soucie
11-19-2008, 12:53 AM
I was just thrilled last night to learn that my sporadic, but highly narcissistic tendencies, are part of the "grandiosity" of being bipolar. Although I don't do this all the time, I am aware that I have this odd sense of entitlement, especially when it comes to people giving me the right of way, getting out of my way, attending to me in a store when I need help (nothing infuriates me more than having to wait on getting customer service), and exiting and entering an elevator (I always assume that men AND women will defer to me). And oddly enough, they almost always do.
I always thought of it like I was the closest thing to an "alpha" female that I've come across. I don't know how I do it, but sure enough, women almost always let me enter an elevator first. Women oftentimes will treat me the same way a man would. I simply chalked it up to a suspicion that I was emitting alpha female energy. And I was cool with that. I was even a little impressed. :D
However, there are times (not nearly as many) where I do defer to others. I do some volunteer work. I love helping people out. I love doing things that benefit others. So I'm not really a horrible person. The sporadic-ness of this is now understandable in the context of the bipolar condition. This is why it comes and goes.
I also understand why bad traffic is oftentimes a trigger for me. I feel far too entitled to sit in traffic. This is why I pass people in the meridian, the bike lane, the exit ramp before cutting in again. And I don't feel any guilt for doing it.
What a fabulous insight into my own behavior! I love getting to know and understand myself finally! I'm not a b*%^* - I'm just BIPOLAR - Haha!
I always thought of it like I was the closest thing to an "alpha" female that I've come across. I don't know how I do it, but sure enough, women almost always let me enter an elevator first. Women oftentimes will treat me the same way a man would. I simply chalked it up to a suspicion that I was emitting alpha female energy. And I was cool with that. I was even a little impressed. :D
However, there are times (not nearly as many) where I do defer to others. I do some volunteer work. I love helping people out. I love doing things that benefit others. So I'm not really a horrible person. The sporadic-ness of this is now understandable in the context of the bipolar condition. This is why it comes and goes.
I also understand why bad traffic is oftentimes a trigger for me. I feel far too entitled to sit in traffic. This is why I pass people in the meridian, the bike lane, the exit ramp before cutting in again. And I don't feel any guilt for doing it.
What a fabulous insight into my own behavior! I love getting to know and understand myself finally! I'm not a b*%^* - I'm just BIPOLAR - Haha!
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tigger5150
11-19-2008, 06:49 PM
I had a nice laugh as I read this, while I'm not generally an "alpha" female as you so put it, but I do hate traffic and get VERY frustrated when sitting in it, and have done a few things that should make you feel bad but don't.... but I definitely loved the part where you decided you were not a B*$@# just Bipolar! :)
seaturtle
11-19-2008, 08:10 PM
Hi, soucie,
Oh, that one. I can get irritated at things like people ambling down the grocery store aisles when I just want to get in and out (I am from NYC, where everyone walks pretty fast). I have had the same feelings as you, until I realized that a) the feelings were making me miserable inside and miserable to be around, and b) they were totally out of line, overreactions to just the everyday stuff of life.
I can get that way, too, when I get a bill in the mail, if someone wants to talk on the phone (oh, how boring of them)...on and on. I thought I was a lousy and just bad person, too. Now I know it's part of the illness and can recognize it when I'm that way and often, just keep away from people until I am reasonable again.
Thanks for the topic - and yes, it's a great relief to learn that we're not witches, just out of control sometimes of our moods and emotions.
Seaturtle
Oh, that one. I can get irritated at things like people ambling down the grocery store aisles when I just want to get in and out (I am from NYC, where everyone walks pretty fast). I have had the same feelings as you, until I realized that a) the feelings were making me miserable inside and miserable to be around, and b) they were totally out of line, overreactions to just the everyday stuff of life.
I can get that way, too, when I get a bill in the mail, if someone wants to talk on the phone (oh, how boring of them)...on and on. I thought I was a lousy and just bad person, too. Now I know it's part of the illness and can recognize it when I'm that way and often, just keep away from people until I am reasonable again.
Thanks for the topic - and yes, it's a great relief to learn that we're not witches, just out of control sometimes of our moods and emotions.
Seaturtle
dreams in neon
11-20-2008, 10:59 AM
I also have times where I get easily irritated (such as when I'm standing in line or am walking behind someone who walks slower than I do). Before I was diagnosed as BP, I used to think it was a personality flaw of mine and that I was a really bad person with an uncontrollable temper. Now I know it's all part of having BP and is something I can't always control -- especially when I'm hitting the tail end of mania or am having a depressive episode. When I feel irritated by these things, I just bite my tongue so I don't end up saying something I'll regret. By the way, I also liked your comment about not being a b*&*@ but Bipolar. :)
dreams in neon
Bipolar I - Rapid Cycling
Schizoaffective Disorder - Bipolar Type
dreams in neon
Bipolar I - Rapid Cycling
Schizoaffective Disorder - Bipolar Type
madness86
11-20-2008, 02:02 PM
As far as mania goes you pretty much got it right. Talking over people, being in control of a situation, leadership roles, all that bit, as a MALE I feel the same energy, sometimes, not a complete di*k.
The narcissism is part of managing your illness, I think eckart Tolle, who I've read, put it best, in his book: "A New Earth", he said: "There are those who have experienced trauma from within themselves. Their pain-body, which is their bad energy, collects itself deep down, only to make the person who posseses it much stronger as a being later."
So what we're all experiencing is a larger pain-body from having to go through the constant ups and downs of bipolar, like a roller coaster, never having to come off it. It builds our pain body and our future experiences will only let us have more influence in our situations.
That's not so bad, now that I come to think of it! :angel:
The narcissism is part of managing your illness, I think eckart Tolle, who I've read, put it best, in his book: "A New Earth", he said: "There are those who have experienced trauma from within themselves. Their pain-body, which is their bad energy, collects itself deep down, only to make the person who posseses it much stronger as a being later."
So what we're all experiencing is a larger pain-body from having to go through the constant ups and downs of bipolar, like a roller coaster, never having to come off it. It builds our pain body and our future experiences will only let us have more influence in our situations.
That's not so bad, now that I come to think of it! :angel:
blugreen
11-21-2008, 09:01 PM
I was just recently diagnosed bipolar and started on Lamictal added to Wellbutrin that I was already on. I was happy to find this thread, because I too have all of these "issues" with patience, aggravation with other people, etc. So good to know there's a reason for that, among many of the other "qualities" I just attributed to a bad temper, or being spoiled, or PMS, etc. Kinda makes you feel validated when you know it's not all your fault, doesn't it. By the way, just found this board today and am hoping to get a lot of info and perhaps support.
Cary :angel:
Cary :angel:
Daisy1126
11-25-2008, 05:38 PM
Soucie,
I read your post and laughed so hard! I could've written that myself! I too have the alpha-female complex at times. Alot of time actually. Thanks for posting, I'll keep an eye out for my own bad attitude.
I read your post and laughed so hard! I could've written that myself! I too have the alpha-female complex at times. Alot of time actually. Thanks for posting, I'll keep an eye out for my own bad attitude.
soucie
11-26-2008, 12:48 AM
God help us if there is ever a Bipolar Convention and we all find ourselves waiting together in the lobby for the next elevator....
katlin09
11-26-2008, 01:29 AM
someone can have my spot, I'm claustrophobic!
dreams in neon
11-26-2008, 03:10 AM
no kidding. i hate waiting for things -- especially elevators.