marovi
03-07-2009, 11:35 PM
I am wondering about the childhood of other people who have BP diagnosis. I am wondering if I've had it since childhood.
As a child, I was very smart. I loved to do extra assignments and teachers considered skipping me a grade in elementary school. I was kind of bossy to my peers. I always thought I was right and needed everything done my way. I loved coming up with projects like making a cat/dog sitting business. I did this when I was in the fourth grade. I recruited peers to work and we held meetings and advertised. I also started groups in my neighborhood to take children on hikes in the woods (my backyard). I also advertised with flyers and posters for this. I was probably in third grade. Of course, adults just kind of laughed at my efforts and thought it was cute.
I did not sleep well as a child. I would stay up as late as possible reading novels. I read my first novel in Kindergarten. I didn't have any problem getting out of bed in the morning though.
Although I didn't have any behavior problems in school, I sometimes had violent behaviors at home. I would lash out at my parents and sister. I remember one day throwing my supper on the floor and smashing the plate because I didn't like what my mom had made. I would physically beat up my sister and parents, even as a young child. I remember being about 10 and pushing my father to the ground. My violence was often a result of conflict about my sister. She lied a lot and got me into trouble for things I didn't do. I also got mad about things like having to go on vacation or on outings to places like the beach for example. I did not like having my routine thrown off. I never had any violent behaviors at school. I might have been a bit bossy, but only enough to make my peers annoyed for a short period of time.
I remember having so much stress in my life that I would sit cross legged and rock on the floor. I would stare at the wall until I almost forgot everything that was going on around me. I could lose track of time that way.
I had some paranoia when I was young. Even at the elementary school age, I remember worrying that there were people hiding in the bush outside my bedroom window. I would worry that there was a camera watching me in my room sometimes, or someone hiding in my closet. Sometimes I would feel like something was going to get me if I didn't wrap my entire body in a blanket at night. I never slept with my feet out of the blanket.
Ever since I was a child, I remember seeing frightening things. I saw what I believed to be the devil hovering over my bed when I was probably elementary school age. I ran to my parents room once it went away. They insisted I was dreaming, but I knew I wasn't. Sometimes everything went different colors. Everything would have a tint of grey, white or red for instance. Like someone put in a colored lightbulb. I saw a white person standing in my living room one day.
As I grew older, I continued to do very well in school but became really depressed. I became more violent at home and had a lot of anxiety at school. I always had a boyfriend that I counted on to get me through the days. I had migraines, back pain and insomnia. I felt the need to always be busy. I worked 20 hours a week, went to school and played on three sports teams in grade 11. The conflict at home led me to move to my grandmother's house in grade 11 and for almost a year I had no conflict with my parents. I continued to do well in school but skipped class a lot. I couldn't bear to be there and had bad social anxiety. I had few friends and didn't like talking to people at all.
When I started university, I broke up with my boyfriend, started drinking 4-5 nights a week and becoming very social. I lost all of my friends that I had before. Within a few months I was very depressed again and spent most of my time in bed, skipping school. I continued to do well in school though. I started hearing voices then. I would hear my name whispered occasionally, or people chattering.
I started antidepressants a year later. I went through 11 of them in three months and went through major psychosis. I saw monsters who were looking at me through windows, tvs and computer screens. I wouldn't leave the house. I couldn't eat... lost about 40 lbs in three months. I continued to make As in school,although I rarely attended. I was hospitalized for three days when I thought the monsters were coming and wanted me to hang myself from an iv pole. I wasn't actually going to, but I guess doctors interpreted that as being suicidal.
I withdrew on my own from all of my medications. I have been coping with diet and exercise.
That is the extent of my past. Wondering if people had similar childhoods. Any reason I was only violent to my parents and sister? Why was I able to keep up in school? Do you think I had BP my whole life?
As a child, I was very smart. I loved to do extra assignments and teachers considered skipping me a grade in elementary school. I was kind of bossy to my peers. I always thought I was right and needed everything done my way. I loved coming up with projects like making a cat/dog sitting business. I did this when I was in the fourth grade. I recruited peers to work and we held meetings and advertised. I also started groups in my neighborhood to take children on hikes in the woods (my backyard). I also advertised with flyers and posters for this. I was probably in third grade. Of course, adults just kind of laughed at my efforts and thought it was cute.
I did not sleep well as a child. I would stay up as late as possible reading novels. I read my first novel in Kindergarten. I didn't have any problem getting out of bed in the morning though.
Although I didn't have any behavior problems in school, I sometimes had violent behaviors at home. I would lash out at my parents and sister. I remember one day throwing my supper on the floor and smashing the plate because I didn't like what my mom had made. I would physically beat up my sister and parents, even as a young child. I remember being about 10 and pushing my father to the ground. My violence was often a result of conflict about my sister. She lied a lot and got me into trouble for things I didn't do. I also got mad about things like having to go on vacation or on outings to places like the beach for example. I did not like having my routine thrown off. I never had any violent behaviors at school. I might have been a bit bossy, but only enough to make my peers annoyed for a short period of time.
I remember having so much stress in my life that I would sit cross legged and rock on the floor. I would stare at the wall until I almost forgot everything that was going on around me. I could lose track of time that way.
I had some paranoia when I was young. Even at the elementary school age, I remember worrying that there were people hiding in the bush outside my bedroom window. I would worry that there was a camera watching me in my room sometimes, or someone hiding in my closet. Sometimes I would feel like something was going to get me if I didn't wrap my entire body in a blanket at night. I never slept with my feet out of the blanket.
Ever since I was a child, I remember seeing frightening things. I saw what I believed to be the devil hovering over my bed when I was probably elementary school age. I ran to my parents room once it went away. They insisted I was dreaming, but I knew I wasn't. Sometimes everything went different colors. Everything would have a tint of grey, white or red for instance. Like someone put in a colored lightbulb. I saw a white person standing in my living room one day.
As I grew older, I continued to do very well in school but became really depressed. I became more violent at home and had a lot of anxiety at school. I always had a boyfriend that I counted on to get me through the days. I had migraines, back pain and insomnia. I felt the need to always be busy. I worked 20 hours a week, went to school and played on three sports teams in grade 11. The conflict at home led me to move to my grandmother's house in grade 11 and for almost a year I had no conflict with my parents. I continued to do well in school but skipped class a lot. I couldn't bear to be there and had bad social anxiety. I had few friends and didn't like talking to people at all.
When I started university, I broke up with my boyfriend, started drinking 4-5 nights a week and becoming very social. I lost all of my friends that I had before. Within a few months I was very depressed again and spent most of my time in bed, skipping school. I continued to do well in school though. I started hearing voices then. I would hear my name whispered occasionally, or people chattering.
I started antidepressants a year later. I went through 11 of them in three months and went through major psychosis. I saw monsters who were looking at me through windows, tvs and computer screens. I wouldn't leave the house. I couldn't eat... lost about 40 lbs in three months. I continued to make As in school,although I rarely attended. I was hospitalized for three days when I thought the monsters were coming and wanted me to hang myself from an iv pole. I wasn't actually going to, but I guess doctors interpreted that as being suicidal.
I withdrew on my own from all of my medications. I have been coping with diet and exercise.
That is the extent of my past. Wondering if people had similar childhoods. Any reason I was only violent to my parents and sister? Why was I able to keep up in school? Do you think I had BP my whole life?
Sponsor
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 12:25 AM
I did not have a good childhood. I suffered 4 different kinds of trauma over the span of 18 years. However, I was considered gifted and loved school. If I could go back to those days, I would because it was a time when I actually felt normal in the true sense of the word. I also loved being challenged in my Honors classes as well as participating in a number of extra-curricular activities. It wasn't until 1991 when everything changed. I started hearing voices, became depressed and displaying signs of bipolar even though I wasn't officially diagnosed until 2006. From that point on, it has been an uphill battle that sometimes feels like I will never win. I keep fighting though because I refuse to let bipolar defeat me.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 01:01 AM
My childhood was overly traumatic, I was molested by my father starting at the age of 9 through 13 and then verbally so through 16. I also loved school it was the only "normal safe" atmosphere in my life, I liked being there so much that in my high school years I took classes in summer. I ended up graduating a year early with Honors and 4.49 G.P.A, and started college when I was 17. I'm pretty much old school and don't beleive that BiPolar can be diagnosed in Children. It's hard enough to diagnose it in adults. I was diagnosed BiPolar in 1990 after my first suicide attempt 3 weeks after the birth of my first son, as BP tends to be about 100 times worse when combined with post partum depression. 3 years ago my diagnoses was upgraded to BiPolar w/Severe Med Resistant Suicidal Depression, after 5 suicide attempts and there has been one more this past July. I had locked all of my childhood traumas away somewhere in my "mind" and didn't really remember the years 9-1, but a year and a half ago my "mind" unlocked itself and everything just came pouring out, since then I have been under the care of both a pdoc and tdoc and have been completely Med Compliant. I also have PTSD, OCD, and SH/SI for which I have been to Urgent Care for stitches 4 times since July. I currently take Lamictal, Abilify, Cymbalta, Buspar, Topamax, Trazadone, Vit. D, and Biotin to try and keep my Depression under control these work maybe 10% of the time. So there's the gist of my story. Do I think my childhood trauma's affected my BP? Not really as BP is a Brain Chemical Imbalance and not really Trauma induced. In my case it is a Genetic condition that has manifested itself in different conditions thoughout my maternal bloodline. Do I think my childhood trauma's were caused by the BP, ummm no since my father caused it. So hopefully I answered your question.
kat
kat
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 09:41 AM
Kat,
I also don't think my BP was caused by my traumas. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my father and emotionally abused by my mother. My life was also threatened when I was 9 years old. However, none of that has anything to do with bipolar although stress and trauma can definitely play a part in causing someone to experience a full-blown manic episode. Like you, I also have PTSD because of all the traumas I experienced. I've never tried to commit suicide (with the exception of my first manic/psychotic episode in which my voices tried to tell me to injest an entire bottle of Tylenol), but I do have problems with SH (as you know). I'm also under the care of a pdoc and tdoc. I've been in T since 1991 ever since I started hearing voices and displayed signs of bipolar. I've seen my tdoc for 1.5 years and my pdoc since December.
I also don't think my BP was caused by my traumas. I was sexually, physically and emotionally abused by my father and emotionally abused by my mother. My life was also threatened when I was 9 years old. However, none of that has anything to do with bipolar although stress and trauma can definitely play a part in causing someone to experience a full-blown manic episode. Like you, I also have PTSD because of all the traumas I experienced. I've never tried to commit suicide (with the exception of my first manic/psychotic episode in which my voices tried to tell me to injest an entire bottle of Tylenol), but I do have problems with SH (as you know). I'm also under the care of a pdoc and tdoc. I've been in T since 1991 ever since I started hearing voices and displayed signs of bipolar. I've seen my tdoc for 1.5 years and my pdoc since December.
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 09:45 AM
Kat,
Just curious...how were you able to receive a 4.49 GPA? Did you attend private schools? At all of the schools I attended (suburban public schools), the highest GPA a student could receive was a 4.0 even if they took AP classes. I took several AP classes during my junior and senior year in high school and did quite well in them, but my cumulative GPA never amounted to more than a 4.0.
Just curious...how were you able to receive a 4.49 GPA? Did you attend private schools? At all of the schools I attended (suburban public schools), the highest GPA a student could receive was a 4.0 even if they took AP classes. I took several AP classes during my junior and senior year in high school and did quite well in them, but my cumulative GPA never amounted to more than a 4.0.
court91
03-08-2009, 01:54 PM
Even though im 17 turning 18 in september i still had a horrible childhood, i was molested by my uncle when i was 8 or 9 and it happened about 3 or 4 times. i just recently told my mom about it when i started at my first tdoc which was 7 or 8 months ago. she was heart broken. i sucked at school and i dropped out when i turned 16 because i failed 10th grade and i couldnt deal with the stress and anxiety every day.
Ive always been scared of the dark and mirrors when its dark, i used to have a night light up until i was 15 and im afriad to sleep alone so i always sleep with my boyfriend. im so scared that something is gonna touch me when im laying in bed because when i was 14 i felt "something" grab my leg while i was laying in bed and i freaked out so i always sleep curled up now.
Ive had so many traumatic things happen its unbelievable. ive been heart broken so many times and stressed out. i would always get so stressed to the point that i felt like throwing up but i never did. last year i was an alcoholic i used to drink until i got drunk every single night and i tried to commit suicide 2 times, i have so many scars on my arms from burning myself with cigarettes and cutting.
I used to beat my sister up and i was violent towards animals :( i had the worst anger problems ever. the medicine that im on now is helping but not as i wish it would. i still have clouded thoughts but im not as violent. i really want to be put on abilify but im nervous to ask my pdoc.
Its weird that most of us have had traumatic things happen to us and we turned out the way we are, i wonder if bipolar disorder could be formed from traumatic experiences.
Ive always been scared of the dark and mirrors when its dark, i used to have a night light up until i was 15 and im afriad to sleep alone so i always sleep with my boyfriend. im so scared that something is gonna touch me when im laying in bed because when i was 14 i felt "something" grab my leg while i was laying in bed and i freaked out so i always sleep curled up now.
Ive had so many traumatic things happen its unbelievable. ive been heart broken so many times and stressed out. i would always get so stressed to the point that i felt like throwing up but i never did. last year i was an alcoholic i used to drink until i got drunk every single night and i tried to commit suicide 2 times, i have so many scars on my arms from burning myself with cigarettes and cutting.
I used to beat my sister up and i was violent towards animals :( i had the worst anger problems ever. the medicine that im on now is helping but not as i wish it would. i still have clouded thoughts but im not as violent. i really want to be put on abilify but im nervous to ask my pdoc.
Its weird that most of us have had traumatic things happen to us and we turned out the way we are, i wonder if bipolar disorder could be formed from traumatic experiences.
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 02:51 PM
I did some reading on the Internet and found several articles which support the fact that bipolar can be caused by trauma. They indicated that manic episodes are oftentimes precipitated by stressful events. They also stated that bipolar could be an emotional and behavioral response to early stressors similar to the way stressful events trigger physical illness.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 03:41 PM
Dreams,
I tood Honors classes from Jr. High on through H.S. Graducation, I was also in a Program called Project Gold where we did Community Service which we got extra credit for, on top of this my Jr. and Sr. year of High School I took college lever courses parallel with my High School Courses. When I started my first year of College I was already half way through. So all of it added to extra Credits and Grade Points. I was just one of those Geeks that did whatever I could to stay at school and away from school. I never go out of that mode, I have to Degrees and am a Certified Parallegal, and am thinking of going back for a third degree...I'm happiest when I'm learning knew things I guess.
My mother also caused me trauma, abusive physically and verbally. She knew what my father was doing the whole time and never tried to stop him or report him, she was such a great MOM!
kat
I tood Honors classes from Jr. High on through H.S. Graducation, I was also in a Program called Project Gold where we did Community Service which we got extra credit for, on top of this my Jr. and Sr. year of High School I took college lever courses parallel with my High School Courses. When I started my first year of College I was already half way through. So all of it added to extra Credits and Grade Points. I was just one of those Geeks that did whatever I could to stay at school and away from school. I never go out of that mode, I have to Degrees and am a Certified Parallegal, and am thinking of going back for a third degree...I'm happiest when I'm learning knew things I guess.
My mother also caused me trauma, abusive physically and verbally. She knew what my father was doing the whole time and never tried to stop him or report him, she was such a great MOM!
kat
Kapula
03-08-2009, 05:07 PM
As no one cares off with my posts.
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 05:57 PM
Thanks for the explanation, kat. I've never taken college prep courses unless you consider AP courses to be college prep. When I was tested during my freshman year of college, I scored at least 3 years above grade level in every subject. My writing was equal to that of a college graduate. I only have 2 more courses to take before earning my Bachelor's in social work. From there, I plan to earn a Master's in psychology and a Ph.D. in psychiatry. However, I have no idea when that will be until I can get my bipolar under control. Right now I just don't have the energy, attentiveness or motivation to be in a 3 hour lecture.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 06:29 PM
I hear you dreams, that's whats keeping me from going back to get my C.P.A. License, I'm just not at a place where I can manage the dicsipline and "want to" to dedicate myself to get there.
My current 2 degrees are in Computer Science, and Financial Accounting. But the C.P.A. Licensure would bump my salary range up from 65k to closer to 3 digits.
My Junion year High School English course was created explecitely for 8 of us who had finished our required credits by that time, it was a combination of Comp and Retoric and British Lit, it was great since there were only 8 of us, we pretty much got to pick the curriculum, it was all writing, thesis papers, and Shakespeare, I loved it.
kat
My current 2 degrees are in Computer Science, and Financial Accounting. But the C.P.A. Licensure would bump my salary range up from 65k to closer to 3 digits.
My Junion year High School English course was created explecitely for 8 of us who had finished our required credits by that time, it was a combination of Comp and Retoric and British Lit, it was great since there were only 8 of us, we pretty much got to pick the curriculum, it was all writing, thesis papers, and Shakespeare, I loved it.
kat
katlin09
03-08-2009, 06:48 PM
Kalua,
My pdoc and tdoc both have the same theory regarding BiPolar and PTSD regarding childhood. Most of us just aren't strong enough as children to fight the adults who abuse us and let us down and we don't have any other adults to take care of us. So we tend to develop a coping skill that is not what we should've learned from the adults in our lives and we just keep burrying ourselves into that place where we can't get out of. We stay depressed and scared and angry, which mirrors depression in bipolar states. My coping method was SH/SI. Each child can have a different method, it's something that helps us deal with our trauma's, or makes us thing that we are dealing with them. As we grow our BiPolar develops into a legible experience and we take those "learned" bad coping skills with us and apply them to handling the BiPolar. All of the mental disorders in our lives tend to be tied together which is usually not a good thing. BiPolar is always there with us as it is a Chemical Imbalance, but it doesn't "come" out until we are young adults for the most part. The PTSD of childhood can help it appear.
Hope this makes some sense to you.
kat
My pdoc and tdoc both have the same theory regarding BiPolar and PTSD regarding childhood. Most of us just aren't strong enough as children to fight the adults who abuse us and let us down and we don't have any other adults to take care of us. So we tend to develop a coping skill that is not what we should've learned from the adults in our lives and we just keep burrying ourselves into that place where we can't get out of. We stay depressed and scared and angry, which mirrors depression in bipolar states. My coping method was SH/SI. Each child can have a different method, it's something that helps us deal with our trauma's, or makes us thing that we are dealing with them. As we grow our BiPolar develops into a legible experience and we take those "learned" bad coping skills with us and apply them to handling the BiPolar. All of the mental disorders in our lives tend to be tied together which is usually not a good thing. BiPolar is always there with us as it is a Chemical Imbalance, but it doesn't "come" out until we are young adults for the most part. The PTSD of childhood can help it appear.
Hope this makes some sense to you.
kat
dreams in neon
03-08-2009, 08:36 PM
Kat,
I can't help but feel so upset about all of the things bipolar has taken away from me. I used to LOVE school. I put everything I had into it, but I just can't do it anymore. I can't focus long enough and find that as time passes during a 3 hour lecture, the more agitated I become because the professor's voice grates on my nerves. I love to learn, but since I no longer have the patience to sit in a classroom, I prefer to read books or the Internet. Everyone keeps telling me to press on and not to quit. What they don't understand though is how much bipolar affects my study habits, my attention span and ability to complete assignments. If truth be told, I miss the old me -- the me who used to love school and would soak up everything I learned in the classroom.
I can't help but feel so upset about all of the things bipolar has taken away from me. I used to LOVE school. I put everything I had into it, but I just can't do it anymore. I can't focus long enough and find that as time passes during a 3 hour lecture, the more agitated I become because the professor's voice grates on my nerves. I love to learn, but since I no longer have the patience to sit in a classroom, I prefer to read books or the Internet. Everyone keeps telling me to press on and not to quit. What they don't understand though is how much bipolar affects my study habits, my attention span and ability to complete assignments. If truth be told, I miss the old me -- the me who used to love school and would soak up everything I learned in the classroom.
katlin09
03-08-2009, 09:17 PM
Dreams,
Most of my basic classes I can take on the Internet so I don't have those problems, for me it's kind of the opposite....I just get to "down" to make it to class, to depressed to even get in the car and drive to class. That way I don't have to deal with all the other people and professors. Have you checked into this, because it allows you to go at your own pace somewhat...
Right now still reeling from lack of a job, I don't have much interest in anything. I added up my "mental" expenses yesterday and without insurance they're $2,831.00 with cobraing my insurance they're $1,490.00 and that's with the cost of the insurance. The meds alone are $507 vs. $1,921.00. I don't know how people without insurance do it, it's just insane!
So trying to get all my ducks in a row is taking it's toll these days but I'm trying to keep it all going, we'll see.
Kat
Most of my basic classes I can take on the Internet so I don't have those problems, for me it's kind of the opposite....I just get to "down" to make it to class, to depressed to even get in the car and drive to class. That way I don't have to deal with all the other people and professors. Have you checked into this, because it allows you to go at your own pace somewhat...
Right now still reeling from lack of a job, I don't have much interest in anything. I added up my "mental" expenses yesterday and without insurance they're $2,831.00 with cobraing my insurance they're $1,490.00 and that's with the cost of the insurance. The meds alone are $507 vs. $1,921.00. I don't know how people without insurance do it, it's just insane!
So trying to get all my ducks in a row is taking it's toll these days but I'm trying to keep it all going, we'll see.
Kat
seaturtle
03-09-2009, 02:16 AM
neondreams,
I know exactly what you mean. I have had to drop out of 3 different schools, been unable work, lost relationships.
I talk to my t about this. She says I have to mourn, go through those stages of anger, mourning, etc. She's right, and you've every right and are quite normal to be feeling the way you do.
We do go through great loss when we lose "that person" we were. I can get a good case of If Only.
Allow yourself your feelings, they are appropriate and actually necessary for us to feel that way. I think they're part of acceptance (boy, do I dislike that word.
Seaturtle
I know exactly what you mean. I have had to drop out of 3 different schools, been unable work, lost relationships.
I talk to my t about this. She says I have to mourn, go through those stages of anger, mourning, etc. She's right, and you've every right and are quite normal to be feeling the way you do.
We do go through great loss when we lose "that person" we were. I can get a good case of If Only.
Allow yourself your feelings, they are appropriate and actually necessary for us to feel that way. I think they're part of acceptance (boy, do I dislike that word.
Seaturtle
dreams in neon
03-09-2009, 05:43 AM
Kat and Seaturtle,
Kat, I can't take classes on the Internet because I don't have the concentration or patience to. Besides, I struggle too much with rapid cycling, mania and racing thoughts. Once my rapid cycling is under better control, I'll investigate the possibility of taking online courses.
Seaturtle, I'm glad someone else understands how I feel. I'm still depressed right now. I went to bed a few hours ago, but woke up and can't sleep. I don't want to take a higher PRN dosage of my Trazodone for fear of not being able to wake up on time for my pdoc appointment. Oh well. I guess by the way things have been lately, this is the norm for me.
Kat, I can't take classes on the Internet because I don't have the concentration or patience to. Besides, I struggle too much with rapid cycling, mania and racing thoughts. Once my rapid cycling is under better control, I'll investigate the possibility of taking online courses.
Seaturtle, I'm glad someone else understands how I feel. I'm still depressed right now. I went to bed a few hours ago, but woke up and can't sleep. I don't want to take a higher PRN dosage of my Trazodone for fear of not being able to wake up on time for my pdoc appointment. Oh well. I guess by the way things have been lately, this is the norm for me.
mowgli
03-09-2009, 08:25 AM
I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow and this was going to be some of what I wanted to speak with him about as i have the same question.
Looking back I can see that my father more than likely had BP. He was legally blind from the age of 18. He lost the apprenticeship he had, and was given a job with the public service. Although he made the best of things, he represented the state in the blind cricket team, played lawn and indoor bowls, was active in running many clubs and societies- including being the best and most intuitive dog trainer I have ever known; he had a million projects started and never finished- from cars that broke down and he couldn't fix, but wouldn't take to someone else, to a the building of a room, that until the day he died nearly thirty years later was never finished. He would get the oddest ideas in his head- I remember so many times myself, or one of my sisters getting in such trouble over something he was convinced we had done or said, and not even my mother could convince him otherwise. We never knew what sort of mood he was going to be in. My mothers terminology for his moodiness was him having S.O.L (**** on the liver). At some point however he stopped really being a part of the family and started being the grumpy old alcoholic that my mum took care of, it seemed he was trying to keep his distance from us, and we of him. There were times he would be his old self, but they got fewer and further apart, and he died about 5 years ago from a series of mini strokes caused by too much drink and too many cigarettes.
These days I am more philosophical about it, but there were many times when he would doze off in his arm chair after having a few. Nearly every night in fact. The problem being when he woke up. He would be grouchy, and start picking, he would insist that someone had said or done something they hadn't. It was a catch 22, if you stood up for yourself you coped it, but if you didn't you would cope it for what you didn't do, or if someone else stood up for you they coped it. He would throw shoes, clip us up the ears, knock our heads together... and mostly verbally insult us; telling us we were no good and useless. He would say "You're good for nothing- what are you? Good for nothing?" over and over. He used to get stuck into my Mum too- verbally- mostly because she would try to stop him and stick up for us. He did hit her once, but that was it. I remember once my parents bought us new drawers each- we weren't well off so they must have saved for a while, and I broke mine, I didn't mean to, but my Dad got so angry, he yelled and yelled, i got a couple of clips up the ear- one so bad I couldn't hear out of it properly for weeks. He did the what are you thing for a while- and then he told me that I was so bad that no-one wanted me and that I would have to go and live in a home for bad children (this scared me- we had been to one of these homes when my parents had done some volunteer work). He made me go and pack my bags, he never told me I wasn't going, it was just something that became evident over time. It was horrible thinking that I was so bad that even my parents didn't want me, especially thinking that an ugly chest of drawers was more important than me. It was a major point in my life.
Then there was school. Everything was fun until grade three (there was one small incident in prep when I whopped a kid for whopping me first, and I got the worst advice of my life-don't retaliate- which I took to mean don't stand up for yourself), when my best friends' parents got divorced and she changed schools. By grade 3 everyone pretty muchly had paired off, so making a new bestie just never happened. I was painfully shy- I don't remember a time when I wasn't, and the older i got the worse it got. I was also highly emotional- I would cry at the drop of a hat, and kids being the cruel little creatures they can be picked up on it. They would tease me over anything and everything. I spent most recess and break times crying. When I did work up the courage to tell my parents, I would get told- just ignore them they will stop- but they didn't, and when my parents tried to talk to the teachers they were told it was because I had "middle child syndrome"- whatever that is. It got to the point I would get anxious about going to school and at school- but being so young I didn't really know what it was and thought i was having premonitions that some thing bad was going to happen- which was pretty true really. I also used to do some pretty weird things involving the touching of my teeth in certain orders and pinching my lips into certain shapes, I also used to tear chunks out of the insides of my mouth and until recently was a chronic nailbiter. I also had a horrific temper and used bash my younger sister, and break things, but quite often would not remember what I had done when I calmed down.
By the time I got to the last year of primary school I could turn the tears on and off at will, in order to get out of certain things. However the emotions were really taking on a life of their own. Just this year I with the things that have happened to me I have realised that I had anxiety, depression, disassociation, and even times of hypomania occur from about the age of 10
The thing is though I was probably about the smartest kid in my grade- it was just never recognised. When I went to high school I was in all the top classes, but didn't have the capacity to apply myself to the tasks required to pass, both because I had not learned these things in primary school (through missing important things from being too upset and they just hadn't taught us the skills we were going to need), and because at the age of 11, I was a good 2 years younger than most of the other students; so although (and because) I was going through puberty as you are supposed to in high school, and because of my age and all the other bits and pieces of the puzzle- I just didn't cope. I was drinking, smoking, and had lost my virginity to a 19 year old by the age of 14.
When I got to grade 11, I rebelled hard, I ran away from home twice, and didn't even try to learn anything- I was there for the social stuff. I met my ex-husband and the father of my two oldest children there- he was not someone that should have been more than a passing boyfriend, but my Dad didn't like him- i moved in with im at 17, was married at 19 and pregnant a few months later.
So my theory is that BP has it's genetic basis, but that the patterns of thought, and the patterns of emotion that are the foundation stone of BP (especially the rapid cycling of happiness, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, belligerence, acceptance, happiness etc. that I do) has been so long ingrained in my thought processes and behaviours that no amount of drugs is ever going to stop it completely, and it's going to be a hard slog to retrain myself. But I will give it a go- you never know your luck.
Looking back I can see that my father more than likely had BP. He was legally blind from the age of 18. He lost the apprenticeship he had, and was given a job with the public service. Although he made the best of things, he represented the state in the blind cricket team, played lawn and indoor bowls, was active in running many clubs and societies- including being the best and most intuitive dog trainer I have ever known; he had a million projects started and never finished- from cars that broke down and he couldn't fix, but wouldn't take to someone else, to a the building of a room, that until the day he died nearly thirty years later was never finished. He would get the oddest ideas in his head- I remember so many times myself, or one of my sisters getting in such trouble over something he was convinced we had done or said, and not even my mother could convince him otherwise. We never knew what sort of mood he was going to be in. My mothers terminology for his moodiness was him having S.O.L (**** on the liver). At some point however he stopped really being a part of the family and started being the grumpy old alcoholic that my mum took care of, it seemed he was trying to keep his distance from us, and we of him. There were times he would be his old self, but they got fewer and further apart, and he died about 5 years ago from a series of mini strokes caused by too much drink and too many cigarettes.
These days I am more philosophical about it, but there were many times when he would doze off in his arm chair after having a few. Nearly every night in fact. The problem being when he woke up. He would be grouchy, and start picking, he would insist that someone had said or done something they hadn't. It was a catch 22, if you stood up for yourself you coped it, but if you didn't you would cope it for what you didn't do, or if someone else stood up for you they coped it. He would throw shoes, clip us up the ears, knock our heads together... and mostly verbally insult us; telling us we were no good and useless. He would say "You're good for nothing- what are you? Good for nothing?" over and over. He used to get stuck into my Mum too- verbally- mostly because she would try to stop him and stick up for us. He did hit her once, but that was it. I remember once my parents bought us new drawers each- we weren't well off so they must have saved for a while, and I broke mine, I didn't mean to, but my Dad got so angry, he yelled and yelled, i got a couple of clips up the ear- one so bad I couldn't hear out of it properly for weeks. He did the what are you thing for a while- and then he told me that I was so bad that no-one wanted me and that I would have to go and live in a home for bad children (this scared me- we had been to one of these homes when my parents had done some volunteer work). He made me go and pack my bags, he never told me I wasn't going, it was just something that became evident over time. It was horrible thinking that I was so bad that even my parents didn't want me, especially thinking that an ugly chest of drawers was more important than me. It was a major point in my life.
Then there was school. Everything was fun until grade three (there was one small incident in prep when I whopped a kid for whopping me first, and I got the worst advice of my life-don't retaliate- which I took to mean don't stand up for yourself), when my best friends' parents got divorced and she changed schools. By grade 3 everyone pretty muchly had paired off, so making a new bestie just never happened. I was painfully shy- I don't remember a time when I wasn't, and the older i got the worse it got. I was also highly emotional- I would cry at the drop of a hat, and kids being the cruel little creatures they can be picked up on it. They would tease me over anything and everything. I spent most recess and break times crying. When I did work up the courage to tell my parents, I would get told- just ignore them they will stop- but they didn't, and when my parents tried to talk to the teachers they were told it was because I had "middle child syndrome"- whatever that is. It got to the point I would get anxious about going to school and at school- but being so young I didn't really know what it was and thought i was having premonitions that some thing bad was going to happen- which was pretty true really. I also used to do some pretty weird things involving the touching of my teeth in certain orders and pinching my lips into certain shapes, I also used to tear chunks out of the insides of my mouth and until recently was a chronic nailbiter. I also had a horrific temper and used bash my younger sister, and break things, but quite often would not remember what I had done when I calmed down.
By the time I got to the last year of primary school I could turn the tears on and off at will, in order to get out of certain things. However the emotions were really taking on a life of their own. Just this year I with the things that have happened to me I have realised that I had anxiety, depression, disassociation, and even times of hypomania occur from about the age of 10
The thing is though I was probably about the smartest kid in my grade- it was just never recognised. When I went to high school I was in all the top classes, but didn't have the capacity to apply myself to the tasks required to pass, both because I had not learned these things in primary school (through missing important things from being too upset and they just hadn't taught us the skills we were going to need), and because at the age of 11, I was a good 2 years younger than most of the other students; so although (and because) I was going through puberty as you are supposed to in high school, and because of my age and all the other bits and pieces of the puzzle- I just didn't cope. I was drinking, smoking, and had lost my virginity to a 19 year old by the age of 14.
When I got to grade 11, I rebelled hard, I ran away from home twice, and didn't even try to learn anything- I was there for the social stuff. I met my ex-husband and the father of my two oldest children there- he was not someone that should have been more than a passing boyfriend, but my Dad didn't like him- i moved in with im at 17, was married at 19 and pregnant a few months later.
So my theory is that BP has it's genetic basis, but that the patterns of thought, and the patterns of emotion that are the foundation stone of BP (especially the rapid cycling of happiness, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, belligerence, acceptance, happiness etc. that I do) has been so long ingrained in my thought processes and behaviours that no amount of drugs is ever going to stop it completely, and it's going to be a hard slog to retrain myself. But I will give it a go- you never know your luck.
Bunnylover
03-09-2009, 11:36 AM
Unhappy, at least as I remember it.
My mother, who may be undiagnosed bipolar, flew into violent rages several times a week--they would last for hours and involved physical abuse (only of me) and verbal abuse of all of us. My father would come home and blame us, primarily me (I'm the oldest of 4) for making her upset. My pdoc thinks this is why I'm so anxious and conflict makes me so upset, because I learned early on if I managed my mom I could avoid her going crazy (it didn't really work, but tell a 2-3 year old that.) She would also get very depressed and lean on me emotionally in a way that I've since learned isn't healthy to do with a kid.
When I was 18 she finally got treatment for her migraines--depakote among other drugs, and it was like a switch was flipped, the anger and the violence completely stopped. My parents always blame her headaches, it wasn't until I started giving pdoc my history that I realized that migraines don't cause that kind of behavior.
My father was very authoritarian and the church we belonged to reinforced that patriarchical view, as well as the belief that mental illness was the result of sin, and that seeking professional help was wrong.
My parents and I have made a lot of progress during the past few years on rebuilding a healthier relationship--we really started after I finally told my father that he was not going to speak to me that way any longer, and that he was no longer welcome in my home if he wasn't going to treat me with respect. I'm happy we have a better relationship now, but I wish things had been different.
I also think the severe depression during my teenage years colors my memories backwards, if that makes sense.
A hypomanic episode when I was sixteen kicked off a four year struggle with anoxeria, which no one noticed. I weighed way too little to be safe, but no one would ever say the obvious, which was that something was really wrong. I think I chose to become anorexic as a way of managing the pain of depression, sort of another form of self-harm I guess--that sounds weird, but that's still what it feels like.
My mother, who may be undiagnosed bipolar, flew into violent rages several times a week--they would last for hours and involved physical abuse (only of me) and verbal abuse of all of us. My father would come home and blame us, primarily me (I'm the oldest of 4) for making her upset. My pdoc thinks this is why I'm so anxious and conflict makes me so upset, because I learned early on if I managed my mom I could avoid her going crazy (it didn't really work, but tell a 2-3 year old that.) She would also get very depressed and lean on me emotionally in a way that I've since learned isn't healthy to do with a kid.
When I was 18 she finally got treatment for her migraines--depakote among other drugs, and it was like a switch was flipped, the anger and the violence completely stopped. My parents always blame her headaches, it wasn't until I started giving pdoc my history that I realized that migraines don't cause that kind of behavior.
My father was very authoritarian and the church we belonged to reinforced that patriarchical view, as well as the belief that mental illness was the result of sin, and that seeking professional help was wrong.
My parents and I have made a lot of progress during the past few years on rebuilding a healthier relationship--we really started after I finally told my father that he was not going to speak to me that way any longer, and that he was no longer welcome in my home if he wasn't going to treat me with respect. I'm happy we have a better relationship now, but I wish things had been different.
I also think the severe depression during my teenage years colors my memories backwards, if that makes sense.
A hypomanic episode when I was sixteen kicked off a four year struggle with anoxeria, which no one noticed. I weighed way too little to be safe, but no one would ever say the obvious, which was that something was really wrong. I think I chose to become anorexic as a way of managing the pain of depression, sort of another form of self-harm I guess--that sounds weird, but that's still what it feels like.
irishwriter
03-10-2009, 06:01 AM
Unhappy, at least as I remember it.
My mother, who may be undiagnosed bipolar, flew into violent rages several times a week--they would last for hours and involved physical abuse (only of me) and verbal abuse of all of us. My father would come home and blame us, primarily me (I'm the oldest of 4) for making her upset. My pdoc thinks this is why I'm so anxious and conflict makes me so upset, because I learned early on if I managed my mom I could avoid her going crazy (it didn't really work, but tell a 2-3 year old that.) She would also get very depressed and lean on me emotionally in a way that I've since learned isn't healthy to do with a kid.
When I was 18 she finally got treatment for her migraines--depakote among other drugs, and it was like a switch was flipped, the anger and the violence completely stopped. My parents always blame her headaches, it wasn't until I started giving pdoc my history that I realized that migraines don't cause that kind of behavior.
My father was very authoritarian and the church we belonged to reinforced that patriarchical view, as well as the belief that mental illness was the result of sin, and that seeking professional help was wrong.
My parents and I have made a lot of progress during the past few years on rebuilding a healthier relationship--we really started after I finally told my father that he was not going to speak to me that way any longer, and that he was no longer welcome in my home if he wasn't going to treat me with respect. I'm happy we have a better relationship now, but I wish things had been different.
I also think the severe depression during my teenage years colors my memories backwards, if that makes sense.
A hypomanic episode when I was sixteen kicked off a four year struggle with anoxeria, which no one noticed. I weighed way too little to be safe, but no one would ever say the obvious, which was that something was really wrong. I think I chose to become anorexic as a way of managing the pain of depression, sort of another form of self-harm I guess--that sounds weird, but that's still what it feels like.
hi
yes, abusive, violent father and i think depressed mother. so bp for him undxd and depression for her undxd! then of course i married a verbally and sexually abusive man and also developed anorexia and bp wrongly dxd at the time as clinical depression. was about two stone underweight and psychiatrist i saw at the time was exremely obese and had the gall to talk to me about an eating disorder. yes i also think it is sh. 'they f**k you up' is an excellent book to read you can find it online or in book store i think. my parents are 78 and 79 now and we all look at these two old people and wonder who they are!!! my father still tends to be v. authoritarian and my mother continues to be depressed. what hope had we! am from family of twelve and like you only some of us got the violence but it still harmed the rest of them. i have one sister who was beaten only once and she never stepped out of line again and married a man who is v. like my father.
My mother, who may be undiagnosed bipolar, flew into violent rages several times a week--they would last for hours and involved physical abuse (only of me) and verbal abuse of all of us. My father would come home and blame us, primarily me (I'm the oldest of 4) for making her upset. My pdoc thinks this is why I'm so anxious and conflict makes me so upset, because I learned early on if I managed my mom I could avoid her going crazy (it didn't really work, but tell a 2-3 year old that.) She would also get very depressed and lean on me emotionally in a way that I've since learned isn't healthy to do with a kid.
When I was 18 she finally got treatment for her migraines--depakote among other drugs, and it was like a switch was flipped, the anger and the violence completely stopped. My parents always blame her headaches, it wasn't until I started giving pdoc my history that I realized that migraines don't cause that kind of behavior.
My father was very authoritarian and the church we belonged to reinforced that patriarchical view, as well as the belief that mental illness was the result of sin, and that seeking professional help was wrong.
My parents and I have made a lot of progress during the past few years on rebuilding a healthier relationship--we really started after I finally told my father that he was not going to speak to me that way any longer, and that he was no longer welcome in my home if he wasn't going to treat me with respect. I'm happy we have a better relationship now, but I wish things had been different.
I also think the severe depression during my teenage years colors my memories backwards, if that makes sense.
A hypomanic episode when I was sixteen kicked off a four year struggle with anoxeria, which no one noticed. I weighed way too little to be safe, but no one would ever say the obvious, which was that something was really wrong. I think I chose to become anorexic as a way of managing the pain of depression, sort of another form of self-harm I guess--that sounds weird, but that's still what it feels like.
hi
yes, abusive, violent father and i think depressed mother. so bp for him undxd and depression for her undxd! then of course i married a verbally and sexually abusive man and also developed anorexia and bp wrongly dxd at the time as clinical depression. was about two stone underweight and psychiatrist i saw at the time was exremely obese and had the gall to talk to me about an eating disorder. yes i also think it is sh. 'they f**k you up' is an excellent book to read you can find it online or in book store i think. my parents are 78 and 79 now and we all look at these two old people and wonder who they are!!! my father still tends to be v. authoritarian and my mother continues to be depressed. what hope had we! am from family of twelve and like you only some of us got the violence but it still harmed the rest of them. i have one sister who was beaten only once and she never stepped out of line again and married a man who is v. like my father.
Glorija
03-14-2009, 08:07 PM
Hi!
I'm new on this forum and thought maybe this is a good topic to start with. I read your posts and also some other topics. This is a tough period for me, just one in the series of the same during past...I don't know...10 years?
It helps knowing there are people with the same issues and reading about how you all cope and deal with it.
Ok, childhood...
It was pretty hard for me, although my brother that's just a year younger doesn't seem affected by the things that happened the way I am.
We were both physically and emotionally abused by our alcoholic and in other ways disturbed father (maybe borderline). About my mother I don't know what to say.
I know we were kind of a big family where everyone of the wider members was involved in our upbringing, aunts and grandparents, everyone with his or her own expectations.
Considered a very gifted child and student, always had straight As but developed kind of perfectionism witch led to anorexia and often nervous breakdowns ( caused by to much stress) at age of 16.
I started to see psychologist and psychiatrist, all of the family pathology put on my back.
At the age of 18 I started to take antidepressants. This was my first year of college. I remember not wanting anything to do with my parents, even lived on a state scholarship in a student dorm for 4 years and then started to work.
I don't know, I believe family situation has affected me in some way. I strongly believe that a healthier environment at younger age would made me use healthier defense mechanisms and at least make me deal with my problem better, accept it maybe as something that wasn't my fault.
Diagnosed with BAD, today I feel like I'm nowhere, I can't accept that I'm sick, although on medications and some kind of a therapy, I expect more of myself, I feel Like I did nothing so far with my life, and many would agree that's actually true, haven't finished my studies, haven't got a real job, don't have a family of my own. Don't have anything to give me strength to carry on at this moment.
But that would go to another topic.
I'm new on this forum and thought maybe this is a good topic to start with. I read your posts and also some other topics. This is a tough period for me, just one in the series of the same during past...I don't know...10 years?
It helps knowing there are people with the same issues and reading about how you all cope and deal with it.
Ok, childhood...
It was pretty hard for me, although my brother that's just a year younger doesn't seem affected by the things that happened the way I am.
We were both physically and emotionally abused by our alcoholic and in other ways disturbed father (maybe borderline). About my mother I don't know what to say.
I know we were kind of a big family where everyone of the wider members was involved in our upbringing, aunts and grandparents, everyone with his or her own expectations.
Considered a very gifted child and student, always had straight As but developed kind of perfectionism witch led to anorexia and often nervous breakdowns ( caused by to much stress) at age of 16.
I started to see psychologist and psychiatrist, all of the family pathology put on my back.
At the age of 18 I started to take antidepressants. This was my first year of college. I remember not wanting anything to do with my parents, even lived on a state scholarship in a student dorm for 4 years and then started to work.
I don't know, I believe family situation has affected me in some way. I strongly believe that a healthier environment at younger age would made me use healthier defense mechanisms and at least make me deal with my problem better, accept it maybe as something that wasn't my fault.
Diagnosed with BAD, today I feel like I'm nowhere, I can't accept that I'm sick, although on medications and some kind of a therapy, I expect more of myself, I feel Like I did nothing so far with my life, and many would agree that's actually true, haven't finished my studies, haven't got a real job, don't have a family of my own. Don't have anything to give me strength to carry on at this moment.
But that would go to another topic.
irishwriter
03-15-2009, 06:34 AM
Hi!
I'm new on this forum and thought maybe this is a good topic to start with. I read your posts and also some other topics. This is a tough period for me, just one in the series of the same during past...I don't know...10 years?
It helps knowing there are people with the same issues and reading about how you all cope and deal with it.
Ok, childhood...
It was pretty hard for me, although my brother that's just a year younger doesn't seem affected by the things that happened the way I am.
We were both physically and emotionally abused by our alcoholic and in other ways disturbed father (maybe borderline). About my mother I don't know what to say.
I know we were kind of a big family where everyone of the wider members was involved in our upbringing, aunts and grandparents, everyone with his or her own expectations.
Considered a very gifted child and student, always had straight As but developed kind of perfectionism witch led to anorexia and often nervous breakdowns ( caused by to much stress) at age of 16.
I started to see psychologist and psychiatrist, all of the family pathology put on my back.
At the age of 18 I started to take antidepressants. This was my first year of college. I remember not wanting anything to do with my parents, even lived on a state scholarship in a student dorm for 4 years and then started to work.
I don't know, I believe family situation has affected me in some way. I strongly believe that a healthier environment at younger age would made me use healthier defense mechanisms and at least make me deal with my problem better, accept it maybe as something that wasn't my fault.
Diagnosed with BAD, today I feel like I'm nowhere, I can't accept that I'm sick, although on medications and some kind of a therapy, I expect more of myself, I feel Like I did nothing so far with my life, and many would agree that's actually true, haven't finished my studies, haven't got a real job, don't have a family of my own. Don't have anything to give me strength to carry on at this moment.
But that would go to another topic.
hi and welcome,
strangely i am sure most of us also deal with low self esteem along with being bp, sh whatever else is in the pot! yes it has been studied and a bad childhood has been proven to trigger the genetic propensity to this disease. please don't feel bad about your life, most of us are in the same boat. you can try and realise that this is a seriously debilitating disease like any other and as i have said before if you had a medical problem with a disease you wouldn't feel bad about it. plenty of support and strength lent here if you need it. talk about whatever is on your mind and someone will relate!
ttys
iw:)
I'm new on this forum and thought maybe this is a good topic to start with. I read your posts and also some other topics. This is a tough period for me, just one in the series of the same during past...I don't know...10 years?
It helps knowing there are people with the same issues and reading about how you all cope and deal with it.
Ok, childhood...
It was pretty hard for me, although my brother that's just a year younger doesn't seem affected by the things that happened the way I am.
We were both physically and emotionally abused by our alcoholic and in other ways disturbed father (maybe borderline). About my mother I don't know what to say.
I know we were kind of a big family where everyone of the wider members was involved in our upbringing, aunts and grandparents, everyone with his or her own expectations.
Considered a very gifted child and student, always had straight As but developed kind of perfectionism witch led to anorexia and often nervous breakdowns ( caused by to much stress) at age of 16.
I started to see psychologist and psychiatrist, all of the family pathology put on my back.
At the age of 18 I started to take antidepressants. This was my first year of college. I remember not wanting anything to do with my parents, even lived on a state scholarship in a student dorm for 4 years and then started to work.
I don't know, I believe family situation has affected me in some way. I strongly believe that a healthier environment at younger age would made me use healthier defense mechanisms and at least make me deal with my problem better, accept it maybe as something that wasn't my fault.
Diagnosed with BAD, today I feel like I'm nowhere, I can't accept that I'm sick, although on medications and some kind of a therapy, I expect more of myself, I feel Like I did nothing so far with my life, and many would agree that's actually true, haven't finished my studies, haven't got a real job, don't have a family of my own. Don't have anything to give me strength to carry on at this moment.
But that would go to another topic.
hi and welcome,
strangely i am sure most of us also deal with low self esteem along with being bp, sh whatever else is in the pot! yes it has been studied and a bad childhood has been proven to trigger the genetic propensity to this disease. please don't feel bad about your life, most of us are in the same boat. you can try and realise that this is a seriously debilitating disease like any other and as i have said before if you had a medical problem with a disease you wouldn't feel bad about it. plenty of support and strength lent here if you need it. talk about whatever is on your mind and someone will relate!
ttys
iw:)
Kapula
03-15-2009, 04:53 PM
I did it again