maybecrazy
12-12-2008, 05:35 AM
does anyone know how to get off this roundabout ?:dizzy: I dont want to play anymore! want to take my bat and ball and go home :mad:
- sick sick sick of this PTSD game and want to play the I'm all better now game instead!
I'm sick of flashbacks, anything with HYPER as part of the word! nighmares, sleeplessness:yawn: (is that a word? :confused:) I'm mad as hell and scared (terrified)that it will never "be over" that I will be this crazy person forever! that I will be stuck on this treadmill of depression and despair because I am too dumb to get off or press the STOP button where the heck is that button!:confused:
I want to be the smart one who does exactly what the therapist tells them to do and it WORKS and they never have to do it again! EVER!
I dont want to feel like I need to run away from some unforseen danger or hide in a corner! I dont want to jump at stupid things - to overthink and second guess myself - I dont want to feel that nowhere is safe anymore - I am so tired of checking to make sure things are safe only to know in my heart that there is no such place as safe! I dont want to feel desperate and do stupid things, drive too fast, eat too much or too little or not at all - I dont want to get angry at stupid things that I would have never have gotten angry over "Before" I dont want there to be a "before" I want it to be over! and I dont want to be this whinger I've turned into weak and pathetic, insecure and afraid of dong the wrong thing afraid of everything! I just want to get on with it and get it over -O V E R- over!
I want the darkness to get the heck out of town and leave me alone and take PTSD with it!- I just want it to be OVER with a capital O -
- sick sick sick of this PTSD game and want to play the I'm all better now game instead!
I'm sick of flashbacks, anything with HYPER as part of the word! nighmares, sleeplessness:yawn: (is that a word? :confused:) I'm mad as hell and scared (terrified)that it will never "be over" that I will be this crazy person forever! that I will be stuck on this treadmill of depression and despair because I am too dumb to get off or press the STOP button where the heck is that button!:confused:
I want to be the smart one who does exactly what the therapist tells them to do and it WORKS and they never have to do it again! EVER!
I dont want to feel like I need to run away from some unforseen danger or hide in a corner! I dont want to jump at stupid things - to overthink and second guess myself - I dont want to feel that nowhere is safe anymore - I am so tired of checking to make sure things are safe only to know in my heart that there is no such place as safe! I dont want to feel desperate and do stupid things, drive too fast, eat too much or too little or not at all - I dont want to get angry at stupid things that I would have never have gotten angry over "Before" I dont want there to be a "before" I want it to be over! and I dont want to be this whinger I've turned into weak and pathetic, insecure and afraid of dong the wrong thing afraid of everything! I just want to get on with it and get it over -O V E R- over!
I want the darkness to get the heck out of town and leave me alone and take PTSD with it!- I just want it to be OVER with a capital O -
Sponsor
ktmsullivan
12-12-2008, 12:53 PM
I also suffer from PTSD and just recently was referred to a PhD that does a therapy called EMDR. Are you familiar with it? It has had a very high success rate in coping with a traumatic event and/or making the fear go away. I have a friend who knows someone who tried this type of therapy and it cured her PTSD. Just a suggestion. I'm new to it but have suffered with depression for years and my anxiety and panic attacks are unbearable and I'm sick of being this person that isn't me. I went to my first session just this week.
craftygirl3
12-12-2008, 07:01 PM
I have done EMDR didn't work for me, but that's me.
I know that I am doing DBT, and I am told that over time it will help, I work on something back off and take care of the health problems, and go back at it.
The only way out is through, for me at least.
anyone with PTSD(in my opinion) is incredibly strong. not only have we lived through the horror once it keeps visiting us again and again.
I personally have tried allot of things, and had to find what has worked for me. what is working for me is working through the pain, setting boundaries, saying no, taking care of myself, and staying in the present moment.
I have a great support team, both medical and otherwise.
Bottom line keep searching for what will work for you.
Someone, somewhere, in history has had my problems and found a way to fix them.
I am strong, resourceful, and smart. I have survived what has happened. I will have quality of life to.
(I'm having a good day)
I know that I am doing DBT, and I am told that over time it will help, I work on something back off and take care of the health problems, and go back at it.
The only way out is through, for me at least.
anyone with PTSD(in my opinion) is incredibly strong. not only have we lived through the horror once it keeps visiting us again and again.
I personally have tried allot of things, and had to find what has worked for me. what is working for me is working through the pain, setting boundaries, saying no, taking care of myself, and staying in the present moment.
I have a great support team, both medical and otherwise.
Bottom line keep searching for what will work for you.
Someone, somewhere, in history has had my problems and found a way to fix them.
I am strong, resourceful, and smart. I have survived what has happened. I will have quality of life to.
(I'm having a good day)
maybecrazy
12-12-2008, 07:43 PM
HI ktmsullivan and welcome, Hi craftygirl3,
I tried EMDR and it did help but I suffer from migraines so was not able to continue as it triggered these (there's another word I hate "trigger") - I hope that it works for you and that your symptoms subside and disapear forever!
I can realte to being sick of this person who isnt me - I dont know this new person that is me - not even sure if i like her - probably NOT!:mad:
Sometimes its like im struggling to get away from me! havnt managed that.... yet!:) I just want to run away and leave it all behind - but I know I would just be taking it with me. Sometimes I just struggle and shout and scream in my head I WANT THIS OVER! but I know it will take as long as it takes for me to get through this - I just get tired of trying and I think it must because Im too stupid to learn what my Psych taught me becaue sometimes I forget to use the techniques - somtimes it just gets too much! thats when I come here to let it out or go even crazier than I already am!:D
I'm in control at the moment - I've shoved it to the back of my mind so I can go to work and pretend everything is ok - i'm just tired - thanks for your replies MBC
p.s., craftygirl3, I am glad you are in a good place - I hope it lasts forever :)
I tried EMDR and it did help but I suffer from migraines so was not able to continue as it triggered these (there's another word I hate "trigger") - I hope that it works for you and that your symptoms subside and disapear forever!
I can realte to being sick of this person who isnt me - I dont know this new person that is me - not even sure if i like her - probably NOT!:mad:
Sometimes its like im struggling to get away from me! havnt managed that.... yet!:) I just want to run away and leave it all behind - but I know I would just be taking it with me. Sometimes I just struggle and shout and scream in my head I WANT THIS OVER! but I know it will take as long as it takes for me to get through this - I just get tired of trying and I think it must because Im too stupid to learn what my Psych taught me becaue sometimes I forget to use the techniques - somtimes it just gets too much! thats when I come here to let it out or go even crazier than I already am!:D
I'm in control at the moment - I've shoved it to the back of my mind so I can go to work and pretend everything is ok - i'm just tired - thanks for your replies MBC
p.s., craftygirl3, I am glad you are in a good place - I hope it lasts forever :)
craftygirl3
12-12-2008, 08:28 PM
well I think I am just in a calm before the storm. I hope it lasts a while.
maybecrazy
12-12-2008, 09:17 PM
I hope it lasts for your too :) MBC
captnanny
12-13-2008, 05:46 AM
Maybecrazy,
I know exactly how you feel. I was going to start a thread regarding the same thing. I want off this merry go round that I am on. I think the thing we have remember, or at least I have to remember is that I was not aware of what I was doing a year ago. Yes I have been in treatments forever. But just recently I decided I wanted to be better for me not for the fantasy I had in my head.
The problem is that though I want to work through this and go through the pain, more obstacles come up. I hate when someone tells me that I am an adult. I don't know what that looks like or feels like. To me I'm stuck as a little girl crying desperately to be saved or for my family to get happy.
I feel pathetic that I'm 39 years old and probably act like a child or teenager. I am mad that i can't even think of what is holding me back or what I would be like as an adult. What is an adult?
On top of all this I need major surgery again in my neck and my mom is taking care of me for a week. I am so scared of her coming more than the surgery.
So I feel what you wrote, I think that we recognize what we are doing or have been doing and it might take some time (time) a word I can't stand anymore.
I know exactly how you feel. I was going to start a thread regarding the same thing. I want off this merry go round that I am on. I think the thing we have remember, or at least I have to remember is that I was not aware of what I was doing a year ago. Yes I have been in treatments forever. But just recently I decided I wanted to be better for me not for the fantasy I had in my head.
The problem is that though I want to work through this and go through the pain, more obstacles come up. I hate when someone tells me that I am an adult. I don't know what that looks like or feels like. To me I'm stuck as a little girl crying desperately to be saved or for my family to get happy.
I feel pathetic that I'm 39 years old and probably act like a child or teenager. I am mad that i can't even think of what is holding me back or what I would be like as an adult. What is an adult?
On top of all this I need major surgery again in my neck and my mom is taking care of me for a week. I am so scared of her coming more than the surgery.
So I feel what you wrote, I think that we recognize what we are doing or have been doing and it might take some time (time) a word I can't stand anymore.
maybecrazy
12-14-2008, 03:59 AM
Maybecrazy,
I know exactly how you feel. I was going to start a thread regarding the same thing. I want off this merry go round that I am on. I think the thing we have remember, or at least I have to remember is that I was not aware of what I was doing a year ago.
**************************************** ******************
OK SO I CANT GET THE BOLD THING TO WORK SO PLEASE FORGIVE MY CAPITAL LETTERS - you are right a- a year ago I was just overwhelmed with emotions and couldnt work out what they were or why they were happening - now I know - it doesnt make it ok - but at least i understand it MBC
**************************************** ***************
The problem is that though I want to work through this and go through the pain, more obstacles come up.
***** I hear that! ****MBC
I hate when someone tells me that I am an adult. I don't know what that looks like or feels like. To me I'm stuck as a little girl crying desperately to be saved or for my family to get happy.
I feel pathetic that I'm 39 years old and probably act like a child or teenager. I am mad that i can't even think of what is holding me back or what I would be like as an adult. What is an adult?
**** I have no idea what an adult is - I dont think there are many around - most of us are just wounded children playing dress-ups- MBC ***
On top of all this I need major surgery again in my neck and my mom is taking care of me for a week. I am so scared of her coming more than the surgery.
** I'm sorry to hear that - can someone else look after you if you are scared of her coming over? what scares you? if you dont mind me asking MBC***
So I feel what you wrote, I think that we recognize what we are doing and have been doing and it might take some time (time) a word I can't stand anymore.
My T used to say I had to be patient - i use dto say hey im A patient so its too much to ask for me to BE patient- he ouwld just smile and roll his eyes.
take care - maybe one day this will end for all of us MBC
I know exactly how you feel. I was going to start a thread regarding the same thing. I want off this merry go round that I am on. I think the thing we have remember, or at least I have to remember is that I was not aware of what I was doing a year ago.
**************************************** ******************
OK SO I CANT GET THE BOLD THING TO WORK SO PLEASE FORGIVE MY CAPITAL LETTERS - you are right a- a year ago I was just overwhelmed with emotions and couldnt work out what they were or why they were happening - now I know - it doesnt make it ok - but at least i understand it MBC
**************************************** ***************
The problem is that though I want to work through this and go through the pain, more obstacles come up.
***** I hear that! ****MBC
I hate when someone tells me that I am an adult. I don't know what that looks like or feels like. To me I'm stuck as a little girl crying desperately to be saved or for my family to get happy.
I feel pathetic that I'm 39 years old and probably act like a child or teenager. I am mad that i can't even think of what is holding me back or what I would be like as an adult. What is an adult?
**** I have no idea what an adult is - I dont think there are many around - most of us are just wounded children playing dress-ups- MBC ***
On top of all this I need major surgery again in my neck and my mom is taking care of me for a week. I am so scared of her coming more than the surgery.
** I'm sorry to hear that - can someone else look after you if you are scared of her coming over? what scares you? if you dont mind me asking MBC***
So I feel what you wrote, I think that we recognize what we are doing and have been doing and it might take some time (time) a word I can't stand anymore.
My T used to say I had to be patient - i use dto say hey im A patient so its too much to ask for me to BE patient- he ouwld just smile and roll his eyes.
take care - maybe one day this will end for all of us MBC
captnanny
12-14-2008, 05:06 AM
hey maybecrazy,
I think you're right that we need to be patient ( another word I can't stand). I am barely able to play dress up as an adult. The thing that bothers me most, the more I am aware of this the more I hear it in conversations with people. Then I think they are telling me to grow up faster, be an adult right now. I can't stand that pressure or assumed pressure because I am going through the pain of what happened in the past without my usual destructive coping mechanisms. It feels like I am in the middle of a war zone. My mom actually is pretty good right now. I have set some terms with her due to my T's suggestion and she took them and thought they were good. I just hope she doen't get on me about school, medicine that they give me, and being that adult thing I don't really know anything about.
I think you're right that we need to be patient ( another word I can't stand). I am barely able to play dress up as an adult. The thing that bothers me most, the more I am aware of this the more I hear it in conversations with people. Then I think they are telling me to grow up faster, be an adult right now. I can't stand that pressure or assumed pressure because I am going through the pain of what happened in the past without my usual destructive coping mechanisms. It feels like I am in the middle of a war zone. My mom actually is pretty good right now. I have set some terms with her due to my T's suggestion and she took them and thought they were good. I just hope she doen't get on me about school, medicine that they give me, and being that adult thing I don't really know anything about.
craftygirl3
12-15-2008, 01:18 AM
I can so relate to the kid thing, I go from 3- about 14 is the oldest I get. people ask what I do for a living, I tell them that my job I am me. I am still raising myself. it is hard as we all know. I don't try to pretend anything anymore. I have my hands full and if someone doesn't like the way I am youthful at 38 yo, then they don't have to hang around me. You know what one of my friends got me for Christmas? a doggie baby blanket. it is a cross between a stuffed dog doll and a blanket. and I take it to appts, as I have allot theses days. and anyone that bats an eye I stick my tongue out at them. it is really soft and great to sleep with.
I have no shame for being me. I am not saying anyone else has. I am alway appropriate, maybe not age appropriate. but that's me and that's okay.
thank you to all who are giving kind support.
and to those who suffer with me, with there selfs. I may not know you. I want you to know I am pulling for you!:angel:
I have no shame for being me. I am not saying anyone else has. I am alway appropriate, maybe not age appropriate. but that's me and that's okay.
thank you to all who are giving kind support.
and to those who suffer with me, with there selfs. I may not know you. I want you to know I am pulling for you!:angel:
maybecrazy
12-15-2008, 04:39 AM
Hi Captnanny,
I think the one who places the most pressure on us to act like an adult is us - well with me anyway - if i were my parent i would get social services involved:) i am mostly disapointed with my behaviour - tell myself that i am not working hard enough at being "well" what is well anyway? on the other hand I say I want progress not perfection but really I want perfection - I want to be whole and unknowing of how screwed up my childhood made me - i want the few memories i have recovered to go back where they came from and the half memories to either come through so i can deal with them or SHOVE OFF!
and craftygirl3 you are very brave - I say the words that i dont care what people think - but i do - having said that i have "sad Bear" at home who gives me a cuddle when I am feeling low or curled up in a ball wanting the world to go away - and a rock in my pocket with the word hope etched into it - so I tell myself I can never lose hope again so im 5 going on 51 jst had a birthday a week after the aniv of what started all this crap off for me - I hope everyone is .... as well as can be expected under the circumstances LOL :)
I think the one who places the most pressure on us to act like an adult is us - well with me anyway - if i were my parent i would get social services involved:) i am mostly disapointed with my behaviour - tell myself that i am not working hard enough at being "well" what is well anyway? on the other hand I say I want progress not perfection but really I want perfection - I want to be whole and unknowing of how screwed up my childhood made me - i want the few memories i have recovered to go back where they came from and the half memories to either come through so i can deal with them or SHOVE OFF!
and craftygirl3 you are very brave - I say the words that i dont care what people think - but i do - having said that i have "sad Bear" at home who gives me a cuddle when I am feeling low or curled up in a ball wanting the world to go away - and a rock in my pocket with the word hope etched into it - so I tell myself I can never lose hope again so im 5 going on 51 jst had a birthday a week after the aniv of what started all this crap off for me - I hope everyone is .... as well as can be expected under the circumstances LOL :)