megss
12-01-2008, 10:07 PM
Today my good friend watched Grace for the day. DH normally has today off, but had to work since he had Thanksgiving off, so we paid her since she is home with her daughter (11 months older than Grace). I am really unhappy with her. She knows that I do not believe in the CIO method, but she let Grace cry herself to sleep for her nap, all by herself, in the play pen in the basement. When Grace woke up, she had bad diaper rash and was poppy. My friend said she must have pooped during her nap, but I know that is absurd. I don't poop when I sleep, do you? Grace was probably so scared and upset that she had diarreah or something while she was crying. BTW, Grace kind of knows my friend, but this was her first time there by herself. Then when DH picked Grace up, her diaper was soaked and soggy, like she hadn't been changed in forever.
Do I have the right to be mad? I feel horrible for leaving Grace with her. I kinda said something over the phone when she told me she let Grace cry, but I didn't express my true feelings. How should I handle this? I know everyone has different parenting styles, but I feel that the baby sitter should respect mine with my own child, especially if I am paying her.
Do I have the right to be mad? I feel horrible for leaving Grace with her. I kinda said something over the phone when she told me she let Grace cry, but I didn't express my true feelings. How should I handle this? I know everyone has different parenting styles, but I feel that the baby sitter should respect mine with my own child, especially if I am paying her.
Sponsor
WhiskersOnKittens
12-02-2008, 02:11 AM
Hi Meggs,
If it were my child, I would feel exactly the same way! My first thought, even before finishing your post, was that if you are paying her (especially), and she knows how you like your child to be treated, she should DEFINITELY respect that! Did she have an excuse for letting her CIO when she knows you don't do that? Or is that just what she does with her lo, so figured it was ok? Either way, I think if you're treating her as a normal babysitter, she should follow your directions with how to treat your child.
I'm not sure what you should do about it though, I guess it really depends on what you feel comfortable with. Other's will probably tell you to tell her how you feel, which might be the right thing to do, but if it were me, I'm not sure that I would. I guess it would just depend on who the person was, and if they'd be looking after my ds again or not. If you plan to use her as a babysitter again, I would definitely bring it up, and stress how you feel about the situation.
Oh, and try not to feel too bad for Grace--kids are SO resilient (sp?), I'm sure she didn't take the day as hard as you did. Although I can relate to how you feel--you probably feel like your baby has been neglected and mistreated, and what a terrible feeling.... But I'm sure she's just fine, so try not to worry about it. :)
Whiskers :)
P.S. About the poopy diaper--my ds has NEVER gone when he's actually sleeping either, so I'm pretty darn sure that's not the case! Maybe she went just after she woke up? I would hate to think that she slept in it. Poor baby!
If it were my child, I would feel exactly the same way! My first thought, even before finishing your post, was that if you are paying her (especially), and she knows how you like your child to be treated, she should DEFINITELY respect that! Did she have an excuse for letting her CIO when she knows you don't do that? Or is that just what she does with her lo, so figured it was ok? Either way, I think if you're treating her as a normal babysitter, she should follow your directions with how to treat your child.
I'm not sure what you should do about it though, I guess it really depends on what you feel comfortable with. Other's will probably tell you to tell her how you feel, which might be the right thing to do, but if it were me, I'm not sure that I would. I guess it would just depend on who the person was, and if they'd be looking after my ds again or not. If you plan to use her as a babysitter again, I would definitely bring it up, and stress how you feel about the situation.
Oh, and try not to feel too bad for Grace--kids are SO resilient (sp?), I'm sure she didn't take the day as hard as you did. Although I can relate to how you feel--you probably feel like your baby has been neglected and mistreated, and what a terrible feeling.... But I'm sure she's just fine, so try not to worry about it. :)
Whiskers :)
P.S. About the poopy diaper--my ds has NEVER gone when he's actually sleeping either, so I'm pretty darn sure that's not the case! Maybe she went just after she woke up? I would hate to think that she slept in it. Poor baby!
AnnD
12-02-2008, 02:40 AM
Well you have every right to be mad if you told her what you expected of her and you should of known where baby would sleep. If you didn't discuss with your friend what you expected then you can't really be mad at her...but I know I would be anyway. Whatever the case... just don't ever use her again. This might just be a deal breaker for the two of you but oh well...family comes first no matter what. Fortunately your little one will never know this happened and you will have to forgive yourself. Never assume just because you are friends that you can read each others minds...or that she will do it your way since she doesn't share your same style. Live and learn.
kittyroo
12-02-2008, 02:43 PM
Try not use her as a sitter again unless you get in a serious pinch. Then you can make it crystal clear how you expect Grace to be handled. If you can get away with not using her again, try to let it go. I know it's tough.
Me, personally, I would never use her again..... after I got in her face about it. Not very mature, but that's me :-)
Me, personally, I would never use her again..... after I got in her face about it. Not very mature, but that's me :-)
megss
12-02-2008, 11:39 PM
Hey everyone-
I won't ask her to baby sit again. She is one of my best friends so I guess I thought I could trust her. She does let her DD CIO. I've actually been over there before when she did. Chances are, she was probably overwhelmed with two tots, and she is 22 weeks pregnant, but it was just for one day. We have had discussions in the past about how I should let Grace CIO since she is still not sleeping through the night, and I know that everyone thinks their parenting style is the best, so she probably thought she was entitled. I will be having major surgery soon, and I will be unable to work/ do my normal activities for about 3 months post op. She wants me to hire her to help out with Grace. I'm not sure what I should do about that. For one thing, she has her DD, who Grace adores, so I know Grace would have a lot of fun. And she would be at my house, so I will be there the whole time. I don't know, this is going to take some thought!
I won't ask her to baby sit again. She is one of my best friends so I guess I thought I could trust her. She does let her DD CIO. I've actually been over there before when she did. Chances are, she was probably overwhelmed with two tots, and she is 22 weeks pregnant, but it was just for one day. We have had discussions in the past about how I should let Grace CIO since she is still not sleeping through the night, and I know that everyone thinks their parenting style is the best, so she probably thought she was entitled. I will be having major surgery soon, and I will be unable to work/ do my normal activities for about 3 months post op. She wants me to hire her to help out with Grace. I'm not sure what I should do about that. For one thing, she has her DD, who Grace adores, so I know Grace would have a lot of fun. And she would be at my house, so I will be there the whole time. I don't know, this is going to take some thought!
kitchener12
12-03-2008, 01:38 PM
if you decide to go ahead and have your friend come to your house after your surgery you should make sure you both understand and appreciate each other style of parenting, the last thing you need is a stressful situation while you are recovering. You could maybe have her watch her for a week or so at your place kinda like a trial period before your surgery and if you are happy go with it. But if she is 22 weeks at the moment it might be hard on her to watch 2 toddlers as well, believe me being pregnant with #2 is harder and more tiring than only 1 !!
Do you have other family members that could help out too? Shame to possibly lose a friendship.....
Do you have other family members that could help out too? Shame to possibly lose a friendship.....
simplyheather
12-03-2008, 02:00 PM
If you guys really are the best of friends, you should be able to talk to her about your feelings and let her know what upsets you. You'll both be alot happier when its all over, because she may not have even thought it would upset you. My son poops at night sometimes when he's sleeping... I have put him to bed completely dry, he stayed asleep all night, and then went to wake him up in the morning and he had pooped. Not very often, but sometimes. Your DD will be fine. No one will ever be the same as you when it comes to watching your child! My advice is to talk to her, and let her know what it was that upset you, and don't try to get too emotional about it, it may help!
magpie1970
12-03-2008, 03:48 PM
I have to agree that you should be upset about some of this. However, your remark about a baby not pooping while they are asleep is wrong. Babies lack any bowel or bladder control and when they need to go, they go, whether they are awake or asleep.
All 3 of my girls pooped their diapers while sleeping and every other baby I have encountered has also done that. The rash may be because she ate something that her system didn't like or she may have had diarrhea.
Unfortunately, when you leave your child in the care of someone else, the not CIO will not always work. Especially if the caregiver has other children to tend to
You may want to find someone to care for your child who doesn't have anyone else to look after and is fully versed on exactly how you want things.
It won't hurt the little ones to cry, they eventually need to do this otherwise they will never sleep on their own.
All 3 of my girls pooped their diapers while sleeping and every other baby I have encountered has also done that. The rash may be because she ate something that her system didn't like or she may have had diarrhea.
Unfortunately, when you leave your child in the care of someone else, the not CIO will not always work. Especially if the caregiver has other children to tend to
You may want to find someone to care for your child who doesn't have anyone else to look after and is fully versed on exactly how you want things.
It won't hurt the little ones to cry, they eventually need to do this otherwise they will never sleep on their own.
AlexaIn2006
12-04-2008, 01:03 PM
I certainly understand, I am not into the crying it out thing and I change my daughter often, never leaving her wet or dirty and she has never had a rash. Depending on how your freind is, I am not sure talking about it to her will help anything. What would you accomplish? She may get upset or it may change your relationship more. I think you need to keep in the back of your mind that you don't want her to watch your child again if this is how we watches children. I know you are your husband were in a pickle, but it is somewhat out of your hands when someone else is watching your child and your not there. I think leaving your child to cry out and then leaving them dirty was extreme and that has proved herself not fit to watch your child again. Children are the most precious things in this world.
megss
12-05-2008, 12:37 AM
I really don't believe Grace pooped in her sleep because a) she has never done that before, and b) she pushes hard when she poops. Her poops are hard like an adults now that she is eating regular meals and snacks, and it seems to take thought and concentration for her to go.
I did talk with my friend in depth about the fact that she is pregnant. I told her that I would worry that it would tire her out too much, and I really need someone that I can count on. She is due in March, so if I have surgery right after Christmas, she would be due in less than 3 months. She still wants to do it becuase she would like to cut down on her waitressing hours. I don't think I will hire her because I truely don't think I could afford her. She would want like $10/ hour. I guess thats fair but I can't pay someone that kind of money. I do have family around, but I hate to burden them.
I know a lot of people think that there is nothing wrong with the CIO method, but I do. Grace was scared, I just feel so bad about it. I'm sure my friend was just overwhelmed, and I am not upset anymore. I just don't want it to happen again.
Thanks for your replies!
I did talk with my friend in depth about the fact that she is pregnant. I told her that I would worry that it would tire her out too much, and I really need someone that I can count on. She is due in March, so if I have surgery right after Christmas, she would be due in less than 3 months. She still wants to do it becuase she would like to cut down on her waitressing hours. I don't think I will hire her because I truely don't think I could afford her. She would want like $10/ hour. I guess thats fair but I can't pay someone that kind of money. I do have family around, but I hate to burden them.
I know a lot of people think that there is nothing wrong with the CIO method, but I do. Grace was scared, I just feel so bad about it. I'm sure my friend was just overwhelmed, and I am not upset anymore. I just don't want it to happen again.
Thanks for your replies!
newbmom
12-05-2008, 01:08 PM
Hi Megss,
My son has pooped in his sleep on occasion; and he is a grunter/pusher when when he goes. I am in a similar situation but its my mother-in-law & mother who don't listen to me. Unfortunately, you can tell the person who is sitting your child not to do XY&Z and as soon as you walk out the door they do exactly the opposite. But, it is harder with a relative/someone you know to say exactly what you're feeling believe me I know that rock and a hard place. I would only use her when its the last resort and maybe in the mornings/afternoons before/after naptimes. I don't like the CIO method either for my older son as my little one is only 1 month old today and too young for any "disciplinary" methods(he is 13 months and still wakes up 2-3 times a week during the night). I do let him cry a bit (10-15 minutes tops) then go in and reassure him, give him a bottle or a hug. Can DH use a some Family Leave Act time? and stay home and help you out for a bit? Do you get diability from your job after this operation? You have probably thought about this but I am just brainstorming here.
Good luck.
My son has pooped in his sleep on occasion; and he is a grunter/pusher when when he goes. I am in a similar situation but its my mother-in-law & mother who don't listen to me. Unfortunately, you can tell the person who is sitting your child not to do XY&Z and as soon as you walk out the door they do exactly the opposite. But, it is harder with a relative/someone you know to say exactly what you're feeling believe me I know that rock and a hard place. I would only use her when its the last resort and maybe in the mornings/afternoons before/after naptimes. I don't like the CIO method either for my older son as my little one is only 1 month old today and too young for any "disciplinary" methods(he is 13 months and still wakes up 2-3 times a week during the night). I do let him cry a bit (10-15 minutes tops) then go in and reassure him, give him a bottle or a hug. Can DH use a some Family Leave Act time? and stay home and help you out for a bit? Do you get diability from your job after this operation? You have probably thought about this but I am just brainstorming here.
Good luck.
megss
12-06-2008, 01:58 AM
Hi Newbmom!
Wow you have have your hands full with a 1 and 13 month old!:) What fun! I can't wait to have another but first I must fix my back.
I have only been with my company since April, so technically I am not eligible for disability until I have been there a full year. I am in the process of negotiating with them right now. DH could take FMLA, but he won't receive his salary, and we cannot afford that. He is a department manager for Circuit City, so it is seriously out of the question for him to take time off until after the holidays. I am lucky in that I work for a company who will pay be 60% of my salary, and then I pay $7.50 per paycheck to get the other 40%.
Thanks for your suggestions!
Wow you have have your hands full with a 1 and 13 month old!:) What fun! I can't wait to have another but first I must fix my back.
I have only been with my company since April, so technically I am not eligible for disability until I have been there a full year. I am in the process of negotiating with them right now. DH could take FMLA, but he won't receive his salary, and we cannot afford that. He is a department manager for Circuit City, so it is seriously out of the question for him to take time off until after the holidays. I am lucky in that I work for a company who will pay be 60% of my salary, and then I pay $7.50 per paycheck to get the other 40%.
Thanks for your suggestions!
Amy 333
12-12-2008, 07:07 AM
Hi Megs
I am sorry that you are dealing with such difficult decisions on top of your back injury.
I would be just as angry with your friend.........she should respect your methods. I think you just have to talk it out with DH and find a balance between what s best for Grace and what you re comfortable with and of course affordable.
One thing which i can say is that it s not going to be easy for her to take care of DD ......I am due in feb and find it quite tough to take care of my own son 10 1/2 months and would definitely not be able to take care of someone elses child. Then again you are going to be present ....so you can control what s going on.
Really hope that you can find a solution which you are happy with.
Amy
I am sorry that you are dealing with such difficult decisions on top of your back injury.
I would be just as angry with your friend.........she should respect your methods. I think you just have to talk it out with DH and find a balance between what s best for Grace and what you re comfortable with and of course affordable.
One thing which i can say is that it s not going to be easy for her to take care of DD ......I am due in feb and find it quite tough to take care of my own son 10 1/2 months and would definitely not be able to take care of someone elses child. Then again you are going to be present ....so you can control what s going on.
Really hope that you can find a solution which you are happy with.
Amy
CBB
12-16-2008, 08:32 PM
Hi Megss. When I read your post I could totally understand how you feel. I don't believe in CIO at all. I feel I am here as a mother to protect my babies and comfort them, not to punish them at such a young age or make them scared. I refuse to let them cry for no reason. My FIL once made a comment about how if he were babysitting he'd let them cry so guess what? I refuse to let him babysit. My DH always says oh let's have my parents watch the kids so we can go out and I just told him yesterday that I do not feel comfortable leaving my children with someone who thinks it is OK to let them cry - as if they are teaching them a lesson or something. we don't agree but i would rather sit on my couch than go out and feel sick to my stomach worried about what is happening to my children. Do what you feel in your gut is right and don't let your friend persuade you that you are wrong.
megss
12-16-2008, 10:57 PM
Hi Ladies-
Amy you've only got a couple of months left!!!! I am so excited for you and I can't wait to read your birth story! My surgery still hasn't happened. I have been put on disability from work, am doing PT 3x a week for a month, and then I go back in and he will schedule it. By then my friend will be way to far along anyway. I asked her before if she was sure she was up for it, and she swore she was..... I certainly wouldn't be though!!!
CBB I totally agree. When they cry at night, they obviously need something, even if they are scared. It wont be long before they don't want to cuddle anymore, so I want to savour as much of it as I can! And you cannot enjoy yourself out with DH if you know your baby is home crying. Today we took Grace to see Santa, and she was absolutely terrified. She cried so hard, and I felt so bad for making her sit on his lap! She was fine as soon as I picked her up and Santa gave her a candy cane though. :)
Amy you've only got a couple of months left!!!! I am so excited for you and I can't wait to read your birth story! My surgery still hasn't happened. I have been put on disability from work, am doing PT 3x a week for a month, and then I go back in and he will schedule it. By then my friend will be way to far along anyway. I asked her before if she was sure she was up for it, and she swore she was..... I certainly wouldn't be though!!!
CBB I totally agree. When they cry at night, they obviously need something, even if they are scared. It wont be long before they don't want to cuddle anymore, so I want to savour as much of it as I can! And you cannot enjoy yourself out with DH if you know your baby is home crying. Today we took Grace to see Santa, and she was absolutely terrified. She cried so hard, and I felt so bad for making her sit on his lap! She was fine as soon as I picked her up and Santa gave her a candy cane though. :)
CBB
12-17-2008, 09:06 AM
Hi meggs.
I am taking the twins to see santa this afternoon when i get home from work. I am hoping they do ok but if they are scared i might just forget it. I don't want them all hysterical. Although it would be great to have a picture of them both on his lap. we'll see....
I am taking the twins to see santa this afternoon when i get home from work. I am hoping they do ok but if they are scared i might just forget it. I don't want them all hysterical. Although it would be great to have a picture of them both on his lap. we'll see....
megss
12-17-2008, 10:58 PM
CBB how did it go? We did get a picture because the guy took it really fast, but her face is red and her mouth is wide open from crying:( Poor baby.