Hello, I am posting here because I'm suspecting I might be bipolar or have some other mental disorder.

I'm female and 22 years old.

Basically, I did a lot of reading on the topic (this forum and other websites) and it seems like a very possible explanation of my problems. I don't know how much of the things i'm going to mention is part of my character and how much are symptoms. My story here will be orientated around things that I compare to symptoms I read about.

Please note that I've never been to a doctor about this because I have problems expressing my emotions openly and especially in front of the stranger. I was also worried that either that person won't take me seriously and say nothing's wrong with me, won't understand me or simply won't be able to help me. But I came to the point in my life where I can't keep it like this any linger, because it will destroy me, so I decided to ask opinion whether you think I might be bipolar and therefore bite the bullet and go see someone and make my life easier. I don't want to be one of the hypochondriacs.

So where to start...

As a child I hated going to the kindergarten, I could never get friends and I would always lie down on the floor, somewhere in the corner, put my ear on the carpet and disappear to some other world, only contact with reality would be vibrations and distant sounds I could hear through the floor.

All the way through the childhood I was disobedient - not on purpose, I wasn't naughty child - but I would somehow always disregard and forget about the rules they would tell me. I would be too busy exploring unusual places outside, wondering around. I think that lead some family members to think I'm a bit 'slow' and treat me that way.

I had problems in school, what with changing them often, having problems catching up, always being the last to copy from the black board, always forgeting what we had for the homework...My mum always had to call my classmates and ask them if we had anything for the homework.

Also my own aunt told my mum she can't babysit me anymore, because I'd make her kids go wild and non-compliant, mostly through the games.

Even as a kid, I was more mature than my peers, e.g. I was aware of our bad financial situation and I'd keep telling my mother thar I'm sorry she has me and that I'm a burden. I still have a sense of duty, that I owe her.
Around the age of 8 I developed an awful fear of death, I'd scream and cry when my mother was going to work because of the fear she'll have an accident. Also, around that period I got this idea in my head that my mother is taking drugs and I was secretly testing her by asking some silly questions.

I was aware of the things around me, in the world and in my play time with Barbie dolls, my dolls weren't going to the shopping centre or the beach - they were drug addicts, teen mothers and good souls helping to save the world. You can guess that scenario wasn't really popular with my friends...My mum tells me I was so involved in my story that I would ignore anyone else and I could play by myself for hours. I was enjoying watching films, drawing, painting and being with animals.

At the age of 12-13 I got depressed and fear of death came back. I couldn't see my future and at one point I was even writing my last will...

At the age of 16 I got OCD (again, it's self-diagnosed, but it's a textbook example, so I have no doubts.) I thought I was going mad. I was switching lights on and off, locking and unlocking doors, opening and closing water taps, covering/uncovering my blanket...At first I was solving it by hitting head or smashing fist into something or putting hand under steaming water if I was close to it, to make myself stop. I was always late for the school in the morning because of the all the process. After some time I learned a way to get rid of obsessive thoughts: I put the thought in an imaginative bubble and send it flying into the chest which I mentally locked afterwords. I also had 'exits': code words that I was supposed to say loudly and promptly move away from the place I was standing at, and that would break the stream of my obsessive thoughts. I keep it under control now, but it surfaces when I'm under the stress.

I wrote all this just to prove you I did not imagine OCD...I knew something was wrong and I was determined to find out what, so I researched online and found books...that way I found out that I'm dyslexic and dyscalculic, too.

I don't know why, I've been very sensitive on animals. If I see a dead animal or hear something gross that has been done to one, I want to curl up and cry, bash my head onto the wall or just pass out. Interesting, on the funeral of a close family member I couldn't shed the tear...And when everyone else is happy I feel sad. I hate birthdays, new years, holidays, parties....I have a feeling I have misplaced emotions. At parties and other social gatherings, I usually sit in the corner and observe people. Sometimes in a larger group I feel need to run away and I often do, without telling anyone. The need to be left alone can be so strong that makes me snappy and shouting at people. Often I feel uncomfortable even speaking to my best friends, if it's not my good day, I have a feeling I need to pretend to be myself as they know me. Same reason as why I don't want to have my photo taken sometimes. Because at that time I don't feel like myself and that photograph wouldn't really be me.

I often come out as rude and intolerant, but that's because I'm a bit socially dysfunctional. I hate fake pleasantries, forced small talks, people pretending to be something they are not. I don't want to pretend and play social games. I am especially bothered by passive-agressive approach, because it's not direct and open and I don't know how to react so I get upset and accumulate anger. I just tell things bluntly. I hate flirting and trying to talk to new people at meetings.

I get distracted easily and in conversation I get off the tangent, wanting to speak about certain topic but remember something else that is (sometimes only in my head) related to the topic we talk about. I guess it's a bit hectic. In one hour I can go through over 50 topics. I think some people find it hard to be with me. In chatty mood I am loud and want to talk all the time, really fast and trying to capture everyone's attention.

I love music and have different songs for different moods. Music comforts me, cheers me up, calms me down and gives me energy and optimism. It's very personal and emotional.

Also, I love writing and always have notepad and a pen with me. But that can cause me frustrations sometimes because my thoughts seem to go too fast for me to catch them and write them down. I get most 'productive' during the night or when I'm alone with my thoughts. Usually in the bed, which then results in the being up all night, brain working like mad, not wanting to slow down and my hand scribbling. I have to write so fast that sometimes I don't understand my handwriting.

I was suffering from insomnia since childhood and I could go on without sleep for 3 days, functioning normally. But I'd also have periods of hypersomnia, 14-16 hrs of sleep wouldn't be enough and I'd still feel tired.

Anxious dreams are a constant - I can remember only 2 'happy' dreams in my whole life, which oddly enough, were sexual. I can even see the symbolism in some of them, reflecting my current situations and a state of mind and emotions. My dreams are little films (few of them in one night sometimes) and can be so real and strong that they affect me emotionally all day long.

I often get excited about some idea and was always known among friends as 'enthusiastic', the one who always organised things and set things to motion. Buit when my enthusiasm and idea weren't met with equal feelings I suddenly drop everything and don't want to see anyone.

Sometimes I want to be around people but not interact with them. Or I arrange an appointment with people and then in the last moment want to cancel it.

I often amuse myself and giggle at my own thoughts, creating little scenarios in my head. When I'm upset I hug myself (even unconsciously) and rock back and forth or left to right. I have restless feel, knees bouncing, picking at my nails...

I see little details that some people around me don't and I enjoy visual, audio and tactile stimulans. Sometimes little things can make me happy, like piece of chocolate or cute kitten, smilies in IM chat, buying something I was fixated on for a while and simply HAD to buy it although I don't need it...but some things other people consider important can leave me impassive.

There's always a feeling of constant underlaying thread of sadness that is occasionaly interrupted by moments of excitement or emotional breakdowns.

I make timetables and lists of things i need to do and accomplish in certain period, and of course, when i fail I feel like total failure.

I often help people, even strangers, sometimes on my own damage, but can't help it, I feel guilty if I don't. I can't take compliments easily, I have a feeling they are all a lie and misguiding me.

My mood changes can be seen in my writing and walking: when high, I write long sentences, forgetting about commas and full stops, putting lots of exclamation marks and smilies; when low, they are short, simple, flat, without emotions. For walking: when high, I bounce, jump, practically dance on the street, dragging people with me, talking a lot along the way; when low, I walk next to the wall, head down, trying not to look people in the face.

Physically, I have thyroid problems, slight addiction to chocolate, weird pains I cannot locate and sometimes I feel my heart racing for unkown reason.

There are also uncontrollable fits of laughter and giggles but can also get sad and teary a minute after laughing. In the middle of night out with my friends or walking down the street.

I had 2-3 visits to psychologists, once in elementary, once in high school and once at uni. First time I didn't talk about any specific problems but I don't know why, I started crying. I didn't feel particularly sad.
Second time was after I got OCD sympthoms and I dared to go and visit school psychologist but I didn't know how to start explaining the problem without sounding crazy so I started with some problems on the side, the causes of my worry and the woman said she gets annoyed by kids like me coming over to bother her with stuff like that. I never wanted to go to talk to someone again.
And then last year, I had some kind of a voluntary course and a psychologist was holding it and he mentioned that bad dreams were a sign of some problems and he gave me the number of his colleague, so I went. We talked for maybe an hour, and mostly about my family and relationships with people and by the end of the session she told me I am very wise young person and that I should go and see a therapist one day, when I have money...that was the first and only time I went to visit her.

I'm full of contrasts and undefinition: I don't have a favourite colour, song, film, food...i love day and night, rain and sun, being alone and with people, I'm loud and quiet, often smiling girl who sometimes spends days in the dark, crying in the bed...
On bad days, one little thing can make me cry and see everything else totally black and hopeless. I feel like I want to curl up and die or jump out of the window. But in the morning, if sun is shining and birds are singing, all's fine! I don't like noise, flashing lights and intrusive people...Because of such social tendencies I thought I might be highly autistic as I worked with autistic children and read many books on the topic, also spoke to specialists...but that didn't explain moods and emotions.

Also, my personality changes every now and then, like a snake's skin. I just slip into something new. But mostly inside, my attitude, personal stands, preferences, plans...

Oh phew, this was long, I hope I didn't bore you.

Well, if it's not bipolarity or some other mental disorder, then...I have one crappy & messy personality that drives me insane and will leave me isolated from friends and people.

Thank you in advance for reading this and replying.
Hey there,

I just read your post and find myself identifying completely with everything you have listed. We have ALOT in common. I would love to talk to you in detail about the things you are experiencing and have experienced in the past. (deleted). I just want to let you know first and foremost that you aren't alone in this.