cal8
09-23-2003, 07:41 PM
I hope there is someone out there who can help me.
I have copied this to this forum on advice
I have been married to a really wonderful man for 10 years. He took my own children on board as if they were his own, we added another two, and he has provided for, and looked after us all wonderfuly. He is a wonderful father, lover, husband. Sounds to good to be true,yes,well it is.
For 1% of the time he is a totaly different person full of hate and cruelty, he shuts himself away and refuses to talk or even acknowledge me. If i try to press a conversation or even an argument to clear the air he retaliates or leaves. He never tells me really why he does it, or what has displeased him. Over the years there has been a multitude of reasons why he has had one of his MOODS. I have tried everything to please him, i have changed my whole way of life to try to keep him happy, 99% of the time it is great, then BOOM its back. He knows he does it, says he does not know why, tells me after its not me its him.
His father is the same, his mother has put up with it for 33 years, sometimes his father will hide away in his room for weeks (16 weeks the longest) and yet carry on in the world outside as if nothing is wrong.
I have suffered these moods silently because the good times have always greatly out numbered the bad times, but lately things have changed. His moods have become more frequent and more severe. There is no tell tale signs anymore. I used to be able to tell by his face and the iritability that came before the storm that he was brewing up, now no warning. One minute he is involved in a conversation, the next, off he goes to the bedroom and i know he is in a mood. Now I have had to kick him out, he smashed several doors and the pc and went for me. He says the most evil and cruel things to me, or just laughs and seems to get pleasure in my distress. I don't want to loose this man, if i can possibly help him in any way i will.
MOOD CHARACTERISTICS
overreacting to minor disagreements
cannot take critisism, even if done VERY taktfuly
moods if conversation does not include him, or is not something he understands
mood if felt left out
moods if not getting enough attention
moods if under moderate stress (like moving house, even if all organising done by someone else)
moods if i am not at home when he arrives from work
walks out on job for no logical reason
appears to have no consience or caring for those he is hurting when in a mood
total opposit of normal character displayed
totaly ignores EVERYONE around him
angry and violent when pushed to talk
distructive toward anything he considers mine
No one can do anything right,very critical
nags a lot,for minor things, short fuse
expects more from others than he does himself
(do as i say, not as i do)
Intolerence for others behaviour
NORMAL CHARACTER
My husband is quite a shy person until he gets to know you, allthough he has come out of himself a lot since he met me. He is not a great conversationalist unless its something he knows about, and i think he does suffer from a low self esteem, he loves to talk about his work when he has done something good, and i am always praising him..he is honest kind, will do anything for anyone. In the workplace he is adaptable, intuitive, the kind of person everyone goes to for advice, and learns fast..he is a supervisor and great with those under him, earning him a lot of respect. Although his moods can make him critical of others .
if there is anyone out there who can relate to this and help me please reply. He is not perfect when normal, but who is, but he IS everything i have always wanted in a man, who shows me great love and affection...until he snaps.
[This message has been edited by cal8 (edited 09-23-2003).]
I have copied this to this forum on advice
I have been married to a really wonderful man for 10 years. He took my own children on board as if they were his own, we added another two, and he has provided for, and looked after us all wonderfuly. He is a wonderful father, lover, husband. Sounds to good to be true,yes,well it is.
For 1% of the time he is a totaly different person full of hate and cruelty, he shuts himself away and refuses to talk or even acknowledge me. If i try to press a conversation or even an argument to clear the air he retaliates or leaves. He never tells me really why he does it, or what has displeased him. Over the years there has been a multitude of reasons why he has had one of his MOODS. I have tried everything to please him, i have changed my whole way of life to try to keep him happy, 99% of the time it is great, then BOOM its back. He knows he does it, says he does not know why, tells me after its not me its him.
His father is the same, his mother has put up with it for 33 years, sometimes his father will hide away in his room for weeks (16 weeks the longest) and yet carry on in the world outside as if nothing is wrong.
I have suffered these moods silently because the good times have always greatly out numbered the bad times, but lately things have changed. His moods have become more frequent and more severe. There is no tell tale signs anymore. I used to be able to tell by his face and the iritability that came before the storm that he was brewing up, now no warning. One minute he is involved in a conversation, the next, off he goes to the bedroom and i know he is in a mood. Now I have had to kick him out, he smashed several doors and the pc and went for me. He says the most evil and cruel things to me, or just laughs and seems to get pleasure in my distress. I don't want to loose this man, if i can possibly help him in any way i will.
MOOD CHARACTERISTICS
overreacting to minor disagreements
cannot take critisism, even if done VERY taktfuly
moods if conversation does not include him, or is not something he understands
mood if felt left out
moods if not getting enough attention
moods if under moderate stress (like moving house, even if all organising done by someone else)
moods if i am not at home when he arrives from work
walks out on job for no logical reason
appears to have no consience or caring for those he is hurting when in a mood
total opposit of normal character displayed
totaly ignores EVERYONE around him
angry and violent when pushed to talk
distructive toward anything he considers mine
No one can do anything right,very critical
nags a lot,for minor things, short fuse
expects more from others than he does himself
(do as i say, not as i do)
Intolerence for others behaviour
NORMAL CHARACTER
My husband is quite a shy person until he gets to know you, allthough he has come out of himself a lot since he met me. He is not a great conversationalist unless its something he knows about, and i think he does suffer from a low self esteem, he loves to talk about his work when he has done something good, and i am always praising him..he is honest kind, will do anything for anyone. In the workplace he is adaptable, intuitive, the kind of person everyone goes to for advice, and learns fast..he is a supervisor and great with those under him, earning him a lot of respect. Although his moods can make him critical of others .
if there is anyone out there who can relate to this and help me please reply. He is not perfect when normal, but who is, but he IS everything i have always wanted in a man, who shows me great love and affection...until he snaps.
[This message has been edited by cal8 (edited 09-23-2003).]
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SusanGene
09-25-2003, 09:59 PM
Hi. You say, He says the most evil and cruel things to me, or just laughs and seems to get pleasure in my distress.
I couldn't take it. I hate to say this but I think you're making light of a major personality disorder. I don't know the name of it but I do know that , regardless of the "good side" of this man the bad would cancel it out. My poor Nervous System dealt with a man who would Spring into cruelty at a moment's notice and he ended up bruising me. Even before this I was starting to detest him. And, what a charmer and success this man is ! So popular, so funny, so educated ! But he turned into a demon at 45 and I left him. I am now married to a Normal Man whose moods are level. I could "take" the other guy when I was young but when I hit forty? Nope; he was too stressful to live with. Maybe you could speak to a psychiatrist? I bet they've had patients like your husband and could explain this to you and help. Good Luck,
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Susan Gene
I couldn't take it. I hate to say this but I think you're making light of a major personality disorder. I don't know the name of it but I do know that , regardless of the "good side" of this man the bad would cancel it out. My poor Nervous System dealt with a man who would Spring into cruelty at a moment's notice and he ended up bruising me. Even before this I was starting to detest him. And, what a charmer and success this man is ! So popular, so funny, so educated ! But he turned into a demon at 45 and I left him. I am now married to a Normal Man whose moods are level. I could "take" the other guy when I was young but when I hit forty? Nope; he was too stressful to live with. Maybe you could speak to a psychiatrist? I bet they've had patients like your husband and could explain this to you and help. Good Luck,
------------------
Susan Gene
cal8
09-26-2003, 06:13 AM
Hi, thanks for your reply.
And yes I know what your saying is true, and good advice. I have given the same advice to my sister when she suffered at the hands of a violent man. And yes I have kicked him out; I would be a fool not to. but I still love him deeply, and if there is any hope that he might be able to get some professional help, and that this might lead to an acceptable standard of life, not just to give us a chance, but for him, then I have to try. I was never sure whether the moods were just him, or whether there was some underlying hereditary or mental condition that was to explain them. I tend to lean more to the latter now. Thanks again.
And yes I know what your saying is true, and good advice. I have given the same advice to my sister when she suffered at the hands of a violent man. And yes I have kicked him out; I would be a fool not to. but I still love him deeply, and if there is any hope that he might be able to get some professional help, and that this might lead to an acceptable standard of life, not just to give us a chance, but for him, then I have to try. I was never sure whether the moods were just him, or whether there was some underlying hereditary or mental condition that was to explain them. I tend to lean more to the latter now. Thanks again.
hry33
09-26-2003, 09:54 PM
I suggest you ask his mother if any meds helped his father
have you ever asked him if he will take meds for his moods, also will he see a psych?
you can see a psych about him and his problems for advice, but I think the psych has to see him to prescribe meds
have you ever asked him if he will take meds for his moods, also will he see a psych?
you can see a psych about him and his problems for advice, but I think the psych has to see him to prescribe meds
cal8
09-27-2003, 08:00 AM
hi,
No his father has never had any meds..it has always been a case of everyone just accepts it and gets on with it. i am the first person to push the issue and try and do something about it. i know its not easy to accept that there may be something wrong with the person you love, but to me living with the consiquences is worse..and the cycle has to stop somewhere, and it stops with me, i have to think of our children, and face the possibility that if it is heredetary, that one of our children may have inherited these traits.
i have spoken to him now, he says our marrage is over, but has aggreed to talk, and to come to the doctors, so fingers crossed....all i need to do now is convince the doctor that it is more than just a marrage crisis, and that he needs more than just marrage counciling..
thanks to all for your help..will keep you posted...we meet on monday.
No his father has never had any meds..it has always been a case of everyone just accepts it and gets on with it. i am the first person to push the issue and try and do something about it. i know its not easy to accept that there may be something wrong with the person you love, but to me living with the consiquences is worse..and the cycle has to stop somewhere, and it stops with me, i have to think of our children, and face the possibility that if it is heredetary, that one of our children may have inherited these traits.
i have spoken to him now, he says our marrage is over, but has aggreed to talk, and to come to the doctors, so fingers crossed....all i need to do now is convince the doctor that it is more than just a marrage crisis, and that he needs more than just marrage counciling..
thanks to all for your help..will keep you posted...we meet on monday.
mudhound
09-28-2003, 01:12 AM
You might try NAMI.org