i've always had kind of a mild ocd my whole life, nothing i couldnt deal with though...obsession with odd numbers, symmetry (applying even pressure with body parts, like clenching toes, things like that), checking things, worrying about people close to me dying, etc. they were annoying but i could deal with it, i didn't feel guilty. also i'm a slob so the fact that i was careless with my hygiene and cleanliness made me think there wasnt much to worry about in the ocd realm i guess.

but anyway...lately i've been having really horrible intrusive thoughts that are really getting in the way of my relationship. i've always had rude thoughts cross my mind and i think i tend to dwell on them a bit more than most, but i never really cared. if i was talking to a friend, i wouldnt feel guilty about all the horrible things going on in my mind as i spoke to them because i knew they werent true.

for some reason this isnt the case with my boyfriend. things were alright with my head at first but lately, after a particularly horrible rough patch we went through, where my anxiety went through the roof, i feel like i havent come out of it the same. throughout the relationship, even when my mind was generally ok, i would have ex boyfriends coming in and out of my mind all the time, random memories, flashes of sexual memories. i am positive that i do not want any of them and am over all of them, and i can tell these memories pop in in that uncontrollable ocd fashion. my mind would try to tell me to pretend i was kissing one of them, or that i want my boyfriend to be one of them, things like that, which is repulsive for me to even think about. i reached a point where i couldnt ignore them any longer, and i had to confess everything. i was already obsessively honest with my boyfriend but it came to a point where things that i once thought were ok within my own mind, were not ok, and i had to share ALL my ridiculous thoughts and all the crazy places my mind wandered too. that became an obsession in and of itself.

now my thoughts have gotten even worse, even though we are ok now. and i am not saying anything about them because i am terrified. i just want them to go away, but i fear now that even if i do successfully fix this problem, ill be living with the guilt that i havent told him, when i've promised to be honest about my thoughts. i have horrible thoughts about his baby cousin, like rape and murder and terrible things like that, like she should be dead, or i want to rape her, or that she's ugly, stupid, etc. these thoughts seriously horrify me and i could never tell him, he would never sit well knowing that i have such thoughts about one of the most precious people in his life. my mind just conjures the worst things to think and then i cant just dismiss them. the current one is the thought that one of my ex boyfriends will f**k the daughter that me and my boyfriend want to have in the future. this one scares the sh*t out of me, and i cant stand the fact that i am tainting this beautiful concept with my disgusting thoughts. in the past i've had intrusive thoughts about this same boyfriend, that i would have the kid with him, or that a song that my boyfriend wrote for our future daughter was a song about me and the daughter my ex would have. i know it sounds like i am hung up on him but i know i'm not, i know its just my mind torturing me with completely nonsense ideas. i also have lesser thoughts, just rude things, like thinking a necklace he bought me was ugly, even though i DONT, or that he's ugly, which is so far from the truth its ridiculous, etc. i cant stand my mind anymore, every single impure thought paralyzes me with fear and i cant shake it away, i cant handle it. i want to stop thinking about ex boyfriends, i want to stop thinking disgusting horrible thoughts the taint the idea of our daughter, or people in his life. i'm terrified to tell him about those thoughts, i don't think he would understand. i just want them to go away, i want to be normal and have my thoughts reflect my actual emotions, and any stray ones can be dismissed and not make my whole body feel like jello. even when i think i have control over them, every time he kisses me they come in full force, because obviously thats the worst time for them to come in. i'm afraid to be intimate with him because thats when my mind tries to fuck things up the most. i cant stand the idea that all my amazing memories with him will be tainted in my mind. i have this horrible image that i'll be thinking horrible things while he proposes to me. i'm fucking terrified of my mind. if i try to hold off a thought, my i get a tight, tense feeling in my brain, and thinking the thought relieves me of that tension, but obviously the relief is extremely temporary as it is accompanied by depression and anxiety.

anyway this has gone on long enough... it would be amazing to hear from anyone who's had a similar experience.. and how they went about treating it. ive thought about therapy but i dont have the money on my own and i just.. really don't know what to do.