xanadu2
04-19-2009, 10:33 AM
Please... But meanwhile I feel able to make the choice that the issue does not have to make me miserable?
I socialise readily, enjoy meeting people, and thousands of people have looked at me with their eyes sparkling with interest, yet, except for one single relationship, all I’ve ever found is friendship. (It took me 40 years to find E, and he stayed in my life for less than seven years!) I realised years ago that I am not doing some very subtle thing that other people do, or vice versa, but at the age of 64 I had to admit that I had absolutely no idea whatsoever what people do to find partners!
Then I achieved the great insight that it resulted from the way my parents brought me up to doubt that families could ever be ‘happy’, not even the best of them. Accordingly I grew up needing a lot of persuasion to think of entering a relationship and even then viewed the ideas with great caution.
I'd like to find constructive answers to the issue of how on earth people find partners, although in the meantime I may explain my feelings that having a partner is not always necessary for happiness.
PS, I don't intend my opening to imply anything whatsoever about other people's feelings about their current problems.
I socialise readily, enjoy meeting people, and thousands of people have looked at me with their eyes sparkling with interest, yet, except for one single relationship, all I’ve ever found is friendship. (It took me 40 years to find E, and he stayed in my life for less than seven years!) I realised years ago that I am not doing some very subtle thing that other people do, or vice versa, but at the age of 64 I had to admit that I had absolutely no idea whatsoever what people do to find partners!
Then I achieved the great insight that it resulted from the way my parents brought me up to doubt that families could ever be ‘happy’, not even the best of them. Accordingly I grew up needing a lot of persuasion to think of entering a relationship and even then viewed the ideas with great caution.
I'd like to find constructive answers to the issue of how on earth people find partners, although in the meantime I may explain my feelings that having a partner is not always necessary for happiness.
PS, I don't intend my opening to imply anything whatsoever about other people's feelings about their current problems.
Sponsor
reg12
04-19-2009, 04:27 PM
This is a place for asking questions. Ask anything you wish. If it is an issue for another board you may be directed to one of them. I understand your comment about partners.
xanadu2
04-19-2009, 05:15 PM
Thank you very much! More tomorrow!
Maybe I should say briefly that I believe I just signal 'friendship' on a level that people pick up on subconsciously, and don't know how to do anything else.
Maybe I should say briefly that I believe I just signal 'friendship' on a level that people pick up on subconsciously, and don't know how to do anything else.
reg12
04-19-2009, 06:18 PM
I will check tomorrow.
negot
04-20-2009, 12:31 AM
Xanadu, I find your post very interesting because I so well can relate to you. Me, too, realized long ago that I am not doing something subtle that other people are. This used to cause me a lot of emotional pain, especially as I didn't know what the problem was. I am still not completely clear over the problem. I think that we are talking about so subtle signals that it is hard to pinpoint them.
As the other poster said, you can ask anything you want.By the way, may I ask you how you found E or did he find you?
As the other poster said, you can ask anything you want.By the way, may I ask you how you found E or did he find you?
xanadu2
04-20-2009, 02:54 PM
Xanadu, I find your post very interesting because I so well can relate to you. Me, too, realized long ago that I am not doing something subtle that other people are. This used to cause me a lot of emotional pain, especially as I didn't know what the problem was. I am still not completely clear over the problem. I think that we are talking about so subtle signals that it is hard to pinpoint them.
As the other poster said, you can ask anything you want.By the way, may I ask you how you found E or did he find you?
Hi Negot and everyone else,
Pleased to get to know you all! Here's a start, and I'll tell you later how I found E, but I'm going out soon.
I’ve seen a few posts from people who say: ‘I’ve been single forever!’ but when I look they are only in their late twenties. In other words, to me they are only just starting!
Here’s a quick synopsis of what it’s really like to be single forever.My teens – no boyfriends.Twenties – one boyfriend for a week on holiday. A couple of unpromising dates. Thirties – occasionally dragging around with incompatible men because society had programmed me to be one half of a couple, and I
couldn’t figure out how else I could get a relationship started. Joining a friendship bureau so I was repeatedly interviewed for the position of wife or girlfriend, then failed the other party’s strict shopping list of requirements: meanwhile any relationship criteria I had were thrown out from Day One. Resisting being guilt-tripped by a few men who lectured me on the ‘selfishness’ of having hobbies and interests instead of dropping everything for the kitchen sink!
Age 33 – I actually had a boyfriend I was in love with for a whopping *five months* before he dropped me to marry someone else! Then I had a disastrous attempt at a relationship on the rebound. So I stomped off abroad to do something more enjoyable with my life than fret about the state of my love life.
‘Friends’ lectured me: ‘Now, dear! The Right Man is inevitably going to turn up shortly!’ until I felt I’d scream if I heard the standard clichés one more time! I just wanted some peace and quiet to enjoy life, not to jump from one stressful relationship into another. They were horrified! It made no difference…
There was no-one at all for the next twelve years… then I met the man who abused me. So my priority was recovery! In my fifties I met a man who helped me to laugh until I was healed from trauma, so I fell in love with him. Trouble was, we met in cyberspace and I didn’t know he was married! Then he started sending me sexy emails, so I had painful mixed feelings, until his wife found out and he broke off the friendship. I was devastated!
At the age of 56 I actually met my first long-term boyfriend! He was so keen on me and we were going to move in together, but then he turned out to be He of Two Girlfriends! So here I am, 65 and single.
I hope that when you were reading to this point you didn’t think there was any self-pity in this account. I’m just telling the facts. Over the years I’ve had all kinds of attitudes to being single; hating it when relationship issues rear their heads, loving it at other times, or simply not caring either way.
The most painful attitude is: ‘Everyone else has someone!’ The most successful is: ‘No-one has everything. That’s life! Get on with it!’ So I have actually learned to be happy regardless, nevertheless it would be nice to have some control over the situation, in case there is anyone else like the man I lost out there (without the extra girlfriend of course!)
As the other poster said, you can ask anything you want.By the way, may I ask you how you found E or did he find you?
Hi Negot and everyone else,
Pleased to get to know you all! Here's a start, and I'll tell you later how I found E, but I'm going out soon.
I’ve seen a few posts from people who say: ‘I’ve been single forever!’ but when I look they are only in their late twenties. In other words, to me they are only just starting!
Here’s a quick synopsis of what it’s really like to be single forever.My teens – no boyfriends.Twenties – one boyfriend for a week on holiday. A couple of unpromising dates. Thirties – occasionally dragging around with incompatible men because society had programmed me to be one half of a couple, and I
couldn’t figure out how else I could get a relationship started. Joining a friendship bureau so I was repeatedly interviewed for the position of wife or girlfriend, then failed the other party’s strict shopping list of requirements: meanwhile any relationship criteria I had were thrown out from Day One. Resisting being guilt-tripped by a few men who lectured me on the ‘selfishness’ of having hobbies and interests instead of dropping everything for the kitchen sink!
Age 33 – I actually had a boyfriend I was in love with for a whopping *five months* before he dropped me to marry someone else! Then I had a disastrous attempt at a relationship on the rebound. So I stomped off abroad to do something more enjoyable with my life than fret about the state of my love life.
‘Friends’ lectured me: ‘Now, dear! The Right Man is inevitably going to turn up shortly!’ until I felt I’d scream if I heard the standard clichés one more time! I just wanted some peace and quiet to enjoy life, not to jump from one stressful relationship into another. They were horrified! It made no difference…
There was no-one at all for the next twelve years… then I met the man who abused me. So my priority was recovery! In my fifties I met a man who helped me to laugh until I was healed from trauma, so I fell in love with him. Trouble was, we met in cyberspace and I didn’t know he was married! Then he started sending me sexy emails, so I had painful mixed feelings, until his wife found out and he broke off the friendship. I was devastated!
At the age of 56 I actually met my first long-term boyfriend! He was so keen on me and we were going to move in together, but then he turned out to be He of Two Girlfriends! So here I am, 65 and single.
I hope that when you were reading to this point you didn’t think there was any self-pity in this account. I’m just telling the facts. Over the years I’ve had all kinds of attitudes to being single; hating it when relationship issues rear their heads, loving it at other times, or simply not caring either way.
The most painful attitude is: ‘Everyone else has someone!’ The most successful is: ‘No-one has everything. That’s life! Get on with it!’ So I have actually learned to be happy regardless, nevertheless it would be nice to have some control over the situation, in case there is anyone else like the man I lost out there (without the extra girlfriend of course!)
negot
04-20-2009, 03:22 PM
No, it doesn't sound like self pity at all. I actually responded to your post on the general sexuality board. As I wrote there, I find this dating versus single topic very interesting. I've been in darkness about it for many years and I still don't understand how that whole thing works. It is like a language I never learned. My relationships have all been with men who pursued me. Some of them I wish I never dated. I once heard the following relating to relationships:
It doesn't matter what you look like and how nice and bright you are. You can compare it with a store. You can stand in front of a store window with the most gorgeous items, but if the store is closed, it doesn't matter what they sell inside.
Some people are "closed stores" for whatever reason. Most of the time, they don't know why it is that way.
It doesn't matter what you look like and how nice and bright you are. You can compare it with a store. You can stand in front of a store window with the most gorgeous items, but if the store is closed, it doesn't matter what they sell inside.
Some people are "closed stores" for whatever reason. Most of the time, they don't know why it is that way.
xanadu2
04-20-2009, 06:40 PM
No, it doesn't sound like self pity at all. I actually responded to your post on the general sexuality board. As I wrote there, I find this dating versus single topic very interesting. I've been in darkness about it for many years and I still don't understand how that whole thing works. It is like a language I never learned. My relationships have all been with men who pursued me. Some of them I wish I never dated. I once heard the following relating to relationships:
It doesn't matter what you look like and how nice and bright you are. You can compare it with a store. You can stand in front of a store window with the most gorgeous items, but if the store is closed, it doesn't matter what they sell inside.
Some people are "closed stores" for whatever reason. Most of the time, they don't know why it is that way.
Thanks, Negot. I saw your post there. I'm very glad to be in touch with someone who has thoughts on the subject. So you've seen my idea of the reason.
My mother was an only child with very unkind parents so her big dream was to have a happy family. My father, however, had no regard whatsoever for my feelings. This was nothing to do with discipline: like any other normal child I simply wanted love and kindness from both parents, but only received it from one, with constant rejection from the other.
You would think that my mother, who had vowed to work at being the kind of parent she wished she’d had herself, would intervene, but I believe she couldn’t handle the idea. Instead she went into denial. So long as she could say: ‘My parents were worse than that!’ on autopilot, she was blind and deaf to whatever was happening in front of her.
Of course my father made the most of her condoning his behaviour. He did have integrity, but I grew up being forever told: ‘Pipe down! You’re just a trial to me!’ My mother decided the answer was to make me philosophical. ‘You don’t know how lucky you are! This is such a happy family! You think yourself lucky he doesn't beat you!’ If an otherwise good parent constantly repeats something the child can’t disprove, the child believes it. Then of course my younger brother picked up on the idea that one parent walked on my feelings and the other one insisted that I wasn't allowed to object, so he started to copy my father….
So I grew up under the same roof as three other people, of whom two treated me with contempt ,while the only one who loved me refused to stand up for me, but indoctrinated me with the idea that in family life, that’s as good as it gets! Wanting kindness from all members of the family is asking too much, and men are a threat! So that turned me against the idea of family life when I grew up.
However, society doesn’t accept that a girl in her teens or twenties doesn’t want to marry. Romantic love seemed to me to belong in films and novels, not real life, however I weighed up all the evidence and decided: ’Maybe, but I must be really careful, otherwise NO!’ In my opinion I have been giving out extremely careful vibes for almost all my life, so men think I’m only looking for friendship. Now I’ve figured this out, I’m trying to work out how I can effectively come out of my shell.
Meanwhile, nothing could be worse than being trapped with the wrong man!
Phew, I'm trying not to write an epic!
It doesn't matter what you look like and how nice and bright you are. You can compare it with a store. You can stand in front of a store window with the most gorgeous items, but if the store is closed, it doesn't matter what they sell inside.
Some people are "closed stores" for whatever reason. Most of the time, they don't know why it is that way.
Thanks, Negot. I saw your post there. I'm very glad to be in touch with someone who has thoughts on the subject. So you've seen my idea of the reason.
My mother was an only child with very unkind parents so her big dream was to have a happy family. My father, however, had no regard whatsoever for my feelings. This was nothing to do with discipline: like any other normal child I simply wanted love and kindness from both parents, but only received it from one, with constant rejection from the other.
You would think that my mother, who had vowed to work at being the kind of parent she wished she’d had herself, would intervene, but I believe she couldn’t handle the idea. Instead she went into denial. So long as she could say: ‘My parents were worse than that!’ on autopilot, she was blind and deaf to whatever was happening in front of her.
Of course my father made the most of her condoning his behaviour. He did have integrity, but I grew up being forever told: ‘Pipe down! You’re just a trial to me!’ My mother decided the answer was to make me philosophical. ‘You don’t know how lucky you are! This is such a happy family! You think yourself lucky he doesn't beat you!’ If an otherwise good parent constantly repeats something the child can’t disprove, the child believes it. Then of course my younger brother picked up on the idea that one parent walked on my feelings and the other one insisted that I wasn't allowed to object, so he started to copy my father….
So I grew up under the same roof as three other people, of whom two treated me with contempt ,while the only one who loved me refused to stand up for me, but indoctrinated me with the idea that in family life, that’s as good as it gets! Wanting kindness from all members of the family is asking too much, and men are a threat! So that turned me against the idea of family life when I grew up.
However, society doesn’t accept that a girl in her teens or twenties doesn’t want to marry. Romantic love seemed to me to belong in films and novels, not real life, however I weighed up all the evidence and decided: ’Maybe, but I must be really careful, otherwise NO!’ In my opinion I have been giving out extremely careful vibes for almost all my life, so men think I’m only looking for friendship. Now I’ve figured this out, I’m trying to work out how I can effectively come out of my shell.
Meanwhile, nothing could be worse than being trapped with the wrong man!
Phew, I'm trying not to write an epic!
negot
04-21-2009, 02:00 AM
Yes, being trapped with the wrong man is far worse than being single. That kind of loneliness is much worse than the loneliness you experience when you are single.
I totally understand what you are talking about. The problem is so subtle though that it is hard to explain to people. I wonder if there are books on the subject. It is especially hard to explain if you are somewhat attractive and pleasant. People, even therapists, are quick to dismiss the problem.
This problem affects men as well as women. I have a good friend who is approaching 60. He is tall, reasonably attractive, very bright and he has a good career and good income. I don't think that he has ever had a real relationship with a woman. Since we are friends, it is hard for me to pick up on any "stay away from me" signals, but I am sure they are there. I think that my friend has resigned to being single. After so many years of single life, it becomes a habit and one part of you may not even want to bother any more.
I've actually had several male friends with this problem when I think back. At the time I knew them they were around 40 and had never had a real romantic relationship. I would be interested in examining the upbringings of all these people to see what they have in common.
I am curious about something. So, now you know what happened during your upbringing and why you have this problem. But, how do you change anything, how do you change the signals you give out when you may not even be aware that you are giving them out? These kind of things are so ingrained, how do you change?
I totally understand what you are talking about. The problem is so subtle though that it is hard to explain to people. I wonder if there are books on the subject. It is especially hard to explain if you are somewhat attractive and pleasant. People, even therapists, are quick to dismiss the problem.
This problem affects men as well as women. I have a good friend who is approaching 60. He is tall, reasonably attractive, very bright and he has a good career and good income. I don't think that he has ever had a real relationship with a woman. Since we are friends, it is hard for me to pick up on any "stay away from me" signals, but I am sure they are there. I think that my friend has resigned to being single. After so many years of single life, it becomes a habit and one part of you may not even want to bother any more.
I've actually had several male friends with this problem when I think back. At the time I knew them they were around 40 and had never had a real romantic relationship. I would be interested in examining the upbringings of all these people to see what they have in common.
I am curious about something. So, now you know what happened during your upbringing and why you have this problem. But, how do you change anything, how do you change the signals you give out when you may not even be aware that you are giving them out? These kind of things are so ingrained, how do you change?
xanadu2
04-21-2009, 08:52 AM
Yes, being trapped with the wrong man is far worse than being single. That kind of loneliness is much worse than the loneliness you experience when you are single.
I couldn't agree more!
I totally understand what you are talking about. The problem is so subtle though that it is hard to explain to people. I wonder if there are books on the subject. It is especially hard to explain if you are somewhat attractive and pleasant.
I am curious about something. So, now you know what happened during your upbringing and why you have this problem. But, how do you change anything, how do you change the signals you give out when you may not even be aware that you are giving them out? These kind of things are so ingrained, how do you change?
True - no-one can explain why I have this problem and I am sick of pep-talks by people who think I just have to 'think positive' and the problem will magically disappear! Thinking positive means facing a problem (all of it, even the worst bits) honestly, then doing something about it! Very hard if people won't admit the problem exists!
The latter part of your post describes what I want to know. How do I change, without making myself miserable through wanting what I haven't got?
Looking back through my life, I notice the problem is always there when I am happy, but if I ever become desperately miserable about it, then someone comes to date me (although he's not neccessarily right for me.) Of course I'm not going to stop being happy in order to 'fix' it!
I have a feeling it's something to do with eye contact, but that doesn't explain my lack of success on dating sites. Maybe I'm just too independent for men on such sites?
I couldn't agree more!
I totally understand what you are talking about. The problem is so subtle though that it is hard to explain to people. I wonder if there are books on the subject. It is especially hard to explain if you are somewhat attractive and pleasant.
I am curious about something. So, now you know what happened during your upbringing and why you have this problem. But, how do you change anything, how do you change the signals you give out when you may not even be aware that you are giving them out? These kind of things are so ingrained, how do you change?
True - no-one can explain why I have this problem and I am sick of pep-talks by people who think I just have to 'think positive' and the problem will magically disappear! Thinking positive means facing a problem (all of it, even the worst bits) honestly, then doing something about it! Very hard if people won't admit the problem exists!
The latter part of your post describes what I want to know. How do I change, without making myself miserable through wanting what I haven't got?
Looking back through my life, I notice the problem is always there when I am happy, but if I ever become desperately miserable about it, then someone comes to date me (although he's not neccessarily right for me.) Of course I'm not going to stop being happy in order to 'fix' it!
I have a feeling it's something to do with eye contact, but that doesn't explain my lack of success on dating sites. Maybe I'm just too independent for men on such sites?
negot
04-21-2009, 04:33 PM
Xanadu, I think that the solution to this problem is extremely complex. Yes, it probably does have to do with eye contact, but there are other components that need to be present, as well. For example, when you make eye contact, you can't look anxious or uncomfortable. It also has to do with body posture, if your body is tense or relaxed. It is a myriad of pieces that all have to come together. Once you start talking, your voice has to be relaxed, etc.
You say in one of your post that it is as if you have "only friendship" written on your forehead. I don't even have that, on my forehead it says "stay back", so I am not making friends easily. I do have friends and I think that I am a pretty likable person, but I've heard many times that I am stand offish. I don't mean to be, but that's the way it is and I have pretty much given up on trying to change. This is causing me a lot of emotional pain because a lot of times I find myself outside cliques and feel like I am back in high school and not popular.
Oh well, I am trying to tell myself that there are a lot of people dealing with worse problems.
You say in one of your post that it is as if you have "only friendship" written on your forehead. I don't even have that, on my forehead it says "stay back", so I am not making friends easily. I do have friends and I think that I am a pretty likable person, but I've heard many times that I am stand offish. I don't mean to be, but that's the way it is and I have pretty much given up on trying to change. This is causing me a lot of emotional pain because a lot of times I find myself outside cliques and feel like I am back in high school and not popular.
Oh well, I am trying to tell myself that there are a lot of people dealing with worse problems.
xanadu2
04-22-2009, 06:09 AM
Xanadu, I think that the solution to this problem is extremely complex. Yes, it probably does have to do with eye contact, but there are other components that need to be present, as well. For example, when you make eye contact, you can't look anxious or uncomfortable. It also has to do with body posture, if your body is tense or relaxed. It is a myriad of pieces that all have to come together. Once you start talking, your voice has to be relaxed, etc.
You say in one of your post that it is as if you have "only friendship" written on your forehead. I don't even have that, on my forehead it says "stay back", so I am not making friends easily.
Negot, :wave:
I am so sorry that the problem even inhibits you making friends!
I am normally very relaxed and confident when I’m with other people. Sometimes I can be quiet, because I’m quite happy to watch them while enjoying my own thoughts. At other times I’m reminding myself not to do all the talking, but to listen to them, and don’t tell them all about whatever-it-is unless there really is a suitable opening in the conversation. At other times, believe it or not, I can see a man I’ve never met before, think of something humourous I could share with him, walk straight up to him and make him laugh! If by some chance he doesn’t laugh, I immediately think: ‘Oh well! It’s him! Nothing wrong with me!’
All the time, whatever I’m doing, I’m reading the expressions on people’s faces, constantly glancing at their eyes to see if they find my conversation interesting or not. If I see their attention falter, I finish my sentence, then go quiet. If their eyes sparkle and they look as though they have time, I smile and think up something else to interest them.
And all this apparently signals: ‘Friendship only! Don’t come closer!’ It’s true I treat men and women pretty much the same. If I find a man on his own I do anticipate the wife crawling out of the woodwork at any moment. She usually does! At least I’m not caught flirting with her husband! Sometimes I ask him in advance if he's waiting for his wife.
If, on the other hand, I had to go out there and consciously seek a partner, I feel I’d be very nervous, constantly worrying about my image, and easily depressed whenever a man turns out to be attached, or doesn’t want to date me.
Oh well, I am trying to tell myself that there are a lot of people dealing with worse problems.
Yes, indeed, but it must feel lonely if you are wrongly accused of being stand-offish. You have my sympathy. :angel:
You say in one of your post that it is as if you have "only friendship" written on your forehead. I don't even have that, on my forehead it says "stay back", so I am not making friends easily.
Negot, :wave:
I am so sorry that the problem even inhibits you making friends!
I am normally very relaxed and confident when I’m with other people. Sometimes I can be quiet, because I’m quite happy to watch them while enjoying my own thoughts. At other times I’m reminding myself not to do all the talking, but to listen to them, and don’t tell them all about whatever-it-is unless there really is a suitable opening in the conversation. At other times, believe it or not, I can see a man I’ve never met before, think of something humourous I could share with him, walk straight up to him and make him laugh! If by some chance he doesn’t laugh, I immediately think: ‘Oh well! It’s him! Nothing wrong with me!’
All the time, whatever I’m doing, I’m reading the expressions on people’s faces, constantly glancing at their eyes to see if they find my conversation interesting or not. If I see their attention falter, I finish my sentence, then go quiet. If their eyes sparkle and they look as though they have time, I smile and think up something else to interest them.
And all this apparently signals: ‘Friendship only! Don’t come closer!’ It’s true I treat men and women pretty much the same. If I find a man on his own I do anticipate the wife crawling out of the woodwork at any moment. She usually does! At least I’m not caught flirting with her husband! Sometimes I ask him in advance if he's waiting for his wife.
If, on the other hand, I had to go out there and consciously seek a partner, I feel I’d be very nervous, constantly worrying about my image, and easily depressed whenever a man turns out to be attached, or doesn’t want to date me.
Oh well, I am trying to tell myself that there are a lot of people dealing with worse problems.
Yes, indeed, but it must feel lonely if you are wrongly accused of being stand-offish. You have my sympathy. :angel:
negot
04-22-2009, 12:40 PM
Xanadu, although we seem to have similar problems, they go in different directions, so to speak. You say that you are confident around people. I am very tense around people and therefor come across as stand offish. I have tried to deal with the problem. have done a lot of therapy, read a lot of self help books and now I have to resign to the problem and accept myself the way I am. I'd love to change and become socially self confident, but don't know how. To make things worse, now in my life I am in a situation where I have to be around people who are either professionally very successful or wealthy, or both. They are on another socioeconomic level than I. This makes me even more socially insecure and tense. This social insecurity and tension has always caused me a lot of grief. I even have bad dreams about it where I dream that I am socially excluded. As I wrote before, I very often find myself outside cliques and groups. This has had a huge effect on my entire life. I remember years ago at the university when people were joining different study groups and doing things together, I never did any of that because of my social issues.
I have some ideas where these issues come from, but it is far from crystal clear to me. It is one of those subtle things that is hard to pinpoint. But, I do know that it comes from my family and the way I grew up. Knowing the reason doesn't change the reality though.
In your case, you make friends easily, but have problems with woman/man relationships. Yes, I do believe that we carry signs on our foreheads and those signs are as real as if they really were there. It doesn't mean that the sighs can't change, but in my case I've never been able to figure out how.
I also find that these problems tend to escalate as we get older, to the contrary of what I used to believe. I thought that with age I'll naturally become more self confident, but the opposite is true. Now I feel humiliated that I am socially insecure at my age while at age 20 I felt that youth is an excuse to be insecure.
Anyway, my problem is social tension and insecurity and it shows up with both men and women. Because of this I've never had a relationship with a man that I picked, only with men that picked me.
Have you dealt with your issues in therapy or talked about them with someone who could give you some insight? I've done therapy, but that's long ago now. Therapy hasn't benefited me at all although I've tried different therapists.
I have some ideas where these issues come from, but it is far from crystal clear to me. It is one of those subtle things that is hard to pinpoint. But, I do know that it comes from my family and the way I grew up. Knowing the reason doesn't change the reality though.
In your case, you make friends easily, but have problems with woman/man relationships. Yes, I do believe that we carry signs on our foreheads and those signs are as real as if they really were there. It doesn't mean that the sighs can't change, but in my case I've never been able to figure out how.
I also find that these problems tend to escalate as we get older, to the contrary of what I used to believe. I thought that with age I'll naturally become more self confident, but the opposite is true. Now I feel humiliated that I am socially insecure at my age while at age 20 I felt that youth is an excuse to be insecure.
Anyway, my problem is social tension and insecurity and it shows up with both men and women. Because of this I've never had a relationship with a man that I picked, only with men that picked me.
Have you dealt with your issues in therapy or talked about them with someone who could give you some insight? I've done therapy, but that's long ago now. Therapy hasn't benefited me at all although I've tried different therapists.
negot
04-23-2009, 04:54 PM
Xanadu, hope you are doing well. I just started a thread on the relationship board. Hope to "talk" to you soon.