captnanny
12-16-2008, 08:32 AM
Hi,
I don't think I've actually started my own thread but I neeed to get somethings out, need to vent. Right now I am very scared, in pain and confused. I have been working very hard and honestly in therapy over the past two to three months. It's the first time I have realized that there is so much I have to accept about my past and drop all of my fantasy wishes of how I think things should go for me to get better. I started remembering a lot of things that happened but without any feelings. I realize that the feelings used to come later and I would blame them on other things. I didn't realize that they were what I probably felt as a little girl. It is like I lived in a war zone and the only way to survive was to be obedient and pray and pretend I was in a movie where there would be a fairy mother come and save me. Now there is no movie, this is my life. I still can't feel the past.
Now I am faced with surgery on thursday, major neck surgery. My mom is going to come and stay with me for a while which is scaring the bleep out of me. She had said she was going to stay with me for a week, then sunday she asked if one of my friends was going to come over and stay during the work week. I just went numb. I can't believe she did not tell me this earlier. I am having surgery the day after tomorrow and I don't have anyone right now to call to change their plans just because my mom is ambivilant. My therapist says she has seen this inconsistency with her before but I have not because my dad was even more inconsistent. I can't take this. I can't sleep, I am in excruciating pain and can barely move. I am going for my presurgical test today, preregister and blood type thing. I want to see my therapist but I really can't drive.
I am just panicking right now. I feel confused, rejected and very scared. Why does something always have to happen when I just start getting better?
I don't think I've actually started my own thread but I neeed to get somethings out, need to vent. Right now I am very scared, in pain and confused. I have been working very hard and honestly in therapy over the past two to three months. It's the first time I have realized that there is so much I have to accept about my past and drop all of my fantasy wishes of how I think things should go for me to get better. I started remembering a lot of things that happened but without any feelings. I realize that the feelings used to come later and I would blame them on other things. I didn't realize that they were what I probably felt as a little girl. It is like I lived in a war zone and the only way to survive was to be obedient and pray and pretend I was in a movie where there would be a fairy mother come and save me. Now there is no movie, this is my life. I still can't feel the past.
Now I am faced with surgery on thursday, major neck surgery. My mom is going to come and stay with me for a while which is scaring the bleep out of me. She had said she was going to stay with me for a week, then sunday she asked if one of my friends was going to come over and stay during the work week. I just went numb. I can't believe she did not tell me this earlier. I am having surgery the day after tomorrow and I don't have anyone right now to call to change their plans just because my mom is ambivilant. My therapist says she has seen this inconsistency with her before but I have not because my dad was even more inconsistent. I can't take this. I can't sleep, I am in excruciating pain and can barely move. I am going for my presurgical test today, preregister and blood type thing. I want to see my therapist but I really can't drive.
I am just panicking right now. I feel confused, rejected and very scared. Why does something always have to happen when I just start getting better?
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craftygirl3
12-16-2008, 06:22 PM
hey! captnanny!
Do you have anyone else?
can you stay at the hospital, can your therapist help?
when something hits me it helps to examine my options.
I know you need the surgery. You don't need the stress. It will take you longer to heal.
I feel that you need to get yourself out of this before it gets really horrid.
can you reschedule the procedure? can you find some one else to help? can your therapist help you find a case manager to help deal with home care after surgery?
You are survivor.
You are not too stuck yet. brainstorm options.
When I get like this I go into protective mode. What are my options? what can I do to make this better?
hey, I just want this to be as good as possible.
You will know what is right. Trust yourself. hang in there. I'm pulling for you.:wave:
Do you have anyone else?
can you stay at the hospital, can your therapist help?
when something hits me it helps to examine my options.
I know you need the surgery. You don't need the stress. It will take you longer to heal.
I feel that you need to get yourself out of this before it gets really horrid.
can you reschedule the procedure? can you find some one else to help? can your therapist help you find a case manager to help deal with home care after surgery?
You are survivor.
You are not too stuck yet. brainstorm options.
When I get like this I go into protective mode. What are my options? what can I do to make this better?
hey, I just want this to be as good as possible.
You will know what is right. Trust yourself. hang in there. I'm pulling for you.:wave:
captnanny
12-16-2008, 06:51 PM
Thanks for your quick response craftygirl. I have to go real quick, been up too long doing things I probably shouldn't be doing like the christmas tree and taking out garbage, laundry, etc.
As of right now I can't find anyone else to stay with me. I think what will happen is I will be in the hospital until saturday. On sunday my mom will be with me but I may still be dreary and droopy. I do have ativan if I need some for when she is here. On monday, she may go to work and hopefully I can get a hold of my friend who is off of work on Mondays and Tuesdays to come over and be with me for a while. Wednesday is Christmas eve so they would be over anyway, Thursday she is going to my sisters who is "in" with my dead. She refuses to have anything to do with me because I told. So my friend already told me she would come over on christmas day.
I don't know what to do. I just scared that she will keep my medecine and say she needs to monitor it and push me to eat more than I can. My therapist says she may have an unconscious urge to see me fail but at the same time takes responsibility for my sucess. She also may feel guilty but I totally don't see my mom feeling guilty for anything or place I am in right now. According to her "the therapist needs to do something to get you right." I just cringe but have to remember that is her, not me and her words are not true in my life. She has to own them because I won't.
I just hope and pray I can get a hold of my other friend. Yeah, I'm freaking out right now.
As of right now I can't find anyone else to stay with me. I think what will happen is I will be in the hospital until saturday. On sunday my mom will be with me but I may still be dreary and droopy. I do have ativan if I need some for when she is here. On monday, she may go to work and hopefully I can get a hold of my friend who is off of work on Mondays and Tuesdays to come over and be with me for a while. Wednesday is Christmas eve so they would be over anyway, Thursday she is going to my sisters who is "in" with my dead. She refuses to have anything to do with me because I told. So my friend already told me she would come over on christmas day.
I don't know what to do. I just scared that she will keep my medecine and say she needs to monitor it and push me to eat more than I can. My therapist says she may have an unconscious urge to see me fail but at the same time takes responsibility for my sucess. She also may feel guilty but I totally don't see my mom feeling guilty for anything or place I am in right now. According to her "the therapist needs to do something to get you right." I just cringe but have to remember that is her, not me and her words are not true in my life. She has to own them because I won't.
I just hope and pray I can get a hold of my other friend. Yeah, I'm freaking out right now.
maybecrazy
12-16-2008, 09:04 PM
Hi captnanny,
your mum certainly knows how to put the cat amoungst the pidgeons - I have a family member like that she will make arrangements and then when I really need her she will let me down - i know this but i still make the arrangements Grrr:mad:
I hope you have managed to get hold of your friend - it sounds like you have a plan - its easy to say but try not to let your mum stress you out - keep saying to yourself that's her problem not mine - you are strong and you wil get through this - ive been told and read that if you are terrified about somthing go to the extreme think of whats the worst thing that could happen and how you would deal with it - that lets you know that there is always a way forward - and then whatever happens doesnt seem so bad - I hate it when people let you down it affects your own self worth too and it shouldnt.
You need this op so you can and will get through this - post here when things are bad - it helps just to say the things in our head sometimes - take care and I hope all goes well with the op and wish you a speedy recovery.
:angel:
your mum certainly knows how to put the cat amoungst the pidgeons - I have a family member like that she will make arrangements and then when I really need her she will let me down - i know this but i still make the arrangements Grrr:mad:
I hope you have managed to get hold of your friend - it sounds like you have a plan - its easy to say but try not to let your mum stress you out - keep saying to yourself that's her problem not mine - you are strong and you wil get through this - ive been told and read that if you are terrified about somthing go to the extreme think of whats the worst thing that could happen and how you would deal with it - that lets you know that there is always a way forward - and then whatever happens doesnt seem so bad - I hate it when people let you down it affects your own self worth too and it shouldnt.
You need this op so you can and will get through this - post here when things are bad - it helps just to say the things in our head sometimes - take care and I hope all goes well with the op and wish you a speedy recovery.
:angel:
craftygirl3
12-16-2008, 11:48 PM
hey all!
sounds like you have a plan.
have faith, you are so strong.
I wrote my family my version of a dear John, near this thanksgiving(right before)
all the family I have around me is the one's I have picked. it has been a long time coming. it is not for everyone. I haven't seen all of them but my mother for 20 years, and haven't seen her for almost 3(she lives a mile from me. the rest live in the states.)
I just had to give up on the notion that they were going to be different, or that one day they would care or act like they were suppose to, they never had.
Fortunately I have a great support system and great friends and My hand picked family. I don't recommend doing this, unless you have people in place to take over the roles.
I am a great person, I know this cause I have great friends and like attracts like. I just bust my butt, hang on, and trust the process.
please vent. I will listen.
cg3:wave:
sounds like you have a plan.
have faith, you are so strong.
I wrote my family my version of a dear John, near this thanksgiving(right before)
all the family I have around me is the one's I have picked. it has been a long time coming. it is not for everyone. I haven't seen all of them but my mother for 20 years, and haven't seen her for almost 3(she lives a mile from me. the rest live in the states.)
I just had to give up on the notion that they were going to be different, or that one day they would care or act like they were suppose to, they never had.
Fortunately I have a great support system and great friends and My hand picked family. I don't recommend doing this, unless you have people in place to take over the roles.
I am a great person, I know this cause I have great friends and like attracts like. I just bust my butt, hang on, and trust the process.
please vent. I will listen.
cg3:wave:
captnanny
12-17-2008, 05:43 AM
Thanks for your support. This time tomorrow morning I probably will be awake, she will be here and I won't be able to drink or eat anything. I hate waking up so early. I think it's because of the pain and somethings may have happened to me around this time at night. My therapist keeps wanting me to think about why I constantly wake up at this time and am kind of scared to even try to go back to sleep for about an hour. I know my dad would come home very late, but I don't know how late. He sometimes would come to my room first or they would start fighting. I always pretended not to hear anything. In fact I always forgot (probably) instantaneously.
She threw another curve ball at me last night. She is not even leaving to come here until 7:00pm tonight. I'll already be half asleep. This means she won't get here until 8:00. She's waiting for the traffic to ease up. I just don't get it. Well my friend, I still can't get a hold of the other one, but will try her today at her work. My other friend will come over maybe if she gets off early. Man I do not like this. I feel like I am not even safe or able to trust in my own home. Again this is her problem, I have my plans. I will try to stay on this board since I can have my laptop in my lap. My mom will not be awake, I'll try to be very quiet.
I will definately need you guys.
Thanks for being there.
She threw another curve ball at me last night. She is not even leaving to come here until 7:00pm tonight. I'll already be half asleep. This means she won't get here until 8:00. She's waiting for the traffic to ease up. I just don't get it. Well my friend, I still can't get a hold of the other one, but will try her today at her work. My other friend will come over maybe if she gets off early. Man I do not like this. I feel like I am not even safe or able to trust in my own home. Again this is her problem, I have my plans. I will try to stay on this board since I can have my laptop in my lap. My mom will not be awake, I'll try to be very quiet.
I will definately need you guys.
Thanks for being there.
maybecrazy
12-17-2008, 05:21 PM
I have no idea of timezones so please forgive me I screw up on timing of things:)
did you manage to get hold of your friend - your mum leaving to keep out of the traffic sounds logical - i hope she doesnt arrive too late -
good luck wiht your op - keep in touch -
you can do this - you are strong and resourceful and you have a plan - and hopefully this op will help with your pain levels - take care MBC:)
did you manage to get hold of your friend - your mum leaving to keep out of the traffic sounds logical - i hope she doesnt arrive too late -
good luck wiht your op - keep in touch -
you can do this - you are strong and resourceful and you have a plan - and hopefully this op will help with your pain levels - take care MBC:)
craftygirl3
12-17-2008, 06:21 PM
hang in there. I am pulling for you. hold on and find the # of adult protective services, and the crisis line. call them if it gets to bad. it is an idea
cg3;)
cg3;)
captnanny
12-18-2008, 04:56 AM
My surgery is not until 3 in the afternoon so my mom did not have to come over at all. I just can't eat anything right now and at 7:00 am I can't drink anything but sip a little water until 9:30. This means no pain medicine, no antidepressant but the hope that this surgery will work and I will not let my mom get in the way of it. I have people to call, got a hold of my other friend who said she was trying to get Monday and tuesday off, she totally gets my mom. My other friend came over and spent the day with me. We went through some of the plans for deep breathing and relaxation techniques. I also think this board will be my venting so my mom doesn't hear me when I'm stressed out. I'll just tell her I need some quiet. I really hope, Oh here comes my fear of abandonment, you guys are here.
maybecrazy
12-19-2008, 05:28 PM
I'm here, it sounds like you have worked out a good plan and have some good friends there to help you through this - I hope the surgery goes well and that you feel better soon - i will check in later - hang in there - things will work out - you are strong - you can do this :) MBC
craftygirl3
12-20-2008, 01:09 AM
captnanny? how did it go? are you good? your surgery should be over by now. I will be here for till Sunday. so us know. Ps the hotel I am going to has internet.so I may not be out of contact the whole time.
captnanny
12-21-2008, 06:00 AM
I'm back home. Got home last night and was in a lot of pain. Right now it's so bad and my mom is sleeping. Wonder if that has anything do with it. In the hospital my mom stayed until like 1:00 in the morning he first night. I didn't get out of surgery until 7:30. Then Friday she did not come back until one and when my friend called she asked me if I wanted her over, I overcourse said yes. So my friend got there and my mom up and left. She's going again today to get her haircut, which right now is fine, I don't want her around. Everythin is about food, having me not move, and just little things that I am exaggerating. Oh well, wanted to let you know, I'm back think the sugery went well it's just this painful recovery period. Hopefully she'll let me put my laptop on my lap.
maybecrazy
12-21-2008, 07:22 AM
Hi Captnanny,
Im glad the surgery went well and you seem to be handling things - sorry abut the pain - hopefully it will lessen with time - hang in there - MBC:)
Im glad the surgery went well and you seem to be handling things - sorry abut the pain - hopefully it will lessen with time - hang in there - MBC:)
craftygirl3
12-21-2008, 05:16 PM
captnanny, I'm with ya in spirit. Please hang int here. I am so sorry that you are in pain, and for the rest of what is going on. cg3:angel:
maybecrazy
12-21-2008, 08:14 PM
How are you going? thinking of you ;) P7
sending you a guardian angel to help you through this :angel:
sending you a guardian angel to help you through this :angel:
captnanny
12-22-2008, 04:58 AM
Hey,
yesterday with my mom actually went well. She did not get her haircut because it was so cold outside and my friend came over anyway. We talked a lot and did not fight. I did not get that aggitated with her. Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing to start a relationship off on a positive and close track. Can't type too much cause of pain so I'll be back later.
yesterday with my mom actually went well. She did not get her haircut because it was so cold outside and my friend came over anyway. We talked a lot and did not fight. I did not get that aggitated with her. Maybe this will turn out to be a good thing to start a relationship off on a positive and close track. Can't type too much cause of pain so I'll be back later.
maybecrazy
12-22-2008, 05:02 AM
glad to hear things are ok at the moment - maybe this will turn out to be a good thing with your mum - you never know- sorry to hear you still have pain - hoping that will fade with time.
hang in there -MBC:)
hang in there -MBC:)
captnanny
12-23-2008, 06:00 AM
Well what a difference a day makes. For a while there she was being inconsistent again, almost hyper but I kind of tuned it out. I just feeel like she doesn't think things through all the way. She is criticizing things about my apartment building and I take it personally. I live in the suburbs, she lives in the city yet she feels safer in the city than where I live. I don't know how to understand it. I thought again yesterday she was going to force me to eat something. Oh man, when I need to lay flat there is no way I can eat.
Ok venting here got a lot out but can't type anymore.
Ok venting here got a lot out but can't type anymore.
maybecrazy
12-23-2008, 06:19 PM
HI Captnanny,:wave:
I feel safer in the city - you have more people there but you can remain more seperate - its hard to explain - there are more people on the streets in the city when i am going home than in the suburbs so that feels safer -
try not to take what your mum says about where you live to heart - its just her opinion and its your opinion that counts - if you are happy there then thats enough:)
re eating when laying down - tell her its dangerous - see if that puts it to rest -
take care and be well :)
I feel safer in the city - you have more people there but you can remain more seperate - its hard to explain - there are more people on the streets in the city when i am going home than in the suburbs so that feels safer -
try not to take what your mum says about where you live to heart - its just her opinion and its your opinion that counts - if you are happy there then thats enough:)
re eating when laying down - tell her its dangerous - see if that puts it to rest -
take care and be well :)
captnanny
12-24-2008, 07:21 AM
Thanks what you said about being in the city helps. I thought she was trying to get back at me for finally telling her why I am scared of going down the street she lives on. That's where my dad paid someone to hurt her and she almost die I don't know if the moderator would let me totally honest there so think of it as worse. When I eat I do sit up, it's that she wants me to eat every hour and I feel like I'm sitting up, laying down never actually resting. Yesterday was a horrible pain day. I hope it's not one today. She also told me the surgery was a waste of time because I'm not eating what she wants me to. I am trying to eat, I definitely do not have an appetite but eat anyway, but she still thinks I'm trying to ruin the surgery. Last week it was something else I was doing, so next week it might be something else. She is really inconsistent, more than I ever before have seen.
maybecrazy
12-26-2008, 04:36 AM
Hi Captnanny,
It's right that you should eat to get better - to give your body the fuel it needs - but every hour seems a bit excessive - eat what you can when you can .- can you say to your mum that you will eat every 4 hours ? Dont let her remarks get to you - its just her opinion and as long as you know you are doing your best thats enough :)
it really sounds like a control issue - and blame doesnt help - of course you want the surgery to work or you wouldnt have had it - try to ignore her comments - say to yourself thats your problem not mine.
Can you get different pain meds if you are in such pain? I hope you still have your friends coming over - sounds like you could do with a break - take care and be kind to yourself :) MBC
It's right that you should eat to get better - to give your body the fuel it needs - but every hour seems a bit excessive - eat what you can when you can .- can you say to your mum that you will eat every 4 hours ? Dont let her remarks get to you - its just her opinion and as long as you know you are doing your best thats enough :)
it really sounds like a control issue - and blame doesnt help - of course you want the surgery to work or you wouldnt have had it - try to ignore her comments - say to yourself thats your problem not mine.
Can you get different pain meds if you are in such pain? I hope you still have your friends coming over - sounds like you could do with a break - take care and be kind to yourself :) MBC
captnanny
12-27-2008, 07:07 AM
I am going to try and take a big break today. My mom doesn't even talk about the surgery anymore, just that now I have an eating disorder. I did promise her I would eat more often and I am. I agree that I do need to gain weight and I am eating/drinking ensure and protein mixes. I also am eating food.
As for it being a control issue, it is for both of us. I feel so out of control with this surgery, can't do anything; laundry, dishes, lifting, bending or twisting. I can't even see the where the incision is to know if I'm ok. That drives me nuts. Maybe if I let myself feel that frustration and how frustrating it must have been when I was little to have no control but to feel like I could ruin everything in one second. And that's what my therapist said about my mom. She feels guilty, but will never admit it, but also resents me in some way. I admit I resent her for things that didn't happen when I was little.
That is why she is being so inconsistent in her words. So my therapist says. Well she's gone now. Today is going to be a very lazy day laying down taking more of the anti-inflammatory called valium. Who knew that that was also an anti-inflammatory medcation?
As for it being a control issue, it is for both of us. I feel so out of control with this surgery, can't do anything; laundry, dishes, lifting, bending or twisting. I can't even see the where the incision is to know if I'm ok. That drives me nuts. Maybe if I let myself feel that frustration and how frustrating it must have been when I was little to have no control but to feel like I could ruin everything in one second. And that's what my therapist said about my mom. She feels guilty, but will never admit it, but also resents me in some way. I admit I resent her for things that didn't happen when I was little.
That is why she is being so inconsistent in her words. So my therapist says. Well she's gone now. Today is going to be a very lazy day laying down taking more of the anti-inflammatory called valium. Who knew that that was also an anti-inflammatory medcation?
maybecrazy
12-28-2008, 04:26 AM
she probably feels resentment as a protection to herself against feeling guilty - if we are blaming others it is easier not to take responsibility ourselves - anyway I am glad you are having a bit of a break and trying to chill out - you deserve it - take care MBC:)
captnanny
12-28-2008, 08:04 AM
How true how true. It is weird that my mom can get angry at my dad for me. BUt she can't get angry at him for her and vice versa. I am so mad at her for not realizing what he's done to her and that still doesn't believe it. Yet I still am where she is, can't feel anger, the hurt of what he has done to me. That is why I resented her so much in the past. I don't anymore, yes I still get very mad and have to deal with her own anxiety and ptsd issue but she has told me she feels guilty for not seeing what was going on. She plays naive very well.
Now we are at a point where I think she is angry or resents me because I did treat her bad after a while. We've talked about it but she still can't stand when it even sounds like I'm going to say something like I did when I was a teenager. She probably does feel guilty and doesn't want to feel it all the way. She does what we went through for a living. She helps children get the best possible scenario and truely wants their best interest. I think she wishes she could have done that for us. But she resents me for still having problems and talking about this stuff a long time ago. She doesn't know how to just be with me except to talk about problems. I don't know I'm rambling but I do agree that she uses resentment as a block to feeling guilty. I also feel it doesn't do any good to blame someone but working on forgiving them so we can move on is the key. Forgiveness is hard but I think of it as letting them go in my mind so I can get better, not them getting off the hook.
Now we are at a point where I think she is angry or resents me because I did treat her bad after a while. We've talked about it but she still can't stand when it even sounds like I'm going to say something like I did when I was a teenager. She probably does feel guilty and doesn't want to feel it all the way. She does what we went through for a living. She helps children get the best possible scenario and truely wants their best interest. I think she wishes she could have done that for us. But she resents me for still having problems and talking about this stuff a long time ago. She doesn't know how to just be with me except to talk about problems. I don't know I'm rambling but I do agree that she uses resentment as a block to feeling guilty. I also feel it doesn't do any good to blame someone but working on forgiving them so we can move on is the key. Forgiveness is hard but I think of it as letting them go in my mind so I can get better, not them getting off the hook.
maybecrazy
12-29-2008, 05:32 AM
it must be hard knowing that she helps children now but didnt help you - hard for both of you
and yes it doesnt mean letting them off the hook - if you can forgive i think it frees you up a little and lets some of the anger andresentment die down - for me - there is a saying that i heard on a movie - it was " I never forget and only god forgives" - im still too angry to go there - but i wish you well - take care and be well MBC:)
and yes it doesnt mean letting them off the hook - if you can forgive i think it frees you up a little and lets some of the anger andresentment die down - for me - there is a saying that i heard on a movie - it was " I never forget and only god forgives" - im still too angry to go there - but i wish you well - take care and be well MBC:)
captnanny
12-29-2008, 06:22 AM
That's exactly what I had to do. I wouldn't for so long but I now realize it was only keeping me stuck. I did tell her I resented her for letting it go on and for not believing it was my dad that terrible night. I told her I was so angry with her for moving us away from the people who protected us. I also told her that I understood we had to financially but I lost my family. She sat there and listened. I told her that after that almost fateful night I had to give up. I would always try to save her from him. I couldn't that night and I couldn't keep doing it, I told her I just had to stop and not count on her being alive much more. As a seventh grader it seemed like the next time would have done it. She did not know that but understands why. She also is mad at herself that we had to move. She understands that is why I was so mean to her but she still doesn't think I still need to be. I told her what I did appreciate about her. She kept me from going to a state hospital where my dad had paid doctors to say I was schizophrenic and drug me up. She waited in court for eight hours so the judge could issue the domestic violence rule so he wouldn't be able to break in and the police would have to take him away. She kept me in the hospital when I wanted to give up and leave. SO I was able to tell what I appreciate now and what I resented. It felt so relieving I guess. So the big question is why can't I feel resentment and anger against my dad who was the worse? THAt is driving me nuts.
maybecrazy
12-31-2008, 04:07 AM
maybe you dont feel safe to do so ? maybe its safer to feel nothing? I dont hate my dad - i could never tell him how i felt about what he didto us as a family and to my brothers and sister and i suppose me - I dont know - i just dont, I think I should hate him but i just see he was damaged too.
it's difficult isnt it.
it's difficult isnt it.
captnanny
01-01-2009, 07:29 AM
I do agree that I probably don't feel safe enough to. I don't think I could hate my dad but I do think I feel scared, hurt and mad at what he's done to me and my family. I know his family life was exactly the same but that's his life. He no longer is in my life on his part. Since I told about some of the stuff like his drinking, beating my mom and what he called me, he said he will not have any part of it. He denied it all, tried to get my aunt's doctor who my grandpa hired to diagnose me with schizophrenia and put me on meds that would shut me up.
I would not allow it to happen so he said I was dead to him and he was having another baby to replace me. 18 months later he had a baby girl. That hurt but I still thought he would come back I still wanted him in my life, I just wanted validation of my feelings. That will never happen but somehow I'm still protecting him and me from the threats he made.
My dad was damaged to and I can feel sad for what he went through, but I can't feel sad for what I went through. I guess it takes time. I don't like being patient but that's what's going to have to do.
I would not allow it to happen so he said I was dead to him and he was having another baby to replace me. 18 months later he had a baby girl. That hurt but I still thought he would come back I still wanted him in my life, I just wanted validation of my feelings. That will never happen but somehow I'm still protecting him and me from the threats he made.
My dad was damaged to and I can feel sad for what he went through, but I can't feel sad for what I went through. I guess it takes time. I don't like being patient but that's what's going to have to do.
maybecrazy
01-02-2009, 02:58 AM
it does take time, and it will come. you cant get blood from a stone and you cant get love from someone who doesnt have any for you - that sounded harsh - i didnt mean it to be.... I just meant there comes a time when you ahve to try and cut your losses and say ok he will never feel that way about me so I will find people who will - geez i wasted years wanting someone to care about me who just wasnt capable :confused:
You are strong and you can get through this - we will all get through this together :angel:
You are strong and you can get through this - we will all get through this together :angel:
captnanny
01-02-2009, 06:49 AM
Ditto ditto ditto on everything you said Maybecrazy. And if he doesn't have love for me, than I no longer have to protect him and not betray him.
Man I love what you just posted!
THANKS
Man I love what you just posted!
THANKS
kaela21
01-02-2009, 09:24 AM
hi captnanny... im a newbie.. and just read your entry.. sorry to hear about everything that you are going through.. i feel that your still favouring your father because that he is exactly that "your father" for you to not do that means u have to move on and not have that hope of him ever coming back into ur life.. try to seperate your self from him as ur father and see what it what he actually did..ask your self what advice would you give to your best friend ? you may then get some answers.. you seem to be doing the right thing by understanding your father and why you think he acted this way.. people arnt usually born this way something makes them this way, thier upbringing their environment, i always believe understanding why a person does such things helps me to cope, once understanding this it is easier i feel. then there is u, ur feelings ur hurt ur pain.. u must be feeling really hurt..would it be possible to write everything and i mean every single thing down on paper and post it to him, not sure if it will work but it did for me, it helped me let go.. because i have the opportunity to tellhim everything and get it all off my chest.. i moved on... i have no love for my father now, it took years of being one very mixed up teenager.. i blame my father for a lot of bad that happened to me in m,y life, but because i sent him that letter i felt great after it.. i was able to be angry with him and release my pain and hatred and blame on his lap... it made him very upset but was free... strange thing is.. his wife died 2yrs ago.. and me and my sister are going once a week to shop for him (reluctantly) we dontwant to do it but feel its a duty.. the thingis we have the power and he doesnt have it anymore.. i feel in ur case u need to find ur power and once you have it you canthen look at him and turn away and be happy... he is your father he messed up big time and left behind a wonderful child... his loss !!! i always say what goes around comes around.. and he will get his.. trust me... i am a true believer in that... i cant remember if u said if u wher married or not.. when u find ur mr right if u havent already .. when u do u will have ur own family to love and be loved... i wish u every success.. i wish u luck .. thankyou for sharing ur story... take care xxx kaela
mod-anon
01-02-2009, 11:12 AM
Please spell out words so that people can read and understand what you are saying. This is not an sms message site or chat room. Many readers have difficulty understanding shorthand (u, r, ur, ppl, cos, etc).
maybecrazy
01-02-2009, 11:46 PM
:wave: hi kaela21 and welcome,
you sound like you have come a long way in your healing journey - and I am glad for you :) another score for us :D another loss for the ones who caused us this pain.
I just wanted to add that even if you write the letter and never send it - burn it or whatever - it can still help - I could never have sent the letters I wrote but they helped me get through this - take care MBC:)
you sound like you have come a long way in your healing journey - and I am glad for you :) another score for us :D another loss for the ones who caused us this pain.
I just wanted to add that even if you write the letter and never send it - burn it or whatever - it can still help - I could never have sent the letters I wrote but they helped me get through this - take care MBC:)
captnanny
01-03-2009, 06:26 AM
All I can say right now is that I think i am scared, petrified of writing a letter. That means writing down what I remember, everything and I have trouble doing that still. Even if I wrote down what I know and remember I'm scared. It's like I can already hear him denying it and I'm agreeing with him and apologizing. How do I start? Why do I think this way?
kaela21
01-05-2009, 04:28 PM
hi captnanny, thankyou for sharing your stuff with me i am honoured... you are scared because follows it is alot of pain, if you are having problems writing it down only do this when you feel ready to, you dont have to give it to your father just keep it for yourself, burn it rip it up, the important thing is is for you to write down your feelings, another way is imagine a cushion being him, imagine the things you would say to him.. tell me do you feel anything is your fault ? i hope you dont mind me asking but as i only came onto healthboard a short while ago i missed out on your story so i am only getting half of it... whatever happened in the past you have to know that you have the power and not your father.. just because he denies it he knows what happened and so do you... he or anyone cannot take this away... the most important thing is for you to know this and to get strong and believe in your self... at the moment he acts this way.. but deep down he knows that one day you may let it all out and deep inside he is probably dreading this day. you have the power and you must believe this. remember you havent done anything wrong... what advice would you give to your friend... what would you tell her if she asked you this question, the one that your seeking the answer to... take care, and i look forward in hearing from you... take care kaela
moderator2
01-05-2009, 05:57 PM
kaela21,
Everyone uses this website anonymously, as per the Posting Policy. Do not post your personal contact information. Please read the posting rules.
Everyone uses this website anonymously, as per the Posting Policy. Do not post your personal contact information. Please read the posting rules.
craftygirl3
01-06-2009, 03:49 AM
writing letters... tough one. every time I write one, it sends up a bunch of stuff. and all I have ever done is burn them, *except for the last one* I mailed it. then I started to have chest pains and worse nightmares. I am not discouraging anyone from doing it, just think about what it will bring up with you. Bleep the other person. make sure that you have some safety nets in place for the the back lash it will cause (nightmares, panic attacks, other symptoms). I know the only way out is through, but try to make it as comfortable as possible, and don't force it. it will come when it is ready. meanwhile work on other things. that's what I am doing, working at the speed of pain. not fun but necessary. no use in making it worse than it is. I know what i can handle and how much. and if I push past that it is horrid.
Hang in there. trust yourself and do the work. sorry that's all I can offer, other than it is working for me.:wave:cg3
Hang in there. trust yourself and do the work. sorry that's all I can offer, other than it is working for me.:wave:cg3
captnanny
01-06-2009, 06:40 AM
I like both of your responses. If I'm not ready yet then I'm not. In fact this is the very first time I even realized I should have feelings about the chronic abuse. Feelings towards him I mean. They have always been projected all on to my mom or myself. The one thing I can say is that after I posted one f the last posts, that he says I am dead to him, even left me out of my grandpa's eulogy, makes me mad as hell.
I like working at the speed of pain, and don't force it. I do have a lot of other stuff to work on now such as allowing myself to recover from this painful surgery, deal with my mom's inconsistency and missing the children I nanny for. I miss them so much it hurts. They are six and eight been with them since the 8 year old was 6 months old. Think their mom is losing her job soon because of the stupid economy. Can't talk about anymore I will turn into a pain of blubbler
I like working at the speed of pain, and don't force it. I do have a lot of other stuff to work on now such as allowing myself to recover from this painful surgery, deal with my mom's inconsistency and missing the children I nanny for. I miss them so much it hurts. They are six and eight been with them since the 8 year old was 6 months old. Think their mom is losing her job soon because of the stupid economy. Can't talk about anymore I will turn into a pain of blubbler
maybecrazy
01-06-2009, 07:44 PM
Hi captnanny,
its hard when you cant place the pain firmly at the feet of the person who caused it - but its all part of the healing process - its sounds like you may be getting on a bit better with your mum? is she still there looking after you?
I hope the pain has subsied a bit, maybe once you are up and around you can go visit the children you used to nanny - that would be good for your spirits.
Tkae care and be well MBC
its hard when you cant place the pain firmly at the feet of the person who caused it - but its all part of the healing process - its sounds like you may be getting on a bit better with your mum? is she still there looking after you?
I hope the pain has subsied a bit, maybe once you are up and around you can go visit the children you used to nanny - that would be good for your spirits.
Tkae care and be well MBC
captnanny
01-07-2009, 07:33 AM
Hi,
I have gone to visit the children. It was great and I go back to work on Monday. I only work twice a week, was supposed to go back tomorrow but I just am not ready.
My mom is not with me, she left Christmas eve. She was going to come back but had a terrible cold, she even lost her voice so I knew she wasn't faking it. I can't risk getting sick right now. This recovery process is very slow but at least it's moving in the right direction, forward. It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but I keep getting thrown challenges. I won't let it stop me though I may fall down and need surgery (metaphor), I will get right back up and keep going forward at my own pace.
I have gone to visit the children. It was great and I go back to work on Monday. I only work twice a week, was supposed to go back tomorrow but I just am not ready.
My mom is not with me, she left Christmas eve. She was going to come back but had a terrible cold, she even lost her voice so I knew she wasn't faking it. I can't risk getting sick right now. This recovery process is very slow but at least it's moving in the right direction, forward. It's like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel but I keep getting thrown challenges. I won't let it stop me though I may fall down and need surgery (metaphor), I will get right back up and keep going forward at my own pace.
maybecrazy
01-07-2009, 09:40 PM
sounds like things have settled a bit and you are making progress - thats great - take care MBC:)