Matt M
02-07-2003, 12:37 PM
Hey, I'm writing this to get more perspective on a problem I'm facing right now - or rather, a very serious problem I'll probably face later on...
First of all, my situation. I'm 15 years old and I live with my parents... pretty normal situation I think, but here's the problem.
My family moved back to the UK when I was 12, and it was, at first, a huge shock for me. Both my parents are from here, but I pretty much have family all around the world. At first I hated it - which was more because I was missing my 'old life' than hating my new one and because it was so fundamentally life-altering that I just felt like I couldn't take it. I became depressed, didn't go to school and ended up drinking and getting involved in things I'm not proud of in the slightest.
After about a year I started to see more clearly once again and picked my life back up. Luckily it wasn't too late to salvage much of what had been lost but I lost many friends, damaged my relationship with my parents, didn't get pleasing results at school and gained a bad reputation there too. In some ways that period of my life still comes back to haunt me but I've gotten over it and am even thankful sometimes that I learnt my lesson early and will never do anything like that again.
Now my parents are wanting to move again - this time to Australia. They themselves admit this is because they want to retire there but are insistant that it will be good for us kids too (I have a younger brother who's very excited about going and an older brother who's staying here in the UK). I guess many of you will have already gathered this - and I've posted about his before but not in as much detail - but I don't want to go.
I've made a life for myself here. I know that can sound quite simply pathetic coming from a 15-year-old, but I truly have. I have a wonderful girlfriend, I don't drink at all anymore, I don't smoke anything, I don't do drugs, I work two jobs and am en route to achieving nearly a clean sweep of A's in my exams this summer.
So basically, my problem is that I want to stay here but my parents are going.
I began searching for alternatives a while ago and came up with a solution that, I'm confident, will work. I earn, on average £300 a month, and I've come across accomodation in my area for around £100-£150 pounds/monthly (that's for a single room and bathroom). Also, I've gone to my local supermarket and sorta had a look around at how much food I'd need to live on for a month and it came to around £50. Seriously now, I'd therefore be able to survive financially quite comfortably, and that's with NO support from my parents.
Also, I'm not the sort of kid who gets easily homesick, or who misses his parents after being away from home for a week and I like to think of myself as mature and responsible. Now that I've got some figures and done a little homework I'd like to talk to my parents about the possibility of staying in the UK without them. My older brother would be here too, and I'm sure the people in our church would look in on me from time to time. Plus, my parents have several very good friends living here and I'm sure they'd also make sure I was okay.
The thing is, whenever I bring this subject up, in an adult manner, with all the proof that this whole arrangement would work out my parents immediatly go on the defensive, my Dad gets extremely sensitive and hurt at the fact that I don't want to go with them and it just seems like no amount of sense will get through to them the fact that I'm not prepared to go through another move as major as one to Australia would be.
The thing is, I have another option, which I really don't want to have to use because it could quite possibly mess things up with my parents for life. By the time we leave I'll be 16, and that means I don't have to live at home anymore - legally I'm entitled to go and my parents can't stop me unless they have reason to believe I'm in extreme danger... even then they'd have to go through social services and it's not like an objective person would see me as being in extreme danger. So... I could go the route of rebelion if all else fails. That would be a last resort, but I could do it.
Anyway, I just wanna know what all of the parents who frequent this board think. I know it's pretty extreme, but my situation isn't exactly normal and I've thought through this whole thing thoroughly and objectively. I couldn't bare to go back to how I was, and to loose what I've gotten here. I've just about gotten over my OCD and self-injury problems too and I'm going places in my education now which is the main reason I don't want to leave. Thanks for any input in advance.
Matt.
First of all, my situation. I'm 15 years old and I live with my parents... pretty normal situation I think, but here's the problem.
My family moved back to the UK when I was 12, and it was, at first, a huge shock for me. Both my parents are from here, but I pretty much have family all around the world. At first I hated it - which was more because I was missing my 'old life' than hating my new one and because it was so fundamentally life-altering that I just felt like I couldn't take it. I became depressed, didn't go to school and ended up drinking and getting involved in things I'm not proud of in the slightest.
After about a year I started to see more clearly once again and picked my life back up. Luckily it wasn't too late to salvage much of what had been lost but I lost many friends, damaged my relationship with my parents, didn't get pleasing results at school and gained a bad reputation there too. In some ways that period of my life still comes back to haunt me but I've gotten over it and am even thankful sometimes that I learnt my lesson early and will never do anything like that again.
Now my parents are wanting to move again - this time to Australia. They themselves admit this is because they want to retire there but are insistant that it will be good for us kids too (I have a younger brother who's very excited about going and an older brother who's staying here in the UK). I guess many of you will have already gathered this - and I've posted about his before but not in as much detail - but I don't want to go.
I've made a life for myself here. I know that can sound quite simply pathetic coming from a 15-year-old, but I truly have. I have a wonderful girlfriend, I don't drink at all anymore, I don't smoke anything, I don't do drugs, I work two jobs and am en route to achieving nearly a clean sweep of A's in my exams this summer.
So basically, my problem is that I want to stay here but my parents are going.
I began searching for alternatives a while ago and came up with a solution that, I'm confident, will work. I earn, on average £300 a month, and I've come across accomodation in my area for around £100-£150 pounds/monthly (that's for a single room and bathroom). Also, I've gone to my local supermarket and sorta had a look around at how much food I'd need to live on for a month and it came to around £50. Seriously now, I'd therefore be able to survive financially quite comfortably, and that's with NO support from my parents.
Also, I'm not the sort of kid who gets easily homesick, or who misses his parents after being away from home for a week and I like to think of myself as mature and responsible. Now that I've got some figures and done a little homework I'd like to talk to my parents about the possibility of staying in the UK without them. My older brother would be here too, and I'm sure the people in our church would look in on me from time to time. Plus, my parents have several very good friends living here and I'm sure they'd also make sure I was okay.
The thing is, whenever I bring this subject up, in an adult manner, with all the proof that this whole arrangement would work out my parents immediatly go on the defensive, my Dad gets extremely sensitive and hurt at the fact that I don't want to go with them and it just seems like no amount of sense will get through to them the fact that I'm not prepared to go through another move as major as one to Australia would be.
The thing is, I have another option, which I really don't want to have to use because it could quite possibly mess things up with my parents for life. By the time we leave I'll be 16, and that means I don't have to live at home anymore - legally I'm entitled to go and my parents can't stop me unless they have reason to believe I'm in extreme danger... even then they'd have to go through social services and it's not like an objective person would see me as being in extreme danger. So... I could go the route of rebelion if all else fails. That would be a last resort, but I could do it.
Anyway, I just wanna know what all of the parents who frequent this board think. I know it's pretty extreme, but my situation isn't exactly normal and I've thought through this whole thing thoroughly and objectively. I couldn't bare to go back to how I was, and to loose what I've gotten here. I've just about gotten over my OCD and self-injury problems too and I'm going places in my education now which is the main reason I don't want to leave. Thanks for any input in advance.
Matt.
Sponsor
Pugbear
02-07-2003, 12:51 PM
Hi
reading your story made me feel for you alot. I think its terrible, but you seem to have come out of the situations a very mature strong person and you should be extremely proud of yourself.
i think your parents should be much more considerate towards everything you have worked so hard for.
I think one of them should read your post. It explains everything in a clear manner and if you truly feel your old enough to stay on your own then i think thats fine. I can totally understand your reasons for not wanting to go. i think your parents need to understand that your not a child anymore and you wont just 'follow' this time.
Is there no chance of staying with your older brother? or maybe try to get him on your side, to say he'll take care of you...this way your parents will feel much better about you staying..
I hope this all works out...i think your only options is to tell them all this and make them listen. Organise a proper family meeting, with structure...just insist they listen to your reasons and not just argue them.
Good luck ;) keep us updated!
reading your story made me feel for you alot. I think its terrible, but you seem to have come out of the situations a very mature strong person and you should be extremely proud of yourself.
i think your parents should be much more considerate towards everything you have worked so hard for.
I think one of them should read your post. It explains everything in a clear manner and if you truly feel your old enough to stay on your own then i think thats fine. I can totally understand your reasons for not wanting to go. i think your parents need to understand that your not a child anymore and you wont just 'follow' this time.
Is there no chance of staying with your older brother? or maybe try to get him on your side, to say he'll take care of you...this way your parents will feel much better about you staying..
I hope this all works out...i think your only options is to tell them all this and make them listen. Organise a proper family meeting, with structure...just insist they listen to your reasons and not just argue them.
Good luck ;) keep us updated!
charby15
02-07-2003, 01:15 PM
This situation is a little harder for me to judge on since I am in the US. It sounds like things are alot different there then they are here. At 15-16 years old i was a very mature and responsible kid, but there was no way I could support myself, I get aplauded here because I am 21 and have my own hom, a great job and take care of myself!!! But also leagally in the US you are your prarents responsibility until you are 18. You only mentioned rent and food to pay for...... Do you have a car? What about bills? like a phone, electricity, water and so on? When i was 18 I thought i could do it and i failed. I would just hate to see that happen with you and to have your family so far away.
But I see where you are coming from!! I am glad i never moved around. I grew up in the same small town my whole life. All my family is still there and i am only about 30 mins away.
But if you think you can do it then i would talk to them and maybe talk to you brother and see if you 2 could live together......
But I see where you are coming from!! I am glad i never moved around. I grew up in the same small town my whole life. All my family is still there and i am only about 30 mins away.
But if you think you can do it then i would talk to them and maybe talk to you brother and see if you 2 could live together......
CindyA
02-07-2003, 03:21 PM
Matt,
When I was a kid, we moved no less than 26 times, so I can relate to your fears, trepidation, etc.
I am a parent of a nearly 13 year-old. When we moved (from one town to another in the same metropolitan area) the last time (she was 9), I vowed, never again till she graduates.
I believe, wholeheartedly, that a kid's stability and sense of being grounded ("planted") should come before a parent's desire to relocate for any reason other than that which is absolutely necessary.
To me, and this is just my little opinion, it was one thing to already have moved you from continent to continent once. Now they want to do it again to a completely different continent? Do they have any idea the effects these kind of moves have on kids? Granted, Australia seems nice and warm, but all that doesn't matter to a vulnerable 15 year-old who is trying to find his place and stay within his reasonable comfort zones at this very trying time in life.
Why can't they wait another two or three years? Is there any chance of that?
You sound pretty mature, but I don't like the idea of any 16 year-old out their fending for himself and being "forced" to be an adult before his time.
Like the other person said, what about your brother? How old is he? Is that not an option?
Is there anything in your decision that is about your parents? Is it to get away from them? Is there resentment or other negative feelings? If not, keep talking to your parents and try to assure your dad that it's not about trying to hurt him, but that it's about trying to maintain your balance and sense of security.
Gosh, tough spot. I hope that your parents will somehow see that they have to put their children first in this one.
[This message has been edited by CindyA (edited 02-07-2003).]
When I was a kid, we moved no less than 26 times, so I can relate to your fears, trepidation, etc.
I am a parent of a nearly 13 year-old. When we moved (from one town to another in the same metropolitan area) the last time (she was 9), I vowed, never again till she graduates.
I believe, wholeheartedly, that a kid's stability and sense of being grounded ("planted") should come before a parent's desire to relocate for any reason other than that which is absolutely necessary.
To me, and this is just my little opinion, it was one thing to already have moved you from continent to continent once. Now they want to do it again to a completely different continent? Do they have any idea the effects these kind of moves have on kids? Granted, Australia seems nice and warm, but all that doesn't matter to a vulnerable 15 year-old who is trying to find his place and stay within his reasonable comfort zones at this very trying time in life.
Why can't they wait another two or three years? Is there any chance of that?
You sound pretty mature, but I don't like the idea of any 16 year-old out their fending for himself and being "forced" to be an adult before his time.
Like the other person said, what about your brother? How old is he? Is that not an option?
Is there anything in your decision that is about your parents? Is it to get away from them? Is there resentment or other negative feelings? If not, keep talking to your parents and try to assure your dad that it's not about trying to hurt him, but that it's about trying to maintain your balance and sense of security.
Gosh, tough spot. I hope that your parents will somehow see that they have to put their children first in this one.
[This message has been edited by CindyA (edited 02-07-2003).]
Matt M
02-08-2003, 09:44 AM
Thanks so much for the replies everyone, they mean a lot and sometimes you just need to hear other people's opinions...
About my brother, I wouldn't be able to stay with him because he's joining the army next year and will therefore be living in barracks for a good while to come.
I guess when I look at it it is a little unrealistic. I've considered transport - the buses in this area are very good and get me anywhere I want to go. I usually try to use them anyway rather than asking my parents for lifts, which brings me to another point.
CindyA, I'm gonna be totally frank about this. I love my parents dearly and totally appreciate everything they've done for me. I know they see moving to Australia as a benefit to us kids but they don't truly understand what it's like for us right now. Neither of them moved around as children, and although my Dad had a really rough childhood it's not the same.
It's almost as if I have nothing to complain about but everything. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'll tryv to explain. It's not like I'm deprived. I mean, sure, we don't have a lot of money, and never did, so when I was younger I never had the nice toys other kids had and didn't dress in the latest styles or anything - but I was loved by my family and got along. Now that I'm older I earn my own money and kinda think that my childhood's made me a more ambitious person.
My parents even complain that I work too much, but it doesn't bother me. I don't like being at home with them really. It's hard to explain, I just don't like it there. It's not that we don't get along either... I dunno. It's hard to explain.
About my brother, I wouldn't be able to stay with him because he's joining the army next year and will therefore be living in barracks for a good while to come.
I guess when I look at it it is a little unrealistic. I've considered transport - the buses in this area are very good and get me anywhere I want to go. I usually try to use them anyway rather than asking my parents for lifts, which brings me to another point.
CindyA, I'm gonna be totally frank about this. I love my parents dearly and totally appreciate everything they've done for me. I know they see moving to Australia as a benefit to us kids but they don't truly understand what it's like for us right now. Neither of them moved around as children, and although my Dad had a really rough childhood it's not the same.
It's almost as if I have nothing to complain about but everything. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I'll tryv to explain. It's not like I'm deprived. I mean, sure, we don't have a lot of money, and never did, so when I was younger I never had the nice toys other kids had and didn't dress in the latest styles or anything - but I was loved by my family and got along. Now that I'm older I earn my own money and kinda think that my childhood's made me a more ambitious person.
My parents even complain that I work too much, but it doesn't bother me. I don't like being at home with them really. It's hard to explain, I just don't like it there. It's not that we don't get along either... I dunno. It's hard to explain.