carsam
03-03-2009, 08:38 PM
So ladies...
I wanted to start a new thread that goes back to grandma here......today was the first I got to hear of what's been going on overseas the last week.....
So remember I told you all that one of the aunts had started showing up again.....here and there, and then took off to see her son soon after. Well, she is back now, and came round to see grandma today. While she was away.....she had called Uncle to see how grandma was. Uncle gets very tired of them "calling" to see how she is, when they live 5 minutes away. Anyways, at the time grandma as yelling and crying, and so Uncle just put the phone beside her and told Aunt, "here, this is how she is"......I guess that is how he deals with her. Anyways, she came back today. Word got around that grandma has not been eating, and that my mother was over for an emergency visit again.....so now the other sisters all seem to be talking among themselves, the phones are red hot, and uh oh, they must all be thinking grandma is on her deathbed. Well, hello, grandma is 95 and been ill for a long time now, any day could have been her last....but for some reason now they are all up in arms. The aunt that came over today, tells Uncle that one of her sisters wants to see grandma!!! She has not seen the woman in almost 2 years, and lives around the corner. The last thing we heard was that she would visit grandma at the cemetary and wouldnt even come to her funeral. This comes from the Sister that was there today. Why? I dont get this? Why does she want to see her, when she has abandoned her for two years? Uncle of course was furious. Where was this woman when my grandma at 2 in the morning was standing in her little nightgown calling for this daughter in particular and pleading with God to tell her why her daughter had abandoned her and hated her? Does she have the right now to see her? Personally I dont think so, this illness is horrible, but those sisters have made it even worse, there's not much that can be done to help physically, but they could have comforted her, and my human side tells me to tell her where to go. Uncle is upset as he is saying they will now just accuse him of not letting them see their dying mother.
I found myself saying to my mom things that I have learned from you all here. I told her that Uncle needs to let go of what Sisters are saying....and what their needs are now. If they spew off accusations, it is their own guilt that is behind it. He cannot take on their guilt now. They have had their chance to be with grandma, and they chose to abandon her. Just because they will have regrets, that's not his burden to carry.
I also asked her if she thought that grandma would even recognize them should they come to see her, and she said she doubted it as most of the time when she was there, she didnt recognize my mom. And then I suggested that maybe, just maybe, grandma is holding on because of this unresolved tension with her daughters. Maybe somewhere in her little mind, she's holding on, thinking they will come back, and she doesnt want to leave without making peace. Who knows right? Then I talked to her about how people here have mentioned that sometimes you need to tell your loved one it's "ok" to go.....for their sake, so they can release themselves from this suffering. I'm not sure what sank in.....between her and Uncle, I think there is not much I can say that can penetrate through their wall of resentment right now. Mom is busy saying that one day when grandma is gone, she'll pay them back for what they did to her. I dont know what that will achieve, it will achieve nothing, it wont change what's happened, it wont change how they feel......it will just postpone the closure we will desperately need to move forward. It is sad to see how much bitterness they have in their hearts....I dont blame them for feeling that way......but it just seems to me that by being so angry all the time, they're giving the Sisters more power. As you all say, you can only control what "you" do, and not others, you can only be responsible for your own actions.
So, if your siblings were this callous, and far removed.......would you give them another chance? After you witnessed your mother suffering, would you let them ease their guilt? I cannot possibly believe they have any love for this woman. The last time this particular Sister saw grandma, she took her out for a drive in the car, and brought her back completely soiled, because she wouldnt take her to the washroom......they have wanted nothing to do with her, and grandma has been heartbroken because of it.
Family drama.....just adds fuel to the fire doesnt it? I would consider the idea that there are other sides to the story, but I've watched over the years, as other family members have gotten ill......they've run a mile. They're just "fairweather" family and that's all there is to it.
In the meantime, Uncle now has the flu, and is petrified he's going to give it to Grandma. But what to do when you're the sole caregiver?
I join with everyone else here for a peaceful ending to this journey.....
Love, Caroline xo
I wanted to start a new thread that goes back to grandma here......today was the first I got to hear of what's been going on overseas the last week.....
So remember I told you all that one of the aunts had started showing up again.....here and there, and then took off to see her son soon after. Well, she is back now, and came round to see grandma today. While she was away.....she had called Uncle to see how grandma was. Uncle gets very tired of them "calling" to see how she is, when they live 5 minutes away. Anyways, at the time grandma as yelling and crying, and so Uncle just put the phone beside her and told Aunt, "here, this is how she is"......I guess that is how he deals with her. Anyways, she came back today. Word got around that grandma has not been eating, and that my mother was over for an emergency visit again.....so now the other sisters all seem to be talking among themselves, the phones are red hot, and uh oh, they must all be thinking grandma is on her deathbed. Well, hello, grandma is 95 and been ill for a long time now, any day could have been her last....but for some reason now they are all up in arms. The aunt that came over today, tells Uncle that one of her sisters wants to see grandma!!! She has not seen the woman in almost 2 years, and lives around the corner. The last thing we heard was that she would visit grandma at the cemetary and wouldnt even come to her funeral. This comes from the Sister that was there today. Why? I dont get this? Why does she want to see her, when she has abandoned her for two years? Uncle of course was furious. Where was this woman when my grandma at 2 in the morning was standing in her little nightgown calling for this daughter in particular and pleading with God to tell her why her daughter had abandoned her and hated her? Does she have the right now to see her? Personally I dont think so, this illness is horrible, but those sisters have made it even worse, there's not much that can be done to help physically, but they could have comforted her, and my human side tells me to tell her where to go. Uncle is upset as he is saying they will now just accuse him of not letting them see their dying mother.
I found myself saying to my mom things that I have learned from you all here. I told her that Uncle needs to let go of what Sisters are saying....and what their needs are now. If they spew off accusations, it is their own guilt that is behind it. He cannot take on their guilt now. They have had their chance to be with grandma, and they chose to abandon her. Just because they will have regrets, that's not his burden to carry.
I also asked her if she thought that grandma would even recognize them should they come to see her, and she said she doubted it as most of the time when she was there, she didnt recognize my mom. And then I suggested that maybe, just maybe, grandma is holding on because of this unresolved tension with her daughters. Maybe somewhere in her little mind, she's holding on, thinking they will come back, and she doesnt want to leave without making peace. Who knows right? Then I talked to her about how people here have mentioned that sometimes you need to tell your loved one it's "ok" to go.....for their sake, so they can release themselves from this suffering. I'm not sure what sank in.....between her and Uncle, I think there is not much I can say that can penetrate through their wall of resentment right now. Mom is busy saying that one day when grandma is gone, she'll pay them back for what they did to her. I dont know what that will achieve, it will achieve nothing, it wont change what's happened, it wont change how they feel......it will just postpone the closure we will desperately need to move forward. It is sad to see how much bitterness they have in their hearts....I dont blame them for feeling that way......but it just seems to me that by being so angry all the time, they're giving the Sisters more power. As you all say, you can only control what "you" do, and not others, you can only be responsible for your own actions.
So, if your siblings were this callous, and far removed.......would you give them another chance? After you witnessed your mother suffering, would you let them ease their guilt? I cannot possibly believe they have any love for this woman. The last time this particular Sister saw grandma, she took her out for a drive in the car, and brought her back completely soiled, because she wouldnt take her to the washroom......they have wanted nothing to do with her, and grandma has been heartbroken because of it.
Family drama.....just adds fuel to the fire doesnt it? I would consider the idea that there are other sides to the story, but I've watched over the years, as other family members have gotten ill......they've run a mile. They're just "fairweather" family and that's all there is to it.
In the meantime, Uncle now has the flu, and is petrified he's going to give it to Grandma. But what to do when you're the sole caregiver?
I join with everyone else here for a peaceful ending to this journey.....
Love, Caroline xo
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ibake&pray
03-03-2009, 10:05 PM
My goodness. This beats any soap opera on TV, doesn't it? How dreadful they are to each other and to their mother. I would be asheamed toa ct like that to my mother. If I felt that way i certainly wouldn't do it where anyone would be aweare of it!
On thing that has struck me through this Caroline, is how much you have matured in the past week. Although your heart is breaking for grandmother, you have developed a maturity of vision im your assessment of the family and their motives and what can be done about it. I am astounded by the calmness you are displaying and am oh-so-pleased at the hard won control that you are displaying. Those baby steps have come a long whay my dear. Difficult though may be, you have learned and applied them well.
You are also very wise in your assessment of grandmother. She may very well be waiting for several things. She may be waiting for the favored daughter to come and say she loves her and it is all right for her to "go home". She may be waiting for all the of siblings to come and make their peace and say their good-byes. She may be waiting for her sisiters to come and make peace with her. We have no idea what they wait for. I do know that my mother waited for us to say "Thank you" before she passed, so it is possible that your grandmother is waiting for something, it is up to those over there to figure out what that puzzle is. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is more difficult. Personally my bet is on the favored but difficult daughter.
You have given you mother good advice for uncle. At this point he needs to let the sister and daughters see his mother[,no matter what he thinks of them or of hte visit. He should open the door, let them in and he should leave for, oh say an hour. Tell them he needs to runa n errand and he will return. And make sure that he tells them not to leave until her returns. It will give him a break and them the visit that all of sudden they so desparatly need. Of course they will go through the drawers and cupboards while he is gone, he knows this doesn't he? But it will be their guilt and anger over her dying that is coming out. They don't know what they can do, but they are sure that they could have done it better. It's the sense of sheer helplessness that causes the meaness, so they take it out on uncle instead of being humble and thankful for what he has done these past few years. Odd isn't it?
It is very tirering for uncle, both physically and emotionally. I imagine that having these old biddies around is very draining for him and he would love to have his peace and quiet back. But you must realize that he is also araid of the future and what it holds for him. He has had nothing but taking care of his mother. That has been his focus,also the extent of all other things. He has lost his friends, his job, his life. What will he do affter this? That is a fearful thought for him. I am sure that his sisters haven't rushed up to offer him jobs and places to live...
It will be a tough time for him as well. I pray for a gentle release for your grandmother, and a quiet healing for your uncle. They are both in my prayers. And my heart swells with pride when I read your post dear Caroline! You have grown also,my dear...you should feel proud of yourself!. I read maturity and thoughtful insight. Whether you like and agree with the aunts or not, you understand their desire to see their mother. You don't have to like it or condone it, but you understand it. Two months ago you would have been hurtling angry posts about who-do-they-think-they-are? Now we see thoughtlful questions about it, trying to gain more understanding. You rock momma chick!
On thing that has struck me through this Caroline, is how much you have matured in the past week. Although your heart is breaking for grandmother, you have developed a maturity of vision im your assessment of the family and their motives and what can be done about it. I am astounded by the calmness you are displaying and am oh-so-pleased at the hard won control that you are displaying. Those baby steps have come a long whay my dear. Difficult though may be, you have learned and applied them well.
You are also very wise in your assessment of grandmother. She may very well be waiting for several things. She may be waiting for the favored daughter to come and say she loves her and it is all right for her to "go home". She may be waiting for all the of siblings to come and make their peace and say their good-byes. She may be waiting for her sisiters to come and make peace with her. We have no idea what they wait for. I do know that my mother waited for us to say "Thank you" before she passed, so it is possible that your grandmother is waiting for something, it is up to those over there to figure out what that puzzle is. Sometimes it is easy, sometimes it is more difficult. Personally my bet is on the favored but difficult daughter.
You have given you mother good advice for uncle. At this point he needs to let the sister and daughters see his mother[,no matter what he thinks of them or of hte visit. He should open the door, let them in and he should leave for, oh say an hour. Tell them he needs to runa n errand and he will return. And make sure that he tells them not to leave until her returns. It will give him a break and them the visit that all of sudden they so desparatly need. Of course they will go through the drawers and cupboards while he is gone, he knows this doesn't he? But it will be their guilt and anger over her dying that is coming out. They don't know what they can do, but they are sure that they could have done it better. It's the sense of sheer helplessness that causes the meaness, so they take it out on uncle instead of being humble and thankful for what he has done these past few years. Odd isn't it?
It is very tirering for uncle, both physically and emotionally. I imagine that having these old biddies around is very draining for him and he would love to have his peace and quiet back. But you must realize that he is also araid of the future and what it holds for him. He has had nothing but taking care of his mother. That has been his focus,also the extent of all other things. He has lost his friends, his job, his life. What will he do affter this? That is a fearful thought for him. I am sure that his sisters haven't rushed up to offer him jobs and places to live...
It will be a tough time for him as well. I pray for a gentle release for your grandmother, and a quiet healing for your uncle. They are both in my prayers. And my heart swells with pride when I read your post dear Caroline! You have grown also,my dear...you should feel proud of yourself!. I read maturity and thoughtful insight. Whether you like and agree with the aunts or not, you understand their desire to see their mother. You don't have to like it or condone it, but you understand it. Two months ago you would have been hurtling angry posts about who-do-they-think-they-are? Now we see thoughtlful questions about it, trying to gain more understanding. You rock momma chick!
carsam
03-03-2009, 11:05 PM
Thank you dear friend for your reply....your words mean alot to me......so does your opinion, I value and cherish it!
You know what else I've learned Ibake? That it's actually more "peaceful" to let "go" of all that anger, and to just accept people for what they are....and just be who I am. Getting anxious and upset about things doesnt change a damn thing, and really just ends up going nowhere. I'm trying to learn to keep a reign on that, and perhaps I owe some of that to my new little baby, who is helping me right now keep a lid on my anxiety, bless him!!! But truthfully, it's honestly like a "release" to be able to be learning that I can advise my family and help when I can....but not take on the high level of "drama" that everyone else does, and to let everyone deal with things in their own way without it becoming "my" way.
I have a long way to go, but I really am learning....I owe so much to you all here.....you couldnt pay for better therapy anywhere!
Love, Caroline xo
You know what else I've learned Ibake? That it's actually more "peaceful" to let "go" of all that anger, and to just accept people for what they are....and just be who I am. Getting anxious and upset about things doesnt change a damn thing, and really just ends up going nowhere. I'm trying to learn to keep a reign on that, and perhaps I owe some of that to my new little baby, who is helping me right now keep a lid on my anxiety, bless him!!! But truthfully, it's honestly like a "release" to be able to be learning that I can advise my family and help when I can....but not take on the high level of "drama" that everyone else does, and to let everyone deal with things in their own way without it becoming "my" way.
I have a long way to go, but I really am learning....I owe so much to you all here.....you couldnt pay for better therapy anywhere!
Love, Caroline xo
meg1230
03-03-2009, 11:11 PM
Well, the difference between this post and the first one your wrote the last time is immense....it means you've taken all the constructive criticism here and taken it and molded it to fit your life. Good for you. I wish I had found this group a few years back when I felt as desparate as you.
As for your family, oh my. Oh My.
Something IBake said struck a chord with me. Should your uncle choose to invite the other family members in, the idea of him leaving your grandmother with them alone for just a little while to see what he has been dealing with alone for so long is very good. But I'm sure it would be difficult for him to do so...if he can't get into the car, just a walk around the block to get away would be good.
Would I let them in if I was him? I probably would but if one cross word were said to me or about me or how they would have handled things differently or better they would be out the door with no further discussion and no invitation to come back.
They had their chance now it is your uncle's call. He gets to make all decisions. He earned it.
Love, Meg
As for your family, oh my. Oh My.
Something IBake said struck a chord with me. Should your uncle choose to invite the other family members in, the idea of him leaving your grandmother with them alone for just a little while to see what he has been dealing with alone for so long is very good. But I'm sure it would be difficult for him to do so...if he can't get into the car, just a walk around the block to get away would be good.
Would I let them in if I was him? I probably would but if one cross word were said to me or about me or how they would have handled things differently or better they would be out the door with no further discussion and no invitation to come back.
They had their chance now it is your uncle's call. He gets to make all decisions. He earned it.
Love, Meg
carsam
03-03-2009, 11:31 PM
Thanks Meg, I totally agree with you about him making the call right now, he has certainly earned it.
My mother said to me that mostly she doesnt want to give them the chance to see her now that they have abandoned her for so long, but part of her wants them to see what she has become, how frail......as you said, what Uncle has been dealing with.....and let them live with seeing her as she's been all this time that they left her, and how she's suffered. I guess we'll see how it pans out.....
You'd never know we used to all be such a "normal" family.......but Ibake is right, it's like a soap opera!!
Love, Caroline xo
My mother said to me that mostly she doesnt want to give them the chance to see her now that they have abandoned her for so long, but part of her wants them to see what she has become, how frail......as you said, what Uncle has been dealing with.....and let them live with seeing her as she's been all this time that they left her, and how she's suffered. I guess we'll see how it pans out.....
You'd never know we used to all be such a "normal" family.......but Ibake is right, it's like a soap opera!!
Love, Caroline xo
Martha H
03-04-2009, 07:31 AM
Before I head off to Chicago and Miami, I read your post Caroline. My feeling is that even underneath all her confusion, your Grandma wants to have a reconciliation with her other children. I say let them come. Whatever they say or do, if it helps her transition into the better world, let them come. Excellent idea for your uncle to go out during their visits.
Good luck and I hope to find lots of good news on this Board when I get back.
Love,
Martha
Good luck and I hope to find lots of good news on this Board when I get back.
Love,
Martha
carsam
03-04-2009, 08:50 AM
Thanks Martha for taking the time to respond before your trip - I'm sure you have much to do to get ready!!!!
I completely agree with you about grandma waiting for a reconciliation. The more I think about it, while there is so much to be argued about, who did what, etc......right now it should be about grandma, and I believe she would want this. I will continue to suggest this for her sake. For me, I wouldnt even give them the courtesy of letting them know when she passes away, but my personal feelings aside, it's more what she would want that is important now.
Martha, have a wonderful time, we cant wait to hear all about your trip!!!
Love, Caroline xo
I completely agree with you about grandma waiting for a reconciliation. The more I think about it, while there is so much to be argued about, who did what, etc......right now it should be about grandma, and I believe she would want this. I will continue to suggest this for her sake. For me, I wouldnt even give them the courtesy of letting them know when she passes away, but my personal feelings aside, it's more what she would want that is important now.
Martha, have a wonderful time, we cant wait to hear all about your trip!!!
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
03-05-2009, 03:53 AM
I agree that it's Uncle's call but... Does he want to be as his sisters are? They didn't show up back then so I am not going to let them show up now even if they want to. Tit for Tat doesn't really get you anywhere. But letting them show up and running a quick errand gives them the opportunity to see what has been going on but yet your Uncle doesn't have to be there with them.
Perhaps I feel the way I do because my sister refuses to give me information about my Mom and Dad. Can I be there daily? No I can't. Does she think she is justified? Yes, she does. Somewhere in her preception she truly believes she is right. But is it right? NO!!!
The sisters need to know the ground rules. Yes, you can come see Mom but I will not be there and you need to stay until I get back. Uncle can do it his way but I truly believe it needs to be done, if for no other reason but for grandma. She may not remember it after they leave but in the moment it might be good for her.
I also agree with the rest. You post are so much more mature and lack the frustration we have seen before. Let go of the anger and accept people for who they are...... You wrote that and I smiled when I read it. Anxiety doesn't chang anything. You have to know what you can change and that you do something about. You have to know what you can't change and you have to let that go. You can't change that soap opera family of yours. Anxiety and anger only saps the positive energy that you need. You are doing so phantastic!!!
Love, deb
Perhaps I feel the way I do because my sister refuses to give me information about my Mom and Dad. Can I be there daily? No I can't. Does she think she is justified? Yes, she does. Somewhere in her preception she truly believes she is right. But is it right? NO!!!
The sisters need to know the ground rules. Yes, you can come see Mom but I will not be there and you need to stay until I get back. Uncle can do it his way but I truly believe it needs to be done, if for no other reason but for grandma. She may not remember it after they leave but in the moment it might be good for her.
I also agree with the rest. You post are so much more mature and lack the frustration we have seen before. Let go of the anger and accept people for who they are...... You wrote that and I smiled when I read it. Anxiety doesn't chang anything. You have to know what you can change and that you do something about. You have to know what you can't change and you have to let that go. You can't change that soap opera family of yours. Anxiety and anger only saps the positive energy that you need. You are doing so phantastic!!!
Love, deb
carsam
03-05-2009, 11:02 AM
Dearest Deb....
Thank you for your message....I completely see where you're coming from my friend....and in your case, absolutely your sister has NO business excluding you from the details on your mom and dad. It's manipulative, selfish and cruel and I hate that she treats you this way! Sister 4 needs to meet my aunts and then she'd know all about it!!!! Then maybe she'd thank her lucky stars she has such a wonderful sister! I admire actually how you handle her...and have learned alot from you in that regard. But dear friend, you are nothing like my aunts.....that is like comparing apples to oranges as the saying goes. You are not with your parents every day, but you are there as often as you can be, and are very much involved in their care. You talk to your mom on the phone, you meet with her doctors, you do everything you can and nothing less! My aunts live "5" minutes from my grandma and havent seen her in over 2 years Deb!!! There is no excuse for not being "able" to visit. My mom lives 3000 miles away, and goes there every 3 or 4 months. She calls every day, and talks with both my Uncles on the daily ups and downs of grandmas illness, what to do, what meds she's taking, what food to try. She is far, far away, oceans apart.....but she does what she can and she loves her mom. Uncle is by no means cutting my mom off because she is not there every day, she is "physically" there maybe for about 30 days out of the long year.....but she is emotionally there constantly.
Deb, one of those aunts is so awful that she even told my uncle that he was not her "brother", that he had a different father!!!! He was devastated!!! And then later she admitted it was a lie, she just wanted to hurt him. These are the type of women we're dealing with. So now maybe you understand a little why it is not easy after the last two years, to just let them back in. I do think for my grandmas sake it would be good for her, but as far as they are concerned, they have let her suffer, they have literally and physically walked past the car in the street, with grandma sitting in it, and kept on walking!!! The last thing this aunt said to my uncle, was that she would not even go to Grandma's funeral, and that she'd visit her at the cemetary!!! That's not easy to swallow when all of a sudden she wants to show up again. My uncle has "begged" them in the past for help, literally "begged" them, and the door was slammed in his face. I cant imagine how they really have any love in their hearts for their mother when they behave like that?
Deb, "you" are a wonderful daughter, and if my aunts were a fraction of the woman you are, I wouldnt have ever even found my way to this board, as our family wouldnt have imploded with all of this.
One of those aunts, is coming back and forth now as I told you. She even stayed the night last night. The first few times, Uncle left when she showed up as it was very tense between them, but now, although far from "civil"....she is back to visiting Grandma. This is proof that he's not trying to keep anyone or any info about Grandma from her daughters, but this daughter wasnt quite as cold as the other two. She called, wanted to see her, and did so the next day.
In saying that Deb, you are so right about the Tit for Tat thing, it is useless and a waste of energy. I can understand if their relationships are beyond repair, but all the anger serves no purpose anymore. Perhaps they will be able to see this "later"......right now, I think what's best for grandma should come first.
Thank you also for your positive words.....I am trying hard to make inroads with my issues....you've all pushed me in the right direction that's for sure!!!
Love, Caroline xo
Thank you for your message....I completely see where you're coming from my friend....and in your case, absolutely your sister has NO business excluding you from the details on your mom and dad. It's manipulative, selfish and cruel and I hate that she treats you this way! Sister 4 needs to meet my aunts and then she'd know all about it!!!! Then maybe she'd thank her lucky stars she has such a wonderful sister! I admire actually how you handle her...and have learned alot from you in that regard. But dear friend, you are nothing like my aunts.....that is like comparing apples to oranges as the saying goes. You are not with your parents every day, but you are there as often as you can be, and are very much involved in their care. You talk to your mom on the phone, you meet with her doctors, you do everything you can and nothing less! My aunts live "5" minutes from my grandma and havent seen her in over 2 years Deb!!! There is no excuse for not being "able" to visit. My mom lives 3000 miles away, and goes there every 3 or 4 months. She calls every day, and talks with both my Uncles on the daily ups and downs of grandmas illness, what to do, what meds she's taking, what food to try. She is far, far away, oceans apart.....but she does what she can and she loves her mom. Uncle is by no means cutting my mom off because she is not there every day, she is "physically" there maybe for about 30 days out of the long year.....but she is emotionally there constantly.
Deb, one of those aunts is so awful that she even told my uncle that he was not her "brother", that he had a different father!!!! He was devastated!!! And then later she admitted it was a lie, she just wanted to hurt him. These are the type of women we're dealing with. So now maybe you understand a little why it is not easy after the last two years, to just let them back in. I do think for my grandmas sake it would be good for her, but as far as they are concerned, they have let her suffer, they have literally and physically walked past the car in the street, with grandma sitting in it, and kept on walking!!! The last thing this aunt said to my uncle, was that she would not even go to Grandma's funeral, and that she'd visit her at the cemetary!!! That's not easy to swallow when all of a sudden she wants to show up again. My uncle has "begged" them in the past for help, literally "begged" them, and the door was slammed in his face. I cant imagine how they really have any love in their hearts for their mother when they behave like that?
Deb, "you" are a wonderful daughter, and if my aunts were a fraction of the woman you are, I wouldnt have ever even found my way to this board, as our family wouldnt have imploded with all of this.
One of those aunts, is coming back and forth now as I told you. She even stayed the night last night. The first few times, Uncle left when she showed up as it was very tense between them, but now, although far from "civil"....she is back to visiting Grandma. This is proof that he's not trying to keep anyone or any info about Grandma from her daughters, but this daughter wasnt quite as cold as the other two. She called, wanted to see her, and did so the next day.
In saying that Deb, you are so right about the Tit for Tat thing, it is useless and a waste of energy. I can understand if their relationships are beyond repair, but all the anger serves no purpose anymore. Perhaps they will be able to see this "later"......right now, I think what's best for grandma should come first.
Thank you also for your positive words.....I am trying hard to make inroads with my issues....you've all pushed me in the right direction that's for sure!!!
Love, Caroline xo
DGabriel10
03-05-2009, 01:03 PM
I do understand what you are saying. Yes, perhaps I am compareing apples and oranges. But, you have to live with what you do. I don't care what my sister has done in the past, I could never say no she can't come to see Mom and Dad. As with the one aunt that is now coming back, there is always a change that things may be different in the future. Anger is not to be held onto. We do need to guard ourselves against future hurt but not at the expense of doing something that we will regret. As for my sister, she will forever have to live with what she is doing to me and Sister 2. She was the one that said she could never do this because it was not right, yet she did it, so she knows it is not right. I know what she expected. She expected me to argue with her or even beg her to change her mind. Knowing I can't change anybody's mind.... I just deal with whatever. I could not shut her out in return because then I am behaving no better than she is. I think that is what I was getting at. It's not about Uncle or the sisters... it's about Grandmother and what is best for her.
No matter what they have done in the past, if they are willing to give time to your grandmother then let them do it. Nothing can relieve the guilt they feel for whatever they have done in the past. They can only go from here into the future. As with the one sister, people can do differently if they decide they want to. Have they earned that opportunity? NO they have not. But, who are we to say they shouldn't have it? Somebody has to be the bigger person and let go of the past. Not forget, and set yourself up for bombardment, but allow the change if it is going to take place. Then you know you have done all that you can. At this point, I truly feel sorry for my sister. I would hate to live with the fact that I had done something like that to my sister.......
Love, deb
No matter what they have done in the past, if they are willing to give time to your grandmother then let them do it. Nothing can relieve the guilt they feel for whatever they have done in the past. They can only go from here into the future. As with the one sister, people can do differently if they decide they want to. Have they earned that opportunity? NO they have not. But, who are we to say they shouldn't have it? Somebody has to be the bigger person and let go of the past. Not forget, and set yourself up for bombardment, but allow the change if it is going to take place. Then you know you have done all that you can. At this point, I truly feel sorry for my sister. I would hate to live with the fact that I had done something like that to my sister.......
Love, deb
carsam
03-05-2009, 03:05 PM
Very true Deb.....
While I totally understand his feelings towards those two sisters, I hear what you're saying also. I actually said that to my mom when the first aunt called to say she wanted to see grandma again....I used those very words, that "who are we to say she cant see her, maybe she wants to make peace with grandma, to make amends, who knows?".....so for sure, I do agree with that.
It's truly a tough situation eh? I agree also, it's about whats best for grandma, that's what's most important. But it's hard not to understand where he's coming from, what's he's sacrified the last two years while they've been enjoying their lives.....I guess its what they call a "grey" situation. I also think those there is nothing to be gained from holding onto anger. I'm learning that myself even. And absolutely I feel also sorry for them in a way that they will have to live with having made her suffering worse by abandoning her.
When I was reading your post Deb, it made me think of something that happened last fall.....maybe at a point, where both my mom and my Uncle were at a "low" point.....and they had a huge blowup. For almost a week, they never spoke.....and mom had no idea what was going on with grandma. I called my Uncle and tried to intervene....because I saw it was tearing my mom up not knowing how she was and what was happening. At the time I was angry at him for doing that to her......he knew how much it would get to her.....it's almost like a "trump card" he can use, due to the fact that she just cant get in the car and drive over there. I know for that week, being shut out of what was happening with grandma was so upsetting for her, I truly hope one day your Sister will realize how wrong she's been for doing that to you, and how much she should have been grateful for your help and support.....
Thanks for your post....its always good to look at things from different perspectives, really helps to "diffuse" things sometimes to see how other people would deal with situations.
Love, Caroline xo
While I totally understand his feelings towards those two sisters, I hear what you're saying also. I actually said that to my mom when the first aunt called to say she wanted to see grandma again....I used those very words, that "who are we to say she cant see her, maybe she wants to make peace with grandma, to make amends, who knows?".....so for sure, I do agree with that.
It's truly a tough situation eh? I agree also, it's about whats best for grandma, that's what's most important. But it's hard not to understand where he's coming from, what's he's sacrified the last two years while they've been enjoying their lives.....I guess its what they call a "grey" situation. I also think those there is nothing to be gained from holding onto anger. I'm learning that myself even. And absolutely I feel also sorry for them in a way that they will have to live with having made her suffering worse by abandoning her.
When I was reading your post Deb, it made me think of something that happened last fall.....maybe at a point, where both my mom and my Uncle were at a "low" point.....and they had a huge blowup. For almost a week, they never spoke.....and mom had no idea what was going on with grandma. I called my Uncle and tried to intervene....because I saw it was tearing my mom up not knowing how she was and what was happening. At the time I was angry at him for doing that to her......he knew how much it would get to her.....it's almost like a "trump card" he can use, due to the fact that she just cant get in the car and drive over there. I know for that week, being shut out of what was happening with grandma was so upsetting for her, I truly hope one day your Sister will realize how wrong she's been for doing that to you, and how much she should have been grateful for your help and support.....
Thanks for your post....its always good to look at things from different perspectives, really helps to "diffuse" things sometimes to see how other people would deal with situations.
Love, Caroline xo