Llama
05-05-2009, 12:50 AM
This is more of a list for myself of what I'm going to tell my pdoc's nurse tomorrow if I get the guts and the right mind to call. (btw I can't sleep, suprise suprise)
1. I know my brain is rotting. This just started recently. I can just see it all black and oozing. I can't shake this image.
2. I am convinced that the pharmacy has been slipping me placebo pills instead of real medications. I am not sure why yet, but I know I should be feeling a lot better than I am now if I were actually getting the real medications. :mad: Has this happened to anyone here before? What did you do about it ?
3. I don't necessarily want to be dead but I don't wanna be around anymore if that makes any sense I am having trouble thinking so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.
Those are the three main things other than this BAD feeling in my brain. Maybe that is part of the rotting process.
1. I know my brain is rotting. This just started recently. I can just see it all black and oozing. I can't shake this image.
2. I am convinced that the pharmacy has been slipping me placebo pills instead of real medications. I am not sure why yet, but I know I should be feeling a lot better than I am now if I were actually getting the real medications. :mad: Has this happened to anyone here before? What did you do about it ?
3. I don't necessarily want to be dead but I don't wanna be around anymore if that makes any sense I am having trouble thinking so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.
Those are the three main things other than this BAD feeling in my brain. Maybe that is part of the rotting process.
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FisforFozzy
05-05-2009, 01:26 AM
OMG, I've experienced all 3 from your list! I've never heard anyone else have these same concerns. I didn't see my brain as black and oozing, but I felt like it was deteriorating or something---like there must be a big hole in it, or it was dying.
I can't tell you how many times I've asked if I was receiving a placebo. I'm not sure what makes us think this. Just random paranoia? IDK.
And of course, wanting to cease to exist. Gosh, I'm glad that feeling is gone.
If you are experiencing these things, you should totally tell your mental healthcare provider. Please have the courage to call. Nobody should have to feel this way. If I was your pdoc, I would want to know that you are still suffering.
I can't tell you how many times I've asked if I was receiving a placebo. I'm not sure what makes us think this. Just random paranoia? IDK.
And of course, wanting to cease to exist. Gosh, I'm glad that feeling is gone.
If you are experiencing these things, you should totally tell your mental healthcare provider. Please have the courage to call. Nobody should have to feel this way. If I was your pdoc, I would want to know that you are still suffering.
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 01:36 AM
Llama,
It may reassure you to know that your pharmacy isn't giving you placebo in place of your meds. If they did, they would face all kinds of liability issues. Your meds may need to be tweaked or perhaps you aren't on the right combo.
As far as the brain is concerned, research has proven that with every manic or hypomanic episode we have, our brain cells are destroyed.
However, the rate at which this occurs is uncertain and many people with bipolar don't seem to be affected given the high correlation between creativity, intelligence and bipolar.
It may reassure you to know that your pharmacy isn't giving you placebo in place of your meds. If they did, they would face all kinds of liability issues. Your meds may need to be tweaked or perhaps you aren't on the right combo.
As far as the brain is concerned, research has proven that with every manic or hypomanic episode we have, our brain cells are destroyed.
However, the rate at which this occurs is uncertain and many people with bipolar don't seem to be affected given the high correlation between creativity, intelligence and bipolar.
Llama
05-05-2009, 01:44 AM
FisforFozzy! That's weird that we both have experienced all of those things! For strange! I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this.
And dreams, once again thanks for your great post. You always seem to know just what to say. I still have my suspicions, but I know what you are saying. Can't you sleep either tonight? Sorry if you can't. I guess we're both in the same boat.
And dreams, once again thanks for your great post. You always seem to know just what to say. I still have my suspicions, but I know what you are saying. Can't you sleep either tonight? Sorry if you can't. I guess we're both in the same boat.
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 02:26 AM
FisforFozzy! That's weird that we both have experienced all of those things! For strange! I'm glad I'm not the only one going through this.
And dreams, once again thanks for your great post. You always seem to know just what to say. I still have my suspicions, but I know what you are saying. Can't you sleep either tonight? Sorry if you can't. I guess we're both in the same boat.
I'm glad I could help you feel better!
I can't sleep tonight because I'm feeling hypomanic. It all started earlier this evening when I began to feel my mood escalate.
I could take another Clonazepam, but I don't want to because I'm enjoying the way I feel.
Ever since my pdoc prescribed Clonazepam to help control my rapid cycling, I don't feel extremely irritable or severely depressed during a hypomanic episode.
I should try to get some sleep because I have an appointment with my tdoc tomorrow, but I'm enjoying the way I feel far too much. LOL.
And dreams, once again thanks for your great post. You always seem to know just what to say. I still have my suspicions, but I know what you are saying. Can't you sleep either tonight? Sorry if you can't. I guess we're both in the same boat.
I'm glad I could help you feel better!
I can't sleep tonight because I'm feeling hypomanic. It all started earlier this evening when I began to feel my mood escalate.
I could take another Clonazepam, but I don't want to because I'm enjoying the way I feel.
Ever since my pdoc prescribed Clonazepam to help control my rapid cycling, I don't feel extremely irritable or severely depressed during a hypomanic episode.
I should try to get some sleep because I have an appointment with my tdoc tomorrow, but I'm enjoying the way I feel far too much. LOL.
Llama
05-05-2009, 03:02 AM
Still awake dreams? lol I wish I was feeling hypomanic!
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 03:16 AM
Still awake dreams? lol I wish I was feeling hypomanic!
Yep, I'm still here. It's now 1:15am and I'm still wide awake. I'm not even the least bit tired.
How are you feeling right now? Any better?
Yep, I'm still here. It's now 1:15am and I'm still wide awake. I'm not even the least bit tired.
How are you feeling right now? Any better?
Llama
05-05-2009, 03:20 AM
I guess I don't feel like I'm freaking out so much. I still think I should call the pdoc's nurse in the morning though. It makes me so nervous to do that though and I hate it!
I'm not the least bit tired either. I just took 300mg of trazodone. (double what I'm supposed to take) We'll see if that works or not.
I'm not the least bit tired either. I just took 300mg of trazodone. (double what I'm supposed to take) We'll see if that works or not.
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 03:41 AM
I guess I don't feel like I'm freaking out so much. I still think I should call the pdoc's nurse in the morning though. It makes me so nervous to do that though and I hate it!
I'm not the least bit tired either. I just took 300mg of trazodone. (double what I'm supposed to take) We'll see if that works or not.
I'm glad that you'll be calling the nurse tomorrow. I'm sure everything will be fine when you speak to her. The pdoc I used to see in December (when I was looking for a doctor) had a nurse who was very nice. I called her twice. The first time was when I was feeling severely depressed and both she and the pdoc suggested I go IP and the second time was to ask her a question about the generic form of Risperdal.
I take 300mg PRN of Trazodone, but I haven't taken it tonight. I don't feel like it because as I said, I'm enjoying the way I feel right now.
I'm not the least bit tired either. I just took 300mg of trazodone. (double what I'm supposed to take) We'll see if that works or not.
I'm glad that you'll be calling the nurse tomorrow. I'm sure everything will be fine when you speak to her. The pdoc I used to see in December (when I was looking for a doctor) had a nurse who was very nice. I called her twice. The first time was when I was feeling severely depressed and both she and the pdoc suggested I go IP and the second time was to ask her a question about the generic form of Risperdal.
I take 300mg PRN of Trazodone, but I haven't taken it tonight. I don't feel like it because as I said, I'm enjoying the way I feel right now.
katlin09
05-05-2009, 07:13 AM
Hey Llama,
You are definitely not alone. One day when I was ummmm..let's just say, "not myself" when I picked up my scripts from the pharm, I looked in the bag and the pills were different. I called my pharmacist over and accused him of giving me fake meds! Luckily he's been my pharmacist for 10 years and knows me and all my conditions very well, so he calmly explained that it was just a diff. drug company, I still didn't believe him all the way, but went home. And as for the wanting to dissapear....that's me 99.9% of the time, I just want to go away, POOF, not be here anymore. Too bad it doesn't work that way huh.
I'm sorry you've having such a bad time and I understand your fears of calling yoru docs office having just gotten out of such a long hospital stay. But, you should still probably call the nurse and just mention what's going on just in case you need a med tweak....I mean hey we'd be normal if they didn't have to change/tweak our meds every month, or if your me every 2 or 3 weeks.
Kat
You are definitely not alone. One day when I was ummmm..let's just say, "not myself" when I picked up my scripts from the pharm, I looked in the bag and the pills were different. I called my pharmacist over and accused him of giving me fake meds! Luckily he's been my pharmacist for 10 years and knows me and all my conditions very well, so he calmly explained that it was just a diff. drug company, I still didn't believe him all the way, but went home. And as for the wanting to dissapear....that's me 99.9% of the time, I just want to go away, POOF, not be here anymore. Too bad it doesn't work that way huh.
I'm sorry you've having such a bad time and I understand your fears of calling yoru docs office having just gotten out of such a long hospital stay. But, you should still probably call the nurse and just mention what's going on just in case you need a med tweak....I mean hey we'd be normal if they didn't have to change/tweak our meds every month, or if your me every 2 or 3 weeks.
Kat
Llama
05-05-2009, 07:15 AM
Well, I'm awake now. The trazodone doesn't last very long. UGH
I forgot to mention that I am moving and this added stress could be what's pushing me over the edge. I wonder though if something as simple as moving could do this to me, how am I supposed to handle anything else? Like other life events that happen every day!
I forgot to mention that I am moving and this added stress could be what's pushing me over the edge. I wonder though if something as simple as moving could do this to me, how am I supposed to handle anything else? Like other life events that happen every day!
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 07:19 AM
Llama,
What about asking your pdoc if he could prescribe a benzo temporarily to help you until your move is completed? I take Klonopin for my rapid cycling and find that whenever I take one in the morning, it calms me and prevents me from cycling into agitation or depression. Try to hang in there. I've moved several times myself and it's a pain in the you-know-where. The last time I moved was 15 years ago, but I will be moving to Arizona in a few months. Tons of cardboard boxes and trying to make sure that the people who work for the moving company I hire do not damage any of my things -- especially my adaptive technology. Yay. NOT.
What about asking your pdoc if he could prescribe a benzo temporarily to help you until your move is completed? I take Klonopin for my rapid cycling and find that whenever I take one in the morning, it calms me and prevents me from cycling into agitation or depression. Try to hang in there. I've moved several times myself and it's a pain in the you-know-where. The last time I moved was 15 years ago, but I will be moving to Arizona in a few months. Tons of cardboard boxes and trying to make sure that the people who work for the moving company I hire do not damage any of my things -- especially my adaptive technology. Yay. NOT.
katlin09
05-05-2009, 07:19 AM
I took 300mg of Trazadone with my normal 2 clonazapan's last night, feel asleep around 1 and woke up at 3:30 and that'a all she wrote. When I woke up it was really wierd, when I move my arm it was like double vision like there was 2 arms one trying to catch up with the other...kind of like when you change your mouse to shadowing. *lol* Don't you just love when these meds screw with our already screwed up heads!
k
k
katlin09
05-05-2009, 07:20 AM
Well, I'm awake now. The trazodone doesn't last very long. UGH
I forgot to mention that I am moving and this added stress could be what's pushing me over the edge. I wonder though if something as simple as moving could do this to me, how am I supposed to handle anything else? Like other life events that happen every day!
Are you moving out of your apartment already? or into your apartment?
k
I forgot to mention that I am moving and this added stress could be what's pushing me over the edge. I wonder though if something as simple as moving could do this to me, how am I supposed to handle anything else? Like other life events that happen every day!
Are you moving out of your apartment already? or into your apartment?
k
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 07:21 AM
Kat,
What do you mean by "changing your mouse to shadowing?" I don't understand.
What do you mean by "changing your mouse to shadowing?" I don't understand.
katlin09
05-05-2009, 07:23 AM
Kat,
What do you mean by "changing your mouse to shadowing?" I don't understand.
In windows you can go in and set your mouse pointer to different things and settings, one of them is shadowing where you move your mouse and this little trail comes behind on like a 1 second delay.
But I don't think you'd ever have any need to use it.
k
What do you mean by "changing your mouse to shadowing?" I don't understand.
In windows you can go in and set your mouse pointer to different things and settings, one of them is shadowing where you move your mouse and this little trail comes behind on like a 1 second delay.
But I don't think you'd ever have any need to use it.
k
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 07:27 AM
In windows you can go in and set your mouse pointer to different things and settings, one of them is shadowing where you move your mouse and this little trail comes behind on like a 1 second delay.
But I don't think you'd ever have any need to use it.
k
No, I can't use the mouse since I'm totally blind. Instead, I use keyboard commands to navigate around the screen.
But I don't think you'd ever have any need to use it.
k
No, I can't use the mouse since I'm totally blind. Instead, I use keyboard commands to navigate around the screen.
Llama
05-05-2009, 07:28 AM
Thanks for the replies guys! *HUGS*
Kat, I will call them in a while and let you know how it goes. I am really nervous!
Dreams, I am already on ativan which is essentially the same thing as clonazepam (klonopin). They do help a lot , don't they? I have so much anxiety I don't know where I'd be without it!
Kat, I will call them in a while and let you know how it goes. I am really nervous!
Dreams, I am already on ativan which is essentially the same thing as clonazepam (klonopin). They do help a lot , don't they? I have so much anxiety I don't know where I'd be without it!
dreams in neon
05-05-2009, 07:35 AM
Thanks for the replies guys! *HUGS*
Kat, I will call them in a while and let you know how it goes. I am really nervous!
Dreams, I am already on ativan which is essentially the same thing as clonazepam (klonopin). They do help a lot , don't they? I have so much anxiety I don't know where I'd be without it!
I've never taken Ativan before, but Klonopin is my miracle drug! Not only does it help control my rapid cycling, it also helps the anxiety I have due to PTSD flashbacks. The Fluoxetine I take for my depression reduces my anxiety as well.
Kat, I will call them in a while and let you know how it goes. I am really nervous!
Dreams, I am already on ativan which is essentially the same thing as clonazepam (klonopin). They do help a lot , don't they? I have so much anxiety I don't know where I'd be without it!
I've never taken Ativan before, but Klonopin is my miracle drug! Not only does it help control my rapid cycling, it also helps the anxiety I have due to PTSD flashbacks. The Fluoxetine I take for my depression reduces my anxiety as well.
Llama
05-06-2009, 12:46 AM
SO I didn't call of course because I'm a total chicken at that stuff. I stayed in bed all day instead and worried my parents. They say I have to start getting up in the mornings. As if it were so easy. I wish it were. They are worried that I don't have enough to do. But what they don't understand is anything else added to my plate right now and I'd crack. I'm stressed.
BipolarPrincess
05-06-2009, 01:10 AM
This is more of a list for myself of what I'm going to tell my pdoc's nurse tomorrow if I get the guts and the right mind to call. (btw I can't sleep, suprise suprise)
1. I know my brain is rotting. This just started recently. I can just see it all black and oozing. I can't shake this image.
2. I am convinced that the pharmacy has been slipping me placebo pills instead of real medications. I am not sure why yet, but I know I should be feeling a lot better than I am now if I were actually getting the real medications. :mad: Has this happened to anyone here before? What did you do about it ?
3. I don't necessarily want to be dead but I don't wanna be around anymore if that makes any sense I am having trouble thinking so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.
Those are the three main things other than this BAD feeling in my brain. Maybe that is part of the rotting process.
hey there... sounds like you definitely need to bring this up with your pdoc. your brain isn't rotting, and the pharmacy isn't slipping you placebo pills.. these sound like delusions..hang in there, and make sure to bring all of this up... :angel:
1. I know my brain is rotting. This just started recently. I can just see it all black and oozing. I can't shake this image.
2. I am convinced that the pharmacy has been slipping me placebo pills instead of real medications. I am not sure why yet, but I know I should be feeling a lot better than I am now if I were actually getting the real medications. :mad: Has this happened to anyone here before? What did you do about it ?
3. I don't necessarily want to be dead but I don't wanna be around anymore if that makes any sense I am having trouble thinking so I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.
Those are the three main things other than this BAD feeling in my brain. Maybe that is part of the rotting process.
hey there... sounds like you definitely need to bring this up with your pdoc. your brain isn't rotting, and the pharmacy isn't slipping you placebo pills.. these sound like delusions..hang in there, and make sure to bring all of this up... :angel:
BipolarPrincess
05-06-2009, 01:19 AM
SO I didn't call of course because I'm a total chicken at that stuff. I stayed in bed all day instead and worried my parents. They say I have to start getting up in the mornings. As if it were so easy. I wish it were. They are worried that I don't have enough to do. But what they don't understand is anything else added to my plate right now and I'd crack. I'm stressed.
OMG you sound like ME..... my parents are always yelling GET UP AND GET MOVNG YOU'LL FEEL BETTER. and now my "normal" sister is home and living life and loving it and they all laugh and talk and i'm the oddball out. i'm so nervous for tomorrow...i go for an intake in oakland (SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE) and im scared i won't get better. I also am on a benzo.. I have been on Klonopin,Xanax, now Valium. I have SUCH a high tolerance it doesn't affect me really at all. I SO WISH IT DID. I can't sleep, too much on my mind.. I know how you feel.. ugh.
OMG you sound like ME..... my parents are always yelling GET UP AND GET MOVNG YOU'LL FEEL BETTER. and now my "normal" sister is home and living life and loving it and they all laugh and talk and i'm the oddball out. i'm so nervous for tomorrow...i go for an intake in oakland (SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE) and im scared i won't get better. I also am on a benzo.. I have been on Klonopin,Xanax, now Valium. I have SUCH a high tolerance it doesn't affect me really at all. I SO WISH IT DID. I can't sleep, too much on my mind.. I know how you feel.. ugh.
dreams in neon
05-06-2009, 01:39 AM
SO I didn't call of course because I'm a total chicken at that stuff. I stayed in bed all day instead and worried my parents. They say I have to start getting up in the mornings. As if it were so easy. I wish it were. They are worried that I don't have enough to do. But what they don't understand is anything else added to my plate right now and I'd crack. I'm stressed.
Llama,
I understand why you didn't call your pdoc's nurse. I came close to not calling my pdoc today, but I knew I didn't have any other choice if I was going to get my mixed episode under control. I'm *so* glad I called because he ended up increasing my Klonopin (from 2x/day to 4x/day) and told me I could take Melatonin for sleep as well. I also learned that Klonopin can be used to reduce mania which is something I never knew. If I still have problems sleeping over the next 2 days, he would like to increase my Klonopin again from .5mg to 2mg. He decided to keep all of my other meds the same since they are all at pretty high doses except for Fluoxetine which is considered a standard dose. Speaking of which, he contemplated taking me off of Fluoxetine (since it can induce mania) until I told him how well it was helping my depression. After I mentioned this, he decided to keep it in my regimen. I'm glad he did because I feel like the med combo I have is working really well for me. My tdoc said my mood chart for April indicated that I was depressed for only 3 days out of the month which was because of my health. My health issues are also why I'm having a mixed episode right now. In addition, my pdoc said Klonopin isn't working the way it normally does due to my mania. If I weren't manic right now, the regular dose I take would work fine.
Llama,
I understand why you didn't call your pdoc's nurse. I came close to not calling my pdoc today, but I knew I didn't have any other choice if I was going to get my mixed episode under control. I'm *so* glad I called because he ended up increasing my Klonopin (from 2x/day to 4x/day) and told me I could take Melatonin for sleep as well. I also learned that Klonopin can be used to reduce mania which is something I never knew. If I still have problems sleeping over the next 2 days, he would like to increase my Klonopin again from .5mg to 2mg. He decided to keep all of my other meds the same since they are all at pretty high doses except for Fluoxetine which is considered a standard dose. Speaking of which, he contemplated taking me off of Fluoxetine (since it can induce mania) until I told him how well it was helping my depression. After I mentioned this, he decided to keep it in my regimen. I'm glad he did because I feel like the med combo I have is working really well for me. My tdoc said my mood chart for April indicated that I was depressed for only 3 days out of the month which was because of my health. My health issues are also why I'm having a mixed episode right now. In addition, my pdoc said Klonopin isn't working the way it normally does due to my mania. If I weren't manic right now, the regular dose I take would work fine.