tamlis
01-06-2003, 12:55 AM
My son is 18 years old and in his last year of school. My problems is he basically comes and goes as he pleases and I have a difficult time controlling him, although he isn't really a bad kid. But he seems to relate to me more as a peer than an adult parent. I feel this may be partly because we had to live with my parents when he was growing up for several years and they watched him as I worked and also seen my parents relating to me sometimes as their child and not another adult. He played on this and ran to them which they did not discourage. Now I have trouble respecting me as an authority. What can I do? Thanks
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*SoccerMom*
01-06-2003, 09:46 PM
Hi Tamlis~
My son is just beginning to go through puberty at 12 but I think I can relate to your issues anyway. I lived with my parents for a while when my son was small and it didn't take much for me to realize what a mistake that was. It is hard to make ends meet and sometimes we have to rely on a helping hand...I am grateful for the help that they gave but I don't think they realize how much they hurt me then either. It was a constant power struggle over who was to discipline my son...and I just would be amazed that these were the same people that raised me!! :) The sad thing is that my young son learned really quick how to use that to his advantage AND there I was the child being scolded again!! It was horrible. It seems that it is a hard cycle to break. That was over 8 years ago and my son still knows what buttons to push when we go over to visit. My advise is to set strict ground rules for your home and tell him that you are wise to how he plays you and your parents against each other. Don't expect your folks to see it though because mine never did. I just love them regardless since I guess it is a grandparents priviledge. My mom says that she learned a lot the hard way and thinks I am too strict. ANYWAY, I would just suggest talking to your son since he is basically an adult now and tell him that regardless of what has happened in the past, he now needs to treat you and your rules with the proper respect. Maybe even allow him some extra space to make some decisions (even if they are bad ones) but set some strict guidelines about always calling and checking in with you regardless. Best of Luck! :)
My son is just beginning to go through puberty at 12 but I think I can relate to your issues anyway. I lived with my parents for a while when my son was small and it didn't take much for me to realize what a mistake that was. It is hard to make ends meet and sometimes we have to rely on a helping hand...I am grateful for the help that they gave but I don't think they realize how much they hurt me then either. It was a constant power struggle over who was to discipline my son...and I just would be amazed that these were the same people that raised me!! :) The sad thing is that my young son learned really quick how to use that to his advantage AND there I was the child being scolded again!! It was horrible. It seems that it is a hard cycle to break. That was over 8 years ago and my son still knows what buttons to push when we go over to visit. My advise is to set strict ground rules for your home and tell him that you are wise to how he plays you and your parents against each other. Don't expect your folks to see it though because mine never did. I just love them regardless since I guess it is a grandparents priviledge. My mom says that she learned a lot the hard way and thinks I am too strict. ANYWAY, I would just suggest talking to your son since he is basically an adult now and tell him that regardless of what has happened in the past, he now needs to treat you and your rules with the proper respect. Maybe even allow him some extra space to make some decisions (even if they are bad ones) but set some strict guidelines about always calling and checking in with you regardless. Best of Luck! :)
tamlis
01-07-2003, 01:33 AM
Thanks Soccer Mom- it makes me feel better to know someone understands. I try to put my foot down, but when I try to discipline him for being disrespectful of me and not following rules, it seemss to not go anywhere. I work evenings and he just does what he feels while Im at work. I kind of feel like I have failed in some respects as a parent. Thanks for caring
*SoccerMom*
01-07-2003, 08:57 AM
Tamlis~
Discipline is such a hard thing to do. As parents, we have to be consistent with the punishment and rules that we give. This is easier said than done in this hectic world that we live in. I am hoping for someone with some great advice to be lurching around the boards but for the meantime I will give you mine. I have worked long and hard hours (but not with a teen). Not sure what type of job or friend base you have. I would ask my son to call and check in with you at various times. I would also get some assistance from friends and family to help monitor what he is doing. Like I mentioned before, he is 18 and basically an adult. Treat him with respect but have that long talk that I mentioned earlier. By the way, please don't feel that you failed him......believe me, I think there is a special prize for parents in heaven! :) I feel that when we love our children unconditionally, we do the best we can for them!
Discipline is such a hard thing to do. As parents, we have to be consistent with the punishment and rules that we give. This is easier said than done in this hectic world that we live in. I am hoping for someone with some great advice to be lurching around the boards but for the meantime I will give you mine. I have worked long and hard hours (but not with a teen). Not sure what type of job or friend base you have. I would ask my son to call and check in with you at various times. I would also get some assistance from friends and family to help monitor what he is doing. Like I mentioned before, he is 18 and basically an adult. Treat him with respect but have that long talk that I mentioned earlier. By the way, please don't feel that you failed him......believe me, I think there is a special prize for parents in heaven! :) I feel that when we love our children unconditionally, we do the best we can for them!
Chelle1977
01-07-2003, 10:38 AM
Is he having trouble in school? If not, let him go. He's an adult now and can simply decide to pick up and leave if he wants. Encourage him to participate in activities like after school sports or a parttime job and after that, treat him like the adult he is.
RPlant
02-15-2003, 05:25 AM
If he is 18, he is a legal adult, and consequently the state no longer recognizes your authority over him.
Perhaps it is time to stop treating him like a child?
Perhaps it is time to stop treating him like a child?
BettyRose
02-15-2003, 04:54 PM
Originally posted by RPlant:
If he is 18, he is a legal adult, and consequently the state no longer recognizes your authority over him.
Perhaps it is time to stop treating him like a child?
But he is still in High School there's got to be some sort of legal authority she has over him. (I'm asking b/c I don't know).
To tamlis: it is so hard to be a parent especially in this day and age. I'm only 28 and I don't have any kids yet but I know the lady that used to work with me had a teenage son and she was a single mother. Her son sounds like yours. It's hard to put boundaries on them especially when they are 18 and think they can do what they want when they want just b/c they are 18. She finally got fed up and told him if he wanted to do whatever he wanted then he had to move out or live with his dad - neither of which he wanted to do. But that didn't solve the problem. He would call her at work and yell at her, tell her she was stupid, cuss her out and then had the nerve to ask for money. It was horrible. I hated seeing her go through that everyday. She prayed for the moment he graduated. She and her brother had talked him into going into the service. He came home for Christmas and came to the office to see us - what an amazing turn around he did. He did a lot of growing up!!! Now that they've actually got a relationship he's being shipped overseas.
I know that's not any advice but there is always hope.
If he is 18, he is a legal adult, and consequently the state no longer recognizes your authority over him.
Perhaps it is time to stop treating him like a child?
But he is still in High School there's got to be some sort of legal authority she has over him. (I'm asking b/c I don't know).
To tamlis: it is so hard to be a parent especially in this day and age. I'm only 28 and I don't have any kids yet but I know the lady that used to work with me had a teenage son and she was a single mother. Her son sounds like yours. It's hard to put boundaries on them especially when they are 18 and think they can do what they want when they want just b/c they are 18. She finally got fed up and told him if he wanted to do whatever he wanted then he had to move out or live with his dad - neither of which he wanted to do. But that didn't solve the problem. He would call her at work and yell at her, tell her she was stupid, cuss her out and then had the nerve to ask for money. It was horrible. I hated seeing her go through that everyday. She prayed for the moment he graduated. She and her brother had talked him into going into the service. He came home for Christmas and came to the office to see us - what an amazing turn around he did. He did a lot of growing up!!! Now that they've actually got a relationship he's being shipped overseas.
I know that's not any advice but there is always hope.