carsam
02-11-2009, 06:01 PM
Hello friends..
I feel so nervous with worry right now.........
As you know mom has just arrived to see grandma today. This morning I called and she was exhausted. Told her to rest and I would call later. So I called a while ago and she was sleeping, I was glad to hear it. I just called a few minutes ago, and she is still sleeping. All of a sudden, I hear grandma screaming in the background "Mommy Mommy"......I cannot describe to you how it sounded but it really scared me. It was not my grandma at all! I know mom has told me that she has heard her shouting sometimes when she calls also, but this is the first I've ever heard this firsthand. I've only ever heard her "mumbling" and "crying". It sounded very disturbing. I asked Uncle if this happens alot, and he said yes.
All I can think of right now is my mom, lying in the next room, and waking up after 3 nights of no sleep to this. I just want to go there and pick her up!!!!!!
My mind is racing, with things like "grandma should not be at home like this"....this is wrong! But I"m not there, I dont know what happens 24/7, I just know that her tone of voice was really disturbing and is really upsetting me to think of my mom there dealing with this. Am I selfish? I dont want her to. Apparently this is common for her, and mom has heard it before, but I havent, and it has really thrown me. I feel like it is cruel for her to go on like this, her mind is literally torturing her.
I hate this illness, I really do! I know mom is doing what she needs to, and you will all tell me to let her be, but how can I not worry? I just want her to come home....I want it to be over!!!!! :(
Love, Caroline xo
I feel so nervous with worry right now.........
As you know mom has just arrived to see grandma today. This morning I called and she was exhausted. Told her to rest and I would call later. So I called a while ago and she was sleeping, I was glad to hear it. I just called a few minutes ago, and she is still sleeping. All of a sudden, I hear grandma screaming in the background "Mommy Mommy"......I cannot describe to you how it sounded but it really scared me. It was not my grandma at all! I know mom has told me that she has heard her shouting sometimes when she calls also, but this is the first I've ever heard this firsthand. I've only ever heard her "mumbling" and "crying". It sounded very disturbing. I asked Uncle if this happens alot, and he said yes.
All I can think of right now is my mom, lying in the next room, and waking up after 3 nights of no sleep to this. I just want to go there and pick her up!!!!!!
My mind is racing, with things like "grandma should not be at home like this"....this is wrong! But I"m not there, I dont know what happens 24/7, I just know that her tone of voice was really disturbing and is really upsetting me to think of my mom there dealing with this. Am I selfish? I dont want her to. Apparently this is common for her, and mom has heard it before, but I havent, and it has really thrown me. I feel like it is cruel for her to go on like this, her mind is literally torturing her.
I hate this illness, I really do! I know mom is doing what she needs to, and you will all tell me to let her be, but how can I not worry? I just want her to come home....I want it to be over!!!!! :(
Love, Caroline xo
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ibake&pray
02-11-2009, 06:23 PM
Caroline honey,
You need to stop and think about this. Your grandmother isn't there. She is deep inside the throws of dementia. She is calling for her mother. She is probably about 8 years old. What you heard was the voice of an old lady who is thinking like a child again...and she is crying like a child, but her voice isn't that of a child...It is a horrid thing to hear if you have never heard it before. It is very disconcerting to hear. But she isn't much older in her thoughts than your Nicholas is. She is looking for her mother, and she can't find her..
It is so very sad. I am just so sad that she doesn't have the meds to calm the demons in her mind.
Caroline hon, your Mom is used to this and has heard it before. She will react with comfort for her mother. She will soothe her and try to calm her. Remember, this is HER mother and she wants her to rest and be at peace. There is nothing that she can do to get rid of the demons, but she will at least be able to give Uncle some help and rest. Your Mom has seen this and will not be surprised by the voices that she hears.
HOney, don't be afraid. It is the disease of dementia that is tearing your Grandmother apart. There is nothing that you can do to help your grandmother now except pray for peace and an early release. And telling your mother that you want her to leave will only add a burden to her shoulders that she doesn't need right now. Telling her how horrid it sounds isn't the right thing to do. Instead tell her that you love her and that you hope that she can help her Mom find some sleep and peace.
Hang in there and grab hold of your towel. We'll hold the other end tight...It's a bitch, isn't it?
You need to stop and think about this. Your grandmother isn't there. She is deep inside the throws of dementia. She is calling for her mother. She is probably about 8 years old. What you heard was the voice of an old lady who is thinking like a child again...and she is crying like a child, but her voice isn't that of a child...It is a horrid thing to hear if you have never heard it before. It is very disconcerting to hear. But she isn't much older in her thoughts than your Nicholas is. She is looking for her mother, and she can't find her..
It is so very sad. I am just so sad that she doesn't have the meds to calm the demons in her mind.
Caroline hon, your Mom is used to this and has heard it before. She will react with comfort for her mother. She will soothe her and try to calm her. Remember, this is HER mother and she wants her to rest and be at peace. There is nothing that she can do to get rid of the demons, but she will at least be able to give Uncle some help and rest. Your Mom has seen this and will not be surprised by the voices that she hears.
HOney, don't be afraid. It is the disease of dementia that is tearing your Grandmother apart. There is nothing that you can do to help your grandmother now except pray for peace and an early release. And telling your mother that you want her to leave will only add a burden to her shoulders that she doesn't need right now. Telling her how horrid it sounds isn't the right thing to do. Instead tell her that you love her and that you hope that she can help her Mom find some sleep and peace.
Hang in there and grab hold of your towel. We'll hold the other end tight...It's a bitch, isn't it?
carsam
02-11-2009, 06:33 PM
Dearest Ibake....
Bless you for being here at this very moment to calm me down, and make me understand this. I have been listening about this day in and day out for as long as I can remember, but what I heard today really frightened me, I've not been that "close" to it I guess. What you say makes total sense.....and you are right, I will not put any pressure on my mom by telling her awful it sounded or how it upset me, because she doesnt need that. She doesnt need to worry about "me worrying about her".
Yes, this is "her" mother, just like she is "my" mother......and she isnt doing anything different than I would for her. It's just a big mess!!! I dont want to see anyone going through this pain and suffering anymore, you know?
I hate that the damn doctors over there cant or "wont" do anything for her. If I have to hear again "let nature take it's course", I will scream. What about the torture she's going through? What about the caregivers? I know she's 95 but surely there's something out there for her, other than the one option that they've given him, where he has to admit her to a mental hospital, where they will sedate her and "force nature to take its course"......
I just dont get it.......some days her being at home doesnt seem any less cruel....but it is not for me to judge.
I need to gather myself together here, as I have to attend an information meeting on the new school being built in my neighbourhood that Nicholas will be attending in the fall. Thank you Ibake for reaching out to me tonight....I will be able to try and focus on this meeting because of your wise and so valuable words of advice.
Huge hugs and thanks,
Caroline xo
Bless you for being here at this very moment to calm me down, and make me understand this. I have been listening about this day in and day out for as long as I can remember, but what I heard today really frightened me, I've not been that "close" to it I guess. What you say makes total sense.....and you are right, I will not put any pressure on my mom by telling her awful it sounded or how it upset me, because she doesnt need that. She doesnt need to worry about "me worrying about her".
Yes, this is "her" mother, just like she is "my" mother......and she isnt doing anything different than I would for her. It's just a big mess!!! I dont want to see anyone going through this pain and suffering anymore, you know?
I hate that the damn doctors over there cant or "wont" do anything for her. If I have to hear again "let nature take it's course", I will scream. What about the torture she's going through? What about the caregivers? I know she's 95 but surely there's something out there for her, other than the one option that they've given him, where he has to admit her to a mental hospital, where they will sedate her and "force nature to take its course"......
I just dont get it.......some days her being at home doesnt seem any less cruel....but it is not for me to judge.
I need to gather myself together here, as I have to attend an information meeting on the new school being built in my neighbourhood that Nicholas will be attending in the fall. Thank you Ibake for reaching out to me tonight....I will be able to try and focus on this meeting because of your wise and so valuable words of advice.
Huge hugs and thanks,
Caroline xo
Martha H
02-11-2009, 07:54 PM
Dear Caroline,
remember that worrying doesn't change a thing. Your Uncle has been putting up with this for quite some time, so we know it is a not a sign of dire trouble. I do hope your Mom was tired enough to sleep though the screaming. I am so sorry for all of you, right now especially for your Mom.
I also hope that God will take your Grandma home very soon. Don't they have any kind of sleeping pill to give her in the evening so she can sleep through the night? If not prescribed by a doctor, any over the counter pill, even Tylenol PM -- I would give her 2 or even 3. If everyone had a good night's sleep, things would look better in the morning.
I hope the next time you talk to your Mom things will be looking a little better. Meanwhile, let it go, trust in God and your Mom and your Uncle to do their best.
Good night!
love,
Martha
remember that worrying doesn't change a thing. Your Uncle has been putting up with this for quite some time, so we know it is a not a sign of dire trouble. I do hope your Mom was tired enough to sleep though the screaming. I am so sorry for all of you, right now especially for your Mom.
I also hope that God will take your Grandma home very soon. Don't they have any kind of sleeping pill to give her in the evening so she can sleep through the night? If not prescribed by a doctor, any over the counter pill, even Tylenol PM -- I would give her 2 or even 3. If everyone had a good night's sleep, things would look better in the morning.
I hope the next time you talk to your Mom things will be looking a little better. Meanwhile, let it go, trust in God and your Mom and your Uncle to do their best.
Good night!
love,
Martha
carsam
02-11-2009, 09:08 PM
Martha,
Thanks for your message dear friend, I know you are right in what you say. The only thing they are giving grandma now is actually something like a travel sickness pill, as they cause drowsiness. But honestly she can go 3 or 4 nights with no sleep which wreaks havoc for the caregivers.
Mom called me briefly, and I could still hear grandma in the background, sobbing uncontrollably and calling out for "people". I know my mom so very well, and I could hear the strain in her voice, although she was trying to not talk about it. It takes a certain kind of soul to deal with this, I really believe that. God bless anyone who has the strength to do it is all I can say. It will be a very long week.....
Martha, how long do you think at this stage she can go on? I know your mom was 99 when she passed, am I right? This possibly cant go on for years can it, based on where she is now? I of course do not ever wish it to sound like I want her to "go", I love my grandma dearly. I just dont want to see her suffer much more of this, or those around her. I feel guilty saying that.....there was a time, it would have devastated me to lose her, when she was healthy....but now it would be a blessing for her. It's really sad when it comes to that.....
Love, Caroline xo
Thanks for your message dear friend, I know you are right in what you say. The only thing they are giving grandma now is actually something like a travel sickness pill, as they cause drowsiness. But honestly she can go 3 or 4 nights with no sleep which wreaks havoc for the caregivers.
Mom called me briefly, and I could still hear grandma in the background, sobbing uncontrollably and calling out for "people". I know my mom so very well, and I could hear the strain in her voice, although she was trying to not talk about it. It takes a certain kind of soul to deal with this, I really believe that. God bless anyone who has the strength to do it is all I can say. It will be a very long week.....
Martha, how long do you think at this stage she can go on? I know your mom was 99 when she passed, am I right? This possibly cant go on for years can it, based on where she is now? I of course do not ever wish it to sound like I want her to "go", I love my grandma dearly. I just dont want to see her suffer much more of this, or those around her. I feel guilty saying that.....there was a time, it would have devastated me to lose her, when she was healthy....but now it would be a blessing for her. It's really sad when it comes to that.....
Love, Caroline xo
debbie g
02-11-2009, 10:32 PM
hi carsam, my mother who has dementia and is ina nursing home calls out for her mom and dad all the time. my heart aches everytime and when you posted this my heart broke again if that is all possible. i hate this disease, but i try sometimes to tell my mom she has me, my brother and my father. she listens for a while, but goes right back calling out for her mom. i dont know an answer to this or any answer to this horrible disease. please hang in there, it somehow gets easier to accept in time. i always hope for that. be as positive as you can.
Martha H
02-12-2009, 07:35 AM
Martha,
Thanks for your message dear friend, I know you are right in what you say. The only thing they are giving grandma now is actually something like a travel sickness pill, as they cause drowsiness. But honestly she can go 3 or 4 nights with no sleep which wreaks havoc for the caregivers.
Mom called me briefly, and I could still hear grandma in the background, sobbing uncontrollably and calling out for "people". I know my mom so very well, and I could hear the strain in her voice, although she was trying to not talk about it. It takes a certain kind of soul to deal with this, I really believe that. God bless anyone who has the strength to do it is all I can say. It will be a very long week.....
Martha, how long do you think at this stage she can go on? I know your mom was 99 when she passed, am I right? This possibly cant go on for years can it, based on where she is now? I of course do not ever wish it to sound like I want her to "go", I love my grandma dearly. I just dont want to see her suffer much more of this, or those around her. I feel guilty saying that.....there was a time, it would have devastated me to lose her, when she was healthy....but now it would be a blessing for her. It's really sad when it comes to that.....
Love, Caroline xo
My mother stopped processing food and medications in April of 2007, and yet she lived until the 29 of December. I don't know how she stayed alive all those months. Once in a while she ate a little ice cream. Her weight went from 110 to 75 pounds. Most of that time she was still able to sit in her wheelchair although she dozed off a lot. She was quiet, and never complained. But when we spoke to her she always said, "I want to go home to Mama". That was my grandmother who died in 1956. I always told her, "you are going to be with her very soon, she is waiting for you. It won't be much longer now". I once said, "Dad will be there too." "Who?" "Frank, your husband." She had no memory of him. He had passed away in 1977.
Her only memories were from before she met him.
Hang in there; it really cannot take much longer, and do tell them to look into a better sleeping pill .. One for Grandma, one for Uncle, and one for Mom!
Love,
Martha
Thanks for your message dear friend, I know you are right in what you say. The only thing they are giving grandma now is actually something like a travel sickness pill, as they cause drowsiness. But honestly she can go 3 or 4 nights with no sleep which wreaks havoc for the caregivers.
Mom called me briefly, and I could still hear grandma in the background, sobbing uncontrollably and calling out for "people". I know my mom so very well, and I could hear the strain in her voice, although she was trying to not talk about it. It takes a certain kind of soul to deal with this, I really believe that. God bless anyone who has the strength to do it is all I can say. It will be a very long week.....
Martha, how long do you think at this stage she can go on? I know your mom was 99 when she passed, am I right? This possibly cant go on for years can it, based on where she is now? I of course do not ever wish it to sound like I want her to "go", I love my grandma dearly. I just dont want to see her suffer much more of this, or those around her. I feel guilty saying that.....there was a time, it would have devastated me to lose her, when she was healthy....but now it would be a blessing for her. It's really sad when it comes to that.....
Love, Caroline xo
My mother stopped processing food and medications in April of 2007, and yet she lived until the 29 of December. I don't know how she stayed alive all those months. Once in a while she ate a little ice cream. Her weight went from 110 to 75 pounds. Most of that time she was still able to sit in her wheelchair although she dozed off a lot. She was quiet, and never complained. But when we spoke to her she always said, "I want to go home to Mama". That was my grandmother who died in 1956. I always told her, "you are going to be with her very soon, she is waiting for you. It won't be much longer now". I once said, "Dad will be there too." "Who?" "Frank, your husband." She had no memory of him. He had passed away in 1977.
Her only memories were from before she met him.
Hang in there; it really cannot take much longer, and do tell them to look into a better sleeping pill .. One for Grandma, one for Uncle, and one for Mom!
Love,
Martha
Drews Gram
02-12-2009, 08:12 AM
Dear Caroline,
My Grandma called out for her Mom until she received morphine from Hospice and thats all she could or would say. I'm so sorry. When Gram could no longer swallow, or keep her eyes open, or stand she still called out for her Mom. Its just an awful sound I know. I'm sorry you called at the wroing time didn't you?
Try not to worry. I know how hard that is to do. I'm a worrier and have been all my life. Its not good for you or Ryan. By the way, I love his name. I wanted to tell you that but I had Mom and no time to type......just read. Your Mom will be fine. After all look what is waiting for her at home!!! A new Grandson. How wonderful. She will get through what she has to do and when she comes home she'll have that beautiful baby to cuddle in the spring. Nothing more wonderful than that "new life" to help her smile and bring joy to her life.
Enjoy every minute of being a new Mom......again. Its the best time of your life. Don't you just love that "new baby smell"? Those little sounds that they make are precious. You already know how quickly time passes and their walking then you turn around and its time for enrollment for school!!
Your poor Grandma.....I wish she could have some help with her tortured mind. I pray that she can pass on soon so this can be over for all of them. Your Mom will be fine Caroline. Its where she wants to be now. Your Uncle must be so glad to have her there. I hope its over soon.
Try to rest sweetie and your Mom will be back home soon.
Love and hugs, Chris
My Grandma called out for her Mom until she received morphine from Hospice and thats all she could or would say. I'm so sorry. When Gram could no longer swallow, or keep her eyes open, or stand she still called out for her Mom. Its just an awful sound I know. I'm sorry you called at the wroing time didn't you?
Try not to worry. I know how hard that is to do. I'm a worrier and have been all my life. Its not good for you or Ryan. By the way, I love his name. I wanted to tell you that but I had Mom and no time to type......just read. Your Mom will be fine. After all look what is waiting for her at home!!! A new Grandson. How wonderful. She will get through what she has to do and when she comes home she'll have that beautiful baby to cuddle in the spring. Nothing more wonderful than that "new life" to help her smile and bring joy to her life.
Enjoy every minute of being a new Mom......again. Its the best time of your life. Don't you just love that "new baby smell"? Those little sounds that they make are precious. You already know how quickly time passes and their walking then you turn around and its time for enrollment for school!!
Your poor Grandma.....I wish she could have some help with her tortured mind. I pray that she can pass on soon so this can be over for all of them. Your Mom will be fine Caroline. Its where she wants to be now. Your Uncle must be so glad to have her there. I hope its over soon.
Try to rest sweetie and your Mom will be back home soon.
Love and hugs, Chris
carsam
02-12-2009, 10:30 AM
Thank you Martha, Debbie and Chris for your support.......I so need it these days.....
I didnt sleep well last night....probably a mixture of being far along in my pregnancy and not able to get comfortable, and having too much on my mind. I'm trying so hard to not let this get to me, but it's just all jumbled in my head. At the moment I have 5 weeks left of work, and am struggling to get through the "workday", and accomplish what I need to, when I'm also struggling both physically for obvious reasons, and also emotionally with all this drama, not to mention my hormones!!!
I am holding on to the knowledge that soon everything will fall into place.......my new little boy will be here, hopefully safe and sound, I'll physically feel a little better....and at some point, grandma and all of us will be released from this illness that has taken so much from all of us.
I am just tired today ladies....but oh so grateful for you all being here for me.
Love, Caroline xo
I didnt sleep well last night....probably a mixture of being far along in my pregnancy and not able to get comfortable, and having too much on my mind. I'm trying so hard to not let this get to me, but it's just all jumbled in my head. At the moment I have 5 weeks left of work, and am struggling to get through the "workday", and accomplish what I need to, when I'm also struggling both physically for obvious reasons, and also emotionally with all this drama, not to mention my hormones!!!
I am holding on to the knowledge that soon everything will fall into place.......my new little boy will be here, hopefully safe and sound, I'll physically feel a little better....and at some point, grandma and all of us will be released from this illness that has taken so much from all of us.
I am just tired today ladies....but oh so grateful for you all being here for me.
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
02-12-2009, 02:24 PM
And you have every right to be tired Caroline. You are worried about your mother and your grandmother, you are carring around that beautiful new life, you are taking care of your home, working, and worrying while not being able to get a good nights sleep with your mind reeling and your body not being able to find comfort. Did that about wrap it up?
Know your Mom is doing what she has to do so she will have no regrets when your grandmother is no longer there for her to care for. Each of us has to do what we have to do. That is what your Mom is doing.
Your grandmother's situation is sad, as are those of all of our loved ones. There is just so much we can do to comfort them in their journey. Rather than seeing the horror in her cries, realize that is the only way she can release the pent up emotions that she is feeling. It is a release for her. It is the same with a baby crying when nothing is wrong. Sometimes they just have to let out the pent up frustration. I learned that with my child. She was a "cry" baby. I struggled for 7 months to fix the problems. I changed her, fed her, held her, took her to the doctor, tried little tricks to sooth her. Some days were better than others but she cried for no apparent reason at least a little every day. She stopped crying the day she started walking and became my happy child.
I have listened to my Mom's hysterical tears for years now. They are not constant but they are the way she releases her emotional distress. Apparently the only way she knows. Yes, medication helps some but as she told me recently..... sometimes we all need to cry. I know her disease just makes it more intense. Yes, it is disturbing but I am beginning to see that it is what they need at the moment and we can't always fix what is wrong in their head.
So hang in the Caroline. Get all the rest you can. Know your Mom is doing what is best for her. Know your grandmother is doing the best she can. And know you are doing the best you can also. That is all we can ask of anybody. Maybe you can support that full belly on a stack of towels and it will help :)
Love, deb
Love, deb
Know your Mom is doing what she has to do so she will have no regrets when your grandmother is no longer there for her to care for. Each of us has to do what we have to do. That is what your Mom is doing.
Your grandmother's situation is sad, as are those of all of our loved ones. There is just so much we can do to comfort them in their journey. Rather than seeing the horror in her cries, realize that is the only way she can release the pent up emotions that she is feeling. It is a release for her. It is the same with a baby crying when nothing is wrong. Sometimes they just have to let out the pent up frustration. I learned that with my child. She was a "cry" baby. I struggled for 7 months to fix the problems. I changed her, fed her, held her, took her to the doctor, tried little tricks to sooth her. Some days were better than others but she cried for no apparent reason at least a little every day. She stopped crying the day she started walking and became my happy child.
I have listened to my Mom's hysterical tears for years now. They are not constant but they are the way she releases her emotional distress. Apparently the only way she knows. Yes, medication helps some but as she told me recently..... sometimes we all need to cry. I know her disease just makes it more intense. Yes, it is disturbing but I am beginning to see that it is what they need at the moment and we can't always fix what is wrong in their head.
So hang in the Caroline. Get all the rest you can. Know your Mom is doing what is best for her. Know your grandmother is doing the best she can. And know you are doing the best you can also. That is all we can ask of anybody. Maybe you can support that full belly on a stack of towels and it will help :)
Love, deb
Love, deb
carsam
02-12-2009, 05:54 PM
Thanks Deb for your kind words......
That makes alot of sense comparing grandmas behaviour and crying to that of a baby.....maybe its a way of communication. I often think how it is so sad that there are so many similarities to how we leave this world and how we enter it. As you say, crying is a way to express feelings, both done by babies, and elderly. Also, we're not able to walk as a child, you have to learn, until then you are in a stroller. At the end, we may need to be in a wheelchair. And of course as a baby we need 24/7 care, and in the ends of this illness, we need just the same. Two very different scenarios.....with very different outcomes.
I am again grateful for all the wonderful support and advice I get from friends here. Advice that is so wise and right on target. I spoke to mom this afternoon, and grandma was not "as bad" today....and they were able to get her out for a drive. (not out of the car of course, but at least out of the house). They've given her a new medication to try, I'm not sure what its called, but we'll have to see. Uncle says it's really hard to get her to even take medicine now.
So for today, I can tell Uncle is more peaceful having someone with him, and mom is doing I suppose what she needs to. Every day is so up and down with this dreaded illness.
So then I went to my doctor's appointment, took a deep breath, and listened to my beautiful baby's heartbeat beating strongly, and forgot about everything else for awhile......
Today is another day......
Love, Caroline xo
That makes alot of sense comparing grandmas behaviour and crying to that of a baby.....maybe its a way of communication. I often think how it is so sad that there are so many similarities to how we leave this world and how we enter it. As you say, crying is a way to express feelings, both done by babies, and elderly. Also, we're not able to walk as a child, you have to learn, until then you are in a stroller. At the end, we may need to be in a wheelchair. And of course as a baby we need 24/7 care, and in the ends of this illness, we need just the same. Two very different scenarios.....with very different outcomes.
I am again grateful for all the wonderful support and advice I get from friends here. Advice that is so wise and right on target. I spoke to mom this afternoon, and grandma was not "as bad" today....and they were able to get her out for a drive. (not out of the car of course, but at least out of the house). They've given her a new medication to try, I'm not sure what its called, but we'll have to see. Uncle says it's really hard to get her to even take medicine now.
So for today, I can tell Uncle is more peaceful having someone with him, and mom is doing I suppose what she needs to. Every day is so up and down with this dreaded illness.
So then I went to my doctor's appointment, took a deep breath, and listened to my beautiful baby's heartbeat beating strongly, and forgot about everything else for awhile......
Today is another day......
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
02-13-2009, 12:43 AM
Today is gone and tomorrow is another day.... and we will get through it just like we did this day. Glad it was a better day for your Grandmother, hope your Mom and you got some rest, and how sweet is the sound of a baby's heart beat!!!!
Love, deb
Love, deb
dorri
02-13-2009, 01:59 AM
Your not being selfish, I think you are trying to help the both of them, you are just trying to spare your mom the pain and know that grandma would probably be happier in a Nursing Home setting where she can be tended to around the clock.
caringsister54
02-13-2009, 09:12 AM
tell Uncle if he's trying to get her to take whole pills, forget it! -- go to the store and get a pill crusher and start putting them in applesauce or pudding. BUT don't do what my sister did and that is to get the medicine out in front of Mom and then put a pudding cup in front of her and not know that she knew the medicine was in the cup.
Oh those days of hearing her yell her inaudible sounds. I don't miss this stuff or memories at all! Call me selfish but it was so painful to see and hear.
Take comfort in others, we're all in the same boat paddling as fast as we can
Love
Your caringSister 54
Oh those days of hearing her yell her inaudible sounds. I don't miss this stuff or memories at all! Call me selfish but it was so painful to see and hear.
Take comfort in others, we're all in the same boat paddling as fast as we can
Love
Your caringSister 54
DGabriel10
02-13-2009, 12:11 PM
You do need to check with your pharmasist before you crust a pill. They can tell you if it is ok or alternatives if it is not. Especially with time release medication can not be crushed because then they deliver the wrong levels of medication.
Love, deb
Love, deb
caringsister54
02-13-2009, 01:50 PM
oops sorry guys. Thanks Deb for catching the possible error of my ways.
All mother's pills weren't time released and I forgot they even existed. I'm glad we all help each other.
Gosh I love you guys
Your CaringSister54
All mother's pills weren't time released and I forgot they even existed. I'm glad we all help each other.
Gosh I love you guys
Your CaringSister54
DGabriel10
02-13-2009, 11:01 PM
:) Diane.... it takes a village to care for a dementia patient. There's no way any one of us can do it alone. I knew about the time release because Mom's allergy med is time released. When we put all that we all know in one pot, we are brilliant!! ;)
Love, deb
Love, deb
UPBonnie
02-14-2009, 10:24 PM
It must be hard being so far away. I'll send some prayers your way.
carsam
02-15-2009, 07:20 PM
Thanks dear friends as always for your responses and kindness.....
Well, I just spoke with Mom, amid all the noises coming from Grandma in the background.....very unsettling. All she could say was she is "very bad" today.
Both the psychiatrist and the nurse have been out this past week to visit grandma. The nurse was there when mom arrived.
Apparently the doctor has entered in his file, that grandma has "lewy body dementia".....and both he and the nurse confirmed that she is indeed in "advanced stages" of the illness. I havent heard alot of people here talk about this kind of dementia? Has anyone experienced it?
I guess at this stage, what does it matter anyway? Regardless of what "type" it is, they're all awful at the end of the day.
Mom is due back on Wednesday night, which means she has two full days left. She says for the most part grandma has not really recognized her....but she can tell sometimes she gets comfort from mom just brushing her hair, or holding her hand....sad. I'm sure as much as she dreaded going, now that she's there, it will be hard to leave. Her trips are usually the same. No matter how stressful it is to be there, at least she gets some peace from the stress of being "long distance".
I guess I will continue to pray for peace for my grandma and my family....and will rely on my friends here for someone to listen to me, until it comes to my turn to post that the journey has ended. Boy we really are all in the same boat.
My thoughts have been with Diane on and off all day......knowing that we will all go through what she has, and those who have already lost loved ones, Martha, Ibake, Janie......god bless all who are a part of this board and this family. Thank God we have each other....
Love, Caroline xo
Well, I just spoke with Mom, amid all the noises coming from Grandma in the background.....very unsettling. All she could say was she is "very bad" today.
Both the psychiatrist and the nurse have been out this past week to visit grandma. The nurse was there when mom arrived.
Apparently the doctor has entered in his file, that grandma has "lewy body dementia".....and both he and the nurse confirmed that she is indeed in "advanced stages" of the illness. I havent heard alot of people here talk about this kind of dementia? Has anyone experienced it?
I guess at this stage, what does it matter anyway? Regardless of what "type" it is, they're all awful at the end of the day.
Mom is due back on Wednesday night, which means she has two full days left. She says for the most part grandma has not really recognized her....but she can tell sometimes she gets comfort from mom just brushing her hair, or holding her hand....sad. I'm sure as much as she dreaded going, now that she's there, it will be hard to leave. Her trips are usually the same. No matter how stressful it is to be there, at least she gets some peace from the stress of being "long distance".
I guess I will continue to pray for peace for my grandma and my family....and will rely on my friends here for someone to listen to me, until it comes to my turn to post that the journey has ended. Boy we really are all in the same boat.
My thoughts have been with Diane on and off all day......knowing that we will all go through what she has, and those who have already lost loved ones, Martha, Ibake, Janie......god bless all who are a part of this board and this family. Thank God we have each other....
Love, Caroline xo
caringsister54
02-15-2009, 11:25 PM
Caroline
Thank you for the warm prayers and thoughts coming my way Please put your mind onto pleasant things. You are having someone new coming into your life soon and the stress could not be really good for you or him.
I want you to go soak in a nice tub with soothing music and enjoy the sloshing sound of the water and remember its what Ryan is hearing all day.
Please take heart and most of all, please take care of yourself and the kids.
Kiss hubby from all us women! -- tell him with each kiss one of our names. Let's all have a virtual affair with him!
He's one hellava lucky guy! to have you for his wife and you giving him the gift of another son.
How lucky are you!
Love
CaringSister54
Thank you for the warm prayers and thoughts coming my way Please put your mind onto pleasant things. You are having someone new coming into your life soon and the stress could not be really good for you or him.
I want you to go soak in a nice tub with soothing music and enjoy the sloshing sound of the water and remember its what Ryan is hearing all day.
Please take heart and most of all, please take care of yourself and the kids.
Kiss hubby from all us women! -- tell him with each kiss one of our names. Let's all have a virtual affair with him!
He's one hellava lucky guy! to have you for his wife and you giving him the gift of another son.
How lucky are you!
Love
CaringSister54
DGabriel10
02-16-2009, 03:22 AM
All I know about Lewy Bodies is that it has some of the characteristics of ALZ and some of the characteristics of Parkinson and is accompanied by visual hallucinations which start almost from the beginning. Anything from shapes and colors to people. It effects the part of the brain that involved thinking and movement the most.
I know it is difficult for you Mom to be there but I also understand how difficult it is to be so far away. She has to do what she has to do for her own peace of mind. You need to take care of yourself right now and your Mom will do the same when she returns home on Wednesday. Know they are doing what they can for your grandmother as well. I am sure he is happy for the help this week. Diane is right.... do something special for yourself and let a few moments of pleasure wash over you and your new baby. It will do you both good.
Love, deb
I know it is difficult for you Mom to be there but I also understand how difficult it is to be so far away. She has to do what she has to do for her own peace of mind. You need to take care of yourself right now and your Mom will do the same when she returns home on Wednesday. Know they are doing what they can for your grandmother as well. I am sure he is happy for the help this week. Diane is right.... do something special for yourself and let a few moments of pleasure wash over you and your new baby. It will do you both good.
Love, deb
carsam
02-16-2009, 07:15 PM
Hi ladies,
Thanks for your message.....
Well, it's "Family Day" here in Canada, so my husband, son and I took a nice drive in the country and stopped for lunch....it was a nice enough day.
Got home, and got a call from mom.....grandma has been really bad the last two days with the hallucinations, calling for her "daddy", and saying "everyone is dead"....how awful!! Anyways, apparently the Aunt who has been gracing everyone with her presence again for brief attempts all of a sudden is going to London to see her son. "Supposedly" she is so ill, with the flu that they are going to give her "oxygen" masks on the plane. So if she's that ill, why the heck is she travelling? Then we find out that she "slipped" to Uncle #2 last night, that her son is moving house.....so now we know really why she's going. If she wants to help him move, why lie about it? And of course she uses the excuse that she has the flu because she knows that she cant come near grandma if she has the flu because of her age...it could finish her off.
So now, she is gone....and mom is due to leave on Wednesday........and of course Wednesday is Uncle #1's birthday......so she is at present feeling tons of guilt about leaving him in that situation on his birthday. She told me today she doesnt know how he has kept his sanity dealing with this every night.....its just so wrong what he goes through day after day, and so wrong for my mom to make these journies, and feel this guilt when there are other family members that live within 5 minutes of my grandma. Aside from the other aunts, there are countless adult cousins, just like myself who could easily visit here and there, pick up some groceries, something, anything to help. Such selfishness, god forgive me, but I hope and pray for the "what goes around comes around" saying to come true in their case.
Anyways, that's my rant today.....I'll leave it be now and go back to my routines here.....and yes, I will put it out of my mind, and concentrate on more positive things tonight.......
Bubble bath sounds good, but at 8 months, it's tough to get in and out of the bath these days, so maybe a nice warm shower will have to suffice! :)
Love, Caroline xo
Thanks for your message.....
Well, it's "Family Day" here in Canada, so my husband, son and I took a nice drive in the country and stopped for lunch....it was a nice enough day.
Got home, and got a call from mom.....grandma has been really bad the last two days with the hallucinations, calling for her "daddy", and saying "everyone is dead"....how awful!! Anyways, apparently the Aunt who has been gracing everyone with her presence again for brief attempts all of a sudden is going to London to see her son. "Supposedly" she is so ill, with the flu that they are going to give her "oxygen" masks on the plane. So if she's that ill, why the heck is she travelling? Then we find out that she "slipped" to Uncle #2 last night, that her son is moving house.....so now we know really why she's going. If she wants to help him move, why lie about it? And of course she uses the excuse that she has the flu because she knows that she cant come near grandma if she has the flu because of her age...it could finish her off.
So now, she is gone....and mom is due to leave on Wednesday........and of course Wednesday is Uncle #1's birthday......so she is at present feeling tons of guilt about leaving him in that situation on his birthday. She told me today she doesnt know how he has kept his sanity dealing with this every night.....its just so wrong what he goes through day after day, and so wrong for my mom to make these journies, and feel this guilt when there are other family members that live within 5 minutes of my grandma. Aside from the other aunts, there are countless adult cousins, just like myself who could easily visit here and there, pick up some groceries, something, anything to help. Such selfishness, god forgive me, but I hope and pray for the "what goes around comes around" saying to come true in their case.
Anyways, that's my rant today.....I'll leave it be now and go back to my routines here.....and yes, I will put it out of my mind, and concentrate on more positive things tonight.......
Bubble bath sounds good, but at 8 months, it's tough to get in and out of the bath these days, so maybe a nice warm shower will have to suffice! :)
Love, Caroline xo
dorri
02-16-2009, 07:22 PM
Hugs and thinking of you. I understand how hard this must be on your mother and yourself not to mention your poor grandma. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself for the baby's sake...here comes another hug..(((( hug ))))
carsam
02-16-2009, 07:27 PM
Thank you Dorri......I appreciate your kind words......
There honestly is no place like this board and the people on it for support....I dont know where we'd all be without it.
Love, Caroline xo
There honestly is no place like this board and the people on it for support....I dont know where we'd all be without it.
Love, Caroline xo
ibake&pray
02-16-2009, 11:14 PM
darling caroline,
I know how this stresses you dear. And there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it. but remember that it is true that what goes around comes around..and god does reward those who serve...so be it....
It has been hard on you and your mom this trip... I am so sorry that you heard your grandmother crying. It is a wretched sound to hear. Your poor uncle is tired of it and his mother. It would be a blessing from god for your grandmother to pass, but there must be some reason that god has for her to continue to live..that is the only way we can look at it otherwise you too will go insane wondering why.
Now take a shower and drink a pretend glass of wine with that adorable hubby of yours and dream of your new little one Kyle with perhaps his grandmothers maiden name? for a middle name? Think of how much your mother has been able to help her brother..that alone is a gift and she has been able to not only give but recieve from it. This is something that she has had to do.
So when she comes home, don't question here about why she does it or if she needs to do it. Be thankful that you have a mother who has a heart big enough to go through the agony and pain to do it. Be proud that she will suffer the misery and pain of rejection by her mother to do it. Be proud of her, but don't tell her how upset it makes you when you hear grandmother cry out. She already knows and it is agony enough for her. I know, I too was a daughter. She goes out of love and devotion and for you to natter at her with your worry only pulls at her even more. So give her support and love. You are a wise young woman Caroline, but this is an old disease that older women are dealing with. I hate that you have to see it my dear...
Now turn your thoughts to birth and life and renewal. Perhaps grandmother is just waiting for your new son to be born before she lets go. Who knows? Rest my dear and think of new life and ressurection.
I know how this stresses you dear. And there is absolutely nothing that you can do about it. but remember that it is true that what goes around comes around..and god does reward those who serve...so be it....
It has been hard on you and your mom this trip... I am so sorry that you heard your grandmother crying. It is a wretched sound to hear. Your poor uncle is tired of it and his mother. It would be a blessing from god for your grandmother to pass, but there must be some reason that god has for her to continue to live..that is the only way we can look at it otherwise you too will go insane wondering why.
Now take a shower and drink a pretend glass of wine with that adorable hubby of yours and dream of your new little one Kyle with perhaps his grandmothers maiden name? for a middle name? Think of how much your mother has been able to help her brother..that alone is a gift and she has been able to not only give but recieve from it. This is something that she has had to do.
So when she comes home, don't question here about why she does it or if she needs to do it. Be thankful that you have a mother who has a heart big enough to go through the agony and pain to do it. Be proud that she will suffer the misery and pain of rejection by her mother to do it. Be proud of her, but don't tell her how upset it makes you when you hear grandmother cry out. She already knows and it is agony enough for her. I know, I too was a daughter. She goes out of love and devotion and for you to natter at her with your worry only pulls at her even more. So give her support and love. You are a wise young woman Caroline, but this is an old disease that older women are dealing with. I hate that you have to see it my dear...
Now turn your thoughts to birth and life and renewal. Perhaps grandmother is just waiting for your new son to be born before she lets go. Who knows? Rest my dear and think of new life and ressurection.
caringsister54
02-17-2009, 08:44 AM
Carsam,
when I read your post and you said "there's no place like this board", I'm thinking that they would override the wizard of oz movie and have Dorothy say "there's no place like the board" instead of "there's no place like home"
But to tell you the truth, this board has become my second home. I mean there's drama, intrigue, happiness, sadness, and most of all, love.
Its family with the exception of sitting around a table eating. So I vote for a virtual dinner for all of us as a separate message thread.
See you at dinner
CaringSister54
when I read your post and you said "there's no place like this board", I'm thinking that they would override the wizard of oz movie and have Dorothy say "there's no place like the board" instead of "there's no place like home"
But to tell you the truth, this board has become my second home. I mean there's drama, intrigue, happiness, sadness, and most of all, love.
Its family with the exception of sitting around a table eating. So I vote for a virtual dinner for all of us as a separate message thread.
See you at dinner
CaringSister54
carsam
02-17-2009, 05:40 PM
Hi ladies...
Deb and Martha, thanks for your input on the other thread on the medications....I have a feeling grandma has not been on anything long enough for it to truly work, but I would be lying if I said I knew that for sure, I am not there, and god knows Uncle is doing his best I know.
Ibake, wise words once again, and rest assured dear friend, when mom comes back tomorrow....I will put on my "listening" ears and not let her know of my worry....just be supportive. When I need to do that, I'll come here to my extended family........
Friends, I try so hard to concentrate on the positives, although it may not seem so some days....but truly my son and baby to be, and my husband, are what get me through the days. I know I am young, and I have all this rebirth and good memories to look forward to, but since I hit my 30's I've had to fight to remember that constantly. After we got married in 2000.....shortly after hubby's grandma passed away from breast cancer. Right after in 2001, one of my uncles was diagnosed with a brain tumor (died in Jan 02). That same year mom was diagnosed with reoccurence of breast cancer, thank God we got it all and she had treatment. Another aunt had lung cancer that year, bless her she is still with us. In 2003, one uncle had heart attack and two strokes. In 2004 other uncle that lived with grandma diagnosed with bowel cancer and died later that year. Uncle with two strokes died a few months later, and yet another uncle died of lung cancer last April. Among all of this, we've been dealing with grandma's onset of dementia which of course has worsened and the evaporation of our entire family. Throughout the last 8 years, the joy I have came through my son, born right smack in the middle of everything, in 2003. These years have been full of illness, death, and resentment.....and he is the light that keeps an otherwise dark path brightly lit. Sometimes I get resentful to deal with so much of this at this age.....and I think it will only get worse.....I will also have to deal with my own parents and my husbands potentially. I suppose at least I'll have had lots of practice huh? Anyways, I will finish off my pity party here....but know that I do try to focus on what's good in my life. Sometimes the bad stuff just knocks me off balance for a bit.....but I get my footing again eventually. I know I am not the only one who struggles.
Funny, last night I couldnt sleep, and at about 4am this morning, I was flipping through the channels on the TV, watching all the ADS for how you can lose 10 pounds and 10 inches in 10 days :dizzy: And I came across what do you know? A special on Alzheimers.......with peoples stories as they dealt with their loved ones.......I started watching and shouldnt have as it was really a depressing program to watch. Makes you realize how many out there are dealing with this.......thank goodness we have found this little pocket where we can come and find such wonderful support. I think the Good Lord has brought everyone to this place.......
So today, my son and I took a very rare trip to a lovely restaurant for lunch. I mean, one with actual cloth napkins, and a menu that wasnt "disposable". We had a lovely time......it was just what I needed.
Love, Caroline xo
Deb and Martha, thanks for your input on the other thread on the medications....I have a feeling grandma has not been on anything long enough for it to truly work, but I would be lying if I said I knew that for sure, I am not there, and god knows Uncle is doing his best I know.
Ibake, wise words once again, and rest assured dear friend, when mom comes back tomorrow....I will put on my "listening" ears and not let her know of my worry....just be supportive. When I need to do that, I'll come here to my extended family........
Friends, I try so hard to concentrate on the positives, although it may not seem so some days....but truly my son and baby to be, and my husband, are what get me through the days. I know I am young, and I have all this rebirth and good memories to look forward to, but since I hit my 30's I've had to fight to remember that constantly. After we got married in 2000.....shortly after hubby's grandma passed away from breast cancer. Right after in 2001, one of my uncles was diagnosed with a brain tumor (died in Jan 02). That same year mom was diagnosed with reoccurence of breast cancer, thank God we got it all and she had treatment. Another aunt had lung cancer that year, bless her she is still with us. In 2003, one uncle had heart attack and two strokes. In 2004 other uncle that lived with grandma diagnosed with bowel cancer and died later that year. Uncle with two strokes died a few months later, and yet another uncle died of lung cancer last April. Among all of this, we've been dealing with grandma's onset of dementia which of course has worsened and the evaporation of our entire family. Throughout the last 8 years, the joy I have came through my son, born right smack in the middle of everything, in 2003. These years have been full of illness, death, and resentment.....and he is the light that keeps an otherwise dark path brightly lit. Sometimes I get resentful to deal with so much of this at this age.....and I think it will only get worse.....I will also have to deal with my own parents and my husbands potentially. I suppose at least I'll have had lots of practice huh? Anyways, I will finish off my pity party here....but know that I do try to focus on what's good in my life. Sometimes the bad stuff just knocks me off balance for a bit.....but I get my footing again eventually. I know I am not the only one who struggles.
Funny, last night I couldnt sleep, and at about 4am this morning, I was flipping through the channels on the TV, watching all the ADS for how you can lose 10 pounds and 10 inches in 10 days :dizzy: And I came across what do you know? A special on Alzheimers.......with peoples stories as they dealt with their loved ones.......I started watching and shouldnt have as it was really a depressing program to watch. Makes you realize how many out there are dealing with this.......thank goodness we have found this little pocket where we can come and find such wonderful support. I think the Good Lord has brought everyone to this place.......
So today, my son and I took a very rare trip to a lovely restaurant for lunch. I mean, one with actual cloth napkins, and a menu that wasnt "disposable". We had a lovely time......it was just what I needed.
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
02-17-2009, 10:28 PM
Hey Caroline, you will lose 10 pounds and 10 inches in ONE day when your son is born ....
Love,
Martha
Love,
Martha
DGabriel10
02-18-2009, 01:34 AM
You are so right Martha.... it's a miracle diet! Or is that a diet from a miracle... of birth. Birth and death are both a part of this miracle called life. Life is for living. If you have not read "The Last Lecture" you should. It gave me a healthy prespective. I have lost many that I love dearly. I will love my life to the fullest, with joy in my heart, for them!
Love, deb
Love, deb
carsam
02-18-2009, 09:02 AM
Deb and Martha, you're funny!!!!! I'll have to remember that about the 10 pounds, ha ha!!!
Deb, I will check out that book.....sounds like very interesting reading....you guys have such a wonderful attitude despite all you've been and are going through....I could use some of that.
Love, Caroline
P.S. Mom is on her way home today....I'm sure it was hard for her leaving this morning. I will make sure the first thing she sees when she turns the corner in the airport is a beautiful little 5 year old smile........
Deb, I will check out that book.....sounds like very interesting reading....you guys have such a wonderful attitude despite all you've been and are going through....I could use some of that.
Love, Caroline
P.S. Mom is on her way home today....I'm sure it was hard for her leaving this morning. I will make sure the first thing she sees when she turns the corner in the airport is a beautiful little 5 year old smile........
ibake&pray
02-18-2009, 12:53 PM
Caroline,
I wish that I had a daughter that is as young and wise as you are. It's tough having to face the crap that life throws at you. It's really hard when you have seen death in your family and know that you will have to watch your parents die sometime in the future.
It's funny, I am a social worker by degree, but I never EVER planned on my parents dying. Nope, wasn't going to happen to MY parents. Everyone elses parents could pass, but mine were going to be here until the sun set and never rose again. I mean it just NEVER EVER enter my head. Now my hubby lost his father while we were dating. His mother died in '01 and his grandmother in '02 at 102.5 yrs. old. That seemed normal. But not my parents. So imagine what a shock I had when the doctor told me that daddy wasn't going to last the year. Then to have mother follow him 5 weeks later...
I didn't take it too well.
IT's something that life throws at us. YOu know how the saying goes that God never shuts the door that he doesn't open the window? It's true, but gosh, sometimes that window isn't open quite wide enough...especially if your tummys is BIG..tee hee. But you get through it..because it doesn't do much good to mourn too long. For me because my mother would expect more out of me than that. So you just pick yourself up, and you look at each day as you face it and you go through it. One day at a time. And dear Caro, that is what you do also. YOu look at those glorious kids and you do one day at a time because you are a wonderful mother and daughter and wife. And when you need to cry and vent and wail, you come here and we will cry with you. Because we have been there too.
And we are proud of you for what you have become since you have joined us on the board. A marvelous self assured young mother and wife and woman...what I wouldn't give to have you as a daughter or DIL.
I wish that I had a daughter that is as young and wise as you are. It's tough having to face the crap that life throws at you. It's really hard when you have seen death in your family and know that you will have to watch your parents die sometime in the future.
It's funny, I am a social worker by degree, but I never EVER planned on my parents dying. Nope, wasn't going to happen to MY parents. Everyone elses parents could pass, but mine were going to be here until the sun set and never rose again. I mean it just NEVER EVER enter my head. Now my hubby lost his father while we were dating. His mother died in '01 and his grandmother in '02 at 102.5 yrs. old. That seemed normal. But not my parents. So imagine what a shock I had when the doctor told me that daddy wasn't going to last the year. Then to have mother follow him 5 weeks later...
I didn't take it too well.
IT's something that life throws at us. YOu know how the saying goes that God never shuts the door that he doesn't open the window? It's true, but gosh, sometimes that window isn't open quite wide enough...especially if your tummys is BIG..tee hee. But you get through it..because it doesn't do much good to mourn too long. For me because my mother would expect more out of me than that. So you just pick yourself up, and you look at each day as you face it and you go through it. One day at a time. And dear Caro, that is what you do also. YOu look at those glorious kids and you do one day at a time because you are a wonderful mother and daughter and wife. And when you need to cry and vent and wail, you come here and we will cry with you. Because we have been there too.
And we are proud of you for what you have become since you have joined us on the board. A marvelous self assured young mother and wife and woman...what I wouldn't give to have you as a daughter or DIL.
carsam
02-18-2009, 02:46 PM
Oh Ibake.....
The last part of your post is just wreaking havoc with my already frazzled hormones!!! What a sweet thing to say.....I sure dont feel like the person you described, but how nice and also a little overwhelming it is to hear something so positive about yourself. If you cant tell, I rarely ever hear anything like that, not even from my own parents, so I will truly cherish those words, thank you!!! The funny thing is, I am not close whatsover with my MIL.........so I could say the same....if only.....
I can see why you would be a social worker. It is obviously in your blood to want to help people, and you do it so well. I am sending you my big hugs, as I think of you losing your parents within such a ridiculously short space of time Ibake. How heartbreaking that must have been for you, and I know it still is. I know recently you took that little break from the board when you were struggling, and I thank God you came back. I think I have said it before here, but having lost all my family members, whether it be "physically" due to illness and death, or just to the resentment, and we no longer speak, you and the other ladies here, I feel honestly are like my family. I come here looking for you when I need support, and I always get it, no matter what. I have had talks with you all here that I've never had with my aunts in the best of times.....and never have any of them said the kind words that have been said to me here.....I cherish every one of you, and feel the need to let you all know that.
I called Uncle this morning to make sure mom got away, and to ridiculously wish him a "Happy" Birthday. I just told him that I know it's "his day", but I just wanted to acknowledge it. He has always hated his birthday. Anyways, mom had a rough exit this morning, grandma was really bad throughout the night, and had no sleep, apparently mom broke down this morning when she left. I know it was inevitable.....I just hope and pray this is not going to further affect her health. The relationship is hard.....I know she's doing what she has to....and I "want" her to help grandma, but at the same time, she is "my" mom. Ah, not easy. Grandma was quiet when I called, but barely communicating at all these days, rarely eating, and just getting some fluids. So then Uncle says to me "hopefully there will be better days ahead for all of us" - I said "I hope so". Then he says "But what does that mean? Does it mean she has to die for us all to have our life back, for us all to have some peace"? How do I answer that??? I just sort of kept silent, and then he said "I would go another 100 years dealing with all this, to keep her here". This worried me......personally I could not do it. I dont want to feel like this anymore.....as you all say life is for "living". The only thing I said to him, was that I would love to have grandmother around "forever", but not if it meant she was suffering as she is.....he just agreed but didnt say much. The thing with Uncle is that maybe as he is unmarried, once she's gone, he will have this huge void. For my mom, it will be devastating yes, but she has a husband, me, my hubby and will have 2 grandchildren. She'll grieve, but we will help her through it. I think that's why it means so much more to him. Her death represents such an uncertain future for him......I suppose I can understand him not wanting to think of it.
Oh boy, there I am rambling again.......
Thank you again dear Ibake for your message.....good thing I have the flu right now so I had the Kleenex close by!!! :)
Love, Caroline xo
The last part of your post is just wreaking havoc with my already frazzled hormones!!! What a sweet thing to say.....I sure dont feel like the person you described, but how nice and also a little overwhelming it is to hear something so positive about yourself. If you cant tell, I rarely ever hear anything like that, not even from my own parents, so I will truly cherish those words, thank you!!! The funny thing is, I am not close whatsover with my MIL.........so I could say the same....if only.....
I can see why you would be a social worker. It is obviously in your blood to want to help people, and you do it so well. I am sending you my big hugs, as I think of you losing your parents within such a ridiculously short space of time Ibake. How heartbreaking that must have been for you, and I know it still is. I know recently you took that little break from the board when you were struggling, and I thank God you came back. I think I have said it before here, but having lost all my family members, whether it be "physically" due to illness and death, or just to the resentment, and we no longer speak, you and the other ladies here, I feel honestly are like my family. I come here looking for you when I need support, and I always get it, no matter what. I have had talks with you all here that I've never had with my aunts in the best of times.....and never have any of them said the kind words that have been said to me here.....I cherish every one of you, and feel the need to let you all know that.
I called Uncle this morning to make sure mom got away, and to ridiculously wish him a "Happy" Birthday. I just told him that I know it's "his day", but I just wanted to acknowledge it. He has always hated his birthday. Anyways, mom had a rough exit this morning, grandma was really bad throughout the night, and had no sleep, apparently mom broke down this morning when she left. I know it was inevitable.....I just hope and pray this is not going to further affect her health. The relationship is hard.....I know she's doing what she has to....and I "want" her to help grandma, but at the same time, she is "my" mom. Ah, not easy. Grandma was quiet when I called, but barely communicating at all these days, rarely eating, and just getting some fluids. So then Uncle says to me "hopefully there will be better days ahead for all of us" - I said "I hope so". Then he says "But what does that mean? Does it mean she has to die for us all to have our life back, for us all to have some peace"? How do I answer that??? I just sort of kept silent, and then he said "I would go another 100 years dealing with all this, to keep her here". This worried me......personally I could not do it. I dont want to feel like this anymore.....as you all say life is for "living". The only thing I said to him, was that I would love to have grandmother around "forever", but not if it meant she was suffering as she is.....he just agreed but didnt say much. The thing with Uncle is that maybe as he is unmarried, once she's gone, he will have this huge void. For my mom, it will be devastating yes, but she has a husband, me, my hubby and will have 2 grandchildren. She'll grieve, but we will help her through it. I think that's why it means so much more to him. Her death represents such an uncertain future for him......I suppose I can understand him not wanting to think of it.
Oh boy, there I am rambling again.......
Thank you again dear Ibake for your message.....good thing I have the flu right now so I had the Kleenex close by!!! :)
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
02-18-2009, 11:31 PM
Caroline... I totally agree with Jill. You are an amazing mother, wife, and daughter and care so much for so many.
You have brought up a question we all struggle with. What do we truly wish? Do we wish to keep our loved ones with us? Do we wish an end to the suffering? In this horrible disease they are opposites. Both are right but can not coexist. So what do we wish for? We roll it around in our heads and still come up with BOTH!! Some will lean more to one side than the other but both are always present. Couple that with it being our spouses, our parents, or grandparents, those that are the nearest and dearest to us, and it only become more conflicting. Sometimes it is better to just deal with the here and now, do what we can in the present, and leave the future to be what it will be.
Love, deb
You have brought up a question we all struggle with. What do we truly wish? Do we wish to keep our loved ones with us? Do we wish an end to the suffering? In this horrible disease they are opposites. Both are right but can not coexist. So what do we wish for? We roll it around in our heads and still come up with BOTH!! Some will lean more to one side than the other but both are always present. Couple that with it being our spouses, our parents, or grandparents, those that are the nearest and dearest to us, and it only become more conflicting. Sometimes it is better to just deal with the here and now, do what we can in the present, and leave the future to be what it will be.
Love, deb
caringsister54
02-18-2009, 11:36 PM
Carsam
its a shame. maybe we should get your uncle to meet my sister! -- they both gave up their lives for their parent. They both did caregiver jobs. They both felt that they wanted their parent to live forever!, they both have a void when the person is gone. They both have the kind of lives that make you afraid of what tomorrow will bring because they really had no means to prepare for that part of life.
This was my fear for the entire 3 years my mother wasn't able to talk and make her needs known. Sister kept saying she knew what those needs were and maybe she did or maybe she just wanted to feel that she did.
I kept saying this wasn't healthy for her. You really need to talk to all family members and get them to understand -- truly understand that they need to help fill in the gap and give this man more times to find things outside the home to be involved in because it will be devastating when it happens.
I see my sister who looks like a lost soul. I can't become her best friend now. We're too different, think too different ways. While its okay to spend time with each other while doing something like a Tricky Tray event, I can't come home from work and spend every moment filling in her day.
Take Care
CaringSister54
its a shame. maybe we should get your uncle to meet my sister! -- they both gave up their lives for their parent. They both did caregiver jobs. They both felt that they wanted their parent to live forever!, they both have a void when the person is gone. They both have the kind of lives that make you afraid of what tomorrow will bring because they really had no means to prepare for that part of life.
This was my fear for the entire 3 years my mother wasn't able to talk and make her needs known. Sister kept saying she knew what those needs were and maybe she did or maybe she just wanted to feel that she did.
I kept saying this wasn't healthy for her. You really need to talk to all family members and get them to understand -- truly understand that they need to help fill in the gap and give this man more times to find things outside the home to be involved in because it will be devastating when it happens.
I see my sister who looks like a lost soul. I can't become her best friend now. We're too different, think too different ways. While its okay to spend time with each other while doing something like a Tricky Tray event, I can't come home from work and spend every moment filling in her day.
Take Care
CaringSister54
carsam
02-21-2009, 07:59 PM
Hi ladies,
Just getting a chance to check in, it's been a busy few days since mom has been back.
Deb/Diane, thanks for your messages......and for the kind words.....I hope you are both doing okay, and will go through the rest of the posts to make sure you are....
Well, mom is home, and seems to be doing okay. I am proud of her you know, she got through the week, and while is still very concerned for Uncle and Grandma, she seems to have taken it in stride.
She turns 60 on Tuesday, so rather than worry sick about her as I usually do.....I've went out and bought some "60" balloons, and streamers, a few little party hats. I bought her her favorite face creams and chocolate for her birthday, and also I'm giving her a gift certificate for an overnight stay with bed and breakfast at my favorite hotel in Niagara Falls. I'm hoping that she, Nicholas and I can go one night before I have the baby. We've been to Niagara Falls literally about 60 times, but she has never actually stayed overnight. So we'll go for dinner, bring some games to play with Nicholas once we get into the hotel, and wake up to a nice buffet breakfast the next morning. She needs nothing else, so I figure what better for a "60" birthday gift than a nice weekend to remember, right? And the opportunity to pack a bag for something other than helping family through illness. I hope it goes well. If I cant make it because I'm getting too close, oh well, she'll have to put up with dad, ha ha!!
Things are the same at home, grandma still crying all the time. You know, Uncle had told the doctors about struggling to get her to eat. So...they prescribed some sort of pill. Uncle looked it up on the Internet...and discovered it's what they give cancer patients when they lose alot of weight to help them eat. I dont know......
One of my long lost aunts who lives in England, she is one of the oldest, late 70's....not good health......calls this morning, demanding to know why she wasnt informed that mom had gone there to visit, and that grandma was really going downhill. Honestly these people kill me. They never call, never visit, but expect the person who's caring for their mom 24/7 to keep them all up to date. She has not visited my grandma in over 10 years. It's a 45 minute flight from where she lives, sheesh!!!! If you wont help, at least dont make things worse I say!!! What do we do with them all, eh?:eek:
Anyways, that's it for me ladies for now.......I'm on a countdown now, 4 weeks left to work, and 6 weeks from now I will be in the hospital, and baby Ryan will finally be here.......the time is going fast now......
I look forward to sharing about him with you all.....
Love, Caroline xo
Just getting a chance to check in, it's been a busy few days since mom has been back.
Deb/Diane, thanks for your messages......and for the kind words.....I hope you are both doing okay, and will go through the rest of the posts to make sure you are....
Well, mom is home, and seems to be doing okay. I am proud of her you know, she got through the week, and while is still very concerned for Uncle and Grandma, she seems to have taken it in stride.
She turns 60 on Tuesday, so rather than worry sick about her as I usually do.....I've went out and bought some "60" balloons, and streamers, a few little party hats. I bought her her favorite face creams and chocolate for her birthday, and also I'm giving her a gift certificate for an overnight stay with bed and breakfast at my favorite hotel in Niagara Falls. I'm hoping that she, Nicholas and I can go one night before I have the baby. We've been to Niagara Falls literally about 60 times, but she has never actually stayed overnight. So we'll go for dinner, bring some games to play with Nicholas once we get into the hotel, and wake up to a nice buffet breakfast the next morning. She needs nothing else, so I figure what better for a "60" birthday gift than a nice weekend to remember, right? And the opportunity to pack a bag for something other than helping family through illness. I hope it goes well. If I cant make it because I'm getting too close, oh well, she'll have to put up with dad, ha ha!!
Things are the same at home, grandma still crying all the time. You know, Uncle had told the doctors about struggling to get her to eat. So...they prescribed some sort of pill. Uncle looked it up on the Internet...and discovered it's what they give cancer patients when they lose alot of weight to help them eat. I dont know......
One of my long lost aunts who lives in England, she is one of the oldest, late 70's....not good health......calls this morning, demanding to know why she wasnt informed that mom had gone there to visit, and that grandma was really going downhill. Honestly these people kill me. They never call, never visit, but expect the person who's caring for their mom 24/7 to keep them all up to date. She has not visited my grandma in over 10 years. It's a 45 minute flight from where she lives, sheesh!!!! If you wont help, at least dont make things worse I say!!! What do we do with them all, eh?:eek:
Anyways, that's it for me ladies for now.......I'm on a countdown now, 4 weeks left to work, and 6 weeks from now I will be in the hospital, and baby Ryan will finally be here.......the time is going fast now......
I look forward to sharing about him with you all.....
Love, Caroline xo
meg1230
02-22-2009, 12:32 AM
My gosh, time does march on. I remember when you first found out you were pregnant. And now here it is..just weeks away. Will you be taking the computer to the hospital to let all of we godmoms know when he is here?
Your birthday celebration for your mom sounds perfect..she is a lucky mom.
I had to gasp/laugh about what your aunt said....good grief.
Love, Meg
Your birthday celebration for your mom sounds perfect..she is a lucky mom.
I had to gasp/laugh about what your aunt said....good grief.
Love, Meg
Drews Gram
02-22-2009, 03:14 AM
Dear Caroline,
Your birthday gift sounds so perfect. I would love a birthday just like your Moms. She is a lucky lady and she must be a special Mom to have raised such a thoughtful daughter.
I'm at a loss for words concerning your Aunts completely stupid phone call. I can't believe that its been 10 years and she demands answers to her questions. Amazing..........people never cease to amaze me.
Be sure to rest alot these last few weeks. Put your feet up and enjoy Ryan where he is now. Because when that sweet boy gets here your going to need your strength. I'm getting excited for you. ;)
Love and hugs to you both,
Chris
Your birthday gift sounds so perfect. I would love a birthday just like your Moms. She is a lucky lady and she must be a special Mom to have raised such a thoughtful daughter.
I'm at a loss for words concerning your Aunts completely stupid phone call. I can't believe that its been 10 years and she demands answers to her questions. Amazing..........people never cease to amaze me.
Be sure to rest alot these last few weeks. Put your feet up and enjoy Ryan where he is now. Because when that sweet boy gets here your going to need your strength. I'm getting excited for you. ;)
Love and hugs to you both,
Chris
Martha H
02-22-2009, 08:04 AM
That Niagara Falls birthday present is the best ever, since you will be there and celebrate with your Mom. Be sure to go soon!
I remember the last few weeks of my last pregnancy. I was 38 and already had two children. We were also living with my in-laws having just returned to Germany from a 3 year stint in Africa, and we had no place of our own yet. It was a very trying time. VERY. Then the baby was 10 days late. And he weighed 11 pounds. (this is the same boy who is getting married in less than two weeks, now 6'1" and 200 pounds). In spite of his high weight it was not a difficult birth.
Good luck in the next few weeks, may God be with you in a very very special way.
Love,
Martha
I remember the last few weeks of my last pregnancy. I was 38 and already had two children. We were also living with my in-laws having just returned to Germany from a 3 year stint in Africa, and we had no place of our own yet. It was a very trying time. VERY. Then the baby was 10 days late. And he weighed 11 pounds. (this is the same boy who is getting married in less than two weeks, now 6'1" and 200 pounds). In spite of his high weight it was not a difficult birth.
Good luck in the next few weeks, may God be with you in a very very special way.
Love,
Martha
polina
02-22-2009, 09:21 AM
I love Niagara Falls. I went there years back and we stayed at a cute little bed and breakfast right withinn walking distance to the falls Loved it!!
That sounds like something your Mom could certainly enjoy right about now. It will be good for you to take a little break just about now too. Before the baby comes. Have a great time when you go!!
I think your aunt is feeling a little guilt for not having gotten in touch all this time and now realizes Grandma is not doing too good. She has to put the blame on someone other then herself as to WHY she hasn't seen her or talked to her. Everyone likes to have someone to blame.
The countdown begins for the baby!! Can't wait!!
Love Pauline
That sounds like something your Mom could certainly enjoy right about now. It will be good for you to take a little break just about now too. Before the baby comes. Have a great time when you go!!
I think your aunt is feeling a little guilt for not having gotten in touch all this time and now realizes Grandma is not doing too good. She has to put the blame on someone other then herself as to WHY she hasn't seen her or talked to her. Everyone likes to have someone to blame.
The countdown begins for the baby!! Can't wait!!
Love Pauline
caringsister54
02-22-2009, 09:39 AM
been to niagra falls but the canadian side not the ny side
loved seeing them. Got to see Mt. Rushmore in person as well and we were blessed with seeing the actual beginning of the Chief Crazy Horse statue being created similar to Mt. Rushmore and not that far away. We were at the house of the carver probably within 2 years of him starting the carving.
Your gift sounds wonderful. I love surprises like that. Just to be taken away from it all! ahhhhh, the thoughts.
you are a good mom and in your condition to think of others if a testament to the job your Mom did raising you. May God Bless you and yours today, tomorrow and always
your CaringSister54
loved seeing them. Got to see Mt. Rushmore in person as well and we were blessed with seeing the actual beginning of the Chief Crazy Horse statue being created similar to Mt. Rushmore and not that far away. We were at the house of the carver probably within 2 years of him starting the carving.
Your gift sounds wonderful. I love surprises like that. Just to be taken away from it all! ahhhhh, the thoughts.
you are a good mom and in your condition to think of others if a testament to the job your Mom did raising you. May God Bless you and yours today, tomorrow and always
your CaringSister54
ibake&pray
02-22-2009, 06:44 PM
Dear Caro-
What a wonderful idea, Your mom should be thrilled! I know i would be. I'll go in her place if she doesn't want to go as Tuesday is my day-and I doubt that I will get anything that special! LOL.
make sure that you rest up alot! It's doesnt' seem that it has been 9 months almost. It just seems that last week you told us that you were expecting. Wow! I'm soo excited... another little one to coo over..
rest up and let us know how mom likes the gitf. She had better appreciate it!
What a wonderful idea, Your mom should be thrilled! I know i would be. I'll go in her place if she doesn't want to go as Tuesday is my day-and I doubt that I will get anything that special! LOL.
make sure that you rest up alot! It's doesnt' seem that it has been 9 months almost. It just seems that last week you told us that you were expecting. Wow! I'm soo excited... another little one to coo over..
rest up and let us know how mom likes the gitf. She had better appreciate it!
carsam
02-22-2009, 07:09 PM
Thanks ladies for the positive feedback. I hope she's going to enjoy it. Or should I say I hope she's going to "allow" herself to enjoy it.
Mom has had a really bad headache today.....I'm sure brought on by a phone call overseas this morning that was described as "you dont want to know", when I asked about it.
Before mom left, she was adamant that she was going to start to look after herself better when she got home. That meant she was going to stop calling every morning, and limit herself to calling "once" per day instead of twice. Also she said she would not be going back in June...she had done enough.
So now as I expected, she is back, and the very night she came back, I heard her say to my son, that she would get him some more of his favorite PJ's when "she goes back again in June". So much for that. And of course she is calling twice a day. Before she left I told her, "yes, well you've said this before", and she said "yes, but I really mean it this time, because it's really affecting my health". So, I havent said a word about it, but I'm sure she knows I'm thinking "well, so much for that".
When I give her this gift, it is likely that she will feel too guilty to go....and maybe not even go at all. I can see her doing that. I know she has to do what she has to, but she puts grandma's situation first so many times. She spends so much of our family time preoccupied with her care, and it has really affected her health. Is it too much to ask for her to set it aside for one night for me? I guess we'll see........
Please pray for me ladies that when this baby arrives I will be able to focus on what I need to, and not be suffocated by this sadness all the time. I'm so sorry to sound selfish, but I want to put my children first. I may be 39, but I know what it's like to "never come first" for the sake of this illness, and it isnt easy. I am tired again today friends.....
Love, Caroline xo
P.S. Ibake, do you mean that it's your birthday also on Tuesday? Same as my mom's then......dear friend, if I could, I would make it a very special occasion for you.......because the day Ibake came into this world, was certainly a day to be celebrated!!! :)
Mom has had a really bad headache today.....I'm sure brought on by a phone call overseas this morning that was described as "you dont want to know", when I asked about it.
Before mom left, she was adamant that she was going to start to look after herself better when she got home. That meant she was going to stop calling every morning, and limit herself to calling "once" per day instead of twice. Also she said she would not be going back in June...she had done enough.
So now as I expected, she is back, and the very night she came back, I heard her say to my son, that she would get him some more of his favorite PJ's when "she goes back again in June". So much for that. And of course she is calling twice a day. Before she left I told her, "yes, well you've said this before", and she said "yes, but I really mean it this time, because it's really affecting my health". So, I havent said a word about it, but I'm sure she knows I'm thinking "well, so much for that".
When I give her this gift, it is likely that she will feel too guilty to go....and maybe not even go at all. I can see her doing that. I know she has to do what she has to, but she puts grandma's situation first so many times. She spends so much of our family time preoccupied with her care, and it has really affected her health. Is it too much to ask for her to set it aside for one night for me? I guess we'll see........
Please pray for me ladies that when this baby arrives I will be able to focus on what I need to, and not be suffocated by this sadness all the time. I'm so sorry to sound selfish, but I want to put my children first. I may be 39, but I know what it's like to "never come first" for the sake of this illness, and it isnt easy. I am tired again today friends.....
Love, Caroline xo
P.S. Ibake, do you mean that it's your birthday also on Tuesday? Same as my mom's then......dear friend, if I could, I would make it a very special occasion for you.......because the day Ibake came into this world, was certainly a day to be celebrated!!! :)
DGabriel10
02-22-2009, 07:30 PM
Caroline, what a wonderful thoughtful gift to give your Mom. Somewhere in there you said something about being selfish....I think NOT!. What you are is realistic. There is nothing that you can do from that distance except support your Mom and your Uncle. That does not mean that you have to sit and brood about what is going on incessently. Yes, it is a horrible disease and the extended family has made it even more horrific. But neither you nor your Mom are doing anybody any good by being sad and brooding and worrying about a situation that you can do nothing about. If worry could fix a problem, there would be no problems to fix!!
You are garciously doing all you can for your Mom. This trip is a prime example. Beyond that you have to think of your DH and little ones, especially the little one that is about to be born. I can't believe it will be here so soon. You also deserve some of your Mom's attention. You are right under her nose with your little family. It is not selfish to want some of the attention, especially when she is so close.
It is what you DO and not what you worry about that makes a difference. Your Mom has been there, given your Uncle some relief and help. She does call to support him. I am sure that his "reports" drag her down because she can not be there all the time but at some point you have to come up for air and see the world around you.
As for the wayward Aunt that is complaining that she is not being updated. When you have guilt on your plate you really want to give it to somebody else. If you have not kept in contact enough to know what is going on, then it is easier to blame somebody for not telling you than to accept the fact that you were negligent in keeping in contact. She's trying to salve her own guilt. See it for what it is and let it go.
I do hope your Mom will go and enjoy the weekend. I have been to Niagra Falls once, both sides, and it was a splendid weekend that holds many fond memories for me. What an amazing place!! I do hope you can all enjoyt it.
Love, deb
You are garciously doing all you can for your Mom. This trip is a prime example. Beyond that you have to think of your DH and little ones, especially the little one that is about to be born. I can't believe it will be here so soon. You also deserve some of your Mom's attention. You are right under her nose with your little family. It is not selfish to want some of the attention, especially when she is so close.
It is what you DO and not what you worry about that makes a difference. Your Mom has been there, given your Uncle some relief and help. She does call to support him. I am sure that his "reports" drag her down because she can not be there all the time but at some point you have to come up for air and see the world around you.
As for the wayward Aunt that is complaining that she is not being updated. When you have guilt on your plate you really want to give it to somebody else. If you have not kept in contact enough to know what is going on, then it is easier to blame somebody for not telling you than to accept the fact that you were negligent in keeping in contact. She's trying to salve her own guilt. See it for what it is and let it go.
I do hope your Mom will go and enjoy the weekend. I have been to Niagra Falls once, both sides, and it was a splendid weekend that holds many fond memories for me. What an amazing place!! I do hope you can all enjoyt it.
Love, deb
carsam
02-23-2009, 12:39 PM
Thank you Deb...your words are very true. Sometimes I really do need to have a reality check on what I can and cannot control you know? I think the whole "brooding" thing comes from my relationship with my mother, even long before grandma ever got sick.....that's a long story, and not related to this illness.....man I could really use some "therapy" from you guys on that one.
Anyways, so I have just booked this gift certificate, confirmed it, and then called Mom. Am planning on giving it to her tomorrow, and hoping we could go this weekend. Only to find out, that Uncle is saying he may have to admit grandma to hospital tomorrow because he can not get her to eat a bite....the nurse last week told my Uncle that he has to understand once she stops eating, that she MUST go into hospital. So now I dont know what will go on, and here I feel kind of stupid giving her this sort of gift given this last call. Well, I guess it doesnt have an expiry date......so who knows when it will get used......dont know why I bother planning anything sometimes to be honest.......I dont say that to be mean whatsover.....it just is what it is.
If grandma goes into hospital this week, I highly doubt she will come back out....so please say some prayers for us dear friends......I'm not sure this may be our turn here......
Love, Caroline xo
Anyways, so I have just booked this gift certificate, confirmed it, and then called Mom. Am planning on giving it to her tomorrow, and hoping we could go this weekend. Only to find out, that Uncle is saying he may have to admit grandma to hospital tomorrow because he can not get her to eat a bite....the nurse last week told my Uncle that he has to understand once she stops eating, that she MUST go into hospital. So now I dont know what will go on, and here I feel kind of stupid giving her this sort of gift given this last call. Well, I guess it doesnt have an expiry date......so who knows when it will get used......dont know why I bother planning anything sometimes to be honest.......I dont say that to be mean whatsover.....it just is what it is.
If grandma goes into hospital this week, I highly doubt she will come back out....so please say some prayers for us dear friends......I'm not sure this may be our turn here......
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
02-23-2009, 12:42 PM
If your Grandma goes into hospital this weekend, you can get the news upon your return from Niagara Falls. Let nothing stop you and your Mom from having this little mini vacation!
Love,
Martha
Love,
Martha
DGabriel10
02-23-2009, 02:00 PM
If grandmother goes to the hospital then your mom will know she is getting ever better care than she was with Uncle. She has a cell phone if anything major occurs. There is nothing she can do for grandmother sitting at home. She will need that distraction even more.
Giving her the gift of relaxation and distraction is never stupid. It is a kind and caring thing to do for your Mom. You are quickly approaching the time when you will not be able to travel because it is too close to your due date and then you will have a newborn. So the timing is perfect. DO NOT beat up on yourself for things that are out of your control and your grandmother's possible admission is not under your control... neither is your Mom's reaction.
I'm with Martha on this one. Give Mom all the reasons she should go. Make sure she understands that this is the last opportunity to take a mini vacation with her before the baby is born. When she says she has to stay home because Grandmother may go to the hospital ask her why that is going to help Grandmother in any way! She can find out what she needs to know in Niagara just as easily as she can at home. If you have to put Mom on the guilt trip...... don't get on the guilt train yourself because you are doing what is best for all of you and you know that!! Mom may make it difficult but that is her choice.... you have done what is good and right!
Love, deb
Giving her the gift of relaxation and distraction is never stupid. It is a kind and caring thing to do for your Mom. You are quickly approaching the time when you will not be able to travel because it is too close to your due date and then you will have a newborn. So the timing is perfect. DO NOT beat up on yourself for things that are out of your control and your grandmother's possible admission is not under your control... neither is your Mom's reaction.
I'm with Martha on this one. Give Mom all the reasons she should go. Make sure she understands that this is the last opportunity to take a mini vacation with her before the baby is born. When she says she has to stay home because Grandmother may go to the hospital ask her why that is going to help Grandmother in any way! She can find out what she needs to know in Niagara just as easily as she can at home. If you have to put Mom on the guilt trip...... don't get on the guilt train yourself because you are doing what is best for all of you and you know that!! Mom may make it difficult but that is her choice.... you have done what is good and right!
Love, deb
carsam
02-23-2009, 02:32 PM
Dear ladies,
You are very right....and if you had to convince just me, I'd be there with bells on. My mom on the other hand is a different story. I cannot change her, or how she deals with all of this. If grandma ends up in hospital, it will be difficult to get her to leave the house to go for a coffee, never mind an overnight getaway. She will feel guilty, despite the fact that she knows there is nothing she can do. Besides the fact, what would be the point, if she goes, only to be preoccupied and on the phone every couple of hours. The point was to get away from that.....in which case, in my eyes if she doesnt benefit from the trip, it is a waste of my money then.
If I put pressure on her, she gets very angry......I've been through many a long year with my mom, and we have had many issues, I struggle with my relationship with her on different levels other than what I've mentioned here, so it's not easy to talk to her all the time. Suffice to say, but if she refuses to go this weekend, I wont push her, because I know her, and it will backfire on me.
There is no expiry on the gift certificate, so she can always go later with my dad.....or me again when I'm up to it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see....in a way, my mom is just as obsessed with being "there" in her way for grandma as Uncle is. If grandma is in Hospital this week, then she'll never tell Uncle she has gone away for the weekend.....no matter what I say, it will never happen. Doesnt make it right, but I cant change her....believe me I've tried.
Oh well.....we'll see what happens....
Love, Caroline xo
You are very right....and if you had to convince just me, I'd be there with bells on. My mom on the other hand is a different story. I cannot change her, or how she deals with all of this. If grandma ends up in hospital, it will be difficult to get her to leave the house to go for a coffee, never mind an overnight getaway. She will feel guilty, despite the fact that she knows there is nothing she can do. Besides the fact, what would be the point, if she goes, only to be preoccupied and on the phone every couple of hours. The point was to get away from that.....in which case, in my eyes if she doesnt benefit from the trip, it is a waste of my money then.
If I put pressure on her, she gets very angry......I've been through many a long year with my mom, and we have had many issues, I struggle with my relationship with her on different levels other than what I've mentioned here, so it's not easy to talk to her all the time. Suffice to say, but if she refuses to go this weekend, I wont push her, because I know her, and it will backfire on me.
There is no expiry on the gift certificate, so she can always go later with my dad.....or me again when I'm up to it. I guess we'll just have to wait and see....in a way, my mom is just as obsessed with being "there" in her way for grandma as Uncle is. If grandma is in Hospital this week, then she'll never tell Uncle she has gone away for the weekend.....no matter what I say, it will never happen. Doesnt make it right, but I cant change her....believe me I've tried.
Oh well.....we'll see what happens....
Love, Caroline xo
caringsister54
02-23-2009, 03:08 PM
Hate to put this on you now in your condition, but be prepared. There's two things that may occur:
1) If there is a living will/medical directive, that will kick in. If it means no extordinary action taken to extend life than it will take however long it will take for her body to start to fail.
2) If there is no living will/medical directive, then it will be:
a) bring her home with hospice intervention for an hour or two each day to make her comfortable OR
b) put her in a nursing home/hospice center and that's another story from a financial perspective depending on where they live.
The other decision may be to put her on a feeding tube. that just extends their life, it does nothing to help stop the brain decline. The question then is, what quality of life is being extended by the feeding tube.
So, I'm sorry for what your uncle and your mom will be dealing with over the next few weeks. Hopefully this isn't the end and a short hospital stay is all it will take but then Uncle doesn't get that much respite.
He is going to feel like he failed in some manner. Please assure him that he was a terrific son and did everything humanly possible, it's now being directed by God in whatever manner he deems and your Uncle needs to accept it.
My prayers are with you.
Your 'adopted' CaringSister54
1) If there is a living will/medical directive, that will kick in. If it means no extordinary action taken to extend life than it will take however long it will take for her body to start to fail.
2) If there is no living will/medical directive, then it will be:
a) bring her home with hospice intervention for an hour or two each day to make her comfortable OR
b) put her in a nursing home/hospice center and that's another story from a financial perspective depending on where they live.
The other decision may be to put her on a feeding tube. that just extends their life, it does nothing to help stop the brain decline. The question then is, what quality of life is being extended by the feeding tube.
So, I'm sorry for what your uncle and your mom will be dealing with over the next few weeks. Hopefully this isn't the end and a short hospital stay is all it will take but then Uncle doesn't get that much respite.
He is going to feel like he failed in some manner. Please assure him that he was a terrific son and did everything humanly possible, it's now being directed by God in whatever manner he deems and your Uncle needs to accept it.
My prayers are with you.
Your 'adopted' CaringSister54
mentalmum08
02-23-2009, 03:33 PM
Dear Caroline, Have just read your post, and it reached in and grabbed my heart. Ibakes' reply also affected me. My mum calls for her mum just like your grandma. I never thought to try and soothe the demons away. I just stand there and watch. Another lesson for me. Your post also gave me some insight as to how my two daughters must feel?? My lil' bro will not put our mum into a N/H and my daughters resent him for this. Just because his ex-wife can manage to shower her, he thinks I should be able to. I have a congenital hole at the bottom of my spine and it's getting bigger the older I get. She's 12yrs. younger than me. I never know what to say when he throws that at me. Keep holding the towels. I get a picture of us changing positions in this never-ending circle of towel holders. sometimes we need support, then it shifts and we give support. A bit like the penguins in the south pole enduring the bitter dark winter. I was at a religious convention yesterday, and I learned that what can't be cured, must be endured. I cant cure my situation, but as to endurance well - !!!
love sandra xxx
love sandra xxx
carsam
02-23-2009, 05:01 PM
Diane/Sandra,
Thank you both for your messages......
Diane....I would lean towards the situation being 2A as you described if things go that way. Supposedly they have always said that when grandma goes into a hospital that will be "it". Dont know how they know this, but this is what has been said. You want to know something absurd? When my grandma was 90, she was as healthy as a horse, never knew what a headache was. Her doctor at that point told her that she was very healthy, and would go peacefully one night in her sleep. So didnt this just frighten her for so long, she was afraid to go to sleep. Now, as we have all experienced, I'm sure we would all agree, that just to go "peacefully in your sleep", is a blessing rather than this horrible illness......so for her it never turned out that way, she has suffered so much. I hate the thought of her being on a feeding tube, it will kill my Uncle. When I think of what he has been through in the last 6 years. He flew here and carried his brother's coffin......then went home, and went to his other brother's appointments while he was dying from bowel cancer, all the while caring for my grandmother. Carried his second brother to the cemetary.....and every since has been just the bearer of so much hatred from his siblings. Now he will once again have to carry my grandmother.....I feel so sorry for him. Life can be wonderful but just so hard.....I really hope and pray that he can find some peace and some blessings in life for himself when all this is over.
Sandra - I hear what you are saying. I have oftened gotten upset at my uncle for unloading everything on my mom.....but it doesnt last long when I stop and think what he is going through also. I dont believe for a second that there is anything wrong with you not being able to give that kind of care to your mom......especially with your health condition. Truthfully, some people just cant do that sort of thing, even if they're in perfect health. There is also much more than a "shower" that can be done to help, and I'm sure you are doing as much as you can. As long as anyone is doing what they can, that's all we can do isnt it? I never have an issue with my mom helping grandma.....how can I? She's not doing anything that I wont do for her later down the road? It is just hard when I see her health being affected by it......I just dont see the point in people making themselves ill to care for others. I would never want my kids to do that. What a tangled weave this "generation" thing is........
Yes, you are right, that's what we do here, just change positions holding the towels, that's a good way of looking at it. But I'm telling you, those towels are truly symbolic, and they work, as if you can reach out and really feel them in your hands!!!
Love, Caroline xo
Thank you both for your messages......
Diane....I would lean towards the situation being 2A as you described if things go that way. Supposedly they have always said that when grandma goes into a hospital that will be "it". Dont know how they know this, but this is what has been said. You want to know something absurd? When my grandma was 90, she was as healthy as a horse, never knew what a headache was. Her doctor at that point told her that she was very healthy, and would go peacefully one night in her sleep. So didnt this just frighten her for so long, she was afraid to go to sleep. Now, as we have all experienced, I'm sure we would all agree, that just to go "peacefully in your sleep", is a blessing rather than this horrible illness......so for her it never turned out that way, she has suffered so much. I hate the thought of her being on a feeding tube, it will kill my Uncle. When I think of what he has been through in the last 6 years. He flew here and carried his brother's coffin......then went home, and went to his other brother's appointments while he was dying from bowel cancer, all the while caring for my grandmother. Carried his second brother to the cemetary.....and every since has been just the bearer of so much hatred from his siblings. Now he will once again have to carry my grandmother.....I feel so sorry for him. Life can be wonderful but just so hard.....I really hope and pray that he can find some peace and some blessings in life for himself when all this is over.
Sandra - I hear what you are saying. I have oftened gotten upset at my uncle for unloading everything on my mom.....but it doesnt last long when I stop and think what he is going through also. I dont believe for a second that there is anything wrong with you not being able to give that kind of care to your mom......especially with your health condition. Truthfully, some people just cant do that sort of thing, even if they're in perfect health. There is also much more than a "shower" that can be done to help, and I'm sure you are doing as much as you can. As long as anyone is doing what they can, that's all we can do isnt it? I never have an issue with my mom helping grandma.....how can I? She's not doing anything that I wont do for her later down the road? It is just hard when I see her health being affected by it......I just dont see the point in people making themselves ill to care for others. I would never want my kids to do that. What a tangled weave this "generation" thing is........
Yes, you are right, that's what we do here, just change positions holding the towels, that's a good way of looking at it. But I'm telling you, those towels are truly symbolic, and they work, as if you can reach out and really feel them in your hands!!!
Love, Caroline xo
mentalmum08
02-23-2009, 06:34 PM
Caroline, I'm sad that your uncle has given so much of himself to his family. Your response to my reply has humbled me. Unlike your mum's brother, my lil' bro is just selfish and self-centred. He very much worships at the altar of mamon. He has no intrest in maintaining a healthy relationship with me, and dumps on me on a regular basis. Your uncle has a track record of shouldering the burdens of his family, and he has my deepest respect. I believe you are soon to have a baby? I wish you all the best for the upcoming event.
Lots of love,
sandra xxx
Lots of love,
sandra xxx
carsam
02-23-2009, 08:27 PM
Dear Sandra....
I hope I didnt say anything to upset you.....I'm not sure.....but I'm sorry your brother gives you so much trouble. My uncle and your brother may both take care of their mom's but it sounds as if they handle things very differently. I know if there was a decent nursing home, my uncle at this point would likely give in and place her there, but there isnt one where they live. My uncle is also single, and has never had a life of his own, it's always been dedicated to grandma, even when she was healthy. Your brother does have his wife to help, and should not compare you to her. If she is able to help, that's great. But help comes in all forms. My mom visits when she can but provides emotional help more than anything as she lives far away from Uncle and Grandma. It doesnt sound like your brother is even giving you a chance to do that. I feel for you, Its enough to deal with your poor mom going through this without your brother giving you a hard time as well. In our case, it is the other sisters that do that. I have read your posts on here as well Sandra, and firmly believe that all those who find their way here have the purest of hearts when it comes to doing all they can, and caring for their loved ones. You need to take care of your own health, for your sake and your family's and whatever you can do for mom, no doubt you are doing. In my experience, it's when people do more than they are able, is when all the trouble starts, it's when families start to divide and resentment starts to build. Be true to yourself, your family and your mom and know that as long as you love your mom, and do what you can, when you can, that's all you need....you cant change how your brother feels......just know that he does not change the love you have for your mom.....whatever issues he has are his own. Take my advice, (which is also the advice that has been given to me).....do what you can, love your mom, and let you brother do what and be what he must. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and ensure you are around a long time because your daughters love and need you!!!
Sandra, I notice you also live in the U.K......I wonder if its the same as Ireland where my Uncle is......they cant seem to find any decent care there. Some of the people here have been blessed to have found wonderful caring facilities for their families, but my Uncle has never found anything where he lives. I wonder if it's a U.K thing?
thanks for your good wishes, I will be keeping you all informed....
Love, Caroline xo
I hope I didnt say anything to upset you.....I'm not sure.....but I'm sorry your brother gives you so much trouble. My uncle and your brother may both take care of their mom's but it sounds as if they handle things very differently. I know if there was a decent nursing home, my uncle at this point would likely give in and place her there, but there isnt one where they live. My uncle is also single, and has never had a life of his own, it's always been dedicated to grandma, even when she was healthy. Your brother does have his wife to help, and should not compare you to her. If she is able to help, that's great. But help comes in all forms. My mom visits when she can but provides emotional help more than anything as she lives far away from Uncle and Grandma. It doesnt sound like your brother is even giving you a chance to do that. I feel for you, Its enough to deal with your poor mom going through this without your brother giving you a hard time as well. In our case, it is the other sisters that do that. I have read your posts on here as well Sandra, and firmly believe that all those who find their way here have the purest of hearts when it comes to doing all they can, and caring for their loved ones. You need to take care of your own health, for your sake and your family's and whatever you can do for mom, no doubt you are doing. In my experience, it's when people do more than they are able, is when all the trouble starts, it's when families start to divide and resentment starts to build. Be true to yourself, your family and your mom and know that as long as you love your mom, and do what you can, when you can, that's all you need....you cant change how your brother feels......just know that he does not change the love you have for your mom.....whatever issues he has are his own. Take my advice, (which is also the advice that has been given to me).....do what you can, love your mom, and let you brother do what and be what he must. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and ensure you are around a long time because your daughters love and need you!!!
Sandra, I notice you also live in the U.K......I wonder if its the same as Ireland where my Uncle is......they cant seem to find any decent care there. Some of the people here have been blessed to have found wonderful caring facilities for their families, but my Uncle has never found anything where he lives. I wonder if it's a U.K thing?
thanks for your good wishes, I will be keeping you all informed....
Love, Caroline xo
mentalmum08
02-24-2009, 05:28 AM
Hello again caroline, No you didn't say anything to upset me. What you did do was put a gift on the table for me. I was in therapy for approx. 4yrs. The therapist used to say that when you become aware, you notice the point more that the other person is putting forward. That is what happened to me in your reply. It is hit and miss in the UK. You would call it a zip code lottery. I love irish people. i'm half irish myself, although i'm scottish by birth. I'm also quarter scandanavian. Regular melting pot our family. I have been to ireland. It was beautiful. Anyway enough of me ranting.
Lots of love, sandra xo
Lots of love, sandra xo
carsam
02-24-2009, 10:10 AM
Aww, I am glad Sandra, if I said anything that would help you.......that's what we're all here for. So much valuable advice and support here from all of us......
Are you still in therapy? How are you doing now? How is your mom?
That's funny you call your family a melting pot.......I am Irish, my husband is Chinese, and believe it or not, our son has bright RED hair......so we are quite the "mixture" as well.......
Hope all is well.....
Love, Caroline xo
Are you still in therapy? How are you doing now? How is your mom?
That's funny you call your family a melting pot.......I am Irish, my husband is Chinese, and believe it or not, our son has bright RED hair......so we are quite the "mixture" as well.......
Hope all is well.....
Love, Caroline xo
ibake&pray
02-24-2009, 10:33 AM
Dear Caroline,
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. And I am sorry to think that your mother won't accept your gift in the spirit in which it is given. All you can do is offer it to her and hope that she accepts it and goes with you for the weekend. Sitting at home and worrying is a sad way to spend time if you ask me, and a waste. Why not go and enjoy the last time she will have with you before your new little bundle comes? I cannot understand the selfishness of some people..but then that's what makes them selfish! You can only offer..it is her loss..and tell her that, then let it go...just say, Mom it's your loss. There is nothing to be gained by sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring...unless she has been talking to sister #4 and is expecting to get paid for the phone call?:nono: Tell her it will be her loss because it will a looonnnggg time before this opportunity will come up again..Having two kids myself I speak from experience. You won't be able to tear yourself away for quite awhile...
But you have made the generous offer and if she chooses not to take it, be comfortable with the fact that you did your best and let it go. What's done is done. No sense begging her to go it will do no good.
We will keep your grandmother in our prayers, and that is the best that can be done at this time. One can hope that she will pass in peace and let your uncle go on with his life also... it has been such a difficult time for him.
Caroline, let go and let god. it is all that can be done...
I am sorry to hear about your grandmother. And I am sorry to think that your mother won't accept your gift in the spirit in which it is given. All you can do is offer it to her and hope that she accepts it and goes with you for the weekend. Sitting at home and worrying is a sad way to spend time if you ask me, and a waste. Why not go and enjoy the last time she will have with you before your new little bundle comes? I cannot understand the selfishness of some people..but then that's what makes them selfish! You can only offer..it is her loss..and tell her that, then let it go...just say, Mom it's your loss. There is nothing to be gained by sitting at home waiting for the phone to ring...unless she has been talking to sister #4 and is expecting to get paid for the phone call?:nono: Tell her it will be her loss because it will a looonnnggg time before this opportunity will come up again..Having two kids myself I speak from experience. You won't be able to tear yourself away for quite awhile...
But you have made the generous offer and if she chooses not to take it, be comfortable with the fact that you did your best and let it go. What's done is done. No sense begging her to go it will do no good.
We will keep your grandmother in our prayers, and that is the best that can be done at this time. One can hope that she will pass in peace and let your uncle go on with his life also... it has been such a difficult time for him.
Caroline, let go and let god. it is all that can be done...
carsam
02-24-2009, 11:16 AM
Thank you Ibake for your message....I hear what you are saying....
I just called mom to wish her a Happy Birthday.....honestly I am so tired of having to "gently" celebrate what should be nice occasions. So, I call mom and wish her a Happy Birthday, but of course my tone is "solemn", because knowing grandma may be admitted to hospital, I dont dare sound "perky"...that would be "misunderstood". (trust me). Anyways, she has put out her cards, but not opened her gifts...that's fine. So, supposedly a doctor came out this morning to see grandma since they heard she hasnt been eating anything....and he advised Uncle that "no", they would not admit her to a regular hospital.....only to this damn mental hospital. Of course he will not do it....I just dont think he has the strength to take her there and leave her there. Doctor said that all he can do for his mother now is just "care" for her.........I said to mom so what does this mean then? She said "It means she's dying".....kind of abruptly. I understand that....I only meant that does that mean they wont try anything to get any nutrients into her? I guess she's on edge today....I suppose I should understand.
I wish I hadnt given her that certificate now, I guess I will just let her know I booked it before the doctors had been to see grandma. Whatever.....
So, supposedly the two oldest aunts (twins), both live far away from grandma are calling this morning and yelling at Uncle and saying this is ridiculous, and they should be informed. One of them says she "doesnt know what to believe"...because she talks to both my mom and also the other aunts that we no longer speak with, so she's hearing two sides of the story. Frankly I couldnt care less what she believes. Does she really believe we would make up this horror? Do we have nothing better to do with our lives than fabricate this awful illness. I wish they would all just disappear, they've done nothing to help all this time, and now nearing the end, they can only make things worse. I could care less about any guilt or conscience they may have....that is theirs to deal with.....we have our own problems.
Awww....so sorry.....I'm ranting today.......hormones are all over the place right now....
Caroline
I just called mom to wish her a Happy Birthday.....honestly I am so tired of having to "gently" celebrate what should be nice occasions. So, I call mom and wish her a Happy Birthday, but of course my tone is "solemn", because knowing grandma may be admitted to hospital, I dont dare sound "perky"...that would be "misunderstood". (trust me). Anyways, she has put out her cards, but not opened her gifts...that's fine. So, supposedly a doctor came out this morning to see grandma since they heard she hasnt been eating anything....and he advised Uncle that "no", they would not admit her to a regular hospital.....only to this damn mental hospital. Of course he will not do it....I just dont think he has the strength to take her there and leave her there. Doctor said that all he can do for his mother now is just "care" for her.........I said to mom so what does this mean then? She said "It means she's dying".....kind of abruptly. I understand that....I only meant that does that mean they wont try anything to get any nutrients into her? I guess she's on edge today....I suppose I should understand.
I wish I hadnt given her that certificate now, I guess I will just let her know I booked it before the doctors had been to see grandma. Whatever.....
So, supposedly the two oldest aunts (twins), both live far away from grandma are calling this morning and yelling at Uncle and saying this is ridiculous, and they should be informed. One of them says she "doesnt know what to believe"...because she talks to both my mom and also the other aunts that we no longer speak with, so she's hearing two sides of the story. Frankly I couldnt care less what she believes. Does she really believe we would make up this horror? Do we have nothing better to do with our lives than fabricate this awful illness. I wish they would all just disappear, they've done nothing to help all this time, and now nearing the end, they can only make things worse. I could care less about any guilt or conscience they may have....that is theirs to deal with.....we have our own problems.
Awww....so sorry.....I'm ranting today.......hormones are all over the place right now....
Caroline
ibake&pray
02-24-2009, 12:20 PM
Caroline,
Because they haven't been involved, they have all the energy in the world. And because they haven't been involved, they feel like they have been slighted. Forget that it has been of their own doing. They have convieniently forgotten that it was of their own doing that they haven't had anything to do with mother and brother for the past of-so-many years. Now when it has come to the end and it is at crisis proportion they are at the ready and waving their swords in the air and crying foul for not being informed at how bad things were. There isn't much you can do to change people like that. They don't change, just their rhetoric.
So just tune them out. You know that your mother has done what she can for uncle and her mother. The rest is up to god I am sorry to say. YOU need to tune all of it out. You don't need high blood pressure at this point in your pregnancy. And you know that you don't need negative vibes. Your son will pick up on your mental upset and he needs his mommy feeling good these last few weeks before Ryan shows up on the home front. So clear your mind and try to think happy thoughts as the care bears say. Rest and relax. These things are out of your control so there is no sense stressing over what you have no control over. It will drive your crazy.
A thought for you: "When we take our children for granted, we miss their sense of humor." Go find your sons' sense of humor today! Now let go of your worries and rest and take care of your boy.....and thank you for my birthday wishes....I haven't heard from own children....
Because they haven't been involved, they have all the energy in the world. And because they haven't been involved, they feel like they have been slighted. Forget that it has been of their own doing. They have convieniently forgotten that it was of their own doing that they haven't had anything to do with mother and brother for the past of-so-many years. Now when it has come to the end and it is at crisis proportion they are at the ready and waving their swords in the air and crying foul for not being informed at how bad things were. There isn't much you can do to change people like that. They don't change, just their rhetoric.
So just tune them out. You know that your mother has done what she can for uncle and her mother. The rest is up to god I am sorry to say. YOU need to tune all of it out. You don't need high blood pressure at this point in your pregnancy. And you know that you don't need negative vibes. Your son will pick up on your mental upset and he needs his mommy feeling good these last few weeks before Ryan shows up on the home front. So clear your mind and try to think happy thoughts as the care bears say. Rest and relax. These things are out of your control so there is no sense stressing over what you have no control over. It will drive your crazy.
A thought for you: "When we take our children for granted, we miss their sense of humor." Go find your sons' sense of humor today! Now let go of your worries and rest and take care of your boy.....and thank you for my birthday wishes....I haven't heard from own children....
carsam
02-24-2009, 12:29 PM
Hi Ibake.....
It is true what you say about these aunts, I can for sure tune them out, that's not a problem......
Well, I just called mom a few moments ago, she was on the other line of course to Uncle....and then she called me back, very "tense". So, she said "I dont mean to be rude, but can you please get your money back on this Niagara Falls thing". I said "sure no problem".....(I was expecting this)...I told her I booked it before these last couple of days. She said this was not her "cup of tea". Meanwhile before she went last week, she told me she'd give anything to go away for a night, and even said it again when she came back. This is her way of making me feel bad, because she'll now accuse me of doing something for her, knowing she wouldnt go, and knowing tht would make her feel bad, and she doesnt need that). She also asked me to take back the box of chocolates, because she's not supposed to be eating them, and if she puts on weight she'll get cancer again. I hardly ever buy her them, and just needed something to put with the gift certificate......wrong again I guess. This is how my mom deals with worries about grandma.
So....I had planned on trying to make this birthday special for her, since she's had such a rough time. I have streamers and "60" balloons on the table at home that will likely go to waste. I have a tiny bunch of flowers from my son, and my husband is picking up the cake today. I know as I'm sitting here they will all go to waste. Two years ago, I also had to throw out her birthday cake because she was upset with her sisters and wouldnt have anything to do with celebrating her birthday.
When I got off the phone, I went to the washroom for some privacy and a good few tears as I'm at work...only to come back and find the gift certificates had been delivered and were sitting on my chair. I am really trying to accept this as part of the situation but mom has always been like this...and some days its harder than others to just not give in to it and feel miserable....
I'm a mess today....
Caroline
It is true what you say about these aunts, I can for sure tune them out, that's not a problem......
Well, I just called mom a few moments ago, she was on the other line of course to Uncle....and then she called me back, very "tense". So, she said "I dont mean to be rude, but can you please get your money back on this Niagara Falls thing". I said "sure no problem".....(I was expecting this)...I told her I booked it before these last couple of days. She said this was not her "cup of tea". Meanwhile before she went last week, she told me she'd give anything to go away for a night, and even said it again when she came back. This is her way of making me feel bad, because she'll now accuse me of doing something for her, knowing she wouldnt go, and knowing tht would make her feel bad, and she doesnt need that). She also asked me to take back the box of chocolates, because she's not supposed to be eating them, and if she puts on weight she'll get cancer again. I hardly ever buy her them, and just needed something to put with the gift certificate......wrong again I guess. This is how my mom deals with worries about grandma.
So....I had planned on trying to make this birthday special for her, since she's had such a rough time. I have streamers and "60" balloons on the table at home that will likely go to waste. I have a tiny bunch of flowers from my son, and my husband is picking up the cake today. I know as I'm sitting here they will all go to waste. Two years ago, I also had to throw out her birthday cake because she was upset with her sisters and wouldnt have anything to do with celebrating her birthday.
When I got off the phone, I went to the washroom for some privacy and a good few tears as I'm at work...only to come back and find the gift certificates had been delivered and were sitting on my chair. I am really trying to accept this as part of the situation but mom has always been like this...and some days its harder than others to just not give in to it and feel miserable....
I'm a mess today....
Caroline
caringsister54
02-24-2009, 01:08 PM
Oh honey I'm so sorry that people can make others feel like crap sometimes. Its not fair. My mother was the queen of this when it came to me.
And I know about not being able to do anything right. I'm in a job that its the nature of it to always be wrong. I oversee equipment and no matter now many are up and running, I'll hear about the ones that aren't working or
possibly may not necessarily be broke but something's not right .
Hang in there. Remember you are giving your mother wayyyyyyyy too much power. You are not a little girl anymore but a wife and mother. You have control over your life and you are allowing her to take it over too much.
Please do yourself, your husband and your children a favor. Just listen to your mother but stop trying so hard. She'll come to you when she needs to. Until then, let it go.
I care about you, we all do.
Love
Your CaringSister54
And I know about not being able to do anything right. I'm in a job that its the nature of it to always be wrong. I oversee equipment and no matter now many are up and running, I'll hear about the ones that aren't working or
possibly may not necessarily be broke but something's not right .
Hang in there. Remember you are giving your mother wayyyyyyyy too much power. You are not a little girl anymore but a wife and mother. You have control over your life and you are allowing her to take it over too much.
Please do yourself, your husband and your children a favor. Just listen to your mother but stop trying so hard. She'll come to you when she needs to. Until then, let it go.
I care about you, we all do.
Love
Your CaringSister54
Drews Gram
02-24-2009, 02:08 PM
Dear Caroline,
I don't know what to say to you to help you feel better today. Such a thoughtfull gift from a sweet daughter and your Mom is acting this way. Its such a waste of a wonderful time she could have with you. What a shame for her and you. :confused: I'm a Mom and I don't like to say anything bad about someones Mom but forget trying to make her feel better Caroline. Its not working and she doesn't want to feel better. Not now. Forget it.
Ibake is so right sweetie. Spend time with someone who wants to be with you and make memories with him. I'm talking about your little boy of course. Get your Moms mood out of your head and concentrate on something that you can do something about. Does that make sense? He'll appreciate anything that you do with him and love it. Your time together is going to be limited soon. So enjoy time with that little boy.
Love and hugs to you.
Chris
I don't know what to say to you to help you feel better today. Such a thoughtfull gift from a sweet daughter and your Mom is acting this way. Its such a waste of a wonderful time she could have with you. What a shame for her and you. :confused: I'm a Mom and I don't like to say anything bad about someones Mom but forget trying to make her feel better Caroline. Its not working and she doesn't want to feel better. Not now. Forget it.
Ibake is so right sweetie. Spend time with someone who wants to be with you and make memories with him. I'm talking about your little boy of course. Get your Moms mood out of your head and concentrate on something that you can do something about. Does that make sense? He'll appreciate anything that you do with him and love it. Your time together is going to be limited soon. So enjoy time with that little boy.
Love and hugs to you.
Chris
carsam
02-24-2009, 02:39 PM
thank you Diane and Chris.....
You all keep me grounded these days you know? I am so very much trying to shake this off today......but I've always been this way with my mom....she's always had so much control over my emotions, or should I say I have "let" her control my emotions, I know. When I first came to these boards, I spent much of my time on the Depression Board, as she suffers from it, and has damn near brought me to the same point because of it. It was 2 years ago I discovered this board, on her birthday, when again it was all about the drama, and my gifts were thrown in my face. My struggles with her go way back further than grandma's illness, and it just all reaches a boiling point sometimes, or should I say "often". It is hard after 39 years to change, and to adapt a new way of "thinking" or "feeling"....god knows I've tried. I got some wonderful advice on the Depression Board, and also here.......I know what I need to do and how I need to feel, but I just cant seem to "get there". And then I end up not posting about it for awhile because I feel I'm being ungrateful to the wonderful people who give me the most sound and valuable advice I could have. Honestly, I get so frustrated with myself....I spend so much time trying to make everyone around me happy and I get lost in that. I have no problems realizing what my issues are, just in making any changes. To be honest with you, I "dread" mom's birthdays......because she seems to have this way of making it seem like she doesnt want to acknowledge them, but then talks about what a horrible day she had when it's over.:dizzy: Give me strength!!! It's also hard to distance myself and not think about it, when we live two houses apart, and she watches my son two or three times a week. I'll be so glad when I am on maternity leave, and I dont "need" them to watch my eldest for awhile, then I can just rely on myself. I dont know what it is about our family, but it just seems like if you're not "miserable", then you dont care about what's going on. I dont want to be miserable all the time....but there's just something about the "mother" relationship that is so how do I say this......"suffocating".....sometimes. No one else on this planet would make me feel this way....I dont know why I put up with it. God only knows what things will be like as she gets older.....
Thank you all for being here for me today.......I wish I could invite you all over....I have a "cake" that needs to be eaten...... :(
Love, Caroline xo
You all keep me grounded these days you know? I am so very much trying to shake this off today......but I've always been this way with my mom....she's always had so much control over my emotions, or should I say I have "let" her control my emotions, I know. When I first came to these boards, I spent much of my time on the Depression Board, as she suffers from it, and has damn near brought me to the same point because of it. It was 2 years ago I discovered this board, on her birthday, when again it was all about the drama, and my gifts were thrown in my face. My struggles with her go way back further than grandma's illness, and it just all reaches a boiling point sometimes, or should I say "often". It is hard after 39 years to change, and to adapt a new way of "thinking" or "feeling"....god knows I've tried. I got some wonderful advice on the Depression Board, and also here.......I know what I need to do and how I need to feel, but I just cant seem to "get there". And then I end up not posting about it for awhile because I feel I'm being ungrateful to the wonderful people who give me the most sound and valuable advice I could have. Honestly, I get so frustrated with myself....I spend so much time trying to make everyone around me happy and I get lost in that. I have no problems realizing what my issues are, just in making any changes. To be honest with you, I "dread" mom's birthdays......because she seems to have this way of making it seem like she doesnt want to acknowledge them, but then talks about what a horrible day she had when it's over.:dizzy: Give me strength!!! It's also hard to distance myself and not think about it, when we live two houses apart, and she watches my son two or three times a week. I'll be so glad when I am on maternity leave, and I dont "need" them to watch my eldest for awhile, then I can just rely on myself. I dont know what it is about our family, but it just seems like if you're not "miserable", then you dont care about what's going on. I dont want to be miserable all the time....but there's just something about the "mother" relationship that is so how do I say this......"suffocating".....sometimes. No one else on this planet would make me feel this way....I dont know why I put up with it. God only knows what things will be like as she gets older.....
Thank you all for being here for me today.......I wish I could invite you all over....I have a "cake" that needs to be eaten...... :(
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
02-24-2009, 03:17 PM
Hi Caroline, helping myself to a virtual piece of cake -- well, it's better than nothing!
I always felt guilty for going to live overseas when my kids were 1 and 3, the third not born. My Mom came to visit us often, but it was not the same.
I envied friends whose mothers, and now whose children, live across the street.
But I guess neither way is a guarantee of a perfect relationship; maybe it can be too close as well as too far away.
When I moved here I took an apartment only 3 miles from my daughter, and I help a lot with the children, but when she gets home I go home. I make a special point of not hanging around so long that I wear out my welcome. It is a fine line and hard to know where to draw.
Depression is an illness just as devastating as Dementia except with drugs it can be managed. If it is the bipolar type, it is even harder. This explains why your Mom overreacts to news about her mother. And makes me wonder if your uncle also has some depressive tendency.. most people would not let themselves get into that dilemma, but would yell and scream for help from the other siblings, and get it.
My advice to you is make a little more distance from your Mom. knowing her better now, maybe the Falls trip would also meet with criticism, not be 'quite right' and leave you feeling disapointed yet again. As with AD, you have to say "it is the disease, not her, and absolutely not me!"
You are in my prayers.
love,
Martha
I always felt guilty for going to live overseas when my kids were 1 and 3, the third not born. My Mom came to visit us often, but it was not the same.
I envied friends whose mothers, and now whose children, live across the street.
But I guess neither way is a guarantee of a perfect relationship; maybe it can be too close as well as too far away.
When I moved here I took an apartment only 3 miles from my daughter, and I help a lot with the children, but when she gets home I go home. I make a special point of not hanging around so long that I wear out my welcome. It is a fine line and hard to know where to draw.
Depression is an illness just as devastating as Dementia except with drugs it can be managed. If it is the bipolar type, it is even harder. This explains why your Mom overreacts to news about her mother. And makes me wonder if your uncle also has some depressive tendency.. most people would not let themselves get into that dilemma, but would yell and scream for help from the other siblings, and get it.
My advice to you is make a little more distance from your Mom. knowing her better now, maybe the Falls trip would also meet with criticism, not be 'quite right' and leave you feeling disapointed yet again. As with AD, you have to say "it is the disease, not her, and absolutely not me!"
You are in my prayers.
love,
Martha
carsam
02-24-2009, 05:53 PM
Dear Martha,
Your daughter is lucky to have you.........I hope she knows that. You know Martha, the distance whether too close or too far, is all based on the relationship. My mom can be very disrespectful to me, and that's when the fact that we live so close becomes too much. On a good day, I am happy to be close to her, I wouldnt have it any other way. As I said, the only time it bothers me is days like today when it seems I can do nothing right, and I am just so close, I am the nearest one to lash out at.
So....I had planned on picking up dinner, she said "no"....but agreed to come over for cake. When I called just before I left work, she basically gave me a hard time again for buying her chocolates, saying I do it, knowing it could cause her to be unhealthy and get cancer again. I tried to explain, I was just trying to make the day special for her because she's had such a rough year. Then she proceeded to tell me, that she's been writing "60" on her birthday cards. I got her to agree to come down for cake when I got home. So I got home, rushed and put up some streamers and balloons that said "60" on them. Her candles said 60, and we all sang Happy Birthday to her. If you could have seen the scene, it was so "forced" I tried, I really did.
So then she left and plans to sit all night alone, I offered to take her out for awhile....she said no. She asked me to also return the creams I got her for her face...and as she walked away from my door, she said, "well at least I got a bunch of flowers". So I suppose because she wants me to return the gift certificate and the cream, that I may as well have given her nothing. She also just now on the phone suggested I use the gift certificate myself, as it was more something "I" would like for myself. I am really hurt...it doesnt matter what I do, it's wrong. She wouldnt even tell me how the call went this afternoon to Uncle. I know she's taking the upset over Grandma out on me....she's angry and needs somewhere to put her anger. But I didnt cause Grandmas illness, and so I shouldnt be punished for it.
I cant wait to go to sleep tonight and forget this birthday thing again for another year.......
Flowers, cake, streamers, balloons......overnight getaway and some favorite creams. What a horrible and selfish gift.......when will I learn?
Caroline
Your daughter is lucky to have you.........I hope she knows that. You know Martha, the distance whether too close or too far, is all based on the relationship. My mom can be very disrespectful to me, and that's when the fact that we live so close becomes too much. On a good day, I am happy to be close to her, I wouldnt have it any other way. As I said, the only time it bothers me is days like today when it seems I can do nothing right, and I am just so close, I am the nearest one to lash out at.
So....I had planned on picking up dinner, she said "no"....but agreed to come over for cake. When I called just before I left work, she basically gave me a hard time again for buying her chocolates, saying I do it, knowing it could cause her to be unhealthy and get cancer again. I tried to explain, I was just trying to make the day special for her because she's had such a rough year. Then she proceeded to tell me, that she's been writing "60" on her birthday cards. I got her to agree to come down for cake when I got home. So I got home, rushed and put up some streamers and balloons that said "60" on them. Her candles said 60, and we all sang Happy Birthday to her. If you could have seen the scene, it was so "forced" I tried, I really did.
So then she left and plans to sit all night alone, I offered to take her out for awhile....she said no. She asked me to also return the creams I got her for her face...and as she walked away from my door, she said, "well at least I got a bunch of flowers". So I suppose because she wants me to return the gift certificate and the cream, that I may as well have given her nothing. She also just now on the phone suggested I use the gift certificate myself, as it was more something "I" would like for myself. I am really hurt...it doesnt matter what I do, it's wrong. She wouldnt even tell me how the call went this afternoon to Uncle. I know she's taking the upset over Grandma out on me....she's angry and needs somewhere to put her anger. But I didnt cause Grandmas illness, and so I shouldnt be punished for it.
I cant wait to go to sleep tonight and forget this birthday thing again for another year.......
Flowers, cake, streamers, balloons......overnight getaway and some favorite creams. What a horrible and selfish gift.......when will I learn?
Caroline
Drews Gram
02-24-2009, 07:12 PM
I think your right Caroline. She sounds like she's not happy unless she's miserable about something. I'm so sorry that this day turned out to be a big bust but we here sure appreciated your efforts. Didn't we ladies?
You do get a big A for effort. Now don't do it again next year Caroline. Send her flowers if thats what she likes and forget the rest. It just makes you crazy and hurts you. Stop it................LOL :mad: You'll never win with some people no matter how much you love them.
Love, Chris
You do get a big A for effort. Now don't do it again next year Caroline. Send her flowers if thats what she likes and forget the rest. It just makes you crazy and hurts you. Stop it................LOL :mad: You'll never win with some people no matter how much you love them.
Love, Chris
Martha H
02-24-2009, 07:44 PM
Is it only birthdays? Some people hate birthdays because it means getting old. It means getting like her mother in Ireland. It is scary. Instead of facing that fact, they take it out on the nearest, dearest person and that is you, unfortunately.
Or, is she one of those people who do not know how to receive? I was married to one of those. You could not get him a gift he liked. He would look bored, say, "oh is this all?" and turn away. The kids and I could never give him a Christmas or birthday present that he actually opened and used. He used to shake the box and say, "oh, another shirt. Yawn." That still wrapped shirt went onto a closet shelf for a year. Guess what, he got it again and again and again.
Special food, a specail cake? "Humpf. You ought to find out from my mother how to bake this, how to cook this. My mother is the best cook in the world, bla bla bla."
Aftershave lotion? "What are you saying, I stink? I know you don't like my smell."
Candy? "So you want my teeth ruined?" Alcohol, "I hate this brand/type/sort. Too sweet too sour too thin too thick."
Every time left the rest of us feeling defeated and way less likely to try harder the next year. (Before my birthday he once took me to an art show and showed me pictures he liked. I gave him my honest opinion on some of them and sure enough...for 'my' birthday I got the one I liked least but HE loved. He still has it, More power to him. I have things on my walls from garage sales, and I LOVE them!)
My advice - you can never get her what she wants because there is a hollow place in her soul no one can ever fill. Not even 8 babies (that woman has the same hollow.)
Just get her flowers and a nice card. Don't try so hard. It isn't worth it.
Love,
Martha
Or, is she one of those people who do not know how to receive? I was married to one of those. You could not get him a gift he liked. He would look bored, say, "oh is this all?" and turn away. The kids and I could never give him a Christmas or birthday present that he actually opened and used. He used to shake the box and say, "oh, another shirt. Yawn." That still wrapped shirt went onto a closet shelf for a year. Guess what, he got it again and again and again.
Special food, a specail cake? "Humpf. You ought to find out from my mother how to bake this, how to cook this. My mother is the best cook in the world, bla bla bla."
Aftershave lotion? "What are you saying, I stink? I know you don't like my smell."
Candy? "So you want my teeth ruined?" Alcohol, "I hate this brand/type/sort. Too sweet too sour too thin too thick."
Every time left the rest of us feeling defeated and way less likely to try harder the next year. (Before my birthday he once took me to an art show and showed me pictures he liked. I gave him my honest opinion on some of them and sure enough...for 'my' birthday I got the one I liked least but HE loved. He still has it, More power to him. I have things on my walls from garage sales, and I LOVE them!)
My advice - you can never get her what she wants because there is a hollow place in her soul no one can ever fill. Not even 8 babies (that woman has the same hollow.)
Just get her flowers and a nice card. Don't try so hard. It isn't worth it.
Love,
Martha
caringsister54
02-24-2009, 09:23 PM
Boy oh boy. Let me tell you - there's something in women when they reach 40 or 50, etc. There is an age Caroline when you will say "who gives a (hoot)".
For me it was 40 -- for Oprah Winfrey it was when she hit 50.
When I was married 3 months, my mother said very quietly "I didn't realize how much you did until you're not there doing it anymore". Which was surprising because as a child we were told -- most times -- that we didn't do much. Or what was done, could've been done better. All my life, I realized that I took crap from a lot of people because I didn't want them displeased and they wouldn't like me.
Then I turned 40! wonderful menopause also helped. I went from someone who worried what everyone thought of me to one who couldn't have cared less about what anyone felt. I am me, this is who I am, and if you don't like it, Oh well -- the problem is with you not me.
So dear friend. There will be a time when you may find this within yourself. You are too close. Do you pay your mother for watching your son? I did, this way I had the strength to tell her what I didn't like that she was doing when she watched my son. And I told her the money was hers and she was not to use it to buy formula or diapers for my son. This way nothing could be thrown back at me about what she did for me, etc. She was my employee during the day when I was working. After I got home, she became grandma.
Your mother lives a few houses away? Mine lived a stud away -- right on the other side of the wall. But I made it a practice NOT to go over there each night. I made a life for myself, my family, my husband. We went on vacation and NEVER took family with us. We had our kids enrolled in sports and spent many nights on baseball diamonds or bowling alleys.
YOU definitely need to find alternative care for your son AND you need to distance yourself from your mother. It would be healthy for you. And if you feel you can't do this -- then you need to talk with someone. Because if you don't identify and quantify your Mother/daughter relationship, there's a lot that can haunt you when she's gone about what you didn't resolve.
You are a wonderful person. Let your husband see the equal partner he fell in love with. Don't let your mother have too much control.
Love
YOUR caringsister54
For me it was 40 -- for Oprah Winfrey it was when she hit 50.
When I was married 3 months, my mother said very quietly "I didn't realize how much you did until you're not there doing it anymore". Which was surprising because as a child we were told -- most times -- that we didn't do much. Or what was done, could've been done better. All my life, I realized that I took crap from a lot of people because I didn't want them displeased and they wouldn't like me.
Then I turned 40! wonderful menopause also helped. I went from someone who worried what everyone thought of me to one who couldn't have cared less about what anyone felt. I am me, this is who I am, and if you don't like it, Oh well -- the problem is with you not me.
So dear friend. There will be a time when you may find this within yourself. You are too close. Do you pay your mother for watching your son? I did, this way I had the strength to tell her what I didn't like that she was doing when she watched my son. And I told her the money was hers and she was not to use it to buy formula or diapers for my son. This way nothing could be thrown back at me about what she did for me, etc. She was my employee during the day when I was working. After I got home, she became grandma.
Your mother lives a few houses away? Mine lived a stud away -- right on the other side of the wall. But I made it a practice NOT to go over there each night. I made a life for myself, my family, my husband. We went on vacation and NEVER took family with us. We had our kids enrolled in sports and spent many nights on baseball diamonds or bowling alleys.
YOU definitely need to find alternative care for your son AND you need to distance yourself from your mother. It would be healthy for you. And if you feel you can't do this -- then you need to talk with someone. Because if you don't identify and quantify your Mother/daughter relationship, there's a lot that can haunt you when she's gone about what you didn't resolve.
You are a wonderful person. Let your husband see the equal partner he fell in love with. Don't let your mother have too much control.
Love
YOUR caringsister54
carsam
02-24-2009, 09:51 PM
Thank you dear friends for your encouragement....I sure do need it today.
I know what's happened today....is par for the course.....is part of how our relationship has always been, I really shouldnt be surprised. I know it's also magnified by the state of grandma's health. She is helpless and worried.....and needs somewhere to put her frustration.....and I am as always so convenient.
So tonight on the phone she told me that she was disappointed I never put any effort into her "60" birthday. All the gifts I got were specifically nothing she would have wanted......the gift certificate for Niagara Falls was more for "me" than her. I tried to explain that I picked it because I knew she wouldnt travel very far because of grandma's health, and I couldnt travel far either based on how far along I am. So I thought this would be a nice little break until we can go somewhere nicer. Fell on deaf ears. Then she threw in the bit where I take her for granted, she does so much for me looking after Nicholas, and I dont appreciate it. My god I could write a book on here about what I do for her, but what would it matter. No, Diane, I dont pay her to watch my son, I've offered so many times....but she refuses to take the money. But I've done things in other ways, such as buying them a flat screen TV, a digital camera, treat them for dinners, all ways to repay them for watching my son. On a good day, she says he is a wonderful distraction, and she doesnt know what she'd do without her days with him, and this is what I get on the bad days. In my mind, it is all about manipulation.....she needs someone else to be upset as well as herself, and she knows how to push my buttons. Grandma was the same way......Uncle is still single and living with her because of that very same manipulation.
The last thing she said to me tonight was that she wanted to go to bed, and forget this day, and to not buy her any more birthday cards because she didnt even put them up on the fireplace. She also made a point to tell me all she ate today was a cup of tea and some chocolates. (going back to the fact that she was upset I bought her chocolates).
As a mother I cannot understand how you can intentionally say things to hurt your child, even if they are 39...they are still your child.
I am so tired tonight ladies.......grandma with dementia, mom with depression....good lord, what's in "my" future?
I'm sorry I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's been along day.......hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Thanks for listening...
Love, Caroline xo
I know what's happened today....is par for the course.....is part of how our relationship has always been, I really shouldnt be surprised. I know it's also magnified by the state of grandma's health. She is helpless and worried.....and needs somewhere to put her frustration.....and I am as always so convenient.
So tonight on the phone she told me that she was disappointed I never put any effort into her "60" birthday. All the gifts I got were specifically nothing she would have wanted......the gift certificate for Niagara Falls was more for "me" than her. I tried to explain that I picked it because I knew she wouldnt travel very far because of grandma's health, and I couldnt travel far either based on how far along I am. So I thought this would be a nice little break until we can go somewhere nicer. Fell on deaf ears. Then she threw in the bit where I take her for granted, she does so much for me looking after Nicholas, and I dont appreciate it. My god I could write a book on here about what I do for her, but what would it matter. No, Diane, I dont pay her to watch my son, I've offered so many times....but she refuses to take the money. But I've done things in other ways, such as buying them a flat screen TV, a digital camera, treat them for dinners, all ways to repay them for watching my son. On a good day, she says he is a wonderful distraction, and she doesnt know what she'd do without her days with him, and this is what I get on the bad days. In my mind, it is all about manipulation.....she needs someone else to be upset as well as herself, and she knows how to push my buttons. Grandma was the same way......Uncle is still single and living with her because of that very same manipulation.
The last thing she said to me tonight was that she wanted to go to bed, and forget this day, and to not buy her any more birthday cards because she didnt even put them up on the fireplace. She also made a point to tell me all she ate today was a cup of tea and some chocolates. (going back to the fact that she was upset I bought her chocolates).
As a mother I cannot understand how you can intentionally say things to hurt your child, even if they are 39...they are still your child.
I am so tired tonight ladies.......grandma with dementia, mom with depression....good lord, what's in "my" future?
I'm sorry I'm feeling sorry for myself, it's been along day.......hopefully tomorrow will be better.
Thanks for listening...
Love, Caroline xo
ibake&pray
02-25-2009, 12:13 AM
Caroline,
How dare she treat you like this. NO human being deserves to be verbally abused. In the future, when she starts like this, you need to tell her that you do not appreciate her speaking to you like this-after all you are an adult, not a child, and until she can treat you like an adult, she need not call back. Then politely say good night and hang up!
YOu are an articulate, intelligent, lovely young mother, who is about to have her second child, and you do not deserve this type of treatment by her depressed, spoiled rotten mother. If I would have said things like that my mother would have slapped me across the mouth!
Your mother is happy being unhappy-just like grumpy bear. The boys used to have a care bear book where he was hanging under his cloud. All of the other care bears brought their things to him and they were trying to make him happy. He looked at them and said - go away, don't you know that I'm happy being unhappy under my cloud? This is your mother. She too is unhappy and she wallows in it. The worst part of it is that she isn't truly happy unless she is making other peoply miserable also. People like her are sick Caroline, and they only make you ill also. Her sort of "woe is me" tale of woe is draining and tirering and it exhausts you and there is nothing that you can do to make her happy. What makes her happy is belitting other people at their expense-and that isn't kind nor polite. Nor is that the type of behavior that you want your son growing up emulating..
So my dear, find someone else to keep him and distance youself from her until she sees the error of her ways...but she may not ever do that. But you deseve better Caroline, and so do your children. They certainly don't need to see a grandmother like that. How in the world does your father put up with it?
Put her out of your mind, we love you as you are. Take a deep breath, and don't answer her calls. Don't make excuses for her and just let her stew at her home. Don't call her either. When she is ready she will call you... you need your rest. calm and rest.....hugs my dear...I would have eated cake. I didn't get one....
How dare she treat you like this. NO human being deserves to be verbally abused. In the future, when she starts like this, you need to tell her that you do not appreciate her speaking to you like this-after all you are an adult, not a child, and until she can treat you like an adult, she need not call back. Then politely say good night and hang up!
YOu are an articulate, intelligent, lovely young mother, who is about to have her second child, and you do not deserve this type of treatment by her depressed, spoiled rotten mother. If I would have said things like that my mother would have slapped me across the mouth!
Your mother is happy being unhappy-just like grumpy bear. The boys used to have a care bear book where he was hanging under his cloud. All of the other care bears brought their things to him and they were trying to make him happy. He looked at them and said - go away, don't you know that I'm happy being unhappy under my cloud? This is your mother. She too is unhappy and she wallows in it. The worst part of it is that she isn't truly happy unless she is making other peoply miserable also. People like her are sick Caroline, and they only make you ill also. Her sort of "woe is me" tale of woe is draining and tirering and it exhausts you and there is nothing that you can do to make her happy. What makes her happy is belitting other people at their expense-and that isn't kind nor polite. Nor is that the type of behavior that you want your son growing up emulating..
So my dear, find someone else to keep him and distance youself from her until she sees the error of her ways...but she may not ever do that. But you deseve better Caroline, and so do your children. They certainly don't need to see a grandmother like that. How in the world does your father put up with it?
Put her out of your mind, we love you as you are. Take a deep breath, and don't answer her calls. Don't make excuses for her and just let her stew at her home. Don't call her either. When she is ready she will call you... you need your rest. calm and rest.....hugs my dear...I would have eated cake. I didn't get one....
DGabriel10
02-25-2009, 03:49 AM
Caroline... perhaps we can pair your Mom up with Sister 4 and you and I can go off to Niagara Falls and have a blast!!! Then they can sit by the phone together and be miserable. I agree with what the others have said. you are a very intellegent, together, mature, wonderful daughter and mother. Your Mom should be ashamed of herself rather than you feeling guilty because you planned a wonderful suprise for her. I would so never do that to my daughrer!!!
Just like Sister 4, your Mom is not satisfied unless she is making everybody else as unhappy as she is. No she is not happy and doesn't want to be. They have their way of thinking and nothing you can do will change it. So what I have started doing is just saying "I am sorry you feel that way!" If you will notice that has nothing to do with what I (or you) have done but puts it squarely on the way the other person feels about it. It is not accepting any blame, just acknowledging that fact that they didn't like it. Then my brain says to me... "SO WHAT!" Let them be miserable if they want. I tried and that's all I can do. That is where you need to be. You tried. It was a wonderful caring effort to create something special for your Mom and her unacceptance of your efforts has nothing to do with you. Sorry you feel that way Mom... end of story.
Distance is the best thing you can give yourself at the moment. You have a beautiful little boy Ryan about to come into this world and an older son that needs your attention. I bet Hubby would like a little too. If it was me... I would take my little family right on up to Niagara Falls and have a blast of a weekend before the little one arrives.
Mom is going to stew in her misery and sit by the phone until there is nothing left to hear. There is no way to explain to her that it is futile to waste your life waiting for what might be. I do remember the last time she did this to you as well so I say... no more nice trips for her. If she wants to go somewhere just say... "Hope you enjoy it when you get there!" and let it go at that.
Caroline, you are such a wonderful thoughtful person. There is nothing in you that is cruel or selfish. You are always trying to make everybody else happy. Let me tell you from experience. If they are not happy, you can't make them happy. So surround yourself with happy people, kindred souls, that can return the love you have to give.
I am so sorry she totally wacked your day but tomorrow is another day. We live and learn and try not to repeat. So tomorrow, spend your day with somebody that appreciates you for the phantastic person you are!!!
Sending you lots of love.....
Love, deb
Just like Sister 4, your Mom is not satisfied unless she is making everybody else as unhappy as she is. No she is not happy and doesn't want to be. They have their way of thinking and nothing you can do will change it. So what I have started doing is just saying "I am sorry you feel that way!" If you will notice that has nothing to do with what I (or you) have done but puts it squarely on the way the other person feels about it. It is not accepting any blame, just acknowledging that fact that they didn't like it. Then my brain says to me... "SO WHAT!" Let them be miserable if they want. I tried and that's all I can do. That is where you need to be. You tried. It was a wonderful caring effort to create something special for your Mom and her unacceptance of your efforts has nothing to do with you. Sorry you feel that way Mom... end of story.
Distance is the best thing you can give yourself at the moment. You have a beautiful little boy Ryan about to come into this world and an older son that needs your attention. I bet Hubby would like a little too. If it was me... I would take my little family right on up to Niagara Falls and have a blast of a weekend before the little one arrives.
Mom is going to stew in her misery and sit by the phone until there is nothing left to hear. There is no way to explain to her that it is futile to waste your life waiting for what might be. I do remember the last time she did this to you as well so I say... no more nice trips for her. If she wants to go somewhere just say... "Hope you enjoy it when you get there!" and let it go at that.
Caroline, you are such a wonderful thoughtful person. There is nothing in you that is cruel or selfish. You are always trying to make everybody else happy. Let me tell you from experience. If they are not happy, you can't make them happy. So surround yourself with happy people, kindred souls, that can return the love you have to give.
I am so sorry she totally wacked your day but tomorrow is another day. We live and learn and try not to repeat. So tomorrow, spend your day with somebody that appreciates you for the phantastic person you are!!!
Sending you lots of love.....
Love, deb
mentalmum08
02-25-2009, 08:50 AM
Hi caroline ( i love that name), I have just finished reading all the regular girls' replies. Without being negative or disrepectful, your relationship with your mother, and her attitude to you sounds very much like what i went thro' growing up. (now 52). My mum took great delight in giving presents that i bought her away to others' One day she quite casually said that she had given my sister the mini hifi i bought her. I as furious. I told her that she was one of the most horriblest people i have known. I could feel her shrug down the line. Last week my brother bought a new phone. I said that it was like the one i had bought her ages ago. He said yeah i know, she gave it to kim(our sis). That feeling of hate came back. I didn't respond. He is also a heartless ignoramus. She always used to manipulate me hurtfuly in the background, and all anybody saw as me reacting. 6yrs ago i stopped playing her game. Just cut her off (not that i'm advocating you do this). Several times i tried over that time period to build bridges, but it was futile. She rung me up and told me 3yrs. ago she was diagnosed with Alz. I said SO! and hung up. after another 6months my lil' bro rung up and said she was deteriorating rapidly. I got on board, gave up my job and have been helphing one week in four ever since. They go on about them putting their lives onhold, what have I done eh? She always hated me for some reason. My two younger siblings were treated better, thay don't understand. That's why i was in therapy for 4yrs - aged 46 to 50. I finsished quite healthy then she trumped all and got ill. I truly hate her. She gave me nothing but grief all her life and now i have to care for her. Not a recipe for success!! She thumped me up the side of my head last week. She is inbetween stage6 and 7 in the seven stages list. I'll be glad when it's over. Then I walk away. The girls are right. It's not you problem, it's your mom's Be glad you dont treat your babies like that. They'll grow up to be emotionally healthy children. I'm the living proof to that statement. My two daughters are more emtionally mature that me. At least with the help of a good husband i broke the pattern.
Bye for now, love sandra xxx
Bye for now, love sandra xxx
carsam
02-25-2009, 09:23 AM
Dearest friends,
I have just read through all your replies, and am overwhelmed by your support.....you all have said so many things that have stood out to me.
When I read through Ibake's birthday thread.......from what you all said, you would have been happy just to have your kids "wish" you a Happy Birthday.....god bless you for that.....and for not blaming them for forgetting and holding it against them. For the record, I think each of you deserves to be celebrated on your special day, and if I were your daughter I'd make sure you knew that every year! It made me realize how selfish my mom was yesterday, and again that her birthday came at a perfect time to be something she could lash out about as she has no control over what's happening with grandma.
Ladies, mom has always been like this. She has always blamed Dad and me for wanting to live here, and the fact that she was separated from her family. I moved back and forth until I was 20 and then decided "Hey I need to put down some roots here". Then I decided to live here......made that decision at the same age that she decided to move away from home, but that's different, right? She has never accepted responsibility for living somewhere she is unhappy. I know as I sit here typing this that when grandma passes, we'll have to hear all about the time she missed with her. Mom doesnt realize that the fact her mom is 95 at all means she has had alot of time with her mother that alot of people dont get to have. See, our family live in each other's pockets, always have.....it's hard to breathe sometimes.
So most of my life I've always compensated for that guilt she put on me. It's only recently I've started to relieve myself of that burden. She has no friends here, the only friends she had were her sisters, and now due to all this family drama since grandma has been sick, they are gone also. So there's just me. I am an only child, and now have lost all my family also, aunts, uncles, cousins.....since I've been so involved with all this family drama, I've also lost touch with all my friends, so really, my parents are all I have. If I cut them off, I have no family at all.......sometimes I'm ready to take the risk.
Ibake, I have tried over the years to talk to her about how she speaks to me, when I say anything "out of place", she hangs up on me.....and then I'll get the threat of "taking a bottle of pills and we'll all be rid of her".
Deb - I have heard you say that here many times that you now say "I'm sorry you feel that way"....I actually thought of that last night, but just couldnt get the words out......sometimes when I speak out of turn to her, she goes nuts, and just yells, and throws things.....I have always kept quiet just till the "storm passes" - this is the way I see it. I know it's wrong but it's what I was taught.
Sandra - I'm so sorry for what your mother has put you through in growing up....I dont blame you for being resentful. A mother's love can either be the most wonderful thing in the world, but can also be cruel. I've always known I have a love/hate relationship with my mother. I know she loves me, but everyone is right, she wallows in misery. In our family you almost feel "guilty" if you smile some days. Between the depression, grandma's illness and family drama and all her pains and aches, it's just so much to deal with. Her yearly mammogram is coming up.....I hope and pray it will be okay....that will about push me over the edge if there is anything else to get upset about.
Part of me would love to just be "done" with all of my family........I just dont know if I'm ready to do that. She told me also last night that she is going to send Dad down on Thursday and Friday to look after my son, because she is going to "take a break and look after herself for a change". I said "sure, okay". She's looking for me to say something, anything that she can grab onto and let loose with. I didnt give it to her.
This morning when I was getting my coffee at work, I was thinking of something said here, I think it was Diane, but I'm hoping I will reach some magical point, or have a realization where I say "enough" and have the strength to do something about all of this. Time and time again, it just makes you feel weak, that you dont have the strength to change things or to speak up. Sad part is that I know in my heart, even though she loves me, that it's her and her misery that holds me back from enjoying my life. It's not right to allow one person that much power. It is not my nature to be unhappy, it doesnt take much to make me happy. One time she gave me a statue, out of the blue of a mother and child. I was so overwhelmed I started to cry because I didnt know how to accept any sort of "unexpected gesture" from her. I'm not used to the one being "looked after"......I'm always the optimistic and strong one.....but I'm wearing down......
Once I have this baby, I will not need them to watch Nicholas, and any time she has issues, I can choose then not to be around her.....it's just so awkward right now because I dont have a backup. I wont be making the mistake of her looking after Ryan, although believe it or not, she says she wants to, 5 days a week. That will never happen, I'll stay home first.
Thanks ladies, you all mean so much to me, I'm sorry for the "book".....
Love, Caroline xo
I have just read through all your replies, and am overwhelmed by your support.....you all have said so many things that have stood out to me.
When I read through Ibake's birthday thread.......from what you all said, you would have been happy just to have your kids "wish" you a Happy Birthday.....god bless you for that.....and for not blaming them for forgetting and holding it against them. For the record, I think each of you deserves to be celebrated on your special day, and if I were your daughter I'd make sure you knew that every year! It made me realize how selfish my mom was yesterday, and again that her birthday came at a perfect time to be something she could lash out about as she has no control over what's happening with grandma.
Ladies, mom has always been like this. She has always blamed Dad and me for wanting to live here, and the fact that she was separated from her family. I moved back and forth until I was 20 and then decided "Hey I need to put down some roots here". Then I decided to live here......made that decision at the same age that she decided to move away from home, but that's different, right? She has never accepted responsibility for living somewhere she is unhappy. I know as I sit here typing this that when grandma passes, we'll have to hear all about the time she missed with her. Mom doesnt realize that the fact her mom is 95 at all means she has had alot of time with her mother that alot of people dont get to have. See, our family live in each other's pockets, always have.....it's hard to breathe sometimes.
So most of my life I've always compensated for that guilt she put on me. It's only recently I've started to relieve myself of that burden. She has no friends here, the only friends she had were her sisters, and now due to all this family drama since grandma has been sick, they are gone also. So there's just me. I am an only child, and now have lost all my family also, aunts, uncles, cousins.....since I've been so involved with all this family drama, I've also lost touch with all my friends, so really, my parents are all I have. If I cut them off, I have no family at all.......sometimes I'm ready to take the risk.
Ibake, I have tried over the years to talk to her about how she speaks to me, when I say anything "out of place", she hangs up on me.....and then I'll get the threat of "taking a bottle of pills and we'll all be rid of her".
Deb - I have heard you say that here many times that you now say "I'm sorry you feel that way"....I actually thought of that last night, but just couldnt get the words out......sometimes when I speak out of turn to her, she goes nuts, and just yells, and throws things.....I have always kept quiet just till the "storm passes" - this is the way I see it. I know it's wrong but it's what I was taught.
Sandra - I'm so sorry for what your mother has put you through in growing up....I dont blame you for being resentful. A mother's love can either be the most wonderful thing in the world, but can also be cruel. I've always known I have a love/hate relationship with my mother. I know she loves me, but everyone is right, she wallows in misery. In our family you almost feel "guilty" if you smile some days. Between the depression, grandma's illness and family drama and all her pains and aches, it's just so much to deal with. Her yearly mammogram is coming up.....I hope and pray it will be okay....that will about push me over the edge if there is anything else to get upset about.
Part of me would love to just be "done" with all of my family........I just dont know if I'm ready to do that. She told me also last night that she is going to send Dad down on Thursday and Friday to look after my son, because she is going to "take a break and look after herself for a change". I said "sure, okay". She's looking for me to say something, anything that she can grab onto and let loose with. I didnt give it to her.
This morning when I was getting my coffee at work, I was thinking of something said here, I think it was Diane, but I'm hoping I will reach some magical point, or have a realization where I say "enough" and have the strength to do something about all of this. Time and time again, it just makes you feel weak, that you dont have the strength to change things or to speak up. Sad part is that I know in my heart, even though she loves me, that it's her and her misery that holds me back from enjoying my life. It's not right to allow one person that much power. It is not my nature to be unhappy, it doesnt take much to make me happy. One time she gave me a statue, out of the blue of a mother and child. I was so overwhelmed I started to cry because I didnt know how to accept any sort of "unexpected gesture" from her. I'm not used to the one being "looked after"......I'm always the optimistic and strong one.....but I'm wearing down......
Once I have this baby, I will not need them to watch Nicholas, and any time she has issues, I can choose then not to be around her.....it's just so awkward right now because I dont have a backup. I wont be making the mistake of her looking after Ryan, although believe it or not, she says she wants to, 5 days a week. That will never happen, I'll stay home first.
Thanks ladies, you all mean so much to me, I'm sorry for the "book".....
Love, Caroline xo
ibake&pray
02-25-2009, 11:47 AM
Caroline,
You have figured out that your mother is a sick lady. Good. Now let go of it and her. You do have the courage and backbone. It just needs to get a little straighter and stronger. You are, after all, a mother of (almost) two younguns who don't need to see that type of behavior. The best thing you can do is to inform your mother that if she is going to continue to act like this, she is no longer welcome in your home. You can write it down if you like. Either way, it's done. That way you can cut the cord. You don't need her approval Caroline. You have a husband who probably adores you far more than your mother ever did or ever will love you. You need quit searching for her love because she is incapable of loving anyone else except herself. She just can't do it.
Deb is right. Now what you need to do is to practice saying whatever sentance you chose in front of the mirror several times so that it gets easy to do, then when your mom gets on one of her rants, just say in a neutral tone, I'm sorry you feel that way. and let it go. You have said your piece and can go. It is no longer your issue and you are no longer at fault nor do you care to be involved. Caroline, you need to do this for not only your own mental health, but for your childrens sake!
Hang in there. We think the world of you and your precious family and hate to see your mother pulling you down into her quagmire.....just try one baby step at a time dear. How does your dad think she is?
BTW-she would never take a bottle of pills.
You have figured out that your mother is a sick lady. Good. Now let go of it and her. You do have the courage and backbone. It just needs to get a little straighter and stronger. You are, after all, a mother of (almost) two younguns who don't need to see that type of behavior. The best thing you can do is to inform your mother that if she is going to continue to act like this, she is no longer welcome in your home. You can write it down if you like. Either way, it's done. That way you can cut the cord. You don't need her approval Caroline. You have a husband who probably adores you far more than your mother ever did or ever will love you. You need quit searching for her love because she is incapable of loving anyone else except herself. She just can't do it.
Deb is right. Now what you need to do is to practice saying whatever sentance you chose in front of the mirror several times so that it gets easy to do, then when your mom gets on one of her rants, just say in a neutral tone, I'm sorry you feel that way. and let it go. You have said your piece and can go. It is no longer your issue and you are no longer at fault nor do you care to be involved. Caroline, you need to do this for not only your own mental health, but for your childrens sake!
Hang in there. We think the world of you and your precious family and hate to see your mother pulling you down into her quagmire.....just try one baby step at a time dear. How does your dad think she is?
BTW-she would never take a bottle of pills.
carsam
02-25-2009, 12:49 PM
Hi Ibake....
You see this is what makes it so hard.....I know she does love me......and my family. I also know that doesnt excuse how she treats me when she gets like this....
I've tried so many times to take the steps to distance myself and make my feelings known, but there's always so much going on in our family, so much illness, death, her health issues, that I feel so guilty. I'm angry that it comes to this, because if I push her, she will actually be the one to cut me off for a bit, which leaves her and I both alone. It's just so unnecessary. I know I have my husband and family, that always goes without saying. All of this has definitely affected my relationship with my husband. Actually, I dont talk to him about any of this, because he's not really an "emotional" person. I can pour my heart out and he never knows what to say, and will honestly just say nothing.....so I dont bother.
I have called twice this morning, and she wont come to the phone. Dad gets a lot of abuse from her also....but he is also no angel, and I find he provokes her alot. I dont have the energy to deal with them both, you know?
It's hard to decide now with grandma being so ill, and all her tests coming up to be brave and push back........she also doesnt give me much ability to do so....if we are on the phone, she'll say her peace, and then hang up, leaving me all stifled and pent up with frustration. I could scream when she does that, it's so unfair. One time I did that to her and she hit the roof!!
The sad part is that if something happened to Grandma right now, we wouldnt pull together, it will become all about her anger.....which she should reserve for her siblings who really have treated her like dirt, not for me who is her one support system. But hey, I'm the one who ruined her birthday and takes her for granted. If she only knew.....:mad:
Love, Caroline
P.S. Thanks to everyone for helping me through these days....
You see this is what makes it so hard.....I know she does love me......and my family. I also know that doesnt excuse how she treats me when she gets like this....
I've tried so many times to take the steps to distance myself and make my feelings known, but there's always so much going on in our family, so much illness, death, her health issues, that I feel so guilty. I'm angry that it comes to this, because if I push her, she will actually be the one to cut me off for a bit, which leaves her and I both alone. It's just so unnecessary. I know I have my husband and family, that always goes without saying. All of this has definitely affected my relationship with my husband. Actually, I dont talk to him about any of this, because he's not really an "emotional" person. I can pour my heart out and he never knows what to say, and will honestly just say nothing.....so I dont bother.
I have called twice this morning, and she wont come to the phone. Dad gets a lot of abuse from her also....but he is also no angel, and I find he provokes her alot. I dont have the energy to deal with them both, you know?
It's hard to decide now with grandma being so ill, and all her tests coming up to be brave and push back........she also doesnt give me much ability to do so....if we are on the phone, she'll say her peace, and then hang up, leaving me all stifled and pent up with frustration. I could scream when she does that, it's so unfair. One time I did that to her and she hit the roof!!
The sad part is that if something happened to Grandma right now, we wouldnt pull together, it will become all about her anger.....which she should reserve for her siblings who really have treated her like dirt, not for me who is her one support system. But hey, I'm the one who ruined her birthday and takes her for granted. If she only knew.....:mad:
Love, Caroline
P.S. Thanks to everyone for helping me through these days....
Martha H
02-25-2009, 03:34 PM
Just for now, just for today, stop calling her. As hard as it is, wait. If you get through the rest of today without calling her, start tomorrow morning with the same resolve. Don't call her.
I suspect that after 3 or 4 days she will call you and possibly even be contrite. More likely she will accuse you of ignoring her, but hey, at least you didn't get hung up on those extra few times.
Take some time off. Do you pray? Do you meditate? These are very relaxing thngs to do and also a way to get back your personal balance. I don't mean praying with a shopping list of things you want done. Just communicatng with the higher power. I used to read the psalms. That always heped me immensely.
Try it. No more phonecalls for the rest of this day. Then do it again, and again.
Love,
Martha
I suspect that after 3 or 4 days she will call you and possibly even be contrite. More likely she will accuse you of ignoring her, but hey, at least you didn't get hung up on those extra few times.
Take some time off. Do you pray? Do you meditate? These are very relaxing thngs to do and also a way to get back your personal balance. I don't mean praying with a shopping list of things you want done. Just communicatng with the higher power. I used to read the psalms. That always heped me immensely.
Try it. No more phonecalls for the rest of this day. Then do it again, and again.
Love,
Martha
carsam
02-25-2009, 03:48 PM
Hi Martha.....
I do pray....although I confess I am one of those people who prays only when I need something, so I feel bad asking, you know?
In a few weeks, I will do just that, what you're saying, and if this gets resolved (or brushed under the carpet more like it)....then I will definitely not call every day. But for tomorrow and Friday, she's due to come over and watch my son. I have no backup....and I just took last Tuesday off because she was off visiting Grandma. I only have 3 and a half weeks left to work, they wont take kindly to me not coming in tomorrow.....and even then, what would I do next week? This has always been a dilemma for me.......I am so looking forward to being on maternity leave, so I dont have to have this dependency.
The last time I didnt call her......she just didnt show up, and I had no choice but to call in sick. It's so very awkward with my work.....I need to never put myself in this position again. I am always between that rock and a hard place as the saying goes.....I hope you all dont think I'm a lost cause!:(
Love, Caroline xo
I do pray....although I confess I am one of those people who prays only when I need something, so I feel bad asking, you know?
In a few weeks, I will do just that, what you're saying, and if this gets resolved (or brushed under the carpet more like it)....then I will definitely not call every day. But for tomorrow and Friday, she's due to come over and watch my son. I have no backup....and I just took last Tuesday off because she was off visiting Grandma. I only have 3 and a half weeks left to work, they wont take kindly to me not coming in tomorrow.....and even then, what would I do next week? This has always been a dilemma for me.......I am so looking forward to being on maternity leave, so I dont have to have this dependency.
The last time I didnt call her......she just didnt show up, and I had no choice but to call in sick. It's so very awkward with my work.....I need to never put myself in this position again. I am always between that rock and a hard place as the saying goes.....I hope you all dont think I'm a lost cause!:(
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
02-25-2009, 05:31 PM
Lost cause? No way! You are doing extremely well under the circumstances!
Love,
Martha
Love,
Martha
DGabriel10
02-25-2009, 06:19 PM
You said it Caroline... she puts you between the rock and the hard place and then watches you squirm. She is the poster child for "Bullies are us". The world revolves around her. She can call you and chew you out but if you say anything out of the way then you are the bad seed. She can be rude and uncaring and cruel but if you don't tow the line then you are at fault. See a pattern here. You call and she is ugly, if you don't call she is ugly. Hummmm
It's just like a child having temper tantrums in a store. She layers on the guilt and embarassment just like a child. Not wanting to be in that situation you back down. And... just like with a child if you deal with the tantrum, it will initially get worse so you really want to cave in. But just like a child, if you stand your ground it will get better.
If your Mom hangs up on you when you say anything out of the way, return the favor. When she goes into one of her rants just say, I will talk to you again when you calm down, and HANG UP! Don't call her several times a day. She will call you. If the conversation is rational then well and good but if it is abusive, HANG UP. You do need to find other arrangements for child care. She knows she has you over the barrell and she uses that. Call her bluff.
Beyond that you need friends!!! Find somebody, anybody, ask a coworker or someone you know out to lunch or dinner. Reach out to someone and see if you can form a bond that will help carry you. Get in touch with an old friend. Just hang on to us here on the board until then.
Sister 4. She would call, accuse me, blame me, and generally rant at me for everything I did. Her ace that held me over the barrell was information about my parents. I buckled, I would bend, I would try, I would do whatever it took to try to make it better... and I was not successful because it was not me that had the problem. It is her that has the problem. So I had my say with her, told her how I felt and what I thought. In return she stopped sending e-mail about my parents. Cut me off totally. I thought that would be the worst thing that could ever happen but you know what. It's not. I still call mom every day. I have contact with sister 3 and if I need to know something I can talk to her. I still have contact with sister 2 as well. Yes, I have talked to sister 4 once since there. I called Mom and she answered the phone. I ask her "How are things there". She launched into one of her dissertations which consist of all that she does. I let her ramble for a while and as soon as she took a breath I said "May I speak to Mom?" and that was the end of our conversation. There was nothing there, good or bad... which was good. But the peace of mind I have is amazing. I don't have to dread those phone calls. I don't have to listen to her negative venom. I didn't realize how much that negative venom was pulling me down. I would love to have a relationship with my sister but if there is to be one in the future, it will be on my terms and not hers. At some point, because she is needy, I believe she will come back. But for now, it is what it is.
Yes, you do teach people how to treat you. It's not easy and you may lose something in the process but you gain so much more than you lose. Your peace of mind is the most valuable thing you have. You have nothing to be guilty about. You are a phantastic person who has put up with much more than she should.
One thing you might want to do, I know I did it and it helped release the anger that is obviously built up. Go somewhere that you are totally alone and just scream your frustrations. I have the benefit of living way out in the country with few neighbors. I just went to the back pasture and let it go. I let go of years of frustration. I wish you could have heard me..... well not I don't!! I even took a few wild swings in the air. I cried a lot but I let it all go. That was a turning point for me. I don't have to go to that place any more. The other thing I did was take a deep breath and calmed myself before I said.... "Sorry you feel that way". I steeled myself against anything that might come and was prepared to walk away. Surprisingly, she walked away. My calm resolve was enough to fend her off. So hang in there, The first thing you have to do is know in your heart and soul that you want to stop the abuse, and take whatever consequences there are.
I can relate to your hubby..... I own one of those. When he walks through the den and sees me in tears he will just keep walking. He doesn't want to deal with it. Men are for the most part doers. If they can't fix it they don't want to deal with it. But you and I both know that our situations is nothing they can fix. It's something we need to do for ourselves.
Keep your thoughts as positive as you can. Postive will attract more positive. You know what you are dealing with and what you need to do. Just get yourself in the right situation and the right frame of mine and it will all turn out for the best. I'm holding on to your towel with all that I am :)
Love, deb
It's just like a child having temper tantrums in a store. She layers on the guilt and embarassment just like a child. Not wanting to be in that situation you back down. And... just like with a child if you deal with the tantrum, it will initially get worse so you really want to cave in. But just like a child, if you stand your ground it will get better.
If your Mom hangs up on you when you say anything out of the way, return the favor. When she goes into one of her rants just say, I will talk to you again when you calm down, and HANG UP! Don't call her several times a day. She will call you. If the conversation is rational then well and good but if it is abusive, HANG UP. You do need to find other arrangements for child care. She knows she has you over the barrell and she uses that. Call her bluff.
Beyond that you need friends!!! Find somebody, anybody, ask a coworker or someone you know out to lunch or dinner. Reach out to someone and see if you can form a bond that will help carry you. Get in touch with an old friend. Just hang on to us here on the board until then.
Sister 4. She would call, accuse me, blame me, and generally rant at me for everything I did. Her ace that held me over the barrell was information about my parents. I buckled, I would bend, I would try, I would do whatever it took to try to make it better... and I was not successful because it was not me that had the problem. It is her that has the problem. So I had my say with her, told her how I felt and what I thought. In return she stopped sending e-mail about my parents. Cut me off totally. I thought that would be the worst thing that could ever happen but you know what. It's not. I still call mom every day. I have contact with sister 3 and if I need to know something I can talk to her. I still have contact with sister 2 as well. Yes, I have talked to sister 4 once since there. I called Mom and she answered the phone. I ask her "How are things there". She launched into one of her dissertations which consist of all that she does. I let her ramble for a while and as soon as she took a breath I said "May I speak to Mom?" and that was the end of our conversation. There was nothing there, good or bad... which was good. But the peace of mind I have is amazing. I don't have to dread those phone calls. I don't have to listen to her negative venom. I didn't realize how much that negative venom was pulling me down. I would love to have a relationship with my sister but if there is to be one in the future, it will be on my terms and not hers. At some point, because she is needy, I believe she will come back. But for now, it is what it is.
Yes, you do teach people how to treat you. It's not easy and you may lose something in the process but you gain so much more than you lose. Your peace of mind is the most valuable thing you have. You have nothing to be guilty about. You are a phantastic person who has put up with much more than she should.
One thing you might want to do, I know I did it and it helped release the anger that is obviously built up. Go somewhere that you are totally alone and just scream your frustrations. I have the benefit of living way out in the country with few neighbors. I just went to the back pasture and let it go. I let go of years of frustration. I wish you could have heard me..... well not I don't!! I even took a few wild swings in the air. I cried a lot but I let it all go. That was a turning point for me. I don't have to go to that place any more. The other thing I did was take a deep breath and calmed myself before I said.... "Sorry you feel that way". I steeled myself against anything that might come and was prepared to walk away. Surprisingly, she walked away. My calm resolve was enough to fend her off. So hang in there, The first thing you have to do is know in your heart and soul that you want to stop the abuse, and take whatever consequences there are.
I can relate to your hubby..... I own one of those. When he walks through the den and sees me in tears he will just keep walking. He doesn't want to deal with it. Men are for the most part doers. If they can't fix it they don't want to deal with it. But you and I both know that our situations is nothing they can fix. It's something we need to do for ourselves.
Keep your thoughts as positive as you can. Postive will attract more positive. You know what you are dealing with and what you need to do. Just get yourself in the right situation and the right frame of mine and it will all turn out for the best. I'm holding on to your towel with all that I am :)
Love, deb
ibake&pray
02-25-2009, 08:55 PM
Caroline,I too, am holding onto that towel.
You honey, need to find a support group. How about mothers and babies? I know that there are groups for moms with little ones. Why not find one for you and ryan, and Nicholas (isn't it?). Take him to a tumbling class and meet the other mothers. Try a Gymboree class. Go to the park. Call the church. Ask for help. If you are desparate enough you can find mothers that have little ones that will be willing to befreind you. Join a babysitting co-op. You can get out of this bind. And no, we don't think you are dumb for getting in this situation. Deb is right on the money about your mom. She is much like a bully on the playground isn't she? Damned if you do and d#mned if you don't...sigh. What an awful way to live your life..but then I think she likes terrorizing everybodies lives like this.
At this point it might be worth calling in a sitter service for the few days that you need them before you go on maternity leave. Do you have a neighbor that you could ask in a pinch? Isn't there a daycare provider around that you could use?
Martha is right. You need to let go and let god...and start doing it now-not when this is all over, NOW. You need to release the stress and tension. You don't have to ask him for anything, just ask him to take over, that's all. You would be amazed...because you need to have your personal balance back.
And try just this once for us....don't call her. for just this one day, don't call her. Let the next call come from her. Don't go grovelling to her. Try for just one day...'k?
And my dear. we think you are quite amazing all things considered..so keep your chin up and hang onto that towel because we are holding tight to the other end to help you through...
remember every journey starts with one small step...
You honey, need to find a support group. How about mothers and babies? I know that there are groups for moms with little ones. Why not find one for you and ryan, and Nicholas (isn't it?). Take him to a tumbling class and meet the other mothers. Try a Gymboree class. Go to the park. Call the church. Ask for help. If you are desparate enough you can find mothers that have little ones that will be willing to befreind you. Join a babysitting co-op. You can get out of this bind. And no, we don't think you are dumb for getting in this situation. Deb is right on the money about your mom. She is much like a bully on the playground isn't she? Damned if you do and d#mned if you don't...sigh. What an awful way to live your life..but then I think she likes terrorizing everybodies lives like this.
At this point it might be worth calling in a sitter service for the few days that you need them before you go on maternity leave. Do you have a neighbor that you could ask in a pinch? Isn't there a daycare provider around that you could use?
Martha is right. You need to let go and let god...and start doing it now-not when this is all over, NOW. You need to release the stress and tension. You don't have to ask him for anything, just ask him to take over, that's all. You would be amazed...because you need to have your personal balance back.
And try just this once for us....don't call her. for just this one day, don't call her. Let the next call come from her. Don't go grovelling to her. Try for just one day...'k?
And my dear. we think you are quite amazing all things considered..so keep your chin up and hang onto that towel because we are holding tight to the other end to help you through...
remember every journey starts with one small step...
carsam
02-26-2009, 02:34 PM
Hi ladies....
I am amazed in just this one thread how well you have come to understand my situation...I've never talked about it here before, just the stuff to do with Grandma.....
Dad is looking after my son today....and mom is still isolating herself in her house. When I got home last night, I decided not to call. But of course then she called me, yelled something, and then hung up. She did that a few times, when I tried to speak, she hung up. She is so angry towards me. I dont know at this point if I am more upset with her or myself for not being able to stop fretting about this, especially in my condition......
I just cant wait till a few weeks from now when she cant hold this babysitting thing over my head. If I had longer than that I would consider changing the arrangement, but I dont want to throw my son into anything foreign right now. He's extremely sensitive to change.
Of course she has called Uncle today.....doesnt matter what else is happening, nothing will stop those calls.......easy to see where her priorities lie.
Another day......
Love, Caroline xo
I am amazed in just this one thread how well you have come to understand my situation...I've never talked about it here before, just the stuff to do with Grandma.....
Dad is looking after my son today....and mom is still isolating herself in her house. When I got home last night, I decided not to call. But of course then she called me, yelled something, and then hung up. She did that a few times, when I tried to speak, she hung up. She is so angry towards me. I dont know at this point if I am more upset with her or myself for not being able to stop fretting about this, especially in my condition......
I just cant wait till a few weeks from now when she cant hold this babysitting thing over my head. If I had longer than that I would consider changing the arrangement, but I dont want to throw my son into anything foreign right now. He's extremely sensitive to change.
Of course she has called Uncle today.....doesnt matter what else is happening, nothing will stop those calls.......easy to see where her priorities lie.
Another day......
Love, Caroline xo
caringsister54
02-26-2009, 02:43 PM
Caroline
We can only be responsible for ourselves. If we feel bad its because we let others make us feel bad, etc.
You need to spend time with your family (husband, son and baby) that should be your priority.
Your mother could have some manic depressive/bi-polar thing going on and it has nothing absolutely nothing to do with you.
I forgot, are you an only child? If not, then you need to talk with your siblings and let them in on what your mother is doing with you.
Your mother and father would do well to get some other outside interests.
And as far as your child is concerned? You say he doesn't do well with change. Well honey, there's going to be a lot of changes happening in his life as he goes forward. Kids are very resilient. They have to adapt to changes with teachers, classmates, etc. If you don't do changes now and show him how to accept them and deal with them in rational ways, then you will have a problem doing it under the gun when he's in school.
Sometimes the obstacles you throw up to us when we offer suggestions, we know (and love you for it) that its more you with your fears -- than actual.
And you know what -- that's okay -- you are human, your hormones are raging and it more important that you take care of your stress level. You don't want a child born hyper active! -- lol.
Please make yourself a nice cup of camomile tea and relax. Know that we all here love you very much
Diane
We can only be responsible for ourselves. If we feel bad its because we let others make us feel bad, etc.
You need to spend time with your family (husband, son and baby) that should be your priority.
Your mother could have some manic depressive/bi-polar thing going on and it has nothing absolutely nothing to do with you.
I forgot, are you an only child? If not, then you need to talk with your siblings and let them in on what your mother is doing with you.
Your mother and father would do well to get some other outside interests.
And as far as your child is concerned? You say he doesn't do well with change. Well honey, there's going to be a lot of changes happening in his life as he goes forward. Kids are very resilient. They have to adapt to changes with teachers, classmates, etc. If you don't do changes now and show him how to accept them and deal with them in rational ways, then you will have a problem doing it under the gun when he's in school.
Sometimes the obstacles you throw up to us when we offer suggestions, we know (and love you for it) that its more you with your fears -- than actual.
And you know what -- that's okay -- you are human, your hormones are raging and it more important that you take care of your stress level. You don't want a child born hyper active! -- lol.
Please make yourself a nice cup of camomile tea and relax. Know that we all here love you very much
Diane
DGabriel10
02-27-2009, 12:21 AM
She hangs up... and so can you. Otherwise listen to blah blah blah while you mind is somewhere else. You know her rants are pointless and irrational so don't take it to heart. If you listen to all that your Mom ther says, very similar to my sister, you will eat yourself up. So if you need to put up with it for a few more weeks just focus on something entirely different and let her blah blah blah until she hangs up. You don't have to even listen to the words she says, the inflection in her voice is enough to let you know if it is going to be a good conversation or a bad. If it's good... go with it. If it's bad.... blah blah blah click!
One of the hardest things for us humans to do is not to put value in the opinions of others. But when we know those opinions are harmful we truly need to recognize them as such and put no value in them.
I do hope tomorrow is better and hope you can relax just a little :)
Love, deb
One of the hardest things for us humans to do is not to put value in the opinions of others. But when we know those opinions are harmful we truly need to recognize them as such and put no value in them.
I do hope tomorrow is better and hope you can relax just a little :)
Love, deb
carsam
02-27-2009, 11:07 AM
Hi everyone....
Well....it was a really horrible evening, I received call after call of ranting and hang ups until around 10:30 I couldnt take it anymore. I got dressed and went over there.....and told her to just get it overwith to my face and stop hanging up on me. She basically told me to look after my own "kids" from now on....I'm selfish.....I want her to get cancer again.......I can go on and on. Also she took a bunch of sleeping pills and kept screaming for me to "get out". I asked her to think for a second and then answer me if she really meant all she was saying and she said "yes", so I said fine.
I looked at my poor father and said, I will manage tomorrow in regards to Nicholas, he said "ok". I went home and exploded to my husband, and think I may have gotten an hours sleep last night.
My husband had to stay home this morning, I'm sure his boss is less than impressed. I have my doctors appointment later this morning, and then I am going home right after. I broke down with my boss this morning, feel like such an idiot. Its so hard to be in the work environment when you feel so emotionally fragile. People asking what's wrong, and are you "okay"? Those words are so powerful, and can just break down the thin wall that's holding you together. I dont know what I'm going to do......but I'm not calling today, and I'm trying to manage on my own.
Dont know how grandma is doing but sadly right now, god forgive me, it's the least of my worries. She told me last night she is "done", and sadly so am I. If only I didnt live two doors away......
It is 10am, and exactly 5 weeks from this moment, I will be in surgery and my son will be born. No matter what happens in the coming weeks, I will never ever forgive her for exploding like this at this point in time. This will be a grudge I hold forever.....
Thanks ladies for listening....
Caroline xo
Well....it was a really horrible evening, I received call after call of ranting and hang ups until around 10:30 I couldnt take it anymore. I got dressed and went over there.....and told her to just get it overwith to my face and stop hanging up on me. She basically told me to look after my own "kids" from now on....I'm selfish.....I want her to get cancer again.......I can go on and on. Also she took a bunch of sleeping pills and kept screaming for me to "get out". I asked her to think for a second and then answer me if she really meant all she was saying and she said "yes", so I said fine.
I looked at my poor father and said, I will manage tomorrow in regards to Nicholas, he said "ok". I went home and exploded to my husband, and think I may have gotten an hours sleep last night.
My husband had to stay home this morning, I'm sure his boss is less than impressed. I have my doctors appointment later this morning, and then I am going home right after. I broke down with my boss this morning, feel like such an idiot. Its so hard to be in the work environment when you feel so emotionally fragile. People asking what's wrong, and are you "okay"? Those words are so powerful, and can just break down the thin wall that's holding you together. I dont know what I'm going to do......but I'm not calling today, and I'm trying to manage on my own.
Dont know how grandma is doing but sadly right now, god forgive me, it's the least of my worries. She told me last night she is "done", and sadly so am I. If only I didnt live two doors away......
It is 10am, and exactly 5 weeks from this moment, I will be in surgery and my son will be born. No matter what happens in the coming weeks, I will never ever forgive her for exploding like this at this point in time. This will be a grudge I hold forever.....
Thanks ladies for listening....
Caroline xo
caringsister54
02-27-2009, 11:24 AM
okay,
you got slammed. You feel overwhelmed because of the hormones. Do you belong to a church? if so, reach out to them for babysitting support over the next couple of days OR better yet., find all the pretty, cute daycare centers around and just see if you can let your son go for a few days until the baby comes.
What about husband's family, no sisters, brothers, etc. There's got to be somewhere or someone who will swoop down into your life and give you the support. I know if I lived nearby it would be me in a heartbeat.
Companies have to be able to juggle work/family commitments. Tell your doctor of the situation, the nurses or someone may know of support systems to help you.
Your mother is a vindictive, selfish, woman and whether or not she calls your Uncle or whatever, she is only involved in herself. Those pills aren't helping.
If she was ranting, your father should've stepped in and dealt with it. He needs to get a backbone.
As I said, I thought there's a lot more going on with your mother than anything. I think she's mentally ill and not in control of her life. So that's it in the nutshell. There is support out there, you just isolated yourself with your mother and father that you don't see what's around you.
Once you step out the door and breath in the sunshine and God's love, it'll all fall into place. I guarantee it.
Love
Diane
you got slammed. You feel overwhelmed because of the hormones. Do you belong to a church? if so, reach out to them for babysitting support over the next couple of days OR better yet., find all the pretty, cute daycare centers around and just see if you can let your son go for a few days until the baby comes.
What about husband's family, no sisters, brothers, etc. There's got to be somewhere or someone who will swoop down into your life and give you the support. I know if I lived nearby it would be me in a heartbeat.
Companies have to be able to juggle work/family commitments. Tell your doctor of the situation, the nurses or someone may know of support systems to help you.
Your mother is a vindictive, selfish, woman and whether or not she calls your Uncle or whatever, she is only involved in herself. Those pills aren't helping.
If she was ranting, your father should've stepped in and dealt with it. He needs to get a backbone.
As I said, I thought there's a lot more going on with your mother than anything. I think she's mentally ill and not in control of her life. So that's it in the nutshell. There is support out there, you just isolated yourself with your mother and father that you don't see what's around you.
Once you step out the door and breath in the sunshine and God's love, it'll all fall into place. I guarantee it.
Love
Diane
Drews Gram
02-27-2009, 11:50 AM
Dear Caroline,
I've been gone for two days and I'm just now catching up with your posts. My husband and I went to our lake house and did some yard work to "get away" from Moms calls for awhile.
Your Mom is a "bully" just like deb said. The things she does to you I just can't relate to. I don't know a Mom who does these kind of things to their daughter much less to their pregnant daughter. Wait a minute.......yes I do. My daughter-in-law's Mom sounds somewhat like your Mom and she still has a hold on her that strangles this girl if she doesn't stroke her Mom daily. Now my DIL is the sweetest person I have ever met and we love her very much but the hold her Mom has on her is terrible. Her mother is a very needy and sick lady. Of course she refuses to take medication for her depression because there is nothing wrong with her??? Her mother will make her life miserable if she tries to point out that she is unreasonable and the guilt trips are not going to work. It only makes her miserable because her Mom will hang up on her for days and my sweet DIL will wind up unable to sleep or function until the problem is resolved. So I do understand Caroline what you go through with a Mom who behaves like a spoiled child. This lady knows her daughter can't handle the pressure and will eventually cave in and try her best to "make up" and beg her Mom to talk to her. Thats just MEAN, no other word for that kind of behavior. I don't give advice any more because I see what the end result is on my DIL and my son. Not to mention the kids know that their Mom is upset and the entire house is sad. Not a good thing. So I keep my mouth shut and just give her an understanding ear and tell her she is not to blame that her Mom is ill and I love her.
So dear Caroline thats what I'm going to do for you. Come here and vent and talk to us. In your condition now, stress is the last thing you need. A big fight with Mom would only make you crazy with all of the hormones raging. Just try to stay calm because you have a big job ahead of you sweetie and we are looking forward to Ryans birth. :)
Love and Hugs,
Chris
I've been gone for two days and I'm just now catching up with your posts. My husband and I went to our lake house and did some yard work to "get away" from Moms calls for awhile.
Your Mom is a "bully" just like deb said. The things she does to you I just can't relate to. I don't know a Mom who does these kind of things to their daughter much less to their pregnant daughter. Wait a minute.......yes I do. My daughter-in-law's Mom sounds somewhat like your Mom and she still has a hold on her that strangles this girl if she doesn't stroke her Mom daily. Now my DIL is the sweetest person I have ever met and we love her very much but the hold her Mom has on her is terrible. Her mother is a very needy and sick lady. Of course she refuses to take medication for her depression because there is nothing wrong with her??? Her mother will make her life miserable if she tries to point out that she is unreasonable and the guilt trips are not going to work. It only makes her miserable because her Mom will hang up on her for days and my sweet DIL will wind up unable to sleep or function until the problem is resolved. So I do understand Caroline what you go through with a Mom who behaves like a spoiled child. This lady knows her daughter can't handle the pressure and will eventually cave in and try her best to "make up" and beg her Mom to talk to her. Thats just MEAN, no other word for that kind of behavior. I don't give advice any more because I see what the end result is on my DIL and my son. Not to mention the kids know that their Mom is upset and the entire house is sad. Not a good thing. So I keep my mouth shut and just give her an understanding ear and tell her she is not to blame that her Mom is ill and I love her.
So dear Caroline thats what I'm going to do for you. Come here and vent and talk to us. In your condition now, stress is the last thing you need. A big fight with Mom would only make you crazy with all of the hormones raging. Just try to stay calm because you have a big job ahead of you sweetie and we are looking forward to Ryans birth. :)
Love and Hugs,
Chris
Martha H
02-27-2009, 11:58 AM
Dear Caroline.
I think your mother has Alzheimer's Disease. Maybe she is in an early stage, but her grasp on reality is already broken. If not that,some other mental illness.
She needs help, an evaluation, medication. This has nothing to do with her cancer, so she must be evaluated by a mental health person.
You can NOT be the one to a broach this subject or take her to a doctor, but your father can and must. Using any of the usual excuses we have discussed when people are afraid to take their loved one to a doctor because ''she doesn't want to go", he can get her evaluated. Wouldn't it be a strange twist of fate if it turns out she as AD like her mother? And wouldn't that explain and excuse so much of what has been going on? Or if she has life long bipolar illness and stopped taking her lithium or other drug, this is the result - she needs help.
You need distance. Stay away, make other arrangements for your son. Don't call, don't pick up the phone. If it's anyone else you can call them back. Get your strength built up for the upcoming birth. Then discuss with your husband and your father what to do about Mom. If she behaves when on medication, he has to see to it that she gets it and takes it. This behavior is not just her being angry with you for imagined neglect. She is sick. I didn't see it right way because I was all caught up in your Grandma's being sick.
I pray for a speedy solution! A friend of ours has BiPolar and on pills she is WELL. She has asked all of us to tell her if she is acting weird - so she never forgets the pills ...
Love,
Martha ... ps: this just occurred to me - I believe all your info about your Grandma and Uncle and the dyfunctional family all gets to you through your Mom. Can it be, is it possible that she is giving you info that comes out of her own delusions and faulty thinking, and all your aunts and uncles are NOT being horrible, neglectful, etc???
I think your mother has Alzheimer's Disease. Maybe she is in an early stage, but her grasp on reality is already broken. If not that,some other mental illness.
She needs help, an evaluation, medication. This has nothing to do with her cancer, so she must be evaluated by a mental health person.
You can NOT be the one to a broach this subject or take her to a doctor, but your father can and must. Using any of the usual excuses we have discussed when people are afraid to take their loved one to a doctor because ''she doesn't want to go", he can get her evaluated. Wouldn't it be a strange twist of fate if it turns out she as AD like her mother? And wouldn't that explain and excuse so much of what has been going on? Or if she has life long bipolar illness and stopped taking her lithium or other drug, this is the result - she needs help.
You need distance. Stay away, make other arrangements for your son. Don't call, don't pick up the phone. If it's anyone else you can call them back. Get your strength built up for the upcoming birth. Then discuss with your husband and your father what to do about Mom. If she behaves when on medication, he has to see to it that she gets it and takes it. This behavior is not just her being angry with you for imagined neglect. She is sick. I didn't see it right way because I was all caught up in your Grandma's being sick.
I pray for a speedy solution! A friend of ours has BiPolar and on pills she is WELL. She has asked all of us to tell her if she is acting weird - so she never forgets the pills ...
Love,
Martha ... ps: this just occurred to me - I believe all your info about your Grandma and Uncle and the dyfunctional family all gets to you through your Mom. Can it be, is it possible that she is giving you info that comes out of her own delusions and faulty thinking, and all your aunts and uncles are NOT being horrible, neglectful, etc???
meg1230
02-27-2009, 12:05 PM
Oh my goodness...this is so tragic to be happening at all much less 5 weeks before you deliver.
My mother too went through an ugly hateful stage and I just couldn't believe that she would treat me, her daughter, like that. I cried so much. I felt like I had expereinced a loss as severe as death to experince her hatred toward me....for me, it was the disease my mom has. It tooks us quite a while to get her past that (with diagnosis and medication!) and now she is sweet and a pleasure to be with...for the most part and for now!
People would tell me it is the disease and that they attack the one closest to them..so this makes me wonder...do you think your mom could be a victim of the disease too? But no matter what the answer to that is..right now you need to take care of you and your family...you need to let your dad handle what he can because you have got to back away from this...at least temporarily. You can take so much and I think you have reached over your limit.
Listen to me...just telling you what to do. Hah!
I just wanted to tell you that I know that hatred coming from my mother's mouth and what it feels like. In her right mind she would be devastated to know what she had done but no matter whether your mom has always been like this or not you need need need to put a stop to it.
And you live two doors away...I lived across the street so again I understand. I would look out my window and see my mother...the woman who hated me and blamed me for everything, leave her driveway, go on about her life without me and it would just kill me.
I'm sure you'll get better advice from the more eloquent people here.. I just wanted to let you know I understand.
Hang on, kiddo..
Love, Meg
My mother too went through an ugly hateful stage and I just couldn't believe that she would treat me, her daughter, like that. I cried so much. I felt like I had expereinced a loss as severe as death to experince her hatred toward me....for me, it was the disease my mom has. It tooks us quite a while to get her past that (with diagnosis and medication!) and now she is sweet and a pleasure to be with...for the most part and for now!
People would tell me it is the disease and that they attack the one closest to them..so this makes me wonder...do you think your mom could be a victim of the disease too? But no matter what the answer to that is..right now you need to take care of you and your family...you need to let your dad handle what he can because you have got to back away from this...at least temporarily. You can take so much and I think you have reached over your limit.
Listen to me...just telling you what to do. Hah!
I just wanted to tell you that I know that hatred coming from my mother's mouth and what it feels like. In her right mind she would be devastated to know what she had done but no matter whether your mom has always been like this or not you need need need to put a stop to it.
And you live two doors away...I lived across the street so again I understand. I would look out my window and see my mother...the woman who hated me and blamed me for everything, leave her driveway, go on about her life without me and it would just kill me.
I'm sure you'll get better advice from the more eloquent people here.. I just wanted to let you know I understand.
Hang on, kiddo..
Love, Meg
DGabriel10
02-27-2009, 12:38 PM
Bless you Caroline. It just stuns me how cruel your Mother is to you. I agree with the others that she has to have some sickness that is creating this situation but you have to take care of yourself first, especially now. You absolutely need to separate yourself for now for your health and for the health of Ryan.
It is not easy but you can separate yourself from the negative energy that she heaps on your head. You do need to find other child care arrangements immediately. You don't want Nicholas in that situation!! I have dealt with this same situation with my MIL.... and I have not spoken to her or seen her in 7 years. Hubby does stay in limited contact with her but I am not included. She ask me not to come.... and I have not been back. It bothered me for a while but in hind sight, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
As for your father, yes he needs to grow a backbone. I can't believe he allowed her to treat you that way and didn't stand up for you. Even if Mom has a disease Dad should at least come to your rescue, and again I will stay especially at this time. Yes, you do need to talk to him and get him to understand that Mom is sick and something HAS to be done.
And you need to steel yourself against her vicious attacks. You know they are going to come and you absolutely need distance and resolve. Don't feel badly about breaking down with your boss or accepting caring from your coworkers. You may just find a bonded friend in that bunch. If they are recognizing that there is something amiss in your life then they care enough to become a friend. Let them in. The best way to find a friend is to reach out.
Not sure about your area but here the YMCA has babysitting classes and also a list of qualified sitters. They have to have taken the course and have recommendations to be a part of the network. Check with your Church and see if they know anybody. They may be aware of somebody that needs to job as much as you need the help. It's a moment to gather up whatever you have left in you and find solutions.
Give your hubby a great big hug for last night and today. Tell him how important his support is. Hang on to him and Nicholas and Ryan. They will carry you through this horrible ordeal. You are right, your grandmother's situation is what it is. That is not your major concern at this moment. Your mother is ill and though that is occupying most of your concern right now you have to put yourself, your hubby, Nicholas and Ryan first.... keep those four foremost in your mind for now.
For now you have the force of this board and all the great people here behind you. Yes, you can come here and vent and gain strength and find support any time you need it. We are here for you. What I would really like to do is have a come to jesus meeting with your Mom and Dad :::GRRR:::
Love, deb
It is not easy but you can separate yourself from the negative energy that she heaps on your head. You do need to find other child care arrangements immediately. You don't want Nicholas in that situation!! I have dealt with this same situation with my MIL.... and I have not spoken to her or seen her in 7 years. Hubby does stay in limited contact with her but I am not included. She ask me not to come.... and I have not been back. It bothered me for a while but in hind sight, it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
As for your father, yes he needs to grow a backbone. I can't believe he allowed her to treat you that way and didn't stand up for you. Even if Mom has a disease Dad should at least come to your rescue, and again I will stay especially at this time. Yes, you do need to talk to him and get him to understand that Mom is sick and something HAS to be done.
And you need to steel yourself against her vicious attacks. You know they are going to come and you absolutely need distance and resolve. Don't feel badly about breaking down with your boss or accepting caring from your coworkers. You may just find a bonded friend in that bunch. If they are recognizing that there is something amiss in your life then they care enough to become a friend. Let them in. The best way to find a friend is to reach out.
Not sure about your area but here the YMCA has babysitting classes and also a list of qualified sitters. They have to have taken the course and have recommendations to be a part of the network. Check with your Church and see if they know anybody. They may be aware of somebody that needs to job as much as you need the help. It's a moment to gather up whatever you have left in you and find solutions.
Give your hubby a great big hug for last night and today. Tell him how important his support is. Hang on to him and Nicholas and Ryan. They will carry you through this horrible ordeal. You are right, your grandmother's situation is what it is. That is not your major concern at this moment. Your mother is ill and though that is occupying most of your concern right now you have to put yourself, your hubby, Nicholas and Ryan first.... keep those four foremost in your mind for now.
For now you have the force of this board and all the great people here behind you. Yes, you can come here and vent and gain strength and find support any time you need it. We are here for you. What I would really like to do is have a come to jesus meeting with your Mom and Dad :::GRRR:::
Love, deb
ibake&pray
02-27-2009, 01:44 PM
My dear CAroline.
How I hurt for you... Now listen to us all here. We love you dearly.
You will forgive your mother. But you won't forget. Because you are so much better of a person than she is. YOu will forgive, but you will remember the hurt and anger and feeling of betrayal and loss.
Now get on the phone and find a day care and explain that you have had a family emergency and need a place for Nicholas for a short time. sound anxious and ill and pregnant...which you are. You can do this. There has got to be a day care or drop in that you can find. Or a grand ma in the area. Even it if costs an arm and a leg at this point YOU DON"T CARE as long as it is safe and secure. If my co worker can find day care here in DC within a week, for her 3 year old, you can find it there. With the economy the way it is, I am sure that if you look in the paper or post an add in the local paper you would get many answers to it. You can find someone to watch your little guy quite easily. We know that you have the resources to do this! And this is the weekend so you have the time. Check in the local grocery stores for ads of folks. There are day care ads there or people looking for work...desparate times/desparate measures...
Your mother is jealous of you and your family, you know. I think that she resents that you have a happy and loving relationship with soon-to-be two children and she resents it, and for some reason she is taking it out on you. I also agree with Diane that I think that she has some mental issues going on. She needs to get into the care of a good doctor. This is more than just stress over her mother, this is some sort of psychosis. And until it is taken care of, you need to steer clear and keep the kiddo clear also. I only hope that your dad can help her see reason.
Now dear one, deep breath. You have done what you can. YOu now need to focus on you and yours. Focus on your family. Why not use that gift cert on you and hubby and son. Go and make it a family bonding time. Re connect and a three some.
Now, one more thing. Go and hug your hubby and tell him how much you love him and appreciate him for all he puts up with from your mother. Tell him that there is a line of towels that you aren't going to cross ever again. (he doesn't have to understand). Tell him that words can't express how much love you have for him and you know how hard this has been on him..And tell him that you appolizise for you your mother...
Last thing...Don't doubt who you are or who you have become. One young caring compassionate mother who looks out for her friends and loved ones. Someone who any of us here would love to call a daughter or DIL. We are all proud of you and how far you have come in the past year. So stand up as tall as Ryan will let you, dry your tears and smile at the gift of life god has given you and the chance to change your future as a family. Open the windows of your house, air out the upset and trauma and let in the fresh air of rebirth and renewal. We are all here for you dear girl...
How I hurt for you... Now listen to us all here. We love you dearly.
You will forgive your mother. But you won't forget. Because you are so much better of a person than she is. YOu will forgive, but you will remember the hurt and anger and feeling of betrayal and loss.
Now get on the phone and find a day care and explain that you have had a family emergency and need a place for Nicholas for a short time. sound anxious and ill and pregnant...which you are. You can do this. There has got to be a day care or drop in that you can find. Or a grand ma in the area. Even it if costs an arm and a leg at this point YOU DON"T CARE as long as it is safe and secure. If my co worker can find day care here in DC within a week, for her 3 year old, you can find it there. With the economy the way it is, I am sure that if you look in the paper or post an add in the local paper you would get many answers to it. You can find someone to watch your little guy quite easily. We know that you have the resources to do this! And this is the weekend so you have the time. Check in the local grocery stores for ads of folks. There are day care ads there or people looking for work...desparate times/desparate measures...
Your mother is jealous of you and your family, you know. I think that she resents that you have a happy and loving relationship with soon-to-be two children and she resents it, and for some reason she is taking it out on you. I also agree with Diane that I think that she has some mental issues going on. She needs to get into the care of a good doctor. This is more than just stress over her mother, this is some sort of psychosis. And until it is taken care of, you need to steer clear and keep the kiddo clear also. I only hope that your dad can help her see reason.
Now dear one, deep breath. You have done what you can. YOu now need to focus on you and yours. Focus on your family. Why not use that gift cert on you and hubby and son. Go and make it a family bonding time. Re connect and a three some.
Now, one more thing. Go and hug your hubby and tell him how much you love him and appreciate him for all he puts up with from your mother. Tell him that there is a line of towels that you aren't going to cross ever again. (he doesn't have to understand). Tell him that words can't express how much love you have for him and you know how hard this has been on him..And tell him that you appolizise for you your mother...
Last thing...Don't doubt who you are or who you have become. One young caring compassionate mother who looks out for her friends and loved ones. Someone who any of us here would love to call a daughter or DIL. We are all proud of you and how far you have come in the past year. So stand up as tall as Ryan will let you, dry your tears and smile at the gift of life god has given you and the chance to change your future as a family. Open the windows of your house, air out the upset and trauma and let in the fresh air of rebirth and renewal. We are all here for you dear girl...
carsam
02-27-2009, 03:39 PM
Dearest friends....
It has taken me a little bit to gather myself and find the words to respond here. When I got home I read through your messages, and as each one made more and more tears come, it felt like you were all sitting right here in my kitchen. Each one of you has said something in your post that has really jumped out at me, at the moment I'm trying to process everything......sometimes I worry if I'm not strong enough to take such wonderful advice, people will tire of giving it, and I could understand that.
I just called once this morning, which actually is a step for me believe it or not, I've usually called 5 or 6 times by now. I just said "calmly" that I was just seeing if they were okay and of course I got no response on the other end from her, as my dad picked up, I said "okay then", and let him go. I cannot get myself in a state like I did last night.
I dont belong to a church....so I'm not able to come up with something on that end quickly. But I've asked my husband to speak to his parents and see if they can take my son on two days next week and the week after should we need them to. I've already explained this to my son.......and he seems a little confused about it, as he's never actually been "left" with his other grandparents, just visited them. Either way, they are his grandparents, and I know they love him, so if it happens this way, I will know it may not be the "usual" arrangement, but he will still feel safe and secure. If I can just get through the next couple of weeks managing I can get by I hope.
I'm so grateful for all your help.....and grateful honestly that the moderators have not closed this thread due to the length and also it's a little off topic here. Yes, my mom does suffer from depression.....always has......I've dealt with it all my growing up years. About two years ago, before grandma got really bad, she did go on some medication for it, was on it for about 5 months or so, and my god, it was wonderful. She even admitted how much better she felt. I would joke with her that I would have "spiked her coffee" long before then had I known what a positive thing it would be. But she started having vision problems with the meds and came off them. Her vision problems make it hard for her to go on antidepressants, she has to watch apparently because she has borderline glaucoma. I am sure her health issues and grandma's deteriorating condition has just wreaked havoc with her depression.
Martha - oh god help me if she has the same thing as grandma...I dont even want to think of that. As for the things about our family......I agree, alot of what she says could be let's say "stretched"....at least......but I also have seen my family's antics firsthand, and I know they are just not good people. They are all "victims", each one "sicker than the other"......and she is just like them.
Chris - god bless you for the support you give to your DIL. If she is anything like me, she must love you a whole lot for standing behind her, even though I'm sure you'd wish for her to stand up more for herself.
Deb/Ibake/Martha/Meg/Chris/Diane.....I dont want to forget to thank any of you from the bottom of my heart.....please know I have read, and reread all of your words, and they are in my mind......and they are what is getting me through this right now.......I really dont know what I'd do without you all right now.......
On a positive note....I went to the doctors today, and surprisingly my blood pressure was fine. Baby is doing fine....thank God.
Love you all,
Caroline xo
It has taken me a little bit to gather myself and find the words to respond here. When I got home I read through your messages, and as each one made more and more tears come, it felt like you were all sitting right here in my kitchen. Each one of you has said something in your post that has really jumped out at me, at the moment I'm trying to process everything......sometimes I worry if I'm not strong enough to take such wonderful advice, people will tire of giving it, and I could understand that.
I just called once this morning, which actually is a step for me believe it or not, I've usually called 5 or 6 times by now. I just said "calmly" that I was just seeing if they were okay and of course I got no response on the other end from her, as my dad picked up, I said "okay then", and let him go. I cannot get myself in a state like I did last night.
I dont belong to a church....so I'm not able to come up with something on that end quickly. But I've asked my husband to speak to his parents and see if they can take my son on two days next week and the week after should we need them to. I've already explained this to my son.......and he seems a little confused about it, as he's never actually been "left" with his other grandparents, just visited them. Either way, they are his grandparents, and I know they love him, so if it happens this way, I will know it may not be the "usual" arrangement, but he will still feel safe and secure. If I can just get through the next couple of weeks managing I can get by I hope.
I'm so grateful for all your help.....and grateful honestly that the moderators have not closed this thread due to the length and also it's a little off topic here. Yes, my mom does suffer from depression.....always has......I've dealt with it all my growing up years. About two years ago, before grandma got really bad, she did go on some medication for it, was on it for about 5 months or so, and my god, it was wonderful. She even admitted how much better she felt. I would joke with her that I would have "spiked her coffee" long before then had I known what a positive thing it would be. But she started having vision problems with the meds and came off them. Her vision problems make it hard for her to go on antidepressants, she has to watch apparently because she has borderline glaucoma. I am sure her health issues and grandma's deteriorating condition has just wreaked havoc with her depression.
Martha - oh god help me if she has the same thing as grandma...I dont even want to think of that. As for the things about our family......I agree, alot of what she says could be let's say "stretched"....at least......but I also have seen my family's antics firsthand, and I know they are just not good people. They are all "victims", each one "sicker than the other"......and she is just like them.
Chris - god bless you for the support you give to your DIL. If she is anything like me, she must love you a whole lot for standing behind her, even though I'm sure you'd wish for her to stand up more for herself.
Deb/Ibake/Martha/Meg/Chris/Diane.....I dont want to forget to thank any of you from the bottom of my heart.....please know I have read, and reread all of your words, and they are in my mind......and they are what is getting me through this right now.......I really dont know what I'd do without you all right now.......
On a positive note....I went to the doctors today, and surprisingly my blood pressure was fine. Baby is doing fine....thank God.
Love you all,
Caroline xo
caringsister54
02-27-2009, 05:00 PM
Dear Caroline
Don't fret, no sweat
no tears, no fears
you have friends
right to the end
we will never let you go.
We love you as much as if you were standing in front of us. We'll beat you over the head or swat your butt (whatever it takes) to get you to understand that you are not responsible for anyone else but you, your husband's happiness and wellbeing, Nicholas and soon to be Ryan.
If you had a life outside of your mother and father, you'd find a whole world out there.
You better listen to an experienced mother here -- I have two great kids who are 25 and 22. And you know why they're good? Glad you asked . . .
We put them in organized sports as soon as they were five. My son was in Little League, school basketball, and town bowling league. My daughter was in Little League, then cheerleading, and town bowling league.
We were there, routing for them or running the organization. Whatever it took. My husband and I both worked full-time jobs and both of us were with our firms for 20 years or more during all of this.
I literally lived next door to my parents and sister but I didn't run next door or stick my head in every day. There were many days I didn't go near their door. I had a life with my family and I had a life with them and their activities.
So Ryan isn't that little that you can't find some sort of gymboree type playgroup to take him to on the weekends. You think he can't adjust and you fret too much over that -- he may cry being taken to his other grandparents house and you may think he'll spend the entire day crying but I assure you they don't. You have to give credit to your husband's parents that they'll treat him right. They have to get use to him as he does with them
This change is a positive thing. It removes one club that your mother uses to hit you with.
keep us informed -- every single step of the way. We're here for you
Love you lots
Diane
Don't fret, no sweat
no tears, no fears
you have friends
right to the end
we will never let you go.
We love you as much as if you were standing in front of us. We'll beat you over the head or swat your butt (whatever it takes) to get you to understand that you are not responsible for anyone else but you, your husband's happiness and wellbeing, Nicholas and soon to be Ryan.
If you had a life outside of your mother and father, you'd find a whole world out there.
You better listen to an experienced mother here -- I have two great kids who are 25 and 22. And you know why they're good? Glad you asked . . .
We put them in organized sports as soon as they were five. My son was in Little League, school basketball, and town bowling league. My daughter was in Little League, then cheerleading, and town bowling league.
We were there, routing for them or running the organization. Whatever it took. My husband and I both worked full-time jobs and both of us were with our firms for 20 years or more during all of this.
I literally lived next door to my parents and sister but I didn't run next door or stick my head in every day. There were many days I didn't go near their door. I had a life with my family and I had a life with them and their activities.
So Ryan isn't that little that you can't find some sort of gymboree type playgroup to take him to on the weekends. You think he can't adjust and you fret too much over that -- he may cry being taken to his other grandparents house and you may think he'll spend the entire day crying but I assure you they don't. You have to give credit to your husband's parents that they'll treat him right. They have to get use to him as he does with them
This change is a positive thing. It removes one club that your mother uses to hit you with.
keep us informed -- every single step of the way. We're here for you
Love you lots
Diane
caringsister54
02-27-2009, 05:02 PM
One additional thing Caroline.
Don't punish your Dad for your mother. Tell him he can see your son whenever he wants but he has to do it at your house and without your mother around.
If he takes your son to the park on the swings, he is forbidden to take him near his grandmother.
your son doesn't understand yet, but she is a danger not only to herself but to others and that includes him. She should NEVER BE LEFT ALONE with him.
Diane
Don't punish your Dad for your mother. Tell him he can see your son whenever he wants but he has to do it at your house and without your mother around.
If he takes your son to the park on the swings, he is forbidden to take him near his grandmother.
your son doesn't understand yet, but she is a danger not only to herself but to others and that includes him. She should NEVER BE LEFT ALONE with him.
Diane
ibake&pray
02-27-2009, 06:19 PM
dearest caroline,
we were military so never lived closer than 1,000 miles to parents. We learned to make do as a family. You need to do that now also. We were our kids biggest supporters. Whatever they wanted to try, we were there. We were band boosters, scout parents, you name it. In fact, our oldest son once said that if it weren't for band we wouldn't have any social life. But our involvement led to his professional life. Our involvement in our youngest son's school life led to his career choice-he's a computer programmer.
So dump Nicholas in T-ball or soccer. Ask you Dad to come and watch, he will want to see him play. But you and your hubby are the nucleus of this family-not your mother and you and your children. She has taken up far too much of your emotional time and attention. Focus that time and attention on your children and hubby and enjoy them for all they are worth.
hugs to you my dear. You couldn't drive us away with a stick....
we were military so never lived closer than 1,000 miles to parents. We learned to make do as a family. You need to do that now also. We were our kids biggest supporters. Whatever they wanted to try, we were there. We were band boosters, scout parents, you name it. In fact, our oldest son once said that if it weren't for band we wouldn't have any social life. But our involvement led to his professional life. Our involvement in our youngest son's school life led to his career choice-he's a computer programmer.
So dump Nicholas in T-ball or soccer. Ask you Dad to come and watch, he will want to see him play. But you and your hubby are the nucleus of this family-not your mother and you and your children. She has taken up far too much of your emotional time and attention. Focus that time and attention on your children and hubby and enjoy them for all they are worth.
hugs to you my dear. You couldn't drive us away with a stick....
DGabriel10
02-27-2009, 06:36 PM
One baby step at a time Caroline. You have done good in cutting out 5 calls. That's the first step. The second step was not letting the response you got from the one call you make upset you so. It is not something you can do over night. It is a new life style you are working towards. One that includes peace of mind!
You Mom definitely needs to be back on medication. There is such a wide assortment of medications that would help her and not all of them have the same side effects so there is surely one that will help her. Mom did that for a while. Get a prescription and get better, find an excuse not to take it and get worse. I swear I think that is part of the disease. But while she is in her irate state it is truly not safe to leave Nicholas with her. It is well within your right to demand that she treat her depression to see Nicholas.
Kids are resilient. As long as you have a positive attitude about where he is going he will be fine. I worried about my daughter and day care when I went to work in LTC. By the end of the first week I swear she would rather be with her day care teacher than her Mom. She was 2 the first time I sent her to spend a entire week with my Mother. I was a nervous wreck and they were having a blast. It became her favorite week of the summer. It took me a while to realize it was not her fears..... but MINE!! I have seen it with my niece's little one recently. She fretted for weeks after her caregiver had to quit. It only took a day and her little ones loves the new care arrangements. Do they understand before hand? NO! It is new and different and perhaps a little scary? YES!... maybe more so for us than them. Can we convince them that it is a good thing? Absolutely!! It's an adventure. He gets to spend some time with his other grandparents... how wonderful. You being positive will send him off with a positive outlook. Does he need to understand why he is not going to your Mom? NO! He's too young to understand. He just needs to know he is off on a new fun adventure that holds the promise of something wonderful.
Don't give up until you find the answers you need and know we are not going anywhere. We are here to stay :)
Love, deb
You Mom definitely needs to be back on medication. There is such a wide assortment of medications that would help her and not all of them have the same side effects so there is surely one that will help her. Mom did that for a while. Get a prescription and get better, find an excuse not to take it and get worse. I swear I think that is part of the disease. But while she is in her irate state it is truly not safe to leave Nicholas with her. It is well within your right to demand that she treat her depression to see Nicholas.
Kids are resilient. As long as you have a positive attitude about where he is going he will be fine. I worried about my daughter and day care when I went to work in LTC. By the end of the first week I swear she would rather be with her day care teacher than her Mom. She was 2 the first time I sent her to spend a entire week with my Mother. I was a nervous wreck and they were having a blast. It became her favorite week of the summer. It took me a while to realize it was not her fears..... but MINE!! I have seen it with my niece's little one recently. She fretted for weeks after her caregiver had to quit. It only took a day and her little ones loves the new care arrangements. Do they understand before hand? NO! It is new and different and perhaps a little scary? YES!... maybe more so for us than them. Can we convince them that it is a good thing? Absolutely!! It's an adventure. He gets to spend some time with his other grandparents... how wonderful. You being positive will send him off with a positive outlook. Does he need to understand why he is not going to your Mom? NO! He's too young to understand. He just needs to know he is off on a new fun adventure that holds the promise of something wonderful.
Don't give up until you find the answers you need and know we are not going anywhere. We are here to stay :)
Love, deb
Martha H
02-27-2009, 06:59 PM
OK, I am glad you don't think it's Alzheimers. That would really be too much for anyone.
But I still want you to consider your Mom as sick and not evil.
Yes, someone that unstable should not be caring for a young child - just think, if he does something to make her feel 'rejected' or 'unloved, ' gosh, what will she do?
So yes, making other arrangements for the children will be necessary. Your Mom can be in his life when you are all together, but not his primary caregiver . UNTIL she gets back on an anti depressive drug! And they take 6 weeks to kick in. She should get some mental help now. There are pills that will not worsen her glaucoma. There are pills that will cause the sun to come up in her world again and make her thankful for a wonderful caring creative daughter (that birthday present was better than anything I ever got!) and not 'disappointed'. She needs to be on those pills!!!
Tell your Dad. Urge him, convince him.
It would be better for everyone concerned, but all the more so for herself. Why be miserable when you can be happy!
Love,
Martha
PS actually I did get a wonderful gift from my daughter and son in law when I moved here - they told me I would be welcome to live with them any time, if my finances would not permit living in my own apartment. I do have my own place, but that offer was a wonderful gift. priceless!
But I still want you to consider your Mom as sick and not evil.
Yes, someone that unstable should not be caring for a young child - just think, if he does something to make her feel 'rejected' or 'unloved, ' gosh, what will she do?
So yes, making other arrangements for the children will be necessary. Your Mom can be in his life when you are all together, but not his primary caregiver . UNTIL she gets back on an anti depressive drug! And they take 6 weeks to kick in. She should get some mental help now. There are pills that will not worsen her glaucoma. There are pills that will cause the sun to come up in her world again and make her thankful for a wonderful caring creative daughter (that birthday present was better than anything I ever got!) and not 'disappointed'. She needs to be on those pills!!!
Tell your Dad. Urge him, convince him.
It would be better for everyone concerned, but all the more so for herself. Why be miserable when you can be happy!
Love,
Martha
PS actually I did get a wonderful gift from my daughter and son in law when I moved here - they told me I would be welcome to live with them any time, if my finances would not permit living in my own apartment. I do have my own place, but that offer was a wonderful gift. priceless!
carsam
02-28-2009, 01:17 PM
Hi friends....
Well, it's another day here, another day of "silent treatment". (better than yelling I suppose huh?)
Last night when I got home, I called my dad twice, asked calmly if they would like to come over for a coffee.....of course I was told "no". So I never called again the rest of the night.
Saturdays is mom and my day to go shopping together, so I got up this morning, and called. Of course dad answered, and said no, she didnt want to go anywhere. So I said "okay". I know you will all tell me to stop calling, but if it makes any sense, I'm trying to "meet myself in the middle here".....I've always done this, but now I'm trying to just make one or two calls here and there, and remain calm in doing so, rather than get upset about it. At the end of the day, she can say what she wants, but she cant accuse me of not reaching out and trying to get past this. I will remain calm towards her so that I am always able to say that she is the one who is full of anger and who wants this tension to keep going. I think it was Martha that said to try and see her as "sick" and not "evil", and I really do believe that. It's a balance between understanding that the things she says and does are because of her depression, and to keep that in consideration. Of course however, I cant let that be a free pass to treating me like this....so again, I'm trying to find a middle ground. My main objective right now, is to take those baby steps, and my biggest goal is what you've all said frequently is to do what I have to, but not let what she says get to me. If I am doing what I can, and it isnt good enough, and she's upset, I cant change that. I dont know how long this will go on.....but if it's still happening next week, then my son will go to his other grandma's. It will be harder on me than him I know but he will be fine. 3 more weeks and I can finally just rely on myself and I will be okay with that.
I dont have my son in soccer yet, I was planning on doing that this year.....right now he has has swimming lessons every week which he enjoys and is the best 30 minutes of my week, I love to watch him.
I am going to focus today on getting my bag ready for the hospital....may as well devote the day to something positive right?
Love, Caroline xo
Well, it's another day here, another day of "silent treatment". (better than yelling I suppose huh?)
Last night when I got home, I called my dad twice, asked calmly if they would like to come over for a coffee.....of course I was told "no". So I never called again the rest of the night.
Saturdays is mom and my day to go shopping together, so I got up this morning, and called. Of course dad answered, and said no, she didnt want to go anywhere. So I said "okay". I know you will all tell me to stop calling, but if it makes any sense, I'm trying to "meet myself in the middle here".....I've always done this, but now I'm trying to just make one or two calls here and there, and remain calm in doing so, rather than get upset about it. At the end of the day, she can say what she wants, but she cant accuse me of not reaching out and trying to get past this. I will remain calm towards her so that I am always able to say that she is the one who is full of anger and who wants this tension to keep going. I think it was Martha that said to try and see her as "sick" and not "evil", and I really do believe that. It's a balance between understanding that the things she says and does are because of her depression, and to keep that in consideration. Of course however, I cant let that be a free pass to treating me like this....so again, I'm trying to find a middle ground. My main objective right now, is to take those baby steps, and my biggest goal is what you've all said frequently is to do what I have to, but not let what she says get to me. If I am doing what I can, and it isnt good enough, and she's upset, I cant change that. I dont know how long this will go on.....but if it's still happening next week, then my son will go to his other grandma's. It will be harder on me than him I know but he will be fine. 3 more weeks and I can finally just rely on myself and I will be okay with that.
I dont have my son in soccer yet, I was planning on doing that this year.....right now he has has swimming lessons every week which he enjoys and is the best 30 minutes of my week, I love to watch him.
I am going to focus today on getting my bag ready for the hospital....may as well devote the day to something positive right?
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
02-28-2009, 02:03 PM
For now you are doing excellent. You have to take what advice you get and mold it to fit your situation. You are cutting back the calls and not letting what you receive upset you. That is good. You are absolutely right. She is sick. When you do what you know is right, and she can't accept that, then you have to know in your heart that you have done all you can and there is nothing more you can do. Don't internalize the anger she spews. It is her, not you, that has the problem. Let her own it. Don't take it on as your own.
As for the silence being a blessing. ABSOLUTELY!! It has been almost three weeks of silence from my sister. In thta time I have reconnected with an old friend. I have had time to talk to another friend that is busy with a new store and rarely has free time because I had the time to adjust to her schedule. I have had more time to talk to my daugher. I have had more time for me. All because my brain has not been absorbed with negative. It can so suck you in, limit your energy, and sap your happiness. So silence might be just what YOU need right now. Use this time to rebuild yourself and your life.
I am so very thrilled that Nicholas is taking swimming lessons. I taught swimming for years in my youth. I also had my daughter in infant swim lessons before she was 6 months old. By the time she could walk, she was a fish. This past summer I worked with a friend's granddaughter to make her water safe since they had just put in a new pool. I think every child needs to be water safe. It is also fun to watch!!
Hang in there. It's all a state of mine and you are getting there. You do teach people how to treat you and they can only hurt you if you allow them too. It's not what they do, it is how you react that matters :)
Love, deb
As for the silence being a blessing. ABSOLUTELY!! It has been almost three weeks of silence from my sister. In thta time I have reconnected with an old friend. I have had time to talk to another friend that is busy with a new store and rarely has free time because I had the time to adjust to her schedule. I have had more time to talk to my daugher. I have had more time for me. All because my brain has not been absorbed with negative. It can so suck you in, limit your energy, and sap your happiness. So silence might be just what YOU need right now. Use this time to rebuild yourself and your life.
I am so very thrilled that Nicholas is taking swimming lessons. I taught swimming for years in my youth. I also had my daughter in infant swim lessons before she was 6 months old. By the time she could walk, she was a fish. This past summer I worked with a friend's granddaughter to make her water safe since they had just put in a new pool. I think every child needs to be water safe. It is also fun to watch!!
Hang in there. It's all a state of mine and you are getting there. You do teach people how to treat you and they can only hurt you if you allow them too. It's not what they do, it is how you react that matters :)
Love, deb
caringsister54
02-28-2009, 02:28 PM
Caroline
I went back and reviewed the string of emails. You gave your mother a gift certificate for a b&b in Niagra Falls but that's NY and yet your location said CA. So I'm confused
Are you in NY state? My fav area is Lake George and that is about 4 hours from where I live.
I hope by now you are feeling better. Remember to enjoy these times with your son.
i hope today is a better day for you.
Love
Diane
I went back and reviewed the string of emails. You gave your mother a gift certificate for a b&b in Niagra Falls but that's NY and yet your location said CA. So I'm confused
Are you in NY state? My fav area is Lake George and that is about 4 hours from where I live.
I hope by now you are feeling better. Remember to enjoy these times with your son.
i hope today is a better day for you.
Love
Diane
Martha H
02-28-2009, 02:33 PM
It's Canada where Caroline lives, just over the border to NY ...
caringsister54
02-28-2009, 02:37 PM
Caroline
You are fooling yourslf honey and its time for the tough talk again so pull up the chair!
You are not "meeting yourself in the middle". You are groveling. You feel that you can't exist without your mother and that's not true. Calling twice to ask about coffee isn't meeting yourself in the middle -- its being a kid who is so afraid because Mommy is mad at you.
Please honey, stop this nonsense. you are creating this scenerio in your son's mind even though you don't know it. he sees that way you are acting around your Mother and Father and will feel that he can never do anything to displease you and will trip over himself to make you happy.
Please understand this. My kids are fine and they know they can tell me when they are mad, angry, happy, etc. They'll tell me they are angry with me and i tell them that's fine. They can be and that i still love them.
I may not like them for that moment for whatever reason, but they know I'll always love them. Even when I punished them when they were younger, I told them they can talk under their breath and wish me under a bus but I still loved them even though I didn't like them at that moment.
You need to grow up a little honey. you have one son and you are carrying another. You are a mother now. You are still allowing your mother's (not dad's) dis-satisfaction to control your day even though you are fooling yourself into thinking otherwise.
Sorry for the hard truth that i write. If I was in front of you, I'd hug you but still say the same time. We love you. But you need to see yourself the way others do.
Please love me even though I write these words, I'll continue to support you and yours but you have to love yourself enough to cut the cord.
You can live two houses away but you don't need to shop with your Mom or feel displeased when she's angry over anything. Go shopping with hubby and son or as everyone else suggested here.
make new friends with others. Open your heart and home to other families from the swim group or whatever. When you have the baby, ask for a play date and have two or three other parents and their children come over so Nicholas can have someone to play with.
You are fooling yourslf honey and its time for the tough talk again so pull up the chair!
You are not "meeting yourself in the middle". You are groveling. You feel that you can't exist without your mother and that's not true. Calling twice to ask about coffee isn't meeting yourself in the middle -- its being a kid who is so afraid because Mommy is mad at you.
Please honey, stop this nonsense. you are creating this scenerio in your son's mind even though you don't know it. he sees that way you are acting around your Mother and Father and will feel that he can never do anything to displease you and will trip over himself to make you happy.
Please understand this. My kids are fine and they know they can tell me when they are mad, angry, happy, etc. They'll tell me they are angry with me and i tell them that's fine. They can be and that i still love them.
I may not like them for that moment for whatever reason, but they know I'll always love them. Even when I punished them when they were younger, I told them they can talk under their breath and wish me under a bus but I still loved them even though I didn't like them at that moment.
You need to grow up a little honey. you have one son and you are carrying another. You are a mother now. You are still allowing your mother's (not dad's) dis-satisfaction to control your day even though you are fooling yourself into thinking otherwise.
Sorry for the hard truth that i write. If I was in front of you, I'd hug you but still say the same time. We love you. But you need to see yourself the way others do.
Please love me even though I write these words, I'll continue to support you and yours but you have to love yourself enough to cut the cord.
You can live two houses away but you don't need to shop with your Mom or feel displeased when she's angry over anything. Go shopping with hubby and son or as everyone else suggested here.
make new friends with others. Open your heart and home to other families from the swim group or whatever. When you have the baby, ask for a play date and have two or three other parents and their children come over so Nicholas can have someone to play with.
DGabriel10
02-28-2009, 11:29 PM
That will probably be the ultimate ending but I can say from experience that it takes baby steps sometimes to get where you are going. When you have spent your life catering to others it is difficult to come to terms with catering to yourself and not being concerned about how other's feel. I still walk that fine line sometimes
I had to try everything possible to make things right with my sister. At some point Caroline, you will realize as I did, the futility of trying because it is NOT you that has created the problem. Then you will be ready to cut the cord. But you have to realize that it is not going to get better until you do. If you have to do it a step at a time that's ok but do it. Perhaps at some point, later in time, you and your Mom can build a true relationship. Later in time when she is back on her meds or later in time when you are strong enough to withstand her pull into that dark abyss she exist in.
So yes, you do need to do what Caring said. But I also understand that changing a life time of habits doesn't happen over night. Just keep working on it. I got there and you will too. It's actually nice not to be drug into that abyss repeatedly. It will feel so good when the smiles comes back to your lips. It will feel so good when you hear that happy laughter around you :) So keep trying, keep backing up, and remember.... you don't deserve this treatment and you don't have to take it!
Love, deb
I had to try everything possible to make things right with my sister. At some point Caroline, you will realize as I did, the futility of trying because it is NOT you that has created the problem. Then you will be ready to cut the cord. But you have to realize that it is not going to get better until you do. If you have to do it a step at a time that's ok but do it. Perhaps at some point, later in time, you and your Mom can build a true relationship. Later in time when she is back on her meds or later in time when you are strong enough to withstand her pull into that dark abyss she exist in.
So yes, you do need to do what Caring said. But I also understand that changing a life time of habits doesn't happen over night. Just keep working on it. I got there and you will too. It's actually nice not to be drug into that abyss repeatedly. It will feel so good when the smiles comes back to your lips. It will feel so good when you hear that happy laughter around you :) So keep trying, keep backing up, and remember.... you don't deserve this treatment and you don't have to take it!
Love, deb
ibake&pray
03-01-2009, 12:31 AM
Dearest Caroline,
It's tough wanting your mother's apporval, but Caring is correct. You are still hoping that she is going to say, "Yes, everything is OK. I forgive you." You are still hoping for her approval. Otherwise you would have slammed the phone down and not picked it back up. If you were caring a grudge as you said you were going to, you wouldn't be calling her like this..you would be making prank calls in the middle of the night to harrass her, not to ask her over for coffee. You are still offering the olive branch in hopes that she will come out to play. Quit calling her if you are really serious. Your mother knows that it will be just a matter of time before you show up. She figures that you can't be away from her, just like you can't not call her.
Listen to what Deb wrote...she has great insite. I am an only child also, but my mother never treated me the way your mother treats you. y mother would have thrown herself onder a bus before she would have done that. She would have taken the bullet herself to have saved me.
You have a rough road. Only you can make the changes. We can see the issues that you have, and we see what needs to be done, but it truly isn't our life to change, and it isn't our life to live. Only you can make the changes that you feel you can live with. But we aware caroline, that your very future is hanging in the balance these days. So consider carefully how much contact you want to continue to keep making. How much do you want to grow up? How fair is this to your husband and child and baby to be? Difficult to read I know, but truth is often hard to read.
Remember that you are an amazing young woman that we think the world of and think is going to make a wonderful mother and wife. someone that we care about deeply or we wouldn't be beating you up so badly.;) And I would still gladly have you for a daughter or DIL....grab hold of that towel dear and hang on tight.....
It's tough wanting your mother's apporval, but Caring is correct. You are still hoping that she is going to say, "Yes, everything is OK. I forgive you." You are still hoping for her approval. Otherwise you would have slammed the phone down and not picked it back up. If you were caring a grudge as you said you were going to, you wouldn't be calling her like this..you would be making prank calls in the middle of the night to harrass her, not to ask her over for coffee. You are still offering the olive branch in hopes that she will come out to play. Quit calling her if you are really serious. Your mother knows that it will be just a matter of time before you show up. She figures that you can't be away from her, just like you can't not call her.
Listen to what Deb wrote...she has great insite. I am an only child also, but my mother never treated me the way your mother treats you. y mother would have thrown herself onder a bus before she would have done that. She would have taken the bullet herself to have saved me.
You have a rough road. Only you can make the changes. We can see the issues that you have, and we see what needs to be done, but it truly isn't our life to change, and it isn't our life to live. Only you can make the changes that you feel you can live with. But we aware caroline, that your very future is hanging in the balance these days. So consider carefully how much contact you want to continue to keep making. How much do you want to grow up? How fair is this to your husband and child and baby to be? Difficult to read I know, but truth is often hard to read.
Remember that you are an amazing young woman that we think the world of and think is going to make a wonderful mother and wife. someone that we care about deeply or we wouldn't be beating you up so badly.;) And I would still gladly have you for a daughter or DIL....grab hold of that towel dear and hang on tight.....
upatnite58
03-01-2009, 01:25 AM
caroline..i have just checked these boards as i have been gone for a few weeks...
my Dear, i know what you are going through..I am an only child as well...i have been through alot of what you are going through. My only advice is ..get your child in daycare right now...caring is right...please don't give your mother any more ammunition. Cause believe me she'll use it. My mother was alcoholic and she still used the guilt against me. Hug your husband, and tell him he'll have to answer the phone for awhile and get your son into a stable atmosphere...trust me he'll adapt. and so will you...my best of love to you and your family....upatnite58
my Dear, i know what you are going through..I am an only child as well...i have been through alot of what you are going through. My only advice is ..get your child in daycare right now...caring is right...please don't give your mother any more ammunition. Cause believe me she'll use it. My mother was alcoholic and she still used the guilt against me. Hug your husband, and tell him he'll have to answer the phone for awhile and get your son into a stable atmosphere...trust me he'll adapt. and so will you...my best of love to you and your family....upatnite58
carsam
03-01-2009, 10:13 AM
Hi Everyone....
Well, as I think I mentioned before in this thread, I was nervous to open up about my "mother" issues for fear that people will grow tired of offering advice if I am unable to act on it....
I hope you all can understand I am really not at all looking for my mother's approval.....it is not her being in my life, or not being in my life that I fear. I have only started talking about this on this thread, which didnt even start out about her, for less than a week now. Everything just happened at that time....and I needed to reach out to someone and you have all been so wonderful to me. But while we've been talking about this for a week, I've been living this my entire life. I've had these sort of episodes since I was a child.....and when you're a child, you just cringe and want it to go "away". In many ways, I'm still that child. I freeze when it comes to confrontation, until it blows over. I grew up with that, and sadly I've not been able to overcome it. When things happen to you as a child, they follow you into your adult life and become something you need to work through.
Usually I would try over and over again to talk to her, to get her to listen to me, not because I need her approval, but because I need the tension to "stop"......usually I would have apologized for giving her that gift and agreed it wasnt thoughtful. But this time I didnt.....I told her I'm sorry she didnt like it, but I thought it was a very nice gift. One call a day is a big thing for me. Not going over there, is a big thing for me. Usually I sit frozen and do nothing until this passes, but this weekend, I've gone about my days as I usually would. It may not seem so, but I know this weekend I have done things a "little" differently. I dont think I'm fooling myself here, I just know who I am.....and since I'm about to give birth in 5 weeks, after 39 years now, is just not the time for me to invite a whole bunch more hostility by going "cold turkey" on this whole thing......I'm doing what I have to in order to keep calm and not stress out this child because of my weaknesses. I know I have "leaps and bounds" to make, but I can only do baby steps......and although it will take longer, nonetheless, at least they lead in the same direction.....
I really hope everyone can understand.......I just cant change overnight, but I am trying.
Thanks for listening,
Love, Caroline xo
Well, as I think I mentioned before in this thread, I was nervous to open up about my "mother" issues for fear that people will grow tired of offering advice if I am unable to act on it....
I hope you all can understand I am really not at all looking for my mother's approval.....it is not her being in my life, or not being in my life that I fear. I have only started talking about this on this thread, which didnt even start out about her, for less than a week now. Everything just happened at that time....and I needed to reach out to someone and you have all been so wonderful to me. But while we've been talking about this for a week, I've been living this my entire life. I've had these sort of episodes since I was a child.....and when you're a child, you just cringe and want it to go "away". In many ways, I'm still that child. I freeze when it comes to confrontation, until it blows over. I grew up with that, and sadly I've not been able to overcome it. When things happen to you as a child, they follow you into your adult life and become something you need to work through.
Usually I would try over and over again to talk to her, to get her to listen to me, not because I need her approval, but because I need the tension to "stop"......usually I would have apologized for giving her that gift and agreed it wasnt thoughtful. But this time I didnt.....I told her I'm sorry she didnt like it, but I thought it was a very nice gift. One call a day is a big thing for me. Not going over there, is a big thing for me. Usually I sit frozen and do nothing until this passes, but this weekend, I've gone about my days as I usually would. It may not seem so, but I know this weekend I have done things a "little" differently. I dont think I'm fooling myself here, I just know who I am.....and since I'm about to give birth in 5 weeks, after 39 years now, is just not the time for me to invite a whole bunch more hostility by going "cold turkey" on this whole thing......I'm doing what I have to in order to keep calm and not stress out this child because of my weaknesses. I know I have "leaps and bounds" to make, but I can only do baby steps......and although it will take longer, nonetheless, at least they lead in the same direction.....
I really hope everyone can understand.......I just cant change overnight, but I am trying.
Thanks for listening,
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
03-01-2009, 03:01 PM
You are right. This is not the time for major changes. Do it gradually as you feel comfortable. Nothing radical. But do ask your dad if he could get an adjustment on her meds or get her back on antidepressives. Just suggest it to him -- also for his own sake. Then let them do it.
Meanwhile coddle yourself and your two boys. Distract yourself with other thngs and other people, and see how it goes. You have put up with it all your life and this is not the best time to go cold turkey as you put it (very well put, you can write well! Does your job involve the use of words creatively?)
Love,
Martha
Meanwhile coddle yourself and your two boys. Distract yourself with other thngs and other people, and see how it goes. You have put up with it all your life and this is not the best time to go cold turkey as you put it (very well put, you can write well! Does your job involve the use of words creatively?)
Love,
Martha
carsam
03-01-2009, 06:08 PM
Thanks Martha....
My mom isnt on any medication right now......but I will certainly mention it to dad. And "if" we start talking again, I will bring it up myself....
It's been a quiet day again today.......I am just doing my best not to let it get to me.....but I must say the words from everyone here have been on my mind all day.....I know they are true. I know I am trying a little harder this time, but the longer this goes on, what everyone is saying is truthfully what needs to happen if I'm ever to find any peace in my life. I'm glad to have this maternity leave, I have an entire year off work....and in that year, they will have nothing to hold over my head, so I can work on myself and my issues in overcoming this. I actually do love my mother at the end of the day, and would love nothing better than to see her on medication and get some help, but I cant keep going on time after time like this. I lose a piece of myself each time....and I'm growing tired, and at the same time, I'm getting increasingly resentful. It makes me feel like less of a person, and I am better than that.
Martha...your daughter is lucky to have you.......it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.
Love, Caroline xo
My mom isnt on any medication right now......but I will certainly mention it to dad. And "if" we start talking again, I will bring it up myself....
It's been a quiet day again today.......I am just doing my best not to let it get to me.....but I must say the words from everyone here have been on my mind all day.....I know they are true. I know I am trying a little harder this time, but the longer this goes on, what everyone is saying is truthfully what needs to happen if I'm ever to find any peace in my life. I'm glad to have this maternity leave, I have an entire year off work....and in that year, they will have nothing to hold over my head, so I can work on myself and my issues in overcoming this. I actually do love my mother at the end of the day, and would love nothing better than to see her on medication and get some help, but I cant keep going on time after time like this. I lose a piece of myself each time....and I'm growing tired, and at the same time, I'm getting increasingly resentful. It makes me feel like less of a person, and I am better than that.
Martha...your daughter is lucky to have you.......it sounds like you have a wonderful relationship.
Love, Caroline xo
petal*pusher
03-01-2009, 06:52 PM
Oh Caroline...just able to check in to see what everyone's up to...and have read back to see your challenges.:( I'm glad friends here are able to show you just how valuable you are to each of us! Please stick me on that "friend-list"!
It's hard being a Mom! It's hard being a daughter too! There's no list of instructions for either classification. You've been the strength both of your parents have needed...and you are needed in your OWN little family now.
I'm reminded a bit of my own Mother-Daughter relationship as I read thru...there's 6 of us...I'm the oldest daughter. We try! We try...and try...and try! I absolutely cherish the relationship I have with my own grown daughter...a sometimes challenging role...but one that the both of us treasure and work on...and that is the secret...both parties need to make effort toward a positive relationship. You, seem to be the ONLY one trying...
I think of her growing up...and of myself growing up. I realized when she was first about 5 that I was her "cushion". I shared her happy times, sad times, painful times. I was the strength she needed when she was young. Little did she know, she (and her brother) were also MY strength. Our Mothers are kind of our "cushion" for all our feelings when we're young...and even sometimes as we grow up. We usually know we can say or do almost anything and not be judged harshly. Your Mom is suffering greatly in realizing her own Mom is "gone"...and she happens to be far away.
I'm sure not making excuses for how she's treating you and your family...but you're seeing her so absolutely stressed that YOU have become her "cushion".....not a soft, pillowy cushion....but one that's easy to throw your fist into...or scream into.
So much advice is coming your way, my friend...so I don't mean to repeat. Please know we all have shoulders to cry on...ears to listen...and arms to wrap around you! Those little ones need your attention.
I wonder also, as did Martha, if there's more to this than personality. Hang in there, Sweetie!..............Positive vibes coming your way......Pam;)
It's hard being a Mom! It's hard being a daughter too! There's no list of instructions for either classification. You've been the strength both of your parents have needed...and you are needed in your OWN little family now.
I'm reminded a bit of my own Mother-Daughter relationship as I read thru...there's 6 of us...I'm the oldest daughter. We try! We try...and try...and try! I absolutely cherish the relationship I have with my own grown daughter...a sometimes challenging role...but one that the both of us treasure and work on...and that is the secret...both parties need to make effort toward a positive relationship. You, seem to be the ONLY one trying...
I think of her growing up...and of myself growing up. I realized when she was first about 5 that I was her "cushion". I shared her happy times, sad times, painful times. I was the strength she needed when she was young. Little did she know, she (and her brother) were also MY strength. Our Mothers are kind of our "cushion" for all our feelings when we're young...and even sometimes as we grow up. We usually know we can say or do almost anything and not be judged harshly. Your Mom is suffering greatly in realizing her own Mom is "gone"...and she happens to be far away.
I'm sure not making excuses for how she's treating you and your family...but you're seeing her so absolutely stressed that YOU have become her "cushion".....not a soft, pillowy cushion....but one that's easy to throw your fist into...or scream into.
So much advice is coming your way, my friend...so I don't mean to repeat. Please know we all have shoulders to cry on...ears to listen...and arms to wrap around you! Those little ones need your attention.
I wonder also, as did Martha, if there's more to this than personality. Hang in there, Sweetie!..............Positive vibes coming your way......Pam;)
carsam
03-01-2009, 07:33 PM
Thank you Pam.....of course you are on my friend list........
I appreciate your words of kindness......dont know where I'd be right now without you all, and that is the honest truth.
Well, dad just came over on his way to work......apparently mom has calmed down a little since the last few days....they have gone out a couple of times the last few days. I am glad for his sake it is calmer in the house. My dad drives a bus and I am scared for him to be out driving with all the tension in his mind. He said he was sorry for the last few days, and knows it has been really hard on everyone including me. I told him....that if she doesnt snap out of it, then one of these calls I make will be the last. I also told him I will never apologize for the birthday gift I gave her, and that I absolutely dont give a damn about her birthday. He told her this morning that this needs to stop for "everyone's" health, and he thinks she knows that. I told him also that I am very close to the end of my times as "peacekeeper" of this family....and that something for me has changed this time, and that while I love them dearly, if this happens again, I will have to cut them off, for the sake of my sanity and for my family. He understood. Supposedly she has said, that he should come down and check on me. My first thought would normally be that it's a sign of a light at the end of the tunnel. But it made me so angry to hear that. Angry to know that she's "melting", at least to the point, where she says he should "check on me".....but not yet ready to give up her anger towards me.
I told my dad that she needs to be on medication for this...god knows he gets so much thrown at him also...I dont know how he stands being in that house. I can remember so many times in my life that my hands would shake putting the key in the lock when I went home.....knowing at any time she could go off on me. Having my own home, even though its 2 doors away.....gives me some sort of safety net.....thank God for that.
I know this last week has been one of her depressive episodes.....they last for 3 or 4 days. I'm telling you these illnesses that affect the mind, dementia, depression, they are honestly cruel....and so hard for everyone, in my mind, equally as hard for the people around those who suffer with it.
Anyways friends, that's my update for the day.....I'm going to do as I'm told now, and go play something with my son.....
Love, Caroline xo
I appreciate your words of kindness......dont know where I'd be right now without you all, and that is the honest truth.
Well, dad just came over on his way to work......apparently mom has calmed down a little since the last few days....they have gone out a couple of times the last few days. I am glad for his sake it is calmer in the house. My dad drives a bus and I am scared for him to be out driving with all the tension in his mind. He said he was sorry for the last few days, and knows it has been really hard on everyone including me. I told him....that if she doesnt snap out of it, then one of these calls I make will be the last. I also told him I will never apologize for the birthday gift I gave her, and that I absolutely dont give a damn about her birthday. He told her this morning that this needs to stop for "everyone's" health, and he thinks she knows that. I told him also that I am very close to the end of my times as "peacekeeper" of this family....and that something for me has changed this time, and that while I love them dearly, if this happens again, I will have to cut them off, for the sake of my sanity and for my family. He understood. Supposedly she has said, that he should come down and check on me. My first thought would normally be that it's a sign of a light at the end of the tunnel. But it made me so angry to hear that. Angry to know that she's "melting", at least to the point, where she says he should "check on me".....but not yet ready to give up her anger towards me.
I told my dad that she needs to be on medication for this...god knows he gets so much thrown at him also...I dont know how he stands being in that house. I can remember so many times in my life that my hands would shake putting the key in the lock when I went home.....knowing at any time she could go off on me. Having my own home, even though its 2 doors away.....gives me some sort of safety net.....thank God for that.
I know this last week has been one of her depressive episodes.....they last for 3 or 4 days. I'm telling you these illnesses that affect the mind, dementia, depression, they are honestly cruel....and so hard for everyone, in my mind, equally as hard for the people around those who suffer with it.
Anyways friends, that's my update for the day.....I'm going to do as I'm told now, and go play something with my son.....
Love, Caroline xo
carsam
03-01-2009, 07:42 PM
Dearest friends....
After posting my last update.....I went on to read Pam's post about her mom, and felt humbled and badly for posting my issues here on this board. Perhaps I should have put them somewhere else, more appropriate....but this particular board is my home, and where my friends are.
Nonetheless, you all are here for your loved ones, and I can hear the sadness in your posts as they progress through this illness. I think it was not right for me to open up here.....and be angry, when so many people here are heartbroken.
I am sorry for that....
Love you all,
Caroline xo
After posting my last update.....I went on to read Pam's post about her mom, and felt humbled and badly for posting my issues here on this board. Perhaps I should have put them somewhere else, more appropriate....but this particular board is my home, and where my friends are.
Nonetheless, you all are here for your loved ones, and I can hear the sadness in your posts as they progress through this illness. I think it was not right for me to open up here.....and be angry, when so many people here are heartbroken.
I am sorry for that....
Love you all,
Caroline xo
Martha H
03-01-2009, 08:20 PM
We love you Caroline, and if it helps you even just a tiny bit, go on posting here about whatever is troubling you. Don't forget, what we all have in common is a family member with dementia. That underlies all other considerations. That's why we understand each other so well. No guilt, no feeling bad.
Love,
Martha
Love,
Martha
caringsister54
03-01-2009, 10:33 PM
Oh Caroline. We'd just be devastated if you stopped posting.
I started writing this long story about my relationship with my mother so it would explain to you how we all see something with your posts.
Without going into a long drawn out saga. Short and sweet. There are those that suffered from physical abuse and some that suffer from emotional abuse and others that suffered from both.
My life was not easy with my mother. I will not let anyone saint her now that she's gone but she was my mother. It was difficult all my life. I only ever wanted to hear my mother say she loved me instead of 'your dumb, your lazy, you never do anything, you, you,you. as well as the times she would hide something, forget where she put it and then wake you us all hours of days and nights to ask you where you put it, what did you do with it, did you give it to someone, etc.
Your mother's treatment of you is emotional abuse. Even though she may be a sick individual suffering from depression or bipolar or what, your emtional relationship with her has been difficult all your childhood. Yes, she should be forgiven but that doesn't mean you'll ever be able to forget. And look! you live two houses away from her and I live 6 inches on the other side of the wall. Abused always seem to go towards the abuser because we are always trying to just get anything from them in a positive sense.
So I'm sorry my posts were so blunt but I see myself in some of what you wrote.
I had a wonderful woman in my life, my childhood friend's Mom. My "Aunt" Della gave me security in her home telling my mom we were playing so well, could I stay over there for dinner, etc. As I got older, she pointed out what was going on with my mother and I and gave me the strength and security to stand up to her. My mother didn't like my "Aunt" Della and was very upset over somethings. But I know if it wasn't for my "Aunt" Della, I don't know where I would've ended up or the kind of person I would've become.
So, don't stop writing. Keep up coming to us when you want or need to. Know that we are surrounding you in a circle of hugs.
Love
CaringSister54
I started writing this long story about my relationship with my mother so it would explain to you how we all see something with your posts.
Without going into a long drawn out saga. Short and sweet. There are those that suffered from physical abuse and some that suffer from emotional abuse and others that suffered from both.
My life was not easy with my mother. I will not let anyone saint her now that she's gone but she was my mother. It was difficult all my life. I only ever wanted to hear my mother say she loved me instead of 'your dumb, your lazy, you never do anything, you, you,you. as well as the times she would hide something, forget where she put it and then wake you us all hours of days and nights to ask you where you put it, what did you do with it, did you give it to someone, etc.
Your mother's treatment of you is emotional abuse. Even though she may be a sick individual suffering from depression or bipolar or what, your emtional relationship with her has been difficult all your childhood. Yes, she should be forgiven but that doesn't mean you'll ever be able to forget. And look! you live two houses away from her and I live 6 inches on the other side of the wall. Abused always seem to go towards the abuser because we are always trying to just get anything from them in a positive sense.
So I'm sorry my posts were so blunt but I see myself in some of what you wrote.
I had a wonderful woman in my life, my childhood friend's Mom. My "Aunt" Della gave me security in her home telling my mom we were playing so well, could I stay over there for dinner, etc. As I got older, she pointed out what was going on with my mother and I and gave me the strength and security to stand up to her. My mother didn't like my "Aunt" Della and was very upset over somethings. But I know if it wasn't for my "Aunt" Della, I don't know where I would've ended up or the kind of person I would've become.
So, don't stop writing. Keep up coming to us when you want or need to. Know that we are surrounding you in a circle of hugs.
Love
CaringSister54
ibake&pray
03-01-2009, 10:52 PM
What my dear?
Are you trying to leave us? It isn't going to work you know. You have owrmed your way into our hearts and there is no turning back now. I have told you not once but many times that I would love to have you as a daughter-because them I could legally spank you! or as a dil! you don't get to run and hide now. I know that you feel sorrow-this is as much the hormones that are raging through your body as the let down from all the emotional angst that you have had this past week. It is understandable. An now you feel like weeping also. The valleys are as low as the highs are with this type of drama queen. You have suffered horribly through your short life-but for you it must have already seen like an enternity, right?
I have been a mil for just over 5 years now, and it has been a learning experience for me. I so deparately wanted a daughter-which god in his humor chose not to give me. So I waited 24 years to get my dil who is a talented woman with a PhD in molecular genetics, who i adore greatly and love with my entire heart, and who i wanted to love me wholely and completly and i stepped on every crack in the book and did my best to alienate her at alomst every turn. That's funny, I never thought of myself as formidable. we have since found our common ground and footing and I've learned to bite my tongue ALOT. I've learned the gentle art of backdoor persausion and gentle suggestions. These are the same things that your mother should be talking to you about. NEver should she have been yelling at you. Never should you have been forced to endure the agony of storms of displeasire. That is somehting that is reserved for yourself or your spouse, not your child unless they had almost killed themself.
If nothing else, we have shown you that you have more options for Nicholas and Ryan than how you were raised. That you have more choices in life than fear and upset. That you can and will change and break the cycle. That you will be aware of the waring signs of depression and keep an eye out in your own personal self to make sure that you don't fall into the same trap that your mother exists in.
Feeling exhaused and tired is fine. Now rest and and recover and play with your son. I'm glad you are taking my advice. See, you do listen! :) Never doubt that we care and we only want the best. Baby steps are fine dear one. After all, that is what you are having, right?;)
Are you trying to leave us? It isn't going to work you know. You have owrmed your way into our hearts and there is no turning back now. I have told you not once but many times that I would love to have you as a daughter-because them I could legally spank you! or as a dil! you don't get to run and hide now. I know that you feel sorrow-this is as much the hormones that are raging through your body as the let down from all the emotional angst that you have had this past week. It is understandable. An now you feel like weeping also. The valleys are as low as the highs are with this type of drama queen. You have suffered horribly through your short life-but for you it must have already seen like an enternity, right?
I have been a mil for just over 5 years now, and it has been a learning experience for me. I so deparately wanted a daughter-which god in his humor chose not to give me. So I waited 24 years to get my dil who is a talented woman with a PhD in molecular genetics, who i adore greatly and love with my entire heart, and who i wanted to love me wholely and completly and i stepped on every crack in the book and did my best to alienate her at alomst every turn. That's funny, I never thought of myself as formidable. we have since found our common ground and footing and I've learned to bite my tongue ALOT. I've learned the gentle art of backdoor persausion and gentle suggestions. These are the same things that your mother should be talking to you about. NEver should she have been yelling at you. Never should you have been forced to endure the agony of storms of displeasire. That is somehting that is reserved for yourself or your spouse, not your child unless they had almost killed themself.
If nothing else, we have shown you that you have more options for Nicholas and Ryan than how you were raised. That you have more choices in life than fear and upset. That you can and will change and break the cycle. That you will be aware of the waring signs of depression and keep an eye out in your own personal self to make sure that you don't fall into the same trap that your mother exists in.
Feeling exhaused and tired is fine. Now rest and and recover and play with your son. I'm glad you are taking my advice. See, you do listen! :) Never doubt that we care and we only want the best. Baby steps are fine dear one. After all, that is what you are having, right?;)
petal*pusher
03-01-2009, 11:41 PM
If nothing else, we have shown you that you have more options for Nicholas and Ryan than how you were raised. That you have more choices in life than fear and upset. That you can and will change and break the cycle. That you will be aware of the waring signs of depression and keep an eye out in your own personal self to make sure that you don't fall into the same trap that your mother exists in
Beautifully said ibake! I think this is exactly what I was trying to elude to also! We need to cherish our relationships and keep building them...not take them for granted. I'm surprised when reading posts here how many of us had somewhat challenging Mother/Daughter relationships. I have much love for the tiny woman I visit each week.........now. Yes, I have many wonderful memories of growing up...but there are also many I choose to forget.
Oh Caroline, my dear...don't feel bad for sharing with us the reality of your life!! Absolutely everything we all feel and experience thru-out our lives make us who we are....and you are so dear to us all. We want to help when you're hurting...celebrate with you when you are having your new son...and mourn with you for what lay ahead.
You are one of us...and don't you forget it Missy!! Positive vibes coming your way........Pam;);)
Beautifully said ibake! I think this is exactly what I was trying to elude to also! We need to cherish our relationships and keep building them...not take them for granted. I'm surprised when reading posts here how many of us had somewhat challenging Mother/Daughter relationships. I have much love for the tiny woman I visit each week.........now. Yes, I have many wonderful memories of growing up...but there are also many I choose to forget.
Oh Caroline, my dear...don't feel bad for sharing with us the reality of your life!! Absolutely everything we all feel and experience thru-out our lives make us who we are....and you are so dear to us all. We want to help when you're hurting...celebrate with you when you are having your new son...and mourn with you for what lay ahead.
You are one of us...and don't you forget it Missy!! Positive vibes coming your way........Pam;);)
carsam
03-02-2009, 09:08 AM
Dearest friends....
Thank you for your replies......there is no chance whatsover I am going anywhere......you are all my family now. I have felt that connection for awhile but this week has really shown me that. I just had a moment after reading Pam's post where I felt badly for complaining about my mother, when all else here are losing theirs, have lost theirs....and all of a sudden, I felt like this wasnt the place to be posting these problems.
I am back at work this morning, 3 more weeks to go. Mom has her yearly mammogram today....please say a prayer that it will go smoothly.....I dont think our family could handle any more to worry about these days, we've had enough, I know I have. We are still not speaking, but well, I'm getting on with things.
While I was posting to you all last night, my son gave me the most beautiful gift......I had no idea what he was doing at the time, but he drew a picture, 4 little people, Mommy, Daddy, Nicholas and Ryan.....and under each one was their name.....and lots of hearts, and the word "love" was everywhere. I must be doing something right........
Love, Caroline xo
Thank you for your replies......there is no chance whatsover I am going anywhere......you are all my family now. I have felt that connection for awhile but this week has really shown me that. I just had a moment after reading Pam's post where I felt badly for complaining about my mother, when all else here are losing theirs, have lost theirs....and all of a sudden, I felt like this wasnt the place to be posting these problems.
I am back at work this morning, 3 more weeks to go. Mom has her yearly mammogram today....please say a prayer that it will go smoothly.....I dont think our family could handle any more to worry about these days, we've had enough, I know I have. We are still not speaking, but well, I'm getting on with things.
While I was posting to you all last night, my son gave me the most beautiful gift......I had no idea what he was doing at the time, but he drew a picture, 4 little people, Mommy, Daddy, Nicholas and Ryan.....and under each one was their name.....and lots of hearts, and the word "love" was everywhere. I must be doing something right........
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
03-02-2009, 02:09 PM
You are here to stay and we are here for you Caroline. That's what you need to hold on to right now. Nichloas will show you the love you crave as will your hubby and little Ryan when he gets here. Make your little family your focus. I am glad your Dad came by and talked to you.... and let you have your say. Hopefully he can help get your Mom on the right tract with her medication. Just remember that you don't have to listen to her rants. You have that save haven of your own home. When she starts, walk away, hang up, or in some way separate yourself. Life is too short......
Love, deb
Love, deb
carsam
03-02-2009, 02:42 PM
Thank you Deb....
I am slowly but surely realizing all of this......that I can control how I deal with this situation. I have actually spoken with Mom this morning, she was getting ready to go to her hospital appointment and was getting frantic that she hadnt been able to reach Uncle yet. I told her to go on to her appointment, and I would try get a hold of him. I am being "cautiously" civil, but that's about it. So I went and called him, and got a hold of him. He had taken grandma for a quick drive. She is still barely eating a bite. I tried to explain to him from all I've learned here, that she may have reached the point, where she no longer needs food. He went on to tell me he is making 11 or 12 different meals a day now....in hopes of getting her to eat a few bites even. I said to him, "dont take this the wrong way, but she probably doesnt even realize its all different food you're trying to give her - you can just keep trying to get her to eat, but what's the sense in making all different meals and stressing yourself out about it?". Of course he said he would continue to do so if it meants getting her a few bites of food. I said "okay". He then told me this morning that she hit the tray and the food went all over the floor, he was frustrated, and so he got frustrated with her, and then he felt guilty. I told him he shouldnt feel badly about that, it's only natural...and he's not inhuman. He said it didnt matter, he couldnt help but feel guilty. Again, I said "okay". For a minute, I actually held the phone away from my ear, because I knew he wasnt listening anyways. He is going to do what he is going to do. I'm struggling enough to make changes in myself in how I deal with things, and that's hard enough.....but I know that while it's hard to change "myself", it's "impossible" to change "him"......so I just wished him the best and went back upstairs to work.
Mom went to her appointment, it was the usual routine....very unnerving for her, I can certainly understand. She said that she has a doctors appointment tomorrow, I knew she was about to tell me she would look after my son tomorrow. I interrupted her and told her it was fine, to look after herself, because my MIL was "happy" to take him for the next few weeks. She said "really, we are okay".....in light of the fact she is struggling with her yearly tests, and the fact that it is only a couple more weeks, I let it go....but I made sure I repeated the fact that I am perfectly fine to manage, and that my MIL would be "happy" to do it. (please know I would never allow my son to be with her tomorrow if I wasnt 100% sure he would be okay, and that she would be fine around him). I then called my husband to tell him, and to please let my MIL know from "me", that I am very grateful she was willing to do this for us, and to please let her know how much I appreciated it. In the meantime, in the next couple of months, and not under pressure, we have decided to start dropping Nicholas with my inlaws a few times here and there, so we are not left in this position again. It will be a good thing for all of us.
I said I will "forgive but not forget".....but I am not yet even close to the "forgiving" stage yet. Mom did ask me how my doctor's appointment went on Friday, and I told her it was "fine"....the doctor just told me to make sure my bag is ready for the hospital. She said "why"? I said because she said I am almost 35 weeks and I could go into labor anytime, probably not, but it's a possibility. I just wanted her to know that all this week this has been a possibility while she's been treating me so horribly. Like I said, I'm nowhere near "forgive"......I am "cautious"...and "civil"....but nowhere near "friendly".
I have learned alot about myself this past week, I have learned that I dont really like myself when I allow myself to be treated badly.....and I have learned that no matter what....I deserve to be treated with the same respect as I show to the people around me. I may be still taking "baby steps".....I know that, but dear ladies....I have "listened" and I have "heard" all of you........
Love you all,
Caroline xo
I am slowly but surely realizing all of this......that I can control how I deal with this situation. I have actually spoken with Mom this morning, she was getting ready to go to her hospital appointment and was getting frantic that she hadnt been able to reach Uncle yet. I told her to go on to her appointment, and I would try get a hold of him. I am being "cautiously" civil, but that's about it. So I went and called him, and got a hold of him. He had taken grandma for a quick drive. She is still barely eating a bite. I tried to explain to him from all I've learned here, that she may have reached the point, where she no longer needs food. He went on to tell me he is making 11 or 12 different meals a day now....in hopes of getting her to eat a few bites even. I said to him, "dont take this the wrong way, but she probably doesnt even realize its all different food you're trying to give her - you can just keep trying to get her to eat, but what's the sense in making all different meals and stressing yourself out about it?". Of course he said he would continue to do so if it meants getting her a few bites of food. I said "okay". He then told me this morning that she hit the tray and the food went all over the floor, he was frustrated, and so he got frustrated with her, and then he felt guilty. I told him he shouldnt feel badly about that, it's only natural...and he's not inhuman. He said it didnt matter, he couldnt help but feel guilty. Again, I said "okay". For a minute, I actually held the phone away from my ear, because I knew he wasnt listening anyways. He is going to do what he is going to do. I'm struggling enough to make changes in myself in how I deal with things, and that's hard enough.....but I know that while it's hard to change "myself", it's "impossible" to change "him"......so I just wished him the best and went back upstairs to work.
Mom went to her appointment, it was the usual routine....very unnerving for her, I can certainly understand. She said that she has a doctors appointment tomorrow, I knew she was about to tell me she would look after my son tomorrow. I interrupted her and told her it was fine, to look after herself, because my MIL was "happy" to take him for the next few weeks. She said "really, we are okay".....in light of the fact she is struggling with her yearly tests, and the fact that it is only a couple more weeks, I let it go....but I made sure I repeated the fact that I am perfectly fine to manage, and that my MIL would be "happy" to do it. (please know I would never allow my son to be with her tomorrow if I wasnt 100% sure he would be okay, and that she would be fine around him). I then called my husband to tell him, and to please let my MIL know from "me", that I am very grateful she was willing to do this for us, and to please let her know how much I appreciated it. In the meantime, in the next couple of months, and not under pressure, we have decided to start dropping Nicholas with my inlaws a few times here and there, so we are not left in this position again. It will be a good thing for all of us.
I said I will "forgive but not forget".....but I am not yet even close to the "forgiving" stage yet. Mom did ask me how my doctor's appointment went on Friday, and I told her it was "fine"....the doctor just told me to make sure my bag is ready for the hospital. She said "why"? I said because she said I am almost 35 weeks and I could go into labor anytime, probably not, but it's a possibility. I just wanted her to know that all this week this has been a possibility while she's been treating me so horribly. Like I said, I'm nowhere near "forgive"......I am "cautious"...and "civil"....but nowhere near "friendly".
I have learned alot about myself this past week, I have learned that I dont really like myself when I allow myself to be treated badly.....and I have learned that no matter what....I deserve to be treated with the same respect as I show to the people around me. I may be still taking "baby steps".....I know that, but dear ladies....I have "listened" and I have "heard" all of you........
Love you all,
Caroline xo
DGabriel10
03-02-2009, 02:52 PM
I have learned alot about myself this past week, I have learned that I dont really like myself when I allow myself to be treated badly.....and I have learned that no matter what....I deserve to be treated with the same respect as I show to the people around me. I may be still taking "baby steps".....I know that, but dear ladies....I have "listened" and I have "heard" all of you........
Love you all,
Caroline xo
Exactly!!!! You have to do what you feel is right for you but never forget those points. You absoultely deserve to be treated with the same respect you show others and should settle for nothing less. Baby steps are ok if they bring you peace of mind. That is what you are striving for. You have to do it YOUR way!!!!
Forgiveness is not for others but for yourself. It allows you to get past the hurt and the pain they have caused. It is not telling them that what they did was ok, it is telling yourself that you are ready to move past their actions and reclaim your life. So yes, forgiveness is good, but never forget. In remembering you know how to make it better next time.
Love, deb
Love you all,
Caroline xo
Exactly!!!! You have to do what you feel is right for you but never forget those points. You absoultely deserve to be treated with the same respect you show others and should settle for nothing less. Baby steps are ok if they bring you peace of mind. That is what you are striving for. You have to do it YOUR way!!!!
Forgiveness is not for others but for yourself. It allows you to get past the hurt and the pain they have caused. It is not telling them that what they did was ok, it is telling yourself that you are ready to move past their actions and reclaim your life. So yes, forgiveness is good, but never forget. In remembering you know how to make it better next time.
Love, deb
caringsister54
03-02-2009, 10:25 PM
okay Caroline. Now I'm definitely confused. Did you change your mind about leaving Nicholas with your mother-in-law in favor of leaving your son with your mom?
And honey, listen to your older sister her, you need to start a relationship with them and I think its good to drop off Nicholas periodically and a great place to start but Honey, you need to have a relationship with them directly and not go through your husband to relay messages or things. She could be exactly what you need to help you distance yourself from your parents.
When you marry you marry the family, baby. And that includes that relationship.
I can't kiss my mother-in-law's feet enough never mind walk in her shoes. This woman who I call Mom or Ma, is a fantastic woman who had 6 kids by the time she was 25, yep, kept popping them out! We all lost her husband (my fil) and her oldest son -- aka my husband. BUT the relationship with her is strong, if not, stronger than ever.
So please include them both in your lives. Share Nicholas and yourself as well as Ryan with her. Ask her to come and help you in your house when you have the baby.
Please also start planning playgroups for Nick when the baby comes and your home.
But most of all let Nicholas know both sides of the family.
Love CaringSister54
And honey, listen to your older sister her, you need to start a relationship with them and I think its good to drop off Nicholas periodically and a great place to start but Honey, you need to have a relationship with them directly and not go through your husband to relay messages or things. She could be exactly what you need to help you distance yourself from your parents.
When you marry you marry the family, baby. And that includes that relationship.
I can't kiss my mother-in-law's feet enough never mind walk in her shoes. This woman who I call Mom or Ma, is a fantastic woman who had 6 kids by the time she was 25, yep, kept popping them out! We all lost her husband (my fil) and her oldest son -- aka my husband. BUT the relationship with her is strong, if not, stronger than ever.
So please include them both in your lives. Share Nicholas and yourself as well as Ryan with her. Ask her to come and help you in your house when you have the baby.
Please also start planning playgroups for Nick when the baby comes and your home.
But most of all let Nicholas know both sides of the family.
Love CaringSister54
ibake&pray
03-03-2009, 11:53 AM
Dear Caroline..
You have made the baby steps. You ahve realized that you don't like yourself when you let other people step on you. That is a big step. You have stood up to your mother. THAT is a big step. These are all firsts for you and they are first steps. Those little steps are the start of how you want to be treated for the rest of your life. That is good.
YOu just remember the golden rule. After all that is how you want to raise your children. Do until others as you would have others do unto you. It is the old what goes around comes around. You treat people how you would like to be treated. It's easy. But some people never do grasp the concept. It's common decency if you ask me. And you have discovered that you are not a door mat, nor do you want to be one! So the small steps are the best steps. Keep moving forward girl!
You have made the baby steps. You ahve realized that you don't like yourself when you let other people step on you. That is a big step. You have stood up to your mother. THAT is a big step. These are all firsts for you and they are first steps. Those little steps are the start of how you want to be treated for the rest of your life. That is good.
YOu just remember the golden rule. After all that is how you want to raise your children. Do until others as you would have others do unto you. It is the old what goes around comes around. You treat people how you would like to be treated. It's easy. But some people never do grasp the concept. It's common decency if you ask me. And you have discovered that you are not a door mat, nor do you want to be one! So the small steps are the best steps. Keep moving forward girl!
carsam
03-03-2009, 12:53 PM
thanks ladies.......
I am feeling a little better today........feel good that although mom has decided to start speaking again....that I did not give in and fall all over her when she did so. I think she has noticed this also. I have learned yet another hard lesson this time around...and am starting to understand I need to give myself other options, at the same time, I need to learn to walk before I can run, so as long as I know I'm starting to make some changes, I feel a little better about that. First off is changing my thoughts emotionally, and then comes putting them into action. Being off work with my children, is going to be "my" time....my time to work on this to not let myself get to this point again.
I think this whole notion of teaching other people how to treat you is really making sense to me......and yes, some people will never get that, but it is honestly what I'm using as my starting point to knock down almost 40 years of this type of behaviour. Thanks ladies for showing me this!!!
Yes, she is watching Nicholas today.......he has no idea what has been going on the past week, I dont ever argue or cry in front of him in regards to this situation. But he does know something is "off". His "routine" is off. He asked me "who's watching me today mommy?".....so that was one of the reasons I chose to allow them to watch him today.....but knowing that it was a "choice" and not "giving in". No matter what my mom puts me through, she does not pull anything in front of my son.......if she did, he would be out of there.
Diane.....I actually have a very pleasant relationship with my MIL. Not sure for some reason that has come across that I dont. I have been with my husband 13 years, and his parents moved here 6 years ago. We are not "close" by any means, ie, going for coffee, etc......but I am nice to her and she has always been nice to me. But she is not a very open or warm person.....and I dont see us ever being close. She doesnt have a close relationship with her own daughters either - they have their own mother/daugher issues to deal with, and god knows I dont need any more of that. I dont have a bad word to say about her, but I also know we would not be able to have a close relationship. They live about 15 minutes away from us, and see Nicholas at least 2 or 3 times a month. They love him, and he loves them. He's especially close with my SIL. They have always been "grandparents", but not "caregivers". So no, I am not close with them....but at the same time, have never not included them in Nicholas's life. We've invited them several times to come watch his swimming lessons etc, but they are just content for us to visit, and to go for dinner or lunch sometimes. I am very appreciative that she was willing to watch Nicholas this week, and that's why I said what I did. I had to weigh out all the options in deciding what to do. For the sake of 3 weeks, do I disrupt his routine? I chose not to for that short space of time. Having a new baby coming into the house is going to be a big enough adjustment for him......changing his daycare routine at the same time, especially when he's not going to be put in a bad situation, he will not even know anything has happened.....isnt something I thought was necessary. I hope that makes sense....
Love to all,
Caroline xo
I am feeling a little better today........feel good that although mom has decided to start speaking again....that I did not give in and fall all over her when she did so. I think she has noticed this also. I have learned yet another hard lesson this time around...and am starting to understand I need to give myself other options, at the same time, I need to learn to walk before I can run, so as long as I know I'm starting to make some changes, I feel a little better about that. First off is changing my thoughts emotionally, and then comes putting them into action. Being off work with my children, is going to be "my" time....my time to work on this to not let myself get to this point again.
I think this whole notion of teaching other people how to treat you is really making sense to me......and yes, some people will never get that, but it is honestly what I'm using as my starting point to knock down almost 40 years of this type of behaviour. Thanks ladies for showing me this!!!
Yes, she is watching Nicholas today.......he has no idea what has been going on the past week, I dont ever argue or cry in front of him in regards to this situation. But he does know something is "off". His "routine" is off. He asked me "who's watching me today mommy?".....so that was one of the reasons I chose to allow them to watch him today.....but knowing that it was a "choice" and not "giving in". No matter what my mom puts me through, she does not pull anything in front of my son.......if she did, he would be out of there.
Diane.....I actually have a very pleasant relationship with my MIL. Not sure for some reason that has come across that I dont. I have been with my husband 13 years, and his parents moved here 6 years ago. We are not "close" by any means, ie, going for coffee, etc......but I am nice to her and she has always been nice to me. But she is not a very open or warm person.....and I dont see us ever being close. She doesnt have a close relationship with her own daughters either - they have their own mother/daugher issues to deal with, and god knows I dont need any more of that. I dont have a bad word to say about her, but I also know we would not be able to have a close relationship. They live about 15 minutes away from us, and see Nicholas at least 2 or 3 times a month. They love him, and he loves them. He's especially close with my SIL. They have always been "grandparents", but not "caregivers". So no, I am not close with them....but at the same time, have never not included them in Nicholas's life. We've invited them several times to come watch his swimming lessons etc, but they are just content for us to visit, and to go for dinner or lunch sometimes. I am very appreciative that she was willing to watch Nicholas this week, and that's why I said what I did. I had to weigh out all the options in deciding what to do. For the sake of 3 weeks, do I disrupt his routine? I chose not to for that short space of time. Having a new baby coming into the house is going to be a big enough adjustment for him......changing his daycare routine at the same time, especially when he's not going to be put in a bad situation, he will not even know anything has happened.....isnt something I thought was necessary. I hope that makes sense....
Love to all,
Caroline xo