Proud Papa
10-31-2002, 02:43 PM
This is both a parenting and a relationship issue....but I think it is probably valid here because the parenting mentality is CAUSING the relationship issue.
Me and my wife have been together for over 10 years....over that time I have been the main breadwinner and have always worked.
As time has gone on we have accumulated lots of bills (along with 2 really great kids)
My wife has worked on and off usually minimum wage type jobs because I was in the military and she had to pick up and move when I had to. But now I am out of the military and have a pretty good stable job, we now have a mortage, so we are pretty set where we are....my wife went to work full time for a local casino a couple of years back and she was a hostess. The hourly pay sucked but she made decent tips so things were good for a while.
About a year ago....the tips she was making (which actually came out to more then her hourly wage) just dried up and died....this put a tremendous strain on our budget.
The thing is...she got in really good with the people she works with and they offered to train her to be a dealer.....dealers make more money then I do actually....and she started the training.
Here is the problem. Knowing that trouble was on the horizon for us financially I put us into a plan that would keep us afloat until she finished that training and we would then be ok because the cash would start rolling in before Christmas time. AND MY WIFE WONT FINISH THE TRAINING AND GET TO WORK. She should have had her audition and be working over 2 months ago. I keep asking every so often how she is doing and if there is anything I can do to help. I always get the same freakin answer "its coming alown...I am working on it"
Then she does things like take trips with her family that we cannot afford or going to functions with her friends....AND WE DONT HAVE THE MONEY FOR IT.
I feel horribly over the whole thing.....I have always been able to take care of my family in the past and it is hard for me to accept that I cant do it any more...but the numbers in the bank don't lie....we have been steadily spiraling down financially over the past several months. I dont want to ask my wife to become responsible for the family income but I have no choice.
I am to the point now where we are fight about this every other day because The holidays are right around the corner and there is no way I want to look into my children's eyes and say "sorry kids...not in the budget this year" when I know darn well it could have been and then some.
I am to the point now that if this trend keeps going and that situation arrives I am going to tell my wife to move out. It was something I never thought would ever consider but it is going through my mind. My wife has never been a ambitious person but she has no problem partying with her friends and junk like that. It has gotten to the point where I dont have fun myself because I feel so giulty.
I need some advice here.....to all the female breadwinners on this board...what do I do. I am so discouraged.
Me and my wife have been together for over 10 years....over that time I have been the main breadwinner and have always worked.
As time has gone on we have accumulated lots of bills (along with 2 really great kids)
My wife has worked on and off usually minimum wage type jobs because I was in the military and she had to pick up and move when I had to. But now I am out of the military and have a pretty good stable job, we now have a mortage, so we are pretty set where we are....my wife went to work full time for a local casino a couple of years back and she was a hostess. The hourly pay sucked but she made decent tips so things were good for a while.
About a year ago....the tips she was making (which actually came out to more then her hourly wage) just dried up and died....this put a tremendous strain on our budget.
The thing is...she got in really good with the people she works with and they offered to train her to be a dealer.....dealers make more money then I do actually....and she started the training.
Here is the problem. Knowing that trouble was on the horizon for us financially I put us into a plan that would keep us afloat until she finished that training and we would then be ok because the cash would start rolling in before Christmas time. AND MY WIFE WONT FINISH THE TRAINING AND GET TO WORK. She should have had her audition and be working over 2 months ago. I keep asking every so often how she is doing and if there is anything I can do to help. I always get the same freakin answer "its coming alown...I am working on it"
Then she does things like take trips with her family that we cannot afford or going to functions with her friends....AND WE DONT HAVE THE MONEY FOR IT.
I feel horribly over the whole thing.....I have always been able to take care of my family in the past and it is hard for me to accept that I cant do it any more...but the numbers in the bank don't lie....we have been steadily spiraling down financially over the past several months. I dont want to ask my wife to become responsible for the family income but I have no choice.
I am to the point now where we are fight about this every other day because The holidays are right around the corner and there is no way I want to look into my children's eyes and say "sorry kids...not in the budget this year" when I know darn well it could have been and then some.
I am to the point now that if this trend keeps going and that situation arrives I am going to tell my wife to move out. It was something I never thought would ever consider but it is going through my mind. My wife has never been a ambitious person but she has no problem partying with her friends and junk like that. It has gotten to the point where I dont have fun myself because I feel so giulty.
I need some advice here.....to all the female breadwinners on this board...what do I do. I am so discouraged.
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sweetiepie1982
11-01-2002, 01:21 AM
Have you expressed to her that her excursions and spending are making you upset? Maybe she just has no idea how it is affecting the family. If she does and doesn't want to do anything about it, at least give her an ultimatum so that you just aren't telling her to leave. Discuss the money issue first and see what her side of the story is, then base your decision on that. Tell her that she needs to support the family and not herself all the time and see if she realizes what she is doing.
mushroom1
11-09-2002, 08:33 PM
I am a stay at home mom and do not work. My husband was making good money when I met him and a few years later, better money. It was nice, because I had been raised as a poor child.
However, there was a period of time when he was layed off and I cleaned other people's houses to make money.
I don't understand people who can't do simple math when it comes to money. You say, "Honey, we have this amount...if you want to spend more than that, you have to earn it, yourself."
I say make a budget, both of you sign it and stick to it. And, if you can't live on what you earn, then you have to A. Get a second job or B. She has to work.
or C. Move in with your parents.
You need to be good partners and work together. If she is just saying "It is coming along" every time you try to discuss the situation, you have a big problem with communication.
I hope you can work it out together.
However, there was a period of time when he was layed off and I cleaned other people's houses to make money.
I don't understand people who can't do simple math when it comes to money. You say, "Honey, we have this amount...if you want to spend more than that, you have to earn it, yourself."
I say make a budget, both of you sign it and stick to it. And, if you can't live on what you earn, then you have to A. Get a second job or B. She has to work.
or C. Move in with your parents.
You need to be good partners and work together. If she is just saying "It is coming along" every time you try to discuss the situation, you have a big problem with communication.
I hope you can work it out together.
momma2boys
12-09-2002, 11:21 AM
I have to tell you, first of all , I was a military wife and as Im sure you understand it is a big sacrifice on our part to go through this. Its very hard to be moving all the time, leaving friends and family , and being alone a lot of the time while your husband is deployed, or in the field or just plain working long hours. I told my husband that since we were moving to a new state right after I had our first son that I would be staying home to take care of him. We didnt know anyone and I was not leaving him with just anyone. As you know military pay does not go far and we were never so broke as when he was in. Well hes out now and I still take care of my kids at home, but we need extra income so I take care of two other children all day and one before and after school, as well as my own 2. Sometimes I hate it because all I do all day from 6:30 am until 9:00pm or sometimes later is do housework, cleaning , taking care of kids, etc. But we need the money and it allows me to be with my kids, so that is what I do. I know how hard it is around the holidays because right now we are trying to figure out how much extra we have to spend on our kids and everyone else and its very stressful when there just isnt enough to go around. Its a terrible feeling not to be able to give your kids what you'd like to give them. I think you need to explain how you feel to your wife and tell her she needs to take some responsibility for your family. If she refuses then something may be going on with her that you dont know about. Maybe she just feels like she gave up alot while you were in the military and did all that for you and now its her turn to do what she wants. I do know that before I started earning money babysitting my husband was always on my case, insulting me that I didnt have a job, and it was so insulting and hurtful that he pushed me more to not want to work than wanting to go earn money. So the more you just push , the more she may resist. Just be honest with her and then give her the chance to do something. If its worth working out to you though,and for your kids, I would suggest marriage counseling before you ask her to move out.
*SoccerMom*
12-09-2002, 12:01 PM
hi proud papa,
money can really tear apart a marriage if you let it. you and your wife need to sit down and set up a plan. there will always be times that we all go through difficult times (financially, emotionally, etc) but how we deal with it is what brings us closer together or tears us apart. my husband and i agreed that i should stay home with the kids before we married. We lost half of our income to do it but that was OUR choice. times have been tough and we had to sacrifice certain things that i have no regrets about (less expensive house, used cars, less impulsive spending) When it looked like I would have to go back to work or he would have to get a second job, I started a small home business that now earns what I would make if I went back to work and had to pay childcare. I feel so fortunate to be able to stay home with my kids. I also started online classes so that when my kids are older, I will be ready to get back to work full time.
There seems to be some other issues though. (partying, your feeling unhappy and you're ready to ask her to move out) I know that it can be difficult but you need to work out a financial plan that you both agree on. There was another point made about maybe she is getting the wrong signals. Maybe when you try to discuss the money issues it turns into a fight because of miscommunication.
Even though my hubby and I have this understanding, it can be stressful when he makes remarks about "the house being a mess" or about money. I take it too personally when he talks about being so tired because of this job. Best of luck to you both!
money can really tear apart a marriage if you let it. you and your wife need to sit down and set up a plan. there will always be times that we all go through difficult times (financially, emotionally, etc) but how we deal with it is what brings us closer together or tears us apart. my husband and i agreed that i should stay home with the kids before we married. We lost half of our income to do it but that was OUR choice. times have been tough and we had to sacrifice certain things that i have no regrets about (less expensive house, used cars, less impulsive spending) When it looked like I would have to go back to work or he would have to get a second job, I started a small home business that now earns what I would make if I went back to work and had to pay childcare. I feel so fortunate to be able to stay home with my kids. I also started online classes so that when my kids are older, I will be ready to get back to work full time.
There seems to be some other issues though. (partying, your feeling unhappy and you're ready to ask her to move out) I know that it can be difficult but you need to work out a financial plan that you both agree on. There was another point made about maybe she is getting the wrong signals. Maybe when you try to discuss the money issues it turns into a fight because of miscommunication.
Even though my hubby and I have this understanding, it can be stressful when he makes remarks about "the house being a mess" or about money. I take it too personally when he talks about being so tired because of this job. Best of luck to you both!
VNC21402
01-09-2003, 02:13 AM
Hey, I know exactly how you feel! I am a stay-at-home mom while my husband works a full-time job. I feel the EXACT same way about him. We have loads of bills and we can never get ahead, but he spends $400 on a fancy video card for the computer. As a result, we couldn't afford to pay all our bills. It took us weeks to get caught up because of Christmas. We have argued about money for months now. There's not much you can do...try talking to your wife and letting her know how you feel. Try designing a budget and sitting down with her to discuss it.