maybecrazy
12-04-2008, 02:46 AM
I didnt really believe in the inner child thing - if I had one I always thought she was dead somewhere in the darkness of my past behind the wall I built to keep out my past - after having therapy I found her - she sits in a corner near the wall i built to block out my memories - and she's sobbing uncontrollably - which is strange because I cant cry anymore - but I feel her there in the dark alone, abandoned , and I cant help her - I cant reach her - she is too far away and I want the pain to stop .....but I think i have to heal her first and i cant - how do you reach back so many years and tell them that you will survive that you may be dented and a little crazy but you're still here - that the past cant hurt you anymore when you know that's a lie - all I feel is her pain - it's almost visible it feels so real and it wont go away - i dont know what to do......... so im counting as a distraction - one take a breath what do i see - green plant, two take a breath silver box, it keeps me gounded but she's still there waiting for help - I know this sounds crazy but I had to get it out of my head - MBC
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isitme
12-04-2008, 05:45 AM
Write her a letter, seriously. See what SHE, the child has to say, not you, the adult.
I did it with my son a while back. I found out my brain was stuck at him still aged 11, (when I lost him to the X) and he was in his early 20's at the time.
I did it with my son a while back. I found out my brain was stuck at him still aged 11, (when I lost him to the X) and he was in his early 20's at the time.
Seraph
12-04-2008, 07:44 AM
Visualize her as a real little girl hiding. She is too traumatized to understand what you are saying. Lay on hugs, strokes and comforting sounds. Wait patiently for her to let you know what she needs. It will happen. Sit down on the floor in front of her and comfort her. Remember that she is you and you are her. Just feeling that connection is a big part of it. Sera
maybecrazy
12-04-2008, 09:50 PM
I think she hates me, I left her so long alone in the dark where the monsters are real ......and I dont think she wants to be touched - I think she will scream if i try that and bite and kick and scream like i should have....... but i was only a child.....
I will try both of your suggestions - I need this to be over - thankyou MBC
I will try both of your suggestions - I need this to be over - thankyou MBC
captnanny
12-08-2008, 04:46 AM
I am where you are. I understand the thoughts that the inner child is dead somewhere only to figure out she is a deeply hurt little girl. I tried for years to "become" that little girl, not knowing what I was really doing, expecting a mom to come and save her. That is not helpful. What is is to talk about it in therapy even if there are no words. Writing her a letter or visualizing yourself picking her up and hugging her is a good idea too if you allow yourself to let her. I sometimes pretend she is like another child I know in real life and what I would do and say if they were in pain and crying. That helps the feeling that she hates me or that I don't have memories and feelings for her. Its weird to feel like you don't have an inner child or when you do find her, you don't know what she feels or like she's a part of you. It is something needed to get out of the pain.
maybecrazy
12-09-2008, 09:03 PM
I just dont want to feel sad anymore..... empty and sad and alone. How pathetic I am - I tell myself to pick myself up and get on with it but the sadness is always there in the background like a hungry monster eating all of my hope....
I just want the sadness to go away. MBC
I just want the sadness to go away. MBC
craftygirl3
12-15-2008, 01:38 AM
what I do for my little girl inside of me.
If I can focus, I imagine myself as I am now, and I go back and kick what evers butt, and I get that little girl that I was, and I pick her up, clean her up and take care of her and do what should of been done all those years ago. I couldn't protect her then, I couldn't help myself then when I was to little. I am not now. I take care of her. I love her and protect her and give her what she needs. I didn't have a childhood. I have people walk up to me and say "you must of had a great childhood to be so happy..." I tell them that I am having it now. doing and growing in ways I was never let is healthily. and none of anyone else's business. I don't have the coping mechanisms that other got as part of development, as I didn't develop. I was to busy trying to stay alive.
This is my life. and if my little person needs to play or to be loved the way she never was, I will do that for her. she deserves that much.
I deserve that much. we all do. love her or him, so that they won't be afraid.
it is a slow hard process. I am worth it, we all are.:angel:
If I can focus, I imagine myself as I am now, and I go back and kick what evers butt, and I get that little girl that I was, and I pick her up, clean her up and take care of her and do what should of been done all those years ago. I couldn't protect her then, I couldn't help myself then when I was to little. I am not now. I take care of her. I love her and protect her and give her what she needs. I didn't have a childhood. I have people walk up to me and say "you must of had a great childhood to be so happy..." I tell them that I am having it now. doing and growing in ways I was never let is healthily. and none of anyone else's business. I don't have the coping mechanisms that other got as part of development, as I didn't develop. I was to busy trying to stay alive.
This is my life. and if my little person needs to play or to be loved the way she never was, I will do that for her. she deserves that much.
I deserve that much. we all do. love her or him, so that they won't be afraid.
it is a slow hard process. I am worth it, we all are.:angel:
captnanny
12-15-2008, 04:37 AM
Crafty, how did you get to the point where you could kick their butts to protect that little girl and save her? That's is what I have been starting to work on but I can not feel the anger or the strength to kick their butts. It's like part of me is still afraid of them even though I know they are not in my life now. I had my development stunted as well because of trying to survive. How did you get to where you are now?
maybecrazy
12-15-2008, 04:55 AM
thanks craftygirl3 - i think thats what my little girl needs - i will try it - I dont have to deal with my abuser i only have to get my IC it know that i mean her no harm and that im sorry but i couldnt help her then because I wasnt there -
craftygirl3
12-16-2008, 02:00 AM
how I got here, one step in front of another.
I got sick of being scared.
I started with imagining what I would look like in my head, what I would need to be to kick butt and clean up the messes and love her, and not traumatize her, and have her know I am safe to be with and that I will save her AND never let her down.
it is consistent and loving and not about re traumatizing her. protecting her and keeping her safe. that is my first job as that safe grown up.
Kinda like what I imagined that my real mom looked like. (my mother was my biological parent, she was a monster, I was always convinced that my real mom would always come and save me, and love me the way I was supposed to be and not let all those nasty adults hurt me)
sort of looks like me with super powers only better, and so much love that you can just feel it being near her, and as safe and as stable as a rock in a storm.
it is not so much as being an butt kicker, as a protector for me that child.
My motivation is for protecting her not hurting memories that are long gone. For me it comes from a place of protection, a place of love.
I know this I have *never* gotten away with anything. and the people that hurt me didn't get away with anything.
Forgiveness is not for them it is for me, I had to start to let go of some of it, the pain, and do what needed to be done to get my little girl through and make it okay for her and me.
I am a special beautiful person, that little girl is growing up, and the right way.
That's the thing about not having it the first time. I have it any way I want it now. as long as I am not a threat to myself or other, there is nothing that anyone else can say.
those people that judge me, weren't there, or were like the people that knew and didn't help.
and what could they of done? nothing I wasn't their child.
and I am not there concern now.
I comply with the medical providers and such. I don't let them live my life, and I am no longer scared of what they are going to do to me.
I have rights. I know what they are. they know that I do to.
I am my own advocate.
I am so sick, of being scared. and letting the past live my present and future. I have the power to make it better, it is up to me.
I am not always this positive, it comes and goes. I am putting me first, still doing what I can to help. I am getting stronger, it comes and goes just like the storm we all talk about. right now it is sunny, and lovely. it could change at any moment, I'm just riding it out, that's what I can do.
and have all the precautions in place.
I know how bad it gets when it gets.
I am off to the shower. it has been a week. I'm gonna breath, do multiplication tables. and get through this. I am that strong. we all are. I believe in me. (I am also petrified) I will survive, I have so far, I will continue to.
I believe in all:) of you!
I got sick of being scared.
I started with imagining what I would look like in my head, what I would need to be to kick butt and clean up the messes and love her, and not traumatize her, and have her know I am safe to be with and that I will save her AND never let her down.
it is consistent and loving and not about re traumatizing her. protecting her and keeping her safe. that is my first job as that safe grown up.
Kinda like what I imagined that my real mom looked like. (my mother was my biological parent, she was a monster, I was always convinced that my real mom would always come and save me, and love me the way I was supposed to be and not let all those nasty adults hurt me)
sort of looks like me with super powers only better, and so much love that you can just feel it being near her, and as safe and as stable as a rock in a storm.
it is not so much as being an butt kicker, as a protector for me that child.
My motivation is for protecting her not hurting memories that are long gone. For me it comes from a place of protection, a place of love.
I know this I have *never* gotten away with anything. and the people that hurt me didn't get away with anything.
Forgiveness is not for them it is for me, I had to start to let go of some of it, the pain, and do what needed to be done to get my little girl through and make it okay for her and me.
I am a special beautiful person, that little girl is growing up, and the right way.
That's the thing about not having it the first time. I have it any way I want it now. as long as I am not a threat to myself or other, there is nothing that anyone else can say.
those people that judge me, weren't there, or were like the people that knew and didn't help.
and what could they of done? nothing I wasn't their child.
and I am not there concern now.
I comply with the medical providers and such. I don't let them live my life, and I am no longer scared of what they are going to do to me.
I have rights. I know what they are. they know that I do to.
I am my own advocate.
I am so sick, of being scared. and letting the past live my present and future. I have the power to make it better, it is up to me.
I am not always this positive, it comes and goes. I am putting me first, still doing what I can to help. I am getting stronger, it comes and goes just like the storm we all talk about. right now it is sunny, and lovely. it could change at any moment, I'm just riding it out, that's what I can do.
and have all the precautions in place.
I know how bad it gets when it gets.
I am off to the shower. it has been a week. I'm gonna breath, do multiplication tables. and get through this. I am that strong. we all are. I believe in me. (I am also petrified) I will survive, I have so far, I will continue to.
I believe in all:) of you!
craftygirl3
12-16-2008, 04:44 AM
The multiplication tables *worked* I am clean, and didn't get sick....!!!!!
it also helped that my partner talked to me the whole time and helped me when I started to forget and panic.
My partner said it sounded silly, ya know what silly is what works! he was amazed. he said that silly is good. silly works for kids.:wave:
the professionals make it to hard, for a kid like me. too much.
I will have to mix it up, spelling, poems, math problems, limericks.
thanks to all of you that have helped.
I see both psych providers tomorrow. I have made progress. I love this place.
(I thought it was dumb to shower with clothes on, although I may still have to)
:D
it also helped that my partner talked to me the whole time and helped me when I started to forget and panic.
My partner said it sounded silly, ya know what silly is what works! he was amazed. he said that silly is good. silly works for kids.:wave:
the professionals make it to hard, for a kid like me. too much.
I will have to mix it up, spelling, poems, math problems, limericks.
thanks to all of you that have helped.
I see both psych providers tomorrow. I have made progress. I love this place.
(I thought it was dumb to shower with clothes on, although I may still have to)
:D
maybecrazy
12-16-2008, 05:02 AM
craftygirl3 that is fantastic! I am so pleased for you - :D good luck with you t's tomorrow and remember it's you that has made this possible - you are brave and strong and you have succeeded - Congratulations :):):)
captnanny
12-16-2008, 08:39 AM
I am so glad the multiplication tables worked. That is a wonderful gift for you. Laughing is helpful too. You can mix it up, abc's 123's or silly tv theme songs like the fresh prince or whatever.
I am hoping to make some progress. I am working on visualizing my inner child and me going up to her. I am changing what type of person it was to go up and hold her. It has to be me, not another person like my therapist or mary poppins. So I guess that is a little progress, the recognition that I do have some power.
Anyway I am glad for you.
I am hoping to make some progress. I am working on visualizing my inner child and me going up to her. I am changing what type of person it was to go up and hold her. It has to be me, not another person like my therapist or mary poppins. So I guess that is a little progress, the recognition that I do have some power.
Anyway I am glad for you.
craftygirl3
12-16-2008, 06:30 PM
We are all so much stronger than we realize. we have lived through the abuse and are still here.
I want a t shirt that says " this unit damaged in battle, repairs in progress"
The work is hard, sometimes harder than the incident(s).
take time to be silly, take care of yourselves and give yourselves the love that you need. it has to be you. I know nothing or anyone else but me can fix it. I am not alone though. I have what I need, and the people to help and love me. Draw on them when you can't deal. just be kind to your self and honor the spirit in side of you.
I think you guys are awesome:D
I want a t shirt that says " this unit damaged in battle, repairs in progress"
The work is hard, sometimes harder than the incident(s).
take time to be silly, take care of yourselves and give yourselves the love that you need. it has to be you. I know nothing or anyone else but me can fix it. I am not alone though. I have what I need, and the people to help and love me. Draw on them when you can't deal. just be kind to your self and honor the spirit in side of you.
I think you guys are awesome:D
maybecrazy
12-16-2008, 08:53 PM
We are all so much stronger than we realize. we have lived through the abuse and are still here.
id agree with that - if we werent strong we wouldnt be here now :)
I want a t shirt that says " this unit damaged in battle, repairs in progress"
I want one that says "has anyone seen my sanity? I can't remember where i put it!
The work is hard, sometimes harder than the incident(s).
being in survival mode is easy - well not easy but i suppose automatic- coming back and dealing with reality, that's where the hard work is
take time to be silly, take care of yourselves and give yourselves the love that you need. it has to be you. I know nothing or anyone else but me can fix it. I am not alone though. I have what I need, and the people to help and love me. Draw on them when you can't deal. just be kind to your self and honor the spirit in side of you.
thankyou for your suggestions - i know that its only me that can heal my wounds -and i know somtimes i need others to help and i have started to ask and not feel ashamed for asking - being kind to yourself is harder than it sounds - my T says treat yourself as if you were youre own best friend - because you are -
I think you guys are awesome:D
right back at ya! :)
id agree with that - if we werent strong we wouldnt be here now :)
I want a t shirt that says " this unit damaged in battle, repairs in progress"
I want one that says "has anyone seen my sanity? I can't remember where i put it!
The work is hard, sometimes harder than the incident(s).
being in survival mode is easy - well not easy but i suppose automatic- coming back and dealing with reality, that's where the hard work is
take time to be silly, take care of yourselves and give yourselves the love that you need. it has to be you. I know nothing or anyone else but me can fix it. I am not alone though. I have what I need, and the people to help and love me. Draw on them when you can't deal. just be kind to your self and honor the spirit in side of you.
thankyou for your suggestions - i know that its only me that can heal my wounds -and i know somtimes i need others to help and i have started to ask and not feel ashamed for asking - being kind to yourself is harder than it sounds - my T says treat yourself as if you were youre own best friend - because you are -
I think you guys are awesome:D
right back at ya! :)
maybecrazy
12-16-2008, 09:14 PM
I am hoping to make some progress. I am working on visualizing my inner child and me going up to her. I am changing what type of person it was to go up and hold her. It has to be me, not another person like my therapist or mary poppins. So I guess that is a little progress, the recognition that I do have some power.
Anyway I am glad for you.
I think thats a lot of progress - i always imagined someone going up to her that was better than me - but i guess its me that has to try and hold her and help her stop crying - then maybe we can walk together - take care MBC
Anyway I am glad for you.
I think thats a lot of progress - i always imagined someone going up to her that was better than me - but i guess its me that has to try and hold her and help her stop crying - then maybe we can walk together - take care MBC
craftygirl3
12-17-2008, 12:00 AM
MBC and captnanny
we do the best we can. I like to look at it as I am the repair person and everyone else are the assistant repair persons.
I went to see my T and Psych. I colored with crayons with my T, and both of them are so proud of me. and of you guys to as you came up with the best idea to help me. they have never seen me so calm.
you never know where you are going to find asst repair persons. I have found some here.:D:bouncing: cg3
we do the best we can. I like to look at it as I am the repair person and everyone else are the assistant repair persons.
I went to see my T and Psych. I colored with crayons with my T, and both of them are so proud of me. and of you guys to as you came up with the best idea to help me. they have never seen me so calm.
you never know where you are going to find asst repair persons. I have found some here.:D:bouncing: cg3
maybecrazy
12-17-2008, 05:12 PM
glad things went well and happy to help - somtimes just getting it out there helps and sometimes people come up with things and you think Geez why didnt i think of that !:)
sometimes you can help someone else and you think - hey im not such a waste of space as i thought!:D that helps too.
you are right we do the best we can with what we have at the time - take care everyone MBC:wave:
sometimes you can help someone else and you think - hey im not such a waste of space as i thought!:D that helps too.
you are right we do the best we can with what we have at the time - take care everyone MBC:wave:
craftygirl3
12-17-2008, 06:26 PM
bottom line, when in the middle if the storm. sometimes nothing I know or can do will help. it is necessary to get trusted out side opinions. and what may seem silly or whatever isn't to some one else. we are all miracles.:angel: cg3