*SoccerMom*
08-18-2002, 03:29 PM
Hi Everyone~
I am looking for advise (as usual...don't think I help others much around here, but I love getting help with my problems! Sorry for being selfish)
My son is almost 12 and he has hit those "preteen" hormonal stages. He was always an A-B student until last year. He lost interest in school and I had to stay behind his every move to keep him on track. He had a C! He is active in all sports (soccer, baseball, basketball and now football) He loves video games, music and drawing. My problem is that he has become sort of withdrawn from me. He has always talked to me about EVERYTHING and now he just sort of "sulks" around. The main changes I have seen are very unorganized (messy room, don't care about assignments much, crams dirty laundry under bed), withdrawl (not open with me, changes friends often, HIDES THINGS)...I know the hormones are raging...I see the physical changes (beginning acne, hair, and now some slight vocal changes) He is so special to me and I don't want to lose him during the teen years. I welcome any advice to help me deal with him. He was chosen to be in the Honors program this year and is doing all advanced classes. I will be so upset if he blows this (has to maintain above an 82 average) He is so intelligent but he is starting to not care a bit about his grades. Please help!
I am looking for advise (as usual...don't think I help others much around here, but I love getting help with my problems! Sorry for being selfish)
My son is almost 12 and he has hit those "preteen" hormonal stages. He was always an A-B student until last year. He lost interest in school and I had to stay behind his every move to keep him on track. He had a C! He is active in all sports (soccer, baseball, basketball and now football) He loves video games, music and drawing. My problem is that he has become sort of withdrawn from me. He has always talked to me about EVERYTHING and now he just sort of "sulks" around. The main changes I have seen are very unorganized (messy room, don't care about assignments much, crams dirty laundry under bed), withdrawl (not open with me, changes friends often, HIDES THINGS)...I know the hormones are raging...I see the physical changes (beginning acne, hair, and now some slight vocal changes) He is so special to me and I don't want to lose him during the teen years. I welcome any advice to help me deal with him. He was chosen to be in the Honors program this year and is doing all advanced classes. I will be so upset if he blows this (has to maintain above an 82 average) He is so intelligent but he is starting to not care a bit about his grades. Please help!
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Kadree
08-22-2002, 04:36 PM
Hello again Soccermom,
You helped me through my other posts, so now I will try to help you out. Although my kids are still small I was a teenager once...I think.
Your son sounds like a great kid, and I know you love him very much. What he needs(I think) is space. Hormones can do very strange things to you and he is probably just as confused as you are about the changes taking place. Just don't pressure him, but let him know that you are always there for him, no matter what. I think that when he is ready, he will open up. Constantly being in his face about what he is doing, might push him further away.
Let him know the consequences of his actions
For example : tell him that in order to have a good career he needs to keep up his excellent grades. Or say " I heard that to get into this University, you need an B+ average, or something along that line. Speak to him like the adult that he is becoming and let him know that you are there for him 100%
That's my advice for you, hope it helps
Kadree
You helped me through my other posts, so now I will try to help you out. Although my kids are still small I was a teenager once...I think.
Your son sounds like a great kid, and I know you love him very much. What he needs(I think) is space. Hormones can do very strange things to you and he is probably just as confused as you are about the changes taking place. Just don't pressure him, but let him know that you are always there for him, no matter what. I think that when he is ready, he will open up. Constantly being in his face about what he is doing, might push him further away.
Let him know the consequences of his actions
For example : tell him that in order to have a good career he needs to keep up his excellent grades. Or say " I heard that to get into this University, you need an B+ average, or something along that line. Speak to him like the adult that he is becoming and let him know that you are there for him 100%
That's my advice for you, hope it helps
Kadree
Greenberry
08-22-2002, 05:53 PM
I was trying to think of a helpful way to answer this post, and being the mother of a 2 year old girl I feel somewhat less than qualified. I know that most boys seem to go through this kind of thing. I really didn't know what to say, but Kadree's post made me think of a few things. Please note that I am not an expert here, but here's what I think.
I agree with giving him space, but first lay down the ground rules.
He must come out of his room for meals with the family, for example. Also, give him a written list of five things to do each week in his room and be VERY specific--1. Bring all dirty clothes to laundry room (or wherever) 2. Pick up ALL "stuff" off the floor at least once a week 3. Make up bed every day, etc. Tell him that if he complies with these things, you will give him some space, but that he is a member of a family, and that certain things are expected of him.
Let him know that there are academic expectations of him, as well. Tell him you don't think he is less smart now than he was in the past few years, and ask him if he knows why his grades have dropped off so suddenly. Also, point out that good grades are the key to getting good job, and a good job is the key to acquiring good stuff (not trying to encourage him to be materialistic, but that is something that a teenager can really understand--wanting to have a hot car and cool gadgets.) Also, the sports go, one by one, if the grades do not improve. Tell him to take his pick of which one goes first if the grades do not come up this term.
One other thing that might seem like not giving him space is trying to have a couple of minutes every day or so, when you visit him in his room or some other private location and chat with him. Even if he's not chatty, at least come in and say hello, and compliment him on something he has done well, if you can find something. Don't overstay your welcome, but doing this at least lets him know that the lines of communication are open. I have a friend with three adult sons, and I get the idea that this is the kind of thing she did with them, and all three of her sons are wonderful people.
I really dread having teenagers, but I guess that they are in my future. I wish you luck, and maybe you can post an update and let us know what works and what doesn't. I am gathering information right now to prepare myself.
I agree with giving him space, but first lay down the ground rules.
He must come out of his room for meals with the family, for example. Also, give him a written list of five things to do each week in his room and be VERY specific--1. Bring all dirty clothes to laundry room (or wherever) 2. Pick up ALL "stuff" off the floor at least once a week 3. Make up bed every day, etc. Tell him that if he complies with these things, you will give him some space, but that he is a member of a family, and that certain things are expected of him.
Let him know that there are academic expectations of him, as well. Tell him you don't think he is less smart now than he was in the past few years, and ask him if he knows why his grades have dropped off so suddenly. Also, point out that good grades are the key to getting good job, and a good job is the key to acquiring good stuff (not trying to encourage him to be materialistic, but that is something that a teenager can really understand--wanting to have a hot car and cool gadgets.) Also, the sports go, one by one, if the grades do not improve. Tell him to take his pick of which one goes first if the grades do not come up this term.
One other thing that might seem like not giving him space is trying to have a couple of minutes every day or so, when you visit him in his room or some other private location and chat with him. Even if he's not chatty, at least come in and say hello, and compliment him on something he has done well, if you can find something. Don't overstay your welcome, but doing this at least lets him know that the lines of communication are open. I have a friend with three adult sons, and I get the idea that this is the kind of thing she did with them, and all three of her sons are wonderful people.
I really dread having teenagers, but I guess that they are in my future. I wish you luck, and maybe you can post an update and let us know what works and what doesn't. I am gathering information right now to prepare myself.
*SoccerMom*
08-23-2002, 09:26 AM
Hi Greenberry and Kadree~ :D
I appreciate the advise. There is a lot of great advise there that I need to listen to. I have tried so hard since he started this behavioral change to try to be there (but not in his face). I remember when I was a teenager!!!.......whew!It has been a long time but I see how he is following in my footsteps with the lack of concern with schoolwork. I was in the gifted program at first but then, *poof* I threw it all away. Is it genetic? (Oh NO! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/idea.gif )
I have worried for so long that it may be ME that is making things worse. I don't know if this is something that I need help with or if I need to help him, ya'know? He was 6 when his now father and I married...and now we have 2 other children. It is a lot for me to deal with at times (my daughters are 15 months apart....4 and 2 1/2). He was so used to it being me and him for so long....his dad and I split up when I was 8 months pregnant. I have always tried to keep things like they were with us so that he won't feel like second-best. Does any of this make any sense? He had always acted ok until a little over a year ago. I noticed all the other PHYSICAL changes and I think that is what the problem is but now I am so confused!
I will keep you posted....all heck may break loose in a couple of weeks when he gets his progress report from school. If he isn't doing above the 82 then he is going to have to drop band and football......is this too drastic? shouldn't he have to do his best or not be allowed extra stuff? let me know!
I appreciate the advise. There is a lot of great advise there that I need to listen to. I have tried so hard since he started this behavioral change to try to be there (but not in his face). I remember when I was a teenager!!!.......whew!It has been a long time but I see how he is following in my footsteps with the lack of concern with schoolwork. I was in the gifted program at first but then, *poof* I threw it all away. Is it genetic? (Oh NO! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/idea.gif )
I have worried for so long that it may be ME that is making things worse. I don't know if this is something that I need help with or if I need to help him, ya'know? He was 6 when his now father and I married...and now we have 2 other children. It is a lot for me to deal with at times (my daughters are 15 months apart....4 and 2 1/2). He was so used to it being me and him for so long....his dad and I split up when I was 8 months pregnant. I have always tried to keep things like they were with us so that he won't feel like second-best. Does any of this make any sense? He had always acted ok until a little over a year ago. I noticed all the other PHYSICAL changes and I think that is what the problem is but now I am so confused!
I will keep you posted....all heck may break loose in a couple of weeks when he gets his progress report from school. If he isn't doing above the 82 then he is going to have to drop band and football......is this too drastic? shouldn't he have to do his best or not be allowed extra stuff? let me know!
Greenberry
08-23-2002, 10:08 AM
Sounds fair to me. It may be hard to do, but you are his parent and not his buddy, and you have to lay down the law sometimes. I hate discipline, but I have to do it in order to raise a decent human being. Give him the rules and tell him that it is all on him to have his life the way he wants--either better grades and extracurricular activities, or more studying and less fun until the grades come up.
Also, don't convey to him your guilty feelings because of your having to spend time with your other children, etc. That gives him a way to manipulate you. You have to be sympathetic to his needs, but not use your and his past as a way to let him get away with stuff that he shouldn't be doing. His family situation may not be the "ideal" Ward and June Cleaver situation, but he has it pretty good compared to a lot of kids out there. Does your husband or his bio-father take any part in the "discipline"? There needs to be a strong man around right now to help you keep him in line. Good luck!
Also, don't convey to him your guilty feelings because of your having to spend time with your other children, etc. That gives him a way to manipulate you. You have to be sympathetic to his needs, but not use your and his past as a way to let him get away with stuff that he shouldn't be doing. His family situation may not be the "ideal" Ward and June Cleaver situation, but he has it pretty good compared to a lot of kids out there. Does your husband or his bio-father take any part in the "discipline"? There needs to be a strong man around right now to help you keep him in line. Good luck!
*SoccerMom*
08-24-2002, 12:18 AM
Hi Green~
You are right. I don't really try to be his buddy but I want the lines of communication to always be open so he can feel he can talk to me (well, i guess i wanna be his buddy :eek: )
His bio-whatever has never been there for him at all. He made it clear that if I left him he would make my life miserable so I LEFT! And he told all of our mutual friends that he found out the baby wasn't his so he kicked me out!!!! Yerk! The friends stuck with him ($$$$) so I just moved and got on with my life. I guess I just expected that he would actually be concerned....Sad, but he never was! <<I didn't mean to dredge this moldy story up-Sorry :( ) It took me a long time to get past that sick feeling but I finally came to the realization that I had the most precious gift ...MY SON! I had always tried to shelter him from some of the "truth"...don't sound very good, but I wanted him to never feel neglected or unloved. I just always explained to him that there are all sorts of families. Some kids live with grandparents, single parents, adopted, foster, family, and etc. Now, my husband is the only DAD that we refer to (frankly, it still makes me ill feeling to say that the bio-man is his father. I feel that it takes a lot more to be a father than that.) My husband is wonderful with him. The only thing with discipline is that my husband works strange evening-early morning hours 3pm-3am. So during school, he only sees his dad on the weekend. It is hard to handle punishment when he isn't there when the problems happen. I apologize for the sob story. I haven't ever told anyone this much about ME and my painful past! ;)
You are right. I don't really try to be his buddy but I want the lines of communication to always be open so he can feel he can talk to me (well, i guess i wanna be his buddy :eek: )
His bio-whatever has never been there for him at all. He made it clear that if I left him he would make my life miserable so I LEFT! And he told all of our mutual friends that he found out the baby wasn't his so he kicked me out!!!! Yerk! The friends stuck with him ($$$$) so I just moved and got on with my life. I guess I just expected that he would actually be concerned....Sad, but he never was! <<I didn't mean to dredge this moldy story up-Sorry :( ) It took me a long time to get past that sick feeling but I finally came to the realization that I had the most precious gift ...MY SON! I had always tried to shelter him from some of the "truth"...don't sound very good, but I wanted him to never feel neglected or unloved. I just always explained to him that there are all sorts of families. Some kids live with grandparents, single parents, adopted, foster, family, and etc. Now, my husband is the only DAD that we refer to (frankly, it still makes me ill feeling to say that the bio-man is his father. I feel that it takes a lot more to be a father than that.) My husband is wonderful with him. The only thing with discipline is that my husband works strange evening-early morning hours 3pm-3am. So during school, he only sees his dad on the weekend. It is hard to handle punishment when he isn't there when the problems happen. I apologize for the sob story. I haven't ever told anyone this much about ME and my painful past! ;)
Greenberry
08-24-2002, 11:05 AM
I really feel for you. That is a pretty terrible story. But at least you have a good working family now for him. And I know a little bit about having to do all the discipline. I am the main one to discipline my daughter, because my husband has a full time job, and is in the volunteer fire department, and does work with his buddy on the weekends, and travels some with his full time job. He actually is home a good bit (believe it or not) and we do lots of things together as a family, even traveling with him on some of his business trips, but it seems like I am the one that does 90% of the disciplining around here, and it gets old. But I guess it's my job, since I'm here all the time. Anyway, good luck with your son, and as I asked before, if you don't mind, let us know how everything goes. I really want to know what works for you so I can try it myself in about 10 years.
mydog8mybrain
08-29-2002, 07:36 PM
Ummmmmm - Lemmie see. I'm a single dad and have two fine boys. Here are my two cents which virtually no one will agree with.
On droping the football and band if he does not maintain an 82: If he likes football and band by all means let him go on with it. If he is really good and really wants to play and ole mom makes him stop because his grades do not meet her expectations then a fuse has been lit that may explode later down the road. Such resentment may take years to surface and can manifest itself in unusual ways. So he does not make the honors program. How big a deal is that?
Regarding the withdrawal. Completely normal. Let him have his space. He may want to maintain that space for a long period of time. If so, go with it. He will come back around in time.
Sorry about the deal with your ex. Sounds like an ugly situation. My hat is off to he who stepped in and picked up the gauntlet. There will come a time when your son can hear the truth.
One more thing on a more personal note...... My charming ex had tons of expectations for my kiddos. Grades, out of classroom behavior, behavior at school, social functions. They tried like heck to meet her expectations as best they could. She was never satisfied. The arguments were not exactly awful but things were still pretty cold unless they did as she said.
We finally kicked her out. It hurt like hell but we had to do it for our own samity.
Moral to the story is that we reap what we sow. If we place heavy expectations on our kids now then I think they will either detatch from us or give us a dose of our own medicine 40 years from now.
Good luck to you. The teenage years can be very trying but they can also be very rewarding. Do not fear having your kids as friends. You'll be glad you did when you are 60 and they are 40.
------------------
Be nice to your kids.... They will choose your nursing home.
On droping the football and band if he does not maintain an 82: If he likes football and band by all means let him go on with it. If he is really good and really wants to play and ole mom makes him stop because his grades do not meet her expectations then a fuse has been lit that may explode later down the road. Such resentment may take years to surface and can manifest itself in unusual ways. So he does not make the honors program. How big a deal is that?
Regarding the withdrawal. Completely normal. Let him have his space. He may want to maintain that space for a long period of time. If so, go with it. He will come back around in time.
Sorry about the deal with your ex. Sounds like an ugly situation. My hat is off to he who stepped in and picked up the gauntlet. There will come a time when your son can hear the truth.
One more thing on a more personal note...... My charming ex had tons of expectations for my kiddos. Grades, out of classroom behavior, behavior at school, social functions. They tried like heck to meet her expectations as best they could. She was never satisfied. The arguments were not exactly awful but things were still pretty cold unless they did as she said.
We finally kicked her out. It hurt like hell but we had to do it for our own samity.
Moral to the story is that we reap what we sow. If we place heavy expectations on our kids now then I think they will either detatch from us or give us a dose of our own medicine 40 years from now.
Good luck to you. The teenage years can be very trying but they can also be very rewarding. Do not fear having your kids as friends. You'll be glad you did when you are 60 and they are 40.
------------------
Be nice to your kids.... They will choose your nursing home.
action
08-30-2002, 07:07 AM
I have two boys, (men now, actually!) and it wasnt always easy growing up with them. We have had the surlies, the rudes, the withdrawn and acting out phases but they all passed and we now have two fine young men. No magic answers about how we got that far - I was a tad slow in catching on though, that from the age of about 12 I was largely irrelevant in my boys' lives. I was good for feeding, clothing and chauffeuring but all the discussions, in-jokes, homework checking & comparisons were with my DH. He was also considerably more laid back than I was and moderated my somewhat "off the handle" moments. I resented this for ages, DH was something of a workaholic, gone early in the morning and not back until after dinner 61/2 days out of 7 so I pretty much did the raising on my own!
It would be great if your DH could make your son special in some way - can they bond over the gym, bikes, walks, fishing, politics or whatever? The gym was the best place for my lads and DH and they are all hyperfit! DH used to always make a point of a bedtime discussion and I see that may not be possible in your family but he may be able to find some time for a dad/son connection during the day.
If you take too much away, you will get resentment which will fester and end up being counter productive. I think it is quite acceptable (nay, essential) to have family standards that you all stick to and for members of the family to have their own responsibilities towards the family unit, him included.
If your DH isnt able to give the sort of time that counts, then perhaps seek out a male mentor at one of his sporting venues or school and see if one of them can be a moderating influence in his life.
He'll be just fine when he's 21 :D
It would be great if your DH could make your son special in some way - can they bond over the gym, bikes, walks, fishing, politics or whatever? The gym was the best place for my lads and DH and they are all hyperfit! DH used to always make a point of a bedtime discussion and I see that may not be possible in your family but he may be able to find some time for a dad/son connection during the day.
If you take too much away, you will get resentment which will fester and end up being counter productive. I think it is quite acceptable (nay, essential) to have family standards that you all stick to and for members of the family to have their own responsibilities towards the family unit, him included.
If your DH isnt able to give the sort of time that counts, then perhaps seek out a male mentor at one of his sporting venues or school and see if one of them can be a moderating influence in his life.
He'll be just fine when he's 21 :D
*SoccerMom*
08-30-2002, 09:54 AM
My dog~
I appreciate your perspective on this so much!! I really mean that. I think you have the most fantastic points. Over this past week, (only 3rd week of school) I have seen him working so hard on his homework and grades. It truly is hard on him ...he has so much homework and reports, football practice and now band practice too. Your suggestion about letting him continue on regardless is something that I am struggling with. On his interim report yesterday, his lowest grade was an 81...I feel he truly is trying his best. I have such mixed feelings on this---I want him to succeed with everything but I don't want to make him think that I don't expect him to make it in honors...make any sense? I will love and support him regardless but I just feel that if I don't expect HIGH then he won't give it his all. understand what i am saying?
I really worried about the withdrawal thing. I wondered if he was feeling some "BioDad" stuff...curiosity or sadness. Probably stupid thing to say but I know that he has to think about it even though he won't talk about it! I have this fear that in these upcoming teen years he may seek him out for whatever reason...and "bioman" will just buy him off like he does with everyone else. His $$ is his world and he liked that power. I worry that my son will be in awe of that.(you know, buy him cars, stereos, expensive presents or etc) It happens a lot! I just don't want to lose my son...what do I do?!$@#
I am so blessed to have my wonderful husband. Of course we have our rough patches but he is a fantastic husband and father...not once has he used the term "step father" and I appreciate that so much.
*Just like to say that it is obvious how much you loved your children. I admire that you were able to put them first and look out for their best interests...even when it meant going through pain and divorce. That is a wonderful thing............
action, i am sure that in my rambling story above, i didn't have it clear that his "biodad" is NOT a part of his life. he made it clear that IF i left him, he would make my life miserable...to him this meant not helping raise the child. He wanted to be able to do and say whatever he wanted and thought that he could just buy me a new car or have something spectacular done to make up for it. I think that when i caused a scene at a very social party with his business associates and the next morning told him that I was leaving, he worried more about what everyone else would think....he even told me a few days after i left that "No one knew yet so I could still come back"....like i said before, "JERK!" He has never supported his child and has only seen pictures of my son. VERY odd situation---and i think the hardest for me was to still try to make my son feel loved and to never BASH his biodad. When i refer to his father or his dad, it is my now husband that i am talking about. sorry for the confusion.
I appreciate your perspective on this so much!! I really mean that. I think you have the most fantastic points. Over this past week, (only 3rd week of school) I have seen him working so hard on his homework and grades. It truly is hard on him ...he has so much homework and reports, football practice and now band practice too. Your suggestion about letting him continue on regardless is something that I am struggling with. On his interim report yesterday, his lowest grade was an 81...I feel he truly is trying his best. I have such mixed feelings on this---I want him to succeed with everything but I don't want to make him think that I don't expect him to make it in honors...make any sense? I will love and support him regardless but I just feel that if I don't expect HIGH then he won't give it his all. understand what i am saying?
I really worried about the withdrawal thing. I wondered if he was feeling some "BioDad" stuff...curiosity or sadness. Probably stupid thing to say but I know that he has to think about it even though he won't talk about it! I have this fear that in these upcoming teen years he may seek him out for whatever reason...and "bioman" will just buy him off like he does with everyone else. His $$ is his world and he liked that power. I worry that my son will be in awe of that.(you know, buy him cars, stereos, expensive presents or etc) It happens a lot! I just don't want to lose my son...what do I do?!$@#
I am so blessed to have my wonderful husband. Of course we have our rough patches but he is a fantastic husband and father...not once has he used the term "step father" and I appreciate that so much.
*Just like to say that it is obvious how much you loved your children. I admire that you were able to put them first and look out for their best interests...even when it meant going through pain and divorce. That is a wonderful thing............
action, i am sure that in my rambling story above, i didn't have it clear that his "biodad" is NOT a part of his life. he made it clear that IF i left him, he would make my life miserable...to him this meant not helping raise the child. He wanted to be able to do and say whatever he wanted and thought that he could just buy me a new car or have something spectacular done to make up for it. I think that when i caused a scene at a very social party with his business associates and the next morning told him that I was leaving, he worried more about what everyone else would think....he even told me a few days after i left that "No one knew yet so I could still come back"....like i said before, "JERK!" He has never supported his child and has only seen pictures of my son. VERY odd situation---and i think the hardest for me was to still try to make my son feel loved and to never BASH his biodad. When i refer to his father or his dad, it is my now husband that i am talking about. sorry for the confusion.
mydog8mybrain
08-30-2002, 04:13 PM
Well - I admire you for taking on this struggle with his Bio dads non involvement. Sounds like a really hard situation.
I would suppose, from your commments, that you have a concern about Bio dad becoming Bio super dad, appearing in your son's life like a tornado and trying to give an image to the rest of the world that everything is "OK".
I think that is a valid concern. I'm not sure what to say except to give you a quote that an old friend gave to me..... He said that "kids will always migrate to where the love is." Dads, uncles, friends, can come along with flashy stuff and things that glitter, but in the end kids figure everything out. I think he was right.
Every day my boys get a smile, a hug and an "I love you". There were times that this was all I could give them but it was sufficient at the time.
Good luck with your son. Your love for him is the greatest gift he will ever receive.
------------------
Be nice to your kids.... They will choose your nursing home.
I would suppose, from your commments, that you have a concern about Bio dad becoming Bio super dad, appearing in your son's life like a tornado and trying to give an image to the rest of the world that everything is "OK".
I think that is a valid concern. I'm not sure what to say except to give you a quote that an old friend gave to me..... He said that "kids will always migrate to where the love is." Dads, uncles, friends, can come along with flashy stuff and things that glitter, but in the end kids figure everything out. I think he was right.
Every day my boys get a smile, a hug and an "I love you". There were times that this was all I could give them but it was sufficient at the time.
Good luck with your son. Your love for him is the greatest gift he will ever receive.
------------------
Be nice to your kids.... They will choose your nursing home.
action
08-30-2002, 08:53 PM
Soccermum, yes I did realize about biodad - I wasnt meaning him at all (I guess I had written him off in my mind as well!) I was meaning his "dad" the one who has been there for him since you married your DH. I have absolutely no time for the "Father Christmas" type dads, they are often more bother than they are worth! (I see it all the time in my job as a school counsellor and am often very hard pressed to hold my tongue when battling parents use the "you can have a bike if you live with me" escalating to "you can have a horse if you live with me" routine - sorry, a rant there, I am utterly in agreement with you!)
I guess it is that male model stuff I was getting at - I see so many young chaps growing up without a decent male model in their lives and they are so confused. (And that isnt meant to be judgemental about single mothers doing their best with their sons, it's just that in my client base, a disproportionate number of young males are from single mother households!) I am sure that boys love their mums it's just that we are missing "something" for them during the teenage years even if we were the best mum in the whole wide world! Tell him you love him and give him a big hug - he'll think you're soppy but he's got the message :D
Angela
I guess it is that male model stuff I was getting at - I see so many young chaps growing up without a decent male model in their lives and they are so confused. (And that isnt meant to be judgemental about single mothers doing their best with their sons, it's just that in my client base, a disproportionate number of young males are from single mother households!) I am sure that boys love their mums it's just that we are missing "something" for them during the teenage years even if we were the best mum in the whole wide world! Tell him you love him and give him a big hug - he'll think you're soppy but he's got the message :D
Angela
*SoccerMom*
08-31-2002, 12:25 AM
it amazes me that you can read through all of that and just sum up exactly what i think and feel! i love that quote too...it is so true in my life. i know that it has been many years since that rough spot in my life. it made me a better person believe it or not. i am more loving, giving and less selfish than what i was before. oh, i was right there in awe of $$$$ but i quickly learned about true happiness (and true friends). i think we all have the opportunity to learn those "life lessons" at least once in our life.
my husband works tough hours 3pm-3am so it is really hard to spend time with him until weekends. it is ok for our girls who aren't in school yet but it is hard on my son. he does drop by the school sometimes and we tape all the games or activities so he can see them. i definately agree about the "male bonding". not that he is rude or anything, i think he feels that i don't understand WHAT he is feeling and is more likely to talk to his dad about some things. it is such an strange time...i have always given him a hug and told him i loved him when he came home from school (and before school and at bedtime ++++) he now gives me this half of a hug or will mumble "iloveyou". he told me last week that it is babyish for me to hug him and tell him that i love him! i told him that i always tell everyone that is dear to me that i love them! he will hug his grandfather and just squeeze him to death so this may just be the male thing between grandfather/grandson! :) thanks for all the help and i hope to hear from you soon! it makes me feel not so alone out here
my husband works tough hours 3pm-3am so it is really hard to spend time with him until weekends. it is ok for our girls who aren't in school yet but it is hard on my son. he does drop by the school sometimes and we tape all the games or activities so he can see them. i definately agree about the "male bonding". not that he is rude or anything, i think he feels that i don't understand WHAT he is feeling and is more likely to talk to his dad about some things. it is such an strange time...i have always given him a hug and told him i loved him when he came home from school (and before school and at bedtime ++++) he now gives me this half of a hug or will mumble "iloveyou". he told me last week that it is babyish for me to hug him and tell him that i love him! i told him that i always tell everyone that is dear to me that i love them! he will hug his grandfather and just squeeze him to death so this may just be the male thing between grandfather/grandson! :) thanks for all the help and i hope to hear from you soon! it makes me feel not so alone out here
antymuff
09-01-2002, 12:34 AM
I am the mother of 3 boys, all grown. It is absolutely normal for them to pull away from you, but don't worry they always come back. I just heard the other day someone say to me "if only they could bury boys at age 12, and dig them up when they turn 21"! It is true. I know how you fell, You worry, and think that there is something wrong, or that he doesn't like you. Simply not true. He just is going through a normal development stage. My kids are all honor students, and their grades all fell somewhat right around 6th and 7th grade. Give him space, try not to get frustrated (at least to him), and never miss an opportunity to tell and show him how much you lave him. Let him have his space and make some of his own decisions, and, yes mistakes. He'll come around, and when he does, he will want to be closer to you than ever. Good luck!
poohbearspal
09-14-2002, 01:52 AM
Hi Soccermom, I have never posted on this thread before, but your question caught my eye, so here's my 2 cents worth. I hope you can glean something useful.
I have a son at that age and can relate to the whole honor roll thing. My son freaked when he got the first B of his life last year. That's when I realized things were out of kilt. Getting straight A's is okay (though I don't agree with the 'that's how you get into a great school' BS at all. That's just WAY to heavy to put a child's entire future on their shoulders when they are only 11. Get real, people!) Sorry for the rant, but some people said some things that I REALLY disagree with! Anyway, A's are fine, but there is SO MUCH MORE to life than that and maybe your son has figured this out. Also, I know that the schools are putting a TREMENDOUS burden on kids these days, with ridiculous amounts of homework, etc. It's outrageous. Kids are at school 7 hours each day, that ought to be enough. It makes you wonder WHAT the teachers (or IF) the teachers are actually teaching anything when they send home hours worth of (often useless) homework and I encourage you to protest that. Adults are chided for bringing home work, being "workaholics" and taking time away from their families, but millions of people don't think anything of children bringing home hours of "work" and even consider it normal!
I guess I'm a bit of a rebel because I believe the school system in this country is a terrible intrusion into family life and the whole business of sending kids to school for a minimum of 13 years, 9 months out of the year, 7 hours out of the day, and then a few hours of homework to boot, is LUDICROUS!
I agree with the dad who said think carefully before you take away things like band and football if he doesn't keep up honor grades. Maybe his gift is music, maybe he'll never be an accountant so maybe math isn't the most important thing in life for him. (This is probably as much of a test for you as it is for him.) Maybe you could make a deal with him that THIS year he can concentrate on other things like band and sports and developing social friendships etc, as long as it doesn't get too out of hand with grades.
ALSO, I think the whole withdrawal thing is fairly normal, but I wouldn't rule out that there is SOMETHING BIG that could be bugging him. That will be up to you to dig up, but please don't assume that it is just a phase and leave it at that. I hate to even broach the subject, but is there a chance he was molested? Kids who have been do show the symptoms you have mentioned. Hopefully that is not the case, but could there be a bully in his life, or a really mean teacher or kid who makes his life miserable? Perhaps he IS wondering about bio-dad and maybe you should seriously consider what you will say if he asks, and maybe you shouldn't wait for him to ask. It's touchy, I know.
ALSO, is there any possibility that dad-dad can change his hours at work? I know that's a lot to ask, but maybe something can be worked out. For proper development in boys the latest scietific findings state that boys need their mothers doting and nurturing for the first 3 years of life for proper neuron connections. Later, between 10-14, they desperately need their dads. It's not his fault he got a crappy bio-dad, and he needs his dad-dad more that just a couple of hours on weekends. Maybe you two can put some serious thought into it and come up with an alternative that will give him more of that precious time.
Also, it is SO helpful to always give your kids something to "live up to." I don't mean to pressure them too much, but to show them how proud you are of them and what intelligent, competent people they are. Don't ever say, "Oh, a C, well that figures, the way you've been goofing off." Instead say, "Gee, a C. Well that's a little surprising since you always get better grades." Plant a tiny seed and let your kids make it grow!
I have to go, but I hope some of this will be helpful to you. ~~~ Pal
I have a son at that age and can relate to the whole honor roll thing. My son freaked when he got the first B of his life last year. That's when I realized things were out of kilt. Getting straight A's is okay (though I don't agree with the 'that's how you get into a great school' BS at all. That's just WAY to heavy to put a child's entire future on their shoulders when they are only 11. Get real, people!) Sorry for the rant, but some people said some things that I REALLY disagree with! Anyway, A's are fine, but there is SO MUCH MORE to life than that and maybe your son has figured this out. Also, I know that the schools are putting a TREMENDOUS burden on kids these days, with ridiculous amounts of homework, etc. It's outrageous. Kids are at school 7 hours each day, that ought to be enough. It makes you wonder WHAT the teachers (or IF) the teachers are actually teaching anything when they send home hours worth of (often useless) homework and I encourage you to protest that. Adults are chided for bringing home work, being "workaholics" and taking time away from their families, but millions of people don't think anything of children bringing home hours of "work" and even consider it normal!
I guess I'm a bit of a rebel because I believe the school system in this country is a terrible intrusion into family life and the whole business of sending kids to school for a minimum of 13 years, 9 months out of the year, 7 hours out of the day, and then a few hours of homework to boot, is LUDICROUS!
I agree with the dad who said think carefully before you take away things like band and football if he doesn't keep up honor grades. Maybe his gift is music, maybe he'll never be an accountant so maybe math isn't the most important thing in life for him. (This is probably as much of a test for you as it is for him.) Maybe you could make a deal with him that THIS year he can concentrate on other things like band and sports and developing social friendships etc, as long as it doesn't get too out of hand with grades.
ALSO, I think the whole withdrawal thing is fairly normal, but I wouldn't rule out that there is SOMETHING BIG that could be bugging him. That will be up to you to dig up, but please don't assume that it is just a phase and leave it at that. I hate to even broach the subject, but is there a chance he was molested? Kids who have been do show the symptoms you have mentioned. Hopefully that is not the case, but could there be a bully in his life, or a really mean teacher or kid who makes his life miserable? Perhaps he IS wondering about bio-dad and maybe you should seriously consider what you will say if he asks, and maybe you shouldn't wait for him to ask. It's touchy, I know.
ALSO, is there any possibility that dad-dad can change his hours at work? I know that's a lot to ask, but maybe something can be worked out. For proper development in boys the latest scietific findings state that boys need their mothers doting and nurturing for the first 3 years of life for proper neuron connections. Later, between 10-14, they desperately need their dads. It's not his fault he got a crappy bio-dad, and he needs his dad-dad more that just a couple of hours on weekends. Maybe you two can put some serious thought into it and come up with an alternative that will give him more of that precious time.
Also, it is SO helpful to always give your kids something to "live up to." I don't mean to pressure them too much, but to show them how proud you are of them and what intelligent, competent people they are. Don't ever say, "Oh, a C, well that figures, the way you've been goofing off." Instead say, "Gee, a C. Well that's a little surprising since you always get better grades." Plant a tiny seed and let your kids make it grow!
I have to go, but I hope some of this will be helpful to you. ~~~ Pal
nrsheathr
09-14-2002, 12:58 PM
Soccermom, I have a son who is 10 1/2, I am starting to see some of the changes with him becoming a teen soon. His dad and I are now divorced, I never say anything one way or the other about their dad because I do not want them to come to me and tell me I was wrong and resent me either way. I will tell you that as a child of divorced parents (my mom married and divorced 5 times and my dad is on # 6) I have been through and seen much, maybe not more than anyone else, but I have seen a lot. I will tell you that I knew my mom ALWAYS loved me and would always be there for me and my dad was only there because the court said for him to be. In my teen years, as well as just prior to, I saw my dad for who he was. I used him for money, well example, I needed shoes, my mom was broke and did the best she could for us, but I knew my das walked around with 700 in a money clip, so I lied and told him I was going out for basketball and needed Nikes.....needless to say, I got the shoes and did NOT go out for basketball. I felt I deserved it. My father did nothing for us out of the goodness of his heart so I got what I could. Your son KNOWS that you are there for him, but let him get what he can out of the no-show father if so be it. He has every right to, in my opinion only. I do not think that dads are bad, my kids LOVE their dad immensely and I try to make sure he sees them as much as possible, we dont stick to a routine of every other weekend and every other holiday, he takes them every single weekend that he can, he needs them and they need him. But my ex has also tried to buy their love and they KNOOOOOWW the difference....Last year he wanted them for christmas, but had NOT ONE GIFT!! Not a coloring book, not a card , nothing and I could not let the kids go and be disappointed like that on Christmas! they are now 5,7, and 10....Anyway, to much rambling...I have kept the communication open with my son and realize that he will shut down on me in the future, so right now we go for a walk once or twice a week, just him and I, I help with homework and sometimes I have him help me with mine because he gets a kick out of it.....I have always, since day one, talked to him about important issues, sex, drugs and whatever else and he knows that if he has any questions, I will not embarrass him. I am not a perfect mom this is how I chose to do it, but I do understand about "losing" him when he is a teen. I told my son that I would like to know where he is always not to embarass him in front of friends, but in case I needed to find him, and I told him that I am considering a cell phone for him for calling home or emergencies only when he is a little older so that if he needs a ride home, i can get him. I explained putting my life in the hands of underaged drinkers who drove many time and thank God that I made it home alive.......he asks, I tell what i think he is ready for, I agree with popping in on your son just to say hey, or whatever, that lets him know you are still there, you are doing good. So sorry for this being so long, I couldnt stop typing :) I really enjoyed mydog8's info, I like to hear mens point of view especially when it comes to sons.......
Heather
Heather
mydog8mybrain
09-15-2002, 02:09 AM
I think Heather is right on here. Sounds like she has been down the road and knows that of which she speaks.
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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.
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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.
Greenberry
09-15-2002, 09:35 AM
Maybe she is, all except for the part about lying to someone to get what you can out of them. Always wrong in my opinion...
nrsheathr
09-15-2002, 01:07 PM
I dont promote that I lied to my dad, I felt at that time of my life that it was justified, I had a long road to work through. I definitely dont think it SHOULD be done, but it does happen. My main point is that kids see right through their parents, they know who loves them and who could care less, what they do with that is up to them, really. Thats all i meant.
nrsheathr
09-15-2002, 01:18 PM
P.S. The reason I felt justified at that time of my life is because my bio dad DID not care one bit about us, he talked bad about our mothers to us, (there are 5 of us with 3 different moms) but fortunately for me I did have a mom who loved and cared and stayed and fought for me. I very rarely used my dad for money, very very rarely, he is to tight and greedy that it wasnt possible. I could go on and on and vent this out, I didnt mean to offend you, I really do not think I was right in lying him the few times I did, but he gave my mother a very hard time and did not help her out with school supplies, doctor, dentist, BASIC LIFE NEEDS, he only did what the court ordered him to, to where as my ex does do things for our kids when he can, he has learned that buying love doesnt work because they know it, but he loves to take them shopping for clothes and such, above and beyond his court ordered duties, why? Because he is a dad, a father, and tho we are not married, we are good friends and put the needs of the kids first. We definitely talk about the kids and the things they go thru whether it be school, friends or whatever and they know that we talk. My son told him about the cell phone thing and that impressed his dad as well as showed me that my son is listening to me right now......I wish soccermom the best because it is sooooo hard to parent a boy I think.
Greenberry
09-15-2002, 03:24 PM
You didn't offend me at all, I just think that lying for the purpose of manipulating someone to get something out of them is wrong. I have a question--I know that your situation is in the past, but why were you a go-between for your parents? Your mother should have handled all of the financial issues between your father and her. The fact that you were even compelled to act is pretty sad. Divorced parents should always handle things like money between themselves, and should not even bring children into the discussion.
nrsheathr
09-15-2002, 10:49 PM
My mom did not put me up to it, my parents did not speak to each other.
*SoccerMom*
09-22-2002, 03:32 AM
Hi Everyone~
Thanks for those great replies. You all would be proud of me for how I reacted with the progress report. Oh, I had to hold my breath and smile but it was I am sure that steam was coming from my ears. His grades are not wonderful but the teacher said that they are not anything to be concerned about. I am blessed that he has WONDERFUL teachers and they always tell me how great my son is and how well mannered and talented he is......so I just close my eyes, take a deep breath and sign those progress reports. :)
By the way, my son LOVES band and football. The coaches are in awe of his "talent" and he just seems to shine out on the field. His attitude has improved some and he is back to chatting with me again....I have noticed the past few weeks the "creeky"voice change....his teacher said he is definitely going through puberty!! His room is still a mess and I just sort of kick the stuff in there and try not to nag too much now. I just tell him that before a friend can come over or before he can go visit, his room must be cleaned. Somehow, it is "presentable" before he asks for either. I still welcome any advise for helping me through these times...somehow I feel that this is just a smooth patch on a bumpy road. :D
Thanks,
Soccermom
**Poohbearspal, Thanks! There is virtually no chance of molestation. It may sound harsh or naive but he is not allowed to spend the night away (only has with grandparents a few times) and while visiting friends, I am usually very close by. I am sort of smothering when it comes to leaving him anywhere! About his dad's job, His father got big promotion and that is the reason that he had to go to the shift that he is on. It is difficult for all of us but his manager is aware that it is hard on us. Not sure if he can get those hours changed...it could be worse---the other job is a travelling job!
***Thanks nrsheathr. Sounds like you went through a tough time. I think that our past helps us to understand what our children are feeling. I understand why you did what you did about the money with your father. It is just sad that it had to work that way for you.
Thanks for those great replies. You all would be proud of me for how I reacted with the progress report. Oh, I had to hold my breath and smile but it was I am sure that steam was coming from my ears. His grades are not wonderful but the teacher said that they are not anything to be concerned about. I am blessed that he has WONDERFUL teachers and they always tell me how great my son is and how well mannered and talented he is......so I just close my eyes, take a deep breath and sign those progress reports. :)
By the way, my son LOVES band and football. The coaches are in awe of his "talent" and he just seems to shine out on the field. His attitude has improved some and he is back to chatting with me again....I have noticed the past few weeks the "creeky"voice change....his teacher said he is definitely going through puberty!! His room is still a mess and I just sort of kick the stuff in there and try not to nag too much now. I just tell him that before a friend can come over or before he can go visit, his room must be cleaned. Somehow, it is "presentable" before he asks for either. I still welcome any advise for helping me through these times...somehow I feel that this is just a smooth patch on a bumpy road. :D
Thanks,
Soccermom
**Poohbearspal, Thanks! There is virtually no chance of molestation. It may sound harsh or naive but he is not allowed to spend the night away (only has with grandparents a few times) and while visiting friends, I am usually very close by. I am sort of smothering when it comes to leaving him anywhere! About his dad's job, His father got big promotion and that is the reason that he had to go to the shift that he is on. It is difficult for all of us but his manager is aware that it is hard on us. Not sure if he can get those hours changed...it could be worse---the other job is a travelling job!
***Thanks nrsheathr. Sounds like you went through a tough time. I think that our past helps us to understand what our children are feeling. I understand why you did what you did about the money with your father. It is just sad that it had to work that way for you.
mydog8mybrain
10-10-2002, 06:58 PM
Hey kiddo - I hope things continue to be good for you and your son. The comment about the room just cracked me up. I went through that with my youngest a couple of years ago: Once summer got here I proudly announced that I was going to keep the door to his room shut all summer and I would only inspect his room a few days prior to school starting.
When I did laundry I put it all folded in a basket by his door with instructions to return it to the laundry room after he has put his clothes away.
Well - August rolled around and one Sunday afternoon I announced that we would check his room and get things in order for school. As I headed for his door I noticed his older brother running for the camera.
When I opened the door I swear I almost fainted. Chaos would not be sufficient enough a word to describe what I saw. I was horrible. Had social services visited my house I would have been declared an unfit parent!
Moral of the story is that I took the car keys away and shut off the internet access until such time as things were in order. Took him a few days, and the washing machine was on auto pilot, but it finally got done. Was not funny at the time, but we laugh about it now.
Heavens. Is parenting great or what? :)
------------------
Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.
When I did laundry I put it all folded in a basket by his door with instructions to return it to the laundry room after he has put his clothes away.
Well - August rolled around and one Sunday afternoon I announced that we would check his room and get things in order for school. As I headed for his door I noticed his older brother running for the camera.
When I opened the door I swear I almost fainted. Chaos would not be sufficient enough a word to describe what I saw. I was horrible. Had social services visited my house I would have been declared an unfit parent!
Moral of the story is that I took the car keys away and shut off the internet access until such time as things were in order. Took him a few days, and the washing machine was on auto pilot, but it finally got done. Was not funny at the time, but we laugh about it now.
Heavens. Is parenting great or what? :)
------------------
Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.