DGabriel10
02-11-2009, 03:40 AM
Dad will start his transition to the Reminisent Center (locked unit) tomorrow morning. Mom was included in the last half of the meeting. She came in the room in tears because she thought we were talking about her, then she dissolved into more tears when she figured out what was happening. She said "NO!!!". She would just take Dad and move back home. She never did give her blessing but either resolved that she couldn't stop it or tuned it out. We will know which in the morning. Dad was actually better the last couple of days while I was there but the fact that the stairs are directly across from their room, and he consistently goes down the stairs in his wobbly state is enough to need to move him. We will see how it goes. It was a hard decision to make, difficult on Mom, will be difficult on Dad, but I think it was the right one.
Sister 4 was impossible as usual. I need sleep!!
Love, deb
Sister 4 was impossible as usual. I need sleep!!
Love, deb
Sponsor
Martha H
02-11-2009, 06:48 AM
Prayers for a good transition are on their way.
I hope it is the best solution for everyone.
Love,
Martha
I hope it is the best solution for everyone.
Love,
Martha
carsam
02-11-2009, 09:42 AM
Dearest Deb....
Praying hard for this transition for your mom and dad.....it will be hard for them, hard for all of you......I so wish you did not have to deal with yet another hurdle.
What are we going to do with these Sisters huh???:dizzy: It's hard to imagine how their minds work...but maybe we're better off not knowing some days.
Please keep us posted how mom and dad are doing....
Love, Caroline xo
Praying hard for this transition for your mom and dad.....it will be hard for them, hard for all of you......I so wish you did not have to deal with yet another hurdle.
What are we going to do with these Sisters huh???:dizzy: It's hard to imagine how their minds work...but maybe we're better off not knowing some days.
Please keep us posted how mom and dad are doing....
Love, Caroline xo
ibake&pray
02-11-2009, 01:08 PM
Ah Deb,
Kinda breaks your heart some doesn't it? It will ache so bad because you are going to have to keep up the happy face for both of your parents in the next few days. Only when you are alone will you be able to drop the smile and let your guard down and weep for the injustice of it all. I am soo sorry for you and your dad. But I know that it is for his own safety and good, and that is better for him.
I wonder how your Mom will do without him. Do you think that she will cope or do you think that she will slip down the hill faster now that he won't be there with her? I hope that she can stay stable and get out of the room and socialize with the other ladies in the area....
My prayers are with your folks. Now keep your chin up and know that I am here to keep your chin up. I'll ball up my fist so you can rest your chin on it. Keep your smile firmly in place, tough as it may be. Then you can weep after hours. I've done the laundry and there's a whole stack of clean towels...both red and purple for you.....:wave:
BTW, how much did #4 charge for the meeting?
Kinda breaks your heart some doesn't it? It will ache so bad because you are going to have to keep up the happy face for both of your parents in the next few days. Only when you are alone will you be able to drop the smile and let your guard down and weep for the injustice of it all. I am soo sorry for you and your dad. But I know that it is for his own safety and good, and that is better for him.
I wonder how your Mom will do without him. Do you think that she will cope or do you think that she will slip down the hill faster now that he won't be there with her? I hope that she can stay stable and get out of the room and socialize with the other ladies in the area....
My prayers are with your folks. Now keep your chin up and know that I am here to keep your chin up. I'll ball up my fist so you can rest your chin on it. Keep your smile firmly in place, tough as it may be. Then you can weep after hours. I've done the laundry and there's a whole stack of clean towels...both red and purple for you.....:wave:
BTW, how much did #4 charge for the meeting?
DGabriel10
02-11-2009, 02:51 PM
Just a quick update. Dad went into Reminiscent this morning and Mom went down to visit. The next event was Mom trying to take Dad out of the building to go home. When they were told that wouldn't happen Dad got angry and threatened violence. Mom got angry and then melted into tears. Then Dad got more angry because they upset Mom. At this point they both have steeled resolve that they are NOT sleeping in separate beds. The facility social worker is now trying to convince either/both of them or anything beyond the hostility they are both feeling and it's not working. Beyond that Dad's noticed the wander bracelet because somebody ask about it when they was escaping. He is determined to cut it off and throw it in the creek. This is NOT going well at all. :(
Love, deb
Love, deb
carsam
02-11-2009, 03:16 PM
Aww Deb....
I have to say my heart breaks for your parents. I assume in their condition, it is best for them, but in their hearts, it is completely wrong. No matter what their mental state, they want to stay together, it's beautiful and sad all at the same time, and must be really hard for you to witness. It is so hard to lose a spouse at any time, and they must feel like they're "losing" each other. No matter what, it sounds like they still "need" each other very much and being together sounds like what's gotten them this far. What a tough situation you are in here Deb....I'm so sorry. God bless them.....I wish this didnt have to be so hard for them or for you.
Love, Caroline xo
I have to say my heart breaks for your parents. I assume in their condition, it is best for them, but in their hearts, it is completely wrong. No matter what their mental state, they want to stay together, it's beautiful and sad all at the same time, and must be really hard for you to witness. It is so hard to lose a spouse at any time, and they must feel like they're "losing" each other. No matter what, it sounds like they still "need" each other very much and being together sounds like what's gotten them this far. What a tough situation you are in here Deb....I'm so sorry. God bless them.....I wish this didnt have to be so hard for them or for you.
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
02-11-2009, 03:24 PM
They will both calm down. They will both not only accept the new situation but forget it was not always this way. I recommend that your Mom not visit Dad for a week or two. (If that can be regulated.) Hang in there. Do not make any decisons based on how badly it is going. Give it a week, two, or a month. Nothing is solved overnight.
Love,
Martha
Love,
Martha
meg1230
02-11-2009, 03:48 PM
I agree with Martha...it is too tough on them both to visit regularly at first. They need some readjustment time.
This disease just keeps coming up with new ways to torment us all.
I'm so so sorry for all of this ugliness.
(but I have to admit that I laughed at IBaKe's comment about what Sister #4 charged for the meeting)
Love, Meg
This disease just keeps coming up with new ways to torment us all.
I'm so so sorry for all of this ugliness.
(but I have to admit that I laughed at IBaKe's comment about what Sister #4 charged for the meeting)
Love, Meg
Drews Gram
02-11-2009, 05:07 PM
Dear deb,
I'm so sorry. I had a feeling they were not going to do this without a fight. Nothing is ever easy is it? Talk about a heartbreak. Meg said it best...this disease finds news ways to torment us every day.
Just know I'm thinking of you and your parents. (((( Big Hugs))))
ibake made me laugh too. I needed that today. She"s always coming up with good ones isn't she?
Love Chris
I'm so sorry. I had a feeling they were not going to do this without a fight. Nothing is ever easy is it? Talk about a heartbreak. Meg said it best...this disease finds news ways to torment us every day.
Just know I'm thinking of you and your parents. (((( Big Hugs))))
ibake made me laugh too. I needed that today. She"s always coming up with good ones isn't she?
Love Chris
fourt9rkim
02-11-2009, 05:36 PM
I'm so sorry things aren't going well, Deb....but like Martha said, give it some time and they will both forget that it was any other way.
Whoever coined the phrase "The Golden Years" should be shot. ;)
Whoever coined the phrase "The Golden Years" should be shot. ;)
ibake&pray
02-11-2009, 06:07 PM
Oh Deb,
I know how hard it was for Daddy to have Momma in the locked unit-and he understood! They were separated for three years and it was the hardest thing in the world for him. He said the best time was the last three weeks before he died when Mom moved into the same room with him. He said he "got his wife back!" He was sooo happy. What do you expect from a couple that have been married for 64.5 years and are happy?
You can't expect them to be overjoyed about not having the love of your life in a different bed. It doesn't come easily and they will never accept it with joy or even with anything akin to acceptance. They willl tolerate it-maybe at best.
My heart aches for them.
I know how hard it was for Daddy to have Momma in the locked unit-and he understood! They were separated for three years and it was the hardest thing in the world for him. He said the best time was the last three weeks before he died when Mom moved into the same room with him. He said he "got his wife back!" He was sooo happy. What do you expect from a couple that have been married for 64.5 years and are happy?
You can't expect them to be overjoyed about not having the love of your life in a different bed. It doesn't come easily and they will never accept it with joy or even with anything akin to acceptance. They willl tolerate it-maybe at best.
My heart aches for them.
DGabriel10
02-12-2009, 12:38 AM
Thank you all. This has been harder than moving them into AL. At least I knew they would be together. Dad, before he even knew what was going to happen, said he was only happy when his wife was with him. That tore my heart apart even before the move today. I am back home and the information I got early afternoon was because I called. A good friend's 39 year old brother died suddenly and I felt the need to be here as well. Not to mention I had a dental appointment this afternoon. Evidently Sister 4 is punishing me for not agreeing to pay for the job she didn't take. She has not sent out any updates since I was there..... but she has been on one of the web posting services talking about a basketball game she watched, so I know she had the time. Sister 2 is headed there Friday so at least I will know something after that. I truly don't know which is worse, dealing with my parents or sister 4!
Thank you all for your support, kind words, advice, and just being here. It means a lot to me knowing you are here....
Love, deb
Thank you all for your support, kind words, advice, and just being here. It means a lot to me knowing you are here....
Love, deb
Drews Gram
02-12-2009, 10:01 AM
Hi deb,
Glad you made it back home safe and sound. Sorry about your friends brother. Wow 39, thats so young. Your a good friend.
It shouldn't suprise anyone that Sister #4 is still being her sweet self. :p I was hoping for your sake that she might realize that getting paid was just "stupid"...........guess not?
I find myself thinking about your parents so much and hoping that things will work out for them. We've been married for 43 years and I know how I would fight to keep my husband near me. I know its best for them both. Most definately Dad. Its going to take some time deb. I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know am I?
Just know that I'm thinking of you and your parents.
Love and hugs, Chris
Glad you made it back home safe and sound. Sorry about your friends brother. Wow 39, thats so young. Your a good friend.
It shouldn't suprise anyone that Sister #4 is still being her sweet self. :p I was hoping for your sake that she might realize that getting paid was just "stupid"...........guess not?
I find myself thinking about your parents so much and hoping that things will work out for them. We've been married for 43 years and I know how I would fight to keep my husband near me. I know its best for them both. Most definately Dad. Its going to take some time deb. I'm not telling you anything that you don't already know am I?
Just know that I'm thinking of you and your parents.
Love and hugs, Chris
carsam
02-12-2009, 11:03 AM
Dearest Deb,
I am sorry also to hear about your friends brother.....we never know what's around the corner do we?
Like Chris, I feel so much for your parents also being split up.....I hope and pray this transition will work out, although I cannot imagine it being anything but hard.
Sister 4....really not sure what to make of her. I think some people just think everything revolves around them. She truly has no idea what it's like to be alone in caring for your parents. The love and care you all put in together is wonderful......she is lucky you are "all" doing what you can. It is hard enough when there are a bunch of siblings but worse when only two or three of them are left with the burden.
In my family, my grandma had 10 children. 2 sons passed away since 2002, which is what I believe triggered grandma's dementia. Two daughters live very long distance and are themselves almost 80 years old.....so can not really be expected to do much. For the rest, two daughters, are completely hands off, dont even "ask" how grandma is doing. One daughter shows up now once or twice a week for a couple of hours, just enough to ease her conscience. So grandma is being cared for my Uncle, who lives with her, and Uncle #2 who all his life has been a recluse, but despite that, will still come and stay with Grandma. He doesnt do as much as Uncle #1, but he does what he can, and that's all that matters, because in such an awful illness, every single bit of help, whether it's physical or emotional helps, it truly does. And that leaves my mom, who travels from 3000 miles, when she can, and supports by phone every single day of her life.
From what I've experienced in my life, and from the stories I've read here, as awful as this illness is, it gets to the point where you have to hold up your hands and there's not much that can be done for your loved ones. Really and truly in my opinion, siblings and family still have the only remaining power to either support each other or make an already tough situation even harder. Sister 4 seems to be that person for you, just like my aunts are for my mom and Uncle. Keep going as you do Deb, knowing that at the end of all of this, that you can only look back at "your" part, and you can only measure your "own" efforts......and you will have no regrets dear friend. I'm glad you will get some information from Sister 2......I think it's cruel of Sister 4 to keep you out of the loop....that's manipulative as she knows you're not 5 minutes away. Aggh...what will we do with these siblings eh????
Hang in there,
Love, Caroline xo
I am sorry also to hear about your friends brother.....we never know what's around the corner do we?
Like Chris, I feel so much for your parents also being split up.....I hope and pray this transition will work out, although I cannot imagine it being anything but hard.
Sister 4....really not sure what to make of her. I think some people just think everything revolves around them. She truly has no idea what it's like to be alone in caring for your parents. The love and care you all put in together is wonderful......she is lucky you are "all" doing what you can. It is hard enough when there are a bunch of siblings but worse when only two or three of them are left with the burden.
In my family, my grandma had 10 children. 2 sons passed away since 2002, which is what I believe triggered grandma's dementia. Two daughters live very long distance and are themselves almost 80 years old.....so can not really be expected to do much. For the rest, two daughters, are completely hands off, dont even "ask" how grandma is doing. One daughter shows up now once or twice a week for a couple of hours, just enough to ease her conscience. So grandma is being cared for my Uncle, who lives with her, and Uncle #2 who all his life has been a recluse, but despite that, will still come and stay with Grandma. He doesnt do as much as Uncle #1, but he does what he can, and that's all that matters, because in such an awful illness, every single bit of help, whether it's physical or emotional helps, it truly does. And that leaves my mom, who travels from 3000 miles, when she can, and supports by phone every single day of her life.
From what I've experienced in my life, and from the stories I've read here, as awful as this illness is, it gets to the point where you have to hold up your hands and there's not much that can be done for your loved ones. Really and truly in my opinion, siblings and family still have the only remaining power to either support each other or make an already tough situation even harder. Sister 4 seems to be that person for you, just like my aunts are for my mom and Uncle. Keep going as you do Deb, knowing that at the end of all of this, that you can only look back at "your" part, and you can only measure your "own" efforts......and you will have no regrets dear friend. I'm glad you will get some information from Sister 2......I think it's cruel of Sister 4 to keep you out of the loop....that's manipulative as she knows you're not 5 minutes away. Aggh...what will we do with these siblings eh????
Hang in there,
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
02-12-2009, 03:17 PM
I probably should apologize for my wordiness on the board today but I had to keep my mind busy. I could keep my hands busy with work here but my mind would not shut up. So I wrote.
I finally got Mom on the phone a few minutes ago. She sounded tired and was very quiet. She gave short answers to questions but didn't initiate conversation. She did say that Dad got up and dressed and they had both been to lunch They came back to the room and Dad was sleeping in his chair. When I ask if she had been out of the room before lunch she said yes, she had been for a walk before Dad got up. That would explain nobody answering the phone. She even laughed tentitively to a few things that were said. I did notice the TV was on. She is having more difficulty carrying on a conversation when there is outside input such as the TV or people talking so that partially explains her quietness. Most I think she was just tired from yesterday's fiasco.
So I can only assume that they have at least temporarily DCed the move. Dad has been sleeping the last few night and did when I was there. No, Sister 4 has not informed anybody of anything that is going on yet. But I do feel better having talked to Mom I know it's not over but at least I can breath for a moment... :)
Thank you all.... you mean the world to me and are my sanity. I'm off to talk to Sister 2 as she drives from a conference back to school so she can rush through her work, have one night at home to catch up, and then drive to visit Mom and Dad tomorrow and Saturday. This is the sister that does less than me according to Sister 3 and 4.
Love, Deb
I finally got Mom on the phone a few minutes ago. She sounded tired and was very quiet. She gave short answers to questions but didn't initiate conversation. She did say that Dad got up and dressed and they had both been to lunch They came back to the room and Dad was sleeping in his chair. When I ask if she had been out of the room before lunch she said yes, she had been for a walk before Dad got up. That would explain nobody answering the phone. She even laughed tentitively to a few things that were said. I did notice the TV was on. She is having more difficulty carrying on a conversation when there is outside input such as the TV or people talking so that partially explains her quietness. Most I think she was just tired from yesterday's fiasco.
So I can only assume that they have at least temporarily DCed the move. Dad has been sleeping the last few night and did when I was there. No, Sister 4 has not informed anybody of anything that is going on yet. But I do feel better having talked to Mom I know it's not over but at least I can breath for a moment... :)
Thank you all.... you mean the world to me and are my sanity. I'm off to talk to Sister 2 as she drives from a conference back to school so she can rush through her work, have one night at home to catch up, and then drive to visit Mom and Dad tomorrow and Saturday. This is the sister that does less than me according to Sister 3 and 4.
Love, Deb
Drews Gram
02-12-2009, 04:57 PM
Dear deb,
What wordiness on the board? I didn't see any. I'm interested in your wordiness anyway. So type away. Glad they have stopped the move... I guess. I suppose "glad" isn't the word I should use. I wish things could have gone smoothly. But thats a dream.........and we live in the REAL world. Don't we? No, I'm sure its not over but Dad has a reprieve for the time being. Bless his heart.
No comment as far as sister #4 is concerned. What is there left to say about that sister? What a pain in the wazooooo!!!
Thinking of you and Mom and Dad.
Love and hugs deb, Chris
What wordiness on the board? I didn't see any. I'm interested in your wordiness anyway. So type away. Glad they have stopped the move... I guess. I suppose "glad" isn't the word I should use. I wish things could have gone smoothly. But thats a dream.........and we live in the REAL world. Don't we? No, I'm sure its not over but Dad has a reprieve for the time being. Bless his heart.
No comment as far as sister #4 is concerned. What is there left to say about that sister? What a pain in the wazooooo!!!
Thinking of you and Mom and Dad.
Love and hugs deb, Chris
ibake&pray
02-12-2009, 05:04 PM
Oh Deb,
My heart aches for your Mom and Dad. She must be so torn. She is so fearful that she losing her love and she knows that it will happen. How dreadful for her. It must be so exhausing for her. Your dad is sleeping it off and doesn't know why.
I ache for you too my dear. And my heart is heavy. It is so hard to watch this happen to your parents. It near tore me apart when it happened to mom and dad. DAddy was so sad and Momma kept asking why she couldn't leave with us. What had she done wrong that we left her there. It is so hard and so sad.
My arms are around your dear sister. I will hold you safe and sound and you can cry on me for as long as you can cry. I'll just keep handing you towels....faith my dear. Remember it moves mountains.
I have nothing to say about 4.
My heart aches for your Mom and Dad. She must be so torn. She is so fearful that she losing her love and she knows that it will happen. How dreadful for her. It must be so exhausing for her. Your dad is sleeping it off and doesn't know why.
I ache for you too my dear. And my heart is heavy. It is so hard to watch this happen to your parents. It near tore me apart when it happened to mom and dad. DAddy was so sad and Momma kept asking why she couldn't leave with us. What had she done wrong that we left her there. It is so hard and so sad.
My arms are around your dear sister. I will hold you safe and sound and you can cry on me for as long as you can cry. I'll just keep handing you towels....faith my dear. Remember it moves mountains.
I have nothing to say about 4.
carsam
02-12-2009, 06:05 PM
Ah Deb...
So glad to hear you are getting a little "breather" today....as am I. We never know what the day brings do we?
Uh oh, Sister 4 has rendered Ibake "speechless"! :) But I'm right there with her......just let her be her lovely self and fluff it off for your own good!!!
Love, Caroline xo
So glad to hear you are getting a little "breather" today....as am I. We never know what the day brings do we?
Uh oh, Sister 4 has rendered Ibake "speechless"! :) But I'm right there with her......just let her be her lovely self and fluff it off for your own good!!!
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
02-12-2009, 07:46 PM
Write as much as you like and need to, Deb ..that's what we're here for.
Love,
Martha
Love,
Martha
DGabriel10
02-13-2009, 01:48 AM
Still nothing from sister 4 but a note on the internet message sight that Mom and Dad went to the Valentine Dance this afternoon. I have no clue if this was a one day respit from the attempt to move him or if they are giving up for the time being. Sister 2 will find out tomorrow. She did write e-mail yesterday and ask for information since she was going tomorrow and so far nothing from sisters 3 or 4.
I had to laugh. About midnight my phone rang. It was sister 2. She is always in bed by 10 PM so I paniced just a bit until I heard her ""ACK"" and then a chuckle on the other end of the phone. Evidently Dad was sound asleep but Mom is on a tear to go home. She had the night caregiver (We love this particular caregiver) to called Sister 2 because Mom and Dad's van is at her house. Then Mom got on the phone and told Sister 2 to bring the van when she came tomorrow. Sister 2 said she was coming by herself so there was nobody to drive the van. Mom said that was just an excuse because Sister 2 had friends that could drive it. When Sister 2 told Mom it was not safe for her to take Dad home alone she told her it was none of her business. Mom said Dad had been talking all day (he had not) about going home and she wanted to go home too (which is the truth).... so they were leaving that place tomorrow. Sister 2 talked to Mom for a while and then ask to speak to the caregiver again. She ask the caregiver if Mom had taken a sleeping pill yet. The caregiver said she didn't think so. Sister 2 told her to give her one..... or three! I wonder if Mom will even remember it in the morning? If so Siste 2 will be in for a long night tomorrow night when she shows up without the van!!
It's been a LONG day....
Love, deb
I had to laugh. About midnight my phone rang. It was sister 2. She is always in bed by 10 PM so I paniced just a bit until I heard her ""ACK"" and then a chuckle on the other end of the phone. Evidently Dad was sound asleep but Mom is on a tear to go home. She had the night caregiver (We love this particular caregiver) to called Sister 2 because Mom and Dad's van is at her house. Then Mom got on the phone and told Sister 2 to bring the van when she came tomorrow. Sister 2 said she was coming by herself so there was nobody to drive the van. Mom said that was just an excuse because Sister 2 had friends that could drive it. When Sister 2 told Mom it was not safe for her to take Dad home alone she told her it was none of her business. Mom said Dad had been talking all day (he had not) about going home and she wanted to go home too (which is the truth).... so they were leaving that place tomorrow. Sister 2 talked to Mom for a while and then ask to speak to the caregiver again. She ask the caregiver if Mom had taken a sleeping pill yet. The caregiver said she didn't think so. Sister 2 told her to give her one..... or three! I wonder if Mom will even remember it in the morning? If so Siste 2 will be in for a long night tomorrow night when she shows up without the van!!
It's been a LONG day....
Love, deb
caringsister54
02-13-2009, 09:03 AM
I vote that Sister 2 should stop by and purchase a Matchbox van to give mom and then act confused saying "oh I thought this is what you meant, wasn't it?"
But would Sister 2 then ask for reimbursement for the toy?
As far as Sister 4 goes, and 3 seems to be taking her side, the screw them all. Keep doing what you're doing with your head held high. At least money was never important to me because I never had any and still don't. I'm holding on by my fingernails doing whatever I can to get by the next month and pray my kids get out of college soon!, so they can take some of their own bills off me. I'm helping them with cell and car insurance only because they pay their tuitions themselves and have had no student loans. My son's been in college 7 years after changing his major to education and my daughter is in college 3 years but still has 2 more to go which could take her 5to get done. I don't care as long as they have college educations.
But I am so ready to be able to have some extra at months' end. I've struggled all my life and I'm so tired of having to think and weigh every expense.
Love to you
your CaringSister54
But would Sister 2 then ask for reimbursement for the toy?
As far as Sister 4 goes, and 3 seems to be taking her side, the screw them all. Keep doing what you're doing with your head held high. At least money was never important to me because I never had any and still don't. I'm holding on by my fingernails doing whatever I can to get by the next month and pray my kids get out of college soon!, so they can take some of their own bills off me. I'm helping them with cell and car insurance only because they pay their tuitions themselves and have had no student loans. My son's been in college 7 years after changing his major to education and my daughter is in college 3 years but still has 2 more to go which could take her 5to get done. I don't care as long as they have college educations.
But I am so ready to be able to have some extra at months' end. I've struggled all my life and I'm so tired of having to think and weigh every expense.
Love to you
your CaringSister54
Drews Gram
02-13-2009, 11:18 AM
Good Morning deb,
My God I don't know how your Mom keeps up this pace of turmoil. I get tired just reading about what she goes through every day. You all have to be exhausted just trying to keep up with her. Its amazing how determined she is to go home. She is one strong willed lady. Bless her heart. Don't you wish there was a pill to just make her forget the past life she had and just live in the here and now? I wish for all kinds of things that are impossible.
I'm so sorry deb. She is trying so hard to keep things together and like Mom its all falling apart. Heartbreaking.............
Love and Hugs,
Chris
My God I don't know how your Mom keeps up this pace of turmoil. I get tired just reading about what she goes through every day. You all have to be exhausted just trying to keep up with her. Its amazing how determined she is to go home. She is one strong willed lady. Bless her heart. Don't you wish there was a pill to just make her forget the past life she had and just live in the here and now? I wish for all kinds of things that are impossible.
I'm so sorry deb. She is trying so hard to keep things together and like Mom its all falling apart. Heartbreaking.............
Love and Hugs,
Chris
DGabriel10
02-13-2009, 01:22 PM
You are so right Chris.... My mom has the determination of an angry bull. It has been 17 months now and it has not deminished her desire to go home. Some days it is stronger than others but it is there every day. Any little angst triggers an outbreak of "I am going home!"
Diane, I have forgiven my sister so much but cutting off information, especially at this time, is unforgiveable. When Sister 2 and I are both trying to make the situation better they are doing the one thing they know is hurtful. I guess they want to win the "I can be the ugliest" prize.... and they definitely have it hands down.
I did call Mom today. As I expected she didn't mention the van, the conversation with sister 2, or anything about her angst last night. She even told me she slept well. She did ask me when Sister 2 would be there but that was all. I have noticed lately that she's not as communicative as she was just a few weeks ago. It is as if half of what you say doesn't even register. Dad had just gotten up and was dressing. It was after 10 AM to I assume they are not taking him downstairs today either. She was upset that she got a card, just a card, from a grand daughter that lives in the town she is in. This grand daughter never comes to visit because she "can't handle it because it is depressing". Mom's comment to me was..... I don't want to be here either. But she was pleased that my daughter will be there Saturday morning to see her. Maybe that will hold her until tomorrow.
Oh well..... I am dealing what what is as well as I can....
Love, deb
Diane, I have forgiven my sister so much but cutting off information, especially at this time, is unforgiveable. When Sister 2 and I are both trying to make the situation better they are doing the one thing they know is hurtful. I guess they want to win the "I can be the ugliest" prize.... and they definitely have it hands down.
I did call Mom today. As I expected she didn't mention the van, the conversation with sister 2, or anything about her angst last night. She even told me she slept well. She did ask me when Sister 2 would be there but that was all. I have noticed lately that she's not as communicative as she was just a few weeks ago. It is as if half of what you say doesn't even register. Dad had just gotten up and was dressing. It was after 10 AM to I assume they are not taking him downstairs today either. She was upset that she got a card, just a card, from a grand daughter that lives in the town she is in. This grand daughter never comes to visit because she "can't handle it because it is depressing". Mom's comment to me was..... I don't want to be here either. But she was pleased that my daughter will be there Saturday morning to see her. Maybe that will hold her until tomorrow.
Oh well..... I am dealing what what is as well as I can....
Love, deb
ibake&pray
02-13-2009, 02:52 PM
Deb,
You know there is no excuse for rudness. I don't care how special you think you are..and obviously #4 does think that the world should revolve around her and her needs, wants, desires, and thought. Not only is she being rude, but it is downright cruel. I don't know who appointed her the chief of information, but she has no right with hold information about your parents from any of you or your sisters..no matter what she thinks of you-or them.
If I were you I would call/email her and tell her that she can do/think anything she wants of you, but she had d#mn well never withold information about your parents from you. If she thought you were ugly before, she ain't seen nuthin yet. I would threaten to wipe the floor with her mealy little mouth until it was full of the bitter half truths that she has been spewing about you and sister 2. Tell her to share about Mom and Dad's health concerns and lving arrangements and to keep her personal opinions to her miserable self. When they have passed she can wipe you outta her memory banks, but until that time she needs to grow up and behave like an adult who is responsible and mature.
sorry...climbing down off of my soap box.....I appologise Deb. She makes me so angry for you..I just want to wash her mouth out with soap...
You know there is no excuse for rudness. I don't care how special you think you are..and obviously #4 does think that the world should revolve around her and her needs, wants, desires, and thought. Not only is she being rude, but it is downright cruel. I don't know who appointed her the chief of information, but she has no right with hold information about your parents from any of you or your sisters..no matter what she thinks of you-or them.
If I were you I would call/email her and tell her that she can do/think anything she wants of you, but she had d#mn well never withold information about your parents from you. If she thought you were ugly before, she ain't seen nuthin yet. I would threaten to wipe the floor with her mealy little mouth until it was full of the bitter half truths that she has been spewing about you and sister 2. Tell her to share about Mom and Dad's health concerns and lving arrangements and to keep her personal opinions to her miserable self. When they have passed she can wipe you outta her memory banks, but until that time she needs to grow up and behave like an adult who is responsible and mature.
sorry...climbing down off of my soap box.....I appologise Deb. She makes me so angry for you..I just want to wash her mouth out with soap...
Martha H
02-13-2009, 04:03 PM
A veteran of the 'sister who doesn't understand' problem, I think it will work out differently. After your parents have gone to a better world, the rifts in your relationship can be repaired.
Remember this - dementia is so awful, so overwhelming, that it hurts not only the victims but their whole families. Your sister is broken. She doesn't know how to cope. She is overwhelmed. You are a handy target to blame things on. She allows herself to get mad at you but not at the parents.
Later all will be well. Just be patient. God bless you.
Love,
Martha
Remember this - dementia is so awful, so overwhelming, that it hurts not only the victims but their whole families. Your sister is broken. She doesn't know how to cope. She is overwhelmed. You are a handy target to blame things on. She allows herself to get mad at you but not at the parents.
Later all will be well. Just be patient. God bless you.
Love,
Martha
ibake&pray
02-13-2009, 04:36 PM
AH HA!!!!
I have had an epihphany. I have finally figured it out. I know why #4 is so terribly nasty and unkind. Aren't you pelased with my terperate choice of words?
She is so extremely jealous of you that she can't cope except to snip and to withhold information..because that is something that she can do! She is jealous because she sees that you can work with the staff and that they respond to you and to your suggestions. She sees that you are the one that can calm Mother down with a phone call. She sees that Daddy lights up when you are on the phone or walk into the room. She sees that you are right at diagnosing the UTIs and such. And you know what? She just can't stand it! It sticks in her craw and it is a bitter pill for her to swallow.
Instead of accepting it as a blessing that one of you can get through to your parents, she takes it as a personal insult. She sees it as you lording it over her that you are better with them than she is. Here she is sitting by the phone waiting for the call....and you just drive on over---3 hours and take over! How dare you when she is still sitting waiting for the call so she could take charge...She should be the one that your mother wants to talk to on the phone. She wants to be the one that Daddy smiles at..and this is like an acid that is eating away at her and she doesn't know what to do except be bitter and mean...shame on her....
am I wrong?
I have had an epihphany. I have finally figured it out. I know why #4 is so terribly nasty and unkind. Aren't you pelased with my terperate choice of words?
She is so extremely jealous of you that she can't cope except to snip and to withhold information..because that is something that she can do! She is jealous because she sees that you can work with the staff and that they respond to you and to your suggestions. She sees that you are the one that can calm Mother down with a phone call. She sees that Daddy lights up when you are on the phone or walk into the room. She sees that you are right at diagnosing the UTIs and such. And you know what? She just can't stand it! It sticks in her craw and it is a bitter pill for her to swallow.
Instead of accepting it as a blessing that one of you can get through to your parents, she takes it as a personal insult. She sees it as you lording it over her that you are better with them than she is. Here she is sitting by the phone waiting for the call....and you just drive on over---3 hours and take over! How dare you when she is still sitting waiting for the call so she could take charge...She should be the one that your mother wants to talk to on the phone. She wants to be the one that Daddy smiles at..and this is like an acid that is eating away at her and she doesn't know what to do except be bitter and mean...shame on her....
am I wrong?
DGabriel10
02-13-2009, 10:55 PM
oh my oh my... IBake and Martha, you are wise women. You are both right on all three counts.
I really don't know whether to be furious or just let the smile come. Yes IBake, what sister 4 has done in the last week is totally unexcusable and I really wanted to bash her head into a wall. I have sent e-mail twice this week giving information that I had gotten from phone calls to all my sisters. Sister 2 had written that she would be at mom and dad's tonight and would like information on the current situation so she didn't "mess anything up that had been done". Neither of us got any response and no information about our parents. Rather than blowing up like I wanted to do I sat patiently making phone calls to Mom and waiting for sister 2 to get there tonight.
Sister 2 called me stunned. Evidently the facility personnel took Dad to the Reminiscent Center for a total of ONE hour on Wednesday. While they were trying to get him settled into the room Mom went on a rampage screaming hysterically in the common areas that they had taken her husband away and wouldn't let her see him. Sister 4 was not there, she let the sitter handle it. They finally brought him out and it was Mom that tried to leave the builiding. She was taking Dad home. It was only after she melted down when they told her she could not leave that Dad got upset. So they took them both to their room and tried to "explain" to mom. !!!eyeroll!!! Mom had no memory of the meeting the previous day and they were going to explain it to her again. Well, it didn't work. So there was yet another meeting Wednesday afternoon in which they scrapped the plans to move Dad, but because Dad was a flight risk and therefore a liability....... Mom and Dad have to move to another facility!! I bet that burns sister 4's butt because one of the things I said to sister 4 on Monday night was...... "If taking care of Mom and Dad causes you this much angst then perhaps I should just move them closer to me!"
You gals have listened to me complain about wellness, the doctor, and my sister. None of them have been proactive. This has turned into a disaster. Now Mom and Dad have to be move. That is what Sister 4 didn't want to tell me. She had it under control in the perfect facility with the perfect doctor and it has blown up in her face. So Sister 2 and I are going to look for placement for them between us. I have a call in now to the facility I used to work for to see if they have a suitable placement. I just need to decide if I am placing them together in a locked unit or placing them separately.
Martha you are absolutely right that sister 4 is in over her head and overwhelmed. I ask her before we moved Mom and Dad there if she had a clue what she was in for. She assured me she did.... but she didn't. I knew that then and it has been affirmed. Yes, she does get angry at me rather than at the situation or my parents. I have no doubt that at some point she will be back on my phone crying that she needs her big sister. Yet right now she can't go there because of just what IBake said. I have known for a long time that she is jealous of sister 2 because sister 2 has the family (lots of kids and grandkids) that sister 4 wanted. They are both teachers and sister 2's career has outshown sister 4's by a mile. Sister 2 is what sister 4 wanted to be. Therefore sister 4 has nothing to do with sister 2. For years I was intemidated and felt inferior to sister 4's IQ. Then one day I figued out that I had so much more going for me that I stopped that nonesense. I do have a special relationship, especially with my Dad. I can deal with my Mom even on her worst days. I am proactive and solve problems before they become problems instead of waiting and trying to put out the hot spots after the world catches on fire. And worst/best of all, I can now stand up to sister 4 and tell her what I think, then go right back to doing what I know is right, even if I have to deal with sister 4. That infuriates her.
I hate that Mom and Dad have to move but it might just be a blessing in disguise, especially if I can get them here. Sister 2 and I can work together and handle the situation with a lot less drama. This is going to mean that both Mom and Dad will end up in a locked unit somewhere but again that may be for the best. Mom had no memory of Tuesday's meeting and according to sister 2 she doesn't even remember them moving dad. Mom, Dad, and Sister 2 are sitting in their room having a pleasant visit as I type. We are e-mailing via her blackberry.
I am furious at sister 4 but I also feel very sorry for her. I also have a sense of relief that there is a possility that Mom and Dad will end up here! I also know that once they are here, I will have total control of the check book and her name will be taken off the checking account. I don't feel that sorry for her!! So we will see what happens... Tomorrow I will be making calls to facilities!
Love, deb
I really don't know whether to be furious or just let the smile come. Yes IBake, what sister 4 has done in the last week is totally unexcusable and I really wanted to bash her head into a wall. I have sent e-mail twice this week giving information that I had gotten from phone calls to all my sisters. Sister 2 had written that she would be at mom and dad's tonight and would like information on the current situation so she didn't "mess anything up that had been done". Neither of us got any response and no information about our parents. Rather than blowing up like I wanted to do I sat patiently making phone calls to Mom and waiting for sister 2 to get there tonight.
Sister 2 called me stunned. Evidently the facility personnel took Dad to the Reminiscent Center for a total of ONE hour on Wednesday. While they were trying to get him settled into the room Mom went on a rampage screaming hysterically in the common areas that they had taken her husband away and wouldn't let her see him. Sister 4 was not there, she let the sitter handle it. They finally brought him out and it was Mom that tried to leave the builiding. She was taking Dad home. It was only after she melted down when they told her she could not leave that Dad got upset. So they took them both to their room and tried to "explain" to mom. !!!eyeroll!!! Mom had no memory of the meeting the previous day and they were going to explain it to her again. Well, it didn't work. So there was yet another meeting Wednesday afternoon in which they scrapped the plans to move Dad, but because Dad was a flight risk and therefore a liability....... Mom and Dad have to move to another facility!! I bet that burns sister 4's butt because one of the things I said to sister 4 on Monday night was...... "If taking care of Mom and Dad causes you this much angst then perhaps I should just move them closer to me!"
You gals have listened to me complain about wellness, the doctor, and my sister. None of them have been proactive. This has turned into a disaster. Now Mom and Dad have to be move. That is what Sister 4 didn't want to tell me. She had it under control in the perfect facility with the perfect doctor and it has blown up in her face. So Sister 2 and I are going to look for placement for them between us. I have a call in now to the facility I used to work for to see if they have a suitable placement. I just need to decide if I am placing them together in a locked unit or placing them separately.
Martha you are absolutely right that sister 4 is in over her head and overwhelmed. I ask her before we moved Mom and Dad there if she had a clue what she was in for. She assured me she did.... but she didn't. I knew that then and it has been affirmed. Yes, she does get angry at me rather than at the situation or my parents. I have no doubt that at some point she will be back on my phone crying that she needs her big sister. Yet right now she can't go there because of just what IBake said. I have known for a long time that she is jealous of sister 2 because sister 2 has the family (lots of kids and grandkids) that sister 4 wanted. They are both teachers and sister 2's career has outshown sister 4's by a mile. Sister 2 is what sister 4 wanted to be. Therefore sister 4 has nothing to do with sister 2. For years I was intemidated and felt inferior to sister 4's IQ. Then one day I figued out that I had so much more going for me that I stopped that nonesense. I do have a special relationship, especially with my Dad. I can deal with my Mom even on her worst days. I am proactive and solve problems before they become problems instead of waiting and trying to put out the hot spots after the world catches on fire. And worst/best of all, I can now stand up to sister 4 and tell her what I think, then go right back to doing what I know is right, even if I have to deal with sister 4. That infuriates her.
I hate that Mom and Dad have to move but it might just be a blessing in disguise, especially if I can get them here. Sister 2 and I can work together and handle the situation with a lot less drama. This is going to mean that both Mom and Dad will end up in a locked unit somewhere but again that may be for the best. Mom had no memory of Tuesday's meeting and according to sister 2 she doesn't even remember them moving dad. Mom, Dad, and Sister 2 are sitting in their room having a pleasant visit as I type. We are e-mailing via her blackberry.
I am furious at sister 4 but I also feel very sorry for her. I also have a sense of relief that there is a possility that Mom and Dad will end up here! I also know that once they are here, I will have total control of the check book and her name will be taken off the checking account. I don't feel that sorry for her!! So we will see what happens... Tomorrow I will be making calls to facilities!
Love, deb
caringsister54
02-13-2009, 11:16 PM
Oh Deb. Stick to your guns. You are the smart one Obe One Knobi
Bless you for having your Mom and Dad moved closer to you! -- This is God's plan and you have to go with the flow. You must have prayed for some type of intervention in all this and then this happens.
Well, I hope you find a facility and the transition is okay. I agree with everything that you write now -- it may be better that both be in a locked facility since we all know of your Dad's wonderings and the fact that your mother seems to be fighting her situation with just as much anger.
God Bless you Deb. My prayers are coming your way. Tell Sister 2 to start writing on here. We'd love to have her in the group. She sounds like she's very supportive to you and we love her for that.
Boo hoo to Sister 4 and where the hell is Sister 3 in all this?
Love always
YOUR caringsister54
Bless you for having your Mom and Dad moved closer to you! -- This is God's plan and you have to go with the flow. You must have prayed for some type of intervention in all this and then this happens.
Well, I hope you find a facility and the transition is okay. I agree with everything that you write now -- it may be better that both be in a locked facility since we all know of your Dad's wonderings and the fact that your mother seems to be fighting her situation with just as much anger.
God Bless you Deb. My prayers are coming your way. Tell Sister 2 to start writing on here. We'd love to have her in the group. She sounds like she's very supportive to you and we love her for that.
Boo hoo to Sister 4 and where the hell is Sister 3 in all this?
Love always
YOUR caringsister54
DGabriel10
02-13-2009, 11:48 PM
lol.. Sister 3 is where she always was as a child.... hidding under the kitchen table. We had a round table and there were supports between the four legs that crossed under the middle of the table. That is where she would always sit even when she was so tall she had to lean over. She's still there. She hates conflict and I really don't blame her. She lives in the same city with sister 4.
As for sister 2, she is my best friend as well as my sister. When she was going through her divorce and being dumb I raked her over the coals a few times but I stood beside her and love her new hubby. When my daughter was going through her depression, she returned the favor. Somewhere along the way we formed a special bond. We are brutally honest with each other yet know that everything that is said, is said with love. We also know that sometimes the view from outside is clearer than the view from inside so we depend on each other for that clear view. Our relationship is as it should be.
I have already found out that there are two facilities here that are sister facilities to the one they are in which might make the transfer easier but I want to check out where I used to work first since they have a new locked unit now. It is 5 minutes from my house if I get stopped by both stop lights :)
I truly do hope this move works out. I will see what sister 2 finds out tonight, she is staying with sister 3, and go from there....
Love, deb
As for sister 2, she is my best friend as well as my sister. When she was going through her divorce and being dumb I raked her over the coals a few times but I stood beside her and love her new hubby. When my daughter was going through her depression, she returned the favor. Somewhere along the way we formed a special bond. We are brutally honest with each other yet know that everything that is said, is said with love. We also know that sometimes the view from outside is clearer than the view from inside so we depend on each other for that clear view. Our relationship is as it should be.
I have already found out that there are two facilities here that are sister facilities to the one they are in which might make the transfer easier but I want to check out where I used to work first since they have a new locked unit now. It is 5 minutes from my house if I get stopped by both stop lights :)
I truly do hope this move works out. I will see what sister 2 finds out tonight, she is staying with sister 3, and go from there....
Love, deb
meg1230
02-14-2009, 12:03 AM
Well, I have been away from my computer for more than a day and oh my goodness it just keeps on keeping on doesn't it.
I must say that I was appalled at the cruelty of #4 in keeping you unaware of the happenings.. When I can't get a hold of my mom on the first call I start worrying so it must have been brutally hard for you to be in the dark. To think of their pain and not be able to help..OMG how awful.
One thing I think we on this board have in common is that we are problem solvers...give us a problem and we'll find you a solution..not an easy one but a workable one. That's why I think finding your parents a new home is the best thing that could have happened. It has been one disaster after another it seems...(I swear I still can't get over # 4 taking them to Target). God bless her but she is dumber than dirt at times. I know she is in pain but she seems to be unable to figure this thing out..again that's why it is best for you to take over care of your parents. You have a fundamental understanding of what is at stake here and the fortitude to deal with it. Not easy but doable.
And your poor mom..she wants to go home by god and with her husband!! What's wrong with that? Except the fact that their minds left before their bodies. Cruel and unusual punishment if you ask me.
My mom has adjusted and is happy (for the moment) but even today after a year of living where she is, opened the door when I got there and said to me.."I wish I had my house..why did I leave my house?" All I can do is do my best to "drive the bus" as we say..in other words, change the subject. I got her working on her puzzle and for the moment she forgot....I wish I could get her to forget her constant searching for things. Right now my two oldest sons somewhat appease her when she begins obsessing about something "missing". They tell her that they packed it up real nice for her and put it in storage for her so that it is safe. It's a game we play with her mind. If it works we try it a second time another day.
So good luck to you, Deb, in finding that new home for them. They may not get better but maybe the situation will and heaven knows you all need that!
Love, Meg
I must say that I was appalled at the cruelty of #4 in keeping you unaware of the happenings.. When I can't get a hold of my mom on the first call I start worrying so it must have been brutally hard for you to be in the dark. To think of their pain and not be able to help..OMG how awful.
One thing I think we on this board have in common is that we are problem solvers...give us a problem and we'll find you a solution..not an easy one but a workable one. That's why I think finding your parents a new home is the best thing that could have happened. It has been one disaster after another it seems...(I swear I still can't get over # 4 taking them to Target). God bless her but she is dumber than dirt at times. I know she is in pain but she seems to be unable to figure this thing out..again that's why it is best for you to take over care of your parents. You have a fundamental understanding of what is at stake here and the fortitude to deal with it. Not easy but doable.
And your poor mom..she wants to go home by god and with her husband!! What's wrong with that? Except the fact that their minds left before their bodies. Cruel and unusual punishment if you ask me.
My mom has adjusted and is happy (for the moment) but even today after a year of living where she is, opened the door when I got there and said to me.."I wish I had my house..why did I leave my house?" All I can do is do my best to "drive the bus" as we say..in other words, change the subject. I got her working on her puzzle and for the moment she forgot....I wish I could get her to forget her constant searching for things. Right now my two oldest sons somewhat appease her when she begins obsessing about something "missing". They tell her that they packed it up real nice for her and put it in storage for her so that it is safe. It's a game we play with her mind. If it works we try it a second time another day.
So good luck to you, Deb, in finding that new home for them. They may not get better but maybe the situation will and heaven knows you all need that!
Love, Meg
DGabriel10
02-14-2009, 12:29 AM
Thank you meg... I just want the merry go round to slow down. It doesn't have to stop just give me a little breather.
I did have to laugh at sister 2. She, Mom, and Dad were having a pleasant conversation when Mom just inserted "When spring comes I am taking your dad and going home!" Sister 2 acted as if she didn't hear her, the moment passed, and they went on discussing what they were talking about before.
I also found out the reason for Mom's comment about "too many rules" this morning. Evidently she marched herself downstairs and right out the front door headed to the street to "test the waters". They do have a rule, if they are cognitively aware enough to sign themselves out correctly they can leave, otherwise they are ushered back into the building. Well, Mom didn't sign out. Before she could get the short distance down the drive she was turned around and taken back inside. Now she classifies herself as a prisoner!! If she thinks she is now... wait until she discovers the locked unit :) I do believe we are there with BOTH of them.
You are right Meg, it is cruel and unusual punishment for living a long good life for it to end this way. Dad, my happy soul, would be happy if Mom was happy, but Mom, my miserable mom, can not be happy, which upsets Dad. Talk about a merry go round... up and down and round and round!! Throw in that sister and ACK!!!! Call me the crazy one but I hope they move here.
Love, deb
I did have to laugh at sister 2. She, Mom, and Dad were having a pleasant conversation when Mom just inserted "When spring comes I am taking your dad and going home!" Sister 2 acted as if she didn't hear her, the moment passed, and they went on discussing what they were talking about before.
I also found out the reason for Mom's comment about "too many rules" this morning. Evidently she marched herself downstairs and right out the front door headed to the street to "test the waters". They do have a rule, if they are cognitively aware enough to sign themselves out correctly they can leave, otherwise they are ushered back into the building. Well, Mom didn't sign out. Before she could get the short distance down the drive she was turned around and taken back inside. Now she classifies herself as a prisoner!! If she thinks she is now... wait until she discovers the locked unit :) I do believe we are there with BOTH of them.
You are right Meg, it is cruel and unusual punishment for living a long good life for it to end this way. Dad, my happy soul, would be happy if Mom was happy, but Mom, my miserable mom, can not be happy, which upsets Dad. Talk about a merry go round... up and down and round and round!! Throw in that sister and ACK!!!! Call me the crazy one but I hope they move here.
Love, deb
meg1230
02-14-2009, 12:44 AM
I have to tell you a funny story about my mom...she is able to go out and walk the grounds..she is still able to do that...it is a campus setting and she knows the walk well but one day, my mother who lives to shop, remembered a 7/11 store about a block away from the facility, off campus..well, she just marched her little purse toting self off the campus and and on to the outer road and headed to the store to get a little bottle of wine..HAH!
Well, her nurse's aide who delivers her pills to her daily drove by at just the right time and got out of her car and orderd her back to the safety of the grounds...NOW! and told her not ever to do it again..her words she told me later that she said to mom was , " I'M NOT HAVIN' IT. YOU JUST GET YOURSELF BACK TO WHERE YOU BELONG." Uh, it worked. Mom has not stepped out of bounds since. A runaway off to get wine. Lordie.
Love, Meg
Love, Meg
Well, her nurse's aide who delivers her pills to her daily drove by at just the right time and got out of her car and orderd her back to the safety of the grounds...NOW! and told her not ever to do it again..her words she told me later that she said to mom was , " I'M NOT HAVIN' IT. YOU JUST GET YOURSELF BACK TO WHERE YOU BELONG." Uh, it worked. Mom has not stepped out of bounds since. A runaway off to get wine. Lordie.
Love, Meg
Love, Meg
Drews Gram
02-14-2009, 02:10 AM
Dear deb,
My goodness things do happen fast don't they? I think your parents and you will be so much better off with this move. Its not going to be easy you know that, but better in the end.
How soon do they have to leave? I think your right about a locked unit. I don't think your Mom will ever give up on trying to get home with Dad. I'm so sorry that things did not work out there. Bless you for moving them closer to you. Its just been one drama after another. You must be exhausted.
I'll be thinking of you and your parents deb. I wish you luck in your search. I'm hoping things will start looking up for you soon.
Love Chris
My goodness things do happen fast don't they? I think your parents and you will be so much better off with this move. Its not going to be easy you know that, but better in the end.
How soon do they have to leave? I think your right about a locked unit. I don't think your Mom will ever give up on trying to get home with Dad. I'm so sorry that things did not work out there. Bless you for moving them closer to you. Its just been one drama after another. You must be exhausted.
I'll be thinking of you and your parents deb. I wish you luck in your search. I'm hoping things will start looking up for you soon.
Love Chris
DGabriel10
02-14-2009, 03:00 AM
I had to laugh at your mom going to get the wine Meg. Sometimes the right words do stick :) The day Mom and Dad moved into AL we took them to a deli that is through the business complex next to their facility. It's not a long walk. The next day Mom said she took Dad to get ice cream. I ask her where. She said that place we went to eat. I ask how she paid for it and she explained to me.... "It's free!" Well it is when you buy a meal. She repeated this for days until it rained a few days and she forgot about it. I mentioned it to the deli manager the next time I was there and he laughed saying... somebody from there does that all the time. He said if they walk in and are over 60, he just smiles.
Chris, I know it's going to be difficult on them to move but we have a choice. Another adjustment period and a slide in the dementia are both expected. Might as well make the move the best possible. I do know it's going to be difficult on me as well but I also know that sister 2 will help and all three of her daughters are here as well and they will help. My daughter will also show up. I have to find a place first. I don't know if we have a time limit when they have to move but I am holding next month's payment until I know. I just have to find the right place for TWO difficult patients that demand being together and like to fight!
Love, deb
Chris, I know it's going to be difficult on them to move but we have a choice. Another adjustment period and a slide in the dementia are both expected. Might as well make the move the best possible. I do know it's going to be difficult on me as well but I also know that sister 2 will help and all three of her daughters are here as well and they will help. My daughter will also show up. I have to find a place first. I don't know if we have a time limit when they have to move but I am holding next month's payment until I know. I just have to find the right place for TWO difficult patients that demand being together and like to fight!
Love, deb
ibake&pray
02-14-2009, 11:48 AM
I've got the boxes out and the gloves. I can bake batch of cookies real fast and get in the car and be there before the sun sets. Craig is a whiz at packing elephants into keyholes. And we have both dealt with these folks before. Just tell me where to park ella and we'll be set to go.
I kid you not sista! I am ready to rock and roll. Either use me to help you mom or sic me on #4, which ever you think I could do the most good or damage on...;)
How I would love to help. And you aren't too far down the road dear. Moving your folks to you is the best thing that can happen. And of course it will be the stick up her butt that will irritate her for years, you know that don't you? and it will be the best thing in the world for your parents. it will allow them a smother life without her "sitting by the phone".
Oh, BTW, do be sure to give her the .50 she is owed for the call, won't cha? Hate to have that hanging over your head....
and deb...put both of them in the unit together-for your mother's peace of mind if nothing else-or for the safety of the workers! You know that she would never settle down without your dad by her side so you might as well put the together because your mom is going to slip so badly that she won't be far behind him....
I'm off. but have been so worried about you that I needed to get on to see if you were ok. Dont'care about "her" but your parents have been heavy on my mind.....go find a home dear!
I kid you not sista! I am ready to rock and roll. Either use me to help you mom or sic me on #4, which ever you think I could do the most good or damage on...;)
How I would love to help. And you aren't too far down the road dear. Moving your folks to you is the best thing that can happen. And of course it will be the stick up her butt that will irritate her for years, you know that don't you? and it will be the best thing in the world for your parents. it will allow them a smother life without her "sitting by the phone".
Oh, BTW, do be sure to give her the .50 she is owed for the call, won't cha? Hate to have that hanging over your head....
and deb...put both of them in the unit together-for your mother's peace of mind if nothing else-or for the safety of the workers! You know that she would never settle down without your dad by her side so you might as well put the together because your mom is going to slip so badly that she won't be far behind him....
I'm off. but have been so worried about you that I needed to get on to see if you were ok. Dont'care about "her" but your parents have been heavy on my mind.....go find a home dear!
caringsister54
02-14-2009, 12:53 PM
Ah Meg, your post reminded me of a book I read as a child. My mother's first job was with a book binding company and she gave me a book called Samantha's Secret Room.
In the story there was a family who owned a christmas tree farm. In the main house lived the family with a daughter named Samantha and they had their mother's mother (also Samantha). Well this grandmother lived on the upper floor of the house and it was Samantha's job to carry the tray up to her. When she got up there, her grandmother would rant that she wanted her book. The granddaughter would say what book Grandma, and all she'd hear is "my book!".
Throughout the story, the girl would run from difficulty by going to her secret place which was an old abandoned root cellar away from the house.
End of story, she's in her secret room and went to hang something and when she drove the nail in she broke some of the wall and found a door. this door led to an actual secret room that turned out to be her grandmother's and lo and behold - in there was 'her book'. it was her journal that she would write stories in. it was the greatest gift this little girl could give her grandmother who until then was a burden to her and her family with demands that they all look for this book.
So when your mother asks for something she mis-placed, it could be just that something special she really needs to feel at peace. This illness robs our loved ones of that special gift we all treasure "PEACE".
That's my story today
Love to all
Your CaringSister54
In the story there was a family who owned a christmas tree farm. In the main house lived the family with a daughter named Samantha and they had their mother's mother (also Samantha). Well this grandmother lived on the upper floor of the house and it was Samantha's job to carry the tray up to her. When she got up there, her grandmother would rant that she wanted her book. The granddaughter would say what book Grandma, and all she'd hear is "my book!".
Throughout the story, the girl would run from difficulty by going to her secret place which was an old abandoned root cellar away from the house.
End of story, she's in her secret room and went to hang something and when she drove the nail in she broke some of the wall and found a door. this door led to an actual secret room that turned out to be her grandmother's and lo and behold - in there was 'her book'. it was her journal that she would write stories in. it was the greatest gift this little girl could give her grandmother who until then was a burden to her and her family with demands that they all look for this book.
So when your mother asks for something she mis-placed, it could be just that something special she really needs to feel at peace. This illness robs our loved ones of that special gift we all treasure "PEACE".
That's my story today
Love to all
Your CaringSister54
caringsister54
02-14-2009, 12:56 PM
Oh and Deb.
When you and Sister 2 move your parents and they end up closser to you, we all know you'll be tempted but we also know you well enough to realize that YOU won't keep Sister 4 in the dark.
Its a shame because you are taking the entire burden on yourself with whatever help Sister 2 can give you. But when your parents are gone, if there's still money around, Sister 3 and 4 will be there with their hands held out! That's the only thing that pisses me off about some family situations.
Well, take care.
Love you lots.
Hang onto the towels, you can share them with Sister 2
CaringSister54
When you and Sister 2 move your parents and they end up closser to you, we all know you'll be tempted but we also know you well enough to realize that YOU won't keep Sister 4 in the dark.
Its a shame because you are taking the entire burden on yourself with whatever help Sister 2 can give you. But when your parents are gone, if there's still money around, Sister 3 and 4 will be there with their hands held out! That's the only thing that pisses me off about some family situations.
Well, take care.
Love you lots.
Hang onto the towels, you can share them with Sister 2
CaringSister54
Drews Gram
02-14-2009, 03:25 PM
Well Ladies I'm headed to Moms.
Sister has been "on duty" and she called and ask me to help her. AL called early this morning and Mom was leaving her apt. headed to "who knows where" in her gown. We had the sitter for 3 nights. Thought things were better. Goes to show you what we know....Things aren't good. Mom is now broke out in severe hives. From the antibiotic no doubt. I called the Dr. and he told me how to handle the hives. Now what do we do about the pneumonia? I think we're in trouble here. She can't take Cipro and now amoxicillan. No on sulfa, drugs. Sis ask for help so I'll go. She was in tears so of course I'll go. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed. I've had 3 days rest so I'm better. I've got my smile on. Nerves are calm. Ready for combat.
We need to talk about things. Like what in Gods name are we going to do about Mom???? If I can get Sis to stop her crying and talk to me maybe we can make some plans. Her daughter and 3 of her 6 children now have MONO. It never ends does it? Geez I feel like I'm getting a sore throat and my nose is getting stuffy. Now what??? MONO?? I have spent time with my neice. Nothing would surprise me. LOL Its not funny I know but all I can do is laugh. Did someone put some kind of a curse on my family? If this sister gets MONO I'm in so much trouble. I mean seriously I'm ready to yell "UNCLE". I give up, I'm done , you win. Whoever "YOU" are......:eek:
Got to run.
Love to all,
Chris :) I'm smiling.
I'm sorry deb, I should have started another thread. I was in a hurry. :o
Sister has been "on duty" and she called and ask me to help her. AL called early this morning and Mom was leaving her apt. headed to "who knows where" in her gown. We had the sitter for 3 nights. Thought things were better. Goes to show you what we know....Things aren't good. Mom is now broke out in severe hives. From the antibiotic no doubt. I called the Dr. and he told me how to handle the hives. Now what do we do about the pneumonia? I think we're in trouble here. She can't take Cipro and now amoxicillan. No on sulfa, drugs. Sis ask for help so I'll go. She was in tears so of course I'll go. I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed. I've had 3 days rest so I'm better. I've got my smile on. Nerves are calm. Ready for combat.
We need to talk about things. Like what in Gods name are we going to do about Mom???? If I can get Sis to stop her crying and talk to me maybe we can make some plans. Her daughter and 3 of her 6 children now have MONO. It never ends does it? Geez I feel like I'm getting a sore throat and my nose is getting stuffy. Now what??? MONO?? I have spent time with my neice. Nothing would surprise me. LOL Its not funny I know but all I can do is laugh. Did someone put some kind of a curse on my family? If this sister gets MONO I'm in so much trouble. I mean seriously I'm ready to yell "UNCLE". I give up, I'm done , you win. Whoever "YOU" are......:eek:
Got to run.
Love to all,
Chris :) I'm smiling.
I'm sorry deb, I should have started another thread. I was in a hurry. :o
meg1230
02-14-2009, 09:54 PM
Caring sis...yes, she is looking for peace...she is looking for her old life..she is looking for her dead husband,. the one she thinks someone will either steal and move to a grave she can't find or will not let her be buried next to when she dies. She is searching for what used to be. She is searching for her once upon a time.
Deb, tonight at our Valentine's dinner together my husband and I talked about your parents and what it will be like someday for us if people try to separate us. It made us hold hands just a little bit tighter.
Chris, unbelievable what your family is going through..heck, it's unbelievable what ALL of our families are going through but it is good that you can keep laughing...gotta keep laughing...it might be the one thing to keep us sane.
I took my mom to get her hair cut today...what is it with hairdressers that they don't hear what we say to them..My apologies if any of you are hairdressers....but...I told the lady that mom does not like her ears to show..well, by the time she was through, mom wound up with a pixie haircut...what the ****...so mom sees it and starts to spaz out about it and I cant say I blame her..she may be 85 and a victim of Alz. but she knows how she likes her hair. I feel like the woman jsut saw mom as some old lady who didn't care about her appearance anymore. Poor mom was so upset. She kept saying "why did you cut off my hair??" I instructed the woman about what she should do and then sat right there with a magazine and by the time I looked up it was cut too short on one side and there was no going back.This was the third time this woman had cut mom's hair so she should have known . I really felt bad...mom has no control over any decision in her life and now even her hair is gone. It will grow back, I know, but in the meantime whe will fret over it. My husband saw her and told her how pretty she looked..and I called mom's place to tip them off and found out later that everyone there jsut bragged all over her new hairdo..and the people in the dining room too...bless thier hearts.
Take care all..
Love, Meg
Deb, tonight at our Valentine's dinner together my husband and I talked about your parents and what it will be like someday for us if people try to separate us. It made us hold hands just a little bit tighter.
Chris, unbelievable what your family is going through..heck, it's unbelievable what ALL of our families are going through but it is good that you can keep laughing...gotta keep laughing...it might be the one thing to keep us sane.
I took my mom to get her hair cut today...what is it with hairdressers that they don't hear what we say to them..My apologies if any of you are hairdressers....but...I told the lady that mom does not like her ears to show..well, by the time she was through, mom wound up with a pixie haircut...what the ****...so mom sees it and starts to spaz out about it and I cant say I blame her..she may be 85 and a victim of Alz. but she knows how she likes her hair. I feel like the woman jsut saw mom as some old lady who didn't care about her appearance anymore. Poor mom was so upset. She kept saying "why did you cut off my hair??" I instructed the woman about what she should do and then sat right there with a magazine and by the time I looked up it was cut too short on one side and there was no going back.This was the third time this woman had cut mom's hair so she should have known . I really felt bad...mom has no control over any decision in her life and now even her hair is gone. It will grow back, I know, but in the meantime whe will fret over it. My husband saw her and told her how pretty she looked..and I called mom's place to tip them off and found out later that everyone there jsut bragged all over her new hairdo..and the people in the dining room too...bless thier hearts.
Take care all..
Love, Meg
DGabriel10
02-15-2009, 03:39 AM
Can anybody tell that the moon has been full? Between the turmoil with Mom and Dad, Chris's Mom and general family, Meg's Mom's hair.... WOW. Hang in there Chris. I do hope you nor your sister gets sick. It takes you both. Glad you are reenergized.... go slay the dragons gal. And kudo's for all those that complimended your Mom Meg. Hopefully the hair will grow quickly and the village can keep her happy in the mean time.
IBake, I would love to have your help and I know we are only a stones throw apart. Wish there was a way you could slip down here. There are so many of your I would like to thank in person.
Caring... I would never keep a sister in the dark, especially about something this important. I could never be that cruel, even to my worst enemy.
I did talk to my friend from the facility where I worked. You would not believe their waiting list. They are now a 5 star facility.... which makes me proud!! I worked for the facility the first years it was open and some of my rants stuck!! He is going to check into some other alternatives for me but he gave me some very discouraging information. It appears that a properly run alzheimer's unit bed cost more per day to operate than a skilled nursing bed but the medicade reimbursement is less, at least here in NC. Because of this, many facilities are shutting down their locked units and converting them to assisted living or nursing home beds. In my county four locked units have been shut down and there are only two remaining. His has a waiting list of 7 residents in house and 187 from outside. They are taking no more names even for the waiting list at this point. I have two facilities to contact in a neighboring county Monday. Yet he might be willing to try them in the assisted living unit with medication changes. When I told him that Dad only wandered at night and he didn't even have a sleeping pill prescribed PRN he was as amazed as I was. So we will see. What we need to be doing is petitioning the state for more ALZ units and the adequate money to maintain them. Hope I get some better news on Monday....
But today, I shut my phone off, spent the afternoon helping my best friend decorate for her daughter's reception, enjoyed the food, music, and festivities, and helped her clean up the hall. It was a splendid day and I am exhausted but it was what I needed.
Love, deb
IBake, I would love to have your help and I know we are only a stones throw apart. Wish there was a way you could slip down here. There are so many of your I would like to thank in person.
Caring... I would never keep a sister in the dark, especially about something this important. I could never be that cruel, even to my worst enemy.
I did talk to my friend from the facility where I worked. You would not believe their waiting list. They are now a 5 star facility.... which makes me proud!! I worked for the facility the first years it was open and some of my rants stuck!! He is going to check into some other alternatives for me but he gave me some very discouraging information. It appears that a properly run alzheimer's unit bed cost more per day to operate than a skilled nursing bed but the medicade reimbursement is less, at least here in NC. Because of this, many facilities are shutting down their locked units and converting them to assisted living or nursing home beds. In my county four locked units have been shut down and there are only two remaining. His has a waiting list of 7 residents in house and 187 from outside. They are taking no more names even for the waiting list at this point. I have two facilities to contact in a neighboring county Monday. Yet he might be willing to try them in the assisted living unit with medication changes. When I told him that Dad only wandered at night and he didn't even have a sleeping pill prescribed PRN he was as amazed as I was. So we will see. What we need to be doing is petitioning the state for more ALZ units and the adequate money to maintain them. Hope I get some better news on Monday....
But today, I shut my phone off, spent the afternoon helping my best friend decorate for her daughter's reception, enjoyed the food, music, and festivities, and helped her clean up the hall. It was a splendid day and I am exhausted but it was what I needed.
Love, deb
polina
02-15-2009, 10:25 AM
Deb
This is the biggest problem we face in Health Care is: Medicare Reinbursements.
Medicare just isn't paying like they used to. More and more facilities are suffering or non exist. At the local community hospital I work at we used to have a Transitional Care Unit. Two years ago we had to close that unit due to the lack of medicare reinbursement. It is vey tough out there. The good facilities as you have found out have a waiting list so long.
It was good you took a breather from it all Deb and spent some time doing something fun.
Love Pauline
This is the biggest problem we face in Health Care is: Medicare Reinbursements.
Medicare just isn't paying like they used to. More and more facilities are suffering or non exist. At the local community hospital I work at we used to have a Transitional Care Unit. Two years ago we had to close that unit due to the lack of medicare reinbursement. It is vey tough out there. The good facilities as you have found out have a waiting list so long.
It was good you took a breather from it all Deb and spent some time doing something fun.
Love Pauline
carsam
02-15-2009, 08:08 PM
Dearest Deb,
Just reading through the last posts here, and hoping and praying you will find somewhere soon for your Mom and Dad. I am also glad you took some time today for yourself to take a breather from all of this.
I often read your posts and really admire how much you are involved in your parents care, but know when you need a break. I think that is the only way honestly someone can deal with this awful illness and still make it to the other side without losing themselves. God bless you....and I hope to hear soon that mom and dad are settled together in a new place, close to their wonderful daughter.
Love, Caroline xo
Just reading through the last posts here, and hoping and praying you will find somewhere soon for your Mom and Dad. I am also glad you took some time today for yourself to take a breather from all of this.
I often read your posts and really admire how much you are involved in your parents care, but know when you need a break. I think that is the only way honestly someone can deal with this awful illness and still make it to the other side without losing themselves. God bless you....and I hope to hear soon that mom and dad are settled together in a new place, close to their wonderful daughter.
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
02-16-2009, 02:52 AM
My wonderful niece spent part of her evening researching facilities. Yes, she belongs to sister 2. Most of all she wanted to make sure I was ok, and I assured her I was. The work starts in earnest tomorrow.
I did get an e-mail from sister 4. She wanted to let me know about some medical billings that had not been filed properly with Dad's insurance..... and the fact I made a 2 cent error in a bill I paid and I needed to fix that :dizzy: I literally laughed out loud when I read that. But not one mention of our parents. At least Sister 2 and my daughter were both there this weekend and I have information from them. I have noticed that, since the chaos of last week, Mom is having a very difficult time carrying on a phone conversation. But with that kind of trama I guess a slip is to be expected.
I am just taking it one day at a time....
Love, deb
I did get an e-mail from sister 4. She wanted to let me know about some medical billings that had not been filed properly with Dad's insurance..... and the fact I made a 2 cent error in a bill I paid and I needed to fix that :dizzy: I literally laughed out loud when I read that. But not one mention of our parents. At least Sister 2 and my daughter were both there this weekend and I have information from them. I have noticed that, since the chaos of last week, Mom is having a very difficult time carrying on a phone conversation. But with that kind of trama I guess a slip is to be expected.
I am just taking it one day at a time....
Love, deb
ibake&pray
02-16-2009, 11:17 AM
It amazes me that in the midst of this trauma and the need to find your parents adequete housing that will take them both, #4 snipes about a 2 cent error. Has that women no sense of what is an issue? Please make sure to correct that error and throw the 2 cents up her nose. The time spent culling over the records to find that error could have been spent helping with your parents or looking for a place for the them to move to or helping them to settle down..ARGH!!!! Petty, petty,petty. But it is obvious that she only concerned with what she feels is important. And that is what she can control. She has no control over what is happening to your folks, so in her mind that is no longer an issue...<<<shaking my head in wonder>>> Thank the lord that you and #2 are there to turn this around. I know that you will find somewhere that will take them. Just don't put #4 down as a reference or point of contact and all will be well!
Your Mom may now be at the same level as your father for placement after this last bout of meltdowns..and we have #4 to blame for how that was handled. So she has that to weigh on her shoulders also. Or does she not realize that she causes problems?
Hang in there Deb, we're pulling for you...
Your Mom may now be at the same level as your father for placement after this last bout of meltdowns..and we have #4 to blame for how that was handled. So she has that to weigh on her shoulders also. Or does she not realize that she causes problems?
Hang in there Deb, we're pulling for you...
Martha H
02-16-2009, 11:25 AM
Your sister #4 is going to need therapy for herself. She is so deep into "de Nile" that she is drowning. So she focuses on a minor error too small to be believed, instead of the big picture. It reminds me of seeing the speck of dust in your neighbor's eye and not seeing the plank in your own.
Love,
Martha
Love,
Martha
DGabriel10
02-16-2009, 03:01 PM
IBake... sister 4 thinks she is right about everything and any indication that she's not causes chaos. That indication may be a question about a medication the doctor started, it might be not responding in the way she wants me to even though she refuses to tell me what she wants, it might be doing something for my parents instead of going to her, it might be going to her instead of doing it myself, it could be anything that I do or say. It is ingrained in her head that I am not what I should be and all of her responses, no matter what I do, comes from that perception that she already has.
I agree Martha. She is so wrapped up in this that she can't see outside of her funnel vision. I do worry about her. I did talk to sister 3 this morning and found out what she knows. The facility has not called them back about the one possibility they were looking into so nobody has done anything. I did tell her I was looking for possibilities in Charlotte. At this point Mom and Dad are as quiet as they ever are.... I just hope that is because of the new medication dad is on. But Mom still instigates whenever possible.
I did bring up taking Mom off the Namenda again with Sister 3, the nurse, and her comment to me was that I would not find a doctor that would take her off of it. She told me to talk to the doctor. I told her I had been told that by sister 4 but when I tried sister 4 had gone behind me and told the doctor to talk to her. She backtracked with the "doctor needs one contact number" excuse. And I am supposed to validate sister 4 to make the world run smoothly..... oh well. I'm cool :)
Love, Deb
Love, deb
I agree Martha. She is so wrapped up in this that she can't see outside of her funnel vision. I do worry about her. I did talk to sister 3 this morning and found out what she knows. The facility has not called them back about the one possibility they were looking into so nobody has done anything. I did tell her I was looking for possibilities in Charlotte. At this point Mom and Dad are as quiet as they ever are.... I just hope that is because of the new medication dad is on. But Mom still instigates whenever possible.
I did bring up taking Mom off the Namenda again with Sister 3, the nurse, and her comment to me was that I would not find a doctor that would take her off of it. She told me to talk to the doctor. I told her I had been told that by sister 4 but when I tried sister 4 had gone behind me and told the doctor to talk to her. She backtracked with the "doctor needs one contact number" excuse. And I am supposed to validate sister 4 to make the world run smoothly..... oh well. I'm cool :)
Love, Deb
Love, deb
ibake&pray
02-16-2009, 04:19 PM
Deb, I have two quotes for you.
"There are alot more crazy people out there than our mothers told us there were. We don't need to participate in their craziness. We can recognize craziness for what it is ...and move on." (thinking of #4)
and
"God can do tremendous things thorugh people who don't care who gets the credit."
And that, my dear, is you. And I have, as my mother used to say, the utmost faith in you. Which is a heavy load to bear..but I know that you shall save the day and find a place for Mom and Dad, no matter how bad the rocky path is...
holding that towel awfully tight.......jill
"There are alot more crazy people out there than our mothers told us there were. We don't need to participate in their craziness. We can recognize craziness for what it is ...and move on." (thinking of #4)
and
"God can do tremendous things thorugh people who don't care who gets the credit."
And that, my dear, is you. And I have, as my mother used to say, the utmost faith in you. Which is a heavy load to bear..but I know that you shall save the day and find a place for Mom and Dad, no matter how bad the rocky path is...
holding that towel awfully tight.......jill
DGabriel10
02-16-2009, 06:08 PM
Thank you Jill :) Both will go in my book of qotes. I collect quotes and go back to them when I need a boost.
I did take to a facility today that not only sounds promising but also has double occupancy rooms in the locked unit. They will shuffle what needs to be shuffled to put Mom and Dad together once they get the go ahead. I will get their information in the next couple of days and schedule a visit. Sister 3 did tell me today that there is a slight chance that Mom and Dad might be able to stay where they are or transfer to the sister facility on the other side of town... but she doesn't know because nobody has called them from the facility. So much for proactive. I know it would be best for Mom and Dad not to move them at all but I am still doing the leg work for here.
Mom is in her melt down mode today so I spent much time on the phone with her. She called sister 4, got angry and hung up on her, when I called Mom sister 3 (called in by sister 4) was there but Mom wouldn't talk to her..... but she did get on the phone and talk to me. Same thing, different day. She feels bound to Dad and refuses to even leave his side. Even when she has the opportunity to go out, when one of us is there, she is overwhelmed by the big world out there and either refuses to go or cries once she gets there. Yet, she wants to be what she was. Validating her angst seems to work the best or it may just be the voice because I take on an almost lullaby voice I would use to sooth a baby. Whatever it is, I hope it helped. By the time I hung up she was saying "I will be ok". Just another day.....Tomorrow it will be something different :)
Did I mention that I am also making plans today to have the water pump replaced and open the cabin so the grandkids can use it in early March. Oh, and sister 3 told me I had her permission to start cleaning out the house. :) I will be making that trip soon!
Thank you all for your love, caring, and support. You are the best!!!!
Love, deb
I did take to a facility today that not only sounds promising but also has double occupancy rooms in the locked unit. They will shuffle what needs to be shuffled to put Mom and Dad together once they get the go ahead. I will get their information in the next couple of days and schedule a visit. Sister 3 did tell me today that there is a slight chance that Mom and Dad might be able to stay where they are or transfer to the sister facility on the other side of town... but she doesn't know because nobody has called them from the facility. So much for proactive. I know it would be best for Mom and Dad not to move them at all but I am still doing the leg work for here.
Mom is in her melt down mode today so I spent much time on the phone with her. She called sister 4, got angry and hung up on her, when I called Mom sister 3 (called in by sister 4) was there but Mom wouldn't talk to her..... but she did get on the phone and talk to me. Same thing, different day. She feels bound to Dad and refuses to even leave his side. Even when she has the opportunity to go out, when one of us is there, she is overwhelmed by the big world out there and either refuses to go or cries once she gets there. Yet, she wants to be what she was. Validating her angst seems to work the best or it may just be the voice because I take on an almost lullaby voice I would use to sooth a baby. Whatever it is, I hope it helped. By the time I hung up she was saying "I will be ok". Just another day.....Tomorrow it will be something different :)
Did I mention that I am also making plans today to have the water pump replaced and open the cabin so the grandkids can use it in early March. Oh, and sister 3 told me I had her permission to start cleaning out the house. :) I will be making that trip soon!
Thank you all for your love, caring, and support. You are the best!!!!
Love, deb
caringsister54
02-16-2009, 07:18 PM
Please pass this onto Sister 3
Dear Sister 3,
thank you from all of us on your stepping up to the plate and saying Deb can start cleaning out the house. Whatever Deb does then is okay and you will all deal with it.
You have a wonderful sister here in Deb. You need to understand what is happening and make sure you are a vital player in the care of your parents as Deb and your other sisters are.
While each of you truly care of your parents well being , each of you do so in different ways.
But i wanted to Thank you for giving "permission". Please don't forget that you said it and gave it. You can't retrack it now.
CaringSister54
Dear Sister 3,
thank you from all of us on your stepping up to the plate and saying Deb can start cleaning out the house. Whatever Deb does then is okay and you will all deal with it.
You have a wonderful sister here in Deb. You need to understand what is happening and make sure you are a vital player in the care of your parents as Deb and your other sisters are.
While each of you truly care of your parents well being , each of you do so in different ways.
But i wanted to Thank you for giving "permission". Please don't forget that you said it and gave it. You can't retrack it now.
CaringSister54
Drews Gram
02-16-2009, 09:12 PM
Just checking on you tonight deb. Hoping to read that you have found a solution to your moving problem.
Keep your head up Lady. We're all pulling for you and Mom and Dad.;) As always hoping for the best for all of you.
Love and Hugs,
Chris
Keep your head up Lady. We're all pulling for you and Mom and Dad.;) As always hoping for the best for all of you.
Love and Hugs,
Chris
ibake&pray
02-16-2009, 10:58 PM
Deb,
Although I can understand there is a chance that there that they could stay put or move to a sister unit, I would hesistate to leave them there. I have been thinking about it and it just doesn't sit well with me. I know that they aren't my parents and I have no say in the matter, but when has that stopped me? -yeah, I know.....
Here's why I would suggest getting them out of that complex and that area. We have already seen the coping powers of #3 and #4 and have seen first hand what happens when there is a major crisis and what happens when Mom has one of her more daily melt downs. You can be assured that you and #2. SIDEBAR: I THINK WE HAVE REACHED A POINT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT #2 SHOULD ACTUALLY HAVE A NAME, DON'T YOU? will be left out, once again, of the daily issues that are going on with the parents. You won't be inforned of the crisis de jour unless it has reached epic proportions and #4 can no longer cope so she comes screaming in fear. (please leave your .50 in the cup on the way out by the way). Once you have calmed Mom and Dad down, she will once again give you the cold shoulder and resume her horrid ways. In the mean time the staff has been turned on their ear and doesn't know who to contact or what to do and relationship will deteriorate and it will get to be a viciously spiraling cycle that goes on and on. It's a knee jerk type of management style of leadership that is hard on the employees and especially on your parents. Especially when she goes behind your back with other orders!
Moving Mom and Dad gives them a clean start in a new place with no hold overs and no bad memories. Mom is almost as bad as Dad now so she needs the lockdown almost as much as he does. Moving them closer to you gets them away from #4 so that it will break their grip on their control of all things. You will be better able to deal with the health concerns and emotional concerns and financial concerns(she now owes YOU .50!) It will be a clean sweep for the pair and will once done a fait accompli, and will actually be easier on your parents. I'm sure that the tension bleeds over onto them whether your mother would know it or not....mom senses that there is something not right between the girls. NOthing that she can put to words..and that ability is being lost as the days progress, but it is still a 6th sense that affects her and also affects how she reacts to the staff and to dad.
OK...done once again. going down on knees, crawling down off soap box...can we get a smaller soap box? or can someone find my cane?
and besides that...it would just be easier for you. And it's your turn for once.:p And no, we are NOT paying her for gas to drive over to see how they are doing.
Although I can understand there is a chance that there that they could stay put or move to a sister unit, I would hesistate to leave them there. I have been thinking about it and it just doesn't sit well with me. I know that they aren't my parents and I have no say in the matter, but when has that stopped me? -yeah, I know.....
Here's why I would suggest getting them out of that complex and that area. We have already seen the coping powers of #3 and #4 and have seen first hand what happens when there is a major crisis and what happens when Mom has one of her more daily melt downs. You can be assured that you and #2. SIDEBAR: I THINK WE HAVE REACHED A POINT IN OUR RELATIONSHIP THAT #2 SHOULD ACTUALLY HAVE A NAME, DON'T YOU? will be left out, once again, of the daily issues that are going on with the parents. You won't be inforned of the crisis de jour unless it has reached epic proportions and #4 can no longer cope so she comes screaming in fear. (please leave your .50 in the cup on the way out by the way). Once you have calmed Mom and Dad down, she will once again give you the cold shoulder and resume her horrid ways. In the mean time the staff has been turned on their ear and doesn't know who to contact or what to do and relationship will deteriorate and it will get to be a viciously spiraling cycle that goes on and on. It's a knee jerk type of management style of leadership that is hard on the employees and especially on your parents. Especially when she goes behind your back with other orders!
Moving Mom and Dad gives them a clean start in a new place with no hold overs and no bad memories. Mom is almost as bad as Dad now so she needs the lockdown almost as much as he does. Moving them closer to you gets them away from #4 so that it will break their grip on their control of all things. You will be better able to deal with the health concerns and emotional concerns and financial concerns(she now owes YOU .50!) It will be a clean sweep for the pair and will once done a fait accompli, and will actually be easier on your parents. I'm sure that the tension bleeds over onto them whether your mother would know it or not....mom senses that there is something not right between the girls. NOthing that she can put to words..and that ability is being lost as the days progress, but it is still a 6th sense that affects her and also affects how she reacts to the staff and to dad.
OK...done once again. going down on knees, crawling down off soap box...can we get a smaller soap box? or can someone find my cane?
and besides that...it would just be easier for you. And it's your turn for once.:p And no, we are NOT paying her for gas to drive over to see how they are doing.
meg1230
02-16-2009, 11:15 PM
not much I can add tonight..these girls have all bases covered...
(not paying sis #4 to drive down )
BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Believe me I understand the seriousness of the situation but you guys crack me up.
Love, Meg
(not paying sis #4 to drive down )
BWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Believe me I understand the seriousness of the situation but you guys crack me up.
Love, Meg
DGabriel10
02-17-2009, 03:30 AM
LOL Diane.... There is no retraction of the house deal. She said clean it out and that's what will be done because I have a potential buyer for the house. It will be 6 months to a year out.... but it is a serious potential and I want to be ready when it opens up.
Thank you Chris.... hope your Mom is still on her Valentine Queen high and doing well today :)
You are right IBake/Jill.... For some reason IBake suits you. If they don't have to move at this time I would rather keep them stable and put up with the garbage than to move them. I know the adjustment turmoil we had with the last move and both of them are worse now. If they are moving.... I will do all I can to move them here. I did tell sister 3 that I was looking for a place here and she didn't have any objection. That was all I needed from her.
I'm off to bed...... love each and every one of you :)
Love, deb
PS Meg... the humor I find here sparks those little endorphins which get me through the day. Beyond the caring and support I find here.... it is that humor that I thrive on. Where else can we watch Jill crawl off a box hehe
Thank you Chris.... hope your Mom is still on her Valentine Queen high and doing well today :)
You are right IBake/Jill.... For some reason IBake suits you. If they don't have to move at this time I would rather keep them stable and put up with the garbage than to move them. I know the adjustment turmoil we had with the last move and both of them are worse now. If they are moving.... I will do all I can to move them here. I did tell sister 3 that I was looking for a place here and she didn't have any objection. That was all I needed from her.
I'm off to bed...... love each and every one of you :)
Love, deb
PS Meg... the humor I find here sparks those little endorphins which get me through the day. Beyond the caring and support I find here.... it is that humor that I thrive on. Where else can we watch Jill crawl off a box hehe
caringsister54
02-17-2009, 08:30 AM
OMG Jill!
A picture of you on your knees and hands, crawling off the soap box backwards! is a picture in my mind, I find so refreshing.
Sister wanted pictures to do a photo montage for Mom's wake (aka viewing) and in my quest to get them out of the closet blocked by a dresser I kneeled on the top of the dresser to reach them. I am 54 but I have the worse knees! but I had to stand on dresser because I couldn't reach and besides the knees were killing me!
When I realized this, I first looked around and prayed I'd see a crane to life me!, it took me literally 5 minutes to figure out how to get my legs under me and use what knees to get me into an upright position.
Then once I did what I wanted to do, I had to get back onto my knees to get off the dresser, if I was much younger I may have been tempted to jump off the dresser but didn't try it.
But between me and my knees and your description of coming off the soap box, you gave me a laugh for the day. Today is mom's viewings and tomorrow her burial. Then we're hopefully going to get back to what a normal life should be and hopefully the angels shine on sister and she can get herself a job because what small amount of money is left (I'm not taking what is rightfully mine, she is getting to keep everything) won't last long to cover her everyday living expenses. The only thing that would help is if I moved out but with my salary, I don't have the means to go anywhere else right now.
Love
your caringsister54
A picture of you on your knees and hands, crawling off the soap box backwards! is a picture in my mind, I find so refreshing.
Sister wanted pictures to do a photo montage for Mom's wake (aka viewing) and in my quest to get them out of the closet blocked by a dresser I kneeled on the top of the dresser to reach them. I am 54 but I have the worse knees! but I had to stand on dresser because I couldn't reach and besides the knees were killing me!
When I realized this, I first looked around and prayed I'd see a crane to life me!, it took me literally 5 minutes to figure out how to get my legs under me and use what knees to get me into an upright position.
Then once I did what I wanted to do, I had to get back onto my knees to get off the dresser, if I was much younger I may have been tempted to jump off the dresser but didn't try it.
But between me and my knees and your description of coming off the soap box, you gave me a laugh for the day. Today is mom's viewings and tomorrow her burial. Then we're hopefully going to get back to what a normal life should be and hopefully the angels shine on sister and she can get herself a job because what small amount of money is left (I'm not taking what is rightfully mine, she is getting to keep everything) won't last long to cover her everyday living expenses. The only thing that would help is if I moved out but with my salary, I don't have the means to go anywhere else right now.
Love
your caringsister54
ibake&pray
02-17-2009, 10:02 AM
Deb...
LOL...for the Sidebar I meant that we really should know SISTER #2's name, not mine.:rolleyes:. I already know who I am.....
And I don't go backwards too well. I need those backup horns..beep beep beep..and a mirror that lets me see...beep beep beep...I would have falled on my pratt getting off of the dresser. The last time I got caught on top of it and got chewed out by not only my hubby, but by my son who ratted me out to my hubby. So much for mother/son bond!
Yeah, I didn't go through two back surgeries to have men crabbing at me! Jeesh.
LOL...for the Sidebar I meant that we really should know SISTER #2's name, not mine.:rolleyes:. I already know who I am.....
And I don't go backwards too well. I need those backup horns..beep beep beep..and a mirror that lets me see...beep beep beep...I would have falled on my pratt getting off of the dresser. The last time I got caught on top of it and got chewed out by not only my hubby, but by my son who ratted me out to my hubby. So much for mother/son bond!
Yeah, I didn't go through two back surgeries to have men crabbing at me! Jeesh.
DGabriel10
02-17-2009, 01:30 PM
Gayle is the sister/friend I lean on Jill. I had to laugh because I missed that question totally. I tend to use screen names and sometimes have trouble going to an alternate when I have a name associated with a person... you will always be IBake. Funny story on me. I went to Niagra Falls to met a few friends. We were waiting impatiently for one of the last to join us and without thinking, I walked to the hotel desk and ask, "Has Madam checked in yet?" I wish you had seen the look I got LMAO
Diane, my thoughts go with you today and tomorrow. I hope you find the strength and courage to take you thought the next two days. I hope you are able to celebrate your Mom's life. I hope you and your can smoothy move forward to a new chapter in your life.
Love, deb
Diane, my thoughts go with you today and tomorrow. I hope you find the strength and courage to take you thought the next two days. I hope you are able to celebrate your Mom's life. I hope you and your can smoothy move forward to a new chapter in your life.
Love, deb
ibake&pray
02-17-2009, 04:10 PM
What a hoot! Gayle. That sounds like a nice person. I think we like her already. Tell her the royal "we" approve....;)
And I wasn't "Betty Crocker Futer Homemaker of Tomorrow" for NOthing! you know....I won it hands down in high school my senior year. Just goes to show. So IBake is good. INAP is even better though....
How goes the search for the home? I am muttering little prayers all through the day in hopes of places to stay
they come in all sizes
some are small
some are high rizes
some are low slung
Some don't remember where they begun
but their intent is pure
they search for cures
they dress and wash
the healed and the unwashed
the loved and the forgotten
the ones that drool or go hoppin
they love the happy
and mourn with the sad
they walk with the lame
and cheer with the glad
the angels of these abodes
have tales yet untold
But they just keep on workin
while others keep learnin
So deb keep on searchin
for that home that nuture
another place for the folks
a place where they can joke
and rest in quiet or sing off key notes
search fast for this disease is a beast
it takes no prisoners -it sweeps off of their feet
so hurry dear deb we can't measure time fast
we don't know when the next breath may be the last!
And I wasn't "Betty Crocker Futer Homemaker of Tomorrow" for NOthing! you know....I won it hands down in high school my senior year. Just goes to show. So IBake is good. INAP is even better though....
How goes the search for the home? I am muttering little prayers all through the day in hopes of places to stay
they come in all sizes
some are small
some are high rizes
some are low slung
Some don't remember where they begun
but their intent is pure
they search for cures
they dress and wash
the healed and the unwashed
the loved and the forgotten
the ones that drool or go hoppin
they love the happy
and mourn with the sad
they walk with the lame
and cheer with the glad
the angels of these abodes
have tales yet untold
But they just keep on workin
while others keep learnin
So deb keep on searchin
for that home that nuture
another place for the folks
a place where they can joke
and rest in quiet or sing off key notes
search fast for this disease is a beast
it takes no prisoners -it sweeps off of their feet
so hurry dear deb we can't measure time fast
we don't know when the next breath may be the last!
DGabriel10
02-18-2009, 01:06 AM
The search is in it's beginning stage..... and proceeding :)
You have so many talents and somehow they all keep me in good spirits... Bless you Jill!
Love, deb
You have so many talents and somehow they all keep me in good spirits... Bless you Jill!
Love, deb