Van Drake
04-02-2009, 03:21 PM
Hello everyone
I find myself shooting myself in the foot often. Im generally a very confident person and when something needs to be done. I do it. I can walk into a room filled with a thousand people and deliver a speech. or speak to total strangers. my problem is this...
when im alone its as if another side of me comes out and tries to make my life hell. doubts. insecurities. its basically a voice that comes out and "no way. how do you know you can do that. you dont deserve it. you will fail. you are wasting your time"
The more i fight it...th louder it gets and it pushes me to my limits. i feel as if im being torn in two.
I always succeed in what i do. I dont know the meaning of the word fail. but when this voice speaks i undermine myself internally. and this angers me. i dont want to feel like this. and so the more i fight it to prove to myself that i can do anything i want. I generally do. then the voice comes back. despite all that i achieve. what causes this? does anyone know how to stop self sabotage like this?
I find myself shooting myself in the foot often. Im generally a very confident person and when something needs to be done. I do it. I can walk into a room filled with a thousand people and deliver a speech. or speak to total strangers. my problem is this...
when im alone its as if another side of me comes out and tries to make my life hell. doubts. insecurities. its basically a voice that comes out and "no way. how do you know you can do that. you dont deserve it. you will fail. you are wasting your time"
The more i fight it...th louder it gets and it pushes me to my limits. i feel as if im being torn in two.
I always succeed in what i do. I dont know the meaning of the word fail. but when this voice speaks i undermine myself internally. and this angers me. i dont want to feel like this. and so the more i fight it to prove to myself that i can do anything i want. I generally do. then the voice comes back. despite all that i achieve. what causes this? does anyone know how to stop self sabotage like this?
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tommy124
04-02-2009, 04:01 PM
As far as I can see, this is the human condition...to be plagued with fear and self doubt.
The real difference between people, is not whether or not you have that voice, it's how much you allow it to determine your actions.
That was a beautiful, accurate description of what goes on in a person's head. I couldn't have written it as clearly, but I know exactly what you've talking about from the inside of me. How could you know exactly what is going on in my head, unless it is part of being human?
The real difference between people, is not whether or not you have that voice, it's how much you allow it to determine your actions.
That was a beautiful, accurate description of what goes on in a person's head. I couldn't have written it as clearly, but I know exactly what you've talking about from the inside of me. How could you know exactly what is going on in my head, unless it is part of being human?
Van Drake
04-02-2009, 04:17 PM
it doesnt influence my actions per se...but it does prove to be an annoyance...especially when one is trying to shut down. But occasionally the voice speaks when one is thinking about something they love dearly...eg your career or a loved one...and one then goes on the attack, trying to shut the voice up...which then turns into an internal struggle for domination. But on the outside...one seems normal...but on the inside one begins to dread the arrival of this voice...I have even slapped myself really really hard when it happened once. just trying to get it to release me. to leave my mind.
I hear its good to ask yourself questions. to question yourself because then one finds the reasons why one does things...and finds strength. but this is on a whole new level of mental pain. and for someone prone to depression I want to get it out before it gets me.
I hear its good to ask yourself questions. to question yourself because then one finds the reasons why one does things...and finds strength. but this is on a whole new level of mental pain. and for someone prone to depression I want to get it out before it gets me.
reg12
04-02-2009, 06:33 PM
Hi Van,
It sounds like you are correct. You can look at it as the voice appears to be coming from another side or another part of you. Why this other side has this attitude and talks to you this way can come from a single simple reason or from many complexed sources. I find normally it is complexed, so that is why the other side or part may not know why he does it either. I hope this helps in some way to answer your question.
It sounds like you are correct. You can look at it as the voice appears to be coming from another side or another part of you. Why this other side has this attitude and talks to you this way can come from a single simple reason or from many complexed sources. I find normally it is complexed, so that is why the other side or part may not know why he does it either. I hope this helps in some way to answer your question.
shorebird
04-03-2009, 04:32 PM
This is quite common and not terribly difficult to cure with some effort. Somewhere along the line you developed an internal voice (usually from a harsh critic early in life like a parent, teacher or coach) and now you need to eliminate it. Usually this form of internal thinking is irrational and when exposed to evaluation and more objective thought disappears and takes the anxiety it causes away with it. Cognitive therapy has a couple of exercises that when practiced daily for a short period of time will help you see how irrational and self-sabotaging these thought patterns are to you and help you replace them with more accurate and self-enhancing thoughts.
Try and join a CBT group or read the book we used in my CBT group by Sam Obitz and start countering your thoughts in a TEA form and do the putting things back into perspective exercise and I think this will help you. Also Martin Seligman has a great book on changing your internal dialog that is worth using as well. Good luck!
Try and join a CBT group or read the book we used in my CBT group by Sam Obitz and start countering your thoughts in a TEA form and do the putting things back into perspective exercise and I think this will help you. Also Martin Seligman has a great book on changing your internal dialog that is worth using as well. Good luck!
Van Drake
04-04-2009, 04:28 AM
thanks so much for all the responses. So do you think therapy would be a good idea? I dont mind going at all. And how does one choose a good therapist?
As for the origins of this voice you're probably right...now the struggle is to get rid of it. I hate this...thing...inside me.
As for the origins of this voice you're probably right...now the struggle is to get rid of it. I hate this...thing...inside me.
reg12
04-04-2009, 05:48 PM
Hi Van,
Yes I think that would be the best if you do suspect complexed issues. Just like doctors or car mechanics there are a lot of them out there, but finding the right one for you may take some looking. You have to feel comfortable and trust their judgement if you have to deal with personal issues. I would recommend one that knows and that does work with identities. I am not saying that is your problem, I just think they will understand the best. Watch out for those that think they know. Keep up you good positive work and be patient. I think it is like pealing an onion, sometimes you wonder when you will get through the layers and get to the middle.
Yes I think that would be the best if you do suspect complexed issues. Just like doctors or car mechanics there are a lot of them out there, but finding the right one for you may take some looking. You have to feel comfortable and trust their judgement if you have to deal with personal issues. I would recommend one that knows and that does work with identities. I am not saying that is your problem, I just think they will understand the best. Watch out for those that think they know. Keep up you good positive work and be patient. I think it is like pealing an onion, sometimes you wonder when you will get through the layers and get to the middle.
Van Drake
04-05-2009, 03:57 AM
hey everyone. whilst im searching for a therapist today has been a really bad day. I feel...a tad fragile at the moment. As if i have been making huge mistakes in the decisions i have been making. but when i look at them rationally i can see that i have been on the right path. MY OWN path the entire time. its as if one is almost drowing in a sea of contrition and yet all it takes to survive would be a few powerful strokes and im there. I have never been this fragile in a long time. Im normally the strong one. the one who never ever quits. Im too stubborn to quit. and thats probably whats going to keep me from doing something stupid to myself.
And strangely enough i seem completely normal on the outside. I smile a genuine smile. but when i stop and just let go...then hell begins...im voicing this out here because I dont have another avenue yet. im voicing this here because i fear the destruction of my dreams. I voice this here...because i dont want to lose my identity. right now im under attack from the inside by the demons of my childhood. and though i hate to say it. I feel...weak.
My dreams have been reliving all of them. including people who have now since passed. My mind and soul seem to be trying to repair what has been damaged inside me. something i have largely never even bothered with until now. perhaps its only surfacing now in order to make sure that im tough enough for the next steps in my life and my chosen career.
or perhaps its something else.
I walk through the dark passages in my mind searching for the answers that will set me free. for i can feel the spectre grow stronger. and the spirit within me wane.
And strangely enough i seem completely normal on the outside. I smile a genuine smile. but when i stop and just let go...then hell begins...im voicing this out here because I dont have another avenue yet. im voicing this here because i fear the destruction of my dreams. I voice this here...because i dont want to lose my identity. right now im under attack from the inside by the demons of my childhood. and though i hate to say it. I feel...weak.
My dreams have been reliving all of them. including people who have now since passed. My mind and soul seem to be trying to repair what has been damaged inside me. something i have largely never even bothered with until now. perhaps its only surfacing now in order to make sure that im tough enough for the next steps in my life and my chosen career.
or perhaps its something else.
I walk through the dark passages in my mind searching for the answers that will set me free. for i can feel the spectre grow stronger. and the spirit within me wane.
reg12
04-05-2009, 05:22 AM
Hey Van,
You are doing good by looking for assistance, but the other side is objecting. That is fine to use this medium to voice out if you need to do so. You will feel weak from the battle from within. Just keep it in check.
You will not lose your identity. It can not take that from you. Those memories that you see are the ones you have held inside, tucked away all along. They are part of who you really are. You built a shell around them a long time ago, but as we grow older that shell weakens. Try not to look in the dark passages for answers right now. You will be kept busy enough. The spectre will only grow if you let it. Just hold it in place for now and get your spirit back in line. Write as much as you need to.
You are doing good by looking for assistance, but the other side is objecting. That is fine to use this medium to voice out if you need to do so. You will feel weak from the battle from within. Just keep it in check.
You will not lose your identity. It can not take that from you. Those memories that you see are the ones you have held inside, tucked away all along. They are part of who you really are. You built a shell around them a long time ago, but as we grow older that shell weakens. Try not to look in the dark passages for answers right now. You will be kept busy enough. The spectre will only grow if you let it. Just hold it in place for now and get your spirit back in line. Write as much as you need to.
tommy124
04-05-2009, 05:40 PM
It's the oldest battle in the world, love and fear. The only way out is to love.
Van Drake
04-06-2009, 03:51 AM
today has been a little better...a friend came and spent the night and she just helped in her own way. without her realising it. at the moment i feel a dead calm. Im neither here nor there...that being said i feel...empty...there is no feeling at all at the moment. Just this empty space. when the spectre tries to speak its voice is engulfed before i can fully hear it. but that being said...my own voice too is engulfed by this void when i try speak.
but for now its better than where i was. perhaps...i will start to feel normal again. somehow. as it stands i exist in a grey space. not light. not dark. just a space. but this blank canvas is a bit of refresh. but i dont i want to stay here long.
but for now its better than where i was. perhaps...i will start to feel normal again. somehow. as it stands i exist in a grey space. not light. not dark. just a space. but this blank canvas is a bit of refresh. but i dont i want to stay here long.
reg12
04-06-2009, 01:03 PM
Hi Van,
I am glad to hear you are doing ok. Sometimes we have to just take it a day at a time. The important thing is you have control. Just try to keep the spectra where he is at for the present time while you search for the therapist. I found my blank canvas about 10 years ago. I have a nice picture on it now. Do not worry about the grey area. Just try to stay out of the black as much as possible. I found you have to face the dark before it goes away. Be patient with yourself, it took you years to get to this place in your life it will probably take you some time to move away from it. If you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to let me know. They have something on here called private message. I do not know what it does. I have never used it.
I am glad to hear you are doing ok. Sometimes we have to just take it a day at a time. The important thing is you have control. Just try to keep the spectra where he is at for the present time while you search for the therapist. I found my blank canvas about 10 years ago. I have a nice picture on it now. Do not worry about the grey area. Just try to stay out of the black as much as possible. I found you have to face the dark before it goes away. Be patient with yourself, it took you years to get to this place in your life it will probably take you some time to move away from it. If you need someone to talk to please do not hesitate to let me know. They have something on here called private message. I do not know what it does. I have never used it.
Van Drake
04-07-2009, 07:05 AM
hey there everyone...today is another day in the grey state. neither here nor there but im feeling that little bit more solid. the best way to describe this is like a computer firewall. that has all connections blocked both good and bad. nothing is getting in or out for that matter. but i have found that im having the strangest dreams now. they are...just twisted in their own way. as if my mind is processing and creating a library for all the events that have happened to me and all the emotions i have felt. its so...surreal. occasionally i will spike up and feel an emotion. sometimes good. sometimes bad. but for the most part i stare at the canvas. and there is no picture on it...but i run my hand on it and feel its texture...and see the patterns that make it...and this brings intrigue.
tommy124
04-07-2009, 10:23 AM
how poetic. what imagery is evoked. you have a wonderfully creative mind.
reg12
04-07-2009, 02:46 PM
You might want to write down what you dream. They may seem strange, but they mean something usually. Unfortunately you are correct on the library. That is what will happen. You have started to see and feel what you have stored away. You will notice the reality of it and the clarity of the visions and feelings. Do not be in a hurry to use the canvas. It will come to you when it feels right.
Van Drake
04-08-2009, 05:35 AM
Today begins in a slight daze...my dreams have taken on a life of their own. I wake suddenly and rapidly but then almost immediately the dream is forgotten with only its last images remaining in my mind. confusing. confused. chaotic. I feel a twang of fear deep inside me. But this fear comes from my feeling stangnant. and that eternal question that I always berate myself with. Am i good enough? will i succeed in what I do?
then i cast my mind back...far back...to an evening when i was still with my parents and my evil step father was still alive. he wasnt that bad then. but i believe that what happened on this night also changed his perceptions about me...and so hell began.
We drove for what must have been eterity. but as a young boy your perception of time is twisted. disjointed. time slows for you. holidays seem longer. sleeping was more...peaceful...and days seemed carefree. for the most part. we drove on into the blackness of night. not even street lights along this road. just the darkness i could see outside my window. the road twists. turns. climbs. and yet we drive on.
Finally, we get to a small church. this church has people from all background. all walks of life. I was intrigued. i didnt understand what was going on. but i merely sat there. watched. listened.
After a time my family and i were walking across the hall of this place, when a lady (i guess she was in her late fourties of early fifties. i cant be sure) with long wavy blonde hair and wearing a somewhat different attair (i dont remember what she was wearing exactly. a few beads and some clothing with a different texture. i do recall that it was odd) approached my parents with a smile and looked at me. then my brother. then back to my parents. pointing at me she asked my step father "is this your son?" to which he replied yes. the words she then said remain with me forever.
"look after him. for he is destined for greatness"
smiles were exchanged between the older folk and then she was gone. I never saw her or that church even again. I sometimes think that perhaps i dreamed the whole thing. thats its all from my imagination...but...When i think about it i know it happened, because i saw one of the other children i was at the church with went to the same school as i did. the next day he asked me how did i like the church...thus it HAD to be real. I couldnt have made it up...and yet it become surreal like a dream the older i get...but i will always remember that part clearly.
and its those words which now resonate in my mind that oush me further. higher. harder. Sometimes i ask myself was she even referring to me? but then i remember the look my step father gave me when she asked. and i knew that she was referring to me.
I dont know the meaning of the word quit. I know not how to fail. and i will not start learning now. Every encounter in my life has been preparing me for what i have always wanted to do and should be doing all along...i see that now. I embrace it now. For i enjoy doing it. despite this voice in my mind putting me down and making my life hell i will beat it somehow.
After all..this issues i have must have come at this time for a reason. so i can deal with them before i step further on my path. so that i may be stronger. its a difficult task for it deals with my most internal workings.
and so my hand still runs on the canvas...the canvas is still blank...but now my face is much closer and i can see the indicidual threads which make up the pattern...and i can smell the grounding scent the canvas has...my hand runs further...i fell the texture...take a deep breath...and begin to claw my way out of my internal hell. the voice grabs onto my ankle. and wont let go. I hear its screams and taunts echo in my mind. even though im in chaos...i can sometimes afford a smile and say to myself...
I will beat you. whatever it takes.
then i cast my mind back...far back...to an evening when i was still with my parents and my evil step father was still alive. he wasnt that bad then. but i believe that what happened on this night also changed his perceptions about me...and so hell began.
We drove for what must have been eterity. but as a young boy your perception of time is twisted. disjointed. time slows for you. holidays seem longer. sleeping was more...peaceful...and days seemed carefree. for the most part. we drove on into the blackness of night. not even street lights along this road. just the darkness i could see outside my window. the road twists. turns. climbs. and yet we drive on.
Finally, we get to a small church. this church has people from all background. all walks of life. I was intrigued. i didnt understand what was going on. but i merely sat there. watched. listened.
After a time my family and i were walking across the hall of this place, when a lady (i guess she was in her late fourties of early fifties. i cant be sure) with long wavy blonde hair and wearing a somewhat different attair (i dont remember what she was wearing exactly. a few beads and some clothing with a different texture. i do recall that it was odd) approached my parents with a smile and looked at me. then my brother. then back to my parents. pointing at me she asked my step father "is this your son?" to which he replied yes. the words she then said remain with me forever.
"look after him. for he is destined for greatness"
smiles were exchanged between the older folk and then she was gone. I never saw her or that church even again. I sometimes think that perhaps i dreamed the whole thing. thats its all from my imagination...but...When i think about it i know it happened, because i saw one of the other children i was at the church with went to the same school as i did. the next day he asked me how did i like the church...thus it HAD to be real. I couldnt have made it up...and yet it become surreal like a dream the older i get...but i will always remember that part clearly.
and its those words which now resonate in my mind that oush me further. higher. harder. Sometimes i ask myself was she even referring to me? but then i remember the look my step father gave me when she asked. and i knew that she was referring to me.
I dont know the meaning of the word quit. I know not how to fail. and i will not start learning now. Every encounter in my life has been preparing me for what i have always wanted to do and should be doing all along...i see that now. I embrace it now. For i enjoy doing it. despite this voice in my mind putting me down and making my life hell i will beat it somehow.
After all..this issues i have must have come at this time for a reason. so i can deal with them before i step further on my path. so that i may be stronger. its a difficult task for it deals with my most internal workings.
and so my hand still runs on the canvas...the canvas is still blank...but now my face is much closer and i can see the indicidual threads which make up the pattern...and i can smell the grounding scent the canvas has...my hand runs further...i fell the texture...take a deep breath...and begin to claw my way out of my internal hell. the voice grabs onto my ankle. and wont let go. I hear its screams and taunts echo in my mind. even though im in chaos...i can sometimes afford a smile and say to myself...
I will beat you. whatever it takes.
reg12
04-08-2009, 02:09 PM
You will remember more images as time passes, both good and bad. The combination made you who you are now. You feels more positive today and the grey seems a shade or two brighter. Nice neutral color for a background undercoat.
Why are you that close to the canvas? Was the pattern for general work or was it finely woven and aligned for portrait work? I am not saying it is wrong to be that close. I know it is yours, but do you normally look and feel things like this? I do get close like that myself sometimes. However I find if you get too close to things, you have to expect to see and accept the flaws.
Why are you that close to the canvas? Was the pattern for general work or was it finely woven and aligned for portrait work? I am not saying it is wrong to be that close. I know it is yours, but do you normally look and feel things like this? I do get close like that myself sometimes. However I find if you get too close to things, you have to expect to see and accept the flaws.
Van Drake
04-09-2009, 03:20 AM
Another day dawns. and today its empty. i feel nothing. i search for someone to give me the tools to cope. inside all i have are life processes that keep my physiology going. I sit in a chair in the corner of the room. a dark room. with the canvas in the middle in a slightly brighter hue. i slink away into my own mind. the voice cant be heard but its presence is stronger. the barrier between it and the void weakens. All I want is to feel. All i want is to shed a tear. to be held tight by someone with a heart. feel theirs close to mine. in the hope that mine will beat again.
reg12
04-09-2009, 03:27 PM
Feeling nothing can also be from the lack of feeling pain. I hope you did not pull that far back from your canvas just because of my questioning. If you want to private message me just right click on my name.
Van Drake
04-10-2009, 05:03 AM
the canvas is still there but i just cant find the energy nor the urge to look at it at the moment. All i want is to sleep. that point of exhaustion both physical and mental when you want is to close your eyes and sleep...my mind is everywhere but nowhere. It drifts to a certain lady who has intrigued me with her feelings and the message she left me on a post card. The voice is silent in this regard. as if im staring into a canyon. its just quiet. so quiet even your own thoughts are noisy. but i cant help this over riding need to rest...but can i? when i have a yearning?
A headache starts to stir in the recesses of my mind.
A headache starts to stir in the recesses of my mind.
reg12
04-10-2009, 01:34 PM
Think about the lady that sent you the post card. Find a place that makes you feel at ease with yourself.
Van Drake
04-10-2009, 03:01 PM
The ground shifts...the lady left me with a kiss and hopes to return. Declaring her love and that has me...intrigued...have i lost the capacity to even rationalize with my own self? have i become that damaged? or perhaps im existing in this grey space for a reson. and i just cant let go.
The voice within is silent. then again perhaps it too lacks the energy to speak. or is biding its time.
The voice within is silent. then again perhaps it too lacks the energy to speak. or is biding its time.
reg12
04-11-2009, 10:27 AM
Keep the lady in your mind as someone in your life that made you smile about yourself. You were damaged years ago by another. This was something that happened to you, about which you had no choice or control. It is ok to have lost some capacity to rationalize with your own self at this time. Have you thought that you may be existing in the grey space now because you have stopped your spiral into the darkness?
The voice within is probably biding its time. It will have more to tell you. You faced it and have control of it at this time.
The voice within is probably biding its time. It will have more to tell you. You faced it and have control of it at this time.
Van Drake
04-12-2009, 05:31 AM
if the plunge has stopped I wonder how one will begin to climb. its as if one doesnt even have the strength left to think. but a way must be found. somehow. ghosts from the past flit in and out of my mind at will. and still. It remains silent. for that im grateful.
reg12
04-12-2009, 09:35 AM
By you recognizing that this all exists and deciding that its time for you to assume control will allow you to begin to climb out of the pit in which you have fallen. This is done one step at a time. I find by looking at only the next step for your goal is the best way. Sometimes you will slip along the way, so expect it. The ghosts will visit you for sure on your climb out. Just keep the next step in sight.
Van Drake
04-13-2009, 03:35 AM
Last night was a night of terror. It returned briefly. for an hour i seemed to struggle. but just as quickly as he came. he vanished. Now i work on building myself up again. another large task looms.
shorebird
04-16-2009, 01:43 PM
I have not read all your replies but definitely think you would benefit from the support of a therapist. I would recommend looking for one who specializes in CBT based on my experience as they will help guide you through the exercises to help yourself get better and also encourage you. Good luck and you can get better!
Van Drake
04-17-2009, 03:40 AM
thanks for your reply shorebird...however im completelly lost as to how to choose a therapist especially one to help me with my particular problem...how do i choose? what do i look for?
reg12
04-20-2009, 10:12 PM
Hi Van,
I have not noticed any new posting. Just thought I would see if your still doing ok. Take care.
I have not noticed any new posting. Just thought I would see if your still doing ok. Take care.
Van Drake
04-21-2009, 09:19 AM
I have been slowly but surely climbing out of what seemed to be an abyss. How ones mind works is really strange. I feel somewhat centered. alot calmer. a self assurance that i have been missing for a long time. I hear the voice but it seems to have no bearing on my thought. but i wonder how long i can sustain this...
reg12
04-21-2009, 10:04 AM
You are determined so just do the best you can. Make sure every step is solid and look only as high as the next step. Thanks for responding.
shorebird
04-21-2009, 05:20 PM
thanks for your reply shorebird...however im completelly lost as to how to choose a therapist especially one to help me with my particular problem...how do i choose? what do i look for?
It is difficult finding a good therapist. What part of the country do you live in? If you are determined to get better and willing to work at it I would suggest a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. That is what has helped me so naturally the type of therapy I have the most confidence in. I would call a university that's close to you with a strong CBT program to get a referral. I know UCLA and Stanford are the best ones in the west and BU and Penn are among the best in the east. I hope this helps and let me know if you have any other questions?
It is difficult finding a good therapist. What part of the country do you live in? If you are determined to get better and willing to work at it I would suggest a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist. That is what has helped me so naturally the type of therapy I have the most confidence in. I would call a university that's close to you with a strong CBT program to get a referral. I know UCLA and Stanford are the best ones in the west and BU and Penn are among the best in the east. I hope this helps and let me know if you have any other questions?
Van Drake
04-23-2009, 02:57 PM
each day dawns new...and Im drifting. but the current seems to take me a little closer to sanity each time. perhaps there is light at the end of this after all. now to pick a therapist.
I dont even know what to expect.
the voice still speaks but now im rationalizing a little better. perhaps a symbiosis is being reached but there is no assurance the peace will last. I need more tools.
I dont even know what to expect.
the voice still speaks but now im rationalizing a little better. perhaps a symbiosis is being reached but there is no assurance the peace will last. I need more tools.
Van Drake
04-25-2009, 09:51 AM
something good happened to me last night...and i was acutally battling to belive whether it was true...im still trying to get the voice and i to work together. its difficult but perhaps some progress has been made.
reg12
04-25-2009, 10:06 AM
You are doing good. Be sure to listen to what he says or shows you. It is important to him.
Van Drake
04-27-2009, 02:23 PM
I feel like i have learnt something important...letting go...something i find very difficult to do. My dreams have been reflecting that my soul has been trying to heal. trying to make sense of things.
And I can start to let go. All the injustice i have suffered. I can start to release. the damage will always be there...but perhaps...step by step. I can start to move away from the pain and the feeling of being trapped. and you know what? its a breath of fresh air. I have so much to look forward to. Im learning to calm the voice. rationalize with myself. with it. and somehow find a common ground. I still have those moments of dread. of self mind mutilation. but I can start to see something better.
And im swimming towards it for all im worth. I refuse to drown.
And I can start to let go. All the injustice i have suffered. I can start to release. the damage will always be there...but perhaps...step by step. I can start to move away from the pain and the feeling of being trapped. and you know what? its a breath of fresh air. I have so much to look forward to. Im learning to calm the voice. rationalize with myself. with it. and somehow find a common ground. I still have those moments of dread. of self mind mutilation. but I can start to see something better.
And im swimming towards it for all im worth. I refuse to drown.
shorebird
04-29-2009, 04:34 PM
Good job... Now find a good therapist to help you even more. Remember to keep your focus in the present. Pain is in the past and hope is right in front of you:)
Van Drake
05-01-2009, 02:23 PM
things are alot harder now. i have been trying to search for a therapist. its alot harder than i thought. I have yet to find one im truly comfortable with. Add the fact that emotionally im not 100% at the moment. I have learnt to work with that voice much better now. And see him more of a critic who can help me go further. I just hope he keeps things constructive.
Now if only i could get out of this void i seem to be in. i feel as if something is missing in my life. And i know what it is. but this one is beyond my control. truly.
And so one walks on. this time trying hard to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. and i wont lie. its difficult.
Now if only i could get out of this void i seem to be in. i feel as if something is missing in my life. And i know what it is. but this one is beyond my control. truly.
And so one walks on. this time trying hard to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. and i wont lie. its difficult.
reg12
05-01-2009, 06:14 PM
I have been wondering how you were doing. It has been a few days. I am happy to hear you tow are getting along better. Sorry to hear you are having problems finding a T, but you have to be comfortable. Yes, it does seem very slow going, but that is better than trying to run and then stumbling.
If you need to talk about the void or what is missing, you know where to find us.
If you need to talk about the void or what is missing, you know where to find us.
shorebird
05-11-2009, 06:15 PM
It is very difficult, but worth the difficulty in my experience. Keep working at it and you will get there. Rome was not built in a day :)