dreams in neon
03-07-2009, 08:05 AM
Hi everyone,
I was awfully tired yesterday, so I decided to go to sleep earlier than usual and woke up around 2am. I felt hopeless and cried for 2 hours nonstop. However, I can't pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I feel so empty and lonely right now. I don't feel suicidal -- I just feel a tremendous sense of helplessness. I feel the same way I did after I lost my hearing in 1995. The tears won't stop and I'm starting to hear voices that are telling me what an awful person I am. I'm frustrated as well because I haven't rapid cycled the past 9 days and now this happens. I hate having bipolar and wish I could feel normal for more than a week. Is that too much to ask??? My next pdoc appointment is on Monday, so I plan to tell him that although I've been doing really well, I'm feeling depressed again. I also plan to talk to my tdoc later today. I don't know what the point of this post is except to say that I'm struggling right now and could use some cheerful thoughts and ideas as to how I can get through this. By the way, I took a Clonazepam to help calm myself down, but it only made me feel worse.
I was awfully tired yesterday, so I decided to go to sleep earlier than usual and woke up around 2am. I felt hopeless and cried for 2 hours nonstop. However, I can't pinpoint why I feel the way I do. I feel so empty and lonely right now. I don't feel suicidal -- I just feel a tremendous sense of helplessness. I feel the same way I did after I lost my hearing in 1995. The tears won't stop and I'm starting to hear voices that are telling me what an awful person I am. I'm frustrated as well because I haven't rapid cycled the past 9 days and now this happens. I hate having bipolar and wish I could feel normal for more than a week. Is that too much to ask??? My next pdoc appointment is on Monday, so I plan to tell him that although I've been doing really well, I'm feeling depressed again. I also plan to talk to my tdoc later today. I don't know what the point of this post is except to say that I'm struggling right now and could use some cheerful thoughts and ideas as to how I can get through this. By the way, I took a Clonazepam to help calm myself down, but it only made me feel worse.
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dreams in neon
03-07-2009, 10:49 AM
My DVD player isn't hooked up, so I can't watch any funny movies. I tried watching TV, but all I hear are people laughing and having a good time. I've tried telling my voices to go away, but they never listen. I wish Kat were online so she could tell me how she handles her severe suicidal depression. I don't feel suicidal, but I do feel very, very depressed. I'm crying as I type this because the tears won't stop. I have a headache for which Tylenol hasn't helped and all I can think about are the good times I used to have with my friends when I didn't have bipolar. I hate this d*mn disease! I hate it!
dreams in neon
03-07-2009, 07:45 PM
Thanks to someone on another BP message board, I learned that depression is a side effect of Clonazepam. I've been on this med for 9 days, so it's possible that I could be depressed as a result. I plan to discuss this further with my pdoc and tdoc this upcoming week.
katlin09
03-07-2009, 11:00 PM
Hey friend,
Sorry I've not been around, I think you and I twins that we are...well I've not been able to get out of bed much yesterday and today, so I've only been online a bit. but i'm here now, and sorry that you're having a hard time. First of all, don't take any Klonopin why you're feeling down and tired and depressed, it'll will probably just keep making you feel worse, as benzo's technically are in the depressant category. And remember you've went 9 days without rapid cycling and that is no small feat for you, and that is a really super thing, totally super. We know that this hellish disease doesn't let us be stable all the time, so you've done pretty good for quite a while. Now we just have to get past this crummy hopeless time.
When you wake up depressed and hopeless, there doesn't really have to be a reason, it just is....so don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why you feel that way. Try to make yourself get up, and do some of the normal things you'd do in a day, even if it's just going through the motions. TV is probably not a big thing for you right now, so gear more towards faster paced "happy" music to keep your spirits going up. Try to go outside and take a walk, this weekend is supposed to be pretty much springlike every where. Take your dog out for a walk so you both can enjoy some of the great weather. If you're inside and you just can't make yourself get out, then make sure your dog is hanging out with you...it makes a difference to have a pet with you, I know if my cat is with me, it make me feel somewhat better, and if I talk to the cat it helps. Try talking to your dog, just normal conversations to offset the voices your hearing. If that doesn't help, write down a one sentence "mantra" that you can yell at the voices each time they start up, and just keep telling them the same thing everytime. These are some of the things that I do, or am supposed to do when the depression gets bad. I did make it out for a walk to get my mail today.
We'll get you through this my friend, and keep telling yourself how great it is that you went so long with your rapid cycling being under control, because that is totally awesome!
keep talkign to me, i'll be around tonight.
kat
Sorry I've not been around, I think you and I twins that we are...well I've not been able to get out of bed much yesterday and today, so I've only been online a bit. but i'm here now, and sorry that you're having a hard time. First of all, don't take any Klonopin why you're feeling down and tired and depressed, it'll will probably just keep making you feel worse, as benzo's technically are in the depressant category. And remember you've went 9 days without rapid cycling and that is no small feat for you, and that is a really super thing, totally super. We know that this hellish disease doesn't let us be stable all the time, so you've done pretty good for quite a while. Now we just have to get past this crummy hopeless time.
When you wake up depressed and hopeless, there doesn't really have to be a reason, it just is....so don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why you feel that way. Try to make yourself get up, and do some of the normal things you'd do in a day, even if it's just going through the motions. TV is probably not a big thing for you right now, so gear more towards faster paced "happy" music to keep your spirits going up. Try to go outside and take a walk, this weekend is supposed to be pretty much springlike every where. Take your dog out for a walk so you both can enjoy some of the great weather. If you're inside and you just can't make yourself get out, then make sure your dog is hanging out with you...it makes a difference to have a pet with you, I know if my cat is with me, it make me feel somewhat better, and if I talk to the cat it helps. Try talking to your dog, just normal conversations to offset the voices your hearing. If that doesn't help, write down a one sentence "mantra" that you can yell at the voices each time they start up, and just keep telling them the same thing everytime. These are some of the things that I do, or am supposed to do when the depression gets bad. I did make it out for a walk to get my mail today.
We'll get you through this my friend, and keep telling yourself how great it is that you went so long with your rapid cycling being under control, because that is totally awesome!
keep talkign to me, i'll be around tonight.
kat
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 12:14 AM
Kat,
I was feeling better for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling depressed again. I find that when I talk to my voices, they become stronger. I've been told by all of my pdocs never to talk back to my voices for this reason. It's so frustrating. They won't stop and are becoming louder and more powerful. I couldn't go outside because the weather was cold and rainy all day. I don't know how tomorrow is expected to be, but I'm hoping it will be nice because the weather certainly didn't help my mood any. I haven't eaten all day and don't feel like it. I can't watch TV because everything I watch has someone laughing or the plot is too complicated for me to follow since I can't concentrate. I'm crying right now and am doing everything I can not to SH, but it isn't easy. I want to give up because I'm so tired of having BP. I know I've gone 9 days without rapid cycling, but why can't I be stable for a longer period of time? Why do I always have to worry about how I'm feeling, how long it will last and the next time I start to cycle again? I can't sleep right now either because I have a headache that won't go away with meds. I spent time with Tigger and she knows something is wrong. She keeps licking me, giving me a hug as well as her paw. I feel so bad for her because I haven't been able to take her for a nice long walk in awhile due to the cold stretch of weather we've had. I can't wait to see my pdoc and tdoc on Monday. Right now I'm tempted to go IP because certain thoughts have entered my mind, but I can't bear to be without Tigger. She's 12 years old and needs me. I wish the tears would stop because I can't take this anymore.
I was feeling better for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling depressed again. I find that when I talk to my voices, they become stronger. I've been told by all of my pdocs never to talk back to my voices for this reason. It's so frustrating. They won't stop and are becoming louder and more powerful. I couldn't go outside because the weather was cold and rainy all day. I don't know how tomorrow is expected to be, but I'm hoping it will be nice because the weather certainly didn't help my mood any. I haven't eaten all day and don't feel like it. I can't watch TV because everything I watch has someone laughing or the plot is too complicated for me to follow since I can't concentrate. I'm crying right now and am doing everything I can not to SH, but it isn't easy. I want to give up because I'm so tired of having BP. I know I've gone 9 days without rapid cycling, but why can't I be stable for a longer period of time? Why do I always have to worry about how I'm feeling, how long it will last and the next time I start to cycle again? I can't sleep right now either because I have a headache that won't go away with meds. I spent time with Tigger and she knows something is wrong. She keeps licking me, giving me a hug as well as her paw. I feel so bad for her because I haven't been able to take her for a nice long walk in awhile due to the cold stretch of weather we've had. I can't wait to see my pdoc and tdoc on Monday. Right now I'm tempted to go IP because certain thoughts have entered my mind, but I can't bear to be without Tigger. She's 12 years old and needs me. I wish the tears would stop because I can't take this anymore.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 12:27 AM
Dreams,
I know it's hard, I've been with you all day, and my son is with his dad, so I'm also alone this weekend, and although I prefer it that way, it tends to make things worse. It also sucks that even with my Trazadone I still don't go to sleep until around 4:00. I like you just want to give up, tired of this damn disease and all the hell that it brings to our lives. We try so hard all the time, do what our docs say, take all the meds.....why don't we get a break?
Have you taken your PRN dose of Trazadone? Perhaps that would help you go to sleep soon, so you could just get a rest and a break. I'm sorry ya'lls weather isnt' better. I'm sure Tigger understands that you're feeling down, animals are so perceptive, it's almost scary, just let him hug and luv you, take as much as he wants to give you.
Sorry I gave you bad advice about the voices, that's one I've never had experience with. Did you call your tdoc tonight? Do you think this is bad enough to go IP, are the "thoughts" intense enough at this point to where you think you might act on them?
keep talking to me, 'kay.
kat
I know it's hard, I've been with you all day, and my son is with his dad, so I'm also alone this weekend, and although I prefer it that way, it tends to make things worse. It also sucks that even with my Trazadone I still don't go to sleep until around 4:00. I like you just want to give up, tired of this damn disease and all the hell that it brings to our lives. We try so hard all the time, do what our docs say, take all the meds.....why don't we get a break?
Have you taken your PRN dose of Trazadone? Perhaps that would help you go to sleep soon, so you could just get a rest and a break. I'm sorry ya'lls weather isnt' better. I'm sure Tigger understands that you're feeling down, animals are so perceptive, it's almost scary, just let him hug and luv you, take as much as he wants to give you.
Sorry I gave you bad advice about the voices, that's one I've never had experience with. Did you call your tdoc tonight? Do you think this is bad enough to go IP, are the "thoughts" intense enough at this point to where you think you might act on them?
keep talking to me, 'kay.
kat
seaturtle
03-08-2009, 01:42 AM
Hello, neondreams,
Hey, so sorry to hear you're in that place. I have been there, and inevitably, that hours-long crying over nothing in particular is a med reaction (for me). Can you call your pdoc tonight and ask advice? Maybe talk with the pharmacist, too - I find that often more informative and reassuring.
Don't be alone, if you can avoid it, do. Even on the telephone.
How about listening to the news on TV?
On the few occasions when I've had someone close near me, it has been so comforting to sit there and let it all out.
As kat said, you've had 9 nine days, which must be some sort of record, and over the past few months, you've had some good ones, too. I know that doesn't ever mean it will make us get out of the depression (I am sure this is endogenous), but it might help you intellectually have some hope.
Headaches are the worst. Is it migraine? I've gone to the ER with them, and if it's making you feel all that much more worse, maybe a trip up there, both for that and the depression (if it doesn't let up). Esp. since you're contemplating SH.
I don't have auditory hallucinations, but my mind gets loud and can take over my awareness. My tdoc told me to distract myself, do anything, and not to get engaged with it, since fighting those things just engages us with them more.
But I have some friends who just yell STOP at them, and sometimes, they get somewhere.
I will check on you later.
Hugs, many,
Seaturtle
Hey, so sorry to hear you're in that place. I have been there, and inevitably, that hours-long crying over nothing in particular is a med reaction (for me). Can you call your pdoc tonight and ask advice? Maybe talk with the pharmacist, too - I find that often more informative and reassuring.
Don't be alone, if you can avoid it, do. Even on the telephone.
How about listening to the news on TV?
On the few occasions when I've had someone close near me, it has been so comforting to sit there and let it all out.
As kat said, you've had 9 nine days, which must be some sort of record, and over the past few months, you've had some good ones, too. I know that doesn't ever mean it will make us get out of the depression (I am sure this is endogenous), but it might help you intellectually have some hope.
Headaches are the worst. Is it migraine? I've gone to the ER with them, and if it's making you feel all that much more worse, maybe a trip up there, both for that and the depression (if it doesn't let up). Esp. since you're contemplating SH.
I don't have auditory hallucinations, but my mind gets loud and can take over my awareness. My tdoc told me to distract myself, do anything, and not to get engaged with it, since fighting those things just engages us with them more.
But I have some friends who just yell STOP at them, and sometimes, they get somewhere.
I will check on you later.
Hugs, many,
Seaturtle
seaturtle
03-08-2009, 01:53 AM
Hello again.
just want t add something to what I wrote before. My father was a doctor, and I tend to avoid feelings, so I always go to well, it's a physical event. Never emotional.
Huh, oh well.
What I wanted to say was that you have also just cause to be depressed, frustrated, hating the illness. You have a full plate all the time. You mentioned your hearing - this alone is something to grieve, your eyesight, the mental illnesses. Would it help if you directed some of your depressive feelings at these things and the other difficulties in your life?
I think we sometimes burn out and collapse into tears.
And do check out the Klonopin w/doc. I wonder if it's the cause, since you had such relief from it for a while. But kat is right, the benzos can do that. I take Xanax, which has a slight anti-depressive effect.
Keep in touch,
Seaturtle
just want t add something to what I wrote before. My father was a doctor, and I tend to avoid feelings, so I always go to well, it's a physical event. Never emotional.
Huh, oh well.
What I wanted to say was that you have also just cause to be depressed, frustrated, hating the illness. You have a full plate all the time. You mentioned your hearing - this alone is something to grieve, your eyesight, the mental illnesses. Would it help if you directed some of your depressive feelings at these things and the other difficulties in your life?
I think we sometimes burn out and collapse into tears.
And do check out the Klonopin w/doc. I wonder if it's the cause, since you had such relief from it for a while. But kat is right, the benzos can do that. I take Xanax, which has a slight anti-depressive effect.
Keep in touch,
Seaturtle
seaturtle
03-08-2009, 03:01 AM
neondreams -
Just found the other post. Yuck, fie on them. Stay away.
Nasty to you, insulting, mean. I don't believe how they spoke.
Seaturtle
Just found the other post. Yuck, fie on them. Stay away.
Nasty to you, insulting, mean. I don't believe how they spoke.
Seaturtle
irishwriter
03-08-2009, 07:59 AM
Kat,
I was feeling better for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling depressed again. I find that when I talk to my voices, they become stronger. I've been told by all of my pdocs never to talk back to my voices for this reason. It's so frustrating. They won't stop and are becoming louder and more powerful. I couldn't go outside because the weather was cold and rainy all day. I don't know how tomorrow is expected to be, but I'm hoping it will be nice because the weather certainly didn't help my mood any. I haven't eaten all day and don't feel like it. I can't watch TV because everything I watch has someone laughing or the plot is too complicated for me to follow since I can't concentrate. I'm crying right now and am doing everything I can not to SH, but it isn't easy. I want to give up because I'm so tired of having BP. I know I've gone 9 days without rapid cycling, but why can't I be stable for a longer period of time? Why do I always have to worry about how I'm feeling, how long it will last and the next time I start to cycle again? I can't sleep right now either because I have a headache that won't go away with meds. I spent time with Tigger and she knows something is wrong. She keeps licking me, giving me a hug as well as her paw. I feel so bad for her because I haven't been able to take her for a nice long walk in awhile due to the cold stretch of weather we've had. I can't wait to see my pdoc and tdoc on Monday. Right now I'm tempted to go IP because certain thoughts have entered my mind, but I can't bear to be without Tigger. She's 12 years old and needs me. I wish the tears would stop because I can't take this anymore.
dreams,
i am so sorry to hear that. it is awful when meds work for a while and then stop it is like torture when the pain comes back. can you spead to pdoc about tweaking meds, maybe you need a higher dose of klonopin, or maybe you need to increase something else or add in something else. thouhts are with you.
I was feeling better for awhile, but now I'm back to feeling depressed again. I find that when I talk to my voices, they become stronger. I've been told by all of my pdocs never to talk back to my voices for this reason. It's so frustrating. They won't stop and are becoming louder and more powerful. I couldn't go outside because the weather was cold and rainy all day. I don't know how tomorrow is expected to be, but I'm hoping it will be nice because the weather certainly didn't help my mood any. I haven't eaten all day and don't feel like it. I can't watch TV because everything I watch has someone laughing or the plot is too complicated for me to follow since I can't concentrate. I'm crying right now and am doing everything I can not to SH, but it isn't easy. I want to give up because I'm so tired of having BP. I know I've gone 9 days without rapid cycling, but why can't I be stable for a longer period of time? Why do I always have to worry about how I'm feeling, how long it will last and the next time I start to cycle again? I can't sleep right now either because I have a headache that won't go away with meds. I spent time with Tigger and she knows something is wrong. She keeps licking me, giving me a hug as well as her paw. I feel so bad for her because I haven't been able to take her for a nice long walk in awhile due to the cold stretch of weather we've had. I can't wait to see my pdoc and tdoc on Monday. Right now I'm tempted to go IP because certain thoughts have entered my mind, but I can't bear to be without Tigger. She's 12 years old and needs me. I wish the tears would stop because I can't take this anymore.
dreams,
i am so sorry to hear that. it is awful when meds work for a while and then stop it is like torture when the pain comes back. can you spead to pdoc about tweaking meds, maybe you need a higher dose of klonopin, or maybe you need to increase something else or add in something else. thouhts are with you.
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 09:27 AM
dreams,
i am so sorry to hear that. it is awful when meds work for a while and then stop it is like torture when the pain comes back. can you spead to pdoc about tweaking meds, maybe you need a higher dose of klonopin, or maybe you need to increase something else or add in something else. thouhts are with you.
Thanks. I'm concerned about increasing my Clonazepam dose since one of the side effects is depression and I don't know if the way I'm feeling has anything to do with that. I could increase my Depakote, but I'm already on 1500mg and the highest dose is 2000mg. I can't take Lamictal since it isn't supposed to be used by people who are on Depakote. My pdoc did suggest adding a small dose of Lithium if my rapid cycling doesn't improve, so that may be our next option. I suppose I could also have him increase my Fluoxetine from 20mg to 40mg.
As for how I'm feeling this morning, I'm still depressed. I'm really hoping the weather is nice today so that I can spend some time outdoors. I'm also going to call the cable company to add one or two movie channels so I always have something I can distract myself with when I need to keep my mind focused on other things besides my rapid cycling or depression.
i am so sorry to hear that. it is awful when meds work for a while and then stop it is like torture when the pain comes back. can you spead to pdoc about tweaking meds, maybe you need a higher dose of klonopin, or maybe you need to increase something else or add in something else. thouhts are with you.
Thanks. I'm concerned about increasing my Clonazepam dose since one of the side effects is depression and I don't know if the way I'm feeling has anything to do with that. I could increase my Depakote, but I'm already on 1500mg and the highest dose is 2000mg. I can't take Lamictal since it isn't supposed to be used by people who are on Depakote. My pdoc did suggest adding a small dose of Lithium if my rapid cycling doesn't improve, so that may be our next option. I suppose I could also have him increase my Fluoxetine from 20mg to 40mg.
As for how I'm feeling this morning, I'm still depressed. I'm really hoping the weather is nice today so that I can spend some time outdoors. I'm also going to call the cable company to add one or two movie channels so I always have something I can distract myself with when I need to keep my mind focused on other things besides my rapid cycling or depression.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 03:23 PM
Hey Girl,
Tell yourself today will be a better day, and keep telling yourself that. I dropped off somewhere around 3 or 4, and am really missing that lost hour. As opposed to 11:30 which is when I usually get up because the cat jumps on my head demanding food, it was 12:30 and it's throwing my whole day off, so I just said screw it and got back in bed. It's gorgeious here outside and I have no desire to go out. We should switch places I would love some cold rainy weather as it's so bright here, haven't got my black blinds up yet....they're in a box on the floor, might do that later. So give the cable co. a call now, they can add the chanells while your talking to them on the phone, they do it by satellite uplink signal, it takes about 2 minutes.
i have another black eye and it's giving me a killer headache, I need to find the percocet bottle! So what are we going to do today? Yak on the boards, cuz that will engage our brains in something other than "us", try to get outside with Tigger, for me I have to make sure "Wallie" doesn't get outside. Order some movie channels via phone, and think of some more things later. Is your head better today?
Kat
Tell yourself today will be a better day, and keep telling yourself that. I dropped off somewhere around 3 or 4, and am really missing that lost hour. As opposed to 11:30 which is when I usually get up because the cat jumps on my head demanding food, it was 12:30 and it's throwing my whole day off, so I just said screw it and got back in bed. It's gorgeious here outside and I have no desire to go out. We should switch places I would love some cold rainy weather as it's so bright here, haven't got my black blinds up yet....they're in a box on the floor, might do that later. So give the cable co. a call now, they can add the chanells while your talking to them on the phone, they do it by satellite uplink signal, it takes about 2 minutes.
i have another black eye and it's giving me a killer headache, I need to find the percocet bottle! So what are we going to do today? Yak on the boards, cuz that will engage our brains in something other than "us", try to get outside with Tigger, for me I have to make sure "Wallie" doesn't get outside. Order some movie channels via phone, and think of some more things later. Is your head better today?
Kat
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 05:51 PM
Hi Kat,
I still have a headache today. It's not a migraine, so I can't take Imitrex. I tried taking Extra Strenth Excedrin, but it's not touching the pain.
I haven't eaten for 2 days and hate to think about how many pounds I've lost. I just don't have the energy to eat. One of the good things about being IP is that you receive 3 meals/day and have to eat. I don't even feel like drinking a protein drink. My doctor told me to always keep some in the fridge for whenever I'm manic or depressed, but I don't know why I bother since I don't drink it anyways.
I did call the cable company and ordered 2 movie channels. Right now though I'm on the computer with no background noise because my head is killing me.
I went outside earlier to take Tigger for a short walk, but it didn't do anything to improve my mood because it was so cold and kept raining at a moderate level. I wouldn't mind if it were below zero and sunny because at least the weather wouldn't be so dark and depressing like it is now. If we have one more day of cold and rain, I swear I'm going to pack up a duffel bag and take a Greyhound to Arizona. I can't stand this. I would do anything to have some sunny weather and it won't be soon enough that I move to Arizona this summer. I love the sun and hot temperatures. While I'd miss the cold (meaning temperatures in the 40s on a nice, crisp autumn day), I wouldn't mind temperatures in the 70s during this time of year.
I tried writing in my journal today, but I can't think clearly enough and besides, I have nothing to write about.
When I see my pdoc and tdoc, I have no idea what I'm going to tell them. I've been doing really really well for 9 days without cycling and am now depressed for the second day in a row. I'm not going to be too concerned though unless I have more inappropriate thoughts enter my head or I experience psychotic depression.
I tried listening to my favorite music from the 80s, but all it does is remind me of the days when I didn't have bipolar. It also reminds me of my good voice Jill whom I haven't heard in awhile. I miss her when I feel as depressed as I do today, but I guess it doesn't matter since she will most likely never come back to me.
I still have a headache today. It's not a migraine, so I can't take Imitrex. I tried taking Extra Strenth Excedrin, but it's not touching the pain.
I haven't eaten for 2 days and hate to think about how many pounds I've lost. I just don't have the energy to eat. One of the good things about being IP is that you receive 3 meals/day and have to eat. I don't even feel like drinking a protein drink. My doctor told me to always keep some in the fridge for whenever I'm manic or depressed, but I don't know why I bother since I don't drink it anyways.
I did call the cable company and ordered 2 movie channels. Right now though I'm on the computer with no background noise because my head is killing me.
I went outside earlier to take Tigger for a short walk, but it didn't do anything to improve my mood because it was so cold and kept raining at a moderate level. I wouldn't mind if it were below zero and sunny because at least the weather wouldn't be so dark and depressing like it is now. If we have one more day of cold and rain, I swear I'm going to pack up a duffel bag and take a Greyhound to Arizona. I can't stand this. I would do anything to have some sunny weather and it won't be soon enough that I move to Arizona this summer. I love the sun and hot temperatures. While I'd miss the cold (meaning temperatures in the 40s on a nice, crisp autumn day), I wouldn't mind temperatures in the 70s during this time of year.
I tried writing in my journal today, but I can't think clearly enough and besides, I have nothing to write about.
When I see my pdoc and tdoc, I have no idea what I'm going to tell them. I've been doing really really well for 9 days without cycling and am now depressed for the second day in a row. I'm not going to be too concerned though unless I have more inappropriate thoughts enter my head or I experience psychotic depression.
I tried listening to my favorite music from the 80s, but all it does is remind me of the days when I didn't have bipolar. It also reminds me of my good voice Jill whom I haven't heard in awhile. I miss her when I feel as depressed as I do today, but I guess it doesn't matter since she will most likely never come back to me.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 06:41 PM
Dreams,
It's okay that you don't feel magically better, you're making yourself go through the motions of normalcy and even if it doesn't feel like it, that is an accomplishment. If your headache is still there and not getting any relief from normal OTC pain meds, you can take an imitrex, it won't hurt anything. When I have those kinds of headaches I take my Axert so that they don't develop into a migraine, which is a strong possibility when it's lasted this long. I'm sure Tigger enjoyed the walk. I finally opened the patio door and a few windows and Wallie is loving the breeze that comes in he's not gotten out of the window sill or away from the patio screen door since. He's such a lazy kitty during the day, I have to throw his jingly balls around to get him to run around and play some so he'll sleep at night.
Keep on going through your motions today, you're doing good, and take your imitrex if the headache persists. I know you're missing Jill, maybe she'll show up later. I'm glad you called the cable company, that was a good step.
And as for what you'll tell your pdoc and tdoc, remember just go with the truth, they'll work off that and help you understand what's going on and verbalize how you feel about it.
I'll check in with you in a while, i'm going to nap for a bit, staying in bed all day for some reason makes me tired. You've done way better than me today, I haven't even managed going through the motions, all I've managed is putting some laundry in, and talked with you guys.
kat
It's okay that you don't feel magically better, you're making yourself go through the motions of normalcy and even if it doesn't feel like it, that is an accomplishment. If your headache is still there and not getting any relief from normal OTC pain meds, you can take an imitrex, it won't hurt anything. When I have those kinds of headaches I take my Axert so that they don't develop into a migraine, which is a strong possibility when it's lasted this long. I'm sure Tigger enjoyed the walk. I finally opened the patio door and a few windows and Wallie is loving the breeze that comes in he's not gotten out of the window sill or away from the patio screen door since. He's such a lazy kitty during the day, I have to throw his jingly balls around to get him to run around and play some so he'll sleep at night.
Keep on going through your motions today, you're doing good, and take your imitrex if the headache persists. I know you're missing Jill, maybe she'll show up later. I'm glad you called the cable company, that was a good step.
And as for what you'll tell your pdoc and tdoc, remember just go with the truth, they'll work off that and help you understand what's going on and verbalize how you feel about it.
I'll check in with you in a while, i'm going to nap for a bit, staying in bed all day for some reason makes me tired. You've done way better than me today, I haven't even managed going through the motions, all I've managed is putting some laundry in, and talked with you guys.
kat
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 08:14 PM
Kat,
I'm sorry you're not doing well today either. I've been keeping myself busy by visiting a few message boards and checking my email.
I still have a headache, but am going to follow your advice and take an Imitrex. I tried taking a nap earlier after taking some Tylenol, but couldn't sleep because the pain was too intense.
You're right about being honest with my pdoc and tdoc. Besides, they both know that I get depressed this time of year. I could tell them I've been well for the most part, but just ran into a small bump in the road and don't know if it's my typical depression or a side effect of the Clonazepam.
I opened up the windows to let some fresh air in hoping that would lift my spirits, but had to close them right away because it was too windy and rain was blowing inside the screen.
I was able to distract myself for about an hour by watching a movie. I'm glad I called the cable company to have 2 additional movie channels added. I'm also going to have a nieghbor connect my DVD player and then start ordering DVDs from Netflix so I have a funny movie I can watch whenever I'm depressed. One of my favorites is "What About Bob?" starring Bill Murray. Everytime I watch it, I can't stop laughing. LOL!
I'm sorry you're not doing well today either. I've been keeping myself busy by visiting a few message boards and checking my email.
I still have a headache, but am going to follow your advice and take an Imitrex. I tried taking a nap earlier after taking some Tylenol, but couldn't sleep because the pain was too intense.
You're right about being honest with my pdoc and tdoc. Besides, they both know that I get depressed this time of year. I could tell them I've been well for the most part, but just ran into a small bump in the road and don't know if it's my typical depression or a side effect of the Clonazepam.
I opened up the windows to let some fresh air in hoping that would lift my spirits, but had to close them right away because it was too windy and rain was blowing inside the screen.
I was able to distract myself for about an hour by watching a movie. I'm glad I called the cable company to have 2 additional movie channels added. I'm also going to have a nieghbor connect my DVD player and then start ordering DVDs from Netflix so I have a funny movie I can watch whenever I'm depressed. One of my favorites is "What About Bob?" starring Bill Murray. Everytime I watch it, I can't stop laughing. LOL!
katlin09
03-08-2009, 09:31 PM
I love that movie, it makes us look sane! *l* I also like Tin Cup, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and all Jeff Dunham videos, he is an amazing ventriliquist/comedian!
I'm glad today is almost over, not that I go to sleep anyway, but it seems like I can just give up having to try so hard once I can take my meds and just go to bed.
Did your imitrex help the headache any?
kat
I'm glad today is almost over, not that I go to sleep anyway, but it seems like I can just give up having to try so hard once I can take my meds and just go to bed.
Did your imitrex help the headache any?
kat
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 10:00 PM
I took an Imitrex about 20 minutes ago and the pain is finally gone.
I also enjoy the evenings even though it's when I get depressed. What I like is the fact that I can retreat to bed away from all of my problems and mood swings.
I may stay up all night tonight because I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow at 11am. I'm afraid that if I go to bed, I may not wake up on time. I'm exhausted, but think I can hang on until after tomorrow's appointments before I crash.
I'm going to keep myself awake by drinking several cans of orange soda since that seems to have more caffeine than Coke does.
I also enjoy the evenings even though it's when I get depressed. What I like is the fact that I can retreat to bed away from all of my problems and mood swings.
I may stay up all night tonight because I have a pdoc appointment tomorrow at 11am. I'm afraid that if I go to bed, I may not wake up on time. I'm exhausted, but think I can hang on until after tomorrow's appointments before I crash.
I'm going to keep myself awake by drinking several cans of orange soda since that seems to have more caffeine than Coke does.
caitlin122
03-08-2009, 10:05 PM
I totally empathize and sympathize with you. I too right now am feeling the same way. I'm crying right now just because I can't stand dealing with this disorder anymore. I feel like anytime I make some progress, it all gets taken away from me. I'm also upset right now because I fear my support system at home with my boyfriend is not supportive at all. My parents are extremely supportive, but I don't live with them anymore, so when something happens, like my mood swing and irritability, it's my boyfriends response is what I get, and it only makes me feel worse. There doesn't have to be a point to these posts sometimes. Sometimes just getting out how you feel can be just as therapeutic. I'm sorry to hear how you are feeling. Just now, things always look brighter in the morning. Start out fresh tomorrow. Make yourself get up, shower, and get dressed, even if you don't have anywhere to go. That makes you feel better. Well, it does for me sometimes.
seaturtle
03-08-2009, 10:09 PM
neondreams,
I hope the Imitrex works. As I've mentioned, the Imitrex injections are the only thing that works for me. Zomig sublingual does, too, at times, but my insurance won't cover that.
MIgraines, ouch. If all else fails, go to the ER with it. You don't need the severe headache on top of everything else.
Kat and neondreams - can you recommend any more movies?
I have Blockbuster, and I've had some really bad ones recently, one last night which was very violent and graphic.
I turned it right off, but saw enough to give me flashbacks and a sickness in my guts.
I like the classics a lot.
Seaturtle
I hope the Imitrex works. As I've mentioned, the Imitrex injections are the only thing that works for me. Zomig sublingual does, too, at times, but my insurance won't cover that.
MIgraines, ouch. If all else fails, go to the ER with it. You don't need the severe headache on top of everything else.
Kat and neondreams - can you recommend any more movies?
I have Blockbuster, and I've had some really bad ones recently, one last night which was very violent and graphic.
I turned it right off, but saw enough to give me flashbacks and a sickness in my guts.
I like the classics a lot.
Seaturtle
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 10:11 PM
caitlin,
Thank you for your post. It feels so good to know that there are others here who understand the pain I'm feeling right now. Bipolar is a cruel, cruel disorder that is relentless and filled with so much uncertainty. I also get tired of the constant rapid cycling from mania to extreme anger/irritability to depression before it starts all over again, but in a different pattern. To be honest, I don't even feel like going to my pdoc and tdoc appointments tomorrow. Whenever I feel depressed and need to see one of them, it's as if my feet have dead weights on them, my mind is clouded and it takes everything inside of me just to move. I've been sitting at the computer all day, but I guess that's a good thing because I haven't SHed. Try to hang in there and I will too.
Thank you for your post. It feels so good to know that there are others here who understand the pain I'm feeling right now. Bipolar is a cruel, cruel disorder that is relentless and filled with so much uncertainty. I also get tired of the constant rapid cycling from mania to extreme anger/irritability to depression before it starts all over again, but in a different pattern. To be honest, I don't even feel like going to my pdoc and tdoc appointments tomorrow. Whenever I feel depressed and need to see one of them, it's as if my feet have dead weights on them, my mind is clouded and it takes everything inside of me just to move. I've been sitting at the computer all day, but I guess that's a good thing because I haven't SHed. Try to hang in there and I will too.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 11:13 PM
Seaturtle,
I enjoy the new version of "Six Days and Seven Nights" wity Anne Heche and Harrison Ford, and "The In-Laws"with Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks, these are both remakes of classics, and they're both very entertaining and have plenty of giggles, not to mention lead male charachters that are'nt hard to look at! Two of my newer favorites are "The family Stone" and "Must Love Dogs".
The last two are kind of comical love stories.
Let me know if you watch any of them and enjoy them.
kat
I enjoy the new version of "Six Days and Seven Nights" wity Anne Heche and Harrison Ford, and "The In-Laws"with Michael Douglas and Albert Brooks, these are both remakes of classics, and they're both very entertaining and have plenty of giggles, not to mention lead male charachters that are'nt hard to look at! Two of my newer favorites are "The family Stone" and "Must Love Dogs".
The last two are kind of comical love stories.
Let me know if you watch any of them and enjoy them.
kat
caitlin122
03-08-2009, 11:28 PM
we will hang in there together. I don't like seeing my docs when I feel like this either. It's hard, because you dont' want to do anything when you feel like this. This is a relentess disorder, with no cure. It's so easy to feel hopeless at times. My main concern right now is that I don't want my 6 year old daughter seeing me lilke this. She is at the age where she will have memories of this. I'm having an awful night tonight trying to cope with all of this. I have been dealing with the disorder for 9 years. I thought I was doing so well, but I think I was wrong. It's so hard I don't know what to do.
dreams in neon
03-09-2009, 12:06 AM
Are you in therapy by any chance? I've been seeing a tdoc for the past 1.5 years and have found that it helps tremendously in allowing me to cope with my bipolar. I thank God for my tdoc because if it weren't for him, I'd still be living in the land of confusion as far as bipolar is concerned even though I was diagnosed in 2006. My old pdoc never explained to me what mania was and only recently did I learn that as someone with BPI, I could experience hypomania. Here I spent 3 years thinking I was manic when the truth is, I was probably hypomanic. Whatever you do, always remind your daughter how much you love her. Explain to her in simple terms how "mommy isn't well and sometimes gets very mad or depressed." Perhaps if you offer her an explanation, she will begin to understand that your mood changes aren't deliberate, but part of a disorder that makes "mommy sick."
caitlin122
03-09-2009, 12:35 AM
I have been in and out of therpay for 10 years. I stop when I think I'm better, then start when problems start again. I think I need to realize that constant therpay is what is needed, even when I'm feeling well, as pro active maintaince. I just want so much to be normal, that when I'm feeling well, I stop all meds and therapy, and then I explode at some point, and start again. I have to stop the yo yo act of therapy and meds.
irishwriter
03-09-2009, 05:10 AM
we will hang in there together. I don't like seeing my docs when I feel like this either. It's hard, because you dont' want to do anything when you feel like this. This is a relentess disorder, with no cure. It's so easy to feel hopeless at times. My main concern right now is that I don't want my 6 year old daughter seeing me lilke this. She is at the age where she will have memories of this. I'm having an awful night tonight trying to cope with all of this. I have been dealing with the disorder for 9 years. I thought I was doing so well, but I think I was wrong. It's so hard I don't know what to do.
Hi caitlin,
please don't worry about your daughter. children are very resiliant. mine all survived being told i was 'sick' sometimes when they were small and all understand it now (all experienced various forms of depression but none bp) i have been battling this since i was 15 so thirty years of it. i am tired. i do keep trying new meds though in the quest for ones that work. do keep taking your meds as you obviously need them all the time. if you were asthmatic or diabetic you would just take them without thinking! take care.
Hi caitlin,
please don't worry about your daughter. children are very resiliant. mine all survived being told i was 'sick' sometimes when they were small and all understand it now (all experienced various forms of depression but none bp) i have been battling this since i was 15 so thirty years of it. i am tired. i do keep trying new meds though in the quest for ones that work. do keep taking your meds as you obviously need them all the time. if you were asthmatic or diabetic you would just take them without thinking! take care.
irishwriter
03-09-2009, 05:15 AM
caitlin,
Thank you for your post. It feels so good to know that there are others here who understand the pain I'm feeling right now. Bipolar is a cruel, cruel disorder that is relentless and filled with so much uncertainty. I also get tired of the constant rapid cycling from mania to extreme anger/irritability to depression before it starts all over again, but in a different pattern. To be honest, I don't even feel like going to my pdoc and tdoc appointments tomorrow. Whenever I feel depressed and need to see one of them, it's as if my feet have dead weights on them, my mind is clouded and it takes everything inside of me just to move. I've been sitting at the computer all day, but I guess that's a good thing because I haven't SHed. Try to hang in there and I will too.
hi dreams.
glad you didn't sh. am back to every day! but still trying to reduce. glad new med helped with headache. when i cant manage to get to tdoc she is great over the phone. would that work with yours? haven't heard from pdco since friday when he had little time to talk and am again feeling abandoned. don'tknow what's giong on with him. he used to be available 24/7 and it's difficult to deal with the withdrawal of that support, he konws he's my only support here, particularly on weekends and tdoc takes weekends off.
take care
Thank you for your post. It feels so good to know that there are others here who understand the pain I'm feeling right now. Bipolar is a cruel, cruel disorder that is relentless and filled with so much uncertainty. I also get tired of the constant rapid cycling from mania to extreme anger/irritability to depression before it starts all over again, but in a different pattern. To be honest, I don't even feel like going to my pdoc and tdoc appointments tomorrow. Whenever I feel depressed and need to see one of them, it's as if my feet have dead weights on them, my mind is clouded and it takes everything inside of me just to move. I've been sitting at the computer all day, but I guess that's a good thing because I haven't SHed. Try to hang in there and I will too.
hi dreams.
glad you didn't sh. am back to every day! but still trying to reduce. glad new med helped with headache. when i cant manage to get to tdoc she is great over the phone. would that work with yours? haven't heard from pdco since friday when he had little time to talk and am again feeling abandoned. don'tknow what's giong on with him. he used to be available 24/7 and it's difficult to deal with the withdrawal of that support, he konws he's my only support here, particularly on weekends and tdoc takes weekends off.
take care
dreams in neon
03-09-2009, 05:18 AM
I have been in and out of therpay for 10 years. I stop when I think I'm better, then start when problems start again. I think I need to realize that constant therpay is what is needed, even when I'm feeling well, as pro active maintaince. I just want so much to be normal, that when I'm feeling well, I stop all meds and therapy, and then I explode at some point, and start again. I have to stop the yo yo act of therapy and meds.
I know how you feel. I once stopped my meds for a week during a manic episisode because I felt really, really good. After I stopped my meds, my auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia came back worse than before. Now I'm always 100% med-compliant. As for therapy, I continue seeing my tdoc even when I'm doing well because I could do well for a day or two, but then rapid cycle into mania, agitation or depression. Besides, I've found therapy to be a good way of helping me evaluate my moods, triggers and situations that may cause rapid cycling.
I know how you feel. I once stopped my meds for a week during a manic episisode because I felt really, really good. After I stopped my meds, my auditory hallucinations, delusions and paranoia came back worse than before. Now I'm always 100% med-compliant. As for therapy, I continue seeing my tdoc even when I'm doing well because I could do well for a day or two, but then rapid cycle into mania, agitation or depression. Besides, I've found therapy to be a good way of helping me evaluate my moods, triggers and situations that may cause rapid cycling.
caitlin122
03-09-2009, 10:36 AM
Yea, I'm going to see my tdoc today due my manic and depressive episodes yesterday. I'm going to to do what you and stay on a consistent med regimen. I think I need a mood stablizer thouh. I'm going to ask for Depakote, which has worked well in the past. If I don't take immediate action, I'm going to make some big mistakes. As it is I called out of work today. Not good. But I had to. I got no sleep last night, and need to see my tdoc. I'm new to this message board, and last night was my first night posting. I have to say I love it. It helped me out last night. I forget that other people are out there going through the same hell I am. It's nice to talk with others who know first hand what I'm going through, so thank you alot!
caitlin122
03-09-2009, 10:39 AM
Hi caitlin,
please don't worry about your daughter. children are very resiliant. mine all survived being told i was 'sick' sometimes when they were small and all understand it now (all experienced various forms of depression but none bp) i have been battling this since i was 15 so thirty years of it. i am tired. i do keep trying new meds though in the quest for ones that work. do keep taking your meds as you obviously need them all the time. if you were asthmatic or diabetic you would just take them without thinking! take care.
Thank you so much! That really helps to hear, because I'm so worried my daughter will be affected by this. She's so young and impressionable. It makes me feel a lot better to talk to someone who went through this with kids. Thank you. And I will stay on my meds. I'm going today to get a new regimen. Something is not working here, and I need to be on meds all the time. I resisted long enough.
please don't worry about your daughter. children are very resiliant. mine all survived being told i was 'sick' sometimes when they were small and all understand it now (all experienced various forms of depression but none bp) i have been battling this since i was 15 so thirty years of it. i am tired. i do keep trying new meds though in the quest for ones that work. do keep taking your meds as you obviously need them all the time. if you were asthmatic or diabetic you would just take them without thinking! take care.
Thank you so much! That really helps to hear, because I'm so worried my daughter will be affected by this. She's so young and impressionable. It makes me feel a lot better to talk to someone who went through this with kids. Thank you. And I will stay on my meds. I'm going today to get a new regimen. Something is not working here, and I need to be on meds all the time. I resisted long enough.
mowgli
03-09-2009, 08:22 PM
Good for you Caitlin, and goodluck today and for the future.
I have 3 children, 15, 12 & 7 (the middle ones name is Caitlin too), and I have found that the best thing is explain it to them in terms they understand, of course each of them understanding it differently. I think it's important for a few reasons, mostly because they pick up that things aren't right and you aren't who you normally are- and the poor things worry more than you think. Then there is that kids copy your behaviour- and there is is some stuff that I don't want my kids thinking is normal, so they need to know that it is a result of an illness and not something you always have full control over. The last is that if you really bad or have to go IP there is a foundation for the explanation and may not be such a shock to them.
But as I say Goodluck!
I have 3 children, 15, 12 & 7 (the middle ones name is Caitlin too), and I have found that the best thing is explain it to them in terms they understand, of course each of them understanding it differently. I think it's important for a few reasons, mostly because they pick up that things aren't right and you aren't who you normally are- and the poor things worry more than you think. Then there is that kids copy your behaviour- and there is is some stuff that I don't want my kids thinking is normal, so they need to know that it is a result of an illness and not something you always have full control over. The last is that if you really bad or have to go IP there is a foundation for the explanation and may not be such a shock to them.
But as I say Goodluck!
typeing
03-09-2009, 10:57 PM
Dreams,
I'm sorry i didn't see this post earlier, I hope you are feeling better, if you want to talk you know how to get me.
I'm sorry i didn't see this post earlier, I hope you are feeling better, if you want to talk you know how to get me.
dreams in neon
03-10-2009, 12:03 AM
Dreams,
I'm sorry i didn't see this post earlier, I hope you are feeling better, if you want to talk you know how to get me.
Thanks, typeing. I'm doing much better today. I had a great appointment with my pdoc and tdoc. Both were very pleased that I went 9 days without rapid cycling. Now the countdown continues. So far, I'm on day 1 without any cycling. We shall see how long this lasts.
I'm sorry i didn't see this post earlier, I hope you are feeling better, if you want to talk you know how to get me.
Thanks, typeing. I'm doing much better today. I had a great appointment with my pdoc and tdoc. Both were very pleased that I went 9 days without rapid cycling. Now the countdown continues. So far, I'm on day 1 without any cycling. We shall see how long this lasts.
seaturtle
03-10-2009, 12:17 AM
neondreams,
Glad to hear from you! And glad you've had a good day. I gather your meds were changed again?
Keep your chin up. You're having a heck of a time getting that cocktail (and didn't your pdoc tell you that the meds can only help so much in your case). You continue to be an inspiration to me.
Seaturtle
Glad to hear from you! And glad you've had a good day. I gather your meds were changed again?
Keep your chin up. You're having a heck of a time getting that cocktail (and didn't your pdoc tell you that the meds can only help so much in your case). You continue to be an inspiration to me.
Seaturtle
dreams in neon
03-10-2009, 12:23 AM
neondreams,
Glad to hear from you! And glad you've had a good day. I gather your meds were changed again?
Keep your chin up. You're having a heck of a time getting that cocktail (and didn't your pdoc tell you that the meds can only help so much in your case). You continue to be an inspiration to me.
Seaturtle
My pdoc decided not to make any changes since the last time my Fluoxetine was increased from 20mg to 40mg, I experienced a mixed episode while IP. However, he did say that if my depression continues, he will adjust my meds accordingly indicating that he may add a small dose of Lithium to my Depakote, Fluoxetine, Geodon, Trazodone and Clonazepam.
My pdoc said the Clonazepam is an "add on" which gives me the extra push I need in order to help maintain my stability.
You're right. My pdoc did say that my bipolar is considered "severe" and is difficult to treat given my rapid cycling. He told me to expect cycling at least once/day since the Clonazepam won't eliminate my symptoms completely. So far, I'm on day 1 without any rapid cycling. It will be interesting to see how long this continues.
Thanks for the compliment! I look up to you and so many others on the board! I appreciate your friendship (and that of others here as well!) so much! :)
Glad to hear from you! And glad you've had a good day. I gather your meds were changed again?
Keep your chin up. You're having a heck of a time getting that cocktail (and didn't your pdoc tell you that the meds can only help so much in your case). You continue to be an inspiration to me.
Seaturtle
My pdoc decided not to make any changes since the last time my Fluoxetine was increased from 20mg to 40mg, I experienced a mixed episode while IP. However, he did say that if my depression continues, he will adjust my meds accordingly indicating that he may add a small dose of Lithium to my Depakote, Fluoxetine, Geodon, Trazodone and Clonazepam.
My pdoc said the Clonazepam is an "add on" which gives me the extra push I need in order to help maintain my stability.
You're right. My pdoc did say that my bipolar is considered "severe" and is difficult to treat given my rapid cycling. He told me to expect cycling at least once/day since the Clonazepam won't eliminate my symptoms completely. So far, I'm on day 1 without any rapid cycling. It will be interesting to see how long this continues.
Thanks for the compliment! I look up to you and so many others on the board! I appreciate your friendship (and that of others here as well!) so much! :)
irishwriter
03-10-2009, 05:11 AM
Thank you so much! That really helps to hear, because I'm so worried my daughter will be affected by this. She's so young and impressionable. It makes me feel a lot better to talk to someone who went through this with kids. Thank you. And I will stay on my meds. I'm going today to get a new regimen. Something is not working here, and I need to be on meds all the time. I resisted long enough.
caitlin, glad to hear you are going back on meds. it does take time to get the combo right, so try to be patient with it. my kids are 15, 20 and 22 and all lovely, wonderful human beings so again do not worry. they went through my divorce and lived with my depression and all fine, the divorce was the best thing for them too and they knew that so that made it easier for them. i will say that i hid as much as i could from them and my daughter 15, knows nothing about the cutting and any suicide failures.
hope all works well for you. keep us posted.
caitlin, glad to hear you are going back on meds. it does take time to get the combo right, so try to be patient with it. my kids are 15, 20 and 22 and all lovely, wonderful human beings so again do not worry. they went through my divorce and lived with my depression and all fine, the divorce was the best thing for them too and they knew that so that made it easier for them. i will say that i hid as much as i could from them and my daughter 15, knows nothing about the cutting and any suicide failures.
hope all works well for you. keep us posted.
katlin09
03-10-2009, 06:14 PM
Cailin,
Ditto to Irish's post. I have an 18 yr. old and a 10 yr. old, both sons. And they've been through the self harm, well the older one, the depression, severe, suicide attempts, not coming out of bed for weeks at a time, and now a divorce, which is the best for them, which I hope they will someday understand.
kat
Ditto to Irish's post. I have an 18 yr. old and a 10 yr. old, both sons. And they've been through the self harm, well the older one, the depression, severe, suicide attempts, not coming out of bed for weeks at a time, and now a divorce, which is the best for them, which I hope they will someday understand.
kat
caitlin122
03-10-2009, 10:39 PM
caitlin, glad to hear you are going back on meds. it does take time to get the combo right, so try to be patient with it. my kids are 15, 20 and 22 and all lovely, wonderful human beings so again do not worry. they went through my divorce and lived with my depression and all fine, the divorce was the best thing for them too and they knew that so that made it easier for them. i will say that i hid as much as i could from them and my daughter 15, knows nothing about the cutting and any suicide failures.
hope all works well for you. keep us posted.
Thank you so much Irish! I am on the right track, but I did end up having to leave work today. I am taking a medical leave of abscence until I get things back to together again. And thank god for my parents, who can help my out with my daughter, and take her when I get bad so she doesn't have to see too much. I have been through the med routine years ago, but I had a bad experience. I was way over medicated, and I experienced drug induced psychosis, which is when I attempted suicide twice. So this time I will put more say in what meds I'm on and how many. I am more open to the idea since my bad experience. More so than I have ever been. I realize I need them at this point. I have finally come to accept the fact that I will be on something the rest of my life. One day at a time.
hope all works well for you. keep us posted.
Thank you so much Irish! I am on the right track, but I did end up having to leave work today. I am taking a medical leave of abscence until I get things back to together again. And thank god for my parents, who can help my out with my daughter, and take her when I get bad so she doesn't have to see too much. I have been through the med routine years ago, but I had a bad experience. I was way over medicated, and I experienced drug induced psychosis, which is when I attempted suicide twice. So this time I will put more say in what meds I'm on and how many. I am more open to the idea since my bad experience. More so than I have ever been. I realize I need them at this point. I have finally come to accept the fact that I will be on something the rest of my life. One day at a time.
irishwriter
03-11-2009, 05:35 AM
Thank you so much Irish! I am on the right track, but I did end up having to leave work today. I am taking a medical leave of abscence until I get things back to together again. And thank god for my parents, who can help my out with my daughter, and take her when I get bad so she doesn't have to see too much. I have been through the med routine years ago, but I had a bad experience. I was way over medicated, and I experienced drug induced psychosis, which is when I attempted suicide twice. So this time I will put more say in what meds I'm on and how many. I am more open to the idea since my bad experience. More so than I have ever been. I realize I need them at this point. I have finally come to accept the fact that I will be on something the rest of my life. One day at a time.
i research every med before i will even consider taking it. it sometimes drives pdoc insane but i don't care, there are some side effects i am not willing to live with. good luck with it!
i research every med before i will even consider taking it. it sometimes drives pdoc insane but i don't care, there are some side effects i am not willing to live with. good luck with it!
katlin09
03-11-2009, 06:47 PM
My pdoc is just the opposite he wants me to thoroughly research every med before I agree to take it...I finally downloaded Epocrates onto my blackberry so I can do it right in the office.
dreams in neon
03-11-2009, 07:11 PM
My pdoc knows how knowledgeable I am about bipolar and meds, but isn't intimidated. In fact, he looks at this as being a positive since it makes me a more informed patient and his job easier.
irishwriter
03-12-2009, 04:26 AM
My pdoc knows how knowledgeable I am about bipolar and meds, but isn't intimidated. In fact, he looks at this as being a positive since it makes me a more informed patient and his job easier.
god am really losing it this week!! meant to say 'drives doc insane" (gp) pdoc thinks it makes it a more level playing field as did my previous doc who unfortunately since i moved over four hours from him about ten years ago i now only have contact with him by phone but he is still amazingly supportive on phone.
god am really losing it this week!! meant to say 'drives doc insane" (gp) pdoc thinks it makes it a more level playing field as did my previous doc who unfortunately since i moved over four hours from him about ten years ago i now only have contact with him by phone but he is still amazingly supportive on phone.
dreams in neon
03-12-2009, 11:01 AM
I can't remember what thread I posted the fact that I was hypomanic last night in, so I'll post an update here. I went to sleep around 12:30am and woke up at 7:30.
7 hours of sleep. Not bad considering how little I've had over the past several days. Thanks to the fact that I haven't slept in days, I woke up with a massive headache for which I plan to take Imitrex. I definitely learned my lesson. As for my hypomania, it's finally gone. Thank goodness. I'm now back to feeling level, so if all goes well today, it will make day 3 without any rapid cycling.
7 hours of sleep. Not bad considering how little I've had over the past several days. Thanks to the fact that I haven't slept in days, I woke up with a massive headache for which I plan to take Imitrex. I definitely learned my lesson. As for my hypomania, it's finally gone. Thank goodness. I'm now back to feeling level, so if all goes well today, it will make day 3 without any rapid cycling.
typeing
03-12-2009, 01:26 PM
Yay Dreams, you are doing so well!
dreams in neon
03-12-2009, 01:39 PM
Thanks, typeing.
I have a question about hypomania. Since I was only hypomanic last night, does that really qualify as a hypomanic episode? I'm an ultradian rapid cycler (which means that my moods change every hour and sometimes every minute), so would this be different in my case? I know that people like myself who have atypical bipolar have very rapid mood changes, but I don't know what constitutes a true hypomanic episode.
I have a question about hypomania. Since I was only hypomanic last night, does that really qualify as a hypomanic episode? I'm an ultradian rapid cycler (which means that my moods change every hour and sometimes every minute), so would this be different in my case? I know that people like myself who have atypical bipolar have very rapid mood changes, but I don't know what constitutes a true hypomanic episode.
katlin09
03-12-2009, 05:29 PM
Dreams,
By observing how you were on the Board, and what you were telling us about how you were acting at home. That was a true hypomanic state. And you have to remember that your pdoc has you on meds to keep you from rapid cycling, so that was just a normal switch from depressed/stable to hypomanic.
I woke up with a migraine today and had to take my Axert for the first time in a month or so, the dang weather going up and down and the barometric pressure rising and lowering is killing me.
kat
By observing how you were on the Board, and what you were telling us about how you were acting at home. That was a true hypomanic state. And you have to remember that your pdoc has you on meds to keep you from rapid cycling, so that was just a normal switch from depressed/stable to hypomanic.
I woke up with a migraine today and had to take my Axert for the first time in a month or so, the dang weather going up and down and the barometric pressure rising and lowering is killing me.
kat
dreams in neon
03-12-2009, 06:09 PM
Dreams,
By observing how you were on the Board, and what you were telling us about how you were acting at home. That was a true hypomanic state. And you have to remember that your pdoc has you on meds to keep you from rapid cycling, so that was just a normal switch from depressed/stable to hypomanic.
I woke up with a migraine today and had to take my Axert for the first time in a month or so, the dang weather going up and down and the barometric pressure rising and lowering is killing me.
kat
Thanks for answering my question, Kat. I get so confused about hypomania because I'm not hypomanic very often. (Rarely in fact except when I'm coming down from a manic episode.) My bipolar tends to cycle into hypomania or mania during the spring and summer months and depression to mania and back during the autumn and winter. Also, since I only recently learned that I could be hypomanic as someone who has BPI, I'm not completely familiar with how it feels since I can only remember being hypomanic a handful of times -- this past January when my pdoc told me I was hypomanic after experiencing a manic episode, when I was recently IP following a mixed episode and last night. Rapid cycling can be so darn confusing especially since my moods don't last for weeks or months like most people with bipolar. The only exception to this is when I'm depressed. When I'm depressed, it can last for 2 weeks or longer. Then again, there could have been times where I've been manic for weeks on end. This was definitely the case for me between December, 2004 and March, 2006 when I was psychotic. It wasn't until my auditory hallucinations worsened and anethesia caused mania that everything culminated into a manic/psychotic episode in February, 2006.
I'm sorry to hear about your migraine. How well does Axert work for you? My Imitrex works within 15 minutes. Feel better soon!
By observing how you were on the Board, and what you were telling us about how you were acting at home. That was a true hypomanic state. And you have to remember that your pdoc has you on meds to keep you from rapid cycling, so that was just a normal switch from depressed/stable to hypomanic.
I woke up with a migraine today and had to take my Axert for the first time in a month or so, the dang weather going up and down and the barometric pressure rising and lowering is killing me.
kat
Thanks for answering my question, Kat. I get so confused about hypomania because I'm not hypomanic very often. (Rarely in fact except when I'm coming down from a manic episode.) My bipolar tends to cycle into hypomania or mania during the spring and summer months and depression to mania and back during the autumn and winter. Also, since I only recently learned that I could be hypomanic as someone who has BPI, I'm not completely familiar with how it feels since I can only remember being hypomanic a handful of times -- this past January when my pdoc told me I was hypomanic after experiencing a manic episode, when I was recently IP following a mixed episode and last night. Rapid cycling can be so darn confusing especially since my moods don't last for weeks or months like most people with bipolar. The only exception to this is when I'm depressed. When I'm depressed, it can last for 2 weeks or longer. Then again, there could have been times where I've been manic for weeks on end. This was definitely the case for me between December, 2004 and March, 2006 when I was psychotic. It wasn't until my auditory hallucinations worsened and anethesia caused mania that everything culminated into a manic/psychotic episode in February, 2006.
I'm sorry to hear about your migraine. How well does Axert work for you? My Imitrex works within 15 minutes. Feel better soon!
katlin09
03-12-2009, 11:23 PM
The axert works in about 30 minutes to an hour if it's going to, sometimes I have to go to my docs office and get a shot of Tordal. Since I'm a Chronic Pain patient and have been on strong narcotics for the last 6 years, sometimes my alternate pain meds don't work so we have to tweak them as well, it's a major pain. I slep for about 1 1/2 hours after I took it, and my head was somewhat better but not all the way gone, so I'll take another one in a couple of hours before bed, and hopefully it will be gone tomorrow. Although the Barometric Pressure is going to be all over the place this week so I'm not counting on being Migraine free this week, that's the main thing that triggers my migraines.
kat
kat
dreams in neon
03-13-2009, 12:07 AM
Kat,
I know how you feel. I'm still dealing with this d*mn headache of mine. I already took 3 Imitrex today (and I only have 9 pills until I have them refilled) that have done nothing for my pain. My head is pounding right now. I can't wait to take my 2 doses of Clonazepam and Trazodone tonight so I can go to sleep. I might even take 3 doses of Clonazepam just to make sure it knocks me out.
I know how you feel. I'm still dealing with this d*mn headache of mine. I already took 3 Imitrex today (and I only have 9 pills until I have them refilled) that have done nothing for my pain. My head is pounding right now. I can't wait to take my 2 doses of Clonazepam and Trazodone tonight so I can go to sleep. I might even take 3 doses of Clonazepam just to make sure it knocks me out.