Daddy is still with us. I went in at 6am and turned him, washed his face and head. I bathed and powdered him. I hadn't shaved him for 2 days and I knew that if he knew that, he would be horrified, so I shaved him and used those little pink sponges on a stick to wet his mouth and lips. I talked to him, told him again how much I love him and how it really ok to go be with mom.

He cannot respond, of course. But there is nothing in this world that could convince me that he did no hear me.

By the way - you know that old adage that speaks of the "rule of 3s"? You cannot survive more than 3 minutes without air, 3 days without water and 3 weeks without food? It's wrong. Daddy has had no liquids at all since last Wednesday. Five days ago.

Hang on to my towels, friends. I am here alone as dh is at work, Patrick and Jodi are at her house. I am going through this alternately hysterically and numbly. Right this second, I am numb. It won't last, but I appreciate the fact that the waterworks have shut down for the time being.

Thank you all for lifting daddy up in prayer. He will be dancing to "Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White" with momma soon enough. What a great moment that will be for him - and her. She's been waiting since September 10, 2004. She's waited a long time.

...lil' deb

I know your brother has been less than useful in this situation - but has he called to tell Daddy that he'll be OK and that it's alright for him to move on?

"less than useful" ..that was a tactful say of saying it.
I've wondered about that myself..if he has checked in..oh well.

I read your post this morning, Lil Deb, before I headed out to pick up mom, who was trying to be puny this morning. We got there, opened her blinds, let the light in and then told her to get dressed...that we had places to go and people to see. She did.

But I bring that up because since reading the post this morning I have had that song on my mind...Cherry Pink and Apple Blossom White. I had mom singing it at lunch.....hopefully we sent some good "vibes" your dad's way.
(vibes...that's a term from our day, huh, girls?)

Here's hoping he is dancing to that song with his wife soon.

Breathe, Lil. His little sailboat is almost there...with butterflies leading the way.
Love, Meg

Yes, teapot, I did. I did that Friday. I offered to hold the phone to daddy's ear so he could tell him one last time that he loved him and that he could go now. Bro said that he was driving and talking on his cell phone, and that was illegal, so he had to go now. And he did. He did not call me back...not then, and not now. And as for telling daddy "goodbye"?

My brother declined the opportunity.

...lil' deb

Meg -

I have had that song in my mind for days now. Daddy and momma could really "cut a rug" - oh, how they could dance. Swing, Jitterbug, Country - they were amazing. On daddy's 79th birthday, we took him to a local steak house - dh, me, Patrick, Jodi, Steven...and we did not know that they would have a live band there. They did, and daddy and I danced, alone on the dance floor.

I had no idea it would be our last dance.

But his time is near for him to dance again. With his wife of 58 years. He will be free soon. And I have the feeling that he will go while I am here alone with him. I'm ok. And if that's the way he wants it, that is as it shall be.

...lil' deb

Looks like brother is being a weasel to the last.

His loss, but you can feel better knowing you tried.

L'il Deb...
Bless you, this must be so hard on you.....
Really good of you to give your brother the opportunity to say goodbye to your dad....the choice was his, and the burden of not doing so will also be his. With all our family resentment, two of my grandmothers daughters did not even show up at her funeral.....that is theirs to deal with.
The waiting must be really tough...my grandmother went on for days.....we didnt know when it would happen, no one does. At the time, my mom was there, she had a return flight home booked, which we had to keep "extending"....how do you know what date to change it to? We changed it several times, and then she decided she should just come back, she didnt know how long it would take and she couldnt stay there much longer as she had some medical tests she really needed done. She was due to come back on a Thursday morning.....she called me during the middle of the night to say she "couldnt do it".....she walked into the room, saw grandmas face, and just couldnt leave. So I changed her flight yet again. Thank God she did not come home on that flight for the very next day, only hours later, my grandma passed. How awful it would have been for her to have missed her last breath by a few hours. So Deb, as hard as it is.....you are right there, and it would seem you are destined to share this moment with him, or at least this "time".....it is a blessing to be with him right now....you have cared for him so lovingly, it is only fitting this is the last part of it all. It's been a long road for both you and him......you both need some peace.

Keeping you always in my thoughts and prayers....
Love, Caroline xo

Okay all you people who absolutely love Hospice. Where the heck are these people while all this is going on. Don't they come and see the families pain and help them. How can our Lil Deb be there all on her own.

Lil Deb

Call your priest, minister someone from the church! You should not be in the house alone. If you are, please play some music or something to help you.
all you are doing (and I see you) is pacing, pacing and pacing some more. Picking up this and putting that here -- leave the lint alone!

And what is DH's job that he can't be there with you during this time?
And for brother -- you have to get on the phone and tell him that you are not the only child this man has and he better suck it up!!!

i'm sick of everyone who won't speak up for themselves. Dang nabit! -- speak up and say your mind -- if someone gets angry over hearing the way it is, well that's just too bad -- you'll feel so much better for it.

I'm sure when he's gone, brother will be calling to see what money there is.
sorry but I've seen death bring out the worse in families. Oh and speaking about family . . .

DGabriel10
did you finally sell Dad and Mom's place. You had a buyer pending cleaning it out and you did that. Did you sell it?

Love
your big-mouthed
CaringSister54

Good advice from Diane. Surely someone from the church would come and sit with you?

At the NH were Mom was, a hospice nurse sat with Mom all the night before and all day the day she died at 6 PM. She had in fact sent my brother and sister in law home for a few hours sleep when Mom passed. It didn't matter - she was not alone.

I was still here. Mom had rallied the day before, sat up, asked for food. I thought, wow, this is great, now I can stay here until my company from Germany goes back on Jan 7.

As it turned out Mom died the next day (Dec 29) and I flew to NY on Jan 7 to attend the funeral.

It was sad but not terrible to have missed the hour of her death -- we knew it was coming soon, we knew she was comfortable and the Hospice nurse was with her, we knew she had been unconscoius for many hours and not likely to wake up again ... it was OK. I never felt guilty about missing her actual death.

I think the many years I lived with her and many times I went to NY to visit her in the NH made up for that. My brother agrees.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinions on these matters.

We each do only the best we can .

I pray it goes quickly now, dear Li'l Deb.

Love,
Martha

My dh is home. He worked 5-2 today, and is here with me. Jodi and Patrick came home, and good friends were here, and they took Patrick with them. He wants it that way.

I am no longer alone.

I hope I am not being gross, or too descriptive, but there is little question that we are on a super short time here. Daddy's legs are purple. He is breathing once every 30 seconds, and his pulse is almost imperceptible. Now that friends left, and dh is here, and son is at friend's, I am more at peace knowing that it will just be me and my husband here.

You were correct, caring. I was pacing. Picking things up. Putting them away. I made brownies. Mopped floor. Didn't think to turn on music or tv. Just waiting. And now that we are at the precipice, I am so glad everyone is gone.

I was wondering, actually, why hospice did not stay today. They gave me the "minutes to hours" prognosis, then left. I was ok with that - I know they have other people to see. But it was a pretty lonely time. But I am a big kid now, and I have my big girl panties firmly pulled up.

See, I have come this far with daddy. Almost 5 years. And I have loved him so hard. It is only fitting that he should pass with me right by him. And that's where I will be. If it's 10 minutes or (God forbid) 10 hours - I will be right here with him.

As far as my brother goes, I will call him when daddy dies. Not one moment before. And if he wants to know what money there is, the answer is that he got his when daddy gave him $7500 over the space of a year. I will get very much less than that. VERY much less. So, no checks will be written with his name on it. And if he doesn't like it, he can sue me. He is not my favorite person right now. He is the one that must live with himself. I know what I have done. And he knows what HE has done, too. We all must live with ourselves when the day is done. I wish him peace. I hope he can find it.

This will bring to an end my relationship with my brother. He and I had no contact for like 30 years. I ended the stand off because I called him when we moved daddy here and I told him to "strap on a set" (pardon the vulgarity), grow the hell up and speak to his father. After a few of those calls, he did. Then we flew him out here, twice or three times. At our expense. Since his last $4k check, he has not called, emailed or written. Oh wait. He did answer a couple of emails from me. With one or two lines. Big freaking deal.

So he has shown me his colors all my life. And when dad is gone, I am afraid I don't have room in my life for his bullsh*t. And since he could not tell our father goodbye, or I love you, well...I have little respect.

I will keep you all posted.

...lil' deb

And that's it for the brother.... this is your time and your dad's time. You do it your way. You know what you have done and you have no regrets. So stay the course, staye strong, and know we are all there with you in spirit. The thoughts and prayers and towels keep coming your day.... soon the butterflies will be free :)

Love, deb

You sound more at peace. And you are not alone. Good...Til tomorrow if he makes it that long. And, no, I don't think you are being too graphic...well, not for me at least.

As for the Hospice people, tell them your needs.

I was thinking that if the time comes when my mom is in that situation..where we are all waiting, I will play Big Band Music for her...let her leave here with the music she loved. In my car I play a Tommy Dorsey CD for her...she loves it and it calms her.

And my mom and dad also could really "cut a rug". It was always a joy for me to watch them. After he died she married another man who could also dance..I told her that it was unfair. I have had two husbands and neither one could dance! And I LOVE dancing.

Every Tuesday night my mom and step dad would dance in their living room.
(pretty funny that they had a schedule for it :D )
And since I lived across the street from them I would pull up a chair to my front window and watch them. Simple joys.

Speaking of being with people near death...my father lay dying in a hospital after his heart attack. I sat with him for hours til he finally told me to go home to be with my baby for awhile. He said then I could come back later. I listented to him. He died before I got home. To this day I think he was protecting me by not dying in front of me. But back then I was still a baby..20 years old. Today I could handle it, back then, maybe not. He knew, I think.

Dads.

Love, Meg

I agree with Martha.....when my mom was with my grandmother, she was very fortunate to be with her for her passing. But things dont always work out that way....she could not have stayed weeks longer if it had worked out that way. We cannot all be there when our loved ones pass....it would be nice, but it doesnt always happen. Never in a million years would I ever have imagined I would not attend my grandmothers funeral, but how could I know she would be dying as I gave birth to my son, and pass away exactly one week later. I felt badly I could not be there, but not guilty. She always knew how much I loved her....and I believe when people pass they take that love from their families with them......
L'il Deb, as hard as this is, it is a blessing to be able to be with your dad.....you will look back on it and be glad it happened this way. I know that's hard to see right now.
You know we are here with you through this really difficult time. And Deb, I know you have your "big girl panties" pulled up high, but it's okay to let out your emotions you know.....you love him so much.....dont keep everything inside......

Love, Caroline xo

Meg,
I believe that also with people nearing death.......
My friends mom was ill for a very long time, years.......and when it was near her "time" to pass.....she waited for her mother and sisters to arrive from Italy. Her whole family was in the room with her, and at 3am.....it just so happened that her youngest son went downstairs for a few minutes only to get a coffee and then she passed. It also was like she waited for him to leave the room to protect him.
My uncle also who passed from a brain tumor....was in a coma-like state when he passed. He had a very aggressive tumor and at the end "should" have been in extreme pain. He was hooked up to morphine and my aunt was able to administer when it seemed he was in pain. For the last hours he did not need any.....no one will tell me differently that it wasnt the Lord coming to take him home and there was no more need for medical relief.....he was not alone. Even though he did not open his eyes or speak, at one point, my mother leaned over, and whispered "here are "9" kisses on the cheek from each of your brothers and sisters, and "1" from your mother and all of a sudden a tear rolled down his cheek.......so powerful, so sad...and so final. Hard to talk about even years later. But he is with God, and our family passed on, and now grandma has reunited with them.....they are in a better place than the rest of us.....

Knowing that makes it "acceptable"....but still not easy......

Death is never an easy thing. Be it when we're there seeing it ourselves, or when they are no one near us. Whether it be as fast as my Mikey or long drawn out affairs like my mother, Carsam's grandmother and/or Lil Deb's Dad.

But it is our divine purpose to go through the cycle of life. Some get to do it all over again as angels. I had a personal one on one fast conversation with a stranger in a hospital chapel one time and I swear he was an angel sent by God for that situation because he was gone as fast as he appeared.

I'm just sorry that it seems that Lil Deb is in her house alone. She's got to make calls! We're here for her but we're not there!

CaringSister54