ellekat19
02-27-2003, 05:25 PM
Help!! My little boy only want to sleep in bed with my husband and I. He was doing fine in his own room until we recently bought a house and moved. He will start out in his room and wake up a few hours later only to escape his crib and get into bed with us. Any suggestions?
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lil red chevy
02-27-2003, 11:19 PM
I used to have this very same problem but my son was a little older. I just made him a deal. It told him that if he can sleep in his own bed for two nights in a row he could earn something small....toy or treat. Then when he came to my bed I would remind him that he needs to stay in his own bed or he would not get promised item. Once he can do two days I went to four then one week then two etc. He now knows that unless he is feeling ill or has a good reason to wake me up he best stay put.
Because you little one is much yopunger you may want to make him a small "bed" beside your bed. If he tries to sneak in at night tell him he needs to lay on the floor beside you and he is not allowed in the bed.
Also make sure the crib has enough blankets so he is not waking up due to feeling cold and wanting to cuddle. A night light may also be useful.
Hope this helps some!! Hope you get a good night s rest!
lil red chevy
Because you little one is much yopunger you may want to make him a small "bed" beside your bed. If he tries to sneak in at night tell him he needs to lay on the floor beside you and he is not allowed in the bed.
Also make sure the crib has enough blankets so he is not waking up due to feeling cold and wanting to cuddle. A night light may also be useful.
Hope this helps some!! Hope you get a good night s rest!
lil red chevy
ellekat19
02-28-2003, 10:56 AM
The worst part is that I will put him in his bed, read to him for a while, and then as soon as I walk out he cries for me forever. It sounds like someone is hurting him he cries so hard. It almost makes me feel like a bad parent because I am tired of sleeping with my son. But because of it, my husband and I get no alone time anymore. I just feel so bad hearing my baby cry the way he does...
lil red chevy
02-28-2003, 10:31 PM
I had the same problem.....guilt. You are not a bad parent for allowing a child to cry. If you have tucked him in and read a story or just cuddled for a few minutes and then leave the room and the child starts crying he is doing it because he knows you will return. Stay tough and tell him he needs to stay in his own bed and that you will not be comming back in the room just because he cries for you. He will probally cry very hard for a while maybe even the first few days but when he realizes that mom isnt going to run in when he cries he will stop. Having alone time with or without hubby is a good thing. Never feel guilty or that you are not a good parent. Having personal time will actually make you a better parent. Good luck!
lil red chevy
lil red chevy
franjo
03-02-2003, 04:04 PM
I agree with lilredchevy. The crying is enough to break any mother's heart, but try to remember that you're also teaching your child coping skills by allowing him to experience a 'dilemna'.
I had the same problems with my 3 y/o until recently. I know it can be maddening! You may want to read my post on the 'Childrens Health' board titled, "Sleepless in Indiana".
I ended up taking away his nap. I'm not suggesting that you do that, in your case, but it helped with us. I guess my son is just one of those who gives their naps up early.
One of the things that really seemed to help us: I would tell him that I would come back into his room in 15 minutes to check on him. That seemed to ease his mind and he would stay in bed to wait for me. After a week or so of this, he would already be fast asleep before my first 'check'. He still crawls into bed with us, but it's usually around 5-6am. I think my husband leaving for work wakes him.
I hope you're able to find what works for you and your little one. Every child is different and each child is motivated by different things. I do think that your recent move has alot to do with his sudden sleeping behavior. Have you unpacked all of his familiar things into his new room yet? Is the new room further away from yours than it was at the old place? These things will probably just take some time and patience. Good Luck, it WILL get better!.....franjo
I had the same problems with my 3 y/o until recently. I know it can be maddening! You may want to read my post on the 'Childrens Health' board titled, "Sleepless in Indiana".
I ended up taking away his nap. I'm not suggesting that you do that, in your case, but it helped with us. I guess my son is just one of those who gives their naps up early.
One of the things that really seemed to help us: I would tell him that I would come back into his room in 15 minutes to check on him. That seemed to ease his mind and he would stay in bed to wait for me. After a week or so of this, he would already be fast asleep before my first 'check'. He still crawls into bed with us, but it's usually around 5-6am. I think my husband leaving for work wakes him.
I hope you're able to find what works for you and your little one. Every child is different and each child is motivated by different things. I do think that your recent move has alot to do with his sudden sleeping behavior. Have you unpacked all of his familiar things into his new room yet? Is the new room further away from yours than it was at the old place? These things will probably just take some time and patience. Good Luck, it WILL get better!.....franjo
Marie55
03-02-2003, 08:40 PM
Your son has not made the adjustment to new enviroment in new home. His security has been shaken, no longer in his famaliar bedroom. In time he will adjust but in the meantime give him plenty of cuddle time and reassurance.
I am a firm believer in not letting a child cry and cry. They cry for a reason, find out what the reason is and then work on it. You cannot expect a child to act like an adult.
Children need cuddling, loving arms, a feeling of belonging and not being shoved away. No one likes feeling rejected by their parents.
Parent's private time can be adjusted around the children without any problem, that is, if mother and father both have a loving relationship and both want the best for their children.
Marie
I am a firm believer in not letting a child cry and cry. They cry for a reason, find out what the reason is and then work on it. You cannot expect a child to act like an adult.
Children need cuddling, loving arms, a feeling of belonging and not being shoved away. No one likes feeling rejected by their parents.
Parent's private time can be adjusted around the children without any problem, that is, if mother and father both have a loving relationship and both want the best for their children.
Marie
lil red chevy
03-03-2003, 09:38 PM
I have to disagree with Marie on this one. I think that your child will certainly need time to adjust. And yes by all means reassure him at every chance he needs. Tell him you love him and how special he is and how even though you are all in a new place it is his place too. Reassure him that you would never leave him ect ect. BUT if you start allowing your child to come to your bedroom he will make it a habit very quick. Also if mom runs everytime he makes a noise he will learn how to get what he wants from crying. I am certainly not saying allow the child to cry for hours and hours. But I see no harm in allowing the child 15 mins. Parents need personal time. This does not indicate that you do not love your child. Even in a healthy marriage you need time with your spouse as well as time for yourself. Get your child a special bear or other stuffy to sleep with. Let him know you love him and that you are just in the other room. Good Luck! Keep us posted!
lil red chevy
lil red chevy
seasant
03-15-2003, 06:28 AM
1 1/2 year old wants to sleep with mommy and daddy...geez, what the heck is weird about that? Absolutely nothing. What is weird, and cruel, is that most of you think it is horrible.
Even animals would not leave their young alone in a kiva at that age equivalence.
Read "The Family Bed" and get a grip on why you want to push this child from your loving arms. Why not just put a little side bed next to yours.
My heart aches for your little one, and all the other children whose parents allow them to cry themselves to sleep. Would you do that to an adult? I doubt it, or at least hope not.
Remember, intelligence can only be gained when one is secure enough to not have to worry about their well-being. Perhaps most of you prefer blind obedience over intelligence.
I'm sorry I sound rather harsh here, but the thought of so many of you believing it is ok to let a baby cry themself to sleep is just beyond my heart's ability to understand. I feel so sorry for your little children.
I will pray for all the nightly abandoned children.
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Even animals would not leave their young alone in a kiva at that age equivalence.
Read "The Family Bed" and get a grip on why you want to push this child from your loving arms. Why not just put a little side bed next to yours.
My heart aches for your little one, and all the other children whose parents allow them to cry themselves to sleep. Would you do that to an adult? I doubt it, or at least hope not.
Remember, intelligence can only be gained when one is secure enough to not have to worry about their well-being. Perhaps most of you prefer blind obedience over intelligence.
I'm sorry I sound rather harsh here, but the thought of so many of you believing it is ok to let a baby cry themself to sleep is just beyond my heart's ability to understand. I feel so sorry for your little children.
I will pray for all the nightly abandoned children.
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franjo
03-15-2003, 02:08 PM
I may have totally missed the direction of this thread, but I don't think anyone is talking about letting their children cry themselves to sleep. My son has never cried himself to sleep. And when he is truly frightened of something, or sick, my bed is where I want him to be. I suppose if I actually lived in a kiva, he would sleep with me every single night, regardless.
I think some mental images are being conjured up here that don't accurately reflect what is being discussed. Just my take on it.....franjo
I think some mental images are being conjured up here that don't accurately reflect what is being discussed. Just my take on it.....franjo
seasant
03-15-2003, 07:25 PM
Well, maybe the thread is taking a different turn because it is not focusing on the way to keep the baby/child out of the parents' room, but how to keep the child in the parents' room. Franjo, you agreed with Litredchevy and I just happen to agree with Marie. But then, I am a bit different, as I believe breastfeeding (which I call nursing) is best when there is child led weening, not society led. I've heard most women on the east coast feel only animals nurse their young.
Imagine that, letting your children sleep in your bed and allowing them to nurse as long as they want! What a societal uproar the average American would be in! So many people are so judgmental about these sorts of things. No doubt that's why Ellekat19 wants her little one out of her bed, since if "society" heard about it she'd have to take criticism. But, if it has to do with having sex with her husband...there are other places in the house - and it could even spice up their relationship!
No hard feelings Franjo, just a difference in philosophy I guess.
It is quite important that children feel secure in order to be able to expand their mind in a healthy way. If your basic need for security is not met, you will be trying to figure out a way to get it met. Whereas if your security need is met, your hunger need is met, your touch need met, etc. your mind will be free to explore the world around you and to absorb its wonder and knowledge. I know this to be true, not only by my years of study, but also by the results I have witnessed in my own two children. But I won't brag :-)
Take care all.
------------------
Imagine that, letting your children sleep in your bed and allowing them to nurse as long as they want! What a societal uproar the average American would be in! So many people are so judgmental about these sorts of things. No doubt that's why Ellekat19 wants her little one out of her bed, since if "society" heard about it she'd have to take criticism. But, if it has to do with having sex with her husband...there are other places in the house - and it could even spice up their relationship!
No hard feelings Franjo, just a difference in philosophy I guess.
It is quite important that children feel secure in order to be able to expand their mind in a healthy way. If your basic need for security is not met, you will be trying to figure out a way to get it met. Whereas if your security need is met, your hunger need is met, your touch need met, etc. your mind will be free to explore the world around you and to absorb its wonder and knowledge. I know this to be true, not only by my years of study, but also by the results I have witnessed in my own two children. But I won't brag :-)
Take care all.
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franjo
03-16-2003, 03:45 AM
Seasant,
It may surprise you to know that I do agree with a lot of what you last posted. Particularly, your final paragraph. I also agree that societal pressure has an enormous influence over how we raise our children, and virtually every other aspect of our lives. It is so pervasive that we're often not even aware of its influence.
I did, however, take exception to a particular statement you made in your original post in this thread, "I feel so sorry for your little children". I think you've made some broad generalizations about the people who've posted on this thread, and broad assumptions about this topic. And the sterotypical remark about women on the east coast doesn't even deserve a response.
That being said, I do respect your opinion and your right to have it as well as speak it. Listening to the philosophies of others is what I do for a living.
Parenting styles vary significantly. Whether it's societal, cultural, regional, familial, or individual differences, I respect any style in which the child feels loved, protected, and esteemed.
-franjo
It may surprise you to know that I do agree with a lot of what you last posted. Particularly, your final paragraph. I also agree that societal pressure has an enormous influence over how we raise our children, and virtually every other aspect of our lives. It is so pervasive that we're often not even aware of its influence.
I did, however, take exception to a particular statement you made in your original post in this thread, "I feel so sorry for your little children". I think you've made some broad generalizations about the people who've posted on this thread, and broad assumptions about this topic. And the sterotypical remark about women on the east coast doesn't even deserve a response.
That being said, I do respect your opinion and your right to have it as well as speak it. Listening to the philosophies of others is what I do for a living.
Parenting styles vary significantly. Whether it's societal, cultural, regional, familial, or individual differences, I respect any style in which the child feels loved, protected, and esteemed.
-franjo
seasant
03-16-2003, 08:38 AM
Franjo, thanks for your nice response. When I mentioned about feeling sorry for the little children who have to fall asleep crying, I meant it. I really do. I'm not saying that the posters have done that, although one of them sure seemed to imply that, but the general tone was that to do so was ok. I completely disagree, that's all. I simply could not do it.
As far as the east coast women not breast feeding/nursing their children, I believe there is research to verify this generalization. Also, do you remember the case over ten years ago when a mother of a nursing toddler (about 2 years old) had her child taken from her because she nursed her. This was in some northern Atlantic coast state, I forgot which one - anyway, I read the report and comments from locals in the general area that went something like this: "It's impossible to nurse a child over two." "How perverted and sick." At that time it was brought out that women on the east coast do not nurse their children very often, and if so, only for a very short time. Yes, this is generalizing, but it is not stereotyping. Perhaps there will be many northern Atlantic coast women who will let us know the length of time they nursed each of their children. By the way, did you know the international average for nursing each child is 4.3 years? I read the Dali Llama nursed until he was 10.
Sounds like you have an interesting job, listening to other people's philosophies. What do you do with that information, may I ask?
Take care, and thanks again for the nice response.
------------------
As far as the east coast women not breast feeding/nursing their children, I believe there is research to verify this generalization. Also, do you remember the case over ten years ago when a mother of a nursing toddler (about 2 years old) had her child taken from her because she nursed her. This was in some northern Atlantic coast state, I forgot which one - anyway, I read the report and comments from locals in the general area that went something like this: "It's impossible to nurse a child over two." "How perverted and sick." At that time it was brought out that women on the east coast do not nurse their children very often, and if so, only for a very short time. Yes, this is generalizing, but it is not stereotyping. Perhaps there will be many northern Atlantic coast women who will let us know the length of time they nursed each of their children. By the way, did you know the international average for nursing each child is 4.3 years? I read the Dali Llama nursed until he was 10.
Sounds like you have an interesting job, listening to other people's philosophies. What do you do with that information, may I ask?
Take care, and thanks again for the nice response.
------------------
franjo
03-16-2003, 01:43 PM
Seasant,
It's probably true that the women I know with children did not nurse past the age of two. But virtually every mother I've known has nursed their children. I know two adoptive mothers who also nursed their adopted children. I didn't realize there was some kind of arbitrary length of time established for nursing a child.
In answer to your question, I counsel clients in how to best honor their philosophies in the lives they lead, making for a more congruent existence. You may be surprised at how many people cannot seem to do this by themselves. They may be clear about their own perspectives on how they want to live their lives, but are contradicted in how they actually live it. Most of these problems stem from the misplaced judgement of others, or their perceptions of judgements.
-franjo
It's probably true that the women I know with children did not nurse past the age of two. But virtually every mother I've known has nursed their children. I know two adoptive mothers who also nursed their adopted children. I didn't realize there was some kind of arbitrary length of time established for nursing a child.
In answer to your question, I counsel clients in how to best honor their philosophies in the lives they lead, making for a more congruent existence. You may be surprised at how many people cannot seem to do this by themselves. They may be clear about their own perspectives on how they want to live their lives, but are contradicted in how they actually live it. Most of these problems stem from the misplaced judgement of others, or their perceptions of judgements.
-franjo
seasant
03-16-2003, 04:38 PM
Hello Franjo,
You wrote: "I didn't realize there was some kind of arbitrary length of time established for nursing a child."
Actually, the time one nurses their children is completely arbitrary - you know, up to one's own discretion (freedom of choice). Perhaps you meant you didn't know there was NOT some kind of arbitrary...
I've heard about the ability to be able to stimulate the mammory glands into lactating. This is fascinating to me. Kudos to those mothers of adopted children who have done this. Kudos also to the women you know who nurse their children to at least two years. They won't need toddler formula that way! And their children probably never got ear infections.
I have no doubt that the incongruent lives people lead is due to their concern with how others will view them - whether it be parents, siblings, co-workers, children, etc. If you look beyond the surface you will see that this is basically an ego "problem."
Anyway, what sort of degree did you need to get to do this sort of counseling? Interesting area of counseling. Do you work for yourself, or is there a clinic that specializes in this sort of counseling?
Take care.
------------------
You wrote: "I didn't realize there was some kind of arbitrary length of time established for nursing a child."
Actually, the time one nurses their children is completely arbitrary - you know, up to one's own discretion (freedom of choice). Perhaps you meant you didn't know there was NOT some kind of arbitrary...
I've heard about the ability to be able to stimulate the mammory glands into lactating. This is fascinating to me. Kudos to those mothers of adopted children who have done this. Kudos also to the women you know who nurse their children to at least two years. They won't need toddler formula that way! And their children probably never got ear infections.
I have no doubt that the incongruent lives people lead is due to their concern with how others will view them - whether it be parents, siblings, co-workers, children, etc. If you look beyond the surface you will see that this is basically an ego "problem."
Anyway, what sort of degree did you need to get to do this sort of counseling? Interesting area of counseling. Do you work for yourself, or is there a clinic that specializes in this sort of counseling?
Take care.
------------------
franjo
03-17-2003, 01:49 AM
Seasant,
I'd be happy to tell you all about my work, if this were a Career Board. And, yes, I do have a degree.
-franjo
I'd be happy to tell you all about my work, if this were a Career Board. And, yes, I do have a degree.
-franjo
Cheryl3
03-17-2003, 03:37 PM
I put a CD player in my son's room and got several CD's with children's songs on them. When he goes to bed, he gets to pick out a CD to listen to while he falls asleep. He really likes the movie soundtracks to some of the Disney videos we have, because the songs are familiar to him. Sometimes he cries for a bit after I walk out, but I think that's just part of his transition phase into falling asleep. He also has one of those "lantern lights" in his room, that turns around and projects images onto the ceiling.
He usually doesn't cry for more than a couple of minutes after being put to bed. For those whose kids cry longer or wake up and get out of bed in the night, I wonder if altering their schedule might help. It would seem to me that maybe they aren't tired enough if this is happening (?). When I hear what time other parents put their kids to bed, I am always amazed they can get them to go down so early! I don't put my 2 year old to bed until 9:00 or 9:30. He typically sleeps until 7 AM, and takes about a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. This works great for us, but everyone is different, I guess!
He usually doesn't cry for more than a couple of minutes after being put to bed. For those whose kids cry longer or wake up and get out of bed in the night, I wonder if altering their schedule might help. It would seem to me that maybe they aren't tired enough if this is happening (?). When I hear what time other parents put their kids to bed, I am always amazed they can get them to go down so early! I don't put my 2 year old to bed until 9:00 or 9:30. He typically sleeps until 7 AM, and takes about a 2 hour nap in the afternoon. This works great for us, but everyone is different, I guess!
Capri38
03-18-2003, 04:44 AM
I have to agree with Seasant on this issue, but I must admit, the "Family Bed" may not be for everyone.
My daughter started sleeping with us when she was 1 year old and started having chronic ear infections. Her fevers would peak at 104 when the tylenol wore off during the night, and I needed to be close to her to feel her when she got too hot. This went on for a year, until we finally got tubes in her ears which immediately cured her, but by then she was "hooked" on sleeping with us. I made several attempts at getting her into her own bed, but just could not stand the crying, and then I had to think hard about why is was so important that she sleep in her own bed, and could not come up with a good enough reason! After all, she slept better between us and after a long hectic day at work and not having enough energy for a lot of quality time with her, the cuddling time we had at night was so special and precious that I wouldn't have it any other way! Luckily, she was a hard and sound sleeper, and if my husband and I needed some private time, we would just move her onto some blankets on the floor and she wouldn't even stir.
This pattern continued until she was 5, then her father and I divorced and I moved into my own place in which she had her own bedroom but was not ready to sleep alone, and quite frankly, there was no reason to put her into her own bed until I started dating again and started a serious relationship and then is was neccessary to begin the process of transitioning her into her own bed. I bought her some new bedding, and together we decorated her room. For the first 2 months, I layed in her bed until she fell asleep which would only take 10-15 minutes. Now, she is 7, and our bedtime ritual is a story, and after I leave, I come back in 5 min. later for another hug and kiss, and she is out for the count. Looking back, I wouldn't do it any different as our cuddling together at night formed a bond that is so special and precious, and I now wonder why there is so much urgency and importance on getting children into their own beds!
There are so many cultures in which the children sleep with the parents, and so why must it be different just because we are American?
She is emotionally adjusted very well, and maybe that just has something to do with feeling secure and deeply loved from snuggling between mommy and daddy?
My daughter started sleeping with us when she was 1 year old and started having chronic ear infections. Her fevers would peak at 104 when the tylenol wore off during the night, and I needed to be close to her to feel her when she got too hot. This went on for a year, until we finally got tubes in her ears which immediately cured her, but by then she was "hooked" on sleeping with us. I made several attempts at getting her into her own bed, but just could not stand the crying, and then I had to think hard about why is was so important that she sleep in her own bed, and could not come up with a good enough reason! After all, she slept better between us and after a long hectic day at work and not having enough energy for a lot of quality time with her, the cuddling time we had at night was so special and precious that I wouldn't have it any other way! Luckily, she was a hard and sound sleeper, and if my husband and I needed some private time, we would just move her onto some blankets on the floor and she wouldn't even stir.
This pattern continued until she was 5, then her father and I divorced and I moved into my own place in which she had her own bedroom but was not ready to sleep alone, and quite frankly, there was no reason to put her into her own bed until I started dating again and started a serious relationship and then is was neccessary to begin the process of transitioning her into her own bed. I bought her some new bedding, and together we decorated her room. For the first 2 months, I layed in her bed until she fell asleep which would only take 10-15 minutes. Now, she is 7, and our bedtime ritual is a story, and after I leave, I come back in 5 min. later for another hug and kiss, and she is out for the count. Looking back, I wouldn't do it any different as our cuddling together at night formed a bond that is so special and precious, and I now wonder why there is so much urgency and importance on getting children into their own beds!
There are so many cultures in which the children sleep with the parents, and so why must it be different just because we are American?
She is emotionally adjusted very well, and maybe that just has something to do with feeling secure and deeply loved from snuggling between mommy and daddy?
seasant
03-18-2003, 02:27 PM
Franjo,
You said: "I'd be happy to tell you all about my work, if this were a Career Board." Then you go on with: "And, yes, I do have a degree." Ouch! And here I thought we were having a nice conversation.
So which is it, no, you don't want to talk about your work (which would include discussing one's degree to get such sort of work), or yes, you do? After all, you are the one who originally brought up your line of work! Or, perhaps option three, which is, you get defensive because I asked you about your degree? Option three leads to the logical assumption that you must just have an AA or mail order degree, otherwise you wouldn't be so defensive about revealing your degree! Sure ain't in psychology!
If you were truly that concerned about "helping" people, you would want to share that area of study with those interested, but no, you immaturely got all huffy at the thought of revealing your educational background. You didn't even address the issue, just slung an arrow.
And to think you wrote: "They may be clear about their own perspectives on how they want to live their lives, but are contradicted in how they actually live it. Most of these problems stem from the misplaced judgement of others, or their perceptions of judgements." How funny! Were you looking in the mirror when writing the above! "...misplaced judgements" (judgments, by the way. I won't correct the grammar) My gosh, you sure had them (misplaced judgments of others) when you pulled your bow back!
Take care Franjo!
You said: "I'd be happy to tell you all about my work, if this were a Career Board." Then you go on with: "And, yes, I do have a degree." Ouch! And here I thought we were having a nice conversation.
So which is it, no, you don't want to talk about your work (which would include discussing one's degree to get such sort of work), or yes, you do? After all, you are the one who originally brought up your line of work! Or, perhaps option three, which is, you get defensive because I asked you about your degree? Option three leads to the logical assumption that you must just have an AA or mail order degree, otherwise you wouldn't be so defensive about revealing your degree! Sure ain't in psychology!
If you were truly that concerned about "helping" people, you would want to share that area of study with those interested, but no, you immaturely got all huffy at the thought of revealing your educational background. You didn't even address the issue, just slung an arrow.
And to think you wrote: "They may be clear about their own perspectives on how they want to live their lives, but are contradicted in how they actually live it. Most of these problems stem from the misplaced judgement of others, or their perceptions of judgements." How funny! Were you looking in the mirror when writing the above! "...misplaced judgements" (judgments, by the way. I won't correct the grammar) My gosh, you sure had them (misplaced judgments of others) when you pulled your bow back!
Take care Franjo!
seasant
03-18-2003, 02:39 PM
Hello Capri,
So you're from "sunny" Washington State too!
You wrote: "There are so many cultures in which the children sleep with the parents, and so why must it be different just because we are American?" So true. To me, the bottom line is common sense and what feels right in my heart as a parent. I will not succumb to the criticisms of others, nor believe their way of "creating" independence is correct. There is this huge difference between being independent, like living with a bunch of roommates, holding a job and not having to get funds from Mom and Dad; and being independent to where you could live alone and feel content with yourself, or be out in nature alone and be able to survive. If a child is put to bed crying her/himself to sleep nightly (until they get "used" to it) they will the idea that parents and humans in general are not going to care about them and show love, so...why care and show love in return... It really is just simple common sense in my opinion.
And then you wrote: "She is emotionally adjusted very well, and maybe that just has something to do with feeling secure and deeply loved from snuggling between mommy and daddy?" You know it! That's the whole thing - security and deep love - that's all children need in order to thrive mentally and emotionally. I bet your little munchkins end up in the gifted programs.
Take care.
So you're from "sunny" Washington State too!
You wrote: "There are so many cultures in which the children sleep with the parents, and so why must it be different just because we are American?" So true. To me, the bottom line is common sense and what feels right in my heart as a parent. I will not succumb to the criticisms of others, nor believe their way of "creating" independence is correct. There is this huge difference between being independent, like living with a bunch of roommates, holding a job and not having to get funds from Mom and Dad; and being independent to where you could live alone and feel content with yourself, or be out in nature alone and be able to survive. If a child is put to bed crying her/himself to sleep nightly (until they get "used" to it) they will the idea that parents and humans in general are not going to care about them and show love, so...why care and show love in return... It really is just simple common sense in my opinion.
And then you wrote: "She is emotionally adjusted very well, and maybe that just has something to do with feeling secure and deeply loved from snuggling between mommy and daddy?" You know it! That's the whole thing - security and deep love - that's all children need in order to thrive mentally and emotionally. I bet your little munchkins end up in the gifted programs.
Take care.
franjo
03-18-2003, 07:58 PM
Wow, Seasant! You certainly have a lot to say!
Cheryl3
03-19-2003, 09:45 AM
Franjo,
I just wanted to say that you have helped me so much in so many of your posts :). What you say always makes a lot of sense. It's funny because I could tell you must be some sort of counselor. I have a little bit of a backround in child development, but I can tell you have a lot more.
The family bed is great as long as it is working for everyone in the family. Both of my sons slept with us off and on for about the first year. My eldest slept like a rock, so he was not a problem. But he is a big boy and we had a small bed, so eventually we transitioned him into his own bed, similar to the way Capri described with her daughter.
My youngest is a whirling dervish in bed. I was not getting more than 1-2 hours sleep a night with him in there. Usually I would end up on the floor. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and want to play, kicking us and pouncing on us. The lack of sleep was seriously affecting my health, and my husband finally said enough is enough. I tried putting him in with his big brother, but he couldn't sleep through his shenanigans, either.
Now that he's in his own bed, he fusses a little when I first put him in there, but he sleeps much better than he did with us (and so does everyone else)! I think that when he woke up in the middle of the night and realized that we were right there, he thought it was time to party. Now when he wakes up and he's by himself, he just rolls over and goes back to sleep.
I think familyfull said it very nicely in a previous thread -- at some point you need to give your child the opportunity to self-soothe. That is just the word I was looking for, but couldn't think of it! Babies and children cry for a lot of reasons, not always out of desolation. They have learned that it is a good way to get attention, and can turn on the water works a lot easier than we adults! Of course if a child has a nightmare or is sick, the parent should respond, but in other instances, each parent should use her own judgment based upon what is best for the family as a whole. For me, it was affecting my sleep, my health, my stress level and my relationship with my husband, so it seemed the right choice to transition him into his own bed. I would never judge someone who made a different choice, though.
I just wanted to say that you have helped me so much in so many of your posts :). What you say always makes a lot of sense. It's funny because I could tell you must be some sort of counselor. I have a little bit of a backround in child development, but I can tell you have a lot more.
The family bed is great as long as it is working for everyone in the family. Both of my sons slept with us off and on for about the first year. My eldest slept like a rock, so he was not a problem. But he is a big boy and we had a small bed, so eventually we transitioned him into his own bed, similar to the way Capri described with her daughter.
My youngest is a whirling dervish in bed. I was not getting more than 1-2 hours sleep a night with him in there. Usually I would end up on the floor. Sometimes he would wake up in the middle of the night and want to play, kicking us and pouncing on us. The lack of sleep was seriously affecting my health, and my husband finally said enough is enough. I tried putting him in with his big brother, but he couldn't sleep through his shenanigans, either.
Now that he's in his own bed, he fusses a little when I first put him in there, but he sleeps much better than he did with us (and so does everyone else)! I think that when he woke up in the middle of the night and realized that we were right there, he thought it was time to party. Now when he wakes up and he's by himself, he just rolls over and goes back to sleep.
I think familyfull said it very nicely in a previous thread -- at some point you need to give your child the opportunity to self-soothe. That is just the word I was looking for, but couldn't think of it! Babies and children cry for a lot of reasons, not always out of desolation. They have learned that it is a good way to get attention, and can turn on the water works a lot easier than we adults! Of course if a child has a nightmare or is sick, the parent should respond, but in other instances, each parent should use her own judgment based upon what is best for the family as a whole. For me, it was affecting my sleep, my health, my stress level and my relationship with my husband, so it seemed the right choice to transition him into his own bed. I would never judge someone who made a different choice, though.
franjo
03-19-2003, 05:58 PM
Cheryl,
I have one of those whirlwinds too. It's amazing how much room a 2-3 yr. old can take up in a king sized bed! When we had the problems with my son, he wasn't necessarily wanting in our bed, he was just wanting up! Most nights I spend in the dining room next to his bedroom until he falls asleep...I'm only about 15 ft. away from his bed, but then he'd want to talk through the wall all night!
Whenever we're on the road and in a motel, it's the worst then. Even though we're all in the same bed, he keeps us up until 3am sometimes! He thinks it's play time, and I'm sure being in a different place gives him the feeling of novelty.
He does great now, though. He even tells me some nights that he is ready for bed! How I love happy endings! Now, on to the next stage!
Thank you for your kind words....franjo
I have one of those whirlwinds too. It's amazing how much room a 2-3 yr. old can take up in a king sized bed! When we had the problems with my son, he wasn't necessarily wanting in our bed, he was just wanting up! Most nights I spend in the dining room next to his bedroom until he falls asleep...I'm only about 15 ft. away from his bed, but then he'd want to talk through the wall all night!
Whenever we're on the road and in a motel, it's the worst then. Even though we're all in the same bed, he keeps us up until 3am sometimes! He thinks it's play time, and I'm sure being in a different place gives him the feeling of novelty.
He does great now, though. He even tells me some nights that he is ready for bed! How I love happy endings! Now, on to the next stage!
Thank you for your kind words....franjo
familyfull
03-19-2003, 06:05 PM
After reading this whole thing I felt compelled to add my 2 cents... It seems like the original topic has gone off subject quite a bit...and is slowly making its way back again. It's seems to me that Ellekat19 would prefer that her child be in his own bed. There is nothing wrong with that desire.
Ellekat19, a few things I have to suggest. I don't know how hold your child is, but some of my suggestions would assume that your child can communicate his points with you. A couple of things stood out; he starts off in crib, climbs out of crib, and cries when you put him back.
*For safety reasons, you should take him out of the crib. Once they climb out, really, there is a risk that serious injury could happen. Yes, I know this opens up a whole other can of worms.
*Discuss/inquire what your son is afraid of? Is he afraid to go back to bed because it's dark? Or he doesn't want to be alone? Do this at some non-threatening time in the day.
*I'll say it again, does he have something to help soothe himself? Like a little flashlight, nightlight, or one of my favorites - that little light up fake fish tank that makes noises?
*In the end, you have to remember that you have do make the choice that works best with your family even if it seems a bit off track. And sometimes you have to try a few different things.
Transitioning my older son to a big boy bed was rough; but it already seems like you're doing that part (since your little one can get up and leave his bed). My son would wake up in the middle of the night (sometimes 2 or 3 times) and want to visit me. It was novelty really. I would lead him back down to his room and tuck him back in all over again and again... I discovered that at times he felt both lonely and afraid of the dark. I gave him a little flashlight in bed for him to use. He also has a nightlight. Outside of "Mommy", what makes, or would make, your child feel safe (in bed)?
Marie55 had a really good point about the new environment. Again touches on what makes child feel safe/secure in new room.
Thanks Cheryl3 for your compliment and I completely agree with your post about everyone's family situation and needs are different and one philosophy doesn't work for everyone.
Seasant, I see that you feel very passionately about the topic of parenting. You seem to very sensitive to others people commenting on your input. I get the feeling that if somebody's opinion if different than yours you see it as the wrong way. By the way, you bring up interesting subjects which I would encourage you to start a string of discussion on. I would certainly be interested in partaking and learning other people's points of view. I don't think Franjo meant to offend you; I took her reply as this is not a "Career Board" -- it's a Parenting Issues Board and we're taking up space under Ellekat19's request for input on a specific topic. It also appeared to me that Franjo was just answering your question (Yes or No) to whether she had a degree and she chose not to elaborate for the same reason stated in the previous sentence.
[This message has been edited by familyfull (edited 03-19-2003).]
Ellekat19, a few things I have to suggest. I don't know how hold your child is, but some of my suggestions would assume that your child can communicate his points with you. A couple of things stood out; he starts off in crib, climbs out of crib, and cries when you put him back.
*For safety reasons, you should take him out of the crib. Once they climb out, really, there is a risk that serious injury could happen. Yes, I know this opens up a whole other can of worms.
*Discuss/inquire what your son is afraid of? Is he afraid to go back to bed because it's dark? Or he doesn't want to be alone? Do this at some non-threatening time in the day.
*I'll say it again, does he have something to help soothe himself? Like a little flashlight, nightlight, or one of my favorites - that little light up fake fish tank that makes noises?
*In the end, you have to remember that you have do make the choice that works best with your family even if it seems a bit off track. And sometimes you have to try a few different things.
Transitioning my older son to a big boy bed was rough; but it already seems like you're doing that part (since your little one can get up and leave his bed). My son would wake up in the middle of the night (sometimes 2 or 3 times) and want to visit me. It was novelty really. I would lead him back down to his room and tuck him back in all over again and again... I discovered that at times he felt both lonely and afraid of the dark. I gave him a little flashlight in bed for him to use. He also has a nightlight. Outside of "Mommy", what makes, or would make, your child feel safe (in bed)?
Marie55 had a really good point about the new environment. Again touches on what makes child feel safe/secure in new room.
Thanks Cheryl3 for your compliment and I completely agree with your post about everyone's family situation and needs are different and one philosophy doesn't work for everyone.
Seasant, I see that you feel very passionately about the topic of parenting. You seem to very sensitive to others people commenting on your input. I get the feeling that if somebody's opinion if different than yours you see it as the wrong way. By the way, you bring up interesting subjects which I would encourage you to start a string of discussion on. I would certainly be interested in partaking and learning other people's points of view. I don't think Franjo meant to offend you; I took her reply as this is not a "Career Board" -- it's a Parenting Issues Board and we're taking up space under Ellekat19's request for input on a specific topic. It also appeared to me that Franjo was just answering your question (Yes or No) to whether she had a degree and she chose not to elaborate for the same reason stated in the previous sentence.
[This message has been edited by familyfull (edited 03-19-2003).]