isitme
11-08-2008, 09:27 PM
Hi, I've been reading on another board, someone mentioned about the above. How common is it with ptsd? Maybecrazy, I'm hoping you can hep me out with this one! The feeling of 'losing ones sanity' is so overwhelming. So, at the risk of sounding even pottier than I have before...........
Does anyone see everyone else as robotic, as well as feeling robotic themselves? Seems I lived many years in this state, rarely actually living in the here and now. I've just robotically plodded along. :o (I can even feel myself 'drifting off' right now, just because of writing this). :o:o bizarre....
Does anyone see everyone else as robotic, as well as feeling robotic themselves? Seems I lived many years in this state, rarely actually living in the here and now. I've just robotically plodded along. :o (I can even feel myself 'drifting off' right now, just because of writing this). :o:o bizarre....
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captnanny
11-09-2008, 06:22 AM
I have never felt robotic, but I have felt frozen. I don't like the words depersonalization and the others because that gives me a feeling of being psychotic. I may be at times but really don't want to go there. Anyway sometimes I feel completely frozen, like I want to move but can't. I do remember feeling this way when I was little but now I just get that feeling. I also feel like I am crushed in beteen a brick wall. I don't know if it's a brick wall or something from my past but I get physical pain, can't breathe like I'm suffocating and feel like if anyone asks me to do something, I will get smushed completely. Does that make sense? My therapist says it is a feeling I had during my childhood. I have chronic ptsd and she thinks I must have felt that way. She wants me to put more words to it because that will help it go away. I just can't find the words. Maybe you can find some words to describe exactly what it feels like to be robotic.
isitme
11-09-2008, 07:56 AM
I have never felt robotic, but I have felt frozen. I don't like the words depersonalization and the others because that gives me a feeling of being psychotic. I may be at times but really don't want to go there. Anyway sometimes I feel completely frozen, like I want to move but can't. I do remember feeling this way when I was little but now I just get that feeling. I also feel like I am crushed in beteen a brick wall. I don't know if it's a brick wall or something from my past but I get physical pain, can't breathe like I'm suffocating and feel like if anyone asks me to do something, I will get smushed completely. Does that make sense? My therapist says it is a feeling I had during my childhood. I have chronic ptsd and she thinks I must have felt that way. She wants me to put more words to it because that will help it go away. I just can't find the words. Maybe you can find some words to describe exactly what it feels like to be robotic.
You know I've come to the stage where I don't care what label is applicable/put on me. 2 years ago I wouldn't have dared even mention how
I've been feeling and if talking about it reduces the feeling, then I'm all for that. I know I'm not psychotic, up to date anyway.
quote -
'Anyway sometimes I feel completely frozen, like I want to move but can't'.
Yes, I can relate there. I call it numb. I get accused of not listening. THe fact is, I don't hear as I should because I'm so disconnected. I feel I want to move/do something, but feel totally stuck, heavy feet. It took my child, aged about 6 at the time to get me to acknowledge that I have these phases. I apologised for 'not being here', (ie, I'm sometimes here physically, but not here mentally) to which he replied, 'you're always here, but never here.' That is so sad and I've explained it all to him and now I keep touching him to reinforce his presence and hopefully MY presence in this life, the here and now. The robotic thing - sounds so bizarre. I don't see people as people. They are all made up of body parts, all buzzing around, (like robots, ants), going about their business, crazy when you watch a football match and it happens! I feel an insignificant spec in the middle of the giant universe, totally useless. I felt I REALLY saw my daughter for the first time in years the other day. Like - where the hell have been all these years, my own planet obviously.
I think that enough madness talk for now. :o
You know I've come to the stage where I don't care what label is applicable/put on me. 2 years ago I wouldn't have dared even mention how
I've been feeling and if talking about it reduces the feeling, then I'm all for that. I know I'm not psychotic, up to date anyway.
quote -
'Anyway sometimes I feel completely frozen, like I want to move but can't'.
Yes, I can relate there. I call it numb. I get accused of not listening. THe fact is, I don't hear as I should because I'm so disconnected. I feel I want to move/do something, but feel totally stuck, heavy feet. It took my child, aged about 6 at the time to get me to acknowledge that I have these phases. I apologised for 'not being here', (ie, I'm sometimes here physically, but not here mentally) to which he replied, 'you're always here, but never here.' That is so sad and I've explained it all to him and now I keep touching him to reinforce his presence and hopefully MY presence in this life, the here and now. The robotic thing - sounds so bizarre. I don't see people as people. They are all made up of body parts, all buzzing around, (like robots, ants), going about their business, crazy when you watch a football match and it happens! I feel an insignificant spec in the middle of the giant universe, totally useless. I felt I REALLY saw my daughter for the first time in years the other day. Like - where the hell have been all these years, my own planet obviously.
I think that enough madness talk for now. :o
maybecrazy
11-09-2008, 07:15 PM
Hi Isitme and Captnanny,
I agree with you isitme, im sick of labels and i dont care about them anymore - ive been told i have ptsd, (ok can cope with that) depression (ok wasnt scared of that one) and the Borderline - borderline personality disorder (hated that one thought it meant i was crazy - oops too late!:D ) now i just try to say they are all parts of me - broken bits maybe but still me
I can relate to the "really seeing" bit I say that's when im awake - it's like you are walking around with the lights turned off in total darkness and then someone turns on the light and you can see - hmmm that does sound crazy! but it is what it is - and im awake - but unfortunately i go back to sleep - sleepwalking through life - i am hoping that as time goes on the awake moments will be more and the asleep ones will be less - i think it's just a survival mechanism. - it stops me from feeling - so yes its a kind of numbness - and i feel i am almost sitting in the back of my head directing my body - pressing the buttons for - fake smile when someone tells a joke, or making an appopriate answer someone asks how I am - FIne thanks (instead of hey just teeting on the brink of insanity - thanks for asking ha ha :D )
I read somewhere (junk magazine) that when you ask someone how they are and they say fine - it = Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic and Everything in my life is screwed! that made me smile :) yeah i know i have a warped sense of humour - matches my mind! Take care MBC
I agree with you isitme, im sick of labels and i dont care about them anymore - ive been told i have ptsd, (ok can cope with that) depression (ok wasnt scared of that one) and the Borderline - borderline personality disorder (hated that one thought it meant i was crazy - oops too late!:D ) now i just try to say they are all parts of me - broken bits maybe but still me
I can relate to the "really seeing" bit I say that's when im awake - it's like you are walking around with the lights turned off in total darkness and then someone turns on the light and you can see - hmmm that does sound crazy! but it is what it is - and im awake - but unfortunately i go back to sleep - sleepwalking through life - i am hoping that as time goes on the awake moments will be more and the asleep ones will be less - i think it's just a survival mechanism. - it stops me from feeling - so yes its a kind of numbness - and i feel i am almost sitting in the back of my head directing my body - pressing the buttons for - fake smile when someone tells a joke, or making an appopriate answer someone asks how I am - FIne thanks (instead of hey just teeting on the brink of insanity - thanks for asking ha ha :D )
I read somewhere (junk magazine) that when you ask someone how they are and they say fine - it = Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic and Everything in my life is screwed! that made me smile :) yeah i know i have a warped sense of humour - matches my mind! Take care MBC
isitme
11-10-2008, 06:34 AM
Hi Isitme and Captnanny,
I agree with you isitme, im sick of labels and i dont care about them anymore - ive been told i have ptsd, (ok can cope with that) depression (ok wasnt scared of that one) and the Borderline - borderline personality disorder (hated that one thought it meant i was crazy - oops too late!:D ) now i just try to say they are all parts of me - broken bits maybe but still me
What I'm fed up of is the INCORRECT labelling of me. Depressed, yes I was. But I'm not now. I know I have ptsd, yet 2 psychiatric nurses independently agreed on depression and anxiety. But I'm up for the fight now and thankfully at the third assessment, (CBT therapist) - she 'gets it', yet still in the beginning she labelled me as depressed, anxious, passive aggressive and low self esteem. The UK has a ridiculous way of doing things. After having a second opinion and not agreeing with it, it was up to ME as to what route I wanted to take, ie cbt person or psychiatrist. It's crazy
- it stops me from feeling - so yes its a kind of numbness - buttons for - fake smile when someone tells a joke, or making an appopriate answer someone asks how I am - FIne thanks (instead of hey just teeting on the brink of insanity - thanks for asking ha ha :D )
I agree, it's a coping mechanism. Yet, it is a useless mechanism, in that, nothing is achieved whilst in this state, either to do with the problem in hand or life in general. For instance, I can't drive when in this state, so it's debilitating me further. I think my brain has endured more than it is letting on to me. How is that for barmy.:o
I read somewhere (junk magazine) that when you ask someone how they are and they say fine - it = Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic and Everything in my life is screwed! that made me smile :) yeah i know i have a warped sense of humour - matches my mind! Take care MBC
I guess all in all - I'm FINE too. I like your warped sense of humour. It matches mine;)
I agree with you isitme, im sick of labels and i dont care about them anymore - ive been told i have ptsd, (ok can cope with that) depression (ok wasnt scared of that one) and the Borderline - borderline personality disorder (hated that one thought it meant i was crazy - oops too late!:D ) now i just try to say they are all parts of me - broken bits maybe but still me
What I'm fed up of is the INCORRECT labelling of me. Depressed, yes I was. But I'm not now. I know I have ptsd, yet 2 psychiatric nurses independently agreed on depression and anxiety. But I'm up for the fight now and thankfully at the third assessment, (CBT therapist) - she 'gets it', yet still in the beginning she labelled me as depressed, anxious, passive aggressive and low self esteem. The UK has a ridiculous way of doing things. After having a second opinion and not agreeing with it, it was up to ME as to what route I wanted to take, ie cbt person or psychiatrist. It's crazy
- it stops me from feeling - so yes its a kind of numbness - buttons for - fake smile when someone tells a joke, or making an appopriate answer someone asks how I am - FIne thanks (instead of hey just teeting on the brink of insanity - thanks for asking ha ha :D )
I agree, it's a coping mechanism. Yet, it is a useless mechanism, in that, nothing is achieved whilst in this state, either to do with the problem in hand or life in general. For instance, I can't drive when in this state, so it's debilitating me further. I think my brain has endured more than it is letting on to me. How is that for barmy.:o
I read somewhere (junk magazine) that when you ask someone how they are and they say fine - it = Frazzled, Insecure, Neurotic and Everything in my life is screwed! that made me smile :) yeah i know i have a warped sense of humour - matches my mind! Take care MBC
I guess all in all - I'm FINE too. I like your warped sense of humour. It matches mine;)
captnanny
11-11-2008, 10:00 AM
I agree with all the labels. For me, I am working with my therapist on just what I feel, not what I have. I guess she wants me to really focus on why I don't feel. I too am afraid it was much worse than I already know. I am terrified of finding out how horrible my childhood was. But I think I would rather know now then be in this place STILL IN TEN YEARS FROM NOW. I said that before and let my fears and frozen self take control. I have to do things differently now. So when I feel frozen, my therapist says it is like I'm playing dead. I have to sit with it. I hate that phrase, sit with it and see what comes to your mind. Oh man, I run from that one. All in all I think our brains are stopping us from remembering possibly something that is too much for us right now.
maybecrazy
11-11-2008, 08:00 PM
Hi Isitme,
I think when the Nurse called you passive aggressive it meant you wont agree with what im saying! and you won't give in! :( Nurses arnt supposed to diagnose anyway, they observe and report and leave the daignosing to the Dr's or psychs - the one's that think they know it all just really show how little they know. Glad you liked the FINE thing :) Take Care MBC
Hi Captnanny,
I was never terrified about filling in the blank that was my childhood - i wanted it back - i wanted to remember the good times and the bad - when i started to remember some things i realised why i had blocked it - im not sure now if i want to know or if i can take it - but my mind is not letting much come back - i guess it gives as much as you can take. Good luck with your memories and remember that when they come back they may seem like you are re-living them all over again - that's when you tell yourself that you survived this before and you can again and that it's not happening NOW - take care MBC
I think when the Nurse called you passive aggressive it meant you wont agree with what im saying! and you won't give in! :( Nurses arnt supposed to diagnose anyway, they observe and report and leave the daignosing to the Dr's or psychs - the one's that think they know it all just really show how little they know. Glad you liked the FINE thing :) Take Care MBC
Hi Captnanny,
I was never terrified about filling in the blank that was my childhood - i wanted it back - i wanted to remember the good times and the bad - when i started to remember some things i realised why i had blocked it - im not sure now if i want to know or if i can take it - but my mind is not letting much come back - i guess it gives as much as you can take. Good luck with your memories and remember that when they come back they may seem like you are re-living them all over again - that's when you tell yourself that you survived this before and you can again and that it's not happening NOW - take care MBC
isitme
11-12-2008, 05:31 AM
1 - But I think I would rather know now then be in this place STILL IN TEN YEARS FROM NOW.
2 - All in all I think our brains are stopping us from remembering possibly something that is too much for us right now.
1- Yes, I agree. I hate being in 'nowhereland', suspended in time, yet want so much to move on. It's only after all these years that I feel ready to even contemplate working through the past.
2 - I agree that my brain DID stopped me remembering what WAS very painful, but now as time has gone on, I am an all round stronger person and I'm hoping I'm strong enough to actually work through it.
I go 'frozen' too. Seems a case of - been here before, don't like it, freeze myself mentally and it stops the pain/emotions. The therapist reckons I did it in childhood!! I simply can't remeber my childhood apart from critisism, ridicule and being very withdrawn, so she may have a point.
2 - All in all I think our brains are stopping us from remembering possibly something that is too much for us right now.
1- Yes, I agree. I hate being in 'nowhereland', suspended in time, yet want so much to move on. It's only after all these years that I feel ready to even contemplate working through the past.
2 - I agree that my brain DID stopped me remembering what WAS very painful, but now as time has gone on, I am an all round stronger person and I'm hoping I'm strong enough to actually work through it.
I go 'frozen' too. Seems a case of - been here before, don't like it, freeze myself mentally and it stops the pain/emotions. The therapist reckons I did it in childhood!! I simply can't remeber my childhood apart from critisism, ridicule and being very withdrawn, so she may have a point.
captnanny
11-12-2008, 05:39 AM
I agree Maybecrazy that my mind will give me what I need when it's ready for me to handle it. The thing is lately I can only remember bad times, never anything good. Like isitme said they are all sad and scarey memories. I am apauled that people treat children that way. It is insane to me so I tend to call myself a liar. I also have been having this thing where I'll remember something and have absolutely no feelings with it only to find myself reliving the feelings a week later but can not connect the two together. I always feel like it is something that someone is making me feel now. Like they are asking too much of me or everything is a threat to me. Why aren't these feelings when I have the memories? and why do I project them onto innocent people like my therapist and absolutely don't put the two together?
isitme
11-12-2008, 05:45 AM
[QUOTE=maybecrazy;3790420]Hi Isitme,
I think when the Nurse called you passive aggressive it meant you wont agree with what im saying! and you won't give in! :( Nurses arnt supposed to diagnose anyway, they observe and report and leave the daignosing to the Dr's or psychs - the one's that think they know it all just really show how little they know. Glad you liked the FINE thing :) Take Care MBC
I think I confused her, he, he. She expected a depressed/anxious person with low self esteem and that is not me now. It was for years, I'd agree with whoever said whatever. I haven't helped myself in the past. First depressed in '90 and have NEVER seen a psychiatrist/psychologist in my life. I've been dissociating since then, (or before) and been in complete denial. :o I can laugh now. I was so afraid of any label.
Hi Captnanny,
I was never terrified about filling in the blank that was my childhood - i wanted it back - i wanted to remember the good times and the bad - when i started to remember some things i realised why i had blocked it.
Nor me. But now I've gone though the past, from childhood, it has made me see for the first time the life I had from MY PERSPECTIVE, no one elses, if that makes sense. Prior to recently I agreed my childhood was OK simply because I was told it was.......but it wasn't, I lacked praise so much..
I think when the Nurse called you passive aggressive it meant you wont agree with what im saying! and you won't give in! :( Nurses arnt supposed to diagnose anyway, they observe and report and leave the daignosing to the Dr's or psychs - the one's that think they know it all just really show how little they know. Glad you liked the FINE thing :) Take Care MBC
I think I confused her, he, he. She expected a depressed/anxious person with low self esteem and that is not me now. It was for years, I'd agree with whoever said whatever. I haven't helped myself in the past. First depressed in '90 and have NEVER seen a psychiatrist/psychologist in my life. I've been dissociating since then, (or before) and been in complete denial. :o I can laugh now. I was so afraid of any label.
Hi Captnanny,
I was never terrified about filling in the blank that was my childhood - i wanted it back - i wanted to remember the good times and the bad - when i started to remember some things i realised why i had blocked it.
Nor me. But now I've gone though the past, from childhood, it has made me see for the first time the life I had from MY PERSPECTIVE, no one elses, if that makes sense. Prior to recently I agreed my childhood was OK simply because I was told it was.......but it wasn't, I lacked praise so much..
waratah
11-12-2008, 07:27 AM
I guess all in all - I'm FINE too. I like your warped sense of humour. It matches mine;)
I like your sense of humour too, and I think I'm FINE too.. . . . . .lol :D
Waratah x ;)
I like your sense of humour too, and I think I'm FINE too.. . . . . .lol :D
Waratah x ;)
isitme
11-12-2008, 08:42 PM
I like your sense of humour too, and I think I'm FINE too.. . . . . .lol :D
Waratah x ;)
I wonder what developed first - our warped sense of humour or our 'FINE' problem? Maybe it's part and parcel of the condition?
Has anyone asked if this problem is surmountable? I'm hoping it is.
Therapy is bound to make you think more about the very distant past, childhood. All the visualisations are coming up, but no emotion whatsoever. And how did no one see that I'd changed so much, (from a non stop talker to a complete loner or maybe it was a gradual thing? Something else I don't know. It sounds so ridiculous to me that I can't remember, yet I'm sure family didn't believe me when I used to say that :confused:
Waratah x ;)
I wonder what developed first - our warped sense of humour or our 'FINE' problem? Maybe it's part and parcel of the condition?
Has anyone asked if this problem is surmountable? I'm hoping it is.
Therapy is bound to make you think more about the very distant past, childhood. All the visualisations are coming up, but no emotion whatsoever. And how did no one see that I'd changed so much, (from a non stop talker to a complete loner or maybe it was a gradual thing? Something else I don't know. It sounds so ridiculous to me that I can't remember, yet I'm sure family didn't believe me when I used to say that :confused:
captnanny
11-13-2008, 05:36 AM
My family never believed me. Everything I thought outloud was told was not true. I swear if my dad said the sky was red I would actually believe him and think something was wrong with my brain.
I used to act FINE, now I can't even act. I'm not fine unless I'm with the kids I nanny for. I love working for them but I do whine a lot. I hate that about myself. I get tired when they want to play. Maybe because I was never allowed to play, or have friends over, we always had to go out with my parents friends.
I wish so desperately that I could remember a good feeling from my childhood to hold onto. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a hard time believing I can get over this or at least move on.
I used to act FINE, now I can't even act. I'm not fine unless I'm with the kids I nanny for. I love working for them but I do whine a lot. I hate that about myself. I get tired when they want to play. Maybe because I was never allowed to play, or have friends over, we always had to go out with my parents friends.
I wish so desperately that I could remember a good feeling from my childhood to hold onto. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a hard time believing I can get over this or at least move on.
isitme
11-13-2008, 06:41 AM
My family never believed me. Everything I thought outloud was told was not true. I swear if my dad said the sky was red I would actually believe him and think something was wrong with my brain.
I used to act FINE, now I can't even act. I'm not fine unless I'm with the kids I nanny for. I love working for them but I do whine a lot. I hate that about myself. I get tired when they want to play. Maybe because I was never allowed to play, or have friends over, we always had to go out with my parents friends.
I wish so desperately that I could remember a good feeling from my childhood to hold onto. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a hard time believing I can get over this or at least move on.
What age does your memory start at? Are you searching to pinpoint the reason why? I know I am.
I suppose I basically believed I was loved because I was told that! I NEVER questioned anything, not in a controntational, aggresive way anyway. That's just not me. Yes, I've thrown the towel in too. I've stopped acting fine. I'm ready to confront the deamons. I wish it wasn't so hard though.
A couple of years ago, whilst on my search for answers, I thought so hard and could only remember bad things, my mum, sister, critisism, ridicule. It really upset me, but with continualy thinking and thinking, I eventually came up with loads of happy memories of my dad, pushing me on the swing and more. I'm very much like my dad, always there on the periphery. Looking back, my mum was the controller, my dad the faithful obiedient and I played the same role too!!! And my other sister bought me a pen. It made me feel so special, just that once.
I used to act FINE, now I can't even act. I'm not fine unless I'm with the kids I nanny for. I love working for them but I do whine a lot. I hate that about myself. I get tired when they want to play. Maybe because I was never allowed to play, or have friends over, we always had to go out with my parents friends.
I wish so desperately that I could remember a good feeling from my childhood to hold onto. Maybe then I wouldn't have such a hard time believing I can get over this or at least move on.
What age does your memory start at? Are you searching to pinpoint the reason why? I know I am.
I suppose I basically believed I was loved because I was told that! I NEVER questioned anything, not in a controntational, aggresive way anyway. That's just not me. Yes, I've thrown the towel in too. I've stopped acting fine. I'm ready to confront the deamons. I wish it wasn't so hard though.
A couple of years ago, whilst on my search for answers, I thought so hard and could only remember bad things, my mum, sister, critisism, ridicule. It really upset me, but with continualy thinking and thinking, I eventually came up with loads of happy memories of my dad, pushing me on the swing and more. I'm very much like my dad, always there on the periphery. Looking back, my mum was the controller, my dad the faithful obiedient and I played the same role too!!! And my other sister bought me a pen. It made me feel so special, just that once.
captnanny
11-14-2008, 06:14 AM
My memory starts at somewhere around 3 or 4. I completely remember my dad and uncle talking about how my grandma, who had just killed herself maybe a year before was happier and finally was free. I took a butter knife and tried to put it through my stomach. Of course it didn't work. These are the kind of memories I am having now. I did yesterday remember one nice one. One day I got to hold the goldfish in the car while we drove to our new house. I felt happy then. The rest, never. I want to remember something good before I was eight because I am trying to see where my emotional development stopped growing. I remember another week long period when I lived in Virginia at the age of eight. It was only a week, supposed to be for good but my mom took him back again.
I just want to get through this and come out thinking I'm a true survivor. It is really hard and frustrating though. Neither one of my parents told me they loved me when it was for me. They said it when they needed something from me. So I don't know if I ever felt loved. I do know that it seems very weird for a four year old to constantly want to be taken away from her family and "saved" by a good mom, no dad just mom.
I just want to get through this and come out thinking I'm a true survivor. It is really hard and frustrating though. Neither one of my parents told me they loved me when it was for me. They said it when they needed something from me. So I don't know if I ever felt loved. I do know that it seems very weird for a four year old to constantly want to be taken away from her family and "saved" by a good mom, no dad just mom.
isitme
11-14-2008, 09:18 AM
I took a butter knife and tried to put it through my stomach. Of course it didn't work. These are the kind of memories I am having now.
I am trying to see where my emotional development stopped growing.
[B]I've just relived the trauma I think caused me to have this problem. Age unknown. I passed my uncle in bed, he was ill and lifeless. I was terrified he was dead. I IGNORED HIM, I DIDN'T GO TO HIM. I WAS A TERRIFIED CHILD WHO WANTED TO BE COMFORTED AND THERE WAS NO ONE THERE. I PRETENDED IT WASN'T HAPPENING. I HID. Then when my auntie returned and found him ill, SHE SCOLDED ME FOR DOING NOTHING. I am sat here crying, as if it happened a minute ago. I've kept that locked up for about 30 years...........I don't know how long after, but I went on a 9 hour walk. It never meant to be that long, just walked and walked. dissociative fugue maybe? Remember all the weathers in that one day. rain, sleet, snow, sun, wind, cold, hot. But not emotion in me.
I just want to get through this and come out thinking I'm a true survivor. It is really hard and frustrating though. Neither one of my parents told me they loved me when it was for me. They said it when they needed something from me. So I don't know if I ever felt loved. I do know that it seems very weird for a four year old to constantly want to be taken away from her family and "saved" by a good mom, no dad just mom.
I'm gob smacked at what my digging has found, painful, but necessary to bring normality back to our lives. Maybe I felt unloved because she didn't instantly save me or prevent what happened from happening to me....
I am trying to see where my emotional development stopped growing.
[B]I've just relived the trauma I think caused me to have this problem. Age unknown. I passed my uncle in bed, he was ill and lifeless. I was terrified he was dead. I IGNORED HIM, I DIDN'T GO TO HIM. I WAS A TERRIFIED CHILD WHO WANTED TO BE COMFORTED AND THERE WAS NO ONE THERE. I PRETENDED IT WASN'T HAPPENING. I HID. Then when my auntie returned and found him ill, SHE SCOLDED ME FOR DOING NOTHING. I am sat here crying, as if it happened a minute ago. I've kept that locked up for about 30 years...........I don't know how long after, but I went on a 9 hour walk. It never meant to be that long, just walked and walked. dissociative fugue maybe? Remember all the weathers in that one day. rain, sleet, snow, sun, wind, cold, hot. But not emotion in me.
I just want to get through this and come out thinking I'm a true survivor. It is really hard and frustrating though. Neither one of my parents told me they loved me when it was for me. They said it when they needed something from me. So I don't know if I ever felt loved. I do know that it seems very weird for a four year old to constantly want to be taken away from her family and "saved" by a good mom, no dad just mom.
I'm gob smacked at what my digging has found, painful, but necessary to bring normality back to our lives. Maybe I felt unloved because she didn't instantly save me or prevent what happened from happening to me....
maybecrazy
11-17-2008, 10:46 PM
HI Captnanny, Isitme Waratah and enyone else on this post who I have missed out,
The thing with the butter knife bought tears to my eyes - it is sad what children think will "save them" I used to go to bed with my arms crossed across my chest so that when the angels came to save me and take me away I would be ready to be buried I remember waking up dissapointed cold and hungry - but that was life. I wish we could get those children and give them a hug and let them know that they will survive this and that things can get better than they were.
Isitme that was a terrible thing to happen to you - my mother told me once about being locked in the bedroom with her mother after she died overnight because she was too scared to kiss her - adults have a lot to answer for - I am glad you walked it out and hope you have discussed this with your therapist - As to being loved - My mother worked 3 jobs to support us after she kicked my dad out and i dont think it was that she didnt love me - maybe she did in her own way - i just think .....i dont know what i think - i want to think she loved me and didnt have time....i want to think that i was lovable and not evil and dirty, I want to remember some good times too just like you captnanny, I am glad you found one - I still have no good memories and only a few bad ones and waves of emotion that come through with no explanation - I want to reach into the darkness and bring them all into the light good and bad so im no longer afraid - but its not happening - my mind only give me grudging glimpses - sorry, I hope everyone gets to be much much better than FINE ;) Take Care MBC
The thing with the butter knife bought tears to my eyes - it is sad what children think will "save them" I used to go to bed with my arms crossed across my chest so that when the angels came to save me and take me away I would be ready to be buried I remember waking up dissapointed cold and hungry - but that was life. I wish we could get those children and give them a hug and let them know that they will survive this and that things can get better than they were.
Isitme that was a terrible thing to happen to you - my mother told me once about being locked in the bedroom with her mother after she died overnight because she was too scared to kiss her - adults have a lot to answer for - I am glad you walked it out and hope you have discussed this with your therapist - As to being loved - My mother worked 3 jobs to support us after she kicked my dad out and i dont think it was that she didnt love me - maybe she did in her own way - i just think .....i dont know what i think - i want to think she loved me and didnt have time....i want to think that i was lovable and not evil and dirty, I want to remember some good times too just like you captnanny, I am glad you found one - I still have no good memories and only a few bad ones and waves of emotion that come through with no explanation - I want to reach into the darkness and bring them all into the light good and bad so im no longer afraid - but its not happening - my mind only give me grudging glimpses - sorry, I hope everyone gets to be much much better than FINE ;) Take Care MBC
captnanny
11-18-2008, 06:08 AM
isitime and all of you, I do think it's sad that as children we already wanted to be with angels, or in a better place. Maybe that's why I chose the career I'm heading into, childcare. I think the memories for me come and go. Yes its nice that I have found one good memory. If I told you the rest of the story it wouldn't be a good one. But for that one moment I was happy.
I wish for me that when I get the memories, the feelings come with them instead of later. When they come later I project them onto the present; my therapist, the pain I have, work. I know realistically it's not them, but I can't feel that it is related to the past experience. Man, if I had felt these things when I was little I don't know if I would have survived.
My mom made a joke later on, the only one in the family who acted appropriately during the violent times was the dog. He would shake nonstop and when my dad came over he would shake so much he couldn't stand up.
My mom thinks it's funny. I think it's sad that she used to laugh at the situation.
I too think she loved me in her own way. She has told me that she did not put my needs first. That took about 25 years to get out of her. She thinks everything thats wrong with me is my dad's fault. Well where the heck was she? I think she put a blindfold on and walked through my childhood pretending we were the happiest people like shirley temple movies.
by the way, she used to make me watch them every saturday morning.
I wish for me that when I get the memories, the feelings come with them instead of later. When they come later I project them onto the present; my therapist, the pain I have, work. I know realistically it's not them, but I can't feel that it is related to the past experience. Man, if I had felt these things when I was little I don't know if I would have survived.
My mom made a joke later on, the only one in the family who acted appropriately during the violent times was the dog. He would shake nonstop and when my dad came over he would shake so much he couldn't stand up.
My mom thinks it's funny. I think it's sad that she used to laugh at the situation.
I too think she loved me in her own way. She has told me that she did not put my needs first. That took about 25 years to get out of her. She thinks everything thats wrong with me is my dad's fault. Well where the heck was she? I think she put a blindfold on and walked through my childhood pretending we were the happiest people like shirley temple movies.
by the way, she used to make me watch them every saturday morning.
isitme
11-18-2008, 07:42 AM
My mom made a joke later on, the only one in the family who acted appropriately during the violent times was the dog. He would shake nonstop and when my dad came over he would shake so much he couldn't stand up.
My mom thinks it's funny. I think it's sad that she used to laugh at the situation.
I too think she loved me in her own way. She has told me that she did not put my needs first. That took about 25 years to get out of her. She thinks everything thats wrong with me is my dad's fault. Well where the heck was she? I think she put a blindfold on and walked through my childhood pretending we were the happiest people like shirley temple movies.
by the way, she used to make me watch them every saturday morning.
captnanny, I don't know the ins and outs of your childhood, but I feel I have to say something. I am not condoning the fact that your mum stayed the length of time she did, but reading it hit a chord with me. I was the idiot, for want of a better word, that remained in a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage for over 10 years and yes subjected my son to the same - VERY MUCH UNKNOWINGLY AT THE TIME. (and no way would it happen again, if a retake were possible). Why - religion played a major part, being known as the failure, yet again, fear, x controlled me, knocked me down so many times, I didn't have the strength to leave until then. I had to get my point across from the mothers perspective, mine anyway. And now that I've been told I probably had ptsd from childhood, it all seems to make more sense to me as to 'why' I stayed. I may not have had a blindfold on, maybe a case of mild dissociation even back then and drinking blocked out reality also. That relationship came to an end 12 years ago, and it's only now that I can talk about it with my daughter. I still can't discuss it with my son?? He would also have every right to hold me partly responsible. I am sorry your voice was not heard when you were a child, just as I didn't hear my sons.
My mom thinks it's funny. I think it's sad that she used to laugh at the situation.
I too think she loved me in her own way. She has told me that she did not put my needs first. That took about 25 years to get out of her. She thinks everything thats wrong with me is my dad's fault. Well where the heck was she? I think she put a blindfold on and walked through my childhood pretending we were the happiest people like shirley temple movies.
by the way, she used to make me watch them every saturday morning.
captnanny, I don't know the ins and outs of your childhood, but I feel I have to say something. I am not condoning the fact that your mum stayed the length of time she did, but reading it hit a chord with me. I was the idiot, for want of a better word, that remained in a loveless, emotionally abusive marriage for over 10 years and yes subjected my son to the same - VERY MUCH UNKNOWINGLY AT THE TIME. (and no way would it happen again, if a retake were possible). Why - religion played a major part, being known as the failure, yet again, fear, x controlled me, knocked me down so many times, I didn't have the strength to leave until then. I had to get my point across from the mothers perspective, mine anyway. And now that I've been told I probably had ptsd from childhood, it all seems to make more sense to me as to 'why' I stayed. I may not have had a blindfold on, maybe a case of mild dissociation even back then and drinking blocked out reality also. That relationship came to an end 12 years ago, and it's only now that I can talk about it with my daughter. I still can't discuss it with my son?? He would also have every right to hold me partly responsible. I am sorry your voice was not heard when you were a child, just as I didn't hear my sons.
captnanny
11-19-2008, 05:35 AM
It has taken me a very long time to realize my mom was doing what she knew how to survive as well. I resented her for so long because she didn't leave sooner. The more I realized about what she was going through and her past. I guess she has seperation anxiety, I know she truly believed she could not live without him. I'm not condoning her behavior but I don't hate her for it. I forgive her because she was doing the best that she could at that time. Fast forward to now and she is a lawer helping families in the same situation. I think that is great. Sometimes I wish she had known then what she knows now, but then again if I had known twenty years ago what I know now, I would not be in this situation still.
isitme
11-19-2008, 05:54 AM
It has taken me a very long time to realize my mom was doing what she knew how to survive as well. I resented her for so long because she didn't leave sooner. The more I realized about what she was going through and her past. I guess she has seperation anxiety, I know she truly believed she could not live without him. I'm not condoning her behavior but I don't hate her for it. I forgive her because she was doing the best that she could at that time. Fast forward to now and she is a lawer helping families in the same situation. I think that is great. Sometimes I wish she had known then what she knows now, but then again if I had known twenty years ago what I know now, I would not be in this situation still.
I'm glad you replied. I post something and the board goes 'dead'. I feared I'd upset everyone. It good that you understand her. I'm trying to understand my son???? But I just go numb and I can't see a way forward. It just seems impossible. It is great what your mum has achieved. I'd love to do voluntary with domestic abuse, but when I think of it, I go numb then too. I don't think I've recovered just yet! I suppose I worry my son hates me for allowing it to continue. I'm on my third attempt of writing to him, he's in prison. If I'm numb when I'm writing it, then it isn't really 'me' who is writing it. Does that make sense? My head hurts...........
I'm glad you replied. I post something and the board goes 'dead'. I feared I'd upset everyone. It good that you understand her. I'm trying to understand my son???? But I just go numb and I can't see a way forward. It just seems impossible. It is great what your mum has achieved. I'd love to do voluntary with domestic abuse, but when I think of it, I go numb then too. I don't think I've recovered just yet! I suppose I worry my son hates me for allowing it to continue. I'm on my third attempt of writing to him, he's in prison. If I'm numb when I'm writing it, then it isn't really 'me' who is writing it. Does that make sense? My head hurts...........
maybecrazy
11-19-2008, 07:19 PM
Thanks isitme for letting me know how it feels from one mothers side, I know my mother did the best she could but its hard to believe that she let what went on go on - I choose to believe that she only knew about some things - which were bad enough - my mother is dead so I cant talk to her aobut it - I am glad that you have the opportunity to talk about it with your son when you can find the words - keep writing them down and when you are not disassociated read them and see if they say what you want them to say - it would have meant so much to me to hear my mothers side of the story - but i didnt find out the extent of what happened until she had died and it was too late. are you talking with your therapist about your son? My sister was in an abusive relationship for over 20 years - her children were only angry that she didnt leave earlier for her sake - they are very supportive of her now (most of them) - take care MBC
Captnanny, your mother sounds like she has made a fresh start and more power to her :) I think sometimes the people who have ben through things listen best - did that make any sense? I think they understand more and can put themselves in the other persons place easier - I hope you are doing well MBC
Captnanny, your mother sounds like she has made a fresh start and more power to her :) I think sometimes the people who have ben through things listen best - did that make any sense? I think they understand more and can put themselves in the other persons place easier - I hope you are doing well MBC
captnanny
11-20-2008, 05:01 AM
Isitime,
I agree that you should read your letter when you don't feel numb. I tend to get out a lot of things and feelings without really entirey feeling them. Then I feel them. I understand you want to be you when you write it. Maybe you haven't found you yet. I know I haven't. I'm still digging and trying to feel who I am at the very core. It is very hard and tiring. It is also very painful.
Maybecrazy and isitime, my mom sure is doing good work with other children. She still lives in denial with me though. She believes me about the abuse but she lives in denial about her part. Yes she has recognized this and apologized, really that is all I wanted from her but I still can't help but to be angry. I was so little and she couldn't see my needs nor my newborn sisters. I remember her telling me to hold her so she could live. I was four. I also know that she just didn't want to know as I look back if I were a mother, there were so many signs that I was not right. My father sexually abused and my mom did not do anything when I told her I hurt.
Of course if she had she would possibly have been hurt terribly so I was hiding it too.
I just get confused when I think about it for along time.
I think your son should recieve a letter from you, whether he is ready or not it is something you need to do for you. You also were doing the best that you could. Try not to punish yourself too much because the more you do the more you stay stuck. I was told that somewhere in like a book or a selfhelp audiobook. It rings true but easier said then done.
I agree that you should read your letter when you don't feel numb. I tend to get out a lot of things and feelings without really entirey feeling them. Then I feel them. I understand you want to be you when you write it. Maybe you haven't found you yet. I know I haven't. I'm still digging and trying to feel who I am at the very core. It is very hard and tiring. It is also very painful.
Maybecrazy and isitime, my mom sure is doing good work with other children. She still lives in denial with me though. She believes me about the abuse but she lives in denial about her part. Yes she has recognized this and apologized, really that is all I wanted from her but I still can't help but to be angry. I was so little and she couldn't see my needs nor my newborn sisters. I remember her telling me to hold her so she could live. I was four. I also know that she just didn't want to know as I look back if I were a mother, there were so many signs that I was not right. My father sexually abused and my mom did not do anything when I told her I hurt.
Of course if she had she would possibly have been hurt terribly so I was hiding it too.
I just get confused when I think about it for along time.
I think your son should recieve a letter from you, whether he is ready or not it is something you need to do for you. You also were doing the best that you could. Try not to punish yourself too much because the more you do the more you stay stuck. I was told that somewhere in like a book or a selfhelp audiobook. It rings true but easier said then done.
maybecrazy
11-21-2008, 02:47 AM
I think sometimes denial is a way of surviving - we do what we have to to survive - its not always the right or best choice but it may be the only one we feel we have at the time - the good thing is that we are all here - we survived - a bit dented and damaged but here - take care MBC
isitme
11-21-2008, 06:13 PM
Thanks you two. Letter written, (whilst it was me)!!!! It just needs to be posted now. Because it was emotion abuse, somehow, I didn't think it was that bad and was to blind myself to see what damage was being done...........how wrong I was!
maybecrazy
11-21-2008, 07:12 PM
Congrats isitme - that must have been a hard letter to write and you did it! I hope things work out for you and oyur son MBC
captnanny
11-22-2008, 07:31 AM
Isitime,
I'm glad you wrote the letter. I think it will mean a great deal to him when he is ready to hear it. He might not be now, but he will be. Do you know that he blames you, or are you blaming yourself? If he is blaming you then he has to forgive you because you are no longer letting it happen. You have to forgive yourself which is easier said than done. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for still having not as much loving feelings for my mom as I think I should have.
We are all working very hard right now on our issues, it shows on this board. We need to support to each other so we can make a dent in our lives.
I would love to have this all go away and see how it is to be normal.
I'm glad you wrote the letter. I think it will mean a great deal to him when he is ready to hear it. He might not be now, but he will be. Do you know that he blames you, or are you blaming yourself? If he is blaming you then he has to forgive you because you are no longer letting it happen. You have to forgive yourself which is easier said than done. I still have a hard time forgiving myself for still having not as much loving feelings for my mom as I think I should have.
We are all working very hard right now on our issues, it shows on this board. We need to support to each other so we can make a dent in our lives.
I would love to have this all go away and see how it is to be normal.
maybecrazy
11-23-2008, 01:46 AM
Isitime,
I would love to have this all go away and see how it is to be normal.
I second that wish for everyone one on this board - take care MBC
I would love to have this all go away and see how it is to be normal.
I second that wish for everyone one on this board - take care MBC
isitme
11-24-2008, 07:38 PM
are you talking with your therapist about your son?
NO, not really......How odd is that. Then again, one mention of him and I'm gone, mentally. I stopped all communication of him for years and years. Now, it's like 'I have a son'. This therapy business is mind blowing. We're having a 2 week break. It's odd....... She kept speaking of what a "complicated case" I was. Suggested I saw someone else, then abuptly said, "we'll do the EMDR next time!!!! Maybe we confuse each other. ;)
NO, not really......How odd is that. Then again, one mention of him and I'm gone, mentally. I stopped all communication of him for years and years. Now, it's like 'I have a son'. This therapy business is mind blowing. We're having a 2 week break. It's odd....... She kept speaking of what a "complicated case" I was. Suggested I saw someone else, then abuptly said, "we'll do the EMDR next time!!!! Maybe we confuse each other. ;)
isitme
11-24-2008, 07:52 PM
I would love to have this all go away and see how it is to be normal.
(OK, the discussion gets deeper). On the whole I do feel normal, though obviousl not whilst whilst writing on this thread at times! :)
Do any of you feel split in half, person/thinking? As in, I know there is the 'me' and she's fine, happy, gets on with life, loves her family and knows she is loved by her family, BUT, when the 'other me' emerges, well basically, that is when I fall in the depths of despair, hate everything and life itself, do not feel part of my family, suicidal flashes, though I know I'd never act on them, it's more a case of there being no use for me in this vast universe. Is this the dissociation etc or do I need yet another mental problem sticker to attach to myself. And those very dark places' days used to last months, now I'm only out of it for a day or two, thankfully.
(OK, the discussion gets deeper). On the whole I do feel normal, though obviousl not whilst whilst writing on this thread at times! :)
Do any of you feel split in half, person/thinking? As in, I know there is the 'me' and she's fine, happy, gets on with life, loves her family and knows she is loved by her family, BUT, when the 'other me' emerges, well basically, that is when I fall in the depths of despair, hate everything and life itself, do not feel part of my family, suicidal flashes, though I know I'd never act on them, it's more a case of there being no use for me in this vast universe. Is this the dissociation etc or do I need yet another mental problem sticker to attach to myself. And those very dark places' days used to last months, now I'm only out of it for a day or two, thankfully.
captnanny
11-25-2008, 05:15 AM
Please be grateful for the "me" you feel inside of you. I am trying so hard to feel who I am besides what crappy feelings I have. I know at times; and they are fleeting I am happy and get along just well. Most of the time I can't seem to find who I truly am.
Right now I am having severe neck pain, I had surgery almost two years ago and something is flareing up and I can not get a hold of the pain. I keep thinking my body is throwing me another distraction to keep me from moving forward and finding "me" I don't have many bouts of severe depression anymore when I just seem like I can't live with these feelings. I do however get depressed and then get frustrated because I wonder when I'll ever be able to appreciate life. I was brought up by a father who idolized death. I have stopped that but can not yet find the wonderful reason for why we are all alive and enjoy life.
DOes that make sense? I think any time you experience the good times you should write about it. SO many times people want us to write about our depressed feelings I think it would be great to look back and read happy feelings.
Right now I am having severe neck pain, I had surgery almost two years ago and something is flareing up and I can not get a hold of the pain. I keep thinking my body is throwing me another distraction to keep me from moving forward and finding "me" I don't have many bouts of severe depression anymore when I just seem like I can't live with these feelings. I do however get depressed and then get frustrated because I wonder when I'll ever be able to appreciate life. I was brought up by a father who idolized death. I have stopped that but can not yet find the wonderful reason for why we are all alive and enjoy life.
DOes that make sense? I think any time you experience the good times you should write about it. SO many times people want us to write about our depressed feelings I think it would be great to look back and read happy feelings.
maybecrazy
11-25-2008, 07:19 PM
Hi Isitme adn Captnanny,
I think sometimes our therapists can feel a bit overwhelmed when we let loose with all the things in our heads - I have been told that I would have to be referred on when I cut myself - then she said see you next fortnight - I guess they have to decide when they are out of their depth. Myabe talking with your psyche (when the time is right) would help with your feelings towards your son and his feelings towards you -
And Writing down the good things is a good idea captnanny - I try to keep a gratitude diary and fill in the things i am grateful for every day - I know it helps. I am sorry you are in pain - sometimes I think its our bodies way of telling us to rest when we won't - I hope you get it checked out and find a solution soon. I feel that same frustration when dperession hits - i think we just have to hope things will get better -which is hard to do when the darkness calls.
as to the split in half thing - I feel like I am two people the one before the incident and the one that is evolving after - the one before was kinder and more caring and got more involved in the world - the new me is/are? twins - the good one and the bad one and one is usually sleeping whilst the other plays - the good one tries hard to do all the things shes been taught - tries to get involved in life -and tries to have hope for the future - she stops and smells the flowers and eats healthy and goes to the gym - - the bad one (or sad one- not sure what to call her)- has temper tantrums that spark at a moments notice:mad: cuts herself off from the world - falls into deep depressions and sees no future - no hope and no light at the end of the tunnell only an unending darkness, and she rages at the universe and herself for PTSD and all it does to her and because of her everyone she comes into contact with - but she has panic attacks, nightmares and other things to put up with so I try to cut her some slack ;) I am trying to keep the good one awake - but I think I have to integrate the two parts - havnt told my psyche this - sounds too crazy! take care MBC (sorry for the long post)
I think sometimes our therapists can feel a bit overwhelmed when we let loose with all the things in our heads - I have been told that I would have to be referred on when I cut myself - then she said see you next fortnight - I guess they have to decide when they are out of their depth. Myabe talking with your psyche (when the time is right) would help with your feelings towards your son and his feelings towards you -
And Writing down the good things is a good idea captnanny - I try to keep a gratitude diary and fill in the things i am grateful for every day - I know it helps. I am sorry you are in pain - sometimes I think its our bodies way of telling us to rest when we won't - I hope you get it checked out and find a solution soon. I feel that same frustration when dperession hits - i think we just have to hope things will get better -which is hard to do when the darkness calls.
as to the split in half thing - I feel like I am two people the one before the incident and the one that is evolving after - the one before was kinder and more caring and got more involved in the world - the new me is/are? twins - the good one and the bad one and one is usually sleeping whilst the other plays - the good one tries hard to do all the things shes been taught - tries to get involved in life -and tries to have hope for the future - she stops and smells the flowers and eats healthy and goes to the gym - - the bad one (or sad one- not sure what to call her)- has temper tantrums that spark at a moments notice:mad: cuts herself off from the world - falls into deep depressions and sees no future - no hope and no light at the end of the tunnell only an unending darkness, and she rages at the universe and herself for PTSD and all it does to her and because of her everyone she comes into contact with - but she has panic attacks, nightmares and other things to put up with so I try to cut her some slack ;) I am trying to keep the good one awake - but I think I have to integrate the two parts - havnt told my psyche this - sounds too crazy! take care MBC (sorry for the long post)
captnanny
11-26-2008, 05:22 AM
That does not sound crazy Maybecrazy. I think it is good that you recognize the two parts of you that are different. I think for me the person I was before everything went to heck in a hand bag was when I was very little. I have often said I felt like part of me is still a baby. Of course years ago I would not have admitted this for I felt it made me totally crazy. We all have a healthy part in us, it is just a matter of finding it. MBC you can sense yours, I envy you. I can't sense mine at all.
RIght now I am in so much physical pain that I think my body has a strong hold on resistence to change. I know that I have a physica reason to be in this much pain, but it comes on the edge of really working through things in therapy. I have talked to my doctor, psych and therapist and have to go to a pain management doctor.
I just hope that I can still get better in spite of my body's way of shouting no.
If that makes sense please let me know because I think for years I was so afraid of my dad coming back to get me that part of me may be still scared.
RIght now I am in so much physical pain that I think my body has a strong hold on resistence to change. I know that I have a physica reason to be in this much pain, but it comes on the edge of really working through things in therapy. I have talked to my doctor, psych and therapist and have to go to a pain management doctor.
I just hope that I can still get better in spite of my body's way of shouting no.
If that makes sense please let me know because I think for years I was so afraid of my dad coming back to get me that part of me may be still scared.
isitme
11-26-2008, 06:07 AM
as to the split in half thing - I feel like I am two people the one before the incident and the one that is evolving after - the one before was kinder and more caring and got more involved in the world - the new me is/are? twins - the good one and the bad one and one is usually sleeping whilst the other plays - the good one tries hard to do all the things shes been taught - tries to get involved in life -and tries to have hope for the future - she stops and smells the flowers and eats healthy and goes to the gym - - the bad one (or sad one- not sure what to call her)- has temper tantrums that spark at a moments notice:mad: cuts herself off from the world - falls into deep depressions and sees no future - no hope and no light at the end of the tunnell only an unending darkness, and she rages at the universe and herself for PTSD and all it does to her and because of her everyone she comes into contact with - but she has panic attacks, nightmares and other things to put up with so I try to cut her some slack ;) I am trying to keep the good one awake - but I think I have to integrate the two parts - havnt told my psyche this - sounds too crazy! take care MBC (sorry for the long post)
Oh, that DOES NOT sound crazy in the least. You have described me to a T!! Having said that, it's precisely for that reason, knowing it sounds 'too crazy', that I never have told anyone how I truly feel. I've spoke about it in therapy. I've given up worrying about how crazy I sound. I refer to 'this isn't the real me', 'my other self', 'when I'm not me'. The list is endless. It is liberating. Maybe that was when she decided she was out of her depth. I confuse me............and everyone else in the bargain. I've found the more I tell the 'other me' to clear off, the sooner I return to the real me, it works to some extent. Also, when I get the brain flood of past, bad memories. I shout in my head - stop. And that works too, if I'm not that far out of it.
ps - this is not the real me........she went in hinding last night and hasn't been seen since. :jester: How's that for crazy. Insightful, not crazy. Far too insightful at times!
Oh, that DOES NOT sound crazy in the least. You have described me to a T!! Having said that, it's precisely for that reason, knowing it sounds 'too crazy', that I never have told anyone how I truly feel. I've spoke about it in therapy. I've given up worrying about how crazy I sound. I refer to 'this isn't the real me', 'my other self', 'when I'm not me'. The list is endless. It is liberating. Maybe that was when she decided she was out of her depth. I confuse me............and everyone else in the bargain. I've found the more I tell the 'other me' to clear off, the sooner I return to the real me, it works to some extent. Also, when I get the brain flood of past, bad memories. I shout in my head - stop. And that works too, if I'm not that far out of it.
ps - this is not the real me........she went in hinding last night and hasn't been seen since. :jester: How's that for crazy. Insightful, not crazy. Far too insightful at times!
isitme
11-26-2008, 06:20 AM
I think for years I was so afraid of my dad coming back to get me that part of me may be still scared.
And that is perfectly logical. You have been through terrible traumas. It won't go away over night. I felt I had lost 'me' for years, thought she would never, ever return. But over the years, bit by bit, I am putting myself back together again, with the aid of whatever help comes along. Humpty, Dumpty comes to mind. Don't be too hard on yourself. Myself (and MBC, I think), now believe we can make it and find ourselves again. It's easy to feel you aren't making progress, but that isn't the case. Keep fighting.
And that is perfectly logical. You have been through terrible traumas. It won't go away over night. I felt I had lost 'me' for years, thought she would never, ever return. But over the years, bit by bit, I am putting myself back together again, with the aid of whatever help comes along. Humpty, Dumpty comes to mind. Don't be too hard on yourself. Myself (and MBC, I think), now believe we can make it and find ourselves again. It's easy to feel you aren't making progress, but that isn't the case. Keep fighting.
maybecrazy
11-27-2008, 04:05 AM
ok so I stuffed up the quote thing -:mad: tried to clear my screen and froze my computer, and then forgot my password to get back in ! :(
But im nothing if not persistant :D so I'm back - phew! :)
Isitme and Captnanny,:wave:
i understand about the pain thing - I have an ongoing back prob and some other things not worth mentioning - but they seem to get worse when I am stressed - or when PTSD has me in its hold - I dont know if that is true (about the pain being worse) or if its just that dealing with PTSD when it rears its ugly head takes some of the strength we are using to fight the pain and so we feel it more - the pain that is - did that make sense?:confused:
as to finding myself again - i mostly think the me that was before the incident is gone and that i just have to get to know the terrible twins that I am now and get them to turn into one person - hopefully less crazy than the two on their own are - this is the sane part of me talking - the crazy twin is running round in my head shouting RUN at the top of her lungs :D think I'll do what isitme does and tell her to JUST SHUT UP! hmmm silence for a moment - I liked that :) - take care and be well MBC
But im nothing if not persistant :D so I'm back - phew! :)
Isitme and Captnanny,:wave:
i understand about the pain thing - I have an ongoing back prob and some other things not worth mentioning - but they seem to get worse when I am stressed - or when PTSD has me in its hold - I dont know if that is true (about the pain being worse) or if its just that dealing with PTSD when it rears its ugly head takes some of the strength we are using to fight the pain and so we feel it more - the pain that is - did that make sense?:confused:
as to finding myself again - i mostly think the me that was before the incident is gone and that i just have to get to know the terrible twins that I am now and get them to turn into one person - hopefully less crazy than the two on their own are - this is the sane part of me talking - the crazy twin is running round in my head shouting RUN at the top of her lungs :D think I'll do what isitme does and tell her to JUST SHUT UP! hmmm silence for a moment - I liked that :) - take care and be well MBC
isitme
11-28-2008, 08:36 AM
i mostly think the me that was before the incident is gone and that i just have to get to know the terrible twins that I am now and get them to turn into one person - hopefully less crazy than the two on their own are - this is the sane part of me talking - the crazy twin is running round in my head shouting RUN at the top of her lungs
So you feel you have both sides of the coin simultainiouly going on - feeling sane and insane at the same time, or have I got that wrong? I'm always one or the other!! Feel fine for the majority of time, but if someone says something/I see something, my mood plummets from 100% happy to 100% in the depths of depression, seeing no way out........2 days later, I return to my usual self. I now understand the why's of it happening. Hopefully the emdr will stop the triggers from triggering me and the subsequent mind fill of past, bad memories that lock me into zombie mode. I don't fight it anymore when it happens, I try to embrace it, let it happen and hold on to the fact that I know it soon passes......(The zombie mode used to last months, so things are improving slowly). terrible twins - great name for them. :D
So you feel you have both sides of the coin simultainiouly going on - feeling sane and insane at the same time, or have I got that wrong? I'm always one or the other!! Feel fine for the majority of time, but if someone says something/I see something, my mood plummets from 100% happy to 100% in the depths of depression, seeing no way out........2 days later, I return to my usual self. I now understand the why's of it happening. Hopefully the emdr will stop the triggers from triggering me and the subsequent mind fill of past, bad memories that lock me into zombie mode. I don't fight it anymore when it happens, I try to embrace it, let it happen and hold on to the fact that I know it soon passes......(The zombie mode used to last months, so things are improving slowly). terrible twins - great name for them. :D
maybecrazy
11-29-2008, 01:20 AM
I guess it's like the insane part of me is always there lurking in the background - like a demon - waiting for its chance to get control - it's an ongoing battle that I am getting too tired to fight -
I feel like i am walking on thin ice over a fast running river - i know if the ice breaks i will fall in and drown and that will be the end of me and that terrifies me - but i have to try to get to the other side - to safety (if there is such a thing... and I don't think there is anymore :( ) sometimes the ice cracks and i partially fall into the water but pull my self out - other times i just want the ice to break so i can stop fighting - today is a day like that - a day when I would be happy for the current to take me away into the darkness......... and for it to be over once and for all.
as to a "usual self " - I dont know what that is - I am still trying to find it - but im very tired and when the depression hits it seems to be darker each time it hits - when I feel agitated I still think I am in control (sane) but if I look what the feelings are telling me it's usually RUN! " (the insane part of me) - so I guess sometimes they run at the same time - like two programs running simultaniously on a computer - one in the background and one you can see -
I get hypervigilant and then that wears me out and I get exhausted - it goes round and around and I just want it to stop ...... I'm sorry this seems a bit sad so I'll stop now - take care MBC
I feel like i am walking on thin ice over a fast running river - i know if the ice breaks i will fall in and drown and that will be the end of me and that terrifies me - but i have to try to get to the other side - to safety (if there is such a thing... and I don't think there is anymore :( ) sometimes the ice cracks and i partially fall into the water but pull my self out - other times i just want the ice to break so i can stop fighting - today is a day like that - a day when I would be happy for the current to take me away into the darkness......... and for it to be over once and for all.
as to a "usual self " - I dont know what that is - I am still trying to find it - but im very tired and when the depression hits it seems to be darker each time it hits - when I feel agitated I still think I am in control (sane) but if I look what the feelings are telling me it's usually RUN! " (the insane part of me) - so I guess sometimes they run at the same time - like two programs running simultaniously on a computer - one in the background and one you can see -
I get hypervigilant and then that wears me out and I get exhausted - it goes round and around and I just want it to stop ...... I'm sorry this seems a bit sad so I'll stop now - take care MBC
captnanny
11-30-2008, 05:21 AM
Hi guys,
It's been a while because I am having severe pain in my neck and it's hard to sit here and type while feeling all sorts of stuff. As for feeling like you have one good person and one "bad" one, I don't know if I can relate. I wish I could. As I read this thread I think "who was I before all of the violence and abuse started?" I don't know is the answer. Since I was about 11 my life consisted of fairy tale fantasy's. Like one day I would be saved by a good family who would show me they love me. THe other one that I clung to for over twenty years was if I play victim or have people realize how hurt I am as a very little girl, I would literally go back, be little and that mother figure would save me. DOes this make any sense? As of now I know those coping mechanisms do not work for me. I honestly have searched for who I was before the abuse happened. I don't know, I think that's why I got addicted to pain killers. THe bad part now is that I am in real physical pain but the doctor's and me do not want to start down that path. So my question is: is this pain trying to keep me from feeling something, or is it afraid to be angry at my dad; who by the way I have never felt an angry feeling for him in my life. ONly scared, hurt and betrayed. Did I just interrupt your discussion; maybecrazy and isitime?
It's been a while because I am having severe pain in my neck and it's hard to sit here and type while feeling all sorts of stuff. As for feeling like you have one good person and one "bad" one, I don't know if I can relate. I wish I could. As I read this thread I think "who was I before all of the violence and abuse started?" I don't know is the answer. Since I was about 11 my life consisted of fairy tale fantasy's. Like one day I would be saved by a good family who would show me they love me. THe other one that I clung to for over twenty years was if I play victim or have people realize how hurt I am as a very little girl, I would literally go back, be little and that mother figure would save me. DOes this make any sense? As of now I know those coping mechanisms do not work for me. I honestly have searched for who I was before the abuse happened. I don't know, I think that's why I got addicted to pain killers. THe bad part now is that I am in real physical pain but the doctor's and me do not want to start down that path. So my question is: is this pain trying to keep me from feeling something, or is it afraid to be angry at my dad; who by the way I have never felt an angry feeling for him in my life. ONly scared, hurt and betrayed. Did I just interrupt your discussion; maybecrazy and isitime?
isitme
12-01-2008, 06:11 AM
I guess it's like the insane part of me is always there lurking in the background - like a demon - waiting for its chance to get control - it's an ongoing battle that I am getting too tired to fight -
Yes, I'd agree with that. In fact, thinking hard about what I'd said before, it is like the fight/flight syndrome. I would always run, hide by dissociation, or ignore/avoid the past. Now it is my time to fight. And it is a very hard fight, but I feel I have the strength now. There is no time scale of when people should recover or even have the courage to talk about the past. I'm only now, 15 years on, able to speak of the abusive marriage. It still odesn't come easy. I'm having palpitations writing this. It has to be when you are ready. That doesn't mean you've failed. It just means at the moment, it is too painful. I believe the more you talk, the easier it becomes.
I get hypervigilant and then that wears me out and I get exhausted - it goes round and around and I just want it to stop ...... I'm sorry this seems a bit sad so I'll stop now - take care MBC
It is a natural response to become hypervigilant when triggered. I had to keep asking myself - 'Am I in danger now?' and if the answer is no, then there is no need for that response. It is exhausting and time consuming. My brain would fill with analysis/rationalising/anxiety. I know it is a vicious cirlce at times. Remember, it WILL get better, just keep beliving that. ;)
Yes, I'd agree with that. In fact, thinking hard about what I'd said before, it is like the fight/flight syndrome. I would always run, hide by dissociation, or ignore/avoid the past. Now it is my time to fight. And it is a very hard fight, but I feel I have the strength now. There is no time scale of when people should recover or even have the courage to talk about the past. I'm only now, 15 years on, able to speak of the abusive marriage. It still odesn't come easy. I'm having palpitations writing this. It has to be when you are ready. That doesn't mean you've failed. It just means at the moment, it is too painful. I believe the more you talk, the easier it becomes.
I get hypervigilant and then that wears me out and I get exhausted - it goes round and around and I just want it to stop ...... I'm sorry this seems a bit sad so I'll stop now - take care MBC
It is a natural response to become hypervigilant when triggered. I had to keep asking myself - 'Am I in danger now?' and if the answer is no, then there is no need for that response. It is exhausting and time consuming. My brain would fill with analysis/rationalising/anxiety. I know it is a vicious cirlce at times. Remember, it WILL get better, just keep beliving that. ;)
isitme
12-01-2008, 06:24 AM
Hi guys,
Since I was about 11 my life consisted of fairy tale fantasy's. Like one day I would be saved by a good family who would show me they love me. THe other one that I clung to for over twenty years was if I play victim or have people realize how hurt I am as a very little girl, I would literally go back, be little and that mother figure would save me. DOes this make any sense?
I don't know if we are on the same wave length her or not. As as child, I thought that is the way I would be forever......never actually growing up to become an adult. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. Maybe a plea for someone to tke notice of the pain/hurt I felt. In hindsight, no one thought/saw a problem wth me, (or my feelings/emotions because I never said how I felt. For some reson I felt I couldn't tell!!!!
So my question is: is this pain trying to keep me from feeling something, or is it afraid to be angry at my dad; who by the way I have never felt an angry feeling for him in my life. ONly scared, hurt and betrayed. Did I just interrupt your discussion; maybecrazy and isitime?
The more the merrier at the party, (for want of a better word)! The thread is making us question ourselves, past and present, and that can only do good. I've received a letter back from my son. He doesn't blame me at all, blames his dad.........Who do you blame? Do you blame anyone? Is putting blame on anyone helping anyone? Think time required................
Since I was about 11 my life consisted of fairy tale fantasy's. Like one day I would be saved by a good family who would show me they love me. THe other one that I clung to for over twenty years was if I play victim or have people realize how hurt I am as a very little girl, I would literally go back, be little and that mother figure would save me. DOes this make any sense?
I don't know if we are on the same wave length her or not. As as child, I thought that is the way I would be forever......never actually growing up to become an adult. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. Maybe a plea for someone to tke notice of the pain/hurt I felt. In hindsight, no one thought/saw a problem wth me, (or my feelings/emotions because I never said how I felt. For some reson I felt I couldn't tell!!!!
So my question is: is this pain trying to keep me from feeling something, or is it afraid to be angry at my dad; who by the way I have never felt an angry feeling for him in my life. ONly scared, hurt and betrayed. Did I just interrupt your discussion; maybecrazy and isitime?
The more the merrier at the party, (for want of a better word)! The thread is making us question ourselves, past and present, and that can only do good. I've received a letter back from my son. He doesn't blame me at all, blames his dad.........Who do you blame? Do you blame anyone? Is putting blame on anyone helping anyone? Think time required................
captnanny
12-02-2008, 06:28 AM
Thinking time is required here isitime. I do blame or find it very easy to be angry at my mom. Do I blame her? Not really. Maybe I feel safe being angry with her but it's not fair to her. When I was little she was never there for me, NOW she is here for me every step of the way. If I ever was able to express feelings I was allowed to express anger towards my mom because then my dad would not go after me. He did try to kill her and the last time it almost worked. I was 11 and I remember thinking I can't rely on someone who may die at any time. I heard him threaten her, he was never charged, noone stood up and said anything. It's like a whole lot of people were very afraid to stand up against my dad's side of the family.
So I do get angry at my mom but it's not real anger, it's misplaced anger that doesn't help me at all.
Sometimes I feel like I am that four year old waiting in the middle of the night for someone to come and love me. I have not been able to put feelings to the events of the past. It is very weird, I tell it like it's a story from a movie. I think I'm terrified to really know how I felt like I won't make it through this time, I don't know how I made it through the last time. I think I was a happy three year old. That's all I can remember but I have absolutely no feelings to go with events or memories of the past.
Make sense?
So I do get angry at my mom but it's not real anger, it's misplaced anger that doesn't help me at all.
Sometimes I feel like I am that four year old waiting in the middle of the night for someone to come and love me. I have not been able to put feelings to the events of the past. It is very weird, I tell it like it's a story from a movie. I think I'm terrified to really know how I felt like I won't make it through this time, I don't know how I made it through the last time. I think I was a happy three year old. That's all I can remember but I have absolutely no feelings to go with events or memories of the past.
Make sense?
isitme
12-03-2008, 05:24 AM
[QUOTE=captnanny;3810059]
So I do get angry at my mom but it's not real anger, it's misplaced anger that doesn't help me at all.
Isn't it your dad you should feel more anger towards. He was the abusive one? In my marriage, I felt no one came to help, but in hindsight, no one knew what was happening........so in effect, from their point to view, I didn't need help. And as down trodden as your mum was, (like me), said nothing because of fear?
Sometimes I feel like I am that four year old waiting in the middle of the night for someone to come and love me. I have not been able to put feelings to the events of the past. It is very weird, I tell it like it's a story from a movie. I think I'm terrified to really know how I felt like I won't make it through this time, I don't know how I made it through the last time. I think I was a happy three year old. That's all I can remember but I have absolutely no feelings to go with events or memories of the past.
Make sense?
Maybe you've reached the point of - "how did I get to where I am today, what happened"???? And that's a good place to be. I know it doesnt feel it at the time. But sifting through all the past, puts thoughts in order and then emotoions flow, both good and bad ones. And they will begin to work in harmony. It's only natural to be terrified fo what you'll may find. I was so sad to realise that my mum was hyper critical of me, YET I knew she loved me! (then again, I was probably over sensitive if I had the ptsd as a child). When the ptsd takes hold, my brain swims with loads of past events, like watching a movie, but the channel constantly being changed over.
/QUOTE]
So I do get angry at my mom but it's not real anger, it's misplaced anger that doesn't help me at all.
Isn't it your dad you should feel more anger towards. He was the abusive one? In my marriage, I felt no one came to help, but in hindsight, no one knew what was happening........so in effect, from their point to view, I didn't need help. And as down trodden as your mum was, (like me), said nothing because of fear?
Sometimes I feel like I am that four year old waiting in the middle of the night for someone to come and love me. I have not been able to put feelings to the events of the past. It is very weird, I tell it like it's a story from a movie. I think I'm terrified to really know how I felt like I won't make it through this time, I don't know how I made it through the last time. I think I was a happy three year old. That's all I can remember but I have absolutely no feelings to go with events or memories of the past.
Make sense?
Maybe you've reached the point of - "how did I get to where I am today, what happened"???? And that's a good place to be. I know it doesnt feel it at the time. But sifting through all the past, puts thoughts in order and then emotoions flow, both good and bad ones. And they will begin to work in harmony. It's only natural to be terrified fo what you'll may find. I was so sad to realise that my mum was hyper critical of me, YET I knew she loved me! (then again, I was probably over sensitive if I had the ptsd as a child). When the ptsd takes hold, my brain swims with loads of past events, like watching a movie, but the channel constantly being changed over.
/QUOTE]
maybecrazy
12-03-2008, 09:11 PM
Hi Captnanny and isitme,
I used to day dream that my family would get back to gether and it would be perfect - everyone would love eachother (in the right way) and we would be a happy family - I even convinced people at my school that my dad had bought a farm and we were all going to live there together - this caused the principle to call the police and my mother as they thought my father was going to abduct me - he wasnt it was just my dreams - I too feel like there is a small child wainting in a drak corner for someone to come and take her into the light where she would be loved and cared for - I guess the only one who could do that for her now is me.....
As to blame, I only ever blamed one person - me - it must have been somthing i did to make those things happen to me - I only ever found one person at fauly and that was me. I now partially realise there is only so much a 6 or 7 year old can do in the situation i was in. We do what we do to survive.
Anger was also something i reserved for myself - if i had only done this or not done that - then when i realised my mother knew a lot of what was going on ... I dont think i was angry with her - it was just another part of my world that fell apart - and she was dead and so i couldnt talk to her about it - that's where you are lucky with your son isitme - you still have time - my mum - I will never know how much she knew or suspected - she was my last rock and that turned to sand - but she did what she did to survive too and she did kick him out when she found out about the sexual abuse - Later I got angry with my attacker of two years ago - I'm not angry with him anymore... well maybe a little!;)
and the flight fight thing - spot on - i think im just too tired - my brain told me to rest and i didnt listen so now my body is having its say - maybe i am finally catching up on my sleep - havnt been able to go to work this week had the flu - hope you are all well - take care MBC
I used to day dream that my family would get back to gether and it would be perfect - everyone would love eachother (in the right way) and we would be a happy family - I even convinced people at my school that my dad had bought a farm and we were all going to live there together - this caused the principle to call the police and my mother as they thought my father was going to abduct me - he wasnt it was just my dreams - I too feel like there is a small child wainting in a drak corner for someone to come and take her into the light where she would be loved and cared for - I guess the only one who could do that for her now is me.....
As to blame, I only ever blamed one person - me - it must have been somthing i did to make those things happen to me - I only ever found one person at fauly and that was me. I now partially realise there is only so much a 6 or 7 year old can do in the situation i was in. We do what we do to survive.
Anger was also something i reserved for myself - if i had only done this or not done that - then when i realised my mother knew a lot of what was going on ... I dont think i was angry with her - it was just another part of my world that fell apart - and she was dead and so i couldnt talk to her about it - that's where you are lucky with your son isitme - you still have time - my mum - I will never know how much she knew or suspected - she was my last rock and that turned to sand - but she did what she did to survive too and she did kick him out when she found out about the sexual abuse - Later I got angry with my attacker of two years ago - I'm not angry with him anymore... well maybe a little!;)
and the flight fight thing - spot on - i think im just too tired - my brain told me to rest and i didnt listen so now my body is having its say - maybe i am finally catching up on my sleep - havnt been able to go to work this week had the flu - hope you are all well - take care MBC
captnanny
12-04-2008, 05:28 AM
Isitime,
Yes it was my dad who did most of the abuse. I don't know why I can not feel anger towards him. I know if any of else let our anger show he would become violent. I think I can get mad at my mom because she never did anything. I totally forgive her now, I just think my mind goes to either her or me when I get angry. I thought if I did everything my dad wanted then he would stay and she would be happy. I thought I would save the family. A four year old does not have that power.
One thing I am terribly mad at him for is not allowing me to express good feelings about life. He had this obsession with death, which in turn I had to have as well. It did become a big of part of me, but now I'm afraid to admit I want to live and it's worth it.
I still feel like I am that little girl who will get in severe trouble for expressing something different from him. He was capable of anything.
Yes it was my dad who did most of the abuse. I don't know why I can not feel anger towards him. I know if any of else let our anger show he would become violent. I think I can get mad at my mom because she never did anything. I totally forgive her now, I just think my mind goes to either her or me when I get angry. I thought if I did everything my dad wanted then he would stay and she would be happy. I thought I would save the family. A four year old does not have that power.
One thing I am terribly mad at him for is not allowing me to express good feelings about life. He had this obsession with death, which in turn I had to have as well. It did become a big of part of me, but now I'm afraid to admit I want to live and it's worth it.
I still feel like I am that little girl who will get in severe trouble for expressing something different from him. He was capable of anything.
isitme
12-04-2008, 06:14 AM
I thought if I did everything my dad wanted then he would stay and she would be happy. I thought I would save the family. A four year old does not have that power.
You know, as an adult in the marriage, I thought "if this, if that"....................love would conquer all attitude. Dead right, a 4 year old does not have that power. It was an "if only" on your part. Your attempt to put right that what was wrong. All you ever wanted was things to be right.
I still feel like I am that little girl who will get in severe trouble for expressing something different from him.
I wonder if you have ever written yourself a letter also? It will shed some light as to what it is that is preventing you from moving on. We all seem to have that familiar theme to our stories.........."fear of getting into trouble if we said anything." I can only asume our self esteem was rock botton at the time. Mine was anyway.
You know, as an adult in the marriage, I thought "if this, if that"....................love would conquer all attitude. Dead right, a 4 year old does not have that power. It was an "if only" on your part. Your attempt to put right that what was wrong. All you ever wanted was things to be right.
I still feel like I am that little girl who will get in severe trouble for expressing something different from him.
I wonder if you have ever written yourself a letter also? It will shed some light as to what it is that is preventing you from moving on. We all seem to have that familiar theme to our stories.........."fear of getting into trouble if we said anything." I can only asume our self esteem was rock botton at the time. Mine was anyway.
maybecrazy
12-04-2008, 09:45 PM
Isitime,
One thing I am terribly mad at him for is not allowing me to express good feelings about life.
I found that keeping a gratitude diary helped me to start allowing myself to see the good things in life -
when i was a child i was stil and quiet when others were around - that way I thought I would not make any trouble - children take a lot on themselves - and think if somthing goes wrong its obviously because of them - if only we could tell them then what we know now ....I was glad when my dad died - thats a terrible thing to say I know - but it meant i didnt have to pretend to be his perfect daughter anymore, I didnt have to pretend I loved him,(although sadly I think part of me does) once I found out what he had done I lost my connection to him and I feel it was because of what he did to my sisters and brother that my brother did what he did to me - but i kept up the charade... I think I went off on a tangent - dont know where that came from - sorry - MBC
One thing I am terribly mad at him for is not allowing me to express good feelings about life.
I found that keeping a gratitude diary helped me to start allowing myself to see the good things in life -
when i was a child i was stil and quiet when others were around - that way I thought I would not make any trouble - children take a lot on themselves - and think if somthing goes wrong its obviously because of them - if only we could tell them then what we know now ....I was glad when my dad died - thats a terrible thing to say I know - but it meant i didnt have to pretend to be his perfect daughter anymore, I didnt have to pretend I loved him,(although sadly I think part of me does) once I found out what he had done I lost my connection to him and I feel it was because of what he did to my sisters and brother that my brother did what he did to me - but i kept up the charade... I think I went off on a tangent - dont know where that came from - sorry - MBC
captnanny
12-05-2008, 05:18 AM
maybecrazy and isitime, you brought up some good stuff. No I haven't written a letter to my dad. I don't know if I have words for it. I have absolutely no feelings right now towards him. I know I did when I was little. I too remember not moving at all for fear of being noticed. It was like I would become frozen and just sit real still making sure no one noticed me. Maybe because they would criticize me or something but I don't know.
For the life of me I don't know why I can't put feelings around my dad. I'm still retelling things like they are a movie, not real that happened to me. One thing I know is that I probably am loaded with anger towards him and one day I will feel this rage towards him. I'm not scared of it, I just don't know exactly how it would feel. Maybe I should write a letter to him. I would never mail it, he would return it with a comment on the envelope. He wants nothing to do with me since I told. He tells all his new friends I am dead. That hurts.
For the life of me I don't know why I can't put feelings around my dad. I'm still retelling things like they are a movie, not real that happened to me. One thing I know is that I probably am loaded with anger towards him and one day I will feel this rage towards him. I'm not scared of it, I just don't know exactly how it would feel. Maybe I should write a letter to him. I would never mail it, he would return it with a comment on the envelope. He wants nothing to do with me since I told. He tells all his new friends I am dead. That hurts.
maybecrazy
12-05-2008, 10:18 PM
Writing him a letter is a good idea, dont hold back - say all the things you think and feel and dont feel - tell him how he hurt you and still does - and how its affected your life - thats something i did from reading a book called the courage to heal -
I wrote my brother a letter which was very hard to do - I never sent it - it was for me not him it was to get all of the pain out into the open -and it was exhausting - another thing i did was to write down a conversation with my brother - I would write a line then i would put his answer to my question- I found that i made every excuse you can think of for him when I was being him - but i got to say what i needed to say and it did help
Just a thought MBC
I wrote my brother a letter which was very hard to do - I never sent it - it was for me not him it was to get all of the pain out into the open -and it was exhausting - another thing i did was to write down a conversation with my brother - I would write a line then i would put his answer to my question- I found that i made every excuse you can think of for him when I was being him - but i got to say what i needed to say and it did help
Just a thought MBC