dkwfl
02-26-2009, 05:42 PM
Hello, my name is Debbie and I live in West Central Florida. My MIL had a massive stroke almost 6 years ago. But before the stroke, I noticed that she was unable to follow conversations, and she had a lot of nasty,spoiled food in the house, and notes sticking everywhere. I really didn't know anything much about Alzheimers at the time; but in the past 6 years I found out. The doc and neurologists both dx her with Alzheimers plus the fact that she has multi-infarct dementia from the stroke.
It will be 6 years in June and I am so tired and hubby is stressed. She has declined to the point to where she is in late stage 6. Along with all of this "new found fun things she is doing", now she seems to have lost her ability to hear (more like understand). It was difficult to decipher the wrong words before the seemingly hearing loss, ;but now it is torment. I bought the little device, you put it in your ears like on TV, and you can hear 90 feet away. Wow, that seemed to be the ticket. But now she won't use it, cause it hurts her ears. She won't use headphones cause it musses her hair. Hearing aids are out of the question. She flatly refuses that. She is 92 years old and as vain as a narcistic teenager.
Thanks for letting me introduce myself. Anybody else got any ideas on the hearing thing. The TV is killing us.
Sincerely,
Debbie
It will be 6 years in June and I am so tired and hubby is stressed. She has declined to the point to where she is in late stage 6. Along with all of this "new found fun things she is doing", now she seems to have lost her ability to hear (more like understand). It was difficult to decipher the wrong words before the seemingly hearing loss, ;but now it is torment. I bought the little device, you put it in your ears like on TV, and you can hear 90 feet away. Wow, that seemed to be the ticket. But now she won't use it, cause it hurts her ears. She won't use headphones cause it musses her hair. Hearing aids are out of the question. She flatly refuses that. She is 92 years old and as vain as a narcistic teenager.
Thanks for letting me introduce myself. Anybody else got any ideas on the hearing thing. The TV is killing us.
Sincerely,
Debbie
Sponsor
mitsy
02-26-2009, 06:02 PM
Welcome to the board, I know by now you must be hitting your head on the wall. It seems so obvious if that person wants to do something they would do what is necessary to make that happen.
My MIL is vain too. She doesn't want anyone to see her using the walker or a cane, so she just stays home and then complains because she can never go out.
Can you tell her the police came over and said that there is a noise disturbance and the tv must be turned down? Maybe she would use the headphones then. What about a set of headphones that go around the back of the head?
It is very frustrating to know that you are trying to take care of them and at the same time you feel that they could at least cooperate some. Is she living at your house?
I'm sure you'll find some other suggestions by the members on the board. Good Luck and hang in there.
My MIL is vain too. She doesn't want anyone to see her using the walker or a cane, so she just stays home and then complains because she can never go out.
Can you tell her the police came over and said that there is a noise disturbance and the tv must be turned down? Maybe she would use the headphones then. What about a set of headphones that go around the back of the head?
It is very frustrating to know that you are trying to take care of them and at the same time you feel that they could at least cooperate some. Is she living at your house?
I'm sure you'll find some other suggestions by the members on the board. Good Luck and hang in there.
Martha H
02-26-2009, 07:57 PM
My Mom passed away from Dementia over a year ago. When I was still living with her she also had the TV on very loud because of hearing problems. BUT - all that changed as she declined in mental ability. She forgot how to turn the TV on. She forgot hw to change stations. She couldn't make sense of what she was watching. Soon she lost all interest in television, having already lost interest in reading.
If your MIL is in stage 6, maybe it is time for her to be in a good nursing home? There, some other people will be gathered around the TV and it will be plenty loud for all to hear. Those not intersted can go somewhere else. I was with Mom for 5 years and she may have been at stage 5 when she had to go to the NH after breaking her hip ... but I don't think I could have put up with her much longer. She was not a difficult person, was always pretty calm and good natured, but all the problems with incontinence and potties, and forgetting to wash/wipe or how to dress or what to wear and what NOT to do with the stove and toaster, and what happened to all her money, and ''what are you doing in my house?" in the middle of the night, etc etc took a toll on me. My family and I found the NH a good solution, where she was pretty happy until she got sick and passed away after 2.5 years, at the age of 99. She had shown symptoms of Dementia for at least 8 years by then.
Good luck!
Martha
If your MIL is in stage 6, maybe it is time for her to be in a good nursing home? There, some other people will be gathered around the TV and it will be plenty loud for all to hear. Those not intersted can go somewhere else. I was with Mom for 5 years and she may have been at stage 5 when she had to go to the NH after breaking her hip ... but I don't think I could have put up with her much longer. She was not a difficult person, was always pretty calm and good natured, but all the problems with incontinence and potties, and forgetting to wash/wipe or how to dress or what to wear and what NOT to do with the stove and toaster, and what happened to all her money, and ''what are you doing in my house?" in the middle of the night, etc etc took a toll on me. My family and I found the NH a good solution, where she was pretty happy until she got sick and passed away after 2.5 years, at the age of 99. She had shown symptoms of Dementia for at least 8 years by then.
Good luck!
Martha
DGabriel10
02-27-2009, 12:41 AM
Welcome to the board Debbie. It sounds like you have had a long road so far. I can absolutely relate to the hearing problem. Both of my parents have dementia. Dad has vascular dementia and Mom has ALZ. Both have a hearing loss as well which was diagnosed before the dementia. Mom also has a diagnosed verbal processing deficiency so she doesn't understand the spoken word as well as she shoud.
Dad rarely gets out of bed without putting in his hearing aids. If he does forget a simple reminder and he will put them in. But he had worn then for years before dementia. He has less trouble processing what he hears but forgets it almost immediately.
Mom on the other hand is the poster child for vanity. She refuses to wear her hearing aids. Head phones are OUT. She hates ear buds. The TV is loud enough to hear it in the next city. But I have noticed that she reads the scroll lines rather than listens to the voices. That is one reason she watches the news so much. They have great scroll lines she can read. Even what she hears is not processed correctly. Then she forgets what eventually does get through. My sister has made a crusade of getting her to wear her hearing aid but even when she does the auditory processing is not there to understand what she is hearing so the effect is the same. Mom has two good hearing aids for the same ear because she "lost" hers under warrenty, had it replaced, and then found the first one in her winter bathrobe pocket the next fall.
Funny story about hearing aids. Dad had one that was not working at all. He had been wearing it for some time broken when the battery holder broke off his other hearing aid. We finally ordered him a new one and sent the other one to be fixed so he was without hearing aids. Dad "borrowed" one of Mom's. Well that left Mom with one. But Dad was used to having two so he eventually swipped her other one and managed to put it in the other ear. Mom complained for two weeks saying..... I don't care if he uses one but I would like to have the other one back. We would take one from him and give it to her, she would take it out and lay it down, and he would get it back. Then it would start all over again. This went on several times a day until the new and repaired hearing aids were delivered. lol
With Mom, hearing aid or not, she still has problems processing auditory input and is also having trouble finding the words she needs. This is more a part of the disease than a function of hearing. They will eventually lose their language ability completely. This is part of the ALZ process. So my guess is that this is more a function of the disease than hearing.
Love, deb
Dad rarely gets out of bed without putting in his hearing aids. If he does forget a simple reminder and he will put them in. But he had worn then for years before dementia. He has less trouble processing what he hears but forgets it almost immediately.
Mom on the other hand is the poster child for vanity. She refuses to wear her hearing aids. Head phones are OUT. She hates ear buds. The TV is loud enough to hear it in the next city. But I have noticed that she reads the scroll lines rather than listens to the voices. That is one reason she watches the news so much. They have great scroll lines she can read. Even what she hears is not processed correctly. Then she forgets what eventually does get through. My sister has made a crusade of getting her to wear her hearing aid but even when she does the auditory processing is not there to understand what she is hearing so the effect is the same. Mom has two good hearing aids for the same ear because she "lost" hers under warrenty, had it replaced, and then found the first one in her winter bathrobe pocket the next fall.
Funny story about hearing aids. Dad had one that was not working at all. He had been wearing it for some time broken when the battery holder broke off his other hearing aid. We finally ordered him a new one and sent the other one to be fixed so he was without hearing aids. Dad "borrowed" one of Mom's. Well that left Mom with one. But Dad was used to having two so he eventually swipped her other one and managed to put it in the other ear. Mom complained for two weeks saying..... I don't care if he uses one but I would like to have the other one back. We would take one from him and give it to her, she would take it out and lay it down, and he would get it back. Then it would start all over again. This went on several times a day until the new and repaired hearing aids were delivered. lol
With Mom, hearing aid or not, she still has problems processing auditory input and is also having trouble finding the words she needs. This is more a part of the disease than a function of hearing. They will eventually lose their language ability completely. This is part of the ALZ process. So my guess is that this is more a function of the disease than hearing.
Love, deb
jmmgt
02-27-2009, 11:56 PM
Debbie, sorry for what you're going through. I cared for my 91 yr. old grandmother with Alz. at home for 6 yrs. until last month when she fell and broke her hip. She's now in a nursing home and doing as well as can be expected. I agree with Martha that maybe you should consider nursing home placement. I know it's a difficult thing to consider, and I wasn't able to do it until circumstances forced it, but almost all of us get to a point one way or another where it's the best solution.
Nursing homes get a bad rap, but most of them I've visited are good places.
I'm so satisfied with the NH where my grandmother is; she gets excellent care.
My grandmother didn't have the hearing problems your MIL had, but she had her own set of "issues" many of them with grooming, and it had gotten to the point where she fought with me on trying to get her to do anything; I could do nothing with her. It is amazing to me that the workers at the NH can groom her and do all the things she wouldn't let me do, and she is so docile and doesn't put up a fight at all. My relationship with her is so much better.
When I visit her we can just enjoy being together without the stress and frustration that was there when we lived together.
Good luck!
Joel
Nursing homes get a bad rap, but most of them I've visited are good places.
I'm so satisfied with the NH where my grandmother is; she gets excellent care.
My grandmother didn't have the hearing problems your MIL had, but she had her own set of "issues" many of them with grooming, and it had gotten to the point where she fought with me on trying to get her to do anything; I could do nothing with her. It is amazing to me that the workers at the NH can groom her and do all the things she wouldn't let me do, and she is so docile and doesn't put up a fight at all. My relationship with her is so much better.
When I visit her we can just enjoy being together without the stress and frustration that was there when we lived together.
Good luck!
Joel
dkwfl
02-28-2009, 05:32 PM
Thanks Joel,
I am not sure what I am doing to reply will notify you; but thanks for your advice. Hubby wants to keep her at home as long as we can. We know that the decision will probably be facing us sometime this year. Yesterday I took her to the beauty problem and we had a hard time getting her to step out of the chair. No matter what I did, gently lifting her right foot, nothing was happening. She took one look at her walker, and pronounced it was a bicycle.
Luckily she responded to a hairdresser in the shop.
Debbie
I am not sure what I am doing to reply will notify you; but thanks for your advice. Hubby wants to keep her at home as long as we can. We know that the decision will probably be facing us sometime this year. Yesterday I took her to the beauty problem and we had a hard time getting her to step out of the chair. No matter what I did, gently lifting her right foot, nothing was happening. She took one look at her walker, and pronounced it was a bicycle.
Luckily she responded to a hairdresser in the shop.
Debbie
ibake&pray
03-01-2009, 12:47 AM
Welcome Debbie,
Just a quick question. Does your hubby have both medical and durable POA for his mom and is he also on all of her bank accounts? This is really the first thing that we reccommend to people who find us as you will need it when you have to visit Dr. etc as she gets worse. It may be alright now, but the HIPPA laws will cause alot of grief as she progresses.
BTW, how far did you get with the bicycle? LOL.....
I lost my mother a year ago to this disease. My father had vascular dementia. He died of an AAA, and my mother followed him 5 weeks later, so I am well versed in this horrid disease. We welcome you to our group. It's a scary place, Planet Alzheimer..both for your hubby Mom, and for you and him! I' great that he wants to keep her at home, but that's a HUGE undertaking for YOU more so than him-if we know anything about husbands....
Just a quick question. Does your hubby have both medical and durable POA for his mom and is he also on all of her bank accounts? This is really the first thing that we reccommend to people who find us as you will need it when you have to visit Dr. etc as she gets worse. It may be alright now, but the HIPPA laws will cause alot of grief as she progresses.
BTW, how far did you get with the bicycle? LOL.....
I lost my mother a year ago to this disease. My father had vascular dementia. He died of an AAA, and my mother followed him 5 weeks later, so I am well versed in this horrid disease. We welcome you to our group. It's a scary place, Planet Alzheimer..both for your hubby Mom, and for you and him! I' great that he wants to keep her at home, but that's a HUGE undertaking for YOU more so than him-if we know anything about husbands....
petal*pusher
03-01-2009, 06:57 PM
Debbie...so glad you found your way here...this is a long treacherous journey...and we're all taking it together.
Keep posting...you'll find much help here........Pam;)
Keep posting...you'll find much help here........Pam;)
caringsister54
03-02-2009, 11:13 AM
when it comes to taking mom to the palor to get her hair done. You may want to call the palor and you'll be surprised that they may want to come to the house.
They have contraptions that can be used when the person is laying down in bed or even sitting in a chair.
investigate it, you'll find that it will help.
CaringSister54
They have contraptions that can be used when the person is laying down in bed or even sitting in a chair.
investigate it, you'll find that it will help.
CaringSister54
ArtyTart17
03-11-2009, 05:05 AM
Hi, my Mum has drug induced ALZ and at 70 she is a pain in the ^&*@ but she is fine, just ask her and we have the problems. Her hearing is also going fast and one night we were at my sisters home and we were ordering Chinese. "What do you want?" was being asked of everyone in the house. My mother suddenly brightened up and said "you want me to lay an egg?" Pardon the pun but it cracked my sister and I up terribly and then she wanted to know why we were laughing. I think we tried to tell her but to no avail, so we just told her she was having sweet and sour pork and she accepted that was it. By the way I am a newbie and I will be hanging around now I have found this site. I am so sad that so many people are dealing with this terrible problem. Love and good luck to all. Tanya
DGabriel10
03-11-2009, 09:59 PM
Welcome to our little corner of crazy Tanya. Sorry you have to deal with this disease but you will fit right in here. I had to laugh at your story as well. Reminds me of the day we were talking about going to the peach and Nanny thought we were going to get her a peach. Yep, we ended up finding her a peach before we went to the beach.
Your Mom sounds like mine. She has ALZ and her hearing is going as well. She can be a royal pain but if you ask her it's not her that has the problem, it's all of us. Right now she is back on her "I am going home" kick. My Dad also has vascular dementia. They had to be moved to assisted living about 18 months ago. Mom thinks she can take Dad back home and they will be fine. It's beside the point that they were NOT fine when they were there. So we blame it on Dad. He needs to be there. It works about 5 days out of 7. The other two we just hang on for the ride.
Hope to hear from you often. This is a great place for sharing the load, caring for each other, giving advice, venting, and generally trying to find a little sanity in this crazy world. Here's your first stack of towels. We have found they are necessary when traveling on Planet ALZ. You can cry in them, hold on to them for support, mop up Mom's spills with them, or even tie Mom down with them. The uses are endless. So again welcome :) We look forward to hearing more about you and your Mom.
Love, deb
Your Mom sounds like mine. She has ALZ and her hearing is going as well. She can be a royal pain but if you ask her it's not her that has the problem, it's all of us. Right now she is back on her "I am going home" kick. My Dad also has vascular dementia. They had to be moved to assisted living about 18 months ago. Mom thinks she can take Dad back home and they will be fine. It's beside the point that they were NOT fine when they were there. So we blame it on Dad. He needs to be there. It works about 5 days out of 7. The other two we just hang on for the ride.
Hope to hear from you often. This is a great place for sharing the load, caring for each other, giving advice, venting, and generally trying to find a little sanity in this crazy world. Here's your first stack of towels. We have found they are necessary when traveling on Planet ALZ. You can cry in them, hold on to them for support, mop up Mom's spills with them, or even tie Mom down with them. The uses are endless. So again welcome :) We look forward to hearing more about you and your Mom.
Love, deb
ArtyTart17
03-12-2009, 07:49 AM
Welcome to our little corner of crazy Tanya. Now not to feel unwelcome but should I have read this "corner of crazy Tanya" or "corner of crazy, Tanya" I think that the first was probably right!
My biggest problem is that my mother needs me to "help" her, but she has been on a determined journey of telling my sisters that I am insane and trying to hurt her. My sisters [5 of them] had a meeting in my absence and decided that in the final years of our parents life that I would be their carer. I don't think that they have told our parents of this decision but a couple of them were good enough to pass the good news on to me.
I have had a very strained relationship with my mother since I was born - she wanted a boy and a different man to have impregnated her and she told me this every day of my early years in a state of manic or depressed violent aggression. I will never be good enough. My sisters are aware of this as she refers to her children as "Tanya and her 5 beautiful sisters!"
To give me the job of caring for my Mum especially is very cruel of them but they all have agreed she is too crazy for them to cope with and as they expressed to me - they have lives to live. My mothers depression and whatever other mental problems she has, is noted by her Doctors but as soon as one of them starts to talk to her about psychiatric care, she changes Doctor. Problem solved.
I will never get a POA but I will ultimately be responsible for the care of my parents as my sisters have made it very clear that the sooner they "go" and they get their promised inheritance the better.
I have been my mothers carer since I was about 8, but she needs me and hates me [herself] all at the same time. This was really complicated by my Dad opting to drink heavily to solve the problem and my Mum taking any medications she could get her hands on. Dad no longer drinks but is not aware of what was happening when he was drinking and my sisters [the beautiful ones] have Mum eating out of their hands. The abuse was mine alone.
I take action when Mum is in crisis and the others think that I over react - my problem! If your Mum is bedridden with a pain she can only feel and the Dr's can't find a source for and she calls me to visit to help her to the toilet including cleaning her afterwards, and I decide that I can't be there 24/7 and call an ambulance to get her to hospital the reaction is varied. My Dad says how did you do that? "she wouldn't let me" huh? She's bedridden! My sisters tell me that I only do it to be mean as they are never called to do what I am called to do and they have no idea. My father is genuinely happy that I have taken action, he has been brow beaten to the point that he feels that Mums problems are his fault - really long story.
Mum blames me for every problem in the family - you are welcome to laugh at this point but I was responsible for my sisters pregnancy and duly punished by being humiliated at the wedding reception. If this is not insanity what is it and now with the ALZ symptoms coming on thick and fast, I am desperately in need of the goodness of strangers. Thanks deb
with love
Tanya
My biggest problem is that my mother needs me to "help" her, but she has been on a determined journey of telling my sisters that I am insane and trying to hurt her. My sisters [5 of them] had a meeting in my absence and decided that in the final years of our parents life that I would be their carer. I don't think that they have told our parents of this decision but a couple of them were good enough to pass the good news on to me.
I have had a very strained relationship with my mother since I was born - she wanted a boy and a different man to have impregnated her and she told me this every day of my early years in a state of manic or depressed violent aggression. I will never be good enough. My sisters are aware of this as she refers to her children as "Tanya and her 5 beautiful sisters!"
To give me the job of caring for my Mum especially is very cruel of them but they all have agreed she is too crazy for them to cope with and as they expressed to me - they have lives to live. My mothers depression and whatever other mental problems she has, is noted by her Doctors but as soon as one of them starts to talk to her about psychiatric care, she changes Doctor. Problem solved.
I will never get a POA but I will ultimately be responsible for the care of my parents as my sisters have made it very clear that the sooner they "go" and they get their promised inheritance the better.
I have been my mothers carer since I was about 8, but she needs me and hates me [herself] all at the same time. This was really complicated by my Dad opting to drink heavily to solve the problem and my Mum taking any medications she could get her hands on. Dad no longer drinks but is not aware of what was happening when he was drinking and my sisters [the beautiful ones] have Mum eating out of their hands. The abuse was mine alone.
I take action when Mum is in crisis and the others think that I over react - my problem! If your Mum is bedridden with a pain she can only feel and the Dr's can't find a source for and she calls me to visit to help her to the toilet including cleaning her afterwards, and I decide that I can't be there 24/7 and call an ambulance to get her to hospital the reaction is varied. My Dad says how did you do that? "she wouldn't let me" huh? She's bedridden! My sisters tell me that I only do it to be mean as they are never called to do what I am called to do and they have no idea. My father is genuinely happy that I have taken action, he has been brow beaten to the point that he feels that Mums problems are his fault - really long story.
Mum blames me for every problem in the family - you are welcome to laugh at this point but I was responsible for my sisters pregnancy and duly punished by being humiliated at the wedding reception. If this is not insanity what is it and now with the ALZ symptoms coming on thick and fast, I am desperately in need of the goodness of strangers. Thanks deb
with love
Tanya
ArtyTart17
03-12-2009, 07:54 AM
I think that I need a really big stack of towels and can they be soft and mauve and smell of lavender? I am having a little tear, thanks!
meg1230
03-12-2009, 11:31 AM
Good Grief! Are you sure your name isn't Cinderella?
My advice to you...RUN like the wind..get away from these nut jobs.
Okay, that was my gut reaction advice.
Listen, you can't be a floor mat unless you lie down. Get up and tell them to stop ruling your life.
They want you to take care of the ugly stuff but not have control of POA etc. ?? That can only happen if you allow it.
Stop playing their games.
Stop being the victim.
You are stronger than that.
You'll find that you will get wonderful advice from the people here on dealing with loved ones but you will also find direct truths here too.
As my husband says often to people who are involved in something stupid.
"Stop It. Just Stop it!"
Here's a word I want you to practice. "NO" . Nothing else, just, "NO".
Your homework is to use it at least once today.
Love, Meg
My advice to you...RUN like the wind..get away from these nut jobs.
Okay, that was my gut reaction advice.
Listen, you can't be a floor mat unless you lie down. Get up and tell them to stop ruling your life.
They want you to take care of the ugly stuff but not have control of POA etc. ?? That can only happen if you allow it.
Stop playing their games.
Stop being the victim.
You are stronger than that.
You'll find that you will get wonderful advice from the people here on dealing with loved ones but you will also find direct truths here too.
As my husband says often to people who are involved in something stupid.
"Stop It. Just Stop it!"
Here's a word I want you to practice. "NO" . Nothing else, just, "NO".
Your homework is to use it at least once today.
Love, Meg
DGabriel10
03-12-2009, 11:51 AM
Tanya...... you are definitely not crazy Tanza and you can have a truck load of any color and smell of towels you want from me. All I can say is bless you and all that you have done for your Mom. Your situation is CRAZY!! My gut reaction is the same as Meg's...... RUN!!!!!!!!!
But I know, from experience, that you can't run away. What you can do is know in your heart that you are the better person and stand up for yourself. You are definitely living in a world of disfunction.
Who does have the POA? They are the one ultimately reponsible. It is only because of your good character that you are doing what you are doing. Your Mom was and is sick. It is unexcusable for her to treat her child (you) the way she has. You have to know that it is her sickness that caused this and has nothing to do with you. Sometimes you have lived with this situation and evidently come out of it the better sister for you are the one that carries the burden of your Mom. I have a lot more respect and admiration for you, and what you have done with what you were given, then the beautiful sisters and their selfish attitude....... and you don't hide like Dad does. You are a special person Tanya.
Where is Mom living right now? Is she at home with Dad or in a facility? As far as Mom taking charge of her own medical and mental health, she can't do it. If ALZ is present, psychotherapy is not a good option. She won't be able to process or remember what she needs to internalize to get better. What will work is appropriate medication to control the symptoms she is displaying. But you probably can't do anything about the thinking patters that are ingrained in her head. What you can do is know that you are NOT what she says you are.
As for the sister's decision, it is not biding on you. They can decide what they want and unless you abide by their decision, it is a non working decision. At some point they need to take on their share. What would happen if Tanya didn't do it? What would happen if Tanya was suddenly out of the picture? Perhaps you need to do what we did. Give everybody a week. Even if Mom calls you, you pass it off to whoever takes that week.
You do have decisions that you can make. You decide how much you do. You decide when you act and react and how. You definitely need to share the load. You need to call a sister meeting, of one if necessary (you), and decide that it is not your job to take care of Mom alone. If they can not cope with Mom, then why should you? If Mom is that impossible then adequate placement would be an option. You do have a life too, and you need to live it just like they do. Tanya is living in a world where everybody else is in denial. Back up a little and let reality hit them hard. Maybe come down with a good case of "I can't today". It's is a legitimate illness you know :) You teach people how to treat you and it's time for Tanya to stand up and let them know what a strong person their abuse has created. I do believe Cinderella got the prince and left the rest in her pumpkin carriage dust!!
Keep typing and know that we are all here with towels, caring, and support for you.
Love, deb
But I know, from experience, that you can't run away. What you can do is know in your heart that you are the better person and stand up for yourself. You are definitely living in a world of disfunction.
Who does have the POA? They are the one ultimately reponsible. It is only because of your good character that you are doing what you are doing. Your Mom was and is sick. It is unexcusable for her to treat her child (you) the way she has. You have to know that it is her sickness that caused this and has nothing to do with you. Sometimes you have lived with this situation and evidently come out of it the better sister for you are the one that carries the burden of your Mom. I have a lot more respect and admiration for you, and what you have done with what you were given, then the beautiful sisters and their selfish attitude....... and you don't hide like Dad does. You are a special person Tanya.
Where is Mom living right now? Is she at home with Dad or in a facility? As far as Mom taking charge of her own medical and mental health, she can't do it. If ALZ is present, psychotherapy is not a good option. She won't be able to process or remember what she needs to internalize to get better. What will work is appropriate medication to control the symptoms she is displaying. But you probably can't do anything about the thinking patters that are ingrained in her head. What you can do is know that you are NOT what she says you are.
As for the sister's decision, it is not biding on you. They can decide what they want and unless you abide by their decision, it is a non working decision. At some point they need to take on their share. What would happen if Tanya didn't do it? What would happen if Tanya was suddenly out of the picture? Perhaps you need to do what we did. Give everybody a week. Even if Mom calls you, you pass it off to whoever takes that week.
You do have decisions that you can make. You decide how much you do. You decide when you act and react and how. You definitely need to share the load. You need to call a sister meeting, of one if necessary (you), and decide that it is not your job to take care of Mom alone. If they can not cope with Mom, then why should you? If Mom is that impossible then adequate placement would be an option. You do have a life too, and you need to live it just like they do. Tanya is living in a world where everybody else is in denial. Back up a little and let reality hit them hard. Maybe come down with a good case of "I can't today". It's is a legitimate illness you know :) You teach people how to treat you and it's time for Tanya to stand up and let them know what a strong person their abuse has created. I do believe Cinderella got the prince and left the rest in her pumpkin carriage dust!!
Keep typing and know that we are all here with towels, caring, and support for you.
Love, deb
ArtyTart17
03-13-2009, 02:56 AM
Good Grief! Are you sure your name isn't Cinderella? Challenged Mum with this one at the age of 14
My advice to you...RUN like the wind..get away from these nut jobs.
Okay, that was my gut reaction advice. I have run as far as I possibly could - a crisis arises and I'm called in to help.
Listen, you can't be a floor mat unless you lie down. Get up and tell them to stop ruling your life. Been there, done that repeatedly.
They want you to take care of the ugly stuff but not have control of POA etc. ?? That can only happen if you allow it. i'm worried for the consequnces for my parents if I don't - Ive seen how my Mum treated her ALZ Mum and I would not wish it for a dog. My sisters were watching too.
Stop playing their games.I can't play their games - they keep changing the rules.
Stop being the victim. I'm no victim! I was a victim, now I am a problem solver where they are dangerously blind to the problem
You are stronger than that. I have had a neurological disorder since I was 14 because of the abuse according to my neurologist. I have had 3 disastrous marriages - no surprise there. Like phoenix I rise from the ashes stronger and stronger. I am a respected member of my community and liked by many different types of people. I doubt that would be the case if I was a pathetic victim.
You'll find that you will get wonderful advice from the people here on dealing with loved ones but you will also find direct truths here too.
As my husband says often to people who are involved in something stupid.
"Stop It. Just Stop it!" My favourite saying - if only they would listen!
Here's a word I want you to practice. "NO" . Nothing else, just, "NO".
Your homework is to use it at least once today. My homework for many years is to look in the mirror and say I love you and you deserve love. I'll add "just No to that!:)
Love, Meg
I remember screaming that at my mother at the age of 14. Her power over me was that I had no idea that she was so sick- mentally. My sisters benefited from her mental illness. All I knew that it was my fault for being born wrong from a very early age and you nave no idea the lengths that I went to make it right.
At 12 she said that they [my parents] could no longer afford to care for me and I was sent to work as a housekeeper initially for another family. After work, my mum would tell me to get my chores at home finished as I had too much time to spare if I could go and do her work for others. I was seriously screwed up.
I am thinking of writing a book about my life to purge a lot of the experiences I had that no child should go through. I have moved as far away as possible physically, lived in the USA for a while. I've changed my name and tried to disappear - at 18, my uncle, maternal, was convinced by my mother I was at risk and mentally unwell and through his work he found out my new name and my family traced me.
I have said "no" to be called every name under the sun with threats that I will never see my family again. I do love my sisters and at their every crisis from unplanned pregnancy, homelessness, to loss of a spouse I have been there for them. I have had a breakdown from post traumatic stress and I am still having counselling. I was in hospital for over a year with only one visitor - my father - after I hd been there for over 11 months.
I was my 2 youngest sisters primary carer and leaving them when they were toddlers was the hardest thing I have ever done. Of course my Mum found out that her aged mother could fill the void left by me and she left the babies with her most days. She told the babies I was not their sister.
Have you ever heard of a book called "a boy called it"? or "A wolf at the table?" These are male versions of my story. It is incomprehensible to most people that a child could be mistreated like this. Often the perpetrator succeeds at a suicide attempt or is discovered to be mentally ill and is given treatment. As this has not happened in my case and the family can ignore me until I am needed, this current problem/crisis is closer than is comfortable and I have no way I can see of avoiding it.
I'm hoping that you will all be honest with me. I would want nothing less but please until you've walked a few feet in my shoes, please don't assume that I have not tried every thing I can think of to remedy the problem. Sometimes I just need to vent - let me go and if necessary say "there, there" and I will lurch into the next crisis with at least being heard.
I am highly intelligent IQ wise and gifted in other areas - this adds jealousy to my sisters and always my mothers attitude to me. I have done a lot of study into the causes and outcomes for many mental illnesses to try and determine how I can best react but it is a lot like nailing jello to a tree.
Thanks, Meg for your reply
Tanya
My advice to you...RUN like the wind..get away from these nut jobs.
Okay, that was my gut reaction advice. I have run as far as I possibly could - a crisis arises and I'm called in to help.
Listen, you can't be a floor mat unless you lie down. Get up and tell them to stop ruling your life. Been there, done that repeatedly.
They want you to take care of the ugly stuff but not have control of POA etc. ?? That can only happen if you allow it. i'm worried for the consequnces for my parents if I don't - Ive seen how my Mum treated her ALZ Mum and I would not wish it for a dog. My sisters were watching too.
Stop playing their games.I can't play their games - they keep changing the rules.
Stop being the victim. I'm no victim! I was a victim, now I am a problem solver where they are dangerously blind to the problem
You are stronger than that. I have had a neurological disorder since I was 14 because of the abuse according to my neurologist. I have had 3 disastrous marriages - no surprise there. Like phoenix I rise from the ashes stronger and stronger. I am a respected member of my community and liked by many different types of people. I doubt that would be the case if I was a pathetic victim.
You'll find that you will get wonderful advice from the people here on dealing with loved ones but you will also find direct truths here too.
As my husband says often to people who are involved in something stupid.
"Stop It. Just Stop it!" My favourite saying - if only they would listen!
Here's a word I want you to practice. "NO" . Nothing else, just, "NO".
Your homework is to use it at least once today. My homework for many years is to look in the mirror and say I love you and you deserve love. I'll add "just No to that!:)
Love, Meg
I remember screaming that at my mother at the age of 14. Her power over me was that I had no idea that she was so sick- mentally. My sisters benefited from her mental illness. All I knew that it was my fault for being born wrong from a very early age and you nave no idea the lengths that I went to make it right.
At 12 she said that they [my parents] could no longer afford to care for me and I was sent to work as a housekeeper initially for another family. After work, my mum would tell me to get my chores at home finished as I had too much time to spare if I could go and do her work for others. I was seriously screwed up.
I am thinking of writing a book about my life to purge a lot of the experiences I had that no child should go through. I have moved as far away as possible physically, lived in the USA for a while. I've changed my name and tried to disappear - at 18, my uncle, maternal, was convinced by my mother I was at risk and mentally unwell and through his work he found out my new name and my family traced me.
I have said "no" to be called every name under the sun with threats that I will never see my family again. I do love my sisters and at their every crisis from unplanned pregnancy, homelessness, to loss of a spouse I have been there for them. I have had a breakdown from post traumatic stress and I am still having counselling. I was in hospital for over a year with only one visitor - my father - after I hd been there for over 11 months.
I was my 2 youngest sisters primary carer and leaving them when they were toddlers was the hardest thing I have ever done. Of course my Mum found out that her aged mother could fill the void left by me and she left the babies with her most days. She told the babies I was not their sister.
Have you ever heard of a book called "a boy called it"? or "A wolf at the table?" These are male versions of my story. It is incomprehensible to most people that a child could be mistreated like this. Often the perpetrator succeeds at a suicide attempt or is discovered to be mentally ill and is given treatment. As this has not happened in my case and the family can ignore me until I am needed, this current problem/crisis is closer than is comfortable and I have no way I can see of avoiding it.
I'm hoping that you will all be honest with me. I would want nothing less but please until you've walked a few feet in my shoes, please don't assume that I have not tried every thing I can think of to remedy the problem. Sometimes I just need to vent - let me go and if necessary say "there, there" and I will lurch into the next crisis with at least being heard.
I am highly intelligent IQ wise and gifted in other areas - this adds jealousy to my sisters and always my mothers attitude to me. I have done a lot of study into the causes and outcomes for many mental illnesses to try and determine how I can best react but it is a lot like nailing jello to a tree.
Thanks, Meg for your reply
Tanya
ArtyTart17
03-13-2009, 04:12 AM
Dear Debbie, please read my response to Meg. Calling a sister meeting would be brilliant but they would all come with their poison chalices if they came at all. Mum has told them and me that I am the cause of all her problems. I wasn't born male and I was very nasty because of it. As a small child I was dressed as a boy, I received only male gifts and the one thing my father lovingly made me - a cradle for my doll, my mother took an axe to and said my little sisters did it because they were jealous of me.
I might point out that I have always had a very close relationship with my Dad and his family. This was disrupted when he started drinking to excess. I was still his special and perfect daughter. He had absolutely no knowledge of what was happening in his absence. Sometimes I feel angry that he was absent and other times I can see that he could only cope this way. The last time I lived in close proximity to my parents he would visit me every morning for coffee and a chat. After the visit as he was leaving he would say "If your Mum calls looking for me, I wasn't here." Little did he know that the chance of my mother calling was zero but I kept his secret. He is a lost soul and can not stand up to Mum any more than I can as we are blamed continuously for all her problems. My sisters have a very low opinion of Dad for his drinking but the immense amount of drugs that my mother took is forgivable, so much pain from not having a son and from my father not being the man she loved. She has been on Methadone for over 18 years and has slowly picked up all her old drugs again. She told me she takes over 90 tablets a day, I doubt this but she does travel with a suitcase for her tablets and one for her clothes. I had a hip operation in Dec 2007 and Mum said she was coming to help me out as I couldn't do much housework wise. She stayed and slept in my bed for 8 straight days. On her arrival she saw and commented on the fact that the Dr's had prescribed me valium for muscle spasms in my hip following surgery. She told me not to take them as they are very easily addictive and as my pain was bearable I didn't while she was with me. When she left I picked up the previously full bottle to find only 3 tablets left. I took care of all the housework, she turned down any invitations to dinner for me and her together, as I was too sick and she slept and slept and slept. I mentioned this to Dad, he just smiled tiredly and said it is the same at home. I sometimes think he has given up trying. I'm a bit lost on what she wants from either of us.
Dad always sides with Mum when she attacks me but comes to me after and says he doesn't really believe I have done anything wrong.
As Dad gets older he gets more confused and his heavy drinking has taken a toll on his mental acuity. He needs to take initial POA for Mum and give it to me when he feels that he can't do it anymore. It is not a sister meeting that I have to call. It is a father daughter one. He really has to have it laid out to him plainly just how sick Mum is and how dangerous she has become to herself and possibly others.
Thanks for the suggestion, I've twisted it and I am sure that I have now thought of a partial solution. Phew. I need another towel - sweating here!
Crazed Tanya
P.s. say the t.v. is broken and put in your bedroom or anywhere Mum isn't. I often didn't have a t.v so that my children would read, study and learn to play co-operatively. It worked and they have no anger toward me. Does your Mum like to play card games, cribbage, knit, arrange flowers anything to keep the t.v.off - even if she does a really lousy job of a hobby. Is there a daycare program at a nursing home nearby that she could attend. Is there a photo album that she could arrange with her knowledge of elderly and nearly forgotten friends and relatives. Does she like gardening, writing letters, maybe a companion puppy to distract her from the t.v. What is she watching anyway? Does she understand it? That is my best shot at a suggestion or 2 for you.
I might point out that I have always had a very close relationship with my Dad and his family. This was disrupted when he started drinking to excess. I was still his special and perfect daughter. He had absolutely no knowledge of what was happening in his absence. Sometimes I feel angry that he was absent and other times I can see that he could only cope this way. The last time I lived in close proximity to my parents he would visit me every morning for coffee and a chat. After the visit as he was leaving he would say "If your Mum calls looking for me, I wasn't here." Little did he know that the chance of my mother calling was zero but I kept his secret. He is a lost soul and can not stand up to Mum any more than I can as we are blamed continuously for all her problems. My sisters have a very low opinion of Dad for his drinking but the immense amount of drugs that my mother took is forgivable, so much pain from not having a son and from my father not being the man she loved. She has been on Methadone for over 18 years and has slowly picked up all her old drugs again. She told me she takes over 90 tablets a day, I doubt this but she does travel with a suitcase for her tablets and one for her clothes. I had a hip operation in Dec 2007 and Mum said she was coming to help me out as I couldn't do much housework wise. She stayed and slept in my bed for 8 straight days. On her arrival she saw and commented on the fact that the Dr's had prescribed me valium for muscle spasms in my hip following surgery. She told me not to take them as they are very easily addictive and as my pain was bearable I didn't while she was with me. When she left I picked up the previously full bottle to find only 3 tablets left. I took care of all the housework, she turned down any invitations to dinner for me and her together, as I was too sick and she slept and slept and slept. I mentioned this to Dad, he just smiled tiredly and said it is the same at home. I sometimes think he has given up trying. I'm a bit lost on what she wants from either of us.
Dad always sides with Mum when she attacks me but comes to me after and says he doesn't really believe I have done anything wrong.
As Dad gets older he gets more confused and his heavy drinking has taken a toll on his mental acuity. He needs to take initial POA for Mum and give it to me when he feels that he can't do it anymore. It is not a sister meeting that I have to call. It is a father daughter one. He really has to have it laid out to him plainly just how sick Mum is and how dangerous she has become to herself and possibly others.
Thanks for the suggestion, I've twisted it and I am sure that I have now thought of a partial solution. Phew. I need another towel - sweating here!
Crazed Tanya
P.s. say the t.v. is broken and put in your bedroom or anywhere Mum isn't. I often didn't have a t.v so that my children would read, study and learn to play co-operatively. It worked and they have no anger toward me. Does your Mum like to play card games, cribbage, knit, arrange flowers anything to keep the t.v.off - even if she does a really lousy job of a hobby. Is there a daycare program at a nursing home nearby that she could attend. Is there a photo album that she could arrange with her knowledge of elderly and nearly forgotten friends and relatives. Does she like gardening, writing letters, maybe a companion puppy to distract her from the t.v. What is she watching anyway? Does she understand it? That is my best shot at a suggestion or 2 for you.
DGabriel10
03-13-2009, 12:19 PM
"Stop it Stop it Stop it"... "If THEY would only listen".......
There is the problem. THEY are NOT going to listen. You can't change any of them. You can only change yourself. Been there done that. I tried for years to "change" my sister. The only thing it did was frustrate me. The only thing I can control is MY reaction to what she choses to do. I stopped internalizing the negative venom she spewed in my direction. I did stand up for myself and what I believed was right even though I knew she would blow a cork. At this point she is not speaking to me but that's ok. It's her choice. I'm sorry she is missing the support and love I could be giving her. But if she is not going to accept me for the person that I am... I don't need her negativeism in my life. Yep, it's a hard road to travel and I do miss her but I also realize that my life is better because of it. Nobody can make you a victim. That is something you do to yourself. The past is just that, the past. It is what you do from today forward that creates the rest of your life.
Cinderella didn't go back and take care of her Mom and Sisters. She rode off into the sunset in her pumpkin carriage to find the life she deserved. Your Mom is an abusive drug addict, your dad is a spineless alchoholic, and your sisters are mean hurtful selfish self centers creatures that just want you to do the dirty work for them. Did I about sum it up? So why are you breaking your neck to do what THEY want you to do? Yes, they would be pitiful without you. But as long as you carry the burden for the family why should they do it. If you run to the rescue every time there is a crisis, they will continue to call. As long as you allow them to be abusive they will continue to do it. If you run and they hollar and you come back, what's the use of running?
What benefit are you getting from this situation that keeps you there? Is it worth the hurt that they hand to you? Yes, they are your family but they are disfuntional and you can't seem to let go of the disfunction. In a perfect world Mom would realize what you do and be thankful, dad would stand up and take responsibility, and the sisters would appreciate your sacrifice. But this is not a perfect world and they have shown you by past behavior that they are NOT going to do this. So why are you still beating your head against the walls they throw in your face?
I'm not being cruel, just honest. THEY are not going to change. THEY are not going to listen. THEY are benefiting by what is going on. THEY are being cruel and you are doing the work. It will change when YOU decide to do something different. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is dreaming. Yep, I have been there, done that, and believe me it was only after I changed my thoughts and actions that anything changed. I might not have a relationship with my sister or have as much information about Mom.... but I also don't have those abusive phone calls or the constant antagonism I had before. It's a trade off that I have found peace in. I still do what I can, when I can. I still love my sister, but I will no longer take what she has to give. She has not changed at all and probably will not.... but I have :) What would happen if you didn't answer the calls?
I do understand the hurt that family can throw at you, even in better situations than yours. But it is up to you to take yourself out of their reach. Then you can find the healing you deserve.
Love, deb
There is the problem. THEY are NOT going to listen. You can't change any of them. You can only change yourself. Been there done that. I tried for years to "change" my sister. The only thing it did was frustrate me. The only thing I can control is MY reaction to what she choses to do. I stopped internalizing the negative venom she spewed in my direction. I did stand up for myself and what I believed was right even though I knew she would blow a cork. At this point she is not speaking to me but that's ok. It's her choice. I'm sorry she is missing the support and love I could be giving her. But if she is not going to accept me for the person that I am... I don't need her negativeism in my life. Yep, it's a hard road to travel and I do miss her but I also realize that my life is better because of it. Nobody can make you a victim. That is something you do to yourself. The past is just that, the past. It is what you do from today forward that creates the rest of your life.
Cinderella didn't go back and take care of her Mom and Sisters. She rode off into the sunset in her pumpkin carriage to find the life she deserved. Your Mom is an abusive drug addict, your dad is a spineless alchoholic, and your sisters are mean hurtful selfish self centers creatures that just want you to do the dirty work for them. Did I about sum it up? So why are you breaking your neck to do what THEY want you to do? Yes, they would be pitiful without you. But as long as you carry the burden for the family why should they do it. If you run to the rescue every time there is a crisis, they will continue to call. As long as you allow them to be abusive they will continue to do it. If you run and they hollar and you come back, what's the use of running?
What benefit are you getting from this situation that keeps you there? Is it worth the hurt that they hand to you? Yes, they are your family but they are disfuntional and you can't seem to let go of the disfunction. In a perfect world Mom would realize what you do and be thankful, dad would stand up and take responsibility, and the sisters would appreciate your sacrifice. But this is not a perfect world and they have shown you by past behavior that they are NOT going to do this. So why are you still beating your head against the walls they throw in your face?
I'm not being cruel, just honest. THEY are not going to change. THEY are not going to listen. THEY are benefiting by what is going on. THEY are being cruel and you are doing the work. It will change when YOU decide to do something different. Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is dreaming. Yep, I have been there, done that, and believe me it was only after I changed my thoughts and actions that anything changed. I might not have a relationship with my sister or have as much information about Mom.... but I also don't have those abusive phone calls or the constant antagonism I had before. It's a trade off that I have found peace in. I still do what I can, when I can. I still love my sister, but I will no longer take what she has to give. She has not changed at all and probably will not.... but I have :) What would happen if you didn't answer the calls?
I do understand the hurt that family can throw at you, even in better situations than yours. But it is up to you to take yourself out of their reach. Then you can find the healing you deserve.
Love, deb
caringsister54
03-13-2009, 12:43 PM
Arty
you say that you ran away and changed your name once and that your mother got your uncle to find you and 'apparently' from what we read here, he brought you back? how, were you a minor?
if you are an adult, you have a right to change your phone number and not give it out to anyone that you can't trust. You have a right to move and not tell anyone where you are except your kids.
You have a right to a life. No one can deny you that. You have a right to a good life, no one can take that away from you.
So, go ahead and change your phone number, move if you want and enjoy whatever life God and you can create for yourself and those that you gave life too.
I concur with Deb. Sorry that we tell the truth no matter how it hurts. Sorry that we convey messages and people may not want to hear but I've been an abused (physical) child and my dad worked nights and weekends and had no idea how bad it was and when i tried to convey it to him I got his denial that it wasn't as bad as I perceived it OR that if I just stopped doing whatever it was that pushed my mother's buttons, it wouldn't happen.
I even told a trusted teacher what it was about and she tried to talk to my mother only to have my mother come home and beat the daylights out of me for telling the teacher a lie!
The hitting (aka punching, etc) only stopped when she blew her cork in front of my father only because I stuck up for him when she verbally said something to him.
I know I had two parents who loved me and only now can I understand how my mother equated me with severe pain to herself and I probably wasn't a pleasant birth to her due to something that occurred a few years earlier. My existence was equated to not so good times for her and I guess that's why there was much anger directed at me.
So it was a friend's mother who empowered me to separate myself from the me that my mother saw. She gave me the freedom to be me, loved me unconditionally and gave me the support (emotionally) I needed to help my sister and I stand up to our mother when we were both graduated from high school, adults and still having to be brought into the minor problems between her and my Dad.
You say you are not a victim but you are! so deal with it differently -- Deb is right in everything she said. She knows well as do I. you say don't judge you until we walked in your shoes. While we may not have had dysfunctional parents per se; both Deb and I had loving parents for the most part and my bad days were tempered by some wonderful days with my Mom -- we have walked in your shoes by being the go-to person of the family who gets kicked in the butt after no matter what we do.
Take Care
come back often
CaringSister54
you say that you ran away and changed your name once and that your mother got your uncle to find you and 'apparently' from what we read here, he brought you back? how, were you a minor?
if you are an adult, you have a right to change your phone number and not give it out to anyone that you can't trust. You have a right to move and not tell anyone where you are except your kids.
You have a right to a life. No one can deny you that. You have a right to a good life, no one can take that away from you.
So, go ahead and change your phone number, move if you want and enjoy whatever life God and you can create for yourself and those that you gave life too.
I concur with Deb. Sorry that we tell the truth no matter how it hurts. Sorry that we convey messages and people may not want to hear but I've been an abused (physical) child and my dad worked nights and weekends and had no idea how bad it was and when i tried to convey it to him I got his denial that it wasn't as bad as I perceived it OR that if I just stopped doing whatever it was that pushed my mother's buttons, it wouldn't happen.
I even told a trusted teacher what it was about and she tried to talk to my mother only to have my mother come home and beat the daylights out of me for telling the teacher a lie!
The hitting (aka punching, etc) only stopped when she blew her cork in front of my father only because I stuck up for him when she verbally said something to him.
I know I had two parents who loved me and only now can I understand how my mother equated me with severe pain to herself and I probably wasn't a pleasant birth to her due to something that occurred a few years earlier. My existence was equated to not so good times for her and I guess that's why there was much anger directed at me.
So it was a friend's mother who empowered me to separate myself from the me that my mother saw. She gave me the freedom to be me, loved me unconditionally and gave me the support (emotionally) I needed to help my sister and I stand up to our mother when we were both graduated from high school, adults and still having to be brought into the minor problems between her and my Dad.
You say you are not a victim but you are! so deal with it differently -- Deb is right in everything she said. She knows well as do I. you say don't judge you until we walked in your shoes. While we may not have had dysfunctional parents per se; both Deb and I had loving parents for the most part and my bad days were tempered by some wonderful days with my Mom -- we have walked in your shoes by being the go-to person of the family who gets kicked in the butt after no matter what we do.
Take Care
come back often
CaringSister54
mitsy
03-13-2009, 02:03 PM
Arty,
Sad to say but it sounds like you need to feel hurt or taken advantage of. If you are doing better and are stronger, then you would have the strength to just walk away from all this. You said you are still in counseling, which means that your really don't have the strenth and shouldn't be attempting to get involved in all this.
It took me years to understand why I put up with my abusive father. I just wanted to make him love me. I woke up one day and understood that it wasn't going to happen and I needed to stay away from a situation that was unhealthy for me.
If you step back the world won't fall apart, someone will step in. Maybe you need to discuss this with your therapist so that they too can direct you otherwise. Dealing with ALZ and disfunctional families is difficult for the average person as it is.
Please take care. This is said with your best interest in mind.
Sad to say but it sounds like you need to feel hurt or taken advantage of. If you are doing better and are stronger, then you would have the strength to just walk away from all this. You said you are still in counseling, which means that your really don't have the strenth and shouldn't be attempting to get involved in all this.
It took me years to understand why I put up with my abusive father. I just wanted to make him love me. I woke up one day and understood that it wasn't going to happen and I needed to stay away from a situation that was unhealthy for me.
If you step back the world won't fall apart, someone will step in. Maybe you need to discuss this with your therapist so that they too can direct you otherwise. Dealing with ALZ and disfunctional families is difficult for the average person as it is.
Please take care. This is said with your best interest in mind.
ArtyTart17
03-15-2009, 02:08 AM
Hi all and thanks for your forthrightness and honesty. The last 2 days have been tough and I am probably being a sook. I went to the Dr' and he has put me on super strong antibiotics for the sinus I have been putting up with this summer. My legs are not too good, I think 10 days of over 40 degrees celcius about [110 farenheit] has nearly done me in. So he has given me some valium for the cramps and endone for the pain. I think that I mentioned before that I have MS, since 1973.
There were no loving days for me, even though my Dad and I were close that often got me into more trouble with Mum than it was worth. Hence the secretiveness of his visiting me - I think that he copped it too.
I agree my Dad was spineless in hindsight but I doubt he knew who he was marrying. Mum was on speed when she was courted and after marriage could not get her drugs and there was a completely different person in his life. An angry, hateful, suicidal crow, demanding the life she lived as a privileged child on the land to a tradesman of very humble background. He worked 16 hours a day to keep her in the style she thought she deserved and she spat on him continually. 8 years of dealing with this, not being spineless, to be overwhelmed with daily accusations of drinking when he was sober- it made having one beer with his mates on the way home from work easier, maybe justifiable in his mind. Things of course did not get better, he just had more blame pushed on him. Dad's really heavy drinking started about the time I turned 18, he stopped completely when I was 23. He'd lost his job, started crayfishing which meant that he lived away from home for weeks but he earned a huge amount of money. Mum happily spent it in his absence. He's not all bad but when he stood up to Mum when they were first married, she would attempt suicide and blame him and their situation and he would work harder to make it right. It never would be right and I was the jam in the sandwich, where she couldn't punish him she could abuse me on his behalf. He was raised catholic and marriage was and is for better or worse. He just got worse awful quickly.
I had 2 wonderful grandmothers and a loving grandfather until I was eight. Maybe his Dad's death pushed my Dad a little further on the path he eventually took. My mother always hated his father and even after his death she could not bring herself to say one good thing about him. Both my grandmothers have passed in the last few years. I was sent to them often when Mum was hospitalised and that was frequently. Both in their last days asked how I was, thinking that I was their child and not my parents. That was very touching but it does not help me as I never told them about the abuse at home. Knowing they loved me as their own moves me even now but as grandmothers they never declared their love for me except in birthday and christmas cards. They taught me a great deal about sacrifice for the family - maybe they are responsible for me trying to keep things together even though they now are irreparably broken.
I have moved leaving no address and had a silent tel. number a number of times. Telling one trusted person the details. My mother has always coerced her way into getting the details under the pretext of an emergency. I know that they broke the law giving my details but what do I do. Charge my sister[s] with disclosing information that was meant to be secret. She [they] were conned, and have since apologised but she [they] would do it again I'm sure if I took the same action again.
I have a large family of cousins, sisters, aunts and uncles, they none of them know of my mothers problems and of course they know of mine and my fathers. Mum makes sure of that. I have tried to talk to them individually but they tell me I have to let the past go. The past is yesterday and it will be tomorrow.
With such a large family, who I am alienated from and a few good friends who are sick of listening to me try and sort out the lastest edition of abuse. I am really very alone.
I am being counseled for P.T.S.D. No-one would ask a vietnam vet. listen to helicopters and bombs on a regular basis. I have to listen to my mother telling my sisters that they can have anything they want from their now "Daddy, whose got money" and staring straight at me and saying "that is our 5 beautiful daughters." I say their are six of us Mum. She replies I said 5 beautiful daughters. Either my sisters can't count or it is to their advantage to get a larger percentage of Daddy's money if it isn't split 6 ways. Or maybe they just don't care if I'm not counted as a sister. THey join in the chorus of abuse or claim to have heard nothing.
I'm moaning again - sorry. This is a trauma that doesn't stop. Sure I'm not 7, 8,9,10, or 17 anymore. Mum can tuck little threats into a nice chat - I only know what that threat meant years ago. If I tear up a little, she says, "oh I didn't mean to upset you" and then to my sisters "Tanya has always been over sensitive and I have no idea what I have done to upset her." She knows!, and she will never miss a chance. I have missed family gatherings to avoid the sting of her venom. There is little else I can think of more painful than sitting at home alone at Christmas knowing the family is gathered for a celebration. My children and I keep in touch often but when it comes to celebrations they now have their partners family to consider and I've tried booking a Christmas but I have to look at least 3 years ahead as the others have dates at least that far in advance. I am not sure I will be here in 3 years. The same applies to Easters and birthdays. Being a sad sack isn't helping.
I'm leaking, not feeling at all well and writing drivvle. Thanks for reading this far if you did.
best regards to all,
Tanya
There were no loving days for me, even though my Dad and I were close that often got me into more trouble with Mum than it was worth. Hence the secretiveness of his visiting me - I think that he copped it too.
I agree my Dad was spineless in hindsight but I doubt he knew who he was marrying. Mum was on speed when she was courted and after marriage could not get her drugs and there was a completely different person in his life. An angry, hateful, suicidal crow, demanding the life she lived as a privileged child on the land to a tradesman of very humble background. He worked 16 hours a day to keep her in the style she thought she deserved and she spat on him continually. 8 years of dealing with this, not being spineless, to be overwhelmed with daily accusations of drinking when he was sober- it made having one beer with his mates on the way home from work easier, maybe justifiable in his mind. Things of course did not get better, he just had more blame pushed on him. Dad's really heavy drinking started about the time I turned 18, he stopped completely when I was 23. He'd lost his job, started crayfishing which meant that he lived away from home for weeks but he earned a huge amount of money. Mum happily spent it in his absence. He's not all bad but when he stood up to Mum when they were first married, she would attempt suicide and blame him and their situation and he would work harder to make it right. It never would be right and I was the jam in the sandwich, where she couldn't punish him she could abuse me on his behalf. He was raised catholic and marriage was and is for better or worse. He just got worse awful quickly.
I had 2 wonderful grandmothers and a loving grandfather until I was eight. Maybe his Dad's death pushed my Dad a little further on the path he eventually took. My mother always hated his father and even after his death she could not bring herself to say one good thing about him. Both my grandmothers have passed in the last few years. I was sent to them often when Mum was hospitalised and that was frequently. Both in their last days asked how I was, thinking that I was their child and not my parents. That was very touching but it does not help me as I never told them about the abuse at home. Knowing they loved me as their own moves me even now but as grandmothers they never declared their love for me except in birthday and christmas cards. They taught me a great deal about sacrifice for the family - maybe they are responsible for me trying to keep things together even though they now are irreparably broken.
I have moved leaving no address and had a silent tel. number a number of times. Telling one trusted person the details. My mother has always coerced her way into getting the details under the pretext of an emergency. I know that they broke the law giving my details but what do I do. Charge my sister[s] with disclosing information that was meant to be secret. She [they] were conned, and have since apologised but she [they] would do it again I'm sure if I took the same action again.
I have a large family of cousins, sisters, aunts and uncles, they none of them know of my mothers problems and of course they know of mine and my fathers. Mum makes sure of that. I have tried to talk to them individually but they tell me I have to let the past go. The past is yesterday and it will be tomorrow.
With such a large family, who I am alienated from and a few good friends who are sick of listening to me try and sort out the lastest edition of abuse. I am really very alone.
I am being counseled for P.T.S.D. No-one would ask a vietnam vet. listen to helicopters and bombs on a regular basis. I have to listen to my mother telling my sisters that they can have anything they want from their now "Daddy, whose got money" and staring straight at me and saying "that is our 5 beautiful daughters." I say their are six of us Mum. She replies I said 5 beautiful daughters. Either my sisters can't count or it is to their advantage to get a larger percentage of Daddy's money if it isn't split 6 ways. Or maybe they just don't care if I'm not counted as a sister. THey join in the chorus of abuse or claim to have heard nothing.
I'm moaning again - sorry. This is a trauma that doesn't stop. Sure I'm not 7, 8,9,10, or 17 anymore. Mum can tuck little threats into a nice chat - I only know what that threat meant years ago. If I tear up a little, she says, "oh I didn't mean to upset you" and then to my sisters "Tanya has always been over sensitive and I have no idea what I have done to upset her." She knows!, and she will never miss a chance. I have missed family gatherings to avoid the sting of her venom. There is little else I can think of more painful than sitting at home alone at Christmas knowing the family is gathered for a celebration. My children and I keep in touch often but when it comes to celebrations they now have their partners family to consider and I've tried booking a Christmas but I have to look at least 3 years ahead as the others have dates at least that far in advance. I am not sure I will be here in 3 years. The same applies to Easters and birthdays. Being a sad sack isn't helping.
I'm leaking, not feeling at all well and writing drivvle. Thanks for reading this far if you did.
best regards to all,
Tanya
DGabriel10
03-15-2009, 03:02 AM
Again, you are the only one that can change your situation.... THEY are not going to change. If wishing could make someone else different then there are a number of people in my life that would be very different. But it doesn't work that way. They will tear you apart, if you let them.
I can tell by your writing that you truly want them to accept you and love you but it has been a lifetime and they have proven to you that they are not capable of doing what you want. Will you spend the rest of your life yearning for what you know you can not have? That is self distructive. You need to accept your Mom and Sister for who they are. That is when you will find the peace that you search for. You can't change them... only yourself.
Why does the rest of the family not know about your Mom's behavior? She freely gives them the dirt on you. Yet none of them know about you or your dad? Why? She has been hospitalized many times and they do not understand that she is sick? You are absent from family gatherings and they don't have a clue? They have to be aware on some level. I would guess, for family harmony with mom, they just don't mention it. Have you ever tried to talk to another extended family member about this? As for your children. Set a day now for next christmas and invite them.
I learned a long time ago not to expect others to fulfill my needs. I have to fulfill my own needs. If they want to join in my life in a positive way, well and good. If not I find other ways to fulfill myself. We need people in our lives that give us positive energy, that love us, and care for us. You need your friends to uplift you not listen to your sorry because your family is disfunctional. Enjoy their company rather than bemoan what is not there.
Life is what you make it. It is not what happens to you but what you do with it that matters. You have the ultimate power to make yourself happy. I know because I was miserable at one time. Nothing has changed except my attitude about life. now I have a smile on my face that nobody can take away from me :)
Love, deb
I can tell by your writing that you truly want them to accept you and love you but it has been a lifetime and they have proven to you that they are not capable of doing what you want. Will you spend the rest of your life yearning for what you know you can not have? That is self distructive. You need to accept your Mom and Sister for who they are. That is when you will find the peace that you search for. You can't change them... only yourself.
Why does the rest of the family not know about your Mom's behavior? She freely gives them the dirt on you. Yet none of them know about you or your dad? Why? She has been hospitalized many times and they do not understand that she is sick? You are absent from family gatherings and they don't have a clue? They have to be aware on some level. I would guess, for family harmony with mom, they just don't mention it. Have you ever tried to talk to another extended family member about this? As for your children. Set a day now for next christmas and invite them.
I learned a long time ago not to expect others to fulfill my needs. I have to fulfill my own needs. If they want to join in my life in a positive way, well and good. If not I find other ways to fulfill myself. We need people in our lives that give us positive energy, that love us, and care for us. You need your friends to uplift you not listen to your sorry because your family is disfunctional. Enjoy their company rather than bemoan what is not there.
Life is what you make it. It is not what happens to you but what you do with it that matters. You have the ultimate power to make yourself happy. I know because I was miserable at one time. Nothing has changed except my attitude about life. now I have a smile on my face that nobody can take away from me :)
Love, deb
Martha H
03-15-2009, 07:26 AM
You were an abused and rejected child, no matter what the reason. I hope you are getting therapy for this. Meanwhile, let your health and your recovery be your top priority, and let the rest of your "family" deal with the rest. The cruel words your mother said to you are absolutely a form of child abuse. Nobody would expect you to keep on experiencing the same trauma. I agree that you must take over your own life and distance yourself as much as possible from the others. It's not your job to fix anything outside of yourself.
Love and prayers,
Martha
Love and prayers,
Martha
caringsister54
03-15-2009, 10:26 AM
Okay Arty
LISTEN UP! This is what Deb, Martha and I as well as the rest of our internet family telling you some good advice.
You have to look outside yourself. first off, get a new therapist. The one you have may be so tired of hearing the same things, they just sit and listen to you for an hour, take your money, and send you on your way not really doing anything to help change your mind.
You have to look outside yourself for organizations or social group settings. Find others who are as alone as you. Take the next holiday and share a pot luck dinner with them.
What I am suggesting is "Make your own family!" My aunt worked in a diner and inevitably she'd invite someone who didn't have a place to go for the holidays. We met some wonderful individuals who we now call 'aunt' or 'uncle' and they're there every holiday.
My aunt also called the shipping port during the holidays to see if there's any homesick sailors who wanted a home-cooked meal. she told them to put them in a cab and send them over and we enjoyed having 3 sailors from Poland for dinner. It was marvelous. I carried that over when I was doing tours of our manufacturing facility and had a guest from Switzerland. I invited her to a dinner in my home and my kids got to ask her questions about her country, her lifestyle, etc. My son was cute because at the age (9 or 10) he asked her "so what does your country do about aliens?" and she thought he meant 'space aliens' I had to interrupt in laughter and say "those that cross into your borders, from other places" and she explained that their borders were open and people come and go all the time.
She also explained about shopping for meat in Germany and pasta in Italy and how most of them were only a short drive from her house. My kids were fascinated. Other people at work thought I was nuts for doing this, but we enjoyed it a lot.
So look outside yourself. Forget the family you were born into and find a family that you create.
Enjoy life God wants you to have.
CaringSister54
LISTEN UP! This is what Deb, Martha and I as well as the rest of our internet family telling you some good advice.
You have to look outside yourself. first off, get a new therapist. The one you have may be so tired of hearing the same things, they just sit and listen to you for an hour, take your money, and send you on your way not really doing anything to help change your mind.
You have to look outside yourself for organizations or social group settings. Find others who are as alone as you. Take the next holiday and share a pot luck dinner with them.
What I am suggesting is "Make your own family!" My aunt worked in a diner and inevitably she'd invite someone who didn't have a place to go for the holidays. We met some wonderful individuals who we now call 'aunt' or 'uncle' and they're there every holiday.
My aunt also called the shipping port during the holidays to see if there's any homesick sailors who wanted a home-cooked meal. she told them to put them in a cab and send them over and we enjoyed having 3 sailors from Poland for dinner. It was marvelous. I carried that over when I was doing tours of our manufacturing facility and had a guest from Switzerland. I invited her to a dinner in my home and my kids got to ask her questions about her country, her lifestyle, etc. My son was cute because at the age (9 or 10) he asked her "so what does your country do about aliens?" and she thought he meant 'space aliens' I had to interrupt in laughter and say "those that cross into your borders, from other places" and she explained that their borders were open and people come and go all the time.
She also explained about shopping for meat in Germany and pasta in Italy and how most of them were only a short drive from her house. My kids were fascinated. Other people at work thought I was nuts for doing this, but we enjoyed it a lot.
So look outside yourself. Forget the family you were born into and find a family that you create.
Enjoy life God wants you to have.
CaringSister54