seanavig8tor
05-06-2009, 10:51 PM
I am a gay guy, in my forties. For the last six months, I have been deeply in love with a guy who has spent a great deal of time overseas, so we have not spent a lot of time together. Unfortunately, since his return, I have been confronted with a situation that even in consultation with psychologists, seems to be very consistent with bipolar disease. First, he broke up with me after a terrific vacation to the Caribbean. From my perspective, the reason was one of the most insignificant issues imaginable, but his reaction was if I revealed an infidelity or major untruth. Afterwards, he went into a deep depression in which he resigned his job and spent much of his time in what he calls, "hibernation." But in the last few days, he refuses to answer my calls, or emails. Since I have been massively worried about his physical well-being, the inability to contact him has been frustrating, confusing, and quite frankly, hurtful. This latest development came after he called me just a four days ago, saying that he was having one of the worst days, deeply depressed and questioning why he had left a job he now says he loved. That conversation ended on the phone with my pledging to support him in anyway and a loving email. So, this refusal to now acknowledge my existence and respect my concern for his well-being has left me more confused than ever. Is this cycle consistent with the disease? I have researched online about the isolation and hibernation, but what about shutting a person out who he says he loves? Any feedback greatly appreciated from someone who is naive about this condition. I do love him and want to be unconditional in my support and do not know for sure if he is bipolar.
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Llama
05-06-2009, 11:44 PM
Depression and bipolar disorder affect everyone differently. Some people shut people out, some don't. It's most likely ingrained in his personality. But isolation is a key symptom of depression.
dreams in neon
05-07-2009, 03:36 PM
Like Llama said, bipolar and depression affect each of us differently. I have bipolar 1 and tend to push people away when I'm manic or depressed. When I'm manic, I do it because I end up saying things I don't mean and hurting the people I care about. When I'm depressed, I push people away because I can't move, think clearly or talk. When I'm in either of these mood states, I turn off the phone, do not respond to e-mail and keep myself locked up in the house until my moods start to level out.
MarkMac
05-08-2009, 07:10 PM
Hi,
Bi-polar is a disorder that is difficult to diagnose first of all. I, being gay and BP myself, have experienced what you are at this time, but on the other side. Your prospective partner is likely feeling so worried that you will leave him because of the disorder, it's much easier and less hurtful and guilt producing for him to do the breaking up rather than be on the receiving end, which is devastating (for both really). Rejection and BP disorder are a terrible combination because we internalize and make it out to be the end of the world, that no one loves us, etc... I always asked myself why anyone would ever want to be with me. It's a terrible feeling knowing (in our world) that our problems create such guilt that we think we are imposing on others to deal with us. We'd rather be alone than hurt someone else. I have been fortunate to have been with my guy for 14 years, but trust me it was very very hard for me to trust and let myself be mentally exposed. Your bf is scared stiff. I suggest you examine how you feel about it first, then try to find out what you can about the disorder. There is a book called "Living with Someone You Love with a Mental Disorder". We hate ourselves for the affliction, but at the same time we need constant reassurance that we are cared for and are worthy of someone else's affection. Good luck to you...it'll be hard convincing your guy that it's all right. Be mindful that renegging on your "promise" is a recipe for disaster. That's when we want to end it all. Be sure that you are willing to cope with the breakdowns and anxiety counteracted with euphoric feelings of grandure and crazy behavior. Once I went out to buy toothpaste, and came home with a $4000 painting and forgot the toothpaste. Silly but oh so true. By the way, I'm 49, so I'm right there with you.
Best,
Mark
Bi-polar is a disorder that is difficult to diagnose first of all. I, being gay and BP myself, have experienced what you are at this time, but on the other side. Your prospective partner is likely feeling so worried that you will leave him because of the disorder, it's much easier and less hurtful and guilt producing for him to do the breaking up rather than be on the receiving end, which is devastating (for both really). Rejection and BP disorder are a terrible combination because we internalize and make it out to be the end of the world, that no one loves us, etc... I always asked myself why anyone would ever want to be with me. It's a terrible feeling knowing (in our world) that our problems create such guilt that we think we are imposing on others to deal with us. We'd rather be alone than hurt someone else. I have been fortunate to have been with my guy for 14 years, but trust me it was very very hard for me to trust and let myself be mentally exposed. Your bf is scared stiff. I suggest you examine how you feel about it first, then try to find out what you can about the disorder. There is a book called "Living with Someone You Love with a Mental Disorder". We hate ourselves for the affliction, but at the same time we need constant reassurance that we are cared for and are worthy of someone else's affection. Good luck to you...it'll be hard convincing your guy that it's all right. Be mindful that renegging on your "promise" is a recipe for disaster. That's when we want to end it all. Be sure that you are willing to cope with the breakdowns and anxiety counteracted with euphoric feelings of grandure and crazy behavior. Once I went out to buy toothpaste, and came home with a $4000 painting and forgot the toothpaste. Silly but oh so true. By the way, I'm 49, so I'm right there with you.
Best,
Mark
seanavig8tor
05-08-2009, 11:54 PM
Thanks for the great insight. I would like to be committed to this guy. We share a whole lot from my perspective. In reading about the disease, it appears his symptoms are consistent, yet, I don't want to self diagnose too much. Still, I'm proceeding as though he does have bipolar disease. As such, how do I reinforce my feelings and support if he refuses to communicate? We live in different cities. Is it too much for a sufferer to handle unwanted emails/phone calls. Or, do I simply drop everything and wait until he comes around? It's difficult to know how much is too much or risk having him think that I don't care.
Thanks again for the great feedback.
Thanks again for the great feedback.
MarkMac
05-09-2009, 12:47 AM
:)Hi, This is so perplexing. But that is part of the disorder. Given that he has not been diagnosed it will be difficult at best to get him to respond. Your beau went on vacation, a key element here. Quite frankly, we love to be somewhere else because that allows us to drink and party and have fun and become someone else. Coming back home generally triggers depression because we're not having fun anymore and we are forced to face our loneliness. Net result: complete and total isolation. It's an enormous let down and it hurts because we beat ourselves up that we cannot always be the way we were on vacation. Suggestion: If you have the financial means, maybe you could suggest a long weekend together somewhere neutral. Being in each others personal space might be too risky for him. Separation from the home into another's home is really unpleasant when you're unsure of yourself. I tried that once before and I ended up feeling like I was under a microscope. I wanted to leave the day I arrived for the safety of my bedroom. You will have to persist until he tells you he doesn't want the relationship, which will be hard for him. He may think it easier to ignore you than to be upfront with you...again, we don't want to hurt anyone. It's likely that he wants to be with you but is afraid to express it. Unfortunately that strategy ends up being self-defeating as we so often lose out on some pretty great things and end up feeling worse still.
Forget calling and emailing. A beautiful, handwritten letter expressing the way you feel will mean so much more. It means that you took time to compose a thoughtful meaningful letter that if it were me, I'd want to come running to your open arms. It's also very romantic. My best guess is that he will respond in kind, again a safer way to communicate without any pressure.
That said, I think you are a terrific guy for even contemplating being with one of us nut jobs...we can be a lot of fun though!
Best...
Forget calling and emailing. A beautiful, handwritten letter expressing the way you feel will mean so much more. It means that you took time to compose a thoughtful meaningful letter that if it were me, I'd want to come running to your open arms. It's also very romantic. My best guess is that he will respond in kind, again a safer way to communicate without any pressure.
That said, I think you are a terrific guy for even contemplating being with one of us nut jobs...we can be a lot of fun though!
Best...
seaturtle
05-10-2009, 12:12 AM
Hi,
Answering your question - yes, people with great depression can just not feel capable of answering phone and email. When I am depressed, I don't even open my email for days at a time answer my phone, or even get the mail (well part of that last one is not wanting to see the bills in my mailbox).
A letter is a wonderful idea. I'd make it clear that I was there for him and would wait for him to make the next move.
Answering your question - yes, people with great depression can just not feel capable of answering phone and email. When I am depressed, I don't even open my email for days at a time answer my phone, or even get the mail (well part of that last one is not wanting to see the bills in my mailbox).
A letter is a wonderful idea. I'd make it clear that I was there for him and would wait for him to make the next move.
dreams in neon
05-10-2009, 12:16 AM
I agree with everything that has already been said. When I feel severely depressed, I don't want to talk to anyone. I turn the phone off, the answering machine on and don't answer my e-mail until my moods have leveled out. I've already made the mistake in the past of communicating with people when I'm not feeling well and all it did was create a great deal of hurt for everyone. Try not to take his behavior personally. It's probably best that he avoid you and is probably doing it so as not to hurt your feelings.