Hamilton92
03-24-2009, 09:34 AM
I don't know what to do about my son, his temper is getting so bad.
He is 14 almost 15 years old. He throws temper tantrums worse than a 2 year old and sometimes punches himself in the face when he gets really mad. He doesn't listen to me or my husband when we try to discipline him, he thinks we are just his enemy and hate him.
This morning on the way to school he asked me for a note excusing him from working out in athletics class today. I have to say that he is very lazy and has become overweight and we are trying to motivate him to lose weight. He makes up excuses why he can't participate in athletics and when I told him I wasn't going to write him a note he flipped out in front of the school started screaming at me and hitting the dashboard of the car. This was right in front of the school where kids and a teacher was outside so I'm sure they heard it all. I am worried now what they must have been thinking. I was so frustrated and embarrassed I gave in and wrote his note and told him now get out of the car and go in. I know that was wrong giving in to him but I didn't know what else to do.
He has been diagnosed in the past with bipolar disorder and he has ADHD. His weight problem has caused him severe self confidence problems. I always try to get him to dress nice and fix his hair nice, but I know kids pick on him and call him names because of his weight too. I am awaiting his insurance to kick in so I can get him back on meds. In the meantime please I'd like some advice on what to do. Thanks!
He is 14 almost 15 years old. He throws temper tantrums worse than a 2 year old and sometimes punches himself in the face when he gets really mad. He doesn't listen to me or my husband when we try to discipline him, he thinks we are just his enemy and hate him.
This morning on the way to school he asked me for a note excusing him from working out in athletics class today. I have to say that he is very lazy and has become overweight and we are trying to motivate him to lose weight. He makes up excuses why he can't participate in athletics and when I told him I wasn't going to write him a note he flipped out in front of the school started screaming at me and hitting the dashboard of the car. This was right in front of the school where kids and a teacher was outside so I'm sure they heard it all. I am worried now what they must have been thinking. I was so frustrated and embarrassed I gave in and wrote his note and told him now get out of the car and go in. I know that was wrong giving in to him but I didn't know what else to do.
He has been diagnosed in the past with bipolar disorder and he has ADHD. His weight problem has caused him severe self confidence problems. I always try to get him to dress nice and fix his hair nice, but I know kids pick on him and call him names because of his weight too. I am awaiting his insurance to kick in so I can get him back on meds. In the meantime please I'd like some advice on what to do. Thanks!
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gardenandcats
03-25-2009, 01:29 AM
The first thing is to get him on the correct meds for his bipolar anger and rages are the norm for untreated bipolar.. If you can not afford them, many drug companies will provide them free.Just do a search for patient assistance program from the drug company that makes the meds he needs,,,
This is the probable cause of the rages untreated bipolar is no fun for him or your family
This is the probable cause of the rages untreated bipolar is no fun for him or your family
pendulum
03-27-2009, 04:13 PM
This is a very complex problem, and you might need the advice from an expert.
Anyway, here's my take...
I am not sure if, in this case, spiritual possession is something to be taken into consideration, probably not, but my impression is that your son could be unconsciously taking the place of someone else in the family and expressing this through inadequate behaviour. Did someone in your family die in the last fifteen years who was very important for him?
For all practical purposes, he is simply acting like a "spoilt child", although, as you yourself have observed, he is a bit too old for throwing these tantrums.
If anything, he needs a very gentle and gradual treatment. His medication could be useful, but isn't medication basically intended to treat the symptoms while not addressing the causes?
It would help if you found out what physical activity he enjoys doing. The range is so wide - from shooting to yoga- that it is virtually impossible for him not to be able to pick something of his taste. Physical activity is very important for him, and this could also include some artistic activity: drawing, music, theatre, whatever.
Be firm with him. "You will only have this (a computer, his favourite food, etc) if you do that." It's a trade-off.
His relationship with his father must be reinforced at this point. A boy must go out with his dad, must do things together with him, he must enter the masculine world if possible led by his father. A boy must have his "freedom" from his mom, if you see what I mean, otherwise he will have difficulty to grow into a healthy man. Please ask your husband to spend some time with his son. Maybe he is just needing a bit of time with his dad. Just a bit, but it must be regular.
If your son is an intellectual type, he might feel attracted to Oriental techniques - tai chi, martial arts, for instance - because these practices are not purely physical. They are also based on your mind.
There are many choices out there. You and your husband could also join one of them, and this would perhaps serve as encouragement for the boy.
If he stays stubborn and refuses to choose, explain calmly to him that this is an essential part of his education and that, unfortunately, it has been neglected so far, but it is not too late yet.
Anyway, here's my take...
I am not sure if, in this case, spiritual possession is something to be taken into consideration, probably not, but my impression is that your son could be unconsciously taking the place of someone else in the family and expressing this through inadequate behaviour. Did someone in your family die in the last fifteen years who was very important for him?
For all practical purposes, he is simply acting like a "spoilt child", although, as you yourself have observed, he is a bit too old for throwing these tantrums.
If anything, he needs a very gentle and gradual treatment. His medication could be useful, but isn't medication basically intended to treat the symptoms while not addressing the causes?
It would help if you found out what physical activity he enjoys doing. The range is so wide - from shooting to yoga- that it is virtually impossible for him not to be able to pick something of his taste. Physical activity is very important for him, and this could also include some artistic activity: drawing, music, theatre, whatever.
Be firm with him. "You will only have this (a computer, his favourite food, etc) if you do that." It's a trade-off.
His relationship with his father must be reinforced at this point. A boy must go out with his dad, must do things together with him, he must enter the masculine world if possible led by his father. A boy must have his "freedom" from his mom, if you see what I mean, otherwise he will have difficulty to grow into a healthy man. Please ask your husband to spend some time with his son. Maybe he is just needing a bit of time with his dad. Just a bit, but it must be regular.
If your son is an intellectual type, he might feel attracted to Oriental techniques - tai chi, martial arts, for instance - because these practices are not purely physical. They are also based on your mind.
There are many choices out there. You and your husband could also join one of them, and this would perhaps serve as encouragement for the boy.
If he stays stubborn and refuses to choose, explain calmly to him that this is an essential part of his education and that, unfortunately, it has been neglected so far, but it is not too late yet.
pendulum
03-28-2009, 06:15 AM
By the way, has he been checked for diabetes?
krazy2day
03-28-2009, 06:51 AM
My thoughts...
Two things come to mind when you talked about him not caring for himself so well. One, low self esteem (due to his weight) or two, executive dysfunction. Neither are 'easy' fixes. Both require him to re-learn how to function in a more organized manner.
Another thing that come to mind is... you were right when you said you shouldn't have given in (writing his note). You just reinforced his throwing a fit again in the future to get what he wants. (I don't mean that rudely, its just a fact.) Again, this is not an easy fix. You truly need support. I like what pendelum said about involving the father. This is VERY important, for young boys especially. One thing that may help is when you are in a power struggle, give him choices. "You can _____ or you can _____. You Can NOT _______" And you MUST stick to what you say. This takes MUCH practice and it doesn't work ALL of the time, but it should help calm things down. Another thing that may help is... incentives. For some children, the simple things are the hardest. What we think is so simple or natural is often TRULY dreadful for them. For this reason we must be more understanding (and creative) when guiding them. I bet he could use some help with his social skills as well. If children are teasing him, he may not have many friends. This is one good reason to do what the other poster said.. find him something that HE likes and use it to your advantage. My son is pretty oppositional and something that used to work with him was.... allowing him to map a route for us to get away. This helped his spacial skills, geography, graphing, etc... I also made it a point to pretend we were lost now and then and have him ask someone for directions. There's always someone willing to help with directions and this reinforced his social skills. Your son needs age-appropriate socialization of course, so try to involve him in some activities that aren't so discriminating (team sports may not be his best choice). Karate, jitsu, etc.. are great with teaching self disclipine (healthy exercise too).
Another thought... your in OK. You may consider asking your school to do a Multi-factored Evaluation. If he's having trouble with academics, don't hesitate doing this. Tell the school your concerns are related to social and emotional health and overall functioning (academics too if that applies). Your school has a psychologist that will probably check his IQ, his fine motor and gross motor skills. If your son is having problems with behavior in school (whether its related to academics or just getting along with others) they can do a Functional Behavior Assessment. This is when they watch your child for a short time and chart his behaviors. They look for things that may 'trigger' him to fall apart (melt down).
I'm kinda tired.. not thinking too straight. I hope this helps.. sorry it was so long.
Two things come to mind when you talked about him not caring for himself so well. One, low self esteem (due to his weight) or two, executive dysfunction. Neither are 'easy' fixes. Both require him to re-learn how to function in a more organized manner.
Another thing that come to mind is... you were right when you said you shouldn't have given in (writing his note). You just reinforced his throwing a fit again in the future to get what he wants. (I don't mean that rudely, its just a fact.) Again, this is not an easy fix. You truly need support. I like what pendelum said about involving the father. This is VERY important, for young boys especially. One thing that may help is when you are in a power struggle, give him choices. "You can _____ or you can _____. You Can NOT _______" And you MUST stick to what you say. This takes MUCH practice and it doesn't work ALL of the time, but it should help calm things down. Another thing that may help is... incentives. For some children, the simple things are the hardest. What we think is so simple or natural is often TRULY dreadful for them. For this reason we must be more understanding (and creative) when guiding them. I bet he could use some help with his social skills as well. If children are teasing him, he may not have many friends. This is one good reason to do what the other poster said.. find him something that HE likes and use it to your advantage. My son is pretty oppositional and something that used to work with him was.... allowing him to map a route for us to get away. This helped his spacial skills, geography, graphing, etc... I also made it a point to pretend we were lost now and then and have him ask someone for directions. There's always someone willing to help with directions and this reinforced his social skills. Your son needs age-appropriate socialization of course, so try to involve him in some activities that aren't so discriminating (team sports may not be his best choice). Karate, jitsu, etc.. are great with teaching self disclipine (healthy exercise too).
Another thought... your in OK. You may consider asking your school to do a Multi-factored Evaluation. If he's having trouble with academics, don't hesitate doing this. Tell the school your concerns are related to social and emotional health and overall functioning (academics too if that applies). Your school has a psychologist that will probably check his IQ, his fine motor and gross motor skills. If your son is having problems with behavior in school (whether its related to academics or just getting along with others) they can do a Functional Behavior Assessment. This is when they watch your child for a short time and chart his behaviors. They look for things that may 'trigger' him to fall apart (melt down).
I'm kinda tired.. not thinking too straight. I hope this helps.. sorry it was so long.
krazy2day
03-28-2009, 06:57 AM
Oooh, one more thing... the school intervention IS FREE.
Last I knew, the law stated the school has 90 days to COMPLETE the evaluation (IF you give them your request in writing). This time limit may have changed but it's not going to be far off.
Last I knew, the law stated the school has 90 days to COMPLETE the evaluation (IF you give them your request in writing). This time limit may have changed but it's not going to be far off.
mscat40
03-28-2009, 07:01 PM
Hi,
Please remember that you and your husband are your child's advocate. His support system. Do not let him down! Your child depends on you. PLease get the help your son needs in order for him to function better in his life. He needs to know that his parents are for him not against him. Meaning, that you do not need to give into him, however, understand his feelings, and what he is going through and you are there for him and going to make it easier for him to cope.
He could use a school evaluation, and already has a diagnoses of ADHD, & BI POLAR DISORDER, he needs medication, and therapy. I do not understand why he is not getting this? Being overweight is the least of his struggles. Being responsible parents , you need to get him the medical care that your child deserves so he can be sucessful. Right now he is unhappy emotionally and has no where to turn. why are you setting him up for failure? I am surprised the school has not called you. Often a child will act out through their behavior , especially with the type of diagnoses your son has.
Please remember that you and your husband are your child's advocate. His support system. Do not let him down! Your child depends on you. PLease get the help your son needs in order for him to function better in his life. He needs to know that his parents are for him not against him. Meaning, that you do not need to give into him, however, understand his feelings, and what he is going through and you are there for him and going to make it easier for him to cope.
He could use a school evaluation, and already has a diagnoses of ADHD, & BI POLAR DISORDER, he needs medication, and therapy. I do not understand why he is not getting this? Being overweight is the least of his struggles. Being responsible parents , you need to get him the medical care that your child deserves so he can be sucessful. Right now he is unhappy emotionally and has no where to turn. why are you setting him up for failure? I am surprised the school has not called you. Often a child will act out through their behavior , especially with the type of diagnoses your son has.
krazy2day
03-29-2009, 04:34 AM
He could use a school evaluation, and already has a diagnoses of ADHD, & BI POLAR DISORDER, he needs medication, and therapy.
IF your child does need the school help (you haven't said that he does):
If you have (or can obtain) proof of his dx you can also request help through your school under the American Disabilities Act, Section 504. This could probably help until you get the multi-factored evaluation under IDEA. It's easier to qualify and quicker to set up. 504 is less specific (detailed) than the IEP's but both are aimed to support your child.
There was a case yrs back where a teenage girl was not attending school because of her weight and being made fun of all the time. She attended school an avg of 2 days a week. Of course her grades suffered and brought all of this to light. Parent's play an equal part in creating plans under 504 and IDEA so these informed parents asked that the childs plan state that if she attends school 4 days a week she get Fridays off. The school said "heck no" and of course other students/parents would think this is unfair. The parents showed up to their next mtg with a special education lawyer and by the end of the mtg, the plan was a go. The reason this is acceptable is: the child was not going to school, the child was getting no education. With the plan in place, the child was getting 4 days a wk education opposed to the 'then' 2 days per week. And, for whatever reason, it did work. (It's certainly not the 'typical' accommodation, but whatever is written into these plans -are to be followed.) So, these plans are unique, they're tailored to the childs specific needs. There are flaws of course (like getting everyone to follow the plans, and getting the plan to meet your childs needs) but they are wonderful tools for children who have exceptional needs.
IF your son is not acting out at school....... esp since this is where he is teased and taunted... there MAY BE something going on at home. It's REALLY hard to say because some kids are known to keep it together while they are at school (despite issues there) then melt down once they get home, and vice-versa. Both are reasons to work collaboratively with trained specialists.
IF your child does need the school help (you haven't said that he does):
If you have (or can obtain) proof of his dx you can also request help through your school under the American Disabilities Act, Section 504. This could probably help until you get the multi-factored evaluation under IDEA. It's easier to qualify and quicker to set up. 504 is less specific (detailed) than the IEP's but both are aimed to support your child.
There was a case yrs back where a teenage girl was not attending school because of her weight and being made fun of all the time. She attended school an avg of 2 days a week. Of course her grades suffered and brought all of this to light. Parent's play an equal part in creating plans under 504 and IDEA so these informed parents asked that the childs plan state that if she attends school 4 days a week she get Fridays off. The school said "heck no" and of course other students/parents would think this is unfair. The parents showed up to their next mtg with a special education lawyer and by the end of the mtg, the plan was a go. The reason this is acceptable is: the child was not going to school, the child was getting no education. With the plan in place, the child was getting 4 days a wk education opposed to the 'then' 2 days per week. And, for whatever reason, it did work. (It's certainly not the 'typical' accommodation, but whatever is written into these plans -are to be followed.) So, these plans are unique, they're tailored to the childs specific needs. There are flaws of course (like getting everyone to follow the plans, and getting the plan to meet your childs needs) but they are wonderful tools for children who have exceptional needs.
IF your son is not acting out at school....... esp since this is where he is teased and taunted... there MAY BE something going on at home. It's REALLY hard to say because some kids are known to keep it together while they are at school (despite issues there) then melt down once they get home, and vice-versa. Both are reasons to work collaboratively with trained specialists.