l447
03-13-2003, 01:49 PM
i am in desperate need of help. I have a 9 year old step daughter that is driving me crazy. I also have a 9 year old of my own. My husband does not or chooses not to see what she is doing to our relationship. She is a spoiled, ruthless, deceitful girl. She does not want me in the picture, she is having trouble in school, getting along with the rest of the family, and continually tells her dad that all she wants is for her mom and dad to get back together. we have been married for 1 1/2 years, together for almost 6 years, not living together, but seeing each other that long.
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Lindarella
03-13-2003, 03:03 PM
Sorry you're going through such a bad time. Does she live with you?
My husband does not or chooses not to see what she is doing to our relationship.
This is a problem. It doesn't appear as if a nine year old is ruining your relationship with your husband. It sounds like you need better communication skills with your husband. If you're talking and he's not listening, either he's choosing to ignore you or you're not making yourself clear enough. You're obviously unhappy about his daughters behavior. Does he always behave as if nothing is wrong when something is?
The most basic thing that parents do when correcting children is to present a united front. Since your step daughter knows that she can pull the wool over your husbands eyes, she will continue to do this.
If she lives with you, you need family counseling to help you both to understand the roles that each of you are going to play in raising both her and your other child. It's not easy. It's not just YOUR job. Actually it's mostly HIS job. If she doesn't live with you, then don't let her visit unless your husband can be around to supervise her 24/7.
A nine year old isn't the problem. It's the problem of two adults who can't communicate and come to some agreement.
My husband does not or chooses not to see what she is doing to our relationship.
This is a problem. It doesn't appear as if a nine year old is ruining your relationship with your husband. It sounds like you need better communication skills with your husband. If you're talking and he's not listening, either he's choosing to ignore you or you're not making yourself clear enough. You're obviously unhappy about his daughters behavior. Does he always behave as if nothing is wrong when something is?
The most basic thing that parents do when correcting children is to present a united front. Since your step daughter knows that she can pull the wool over your husbands eyes, she will continue to do this.
If she lives with you, you need family counseling to help you both to understand the roles that each of you are going to play in raising both her and your other child. It's not easy. It's not just YOUR job. Actually it's mostly HIS job. If she doesn't live with you, then don't let her visit unless your husband can be around to supervise her 24/7.
A nine year old isn't the problem. It's the problem of two adults who can't communicate and come to some agreement.
l447
03-13-2003, 03:16 PM
she does lives with us as of 4 months ago, before that it was just visitation. She will not take no for an answer from me, if she doesn't like what i tell her, she goes to her dad and he has always just given in to her just so she doesn't just angry at him. it has always been that way since I have known them. I have even tried to talking to her mother(they were not married), and she said that she felt the same way I do now. She felt like an outsider because it was always just them two, no matter what she said or did, it caused her to have a nervous breakdown. The child was never disciplined by her father. If my child does something and gets punished, his child should also get the same punishment, but she doesn't. All my husband says is "Haley is different" she surely is!!!. I am to the point that I am ready to tell him to leave with his daughter.
Lindarella
03-13-2003, 03:42 PM
No wonder she never married him huh? ;)
Sadly the situation won't change without everyone coming to some kind of understanding. Will he go to family counseling? This would be your best bet.
It's pretty hard sometimes to blend families. It's really hard. Us adults don't always know what's right or whats healthy. A family counselor who specializes in step families is probably your best answer short of just chucking the whole thing. In the meantime. Try not to blame the daughter too much. She is a product of her environment. If her daddy has always "caved" then it's what she expects.
It's a problem of a bigger scope than just how your children behave. It's about control and communication and respect. Many things need to be learned by everyone involved. A counselor shouldn't take sides. A counselor can give you all a safe environment to say what you feel and come up with solutions that you can all live with.
I wish you good luck.
Sadly the situation won't change without everyone coming to some kind of understanding. Will he go to family counseling? This would be your best bet.
It's pretty hard sometimes to blend families. It's really hard. Us adults don't always know what's right or whats healthy. A family counselor who specializes in step families is probably your best answer short of just chucking the whole thing. In the meantime. Try not to blame the daughter too much. She is a product of her environment. If her daddy has always "caved" then it's what she expects.
It's a problem of a bigger scope than just how your children behave. It's about control and communication and respect. Many things need to be learned by everyone involved. A counselor shouldn't take sides. A counselor can give you all a safe environment to say what you feel and come up with solutions that you can all live with.
I wish you good luck.
maybechel
03-26-2003, 09:06 PM
There is a really great website/forum that is for stepparents if u are interested.
I did read on it a long time ago about disassociating or something from the stepchild. Can't remember exactly what it was called but do remember reading and downloading a thing about it (no longer have it though as computer got wiped). Is something to do with stepping back from the parenting of the child, will try to find out exactly what it is I am trying to think of.
http://www.stepfamily.net/tc5/index.html
this is the site. gives u some idea of what others put up with too so u don't feel so alone.
cheers,
rebecca
I did read on it a long time ago about disassociating or something from the stepchild. Can't remember exactly what it was called but do remember reading and downloading a thing about it (no longer have it though as computer got wiped). Is something to do with stepping back from the parenting of the child, will try to find out exactly what it is I am trying to think of.
http://www.stepfamily.net/tc5/index.html
this is the site. gives u some idea of what others put up with too so u don't feel so alone.
cheers,
rebecca
N2golf
03-30-2003, 02:21 PM
I feel for you! Alot of times as much as we hate to admit it, Men marry because they can't handle their own children and not only are men's needs being met, but also the childs needs as far as having a Mother figure with dad and dad doesn't have to do the work of a real divorced dad and so forth. Why is the child living with you now>? Because Mom had a nervous breakdown? Haley needs to understand that this is YOUR house, YOU are the adult and she along with your child have to abide by the same rules otherwise, you will start to have problems with your own child that could have possibly been avoided had dad backed you up on the rules. Dad's at very much fault here and if he doesn't change and come together with you, what kind of message is being sent to the children? They will see one failed/bad relationship after another which will impact their future relationships. You have to be stern with the children and your husband otherwise you are fighting a losing battle and it does no favors for the kids. Please...do something, you need to be happy so that that happiness can reflect on your own child. The kids have seen enough through the split of their parents, if they don't see happiness now, what gives them the hope of any relationship working?
l447
03-31-2003, 04:42 PM
you don't know how much it meant to hear those words from you. my husband, whom i love dearly, is very new to being a parent. he has never had custody of his daughter until 4 months ago. she was with his parents because of him working 2 jobs and her mother did not want(actually couldn't stand being around her), and no other family in the area. One day his mother called him and told him to get her NOW or she would kill her. this child is a devil-spawn. she is so conniving and sneaky that i could just choke her also. I think because he couldn't stand her attitudes and different personalities, my husband would just give into her all the time. He does admit now that he made her that way. today we actually talked about her attitude and he said that it can't be changed overnight, but i said its been 4 months, we should by now at least see a difference, but we haven't. The only way i can deal with this child is to just ignore her and her little fits. i was on medication, but decided that it wasn't worth taking for the rest of my life because of this kid.
summer603
04-03-2003, 10:01 PM
"The child was never disciplined by her father."
That's the HUGE problem right there. One of the worst things you can do for your child is not to discipline them. People tend to think of disciplining children as being mean, but it's really not. Disciplining is really about teaching your child right from wrong.
Now, it's going to take both you and your husband to get this whole situation under control. And, BOTH of you will need to give your 100%. Without both sides, it will not work at all. This is very important. If not, Haley will just always go to her daddy to be "rescued" when she doesn't get her way with you.
The best advice I can give you is just to be firm. You and your husband should decide on some type of punishment (AKA no TV, etc) when she disobeys. If Haley does something wrong, neither of you should let it slip. Not even ONCE. Children are very good at pushing their luck, and she WILL test you.
It's bound to be very difficult to change your step daughter's ways. It's already embedded in her mind that if she makes a big enough deal about everything, she'll get her way. And, now that you're going to try to teach her to obey and such, she'll just think of you as mean and dislike you even more. Now, remember that almost ALL step children are VERY hard to deal with. Many times they feel a great sense of the step parent trying to take over and be their real mom/dad; even if you're not. So, unfortunately, they end up creating this deep inner hatred towards you. It's normal, so always remember that you're not alone! With time, this can be fixed. So, don't give up hope. :) Later, when she starts to learn that you and your husband are boss (Not her) you can start to work on a better relationship with her. Best wishes!
(I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to discipline children at a very young age! I'm not blaming her actions on you. Just a little side note. ;))
That's the HUGE problem right there. One of the worst things you can do for your child is not to discipline them. People tend to think of disciplining children as being mean, but it's really not. Disciplining is really about teaching your child right from wrong.
Now, it's going to take both you and your husband to get this whole situation under control. And, BOTH of you will need to give your 100%. Without both sides, it will not work at all. This is very important. If not, Haley will just always go to her daddy to be "rescued" when she doesn't get her way with you.
The best advice I can give you is just to be firm. You and your husband should decide on some type of punishment (AKA no TV, etc) when she disobeys. If Haley does something wrong, neither of you should let it slip. Not even ONCE. Children are very good at pushing their luck, and she WILL test you.
It's bound to be very difficult to change your step daughter's ways. It's already embedded in her mind that if she makes a big enough deal about everything, she'll get her way. And, now that you're going to try to teach her to obey and such, she'll just think of you as mean and dislike you even more. Now, remember that almost ALL step children are VERY hard to deal with. Many times they feel a great sense of the step parent trying to take over and be their real mom/dad; even if you're not. So, unfortunately, they end up creating this deep inner hatred towards you. It's normal, so always remember that you're not alone! With time, this can be fixed. So, don't give up hope. :) Later, when she starts to learn that you and your husband are boss (Not her) you can start to work on a better relationship with her. Best wishes!
(I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to discipline children at a very young age! I'm not blaming her actions on you. Just a little side note. ;))