View Full Version : Feed up with "Why aren't your pregnant yet?"
05-06-2003, 08:23 PM
My husband and I have been TTC for over a year. I cannot deal with my family (mainly my cousins that have already had children or are currently pregnant) asking me everytime I walk in the door at a gethering "Why aren't you pregnant yet?" or "when are YOU going to get pregnant?"
My mom is the only one that knows all of the trouble we have had.
Is anyone else dealing with this? How do you handle it? Sometimes I jsut want to scream "We have been trying for over a year!" I alomst want them to feel bad they keep saying it. I guess I am too nice though.
I am also getting feed up with the amount of people I hear that are announcing suprise pregnancies (the unplanned kind). How can we be trying so hard and not get preganant and they are on Birth control and get pregnant.
I am so frustrated!
Hi Positive. I cant tell you how much I can relate to your dilemma! We have been trying since December and I swear one more person to ask me if I'm pregnant yet I will punch in the head!
I usually just tell those nosy people that we havent decided to start trying yet cause its not the right time. Usually the response is "its never going to be the right time" blah blah.
I know how you feel but I am trying to be positive. Hopefully it will happen for all of us soon.
05-07-2003, 04:38 AM
Hi there girls - I think you'll find that all of us women on this board has been asked that question more times than we can all count. Depending on my mood at the time, I either answer with, "we're trying" and then just end it right there. If I'm in a really pissy mood I say, "We're trying, not everyone in this world can get pregnant just like that - fertility is something everyone seems to take for granted these days."
That usually shuts them up. I'm usually not that mean though - so most of the times I just end it with the first answer.
Glad both of you ladies found this board!
old flo 1
05-07-2003, 04:50 AM
People who have never struggled with infertility have NO IDEA how insensitive they are being . recently a co woker who has no idea of my TTC struggles after hearing another co worker s wife was pregnant announced to a huge room fuli of people that i better get a move on and hurry up + get pregnant already . I was so upset because my IUI had recently failed . I yelled back at her you know what so and so - sometimes women just can't have kids ! . She actually got angry at me and said I was being too sensitive . I then began to tell her all my TTC and infertility struggles . She apoligized and said she had no idea . She has now become very supportive of me .
Its ridiculous that on top of infertility we have to deal with insensitivity as well .
05-07-2003, 05:34 AM
I find the more people I tell that I'm having trouble they handle it ok, and they shut up about being insensitive. It's also gotten easier to talk about it. But usually when asked why we aren't having children yet, by people supposedly friends, I usally reply, we've been Trying, but we're having issues. Calling it Issues makes it clear, but leaves a lot open to interpretation. and they usually shut up. I keep my closest circle updated on a regular basis, Moms and sisters and 1 friend, and of course my girls here who know more than my family.
We're here for you two hon! People may be stupid but they'll surprise you sometimes.Don't get too frustrated!
Baby dust to you,
05-07-2003, 07:11 AM
I hate people giving lectures of having a baby as soon as possible.It is really difficult to convince them how we are draining our bodies just to get pregnant.Recently i sent a birthday wish to my best friend son who became 2years old. In reply she wrote "why don't you end your honeymoon days and start a family.After 30 it will become very difficult to conceive and....blah blah blah."I felt horrible and didnot give any reply to her mail.
Apart from infertility we have carry this problem on our back too.
05-07-2003, 07:31 AM
I agree with Momma and Cathy. Let poeople know what you are going through. I used to be closed mouth about it. Not any more. I guess we are embarrassed and ashamed when we have infertility problems. More people have problems than we think. If you let people know they will be more sensitive to your feelings. Good Luck!
05-07-2003, 11:04 AM
Actually what you could say when asked why you aren't pregnant yet is that the problem is the baby.....she's not ready to come into the world yet where people ask stupid questions.
(i got this out of a book and used it a few times and it shuts people right up)
05-07-2003, 11:20 AM
I think that the "relax and you will get pregnant" part upsets me more than the "when are you having kids?". I donīt have any problems talking about my inferility journey, but I hate when people just give their opinion without even asking (or not listening to what I am explaining to them) what the problem is.
The other day, I was on a mall with a friend (that also went through infertility - she could conceive, but was not able to hold the pregnancy...she had two m/c at 3 months and now she has a beutiful 8-month-old baby boy) and I told her that my RE thinks we should move on to more agressive infertility treatments and she kept telling me during the whole afternoon that there was no need for that b/c I would get pregnant on my own soon...besides that, when we passed by a maternity clothes store she told me: "soon you will be shopping here"....It spoiled my afternoon...I just wanted to smack her!! I know she wanted to cheer me up, but what part of the "doc telling me I will not get pregnant naturally" she didnīt understand?
[This message has been edited by Minouche (edited 05-07-2003).]
[This message has been edited by Minouche (edited 05-07-2003).]
05-07-2003, 12:04 PM
I hear you! We have a gal here at work who's in her late 30's hates men (had a bad marriage once) and hates children. She always says, "heck, I'm probably fertile as a turtle and I don't even want kids!" Her other favorite line is, "if you do it enough, eventually it'll take. Why are you spending so much time and money at the dr's?" I tried explaining that it was a physical problem and she spouted off about how she knows so many people in MN who have this problem, but nobody she knows down south (where she's from) has the problem! She actually told me she thought it was something in the air or water up here!UGH. I just deal with her by not telling her what's going on. In an office of very few, it's hard to keep a secret, but I don't think I can handle one more comment about how it's easy to get pregnant if you just try hard enough!
I think the best way to deal with this silly Questions is to say "i am not thinking to have a baby now " or the best answer is " this is something between me and my DH only and not every person have the right to ask me " ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
i`m saying so now because i`m fed up with this silly questions and u know what is my answer ? just to say i`m waiting for my God gift and i`m sure that he will give it to me and after being alone kept on crying and telling my self why every body insist to remind me every seconed :( :(
[This message has been edited by smsm (edited 05-07-2003).]
05-07-2003, 02:04 PM
My DH and I are the only ones in our circle of friends that don't have any kids. So whenthey would ask or even joke it hurt one day we all went out to diner and One of them brought up how much time and money we were spending with there kids and asked me why we weren't trying. I ask him if he could handle knowing during diner. He said yes. I had everones atention then and I told them every little detail and we had just come from a o/s I had picture in my hand bag and I showed them. Need less to say they don't ask that question any more. Now They are truely worried and are calling the min. we come home from drs. appts. for updates The best thing that came out of it was one of the couples offer to have a child for us if we can;t and she goes with me to dr. appt. if my DH can't go. So so long. Good luck
05-07-2003, 05:42 PM
You ladies are the best. I am so releived to know I am not the only one going through this.
The worst one I got yet is walking into easter at my grandmothers house my cousin said "so were on number three and you haven't even had one yet?!" That was his way of telling us they were pregnant. Yeah, make me feel like crap to announce your news. Worst part is they jsut did it once and it was a suprise pregnancy. I think that hurts worse. Hearing about all of these suprises when you are trying so hard.
Oh well...I always beleived everything happens for a reason and when things don't go your way it is because God has a better plan in mind for you.
Good luck to all of you and thanks for welcoming me to the Boards.
05-07-2003, 06:45 PM
I can't believe people are still asking such insensitive questions nowadays. So sorry you are subjected to their need to know your personal business.
I'm a mom to a 21 and 16 year old (yea, I know I shouldn't even be in this section, but I certainly relate.) I tried for three years for my second baby and I can't tell you the times I would go to my room in tears because almost complete strangers would ask me such a personal question. I think the look of shock on my face from their question answered better than any words did.
If only these well-meaning busy bodies would realize that pregnancy doesn't come easy to everyone, I think they'd think twice before they open their mouths. I assume they figured because I had one baby that the next one should come along as planned. I guess the term "secondary infertility" wasn't in their vocabulary at the time. I even got the remark, "Don't wait too long, you don't want your kids too far apart!" To which I'd reply in an unamused way, "who says I'm waiting?" That left them speechless until they finally showed some compassion a minute later and actually "got it". But you shouldn't feel you have to give an answer to them, and why they feel compelled to butt into such personal business is beyond me.
I struggled again to get pregnant a third time, even took fertility drugs, and no luck; it was not to be. Get this though, when I would bring up the mention of wanting to have a third baby, I'd get looks like I was nuts! "What do you want another one for? You have two already?" http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/rolleyes.gif Ya just can't figure these people out.
Now I get the question as to why I don't work outside the home now that the boys are older...and I tell them, "why should I work if I don't have to?" That always throws them! :p In all actuality, we live on one paycheck and even though some times it's tough moneywise, we're getting along fine.
So I guess it never ends, people are always going to wonder why you don't do things that they think come easy or are the general rule. Me, I could care less how many kids my neighbor has, my sister-in-law has, etc. I know it's none of my business.
Best of luck to you and I only wish this board was around years ago when I needed support. This must be a comfort to know that others have walked in your shoes.
[This message has been edited by Dianek (edited 05-07-2003).]
06-24-2003, 11:07 AM
I can relate to you and your getting fed up with these questions. I am 34/married for 2 years and ttc for 10 months. We don't talk to family about ttc and just keep them at arms length with this issue. It would just be too hard otherwise. All of our friends have children as well. I want a baby so bad I can't even tell you!! There are certain friends that I discuss our issues with. It's hard though, when all you know are people with kids, including everyone in our immediate families. Best of luck to ya
Like everyone else said, we totally understand what you're going through. I have a cousin who ttc for 9 years and went through several treatments. They told no one, and every time someone would ask, they would say that they didn't want children. Everyone accepted it as that. They recently announced that they were expecting and shocked the entire family because they thought they would never have children. What a nice surprise.