msrivers
02-05-2003, 01:16 PM
My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years now. When we married his son was 6 and my two kidos were 14 months and a little over two years. I got along ok with his x before we got married. I was the drop off babysitter point for her. She said that I was just a 'phase' my husband was going through. Well, then we got married. She went BALISTIC!! She hated any time that I would spend with T, and she went out of her way say or do things to hurt my feelings. This almost 40 year old woman is consumed with her hatred for me.I have tried being nice and politem I have tried ignoring, I have treid just about everything.
T and I have a GREAT relationship. I am the one that he comes to to talk about his problems. He gives me hugs and kisses me on the cheek at LEAST a dozen times a day. I am lucky because we have true joint custody, she has him one week, we have him the next. There is NO primary caregiver. However, since my husband works full time, and so does his x, I spend more time with T than the both of them put together. The weeks he is at her house he spends roaming the streets or playing Grand Theft Auto on his playstation.
Now, to make matters worse, their first son is 22 and just had his first baby, (one night stand thing). The mom of the baby views me as a grandmother, I have absolutley NO problem with that. They have started calling me nana in front of this precious baby. The babies mom and I are close in age, and have alot in common. I think that the x feels jealous of this. I was there at the hospital for 20 hours while the mom was in labor. My stepson wanted to go so I brought him along. The x hated seeing T with me and she made tried to make it so T would hang around with her, well, T didn't want to and he spent most of the time with me. The next day after the baby was born I took all of the kids, including T, to see their new neice. I heard someone ask the x what part of the family I was to which she answered, "Oh, she's nobody" OUCH!
The I was supposed to pick up T from her house at 6pm. I called her to ask her if she could drop T off at the hospital since that was where we were ( 1/2 mile away) and she said no, I could come pick him up. Ok, no biggy. I told her I would be a few minutes late to pick him up then.
When I arrived at her house fifteen minutes later there was a note on the door saying they had gone to a particular restuarant. ( At this point we started the whole catch me if you can thing) I went over to pick him up, she said no, I said yes, her boyfriend called me a b**ch. I said ok, fine, I need to run an ewrrand, I'll be bak in half an hour, figuring that would give them enough time to get the food they had or0dered and T could just bring it home with him. So I went to do th eerrands, went back to the restaaurant to pick him up,they were not there, I drove to her house, they were not there, I drove to th ehospital thinking she might have gone there, then I went BACK to the restaurant,called my husband crying, he said come home, let her play her stupid game. On a whim I drove BACK to her house where they had just pulled into the drive and were walking into the house. I hate her games. I feel so worthless when I am around her, I know she is the bio mom, but why can't a step-mom be just as close to their step-children as they are to their own? I love T dearly, he may not be blood of my blood, but he is heart of my heart. Please help put this in perspective for me, I just don't know what to do except try to ignore her.
T and I have a GREAT relationship. I am the one that he comes to to talk about his problems. He gives me hugs and kisses me on the cheek at LEAST a dozen times a day. I am lucky because we have true joint custody, she has him one week, we have him the next. There is NO primary caregiver. However, since my husband works full time, and so does his x, I spend more time with T than the both of them put together. The weeks he is at her house he spends roaming the streets or playing Grand Theft Auto on his playstation.
Now, to make matters worse, their first son is 22 and just had his first baby, (one night stand thing). The mom of the baby views me as a grandmother, I have absolutley NO problem with that. They have started calling me nana in front of this precious baby. The babies mom and I are close in age, and have alot in common. I think that the x feels jealous of this. I was there at the hospital for 20 hours while the mom was in labor. My stepson wanted to go so I brought him along. The x hated seeing T with me and she made tried to make it so T would hang around with her, well, T didn't want to and he spent most of the time with me. The next day after the baby was born I took all of the kids, including T, to see their new neice. I heard someone ask the x what part of the family I was to which she answered, "Oh, she's nobody" OUCH!
The I was supposed to pick up T from her house at 6pm. I called her to ask her if she could drop T off at the hospital since that was where we were ( 1/2 mile away) and she said no, I could come pick him up. Ok, no biggy. I told her I would be a few minutes late to pick him up then.
When I arrived at her house fifteen minutes later there was a note on the door saying they had gone to a particular restuarant. ( At this point we started the whole catch me if you can thing) I went over to pick him up, she said no, I said yes, her boyfriend called me a b**ch. I said ok, fine, I need to run an ewrrand, I'll be bak in half an hour, figuring that would give them enough time to get the food they had or0dered and T could just bring it home with him. So I went to do th eerrands, went back to the restaaurant to pick him up,they were not there, I drove to her house, they were not there, I drove to th ehospital thinking she might have gone there, then I went BACK to the restaurant,called my husband crying, he said come home, let her play her stupid game. On a whim I drove BACK to her house where they had just pulled into the drive and were walking into the house. I hate her games. I feel so worthless when I am around her, I know she is the bio mom, but why can't a step-mom be just as close to their step-children as they are to their own? I love T dearly, he may not be blood of my blood, but he is heart of my heart. Please help put this in perspective for me, I just don't know what to do except try to ignore her.
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Lindarella
02-05-2003, 04:39 PM
You sound like a wonderful, caring person. Don't let this woman and her games get to your mind.
My advise would be to see or speak to her as little as you can. She's never going to come around and think you're a wonderful person for taking such good care of her child. She's got some grudge up her butt that common sense can't budge... Sad isn't it, that people can't be more caring to the people who take care of their children?
When at all possible, have your husband do ALL the dealing with her. The exchanges of your s-son, the phone calls, everything.
If she pulls this chase game again, just go home. I think it may help you to remember when faced with "what should I do questions" is to try to always be the bigger person. To do the RIGHT thing, the mature and loving thing. The thing an ADULT would do. Sounds like you try very hard to please.
T will grow and grow fast. I'm sure you know that just by looking at your other children. Someday T will realize what happened during his childhood. He may not like his other mother for the way she behaved.
Your job here is to help raise T to be a kind, loving, productive and happy adult. Try hard to focus on giving to T and less on how she behaves.
And like I said, whenever possible, have your husband deal with her. Arrange pick up and drop off times that he can maintain.
Good luck to you.
Edit to add: I just reread your post and saw again the part where she said you were "nobody". Don't let that hurt you. People around you everyday can see how you behave and treat T. They're going to see HER for what she is. Someday people will say of you, "boy that woman put up with so much from T's mothers but acted in such a graceful and loving manner." Credit usually ends up where it's deserved. I'd have prayed for a step-mom like you for my kids...
[This message has been edited by Lindarella (edited 02-05-2003).]
My advise would be to see or speak to her as little as you can. She's never going to come around and think you're a wonderful person for taking such good care of her child. She's got some grudge up her butt that common sense can't budge... Sad isn't it, that people can't be more caring to the people who take care of their children?
When at all possible, have your husband do ALL the dealing with her. The exchanges of your s-son, the phone calls, everything.
If she pulls this chase game again, just go home. I think it may help you to remember when faced with "what should I do questions" is to try to always be the bigger person. To do the RIGHT thing, the mature and loving thing. The thing an ADULT would do. Sounds like you try very hard to please.
T will grow and grow fast. I'm sure you know that just by looking at your other children. Someday T will realize what happened during his childhood. He may not like his other mother for the way she behaved.
Your job here is to help raise T to be a kind, loving, productive and happy adult. Try hard to focus on giving to T and less on how she behaves.
And like I said, whenever possible, have your husband deal with her. Arrange pick up and drop off times that he can maintain.
Good luck to you.
Edit to add: I just reread your post and saw again the part where she said you were "nobody". Don't let that hurt you. People around you everyday can see how you behave and treat T. They're going to see HER for what she is. Someday people will say of you, "boy that woman put up with so much from T's mothers but acted in such a graceful and loving manner." Credit usually ends up where it's deserved. I'd have prayed for a step-mom like you for my kids...
[This message has been edited by Lindarella (edited 02-05-2003).]
mushroom1
02-10-2003, 03:10 PM
I am not a step-mom, so I don't know what that would feel like, but I am a mom. If my husband and I divorced and he remarried...I would not want my children or grandchildren to see her as their 2nd mom/grandmother. I would hope that she would keep a certain amount of distance out of respect for me.
If I ever became a stepmother, I would try to do the same. Imagine feeling like you are in a popularity contest with another woman (esp. younger) over your own children.
If I ever became a stepmother, I would try to do the same. Imagine feeling like you are in a popularity contest with another woman (esp. younger) over your own children.
charby15
02-10-2003, 04:50 PM
Mushroom: that would be very selfish cause if you were a good mother you would want you kids to have a good relatioship with there step mother. She seems to take care of her step son more then the mother and father do. The child needs some stability. What is she suppose to do.... SOrry kid i am not your real mother so i can't love you like my own.... and while we are in the car after i pick you up we can't talk out of respect for your mother!!!!! Maybe you don't know anyone that is in a split home but what the children need is lots and lots of love. The only way a child would start callin there step mother mom is if the real mother isn't stepin up and doing what she needs to do....
mydog8mybrain
02-10-2003, 10:29 PM
The ole brainless dog is reading between the lines here. Lemmie see - - - -
Your hubby has a son that is 22....... you are not that far apart in age from the birth mom........ your kids are 2 yrs and 14 mos (or were, anyway). YOU refer to his ex as a 40 year old........ so........ it appears to the old dog here that you are much younger than your husband (like, ummm.... y0ou were just a "phase" right?)
Heavens dear - -- - she's jealous! IN fact, I'll go one step further..... I'll bet that she is not only jealous, but that she feels threatened because you, my dear, are probably look like something off of the cover of a beauty magazine.
Hang in there. She's hit 40. That brings all kinds of wierd things out in women. She'll get over it in a few years.
Sorry you are in this spot. Of course, you could have a little fun with it all by making sure you look your absolute best anytime you are going to be in public with her. I had best hush now. :)
Bruce
------------------
Those parents that choose to dispense "tough love" to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.
Your hubby has a son that is 22....... you are not that far apart in age from the birth mom........ your kids are 2 yrs and 14 mos (or were, anyway). YOU refer to his ex as a 40 year old........ so........ it appears to the old dog here that you are much younger than your husband (like, ummm.... y0ou were just a "phase" right?)
Heavens dear - -- - she's jealous! IN fact, I'll go one step further..... I'll bet that she is not only jealous, but that she feels threatened because you, my dear, are probably look like something off of the cover of a beauty magazine.
Hang in there. She's hit 40. That brings all kinds of wierd things out in women. She'll get over it in a few years.
Sorry you are in this spot. Of course, you could have a little fun with it all by making sure you look your absolute best anytime you are going to be in public with her. I had best hush now. :)
Bruce
------------------
Those parents that choose to dispense "tough love" to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.
mushroom1
02-11-2003, 02:11 AM
I didn't say that I wouldn't want my children to have a good relationship with their stepmother, I would.
However, I wouldn't want her to try to be their mother.
I earned that with labor, delivery and breastfeeding.
Not to mention, the everlasting stretch marks.
I don't think the step-mom should ever confront the real mom with visitation business. I think that should all be handled between the actual parents.
However, I wouldn't want her to try to be their mother.
I earned that with labor, delivery and breastfeeding.
Not to mention, the everlasting stretch marks.
I don't think the step-mom should ever confront the real mom with visitation business. I think that should all be handled between the actual parents.
msrivers
02-11-2003, 01:35 PM
I love my step son dearly. When it is our week to have him he is ALWAYS giving me big hugs or kissing me on the cheek, and he is 13 years old!! I believe that his mom played head games with him when my husband and I got married. When Terry saw my husband and I love and adopt our youngest, ( yes, my baby is adopted), he began to realize that one does not have to share a blood line in order to be a truly loving family. He started realizing that I am the MOTHER in our household and he began treating me accordingly. I believe that I have earned the right for him to call me mom, mama, step-mom, my name, WHATEVER he wants to call me. You see, I have earned his respect and admiration. I may not have carried him in my womb for 9 months, I may not have breast fed him for 6 weeks, I don't have stretch marks because of him, but there is SO much more involved in parenting than giving birth. I feel that I have gone through labor pains with Terry, 6 years of them to be exact. Now looking back, all of that pain was so TOTALLY worth what we have today. And as for respecting his mother, I tried. Honestly, at first I tried SO very hard. But a person can only take so much and she has given me no reason to respect her. Terry has actually apologized to me for his mother's behavior towards me. So, no, I don't feel as though she deserves one ounce of my respect at ALL!!! I am civil towards her and that is the most I will do.
charby15
02-11-2003, 02:14 PM
msrivers: You should be a roll model for all step mothers and mothers for that matter. What you have done is a beautiful thing. I have an Ex BF that for the 2 years we were together i was his mother, father, bestfriend, girlfriend, EVERYTHING! his step-mother didn't care cause he wasn't hers, his real mother and father played head games like you wouldn't beleive. He had knowone but me. Keep doing what you are doing.
mushroom1
02-11-2003, 03:08 PM
I am pretty suspicious of the whole evil "X" thing.
If all is as you said, then your husband married a terrible person the first time and a wonderful person the second time...
The X seems hurt to me. Did he leave her, by chance?
Or maybe she has to see him being a good husband to you when he never was to her?
The way I see it is the two of you are fighting with each other...and where is your husband? It took the two of them to mess up their marriage...maybe there is a lot he has not told you. Maybe he hurt her very badly?
I recommend counseling for your family...including the x wife. Maybe she and your husband could go, just the two of them to work out a more amicable divorce?
Just an idea.
If all is as you said, then your husband married a terrible person the first time and a wonderful person the second time...
The X seems hurt to me. Did he leave her, by chance?
Or maybe she has to see him being a good husband to you when he never was to her?
The way I see it is the two of you are fighting with each other...and where is your husband? It took the two of them to mess up their marriage...maybe there is a lot he has not told you. Maybe he hurt her very badly?
I recommend counseling for your family...including the x wife. Maybe she and your husband could go, just the two of them to work out a more amicable divorce?
Just an idea.
msrivers
02-11-2003, 06:44 PM
They were married for almost 10 years. She left him for another guy, after husband caught them in bed together. They had a VERY amicable divorce. She had the best of both worlds, she had all of the boyfriends she wanted, but when she needed something done, ie. defrost water pipes, go to town and jump start her car because she forgot to turn off her lights and went out drinking, or a couch to sleep on when she locked herself out of her house, my husband was there for her. ALWAYS!!! The two boys basically lived with him while she did her "single" thing. Then I came along. Yes, I am younger by ten years. I also had two young children. When I stepped into the picture she would drop Terry off at my house so I could watch him. When we got married, her 'security' was gone, no longer could she wake him up in the middle of the night to help her out of a jam. To make matters worse for her, her two boys LIKED me. Heaven Forbid!!!
We tried mediation, she refuses to speak to me about anuthing. She told the judge that I "ruined everthing". The judge told her to grow up. That was 5 years ago and I am STILL waiting!! I know there is nothing I can do about her immature behavior, I just concentrate on being the best MOTHER I can be, to ALL of my children.
We tried mediation, she refuses to speak to me about anuthing. She told the judge that I "ruined everthing". The judge told her to grow up. That was 5 years ago and I am STILL waiting!! I know there is nothing I can do about her immature behavior, I just concentrate on being the best MOTHER I can be, to ALL of my children.
mushroom1
02-12-2003, 02:47 PM
I don't think that YOU should fight with her. I think that all of the negative stuff should be handled by your husband, not you.
Your story sounds very one-sided, so black and white.
She is bad and you are good. If that is true, it is unusual...but not unheard of.
Maybe you could handle her, as I handle my own mother...as a crazy person. That way you know that whatever she says doesn't matter, because she is just "crazy" and leave the rest to your husband. He should be protecting you from her.
Your story sounds very one-sided, so black and white.
She is bad and you are good. If that is true, it is unusual...but not unheard of.
Maybe you could handle her, as I handle my own mother...as a crazy person. That way you know that whatever she says doesn't matter, because she is just "crazy" and leave the rest to your husband. He should be protecting you from her.
charby15
02-12-2003, 04:47 PM
mushroom: Her situation is not unusual at all. It happens everyday!!! Maybe her husbands work hours don't work for him to pic up his son and that is why she does it. As for discussing time, money and so on then yes it should be the mother and father. I have a good friend that has a 5 year old son who lives with the father. He is remarried and the step mother is great!!! My friend strictly deals with her because her and the father can't get along. She doesn't hate that her son has a part time mommy and he knows she could never replace his mother.
She sounds like a nutcase that wants to have her cake and eat it too. Just like she was saying before he got remarried he would do anything for her at the drop of a hat then it stopped. I have seen that happen many time with relationships.....
she is jealous. What msrivers needs to do is just avoid confrintation with her and just keep doing what she is doing in her home. Loving the children and making good memories for them. Not memories of mommy and daddy fighting.
She sounds like a nutcase that wants to have her cake and eat it too. Just like she was saying before he got remarried he would do anything for her at the drop of a hat then it stopped. I have seen that happen many time with relationships.....
she is jealous. What msrivers needs to do is just avoid confrintation with her and just keep doing what she is doing in her home. Loving the children and making good memories for them. Not memories of mommy and daddy fighting.
msrivers
02-12-2003, 10:52 PM
It isn't that we FIGHT so much as she ignores me and sees me as a non person. Well, when she wants something from me suddenly I become a person. I have been human with her and have made my share of mistakes, for which I have apologized. ( Being late for a doctor's apt. Talking to his teacher when my H wasn't able to get off work to do so. Being five minutes late for her to pick him up from our house, we had gone swimming and ALL of the kids were wanting to stay) Things like that. I have tried to put myself in her shoes to see how she would feel. I have looked at my two children and thought of how I would love it if their step-mom treated them how I treat Terry. I just don't get it. No, I don't think it is black and white, the grey area is pretty big. I just couldn't live with myself if Terry didn't feel as though he truly belonged to this family. Every child has the right to feel loved, cherished, and special, and I don't see why a step-parent can't be allowed to do that.
Her standards are double, she lets her boyfriend do things with and for Terry that she screams bloody murder when I do them. I just believe the woman is weird and jealous and has the attitude of " Well, I didn't want him but I didn't want anybody ELSE to have him either" ( talking about my H)
So, there, that is it, if people think I am wrong and that I am overstepping the 'motherhood' boundaries, well, that's too bad.
Her standards are double, she lets her boyfriend do things with and for Terry that she screams bloody murder when I do them. I just believe the woman is weird and jealous and has the attitude of " Well, I didn't want him but I didn't want anybody ELSE to have him either" ( talking about my H)
So, there, that is it, if people think I am wrong and that I am overstepping the 'motherhood' boundaries, well, that's too bad.