Shazzi
05-13-2009, 12:40 AM
I'm hitting a low and can't seem to get back to normal. I hate my life, I don't exist in this world anymore, I'll never succeed in this life, and i can't think of anything to get out of it. I don't want to do anything or be anywhere, I don't want to see or talk to anybody, nothing matters to me like it did before. I feel so alone and just want to run away, but i don't know where to go.
I'm 38 years old and i feel like I'm living the life like a 90 year old just waiting around to die. I'm so bored and i have no motivation to do anything about it. I'm even too bored to drop dead. I don't wanna do anything, but I don't wanna do nothing either if that makes any sense. I know it's a mood and i know it will pass... But that doesn't help me right know. it's like Knowing you’re leg is broken, but it's still gonna hurt when you walk on it. So all I do is wait, and wonder what’s gonna come next Am I gonna go up? or am I gonna go down? Maybe I might have to deal with the struggle to stay stable. I spend my whole life either waiting or struggling. I’m so tired
I'm 38 years old and i feel like I'm living the life like a 90 year old just waiting around to die. I'm so bored and i have no motivation to do anything about it. I'm even too bored to drop dead. I don't wanna do anything, but I don't wanna do nothing either if that makes any sense. I know it's a mood and i know it will pass... But that doesn't help me right know. it's like Knowing you’re leg is broken, but it's still gonna hurt when you walk on it. So all I do is wait, and wonder what’s gonna come next Am I gonna go up? or am I gonna go down? Maybe I might have to deal with the struggle to stay stable. I spend my whole life either waiting or struggling. I’m so tired
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BipolarPrincess
05-13-2009, 12:53 AM
I'm hitting a low and can't seem to get back to normal. I hate my life, I don't exist in this world anymore, I'll never succeed in this life, and i can't think of anything to get out of it. I don't want to do anything or be anywhere, I don't want to see or talk to anybody, nothing matters to me like it did before. I feel so alone and just want to run away, but i don't know where to go.
I'm 38 years old and i feel like I'm living the life like a 90 year old just waiting around to die. I'm so bored and i have no motivation to do anything about it. I'm even too bored to drop dead. I don't wanna do anything, but I don't wanna do nothing either if that makes any sense. I know it's a mood and i know it will pass... But that doesn't help me right know. it's like Knowing you’re leg is broken, but it's still gonna hurt when you walk on it. So all I do is wait, and wonder what’s gonna come next Am I gonna go up? or am I gonna go down? Maybe I might have to deal with the struggle to stay stable. I spend my whole life either waiting or struggling. I’m so tired
(((((hugs))))) I feel the exact same you do. I can't really offer advice seeing I am in the same boat right now.. but I hope you start feeling better, I really do. :angel:
I'm 38 years old and i feel like I'm living the life like a 90 year old just waiting around to die. I'm so bored and i have no motivation to do anything about it. I'm even too bored to drop dead. I don't wanna do anything, but I don't wanna do nothing either if that makes any sense. I know it's a mood and i know it will pass... But that doesn't help me right know. it's like Knowing you’re leg is broken, but it's still gonna hurt when you walk on it. So all I do is wait, and wonder what’s gonna come next Am I gonna go up? or am I gonna go down? Maybe I might have to deal with the struggle to stay stable. I spend my whole life either waiting or struggling. I’m so tired
(((((hugs))))) I feel the exact same you do. I can't really offer advice seeing I am in the same boat right now.. but I hope you start feeling better, I really do. :angel:
dreams in neon
05-13-2009, 12:59 AM
I'm hitting a low and can't seem to get back to normal. I hate my life, I don't exist in this world anymore, I'll never succeed in this life, and i can't think of anything to get out of it. I don't want to do anything or be anywhere, I don't want to see or talk to anybody, nothing matters to me like it did before. I feel so alone and just want to run away, but i don't know where to go.
I'm 38 years old and i feel like I'm living the life like a 90 year old just waiting around to die. I'm so bored and i have no motivation to do anything about it. I'm even too bored to drop dead. I don't wanna do anything, but I don't wanna do nothing either if that makes any sense. I know it's a mood and i know it will pass... But that doesn't help me right know. it's like Knowing you’re leg is broken, but it's still gonna hurt when you walk on it. So all I do is wait, and wonder what’s gonna come next Am I gonna go up? or am I gonna go down? Maybe I might have to deal with the struggle to stay stable. I spend my whole life either waiting or struggling. I’m so tired
I know how you feel. I was where you are last week when I had a mixed episode. My pdoc increased one of my meds and now my moods are back to being level again.
In regards to stability, I can relate with you there as well. I've been unstable for the past 1.5 years due to rapid cycling and mania. My previous pdoc refused to treat me which is why I struggled for as long as I did. I'm now working with a wonderful pdoc who put me on a new med regimen that is working great.
If you don't mind my asking, are you on any meds? What is your diagnosis? Do you have Bipolar I or II?
If you are feeling as bad as you are, I would suggest contacting your pdoc so that your meds can be tweaked (provided you are on meds).
In the meantime, continue to vent anytime. We are always here to listen.
I'm 38 years old and i feel like I'm living the life like a 90 year old just waiting around to die. I'm so bored and i have no motivation to do anything about it. I'm even too bored to drop dead. I don't wanna do anything, but I don't wanna do nothing either if that makes any sense. I know it's a mood and i know it will pass... But that doesn't help me right know. it's like Knowing you’re leg is broken, but it's still gonna hurt when you walk on it. So all I do is wait, and wonder what’s gonna come next Am I gonna go up? or am I gonna go down? Maybe I might have to deal with the struggle to stay stable. I spend my whole life either waiting or struggling. I’m so tired
I know how you feel. I was where you are last week when I had a mixed episode. My pdoc increased one of my meds and now my moods are back to being level again.
In regards to stability, I can relate with you there as well. I've been unstable for the past 1.5 years due to rapid cycling and mania. My previous pdoc refused to treat me which is why I struggled for as long as I did. I'm now working with a wonderful pdoc who put me on a new med regimen that is working great.
If you don't mind my asking, are you on any meds? What is your diagnosis? Do you have Bipolar I or II?
If you are feeling as bad as you are, I would suggest contacting your pdoc so that your meds can be tweaked (provided you are on meds).
In the meantime, continue to vent anytime. We are always here to listen.
Shazzi
05-13-2009, 01:32 AM
I’ve been diagnosed as Bipolar II almost 5 years ago and have been on a lot of different meds in which a majority of them work wonders for a while, Then it seems like my body starts to build a tolerance and I have to try something different. It’s been a continuous cycle. Right now I’m on Trileptal, Wellbutrin, Abilify, and I’m getting weaned off of lamictal
dreams in neon
05-13-2009, 03:30 AM
I’ve been diagnosed as Bipolar II almost 5 years ago and have been on a lot of different meds in which a majority of them work wonders for a while, Then it seems like my body starts to build a tolerance and I have to try something different. It’s been a continuous cycle. Right now I’m on Trileptal, Wellbutrin, Abilify, and I’m getting weaned off of lamictal
Have you ever considered ECT?
Have you ever considered ECT?
BipolarPrincess
05-13-2009, 03:55 AM
Have you ever considered ECT?
ECT scares the crap out of me. I won't do it, EVER...:eek:
ECT scares the crap out of me. I won't do it, EVER...:eek:
dreams in neon
05-13-2009, 04:30 AM
ECT scares the crap out of me. I won't do it, EVER...:eek:
ECT is nothing like it used to be in the 60s. It's an outpatient procedure which only takes 40 seconds to conduct. Many people who experience severe depression benefit from ECT when meds fail. Having said that, I understand your reluctance to try it.
ECT is nothing like it used to be in the 60s. It's an outpatient procedure which only takes 40 seconds to conduct. Many people who experience severe depression benefit from ECT when meds fail. Having said that, I understand your reluctance to try it.
BipolarPrincess
05-13-2009, 12:48 PM
ECT is nothing like it used to be in the 60s. It's an outpatient procedure which only takes 40 seconds to conduct. Many people who experience severe depression benefit from ECT when meds fail. Having said that, I understand your reluctance to try it.
Yeah I'm hoping they find the right med combo. It still scares me even though I know it's nothing like it used to be. I don't think I'm THAT bad, it's just no one has treated me properly. I have a mild form of bipolar if anything, considering my psychotic mania was drug induced. And some borderline personality traits. I'm a little mix, can't really put me in a category. I'm crazy unique:dizzy:
Yeah I'm hoping they find the right med combo. It still scares me even though I know it's nothing like it used to be. I don't think I'm THAT bad, it's just no one has treated me properly. I have a mild form of bipolar if anything, considering my psychotic mania was drug induced. And some borderline personality traits. I'm a little mix, can't really put me in a category. I'm crazy unique:dizzy:
dreams in neon
05-13-2009, 02:18 PM
Yeah I'm hoping they find the right med combo. It still scares me even though I know it's nothing like it used to be. I don't think I'm THAT bad, it's just no one has treated me properly. I have a mild form of bipolar if anything, considering my psychotic mania was drug induced. And some borderline personality traits. I'm a little mix, can't really put me in a category. I'm crazy unique:dizzy:
I felt the same way when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type in 2006. I was bipolar, but not the "typical" definition of bipolar.
I'm now diagnosed with atypical bipolar 1 with ultradian rapid cycling and although it's considered to be a form of BPI, I'm still "atypical" given the psychosis, delusions and paranoia I experience.
I'm also a rare breed given the fact that I'm an ultradian rapid cycler and my bipolar falls more on the manic side.
Rapid cycling (especially ultradian), experiencing more mania than depression and hearing voices are not at all common when it comes to bipolar.
How "lucky" I am to have all 3.
I felt the same way when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type in 2006. I was bipolar, but not the "typical" definition of bipolar.
I'm now diagnosed with atypical bipolar 1 with ultradian rapid cycling and although it's considered to be a form of BPI, I'm still "atypical" given the psychosis, delusions and paranoia I experience.
I'm also a rare breed given the fact that I'm an ultradian rapid cycler and my bipolar falls more on the manic side.
Rapid cycling (especially ultradian), experiencing more mania than depression and hearing voices are not at all common when it comes to bipolar.
How "lucky" I am to have all 3.
BipolarPrincess
05-13-2009, 02:58 PM
I felt the same way when I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder bipolar type in 2006. I was bipolar, but not the "typical" definition of bipolar.
I'm now diagnosed with atypical bipolar 1 with ultradian rapid cycling and although it's considered to be a form of BPI, I'm still "atypical" given the psychosis, delusions and paranoia I experience.
I'm also a rare breed given the fact that I'm an ultradian rapid cycler and my bipolar falls more on the manic side.
Rapid cycling (especially ultradian), experiencing more mania than depression and hearing voices are not at all common when it comes to bipolar.
How "lucky" I am to have all 3.
Geez, thats unfortunate. I know schizoeffective bipolar does include voices and delusions..I think anyways,they said I had that before when I was inpatient, but I don't. All those antipsychotics they pumped me full of made me paranoid/anxious and delusional. What's 'ultradian' rapid cycler mean? I guess it would be bad to be manic a lot or mixed states. I don't have any of that so I can't even imagine how hard it would be. Good thing you are so very strong (((hugs)))
I'm now diagnosed with atypical bipolar 1 with ultradian rapid cycling and although it's considered to be a form of BPI, I'm still "atypical" given the psychosis, delusions and paranoia I experience.
I'm also a rare breed given the fact that I'm an ultradian rapid cycler and my bipolar falls more on the manic side.
Rapid cycling (especially ultradian), experiencing more mania than depression and hearing voices are not at all common when it comes to bipolar.
How "lucky" I am to have all 3.
Geez, thats unfortunate. I know schizoeffective bipolar does include voices and delusions..I think anyways,they said I had that before when I was inpatient, but I don't. All those antipsychotics they pumped me full of made me paranoid/anxious and delusional. What's 'ultradian' rapid cycler mean? I guess it would be bad to be manic a lot or mixed states. I don't have any of that so I can't even imagine how hard it would be. Good thing you are so very strong (((hugs)))
Kraftomatic814
05-13-2009, 03:02 PM
I hope the meds start kicken in for ya. It was frustrating for me when I was diagnosed at age 19 (now 32) and it seemed to make it worse until I found the correct combo 5 years later (2500 mg Depakote, 200 Lamictal) but I wasn't the best at taking them on a consistent bases so that didn't make it better. I don't seem to get too down now days, but if I'm feeling on the "manic" side or the people around me recognize things that I may not see I'll take a small dose of Zyprexa. That will stop me in my track in no time.
My prayers are with ya!
My prayers are with ya!
dreams in neon
05-13-2009, 03:06 PM
Geez, thats unfortunate. I know schizoeffective bipolar does include voices and delusions..I think anyways,they said I had that before when I was inpatient, but I don't. All those antipsychotics they pumped me full of made me paranoid/anxious and delusional. What's 'ultradian' rapid cycler mean? I guess it would be bad to be manic a lot or mixed states. I don't have any of that so I can't even imagine how hard it would be. Good thing you are so very strong (((hugs)))
Thanks! Hugs back!
Ultradian (or ultra-ultra) rapid cycling is when a person's mood changes several times per day, hour and/or minute. My moods change several times an hour and sometimes every minute.
Thanks! Hugs back!
Ultradian (or ultra-ultra) rapid cycling is when a person's mood changes several times per day, hour and/or minute. My moods change several times an hour and sometimes every minute.
BipolarPrincess
05-13-2009, 03:11 PM
Thanks! Hugs back!
Ultradian (or ultra-ultra) rapid cycling is when a person's mood changes several times per day, hour and/or minute. My moods change several times an hour and sometimes every minute.
OHh mannnn. That would be awful - even stable u still cycle??
Ultradian (or ultra-ultra) rapid cycling is when a person's mood changes several times per day, hour and/or minute. My moods change several times an hour and sometimes every minute.
OHh mannnn. That would be awful - even stable u still cycle??
dreams in neon
05-13-2009, 03:11 PM
Geez, thats unfortunate. I know schizoeffective bipolar does include voices and delusions..I think anyways,they said I had that before when I was inpatient, but I don't. All those antipsychotics they pumped me full of made me paranoid/anxious and delusional. What's 'ultradian' rapid cycler mean? I guess it would be bad to be manic a lot or mixed states. I don't have any of that so I can't even imagine how hard it would be. Good thing you are so very strong (((hugs)))
This may sound weird, but in a way, I'm thankful to have bipolar. The reason I say that is because in the early to mid 90s I suffered from severe depression and would be depressed for months on end. I was hospitalized 6 times between 1991 and 1995.
Now that I'm able to experience periods of mania and hypomania, I don't feel depressed all of the time. That's why I feel the way I do about having bipolar vs. major depressive disorder (which was a misdiagnosis).
I guess another positive aspect of my bipolar (if you could call it that) is the fact that I don't stay in any given mood for a long period of time. If I'm severely depressed or irritable, it won't be long before I start to feel manic and eventually level once again.
This may sound weird, but in a way, I'm thankful to have bipolar. The reason I say that is because in the early to mid 90s I suffered from severe depression and would be depressed for months on end. I was hospitalized 6 times between 1991 and 1995.
Now that I'm able to experience periods of mania and hypomania, I don't feel depressed all of the time. That's why I feel the way I do about having bipolar vs. major depressive disorder (which was a misdiagnosis).
I guess another positive aspect of my bipolar (if you could call it that) is the fact that I don't stay in any given mood for a long period of time. If I'm severely depressed or irritable, it won't be long before I start to feel manic and eventually level once again.
Llama
05-13-2009, 11:17 PM
Shazzi, I know how you feel and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I hope you feel better soon.
BipolarPrincess
05-14-2009, 12:17 AM
This may sound weird, but in a way, I'm thankful to have bipolar. The reason I say that is because in the early to mid 90s I suffered from severe depression and would be depressed for months on end. I was hospitalized 6 times between 1991 and 1995.
Now that I'm able to experience periods of mania and hypomania, I don't feel depressed all of the time. That's why I feel the way I do about having bipolar vs. major depressive disorder (which was a misdiagnosis).
I guess another positive aspect of my bipolar (if you could call it that) is the fact that I don't stay in any given mood for a long period of time. If I'm severely depressed or irritable, it won't be long before I start to feel manic and eventually level once again.
Hmmm.... If you were so depressed what brought on the mania?? I'm confused with this all. I wonder if I AM bipolar. I experience only depression though along with anxiety. And like I mentioned before, my psychotic/manic episodes were from using illicit drugs, then made worse by the meds they put me on.
Now that I'm able to experience periods of mania and hypomania, I don't feel depressed all of the time. That's why I feel the way I do about having bipolar vs. major depressive disorder (which was a misdiagnosis).
I guess another positive aspect of my bipolar (if you could call it that) is the fact that I don't stay in any given mood for a long period of time. If I'm severely depressed or irritable, it won't be long before I start to feel manic and eventually level once again.
Hmmm.... If you were so depressed what brought on the mania?? I'm confused with this all. I wonder if I AM bipolar. I experience only depression though along with anxiety. And like I mentioned before, my psychotic/manic episodes were from using illicit drugs, then made worse by the meds they put me on.
dreams in neon
05-14-2009, 12:44 AM
Hmmm.... If you were so depressed what brought on the mania?? I'm confused with this all. I wonder if I AM bipolar. I experience only depression though along with anxiety. And like I mentioned before, my psychotic/manic episodes were from using illicit drugs, then made worse by the meds they put me on.
My manic/psychotic episode in 2006 was caused by a number of factors: anesthesia from bilateral cochlear implant surgery (anesthesia induces mania in people with bipolar), the stress of having surgery itself, sensory deprivation (i.e. the loss of my residual hearing following surgery combined with total blindness), the death of my mother and being unmedicated for many, many years. According to the pdoc who treated me when I was IP in 2006, I've had bipolar for a long time, but my symptoms became increasingly more severe and eventually reached the point where I experienced a severe manic episode. He said that if I had been on meds prior to then, I would not have had the episode I did.
My manic/psychotic episode in 2006 was caused by a number of factors: anesthesia from bilateral cochlear implant surgery (anesthesia induces mania in people with bipolar), the stress of having surgery itself, sensory deprivation (i.e. the loss of my residual hearing following surgery combined with total blindness), the death of my mother and being unmedicated for many, many years. According to the pdoc who treated me when I was IP in 2006, I've had bipolar for a long time, but my symptoms became increasingly more severe and eventually reached the point where I experienced a severe manic episode. He said that if I had been on meds prior to then, I would not have had the episode I did.
dreams in neon
05-14-2009, 12:46 AM
BipolarPrincess,
It's still possible to have bipolar even if you don't become full blown manic. People with BPII experience hypomania (mild mania) and severe depression while people with cyclothymia experience mild hypomania and mild depression.
It's still possible to have bipolar even if you don't become full blown manic. People with BPII experience hypomania (mild mania) and severe depression while people with cyclothymia experience mild hypomania and mild depression.
dreams in neon
05-14-2009, 12:50 AM
BipolarPrincess,
Many people with bipolar like myself are originally diagnosed as having major depression. Part of the reason why this happens is because most people don't report mania since it feels good and/or they don't recognize it as being problematic. This was definitely the case for me. Mania felt great, but I also didn't know what it was, so I had no idea what was happening to me.
Many people with bipolar like myself are originally diagnosed as having major depression. Part of the reason why this happens is because most people don't report mania since it feels good and/or they don't recognize it as being problematic. This was definitely the case for me. Mania felt great, but I also didn't know what it was, so I had no idea what was happening to me.
BipolarPrincess
05-14-2009, 12:56 AM
BipolarPrincess,
Many people with bipolar like myself are originally diagnosed as having major depression. Part of the reason why this happens is because most people don't report mania since it feels good and/or they don't recognize it as being problematic. This was definitely the case for me. Mania felt great, but I also didn't know what it was, so I had no idea what was happening to me.
Ah okay, I never experienced that growing up, only depression and slight moodyness because of the way I looked at the world due to my borderline.
Many people with bipolar like myself are originally diagnosed as having major depression. Part of the reason why this happens is because most people don't report mania since it feels good and/or they don't recognize it as being problematic. This was definitely the case for me. Mania felt great, but I also didn't know what it was, so I had no idea what was happening to me.
Ah okay, I never experienced that growing up, only depression and slight moodyness because of the way I looked at the world due to my borderline.
BipolarPrincess
05-14-2009, 01:01 AM
BipolarPrincess,
It's still possible to have bipolar even if you don't become full blown manic. People with BPII experience hypomania (mild mania) and severe depression while people with cyclothymia experience mild hypomania and mild depression.
Well, I dont have Bipolar I then, and I don't have cyclothymia. Maybe I have BipolarII....It's so hard for me to remember things growing up. I know I was always depressed, but there were happy points too I recall..I don't really know if it was 'hypomania' though. SO frustrating.
It's still possible to have bipolar even if you don't become full blown manic. People with BPII experience hypomania (mild mania) and severe depression while people with cyclothymia experience mild hypomania and mild depression.
Well, I dont have Bipolar I then, and I don't have cyclothymia. Maybe I have BipolarII....It's so hard for me to remember things growing up. I know I was always depressed, but there were happy points too I recall..I don't really know if it was 'hypomania' though. SO frustrating.
dreams in neon
05-14-2009, 01:04 AM
Ah okay, I never experienced that growing up, only depression and slight moodyness because of the way I looked at the world due to my borderline.
I should also add that bipolar can become worse if left untreated as one ages.
My pdoc and tdoc think I've had bipolar since age 20. The attending pdoc who treated me while IP in 2006 thinks I've had bipolar for many, many years.
My bipolar symptoms became worse over time because I wasn't medicated.
I can see definite patterns in how my bipolar developed because in 1991 I was more depressed than manic.
By 2006, I was more manic than depressed.
12 months later, I started rapid cycling.
As you can see, my bipolar changed over the years and is considered "severe" according to my pdoc and tdoc.
I should also add that bipolar can become worse if left untreated as one ages.
My pdoc and tdoc think I've had bipolar since age 20. The attending pdoc who treated me while IP in 2006 thinks I've had bipolar for many, many years.
My bipolar symptoms became worse over time because I wasn't medicated.
I can see definite patterns in how my bipolar developed because in 1991 I was more depressed than manic.
By 2006, I was more manic than depressed.
12 months later, I started rapid cycling.
As you can see, my bipolar changed over the years and is considered "severe" according to my pdoc and tdoc.
BipolarPrincess
05-14-2009, 01:12 AM
I should also add that bipolar can become worse if left untreated as one ages.
My pdoc and tdoc think I've had bipolar since age 20. The attending pdoc who treated me while IP in 2006 thinks I've had bipolar for many, many years.
My bipolar symptoms became worse over time because I wasn't medicated.
I can see definite patterns in how my bipolar developed because in 1991 I was more depressed than manic.
By 2006, I was more manic than depressed.
12 months later, I started rapid cycling.
As you can see, my bipolar changed over the years and is considered "severe" according to my pdoc and tdoc.
I was orginally diagnosed with bipolar at age 13. He showed me the little chart how moods go up and down, but I really don't think he listened to me or understood me enough to make that diagnosis. I was on AD's all my life with no mood stabilizer and never went manic. Nor hypomanic that I can recall.
My pdoc and tdoc think I've had bipolar since age 20. The attending pdoc who treated me while IP in 2006 thinks I've had bipolar for many, many years.
My bipolar symptoms became worse over time because I wasn't medicated.
I can see definite patterns in how my bipolar developed because in 1991 I was more depressed than manic.
By 2006, I was more manic than depressed.
12 months later, I started rapid cycling.
As you can see, my bipolar changed over the years and is considered "severe" according to my pdoc and tdoc.
I was orginally diagnosed with bipolar at age 13. He showed me the little chart how moods go up and down, but I really don't think he listened to me or understood me enough to make that diagnosis. I was on AD's all my life with no mood stabilizer and never went manic. Nor hypomanic that I can recall.