saugus
02-20-2009, 06:08 AM
Hi:
Just have to talk. It's about 4:30 AM here in the Boston area. I woke up at about 3:30 AM with really severe pain. I'm scared. I often wake up with muscle spasms and pain. Since all this crap started, I have lost a ton of weight and the muscle pain, or whatever it is, gets so bad because I no longer have any fat as a buffer. I'm average height at 5'9" and my weight right now is hovering between 108-111 pounds. When this started I weighed about 135-140 pounds. I really am so underweight right now.
Males have body image issues too. I looked at myself when I was younger and I see this guy that had shoulders, and a chest, and good color. I looked at a photo from about three months ago and I look like a ghost. So damn skinny, pale and lifeless.
I'm divorced now so I'm living alone, and on nights like this I really feel so all alone when fighting pain like this. God, as if the days are not long enough! I need to be up all night too!
God, the pain is just not going away. Sometimes when it gets this bad I go the the ER, I never go in, I just sit in the parking lot and ride it out.
I need to go now as I need to go throw up. Sorry for being graphic, but pain can do that to me at times.
If anybody reads this, thanks for the ears.....
-Jimm
Just have to talk. It's about 4:30 AM here in the Boston area. I woke up at about 3:30 AM with really severe pain. I'm scared. I often wake up with muscle spasms and pain. Since all this crap started, I have lost a ton of weight and the muscle pain, or whatever it is, gets so bad because I no longer have any fat as a buffer. I'm average height at 5'9" and my weight right now is hovering between 108-111 pounds. When this started I weighed about 135-140 pounds. I really am so underweight right now.
Males have body image issues too. I looked at myself when I was younger and I see this guy that had shoulders, and a chest, and good color. I looked at a photo from about three months ago and I look like a ghost. So damn skinny, pale and lifeless.
I'm divorced now so I'm living alone, and on nights like this I really feel so all alone when fighting pain like this. God, as if the days are not long enough! I need to be up all night too!
God, the pain is just not going away. Sometimes when it gets this bad I go the the ER, I never go in, I just sit in the parking lot and ride it out.
I need to go now as I need to go throw up. Sorry for being graphic, but pain can do that to me at times.
If anybody reads this, thanks for the ears.....
-Jimm
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djl
02-20-2009, 10:47 AM
Hi Jimm,
I would talk to your doctor and maybe he/she can prescribe you something to give you more help. Also try taking hot baths before bed. That might help relax you too.
I wake up with pain on and off in the middle of the night. 2 nights ago was a tough one for me. Actualy yesturday I was driving and had to pull over because I was getting such muscle twitching/spasums in my leegs I had to massage them. You can actualy see the muscles twitching ...I hate it.
I hope you feel better.....
I would talk to your doctor and maybe he/she can prescribe you something to give you more help. Also try taking hot baths before bed. That might help relax you too.
I wake up with pain on and off in the middle of the night. 2 nights ago was a tough one for me. Actualy yesturday I was driving and had to pull over because I was getting such muscle twitching/spasums in my leegs I had to massage them. You can actualy see the muscles twitching ...I hate it.
I hope you feel better.....
4kids4me
02-20-2009, 11:15 AM
Gosh Jimm, I'm so sorry to hear that your pain is that bad. My pain is bad too, and I can totally relate to being up at o'dark thirty in the morning. It's an awful situation, and I do understand. I too have weight issures. I'm underweight also, but not nearly as bad. I'm 5'2" and weigh in at 105 fully dressed. I understand also that sometimes the pain can make you throw up, but on the same coin, I can see that there is a serious problem if it's making you do that often. I highly reccomend going in to the doctor and getting some medication for your symptoms. I don't know much about homeopathy, but I've heard good things about it, and I would also reccomend trying that. The point of all of my rambling is that you have a problem and your body is telling you that. It's really important that you go see some sort of physician asap, and get on the road to "recovery". You can have a full life, and you can be healthy. While it might not be what most people consider to be "normal" but it's better than the position you are in right now. I wish all the best for you, keep your chin up.
bluelakelady
02-20-2009, 11:53 AM
always know we are here for you. tho you cannot see us we are all around you.
i have no words to ease your pain. only compassion and understanding.
the body is what the body is. life and time alter the way it looks. no illness can alter the person you are within.
when i look in the mirror i see a woman who has lived life and still is. sure the package doesn't look hot anymore. i no longer care. i know life is about who i am not what i look like. this from a woman once very svelt and sultry. at some point life showed me it is what i am inside that decides my beauty, not what is outside. it is the same for all beings, gender aside.
i have trouble keeping weight on also. considering the alternatives, i accept mine with gratitude. giggle, like i have a choice? maybe that's what makes it so easy. knowing.
peace,
bluelakelady
i have no words to ease your pain. only compassion and understanding.
the body is what the body is. life and time alter the way it looks. no illness can alter the person you are within.
when i look in the mirror i see a woman who has lived life and still is. sure the package doesn't look hot anymore. i no longer care. i know life is about who i am not what i look like. this from a woman once very svelt and sultry. at some point life showed me it is what i am inside that decides my beauty, not what is outside. it is the same for all beings, gender aside.
i have trouble keeping weight on also. considering the alternatives, i accept mine with gratitude. giggle, like i have a choice? maybe that's what makes it so easy. knowing.
peace,
bluelakelady
BelleoftheSouth
02-20-2009, 06:29 PM
Hi Jimm..I'm sorry that you've found yourself here but know that you will get a ton of great advice.
First you need to go to a Rhumotologist(sp) and be tested for Fibro (tender spots)...also get checked for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Arthritis...Blood work for arthritis will come back negative..it normally does 98% of the time but get checked anyway.
Make sure you're tested for Hypothyroidism and Lupus. Talk to your Doctor if your body 'jerks and spasms' out of the blue.
Does your stomach kill you? Do you have to go to the bathroom and/or have you had 'accidents?" ..THEN talk to your Doctor about Irritable Bowle Syndrome..
With Fibro there are so many different things that hit the body that a person doesn't know if they're coming or going..so many different illness'wrapped up in one painful body...don't forget..depression, anxiety, stress, insomnia like to come along for the ride also if you're depressive prone.
Please drag yourself to your Doctor and get help...There are a lot of meds out there...some people can take them then theres people like me who are very very sensitive to meds so it's hit and miss with me.
Lycera seems to work for a lot of people PLUS the good side for you is that Lycera is known for putting weight on.
Good Luck Sweety and please come to us anytime.
OH, are you working? if not, have you applied for Social Security Disability? Please don't wait to apply if you're not working...
Does your family/friends help?
Remember again..We're here should you want to vent or complain..the people here have listened to me for a while and they've been so kind...you're amongst friends here.
Take Care.
Belle~
First you need to go to a Rhumotologist(sp) and be tested for Fibro (tender spots)...also get checked for Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and Arthritis...Blood work for arthritis will come back negative..it normally does 98% of the time but get checked anyway.
Make sure you're tested for Hypothyroidism and Lupus. Talk to your Doctor if your body 'jerks and spasms' out of the blue.
Does your stomach kill you? Do you have to go to the bathroom and/or have you had 'accidents?" ..THEN talk to your Doctor about Irritable Bowle Syndrome..
With Fibro there are so many different things that hit the body that a person doesn't know if they're coming or going..so many different illness'wrapped up in one painful body...don't forget..depression, anxiety, stress, insomnia like to come along for the ride also if you're depressive prone.
Please drag yourself to your Doctor and get help...There are a lot of meds out there...some people can take them then theres people like me who are very very sensitive to meds so it's hit and miss with me.
Lycera seems to work for a lot of people PLUS the good side for you is that Lycera is known for putting weight on.
Good Luck Sweety and please come to us anytime.
OH, are you working? if not, have you applied for Social Security Disability? Please don't wait to apply if you're not working...
Does your family/friends help?
Remember again..We're here should you want to vent or complain..the people here have listened to me for a while and they've been so kind...you're amongst friends here.
Take Care.
Belle~
chilyrabit
02-21-2009, 12:39 AM
Hi Jimm, I will certainly keep you in my thoughts. Meanwhile, I whole-heartedly believe that everything you are currently going through; the extreme pain, throwng up, worrying about your weight, etc... is just adding to your pain and making everything worse for you.
You sound very stressed out. Please know that stress is cumulative, regardless of whether it is good or bad; and obviously right now your stress is not good. Try to think of yourself as a glass of water which we'll say is 1/4 full for the sake of this example. That represents whatever your "normal" is. Then let's add your severe pain; maybe another 1/4 cup. Now add the throwing up and the worrying about your weight etc.. You are almost full. You don't want to overflow because where will the water go?
So, the solution is to seek help in whatever form that would be the most beneficial to you. I've read the other responses of homeopathic and testing and regular doctors. You have to choose something and by getting that help; you pour some of the water out by taking some of the worry, pain or whatever else you have going on at the time.
I recently went through a med change (long story) and the med they put me on didn't work and I ended up a really bad place, horrific pain, falling down with the jelly legs, muscles twitching everywhere. When I went back to the dr. I told her that I was extremely depressed and had never felt so depressed in my life. Because I see her regularly, she was able to say "no" you're not that depressed; it is just the level of pain that you are experiencing. She said that once my pain level went down along w/ some of the other symptoms, I would feel better. She was right.
I hope that you have a great dr. (if not, please find one & don't settle; you need one or a team that is going to treat you with respect, compassion and of course intelligence) and some kind of face to face support. We will all always be here for you. I just personally believe that having the face to face contact is beneficial.
Please let us know how you are doing. Best wishes -- I'll keep you in my thoughts.
You sound very stressed out. Please know that stress is cumulative, regardless of whether it is good or bad; and obviously right now your stress is not good. Try to think of yourself as a glass of water which we'll say is 1/4 full for the sake of this example. That represents whatever your "normal" is. Then let's add your severe pain; maybe another 1/4 cup. Now add the throwing up and the worrying about your weight etc.. You are almost full. You don't want to overflow because where will the water go?
So, the solution is to seek help in whatever form that would be the most beneficial to you. I've read the other responses of homeopathic and testing and regular doctors. You have to choose something and by getting that help; you pour some of the water out by taking some of the worry, pain or whatever else you have going on at the time.
I recently went through a med change (long story) and the med they put me on didn't work and I ended up a really bad place, horrific pain, falling down with the jelly legs, muscles twitching everywhere. When I went back to the dr. I told her that I was extremely depressed and had never felt so depressed in my life. Because I see her regularly, she was able to say "no" you're not that depressed; it is just the level of pain that you are experiencing. She said that once my pain level went down along w/ some of the other symptoms, I would feel better. She was right.
I hope that you have a great dr. (if not, please find one & don't settle; you need one or a team that is going to treat you with respect, compassion and of course intelligence) and some kind of face to face support. We will all always be here for you. I just personally believe that having the face to face contact is beneficial.
Please let us know how you are doing. Best wishes -- I'll keep you in my thoughts.
rosebuddy
02-21-2009, 02:04 PM
Have you seen a pain mgmt doctor? You need a health care provider who will help you heal. It doesn't have to be this bad. believe me when i first got fibro, i was so sick and i thought it would never get better, but i am almost symptom free now thanks mostly to my pain mgmt doc. I lost 6 lbs. in the beginning from depression. I cryed a lot too and felt just hopeless.
And I think that the nausea / weight loss may be another health problem separate from fibro. I suggest that you see a rheumatologist and ask for a thorough physical.
If you want, describe your pain and maybe we can let you know what worked for us. I hope so much that you will be feeling better soon.
And I think that the nausea / weight loss may be another health problem separate from fibro. I suggest that you see a rheumatologist and ask for a thorough physical.
If you want, describe your pain and maybe we can let you know what worked for us. I hope so much that you will be feeling better soon.
BeHappy2
02-21-2009, 08:40 PM
One thing i've learned with Fibro is you can not fight the pain, fighting the pain will only make pain worse. i take pain meds and muscle relaxant also at bedtime. If your doctor prescribed you these maybe you need a change of meds. Also if you're prescribed Lyrica and taking it, Lyrica can add weight gain to some. All meds don't work the same for everyone, it sounds you really need to see your doctor and be on a schedule of medications that will work for you. It may take awhile to discover what you need to relieve pain.
You seem to be in such terrible painful agony. Only you can take control, hopefully soon you can begin to tolerate your pain much easier.
A hot bath, rest and peace within your mind can be helpful.
Keep in touch with all of us here, we all care about you and are always here to listen.
BeHappy2
You seem to be in such terrible painful agony. Only you can take control, hopefully soon you can begin to tolerate your pain much easier.
A hot bath, rest and peace within your mind can be helpful.
Keep in touch with all of us here, we all care about you and are always here to listen.
BeHappy2
Glojer
02-22-2009, 03:39 PM
Jimm, coming here to vent is what we are here for. No matter what time of day or night, that is what is so beautiful about the boards, we can be here anytime. I know how tough it is, we all do, that is why we want to help you. If giving you an ear is what helps then we are here.
You have had some wonderful advice, you have to just find what will help you the most. Body image is a painful thing too, but being who you are at this point in time is more important, knowing that you are still the same great person you were when you had the better body image is what will get you through that. At my age my body image is not what it was when I was younger, but there isn't enough plastic surgery or body lifts and implants in the world to do that.....giggle. Now I know you had to laugh at that one. I could put a lot of people back to work trying to fix me up to look 20 again.
We are here for you, and next time you feel like you need the ER, go inside just don't sit in the car maybe they can help you.
Glojer
You have had some wonderful advice, you have to just find what will help you the most. Body image is a painful thing too, but being who you are at this point in time is more important, knowing that you are still the same great person you were when you had the better body image is what will get you through that. At my age my body image is not what it was when I was younger, but there isn't enough plastic surgery or body lifts and implants in the world to do that.....giggle. Now I know you had to laugh at that one. I could put a lot of people back to work trying to fix me up to look 20 again.
We are here for you, and next time you feel like you need the ER, go inside just don't sit in the car maybe they can help you.
Glojer
Snickers60
02-23-2009, 01:18 PM
I use a homepathic med call Traumeel by Heel.......it's the best, the best antiflammatory WITHOUT ANY SIDE AFFECTS that I've ever taken. I would not be without it. It actually gives me energy and less stiffness also.
Also read my post on Vinegar.
Don't go to E.R. and just sit.......run a huge tub of warm (not hot) water and put 2 bottles of peroxide (buy at dollar store) and 1 box of epsom salt. It wil put the magneisum back into your muscles and detox the bad stuff.
If you do go to E.R. go in.......they should give you something.
I'd talk to my doctor about the throwing up and weight loss........and stress could be doing it. The emotions of being alone and in such suffering....it can all make it worse and our bodies react.
I hope some of these natural things might help you in the meantime.
Sooooooo sorry you're sooooooooooo bad............I've been real bad all winter as I think most have been this year....it's been a tough one. You're not alone.
BLESSINGS AND HEALTH, SNICKERS60
Also read my post on Vinegar.
Don't go to E.R. and just sit.......run a huge tub of warm (not hot) water and put 2 bottles of peroxide (buy at dollar store) and 1 box of epsom salt. It wil put the magneisum back into your muscles and detox the bad stuff.
If you do go to E.R. go in.......they should give you something.
I'd talk to my doctor about the throwing up and weight loss........and stress could be doing it. The emotions of being alone and in such suffering....it can all make it worse and our bodies react.
I hope some of these natural things might help you in the meantime.
Sooooooo sorry you're sooooooooooo bad............I've been real bad all winter as I think most have been this year....it's been a tough one. You're not alone.
BLESSINGS AND HEALTH, SNICKERS60
saugus
03-12-2009, 04:15 PM
...And I think that the nausea / weight loss may be another health problem separate from fibro. I suggest that you see a rheumatologist and ask for a thorough physical.
You're right, I have found out I have some other major problems. Not ready to talk about it yet. Still coming to grips...
Thanks for the advice......
Had a dream last night as I finally drifted off about 3AM.
I was in deep water, with a waterfall above and a waterfall below. The water was of the most beautiful green and blue hues that I have ever seen. It was as if the pool of water was suspended in the sky. I could sense the water falling, as if off a cliff, but there were no visible edges. The swells would rise and fall, lifting my body upward, and then downward, in the gentlest of ways. I was treading water with no effort. I felt no pain. I felt no fatigue. I was in state of complete calmness, as if in harmony with all around me. I was warm. As I made my way to the bottom edge of this transparent pool, I looked down and saw the water falling, but there was no bottom. This beautiful water just fell to infinity. I slowly drifted to the edge and let the power of a rising swell take me over the edge. I felt no fear, as I knew I was going home. I would never again feel the pain that has consumed my very being. And then I dreamt I was flying………
You're right, I have found out I have some other major problems. Not ready to talk about it yet. Still coming to grips...
Thanks for the advice......
Had a dream last night as I finally drifted off about 3AM.
I was in deep water, with a waterfall above and a waterfall below. The water was of the most beautiful green and blue hues that I have ever seen. It was as if the pool of water was suspended in the sky. I could sense the water falling, as if off a cliff, but there were no visible edges. The swells would rise and fall, lifting my body upward, and then downward, in the gentlest of ways. I was treading water with no effort. I felt no pain. I felt no fatigue. I was in state of complete calmness, as if in harmony with all around me. I was warm. As I made my way to the bottom edge of this transparent pool, I looked down and saw the water falling, but there was no bottom. This beautiful water just fell to infinity. I slowly drifted to the edge and let the power of a rising swell take me over the edge. I felt no fear, as I knew I was going home. I would never again feel the pain that has consumed my very being. And then I dreamt I was flying………
4kids4me
03-12-2009, 04:27 PM
Wow, that sounds like a beautiful dream. I wish I had dreams like that. Mine are more like people chasing me, or tearing my limbs off, or the ones that you fall and startle yourself awake. I sure would love to have a dream like yours!
ngtstrm
03-13-2009, 11:46 AM
Hi, Jimm. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time. I just wanted to let you know that you really touched me (and my husband) in a powerful way. (You can read my story on your other thread "Confession of a male with Fibromyalgia", if you like.) Best wishes to you, my friend. And, from one "techie" to another, don't wait to get the medical help you need, my dear. Waiting just makes all of it (pain, depression, lack of energy, isolation, etc) so much worse. Namaste.
saugus
03-30-2009, 12:42 PM
You're right, I have found out I have some other major problems. Not ready to talk about it yet. Still coming to grips...
Been quite a while since I've visited the boards. I hope all my fellow FM'ers are hanging in the best you can. I know I really never really participate in other threads. Sorry. I do read them, and I do care.
I'm sort of going crazy and withdrawing, so I guess it's time to update. My therapist says I tend to keep everything inside. Gee, what an insight!
After tests, including an MRI, I found out that I have Pancreatic issues. Chronic pancreatitis. Pretty scary stuff. I'm lucky enough to live in the Boston area and I have tests coming up at Beth-Israel Deaconess to further evaluate the situation. I was told that only 4 US Hospitals can perform this procedure and I'm lucky enough that Beth is in Boston.
They followed that up with an upper CT with contrast and also discovered that I have severe COPD.
Basically my understanding, at this point, is that both are chronic and there really is no treatment or "magical" reversal possible. The treatment plan is one of providing comfort and pain relief.
As far as FM is concerned, consensus is still yes. I know it is yes. I still have all the symptoms that define it. So I guess it's several things going on at one time. Dealing as best I can. I know I'm looking at my own mortality right now.
Has my wild youth as a rock-n-roll musician caught up with me? I have no idea. They have no idea. I was wild and spent a good part of my life playing in clubs and bars before I became a responsible engineering type.. No regrets here at all! The best times of my life! Hey, I got to party with Aerosmith. I got to know Aimee Mann and Laurie Sargent. Those in the Boston area probably remember "Face-to-Face". Not the new. Ugh, Face to Face, the 80s Face to Face.
I met my wife, now ex, playing in Boston. Best thing that ever happened to me. We were so opposite, but God I loved her! I hope she's happy wherever she is these days.
I woke up the other night with a melody in my head. I only sleep in spurts of about 2-3 hours. But man, it was written in my head. I turned on my recording equipment and got it down. The lyrics were also in my head.
I can't deal right now. Overload. I'll take the risk and share them. What's the worse that could happen? Hey, I'm weird. First to admit it.
For you my Love. My first love. My forever love. Forgive me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dark almond shaped eyes full of life across a smoky bar
Watched the lost boy on stage playing the part of star.
Dark haired beauty so full of innocence and light
Reeled in the boy’s heart, which was so lost in the night.
As his notes of turmoil and darkness engulfed her ears
His trap was sprung with her first fallen tear.
With her heart so open and his so bound
Begins the tragedy on which their relationship was found...
He was always searching for a pinpoint of time in the past
So hurried, his time was limited, he was burning fast.
He was a black hole unable to see the light,
She a calm blue moon beam, gentle, yet bright
She longed calmness and took the time to dream.
His dreams always ended in silent screams.
He now paces back and forth so lost and alone in the night
He even smashed the street lamp to kill all traces of light.
For it was casting his shadow across the far wall
Causing him to panic, so long and hard was his fall.
It still bewilders him as to why she stayed so long
For she was so loving and he was so far gone….
I stole the light from your eyes
Built a prison and locked you inside.
On the high seas I made a bronze beauty pale
Placed you in a coffin and became the nail.
I remember the Sun reflecting in a thousand ways
So I became the black monolith
For sin’s not your own, I made you pay.
Your love was unconditional and pure
But my inner blindness made me unsure.
Before my eyes your very being began to fade
And on that day I knew you would leave.
I was living such a lie
Reached up and broke your rainbow in the sky.
I wanted to follow the anchor line down
Feel my lungs fill and drown.
At that point the skies would begin to clear
Sweet Nancy, no more tears.
On your face the warm breeze
My death would set you free.
To this day your beauty is forever etched within my soul.
At night I still glance to my right,
And in that brief second between presence and illusion
I feel your pureness and light.
Been quite a while since I've visited the boards. I hope all my fellow FM'ers are hanging in the best you can. I know I really never really participate in other threads. Sorry. I do read them, and I do care.
I'm sort of going crazy and withdrawing, so I guess it's time to update. My therapist says I tend to keep everything inside. Gee, what an insight!
After tests, including an MRI, I found out that I have Pancreatic issues. Chronic pancreatitis. Pretty scary stuff. I'm lucky enough to live in the Boston area and I have tests coming up at Beth-Israel Deaconess to further evaluate the situation. I was told that only 4 US Hospitals can perform this procedure and I'm lucky enough that Beth is in Boston.
They followed that up with an upper CT with contrast and also discovered that I have severe COPD.
Basically my understanding, at this point, is that both are chronic and there really is no treatment or "magical" reversal possible. The treatment plan is one of providing comfort and pain relief.
As far as FM is concerned, consensus is still yes. I know it is yes. I still have all the symptoms that define it. So I guess it's several things going on at one time. Dealing as best I can. I know I'm looking at my own mortality right now.
Has my wild youth as a rock-n-roll musician caught up with me? I have no idea. They have no idea. I was wild and spent a good part of my life playing in clubs and bars before I became a responsible engineering type.. No regrets here at all! The best times of my life! Hey, I got to party with Aerosmith. I got to know Aimee Mann and Laurie Sargent. Those in the Boston area probably remember "Face-to-Face". Not the new. Ugh, Face to Face, the 80s Face to Face.
I met my wife, now ex, playing in Boston. Best thing that ever happened to me. We were so opposite, but God I loved her! I hope she's happy wherever she is these days.
I woke up the other night with a melody in my head. I only sleep in spurts of about 2-3 hours. But man, it was written in my head. I turned on my recording equipment and got it down. The lyrics were also in my head.
I can't deal right now. Overload. I'll take the risk and share them. What's the worse that could happen? Hey, I'm weird. First to admit it.
For you my Love. My first love. My forever love. Forgive me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dark almond shaped eyes full of life across a smoky bar
Watched the lost boy on stage playing the part of star.
Dark haired beauty so full of innocence and light
Reeled in the boy’s heart, which was so lost in the night.
As his notes of turmoil and darkness engulfed her ears
His trap was sprung with her first fallen tear.
With her heart so open and his so bound
Begins the tragedy on which their relationship was found...
He was always searching for a pinpoint of time in the past
So hurried, his time was limited, he was burning fast.
He was a black hole unable to see the light,
She a calm blue moon beam, gentle, yet bright
She longed calmness and took the time to dream.
His dreams always ended in silent screams.
He now paces back and forth so lost and alone in the night
He even smashed the street lamp to kill all traces of light.
For it was casting his shadow across the far wall
Causing him to panic, so long and hard was his fall.
It still bewilders him as to why she stayed so long
For she was so loving and he was so far gone….
I stole the light from your eyes
Built a prison and locked you inside.
On the high seas I made a bronze beauty pale
Placed you in a coffin and became the nail.
I remember the Sun reflecting in a thousand ways
So I became the black monolith
For sin’s not your own, I made you pay.
Your love was unconditional and pure
But my inner blindness made me unsure.
Before my eyes your very being began to fade
And on that day I knew you would leave.
I was living such a lie
Reached up and broke your rainbow in the sky.
I wanted to follow the anchor line down
Feel my lungs fill and drown.
At that point the skies would begin to clear
Sweet Nancy, no more tears.
On your face the warm breeze
My death would set you free.
To this day your beauty is forever etched within my soul.
At night I still glance to my right,
And in that brief second between presence and illusion
I feel your pureness and light.
djl
03-30-2009, 01:21 PM
saugus...
That was so beautiful !! I wish I had dreams like that !!
I could so use that..Im am flaring and so nausueas..and went to the dentist and to top it off I need root canal !!
I am going to closes my eyes and try to picture myself in your happy calm place !!
That was so beautiful !! I wish I had dreams like that !!
I could so use that..Im am flaring and so nausueas..and went to the dentist and to top it off I need root canal !!
I am going to closes my eyes and try to picture myself in your happy calm place !!
MizSpentyouth2
03-30-2009, 03:40 PM
Been quite a while since I've visited the boards. I hope all my fellow FM'ers are hanging in the best you can. I know I really never really participate in other threads. Sorry. I do read them, and I do care.
I'm sort of going crazy and withdrawing, so I guess it's time to update. My therapist says I tend to keep everything inside. Gee, what an insight!
After tests, including an MRI, I found out that I have Pancreatic issues. Chronic pancreatitis. Pretty scary stuff. I'm lucky enough to live in the Boston area and I have tests coming up at Beth-Israel Deaconess to further evaluate the situation. I was told that only 4 US Hospitals can perform this procedure and I'm lucky enough that Beth is in Boston.
They followed that up with an upper CT with contrast and also discovered that I have severe COPD.
Basically my understanding, at this point, is that both are chronic and there really is no treatment or "magical" reversal possible. The treatment plan is one of providing comfort and pain relief.
As far as FM is concerned, consensus is still yes. I know it is yes. I still have all the symptoms that define it. So I guess it's several things going on at one time. Dealing as best I can. I know I'm looking at my own mortality right now.
Has my wild youth as a rock-n-roll musician caught up with me? I have no idea. They have no idea. I was wild and spent a good part of my life playing in clubs and bars before I became a responsible engineering type.. No regrets here at all! The best times of my life! Hey, I got to party with Aerosmith. I got to know Aimee Mann and Laurie Sargent. Those in the Boston area probably remember "Face-to-Face". Not the new. Ugh, Face to Face, the 80s Face to Face.
I met my wife, now ex, playing in Boston. Best thing that ever happened to me. We were so opposite, but God I loved her! I hope she's happy wherever she is these days.
I woke up the other night with a melody in my head. I only sleep in spurts of about 2-3 hours. But man, it was written in my head. I turned on my recording equipment and got it down. The lyrics were also in my head.
I can't deal right now. Overload. I'll take the risk and share them. What's the worse that could happen? Hey, I'm weird. First to admit it.
For you my Love. My first love. My forever love. Forgive me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dark almond shaped eyes full of life across a smoky bar
Watched the lost boy on stage playing the part of star.
Dark haired beauty so full of innocence and light
Reeled in the boy’s heart, which was so lost in the night.
As his notes of turmoil and darkness engulfed her ears
His trap was sprung with her first fallen tear.
With her heart so open and his so bound
Begins the tragedy on which their relationship was found...
He was always searching for a pinpoint of time in the past
So hurried, his time was limited, he was burning fast.
He was a black hole unable to see the light,
She a calm blue moon beam, gentle, yet bright
She longed calmness and took the time to dream.
His dreams always ended in silent screams.
He now paces back and forth so lost and alone in the night
He even smashed the street lamp to kill all traces of light.
For it was casting his shadow across the far wall
Causing him to panic, so long and hard was his fall.
It still bewilders him as to why she stayed so long
For she was so loving and he was so far gone….
I stole the light from your eyes
Built a prison and locked you inside.
On the high seas I made a bronze beauty pale
Placed you in a coffin and became the nail.
I remember the Sun reflecting in a thousand ways
So I became the black monolith
For sin’s not your own, I made you pay.
Your love was unconditional and pure
But my inner blindness made me unsure.
Before my eyes your very being began to fade
And on that day I knew you would leave.
I was living such a lie
Reached up and broke your rainbow in the sky.
I wanted to follow the anchor line down
Feel my lungs fill and drown.
At that point the skies would begin to clear
Sweet Nancy, no more tears.
On your face the warm breeze
My death would set you free.
To this day your beauty is forever etched within my soul.
At night I still glance to my right,
And in that brief second between presence and illusion
I feel your pureness and light.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this,I hope you find some relief from the pain, hugs Miz
I'm sort of going crazy and withdrawing, so I guess it's time to update. My therapist says I tend to keep everything inside. Gee, what an insight!
After tests, including an MRI, I found out that I have Pancreatic issues. Chronic pancreatitis. Pretty scary stuff. I'm lucky enough to live in the Boston area and I have tests coming up at Beth-Israel Deaconess to further evaluate the situation. I was told that only 4 US Hospitals can perform this procedure and I'm lucky enough that Beth is in Boston.
They followed that up with an upper CT with contrast and also discovered that I have severe COPD.
Basically my understanding, at this point, is that both are chronic and there really is no treatment or "magical" reversal possible. The treatment plan is one of providing comfort and pain relief.
As far as FM is concerned, consensus is still yes. I know it is yes. I still have all the symptoms that define it. So I guess it's several things going on at one time. Dealing as best I can. I know I'm looking at my own mortality right now.
Has my wild youth as a rock-n-roll musician caught up with me? I have no idea. They have no idea. I was wild and spent a good part of my life playing in clubs and bars before I became a responsible engineering type.. No regrets here at all! The best times of my life! Hey, I got to party with Aerosmith. I got to know Aimee Mann and Laurie Sargent. Those in the Boston area probably remember "Face-to-Face". Not the new. Ugh, Face to Face, the 80s Face to Face.
I met my wife, now ex, playing in Boston. Best thing that ever happened to me. We were so opposite, but God I loved her! I hope she's happy wherever she is these days.
I woke up the other night with a melody in my head. I only sleep in spurts of about 2-3 hours. But man, it was written in my head. I turned on my recording equipment and got it down. The lyrics were also in my head.
I can't deal right now. Overload. I'll take the risk and share them. What's the worse that could happen? Hey, I'm weird. First to admit it.
For you my Love. My first love. My forever love. Forgive me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dark almond shaped eyes full of life across a smoky bar
Watched the lost boy on stage playing the part of star.
Dark haired beauty so full of innocence and light
Reeled in the boy’s heart, which was so lost in the night.
As his notes of turmoil and darkness engulfed her ears
His trap was sprung with her first fallen tear.
With her heart so open and his so bound
Begins the tragedy on which their relationship was found...
He was always searching for a pinpoint of time in the past
So hurried, his time was limited, he was burning fast.
He was a black hole unable to see the light,
She a calm blue moon beam, gentle, yet bright
She longed calmness and took the time to dream.
His dreams always ended in silent screams.
He now paces back and forth so lost and alone in the night
He even smashed the street lamp to kill all traces of light.
For it was casting his shadow across the far wall
Causing him to panic, so long and hard was his fall.
It still bewilders him as to why she stayed so long
For she was so loving and he was so far gone….
I stole the light from your eyes
Built a prison and locked you inside.
On the high seas I made a bronze beauty pale
Placed you in a coffin and became the nail.
I remember the Sun reflecting in a thousand ways
So I became the black monolith
For sin’s not your own, I made you pay.
Your love was unconditional and pure
But my inner blindness made me unsure.
Before my eyes your very being began to fade
And on that day I knew you would leave.
I was living such a lie
Reached up and broke your rainbow in the sky.
I wanted to follow the anchor line down
Feel my lungs fill and drown.
At that point the skies would begin to clear
Sweet Nancy, no more tears.
On your face the warm breeze
My death would set you free.
To this day your beauty is forever etched within my soul.
At night I still glance to my right,
And in that brief second between presence and illusion
I feel your pureness and light.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing this,I hope you find some relief from the pain, hugs Miz
sweetjerseygirl
03-30-2009, 07:37 PM
That really was a beautiful dream and what lovely lyrics you have written, im sorry you are suffering so much, the dream should have given you a message. we are hear to help if and when you need it. This is a wonderful place to be but i notice men do not stick around too often for whatever reason, so if it helps a bit, so be it, let the sun shine in and take care of yourself :angel:
BeHappy2
04-01-2009, 11:08 PM
Saugus , Please keep in touch with us all here, we are here to listen and share our thoughts and concerns.
Thank goodness you live near a good healthcare(Beth) .
Music is a beautiful peace of mind, your talents may sooth your soul.
Share with us any of your mind song writings, they are wonderful !!!
Wish you Well
BeHappy2
Thank goodness you live near a good healthcare(Beth) .
Music is a beautiful peace of mind, your talents may sooth your soul.
Share with us any of your mind song writings, they are wonderful !!!
Wish you Well
BeHappy2