I am a female who has been married for 32 years. I got married when I was very young, we have 3 beautifull children. We have had a good and happy life over the years, to me it always was the perfect life and marriage.
Over time I found that my husband was cheating on me. There may have been a time where he was involved with someone. I did not know how to handle this because to me marriage is a one time thing. I take my marriage vows very seriously.This ended and things where fine for a while then in the last 2 years I find that it has started all over again. My husband is on overseas posting most of the time and I spend most of my time with him. I come home for very short periods to do what needs to be done at home and go back to where ever my husband is.

Our sex life is not the best. I enjoy sex but my husband unfortunatly has problems. I would like to have sex much more than we do.

2 years ago I found messages on my husbands phone from a girl, it was very clear that he had given her a great amount of money and she said that she would do all these things with him. I packed up and left but returned after 2 days. Just last week I found somemore messages on my husbands phone this is with another girl where my husband is clearly asking to meet up with her he has also got her bank account number on his phone he has given her money and asked her if she needesd more money. This girl is overseas where we last where. This last incident has broken me totally until I dont know what to do anymore. I have found that he has Viagra hidden in various places and I know they are not to be used on me.

I am at my lowest at this very moment. He has robbed me of everything I ever had. I have been thinking of leaving him, but I love him because he has been good to me. This is making things so very difficult for me. I think I should get out but everytime I think about it I feel so sick I have these anxiety attacks and feel as if I am going to die. I really think that he will be the death of me. I have confronted my husband about this and we have had it out, he insists that he loves me and that I have read the messages on his phone in the wrong context. Of course he will never admit the truth to me.
He has made me feel unattractive, which I know I am not but I have lost all my self esteem. I dont know what to do anymore, this whole thing has affected my health so much I feel like dying so not to have to suffer anymore of this pain. I have no one to turn too. Everyone thinks we have the perfect marriage. I have told him that our marriagec is nothing but a sham. He has robbed me of feeling good about myself, he has made me feel like a looser. I dont know what to do anymore I feel so betrayed and am feeling so down and broken hearted.

I suppose you are in your late forties or early fifties. If you have looked after yourself in terms of health - and I presume you have done so - then I'd say you are in your prime. I think this is the best time for a woman, while it may not be the same for a man. I don't think your husband has properly looked after himself. And if he is really having affairs with these girls, then of course he is putting himself and you at great risk. You don't know for sure, but the proofs you have are solid enough. Please put yourself first in this case. Apparently you have respected this marriage, but he hasn't. What is the value of his love if there is no respect? Unless he joins you again in the salvation of your marriage - and transparence is the key for the relationship - you should try and move on with your life. Stand up, wipe out your tears and tell yourself that you are able to make it alone, even if it looks terrifying at the beginning. Open yourself with your children, in particular if you have a daughter, and then seek legal advice on what to do.

I'd get a good lawyer, find out what your rights are, divorce him and take him to the cleaners........

QUOTE: "I am at my lowest at this very moment. He has robbed me of everything I ever had. I have been thinking of leaving him, but I love him because he has been good to me"

I'm confused that you would say you're having trouble leaving because as you put it, "hes been so good to me". From what you've written he has been anything but good to you. This man has cheated on you several times, broken your trust and has given your money to another women.

Often women will look at the times when a man has been good to us in a relationship -when he was a "nice guy" and somehow that negates the hell that a man has put us through. This is not a one-time thing - he's a serial cheater. This is his pattern - he wants you and other women.

Talk to a therapist and try to sort this out. You need to find out why why you won't demand the respect that you deserve. He will not change. If you keep taking a man back the keeps cheating on you then in his mind he has no reason to change. He knows that you will endure and put up with it.

This is about your self esteem and self worth. Women will endure the worst in a man's behavior if they feel they don't deserve to be treated with respect.

I'd say you are in a state of shock at the moment as the reality of your husband being a serial cheater has finally sunk in.

It's going to be difficult distancing yourself from the emotions you are feeling and the cold hard facts of the situation.

I agree with Pendulum, you ought to confide in your children or perhaps if you have a sister? I gather your children are all grown up and living their own lives? I don't feel you ought to go through this alone and carrying the mental thoughts which you are carrying alone. You do need to speak to someone.

To get you over the worst emotional fears you can visit your doctor and for a few months go on a light dose anti depressant or something to help calm you so that you can think straight.

Something does need to come of this. You can't go on living this way and waiting for his next affair, wondering where he is, who he's with, who he's giving money to. It's not good for your over all health to be sitting at home wondering when his next affair will surface.

It's normal for most of us to look back at the times our partner was 'good' to us. We visualise and feel all those happy and nice moments and they override the bad things which are going on now. In reality, you ought to be focusing on the bad, this makes us angry and makes us take action.

I went through the same thing when i had to leave my husband. I saw no future staying, i'd taken every avenue possible in helping our marriage, but he wouldn't meet me half way so i had to leave. It was the best thing i did. At the time i was scared as hell. I felt as though i was standing on the edge of a cliff and had to jump. Once you take the first step and leave it's like this amazing calm washed over me.

At the end of the day it's your choice and you know what you can and can't do, but you do need to face reality and realise that he wont change. I don't think he's just into the affairs with other women, he could be into forms of sex which the two of you haven't been inclined to perform together. Who knows what fetishes he has. This is no excuse and the fact he's lying to you and not being honest about why he needs to do this with other women when you are more than willing is enough to ring alarm bells.

Can you get some counselling? and if things get so bad that you can't cope, you will need to speak to someone or get some temporary medication. There are good things out there which are non addictive. I was on some antidepressants for about 4 months due to not being able to sleep or eat at all. It calmed me, enabled me to get sleep and brought back an appetite. When you are calmer you can think more straight too. Best wishes :)

Thank you all for your advise.
It feels good to have talked about my problem and to have got back some advise.

I was at my lowest 3 days ago feeling so very depressed and I knew that I could not hold it in for any longer so I talked to 2 of my very close friends. They both gave me a lot of support which really helped me to know they would both be there to help me in any way.

Yesterday I packed my bags and was ready to leave the house when my husband stopped me. He said to me please dont leave, I told him that I had to leave as I could not go on living this way any longer.

We talked about our problem and how I feel. He replies by saying to me that he has the highest respect for me and that he loves me more than I will ever know.

He then came up to me ang hugged me very tight and he cried so much, saying that he was so very, very sorry and kept on asking me for forgivness.

I am not trying to make excuses here but he is a good man, and he also has a very good heart. This is why its all so difficult for me.

I will never really understand men. They talk about peer pressure and having to take clients out and having to entertain them and have girls with them on their nights out. He tells me that I would be shocked because even the men that I look up too also do this. We are both from different cultures and he says he that it could be different where I come from. But I also know many of the wifes of the men he is talking about and I know for a fact that alot of these wifes dont enjoy sex, they dont mind their husbands fooling around as long as they come back home to them and give them the money to live the life that they are acustomed to. But I am not like these wifes I have too much for respect for a marriage and take the meaning of marriage very seriously.

What would any of you do in this situation ? I dont know if I am right or wrong anymore.

So, does it mean, although he loves you and respects you, he will keep seeing these girls, because "that is what men do"?

That is exactly what keeps going through my mind. I am so confussed over the whole thing. What am suppost to do or think.
I do not and will never support that type of thing. It goes against all my principals and what I belive in.

The same question here............what is your husband going to do???

By your original post, it doesn't sound as though your husband is simply having women there when they take clients out for dinner, sounds like your husband is having a full blown affair.

I do know that when overseas clients or high profile clients are taken out to dinner they are then often taken out to a bar, a show, strip club or karaoke, whatever the client wants. The client might get involved in these things, but the man taking the client out isn't required to get 100% involved in these activities. He can be a watcher on the side, but just because a client goes off with a prostitute or gets a lap dance etc etc doesn't mean a man like your husband has to also. Now i know it can be awfully tempting for a man, but surely he realises he has a wife at home who wants to have sex with him, but he appears to be the one who has the sexual issues as you stated that you found viagra hidden.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that it's one thing to take clients out, but another for your husband to start a full blown affair where he gives the woman his pesonal contact details, allows her to text his mobile and he's also putting money in her bank account.

Your husband is likely mortified that he's been caught out and that you had actually gone to the step of packing your bags and leaving. I think he is more sorry for himself, sorry that he got caught out, sorry that he loses a supportive wife by his side, one who will always be there to make sure everything in the home is running smoothly, a respectable woman he can take to company functions, a woman who fits in with his work profile and with your friends, whereas the woman he's having the affair with isn't the type he would take to visit friends and company functions.

I personally feel he wants the respectable wife at home and the nice and uncomplicated homelife and personal life, while on the other hand he enjoys having these secret affairs on the side. Having these affairs he gets variety, he possibly also gets to explore sexual avenues he thinks you wont enjoy exploring or he feels embarrassed asking you to do certain sexual acts. Maybe he thinks you are too 'nice' for certain sexual acts and feels only these women he picks up are fine to do these other things with. The other option is that he might be a sex addict.

At the end of the day you wont know whether he's being honest or not. You need to ask lots of questions as to why he doesn't request sex with you when you are willing, yet he's out having sex with these women. What is the difference, why them and not you?

I'm glad you have a some friends who you can rely on for help and i'm so proud that you even packed your bags. He knows you are serious. He might get scared and reform or he might simply hide his affairs much better.

Good luck. I think you will need to be strong.

...

I'm glad you have a some friends who you can rely on for help and i'm so proud that you even packed your bags. He knows you are serious. He might get scared and reform or he might simply hide his affairs much better.

Good luck. I think you will need to be strong.

Well, if someone is in the wrong in this case, it is him, not her. So why should she pack her bags and leave? It is him who should pack his and leave. Don't you agree...?

I think he's lying. He realized he was caught and made up this convoluted story about what's going on so you'd be appeased, barely. He knows darn well he's a slimeball but he's afraid you'll try to get a divorce and take him to the cleaner's so he is going to make up any story to get you to stay.

Personally I wouldn't buy it and I wouldn't put up with it. I don't know what you should do but I sure know what I would do. I don't think you need to put up with being the complacent and submissive wifey back home who just puts up withher husband's indiscretions. I think it's a huge shame when women don't put their foot down and do whatever they need to do to put a stop to that behavior.

I thought the fact lost58 had packed her bags and was going to leave was a good idea as it made a strong statement. Staying with him makes him feel that he has won or that he has convinced her of his 'story'. Seeing a woman pack her bags and leave makes a lot of men sit up and notice and makes the situation very real.

Sometimes it's easier to be the one to leave than wait for the other person to leave. I was in that situation myself and my ex husband used to say he'd be the one to move out, but he never did a thing about it and kept trying to buy time. In the end it was far simpler to remove myself from the situation by leaving. Staying in my particular situation was emotionally and psychologically draining and damaging.

Some women do get all their partner's belongings and dump them out the front of the house and change the locks so he can't get back in, but i'm not one for making scenes and majority of women aren't into that type of behaviour. Must be very empowering though :D

I thought the fact lost58 had packed her bags and was going to leave was a good idea as it made a strong statement. Staying with him makes him feel that he has won or that he has convinced her of his 'story'. Seeing a woman pack her bags and leave makes a lot of men sit up and notice and makes the situation very real.

Sometimes it's easier to be the one to leave than wait for the other person to leave. I was in that situation myself and my ex husband used to say he'd be the one to move out, but he never did a thing about it and kept trying to buy time. In the end it was far simpler to remove myself from the situation by leaving. Staying in my particular situation was emotionally and psychologically draining and damaging.

Some women do get all their partner's belongings and dump them out the front of the house and change the locks so he can't get back in, but i'm not one for making scenes and majority of women aren't into that type of behaviour. Must be very empowering though :D


You are right. You can't expect that some husbands in the wrong will have the dignity to do it.

I am glad that there are always people out there who will listen and advise.

As I have said before things have been very difficult of late for me. But I am so much more determined now than ever, that should I find out that he does something like this to me again I will leave. Painfull as it may be I think it becomes easier over time. There is no trust at all at this present moment and I dont know if there ever will be.

What makes it even harder for me is that over all he has been good to me. So I must for the moment take his word and give our marriage another chance. Our life has been good and happy over the years. We have done many good things together not only as a couple but also as a family, we are all very close to each other.

I had a talk to him 2 days ago and told him. That things will be easier for me in future and that if I pack my bags one more time it will be for good and there will be no looking back for me and he knows I mean it.

Unfortunately both men and women have been very good at leading double lives. One with their real family and one with the person they have the affair with. Often they will over compensate with their real family as a means of covering the guilt they feel for cheating.

He needs to know you have no trust in him, but why does he think you are staying? Does he think you staying has gotten him off the hook? He'll simply be even more crafty at how he goes about having affairs.

If nothing changes in your marriage and he wont have sex with you and you are willing and he's still buying the viagra, well you know full well he's using it on someone else.

Good luck, but seriously i dont envy your situation. It would simply tear me up inside knowing my partner was off with someone else.

But I am so much more determined now than ever, that should I find out that he does something like this to me again I will leave.
That things will be easier for me in future and that if I pack my bags one more time it will be for good and there will be no looking back for me and he knows I mean it.


I don't even know you mean it and I don't think he knows you mean it either.....you're bluffing....he will call your bluff, you watch and see....
why wait until he does it again? he's already done it enough......
you're making an empty threat.....
my advice is to leave now....

You have a point Rose. I agree. I would want to be out of there and distance myself. If i had to stay in that type of situation i'd be on medication due to inability to eat, sleep or function. I know that sounds like over exageration, but seriously i couldn't live like that, especially the 'waiting'.

Lost58, you must be one strong lady and i applaud you. Take care.