Nayrb
02-01-2003, 09:07 PM
If you are interested in reading this note please read it all and slowly because we really need help with this! Hi. Our daughter is 15 . For some reason for the last 3 years my wife and myself has become morons in her eyes. If your a parent of a teenage kid I probally don't have to say no more. Anyways the problem we encountered tonight was our daught was to bring her "first" new first boyfriend to the house for pizza then we were to drop then off at a movies. My daughter met with her boyfriend after he was dropped off (in our town) and then they went somewhere besides straight back to the house. They were 1 hour late. (pizza was here at 5;30 they never got her till 6:30) Ok now for the second part of this problem. We told our dughter about 2 weeks ago that if she brings her boyfriend to the house sometime we don't want her and him to go into her room to spend time. Well , as soon as they come into the house our dughter took him straight to her room. I went to her room about 15 minutes later and I asked them to both come upstairs for some pizza and neither wanted any(probally just too embarasses to eat in front of us) About 30 miutes later I went to the room and asked our daughter to show her b/f our pet. ( trying to pass the hint to our daught it was time to exit the room). But still she refused and told her b/f how stupid that sounds . I think my wife was ready to blow a fuse because of our dughters disrespect. My daughter has the internet in her room. She doesn't know this but I have installed spy software ( a parent has to do what a parent has to do) I don't want to spy on her activities but we are at the end of our rope with her disrespect and lies. I have enough evidence saved to make her throwup if I was to show her what we have learned. This is the only way into our daughters head, trust me!(even though you don't know me) She claims we are the problem in her life,and we never let her do this or that. Our daughter will not(she refuses) to out her dinner plates in the dishwasher or garbag in the garbage. She sticks her gum anywhere she pleases when she is finished with it. It is common for us to unstick used gum 12 times a week from various places around the house. Tonight when she was in her room with her b/f they were lighting off caps ( with 2 coins) I didn't go in to tell them to stop ( fire) because I didn't want her to become embarrased by it and make us out to look like inbasiles beind our backs to her b/f. ( common sense should have been with her at the time anyways) What should we do?? If we talk to our daughter about any type of a concern that we may have, she ALLWAYS turns around and faces away from us. And she WILL NOT turn and face us of look at us. Believe it or no but this disrespectful,uncaring,mouthy,little brat is a honour student in highschool. I have been taking accurate reading most nights form out water meter and she uses in average 45 gallons of water a night for a bath and a shower. And then she always washes her hair in the morning and the average usage of water for her hair only is 25 gallons. We have tried reasoning with her on every angle to conserve water but she refuses to cooperate. Every towel and every drawer she uses is left open or on the floor. School mornings are just as disasterous! We also have a 13 year old daughter that tells us that tshe doesn't want to be left alone with her because she threatens her all the time. Just for the record, we have never beat,spanked,humiliated or torchered our dughter to deserve any of this back in return. We are only guilty of love,shring and trust. HONEST! Thank you so much for any help.
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msrivers
02-01-2003, 09:15 PM
It is time to lay some ground rules then STICK TO THEM!!! You are the parents, who cares if you embarrass her or humiliate her? She is testing her boundaries and has obviously found out that there are none. You could also try to go to a parenting class or two. Check with your local high school to see if they know of any. IT HELPS!!
Nayrb
02-01-2003, 09:19 PM
OK, I see what you mean by her testing us, but at this point we are worried about her doing stupid out of revenge. Maybe even suiside ( she does not show any suisidal tendencies but a parents mind will think anything) More please !!
Greenberry
02-01-2003, 09:23 PM
It sounds like she is already running the show around your house, and I agree that you need to set some rules NOW! No boyfriends in the bedroom, no more internet in the bedroom (a BAD idea to start with), no threatening her sister, and if she misses being home when you have told her to be there, no going ANYWHERE except school and church for one month. And make it stick. She doesn't have to like it, she doesn't have to look you in the face, but she HAS to comply. As for the water usage and slobbiness, I would work on those secondary issues at a later time. Hopefully it is not too late to bring her back in line. The first time she defied you was the ideal time to start laying down the law. She is going to balk BIG TIME now, but if you stick with it, maybe she will eventually fall in line. Best wishes!
Nayrb
02-01-2003, 09:26 PM
Should I hit her with the spy software on her computer ? Also I am still concerned out how far she will go out of anger . MORE PLEASE . Thanks
Greenberry
02-01-2003, 09:34 PM
What purpose do you hope to accomplish by doing that? You need to sit down with her (and mom--if your wife is in fact mom) and tell her the rules. Are you afraid of her? Are you the dad here? Ask yourself, who is in charge around your house? Do you pay the bills or does she? Until she is paying her own way, she has to live by the house rules. If it were me, the internet would be gone tonight, and she would know what is expected of her. You just can't let her keep getting away with murder. So what if she insults you and your intelligence--she is a KID. You can't take anything she says personally, especially if you are doing what you know is right for her. If she is suicidal or goes totally mental on you, then you must get her the help she needs, but if she just being a brat, you can't let her continue. If you let her keep being a brat, in 10 years she will be a 25 year old brat.
Nayrb
02-01-2003, 09:42 PM
Greenberry: at this point I don't care what she will be in 10 years. I'm only responcible for her till she;s 18. And what do I think I'll accomplish by showing her what I have Seen ?? Well I can show her how she tells her friend that we are f***ing idiots. I can show her the things that she is viewing in not nice. I can show her all the lies that she makes up.
I would appriciate any more advice please!! Thanks
I would appriciate any more advice please!! Thanks
Greenberry
02-01-2003, 09:49 PM
Look, if you are so bent on proving to your daughter that you are not an idiot, go idea. But I don't see why you feel the need to prove yourself to a KID. I personally wouldn't care if my daughter thinks I am an idiot or not, but she has to live by my rules until she leaves my home whether she likes them or not. I plan to have reasonable rules when I have teenagers, but if the rules are disobeyed, there will be serious consequences. It seems that your daughter has not faced serious consequences for her behavioral transgressions for a long time, if ever. Also, I just thought I would appeal to your concern for your daughter's future. Most parents want to raise their children to be decent adults, and I thought that by pointing out the future consequences of YOUR actions, you might be motivated to act.
Nayrb
02-01-2003, 09:59 PM
5 weeks ago she brought home 6 condoms and put 3 of them in her sisters coat pocket and ordered her sister to take them to school to give to people. My wife found them in the coat and questioned the youngest about them. The youngest ratted out the oldest. We spoke to the oldest about this and we were reasured that they were for no peticular purpose. We told her to never bring them in the house again. 1 week later we found 50 condoms in the oldest daughters room. So instead of causing a big rumpus I just removed them and let her face the emmbarasment when she found them missing. Last week I found 100 condoms in her room . I then questioned her WHY!!! she gave no answer, The only answer she gave was we are morons!
Blastoff9600
02-01-2003, 10:03 PM
I have to agree with Greenberry. The modem would be yanked out of that computer so fast her head would spin. Either that or move the computer where it is in a family area. We keep our computer in the living room(granted our kids arent old enough to be online).
As for the bf beingin the room. You told her before hand that wasnt to happen. You should have stuck to it. Open the door and tell her it had to stay open. When I was a teen one of my friend's parents took the door off of her room. She had her bf over one time and had shut the door. Her parents and told her before hand that the door had to stay open. Well she didnt beleive them that they would punish her if she didnt mind. Well the door came off. They did let her hang a cloth wall hanging over the doorway but if people were over it had to be pulled back. Worked wonders for her. She was allowed to haveher door back after about 2 or 3 months. Let me tell you that door stayed open from then on when her bf was over.
You need to make your rules stick whether she likes it or not.
As for the bf beingin the room. You told her before hand that wasnt to happen. You should have stuck to it. Open the door and tell her it had to stay open. When I was a teen one of my friend's parents took the door off of her room. She had her bf over one time and had shut the door. Her parents and told her before hand that the door had to stay open. Well she didnt beleive them that they would punish her if she didnt mind. Well the door came off. They did let her hang a cloth wall hanging over the doorway but if people were over it had to be pulled back. Worked wonders for her. She was allowed to haveher door back after about 2 or 3 months. Let me tell you that door stayed open from then on when her bf was over.
You need to make your rules stick whether she likes it or not.
Nayrb
02-01-2003, 10:10 PM
Let me clairify something, when they were in her room the door was not shut the door was open. Now let me ask this question, is it ok or acceptable for them to be in the bedroom together ? evn if they are just reading ?? Would you allow your daughter and her b/f to be in her room together ?
rainflower
02-02-2003, 01:11 AM
My sons arent quite teens yet but I think about the future all the time, what you are guilty of is caring too much what your daughter "thinks" of you, it isnt time for you or your wife to be her friend anymore...you have to buckle down.
The two of you should sit down and figure out once and for all what is acceptable in your household based on what the two of you want & need not your children, they shouldnt have a say in this. Then write it down and take whatever measure you have to to make sure that they are followed 100 percent of the time. I wasnt allowed to have boys in my room and I wont allow my sons to have girls in their rooms. The computer, phone,tv,car,allowance,even stereo privileges should be revoked and earned back- by complete adherence to your rules. YOu and your wife have to take a united stand and not allow her to continue down this path.
I think you should seek counseling for every member of your family in varying degrees. It sounds drastic and dramatic to just become so militant, but truly it sounds like you are telling us that she is out of control and you are scared. Most likely she is also and if you let her continue she will go past the scared part and into complete terror....and you may not get her back. Im sorry to say I think you should have had control of the reigns many,many years ago but it isnt too late. Please remember that loving her does not allow abuse...either of her sibling or of her parents. Someday I hope she is grateful, but if she isnt then you will at least know that you tried your darndest to help her, ultimately they can make their own decisions which can lead to breaking our hearts..but at sixteen while she is still under your roof she HAS to be under your control until she can clearly and wisely be trusted to make her own safe decisions. Good luck it wont be fun, nor easy...but I see it as your only choice.
[This message has been edited by rainflower (edited 02-02-2003).]
The two of you should sit down and figure out once and for all what is acceptable in your household based on what the two of you want & need not your children, they shouldnt have a say in this. Then write it down and take whatever measure you have to to make sure that they are followed 100 percent of the time. I wasnt allowed to have boys in my room and I wont allow my sons to have girls in their rooms. The computer, phone,tv,car,allowance,even stereo privileges should be revoked and earned back- by complete adherence to your rules. YOu and your wife have to take a united stand and not allow her to continue down this path.
I think you should seek counseling for every member of your family in varying degrees. It sounds drastic and dramatic to just become so militant, but truly it sounds like you are telling us that she is out of control and you are scared. Most likely she is also and if you let her continue she will go past the scared part and into complete terror....and you may not get her back. Im sorry to say I think you should have had control of the reigns many,many years ago but it isnt too late. Please remember that loving her does not allow abuse...either of her sibling or of her parents. Someday I hope she is grateful, but if she isnt then you will at least know that you tried your darndest to help her, ultimately they can make their own decisions which can lead to breaking our hearts..but at sixteen while she is still under your roof she HAS to be under your control until she can clearly and wisely be trusted to make her own safe decisions. Good luck it wont be fun, nor easy...but I see it as your only choice.
[This message has been edited by rainflower (edited 02-02-2003).]
msrivers
02-02-2003, 12:48 PM
She will balk, and big time!! She will call yuo everyname in the book and then some. However, you are her parents, she needs to learn to respect that. She will not like the boundaries you place on her and she will threaten all sorts of stuff just to see what type of reaction she will get out of you. Strip away ALL privledges, and let her earn them back SLOWLY. Right now she has to regain your trust and confidence. Also, your youngest daughter needs to feel safe in her own home. You have to brainstorm with your wife to see how to get that to happen. Right now I don't have anymore advoce. I will say I have been through a similair situation, many of the dynamics were different, but the indepence streak was definatley there!!
Zegna
02-02-2003, 01:34 PM
First of all I would like to say I think your use of the spy software is an invasion of her privacy. Does she keep a diary? That would probably make for an interesting read. When she finds out she is likely to loose the last morsel of respect she has left for you.
She obviously didn't become this way overnight. You have lost her respect and allowed her to become uncivilised.
So she had her boyfriend in her bedroom (with the door open), I don't see any problem with that at all apart from the fact that you had specifically told her not to beforehand but that again comes back to respect.
But even if the door was shut what do you really think they are going to get up to with you within earshot. If they were going to be having sex I am sure they would be far more comfortable elsewhere. But at least if sex had been on the cards she was responsible enough to have had condoms at hand.
I think she was right, asking her to show her boyfriend your pet really does sound stupid. You are definitely not "cool" parents and from this point will probably never be able to be "cool" parents in her eyes. And I wouldn't worry too much about what her boyfriend thinks of you, most parents only really make their own kids cringe. I am sure her boyfriend treats you with a lot more respect and politeness than your daughter if only for the fact he is a guest in your home. If you are friendly and polite towards him and he likes you maybe he will even be able to get a small part of the way towards making your daughter realise you are not so bad, if they are still together next week that is.
I was raised by great parents, they were always loving, compassionate, understanding and supportive. They were always open minded and reasonable, never judgemental, had great perspective and hadn't forgotten what it was like to be kids. They were "cool" parents. This allowed me to always be up front with them and they knew a lot more about what I was getting up to than any unreasonable diary reading parents did about their child.
I am not saying my parents had no rules, we were allowed more freedom but when my parents did say something we would always listen. My parents spent a lot of time from a young age talking to us about important things and sharing their wisdom with us. My parents instilled a lot of confidence into my siblings and I, taught us to be good human beings, right from wrong (although definitely not from the narrow minded, judgmental, hypercritical, moralistic Christian view), how to overcome peer pressure, be responsible and to make good choices.
As for what you can do to fix the current situation with your daughter I would suggest you stop clashing heads. Relax, always great her with a smile, praise her when she does something good, tell her you love her (if you can't say that slap yourself), tell her she is beautiful, hug her, remain calm at all times and don't do anything to antagonise her. That would mean I would leave her computer where it is (and uninstal the spy software), I can't see the computer as having a lot to do with this issue.
Leaving gum on walls and furniture is just gross and it is definitely not at all unreasonable for her to put her rubbish in the bin and plate in the dish washer. But again you must tread carefully, you need to win back some respect and make her "give a ****" again before you will make any progress here. I would really hope she is already fully aware that leaving rubbish and gum around the house is uncivilised.
Tell her you are going to start treating her more like an adult starting immediately if she can show a little more respect. Ask for her advise, what does she really want to change. You must be reasonable and in return you need to think hard about a few little things you really want her to change. Don't go trying to set hard, inflexible limits on everything, you should try and be more flexible. You really need to reopen the lines of communication. If she really wont listen maybe try writing her a hand written letter. Tell her you love her, miss her, tell her you are proud of how she has been doing at school, tell her you want to work with her to create a home where everyone can live comfortably and merrily, ask for her thoughts, ideas, mention the gum *yuck*, the excessive water use- appeal to the environmentalist in her, ask her what she would like to be different, invite a reply and tell her that you would love to be able to have a grown up conversation with her.
Get tough with her if you want a missing child, if you want your sweet little girl back you need to be bigger than her, don't argue or fight but instead be willing to give some ground and let her know how much she is loved.
Well that's all for now. Sorry my thoughts were not better organised but I sure you can take some ideas from my rambling.
She obviously didn't become this way overnight. You have lost her respect and allowed her to become uncivilised.
So she had her boyfriend in her bedroom (with the door open), I don't see any problem with that at all apart from the fact that you had specifically told her not to beforehand but that again comes back to respect.
But even if the door was shut what do you really think they are going to get up to with you within earshot. If they were going to be having sex I am sure they would be far more comfortable elsewhere. But at least if sex had been on the cards she was responsible enough to have had condoms at hand.
I think she was right, asking her to show her boyfriend your pet really does sound stupid. You are definitely not "cool" parents and from this point will probably never be able to be "cool" parents in her eyes. And I wouldn't worry too much about what her boyfriend thinks of you, most parents only really make their own kids cringe. I am sure her boyfriend treats you with a lot more respect and politeness than your daughter if only for the fact he is a guest in your home. If you are friendly and polite towards him and he likes you maybe he will even be able to get a small part of the way towards making your daughter realise you are not so bad, if they are still together next week that is.
I was raised by great parents, they were always loving, compassionate, understanding and supportive. They were always open minded and reasonable, never judgemental, had great perspective and hadn't forgotten what it was like to be kids. They were "cool" parents. This allowed me to always be up front with them and they knew a lot more about what I was getting up to than any unreasonable diary reading parents did about their child.
I am not saying my parents had no rules, we were allowed more freedom but when my parents did say something we would always listen. My parents spent a lot of time from a young age talking to us about important things and sharing their wisdom with us. My parents instilled a lot of confidence into my siblings and I, taught us to be good human beings, right from wrong (although definitely not from the narrow minded, judgmental, hypercritical, moralistic Christian view), how to overcome peer pressure, be responsible and to make good choices.
As for what you can do to fix the current situation with your daughter I would suggest you stop clashing heads. Relax, always great her with a smile, praise her when she does something good, tell her you love her (if you can't say that slap yourself), tell her she is beautiful, hug her, remain calm at all times and don't do anything to antagonise her. That would mean I would leave her computer where it is (and uninstal the spy software), I can't see the computer as having a lot to do with this issue.
Leaving gum on walls and furniture is just gross and it is definitely not at all unreasonable for her to put her rubbish in the bin and plate in the dish washer. But again you must tread carefully, you need to win back some respect and make her "give a ****" again before you will make any progress here. I would really hope she is already fully aware that leaving rubbish and gum around the house is uncivilised.
Tell her you are going to start treating her more like an adult starting immediately if she can show a little more respect. Ask for her advise, what does she really want to change. You must be reasonable and in return you need to think hard about a few little things you really want her to change. Don't go trying to set hard, inflexible limits on everything, you should try and be more flexible. You really need to reopen the lines of communication. If she really wont listen maybe try writing her a hand written letter. Tell her you love her, miss her, tell her you are proud of how she has been doing at school, tell her you want to work with her to create a home where everyone can live comfortably and merrily, ask for her thoughts, ideas, mention the gum *yuck*, the excessive water use- appeal to the environmentalist in her, ask her what she would like to be different, invite a reply and tell her that you would love to be able to have a grown up conversation with her.
Get tough with her if you want a missing child, if you want your sweet little girl back you need to be bigger than her, don't argue or fight but instead be willing to give some ground and let her know how much she is loved.
Well that's all for now. Sorry my thoughts were not better organised but I sure you can take some ideas from my rambling.
Nayrb
02-02-2003, 05:34 PM
Zegna: Please don't take this the wrong way OK, but you failed to read what I have written. Let me intruduce myself and my wife to you. Picture your great parents that you descibed in your post, ok now that you see them, that is US! As for her diary, we have read it often, we are careful to return keys back to the original position so she don't know we were snooping. Her diary has a lot of hatred written in it about her mother and myself. We don't understand why!! How would your parents understand it if you wrote stuff like we have read in your diary ?? Well that's the senerial ! The diffrence between diary and spyware is is being able to see into their heads more clearly. And besides , whatever goes on in my house IS MY BUSINESS! No matter how I find out about it. Please understand this! And as for what can they do behind closed doors? Welll maybe there isn't time to "rip one off" but there is unappropriate touching. Sex is a beautiful thing that 2 people can share and I don't expect it to waite untill the wedding night. But don't you think that if your gonna "do it" with someone, that you should atleast know their middle name ?? I appreciate all the help and input that I am receiving off this site, but please, before anyone starts to create their own opinions about my wife and I, please don't rule out a BIPOLAR disorder first. We havn't!
Greenberry
02-02-2003, 06:04 PM
This is my last attempt to advise you. I don't seem to be saying what you want to hear. You seem to want to put everything on your daughter--maybe she IS in fact mentally ill, but she sounds like a "normal" teenager to me. The only problem that I detect from reading your posts is that she is pushing her limits and that you are ALLOWING yourself to be pushed. You don't want her to not like you, so you are trying to be a "cool" parent. However, I can't help but notice that your daughter already doesn't like you, so if she is going to hate your guts anyway (like most teenagers do their parents) then you could at least do the right thing and have discipline and structure in your home. It is wrong that she is allowed to victimize your other daughter and your whole family because you think that will make her like you. You really need to get over the fact that she thinks you're dumb (also typical of teenagers--I remember it well!). She is a KID. You are supposed to be an adult. What if you had a situation at your workplace, where you know someone is doing wrong (REALLY WRONG--like stealing) or hurting someone else? Are you going to keep silent just so that person will not dislike you? If so, you are setting a bad example for your daughter. If not, then why are you allowing your daughter to get away with behavior that you would not condone in someone else?
The condom story is a good example and should have taught you a few things. You didn't lay down the law, and the situation kept getting worse. You seem to expect your daughter to develop a conscience on her own, which doesn't happen. You didn't want to cause a rumpus, so you just removed the condoms, expecting her to feel embarassed. Did she feel embarassed? Heck no, she just went out and got more. And on top of that, you were real cool about the whole thing, and she STILL thinks you are a moron. Why not at least DO THE RIGHT THING with her if she is going to think you're stupid regardless?
Most teenagers think their parents are stupid, or at least say that they think their parents are stupid at some point in time. I thought my parents were really dumb, with their rules, and their curfews, and their "no boyfriends in the bedroom" policy, etc., etc. But my parents set some limits for me, and enforced them, and that is why I did not go out of control pushing and seeing what I could get away with. I knew I could get away with NOTHING. Your daughter is pushing, and finding that she can get away with murder, while you are on the defensive hoping that she won't think you're dumb. Parenting on the defensive is not effective, and you and your daughter are finding that out.
You are the parent, and you and your wife pay all the bills in your home. That gives YOU the responsibility to make the rules regarding behavior in your home. You and your wife should sit down and make up the rules and let your daughters know what they are. At the next infraction of the unruly daughter (after warning her what will happen), her bedroom should be stripped down to a mattress on the floor, the ceiling light fixture, school books and two outfits of clothing. No door, no computer, no TV, NOTHING. Then, each day that she stays in line, she gets something back. Another screw-up, something leaves. She will not like it, and will probably call you every name in the book, but that is what I would do. That's all I can say.
The condom story is a good example and should have taught you a few things. You didn't lay down the law, and the situation kept getting worse. You seem to expect your daughter to develop a conscience on her own, which doesn't happen. You didn't want to cause a rumpus, so you just removed the condoms, expecting her to feel embarassed. Did she feel embarassed? Heck no, she just went out and got more. And on top of that, you were real cool about the whole thing, and she STILL thinks you are a moron. Why not at least DO THE RIGHT THING with her if she is going to think you're stupid regardless?
Most teenagers think their parents are stupid, or at least say that they think their parents are stupid at some point in time. I thought my parents were really dumb, with their rules, and their curfews, and their "no boyfriends in the bedroom" policy, etc., etc. But my parents set some limits for me, and enforced them, and that is why I did not go out of control pushing and seeing what I could get away with. I knew I could get away with NOTHING. Your daughter is pushing, and finding that she can get away with murder, while you are on the defensive hoping that she won't think you're dumb. Parenting on the defensive is not effective, and you and your daughter are finding that out.
You are the parent, and you and your wife pay all the bills in your home. That gives YOU the responsibility to make the rules regarding behavior in your home. You and your wife should sit down and make up the rules and let your daughters know what they are. At the next infraction of the unruly daughter (after warning her what will happen), her bedroom should be stripped down to a mattress on the floor, the ceiling light fixture, school books and two outfits of clothing. No door, no computer, no TV, NOTHING. Then, each day that she stays in line, she gets something back. Another screw-up, something leaves. She will not like it, and will probably call you every name in the book, but that is what I would do. That's all I can say.
*SoccerMom*
02-02-2003, 06:39 PM
Nayrd~
I totally agree with Greenberry. I feel that your daughter is given too many freedoms that she doesn't deserve. You and your wife seem afraid to cause waves. I was a hard to control teen who loved to test those limits...I learned quickly what those boundaries were. I do not have a biopolar disorder but I think that the crazy things that I did was part of being a teenager. I think that you and your wife should make those boundardaries clear to your daughter and ENFORCE them. If my son talks back or doesn't do as he is told then he knows he is in trouble. You made the comment about asking her to come for pizza, then you tried to send hints after they were in there for 45 minutes about it was time for them to come out. When she ignored your request to come eat, you should have MADE her come out. Greenberry was right about taking those freedoms away....I would just give her the basics until she learns that she will have to respect you and your rules. There would be no friends over and no activities other than school until she is making progress. I agree with the spyware and reading the diary because it is obvious that she is out of control. I would make her do her chores, respect your home (that gum and condom thing was outrageous!)
**"Tonight when she was in her room with her b/f they were lighting off caps ( with 2 coins) I didn't go in to tell them to stop ( fire) because I didn't want her to become embarrased by it and make us out to look like inbasiles beind our backs to her b/f. ( common sense should have been with her at the time anyways) What should we do??"
I think that you should care less about what she and her friends think about you and think about how much she is disrespecting all of you. She just says and does whatever she wants and you don't do anything so she doesn't get offended! I don't understand that.
**"at this point I don't care what she will be in 10 years. I'm only responcible for her till she;s 18."
I think this is the saddest part of your post. I feel my children are blessings that were given to me to care for until the end of time. I will always care what they are doing and if they are happy... whether it is 10, 20, 50, or 80 years from now.
Best of luck to all of you.
I totally agree with Greenberry. I feel that your daughter is given too many freedoms that she doesn't deserve. You and your wife seem afraid to cause waves. I was a hard to control teen who loved to test those limits...I learned quickly what those boundaries were. I do not have a biopolar disorder but I think that the crazy things that I did was part of being a teenager. I think that you and your wife should make those boundardaries clear to your daughter and ENFORCE them. If my son talks back or doesn't do as he is told then he knows he is in trouble. You made the comment about asking her to come for pizza, then you tried to send hints after they were in there for 45 minutes about it was time for them to come out. When she ignored your request to come eat, you should have MADE her come out. Greenberry was right about taking those freedoms away....I would just give her the basics until she learns that she will have to respect you and your rules. There would be no friends over and no activities other than school until she is making progress. I agree with the spyware and reading the diary because it is obvious that she is out of control. I would make her do her chores, respect your home (that gum and condom thing was outrageous!)
**"Tonight when she was in her room with her b/f they were lighting off caps ( with 2 coins) I didn't go in to tell them to stop ( fire) because I didn't want her to become embarrased by it and make us out to look like inbasiles beind our backs to her b/f. ( common sense should have been with her at the time anyways) What should we do??"
I think that you should care less about what she and her friends think about you and think about how much she is disrespecting all of you. She just says and does whatever she wants and you don't do anything so she doesn't get offended! I don't understand that.
**"at this point I don't care what she will be in 10 years. I'm only responcible for her till she;s 18."
I think this is the saddest part of your post. I feel my children are blessings that were given to me to care for until the end of time. I will always care what they are doing and if they are happy... whether it is 10, 20, 50, or 80 years from now.
Best of luck to all of you.
Nayrb
02-02-2003, 09:43 PM
OK Ok Ok disapline it will be. I have read each and everyone of the replys and I appreciate it muchly and it has all been noted. Let me apply this fianal senerial: What do you suggest if this out of control daughter just can't take the disapline any further and angerly and abruptly exits the home in a huff with a few choice words to boot? Do we (1)chase after her and drag her back into the home? (2) let her go and hope she returns soon? (and hope she never done anything stupid) (3) remove another artical of importance for her room? Ps. We're not playing with you's here. These are real concerns of ours. thanks again
Zegna
02-03-2003, 12:02 AM
Nayryb: please do not take this the wrong way OK, but compared to my parents you are a complete and utter failure.
For a start you spy on your daughter. Don't try and justify this to me again, you are only fooling yourself. I am not at all conflicted on this issue, reading your daughters diary and spying on her is 100% wrong.
It is also very obvious that you are extremely insecure which is one of the reasons you are spying on your daughter. Plus you seem to care way too much about what her boyfriend thinks of you or the possibility of you embarrassing her. You seem one step away from asking for your daughters permission before trying a new hairstyle. This insecurity is what others are mistaking for you "trying to be cool".
You need to accept the fact that like most parents you are (at least from her eyes) an embarrassment to your daughter. Once you have come to terms with that put it out of your mind and don't let it influence how you act.
You do not want to take any responsibility for your current situation. You are not being completely honest with yourself let alone us.
As for the condom issue, there is nothing wrong with a 15 year old girl having condoms. If they don't out last there exploration date, they would more than likely have been used for party tricks or filled with water than for sex anyway. And if not there are far more terrible things that your intelligent 15 yo daughter could be getting up to besides having safe sex, don't you think?
As for the- you take a few condoms from her, she buys a dozen, you take a dozen, she buys a few dozen scenario you played out with her, that was just a game on her part but I don't understand why you were playing it. The following link outlines a similarly stupid game played out between a guest and the staff of a London Hotel, it mightn't help at all but is rather humorous. http://members.aol.com/prymetyme2/soap.html
As for the "unappropriate" touching I think that it is for your daughter to decide what is inappropriate. If she deems anything to be inappropriate she can let her boyfriend know and if he continues; well she has a set of lungs and you a window to through him out I am sure.
Everyone else is telling you to get tough with her. But when she has no respect for you at all (a situation you have gone a long way towards creating yourself) she isn't going to listen anyway. She doesn't "give a sh*t" so no method of punishment will be effective. In fact I would bet that it would actually make things worse.
Deep down she doesn't like the way things are at home any more than you do and she knows the errors of her ways. You need to relax, stop over reacting to things, stop fighting with her, show her love and kindness. You need to get back to a point where you can communicate effectively with her again. If even after you relax she refuses to listen to you and turns her back on you try writing the letter as I suggested above.
For a start you spy on your daughter. Don't try and justify this to me again, you are only fooling yourself. I am not at all conflicted on this issue, reading your daughters diary and spying on her is 100% wrong.
It is also very obvious that you are extremely insecure which is one of the reasons you are spying on your daughter. Plus you seem to care way too much about what her boyfriend thinks of you or the possibility of you embarrassing her. You seem one step away from asking for your daughters permission before trying a new hairstyle. This insecurity is what others are mistaking for you "trying to be cool".
You need to accept the fact that like most parents you are (at least from her eyes) an embarrassment to your daughter. Once you have come to terms with that put it out of your mind and don't let it influence how you act.
You do not want to take any responsibility for your current situation. You are not being completely honest with yourself let alone us.
As for the condom issue, there is nothing wrong with a 15 year old girl having condoms. If they don't out last there exploration date, they would more than likely have been used for party tricks or filled with water than for sex anyway. And if not there are far more terrible things that your intelligent 15 yo daughter could be getting up to besides having safe sex, don't you think?
As for the- you take a few condoms from her, she buys a dozen, you take a dozen, she buys a few dozen scenario you played out with her, that was just a game on her part but I don't understand why you were playing it. The following link outlines a similarly stupid game played out between a guest and the staff of a London Hotel, it mightn't help at all but is rather humorous. http://members.aol.com/prymetyme2/soap.html
As for the "unappropriate" touching I think that it is for your daughter to decide what is inappropriate. If she deems anything to be inappropriate she can let her boyfriend know and if he continues; well she has a set of lungs and you a window to through him out I am sure.
Everyone else is telling you to get tough with her. But when she has no respect for you at all (a situation you have gone a long way towards creating yourself) she isn't going to listen anyway. She doesn't "give a sh*t" so no method of punishment will be effective. In fact I would bet that it would actually make things worse.
Deep down she doesn't like the way things are at home any more than you do and she knows the errors of her ways. You need to relax, stop over reacting to things, stop fighting with her, show her love and kindness. You need to get back to a point where you can communicate effectively with her again. If even after you relax she refuses to listen to you and turns her back on you try writing the letter as I suggested above.
mushroom1
02-03-2003, 02:40 AM
Naybr, try not to take your daughter's insults personally. Most teenagers talk terribly about their parents and don't really believe most of what they say...they are trying to push away from you.
However, your daughter seems over the top. I wouldn't accept her behavior. For one thing, there would be no more gum chewing until she can learn to throw chewed gum in the garbage. I would reward good behavior and punish bad behavior and accept the fact that she is not going to like you for a while...but she probably doesn't like herself very much and is just puting it on you. Maybe therapy would help?
Good-luck.
However, your daughter seems over the top. I wouldn't accept her behavior. For one thing, there would be no more gum chewing until she can learn to throw chewed gum in the garbage. I would reward good behavior and punish bad behavior and accept the fact that she is not going to like you for a while...but she probably doesn't like herself very much and is just puting it on you. Maybe therapy would help?
Good-luck.
Zegna
02-03-2003, 09:18 AM
Mushroom- how on earth do you suggest this man stop his daughter from chewing gum? You are doing the same as every one else on here, saying do this and that but offering no practical advise as to how to enforce it. I will say it again, this girl doesn't "give a sh*t" and has no respect for her parents. Nayrb himself asked for some help regarding the enforcement of all these get tough plans but no one has been forthcoming. So to those that say set the ground rules and stick to them, ground her, take away her freedom, no gum in the house etc- What is he to do when he says she isn't going somewhere but she decides she is going regardless? Should he handcuff her to her bed? She just doesn't care and has no respect but no one seems to get that. Every one is talking like it is just so easy- why not just give her a time out lol...really people
This man faces a very difficult challenge and given his results up to this point I am far from convinced he is up to the challenge. But he can't give up. Theraphy might help if his daughter is willing, which I am not sure she would be, forced participation will not produce any results.
If you would stop clashing heads with her, relax, let her know you love her and do your best to get her speaking to you again that would be a good start.
This man faces a very difficult challenge and given his results up to this point I am far from convinced he is up to the challenge. But he can't give up. Theraphy might help if his daughter is willing, which I am not sure she would be, forced participation will not produce any results.
If you would stop clashing heads with her, relax, let her know you love her and do your best to get her speaking to you again that would be a good start.
CindyA
02-03-2003, 06:57 PM
Originally posted by Nayrb:
Let me clairify something, when they were in her room the door was not shut the door was open. Now let me ask this question, is it ok or acceptable for them to be in the bedroom together ? evn if they are just reading ?? Would you allow your daughter and her b/f to be in her room together ?
Nayrb,
My heart rate is increasing and I'm getting sooo frustrated reading these posts on these subjects. Seemed too much to reply to everything, then I saw this and figured it is a short enough subject matter.
Your daughter (aka your child or your kid) is 15 YEARS OLD!!! She is not a grown adult!
I mean absolutely NO offense when I ask you "Where have you been the last 15 years? Do you read? Do you watch TV? Do you look at magazines?" I'm serious--and NOT trying to insult you. How did this get so far out of hand?
First, NO, there should NOT ever be a boyfriend in the bedroom of your 15 YEAR-OLD daughter!! Not for ANY reason--homework, video games, Internet, TV, studying, etc. There is NO acceptable reason for them to be in the bedroom together at that age. None.
Second, to be perfectly blunt, your family is in desperate need of therapy AND parenting classes. It sounds to me like you have created a spoiled rotten brat.
Third, you say you don't care what happens after she is 18. What is our job as a parent, if not to do our VERY BEST to create a loving, responsible, kind, cooperative, functioning, well-mannered, productive member of society? If this is not your goal, what are your goals as a parent?
Oh, I feel for you. I really do. How to try to help you turn around 15 years of spoiling--I'm at a loss. Like the others say, there have got to be basic ground rules and boundaries that she is required to follow.
Interestingly enough, my 13 year-old will say on one hand that I am too strict, blah, blah, blah. On the other, she is acutely aware that it I am the way I am and I have the rules I have for TWO REASONS ONLY. One, I care about and love her more than anything in the world. Two, because of that love and my choice to raise a human being to adulthood, I have a specific job to do. My job is to create the kind of person I described above. She doesn't have to like how we both get to that point, but she knows why things are the way they are.
So, to get back on track here--the answer is NO. Not for any reason. And, at this point, while you're getting your bearings back in order, male friends would not be allowed in the house at all for a period of time--or at least until she can start following the rules.
The gum issue -- she would not be allowed to bring it into the house until she changed her ways. If that means a search of her person and her bedroom every day, so be it. It is YOUR house and YOU make the rules. When she can show some respect, she can bring gum back into the house. This isn't rocket science, Nayrb. Really. Will your family consider therapy?
Let me clairify something, when they were in her room the door was not shut the door was open. Now let me ask this question, is it ok or acceptable for them to be in the bedroom together ? evn if they are just reading ?? Would you allow your daughter and her b/f to be in her room together ?
Nayrb,
My heart rate is increasing and I'm getting sooo frustrated reading these posts on these subjects. Seemed too much to reply to everything, then I saw this and figured it is a short enough subject matter.
Your daughter (aka your child or your kid) is 15 YEARS OLD!!! She is not a grown adult!
I mean absolutely NO offense when I ask you "Where have you been the last 15 years? Do you read? Do you watch TV? Do you look at magazines?" I'm serious--and NOT trying to insult you. How did this get so far out of hand?
First, NO, there should NOT ever be a boyfriend in the bedroom of your 15 YEAR-OLD daughter!! Not for ANY reason--homework, video games, Internet, TV, studying, etc. There is NO acceptable reason for them to be in the bedroom together at that age. None.
Second, to be perfectly blunt, your family is in desperate need of therapy AND parenting classes. It sounds to me like you have created a spoiled rotten brat.
Third, you say you don't care what happens after she is 18. What is our job as a parent, if not to do our VERY BEST to create a loving, responsible, kind, cooperative, functioning, well-mannered, productive member of society? If this is not your goal, what are your goals as a parent?
Oh, I feel for you. I really do. How to try to help you turn around 15 years of spoiling--I'm at a loss. Like the others say, there have got to be basic ground rules and boundaries that she is required to follow.
Interestingly enough, my 13 year-old will say on one hand that I am too strict, blah, blah, blah. On the other, she is acutely aware that it I am the way I am and I have the rules I have for TWO REASONS ONLY. One, I care about and love her more than anything in the world. Two, because of that love and my choice to raise a human being to adulthood, I have a specific job to do. My job is to create the kind of person I described above. She doesn't have to like how we both get to that point, but she knows why things are the way they are.
So, to get back on track here--the answer is NO. Not for any reason. And, at this point, while you're getting your bearings back in order, male friends would not be allowed in the house at all for a period of time--or at least until she can start following the rules.
The gum issue -- she would not be allowed to bring it into the house until she changed her ways. If that means a search of her person and her bedroom every day, so be it. It is YOUR house and YOU make the rules. When she can show some respect, she can bring gum back into the house. This isn't rocket science, Nayrb. Really. Will your family consider therapy?
CindyA
02-03-2003, 07:10 PM
Originally posted by Nayrb:
Should I hit her with the spy software on her computer ? Also I am still concerned out how far she will go out of anger . MORE PLEASE . Thanks
At this point, "hitting her with the spy software" will do nothing to help the UNDERLYING issues at hand.
However, I agree with the other person who said that the Internet, at the very least, should be removed IMMEDIATELY. I would make no bones about it. You don't OWE your daughter explanations. If it were me, which it's not, and I realize that, but if it were, I would say "It has come to our attention that you are not using the Internet/Computer in an acceptable, responsible manner, and therefore, it is being removed from your bedroom until further notice." Period. She can have a 48-hour tantrum--not your problem. Your problem is protecting her, setting boundaries, etc., etc., etc.
Oh, gosh, you've got your work cut out for you. Hang in there -- and breathe. I know it's tough.
Should I hit her with the spy software on her computer ? Also I am still concerned out how far she will go out of anger . MORE PLEASE . Thanks
At this point, "hitting her with the spy software" will do nothing to help the UNDERLYING issues at hand.
However, I agree with the other person who said that the Internet, at the very least, should be removed IMMEDIATELY. I would make no bones about it. You don't OWE your daughter explanations. If it were me, which it's not, and I realize that, but if it were, I would say "It has come to our attention that you are not using the Internet/Computer in an acceptable, responsible manner, and therefore, it is being removed from your bedroom until further notice." Period. She can have a 48-hour tantrum--not your problem. Your problem is protecting her, setting boundaries, etc., etc., etc.
Oh, gosh, you've got your work cut out for you. Hang in there -- and breathe. I know it's tough.
CindyA
02-03-2003, 07:30 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Zegna:
[B]First of all I would like to say I think your use of the spy software is an invasion of her privacy. Does she keep a diary? That would probably make for an interesting read. When she finds out she is likely to loose the last morsel of respect she has left for you.
Zegna, I am curious, are you a parent? I, too, used to believe in absolute privacy "rights" for my daughter. Thankfully, I read tidbits and articles in many places and forms, that helped me to realize that privacy is not an absolute "RIGHT" for my CHILD. Too many terrible things can happen to our children when we give them absolute privacy. (i.e. Internet pedophiles)
My daughter is allowed some basic human privacy "rights" if you will. I wouldn't dream of opening the bathroom door while she was inside unless requested by her. I ALWAYS knock on her bedroom door to let her know that I am coming in (not to be confused with her having a say so in whether I do or do not come in). I do not tap the phone and listen to her phone conversations. I wouldn't dream of reading her diary or journal.
However, when I see a piece of crumpled paper in my living room with her writing that says she is worried about the actions of a 12 year-old sexual predator at her school, you're darn skippy any privacy is out the window.
The Internet? Same thing. I told her that her e-mail is not private -- that I WOULD read it -- that anything she did not want me to know about, she'd best not put in e-mail. I've explained to her that she does not have a right to absolute privacy at the age of 12. When she is an adult, paying her own bills and is responsible for her own welfare, then she has a right to absolute privacy.
My daughter did not lose trust or respect for me when I told her that her e-mail and Internet use is not private. Might have bummed her out a little, but she KNOWS that my reasons are because I love her and care about her, and that in the end, she'll be better for it.
I do, however, understand where you are coming from, but a diary is very different from the e-mail or visited Internet sites. If my daughter is looking at sites, for example, on the effects of Ecstacy, marijuana, or LSD, I NEED to be concerned and I am GLAD to have the "History" button.
[B]First of all I would like to say I think your use of the spy software is an invasion of her privacy. Does she keep a diary? That would probably make for an interesting read. When she finds out she is likely to loose the last morsel of respect she has left for you.
Zegna, I am curious, are you a parent? I, too, used to believe in absolute privacy "rights" for my daughter. Thankfully, I read tidbits and articles in many places and forms, that helped me to realize that privacy is not an absolute "RIGHT" for my CHILD. Too many terrible things can happen to our children when we give them absolute privacy. (i.e. Internet pedophiles)
My daughter is allowed some basic human privacy "rights" if you will. I wouldn't dream of opening the bathroom door while she was inside unless requested by her. I ALWAYS knock on her bedroom door to let her know that I am coming in (not to be confused with her having a say so in whether I do or do not come in). I do not tap the phone and listen to her phone conversations. I wouldn't dream of reading her diary or journal.
However, when I see a piece of crumpled paper in my living room with her writing that says she is worried about the actions of a 12 year-old sexual predator at her school, you're darn skippy any privacy is out the window.
The Internet? Same thing. I told her that her e-mail is not private -- that I WOULD read it -- that anything she did not want me to know about, she'd best not put in e-mail. I've explained to her that she does not have a right to absolute privacy at the age of 12. When she is an adult, paying her own bills and is responsible for her own welfare, then she has a right to absolute privacy.
My daughter did not lose trust or respect for me when I told her that her e-mail and Internet use is not private. Might have bummed her out a little, but she KNOWS that my reasons are because I love her and care about her, and that in the end, she'll be better for it.
I do, however, understand where you are coming from, but a diary is very different from the e-mail or visited Internet sites. If my daughter is looking at sites, for example, on the effects of Ecstacy, marijuana, or LSD, I NEED to be concerned and I am GLAD to have the "History" button.
Zegna
02-03-2003, 11:58 PM
CindyA: Yes I am the proud parent of 3 year old twin girls and a 1 year old boy. Me and my wife love kids and plan on having at least a couple more. I have also donated two houses that are used for accommodating homeless youths and am active in the running of these homes. I am also looking to purchase a third home which will house girls undertaking an anorexia recovery program. Plus I was also raised by the perfect parents. And while I welcome your inquiry I think experience is often over rated as the large majority of parents are at best mediocre. Oh, did I mention I am only 26 yo.
On the issue of privacy you are really kidding yourself. There is little point in reading your daughters email at all if you have forewarned her. Much like the police phoning a party and informing them that they will be conducting a drug raid in 2 hours time. Would you expect them to find any drugs?
She can just use that hotmail account you don't know about or the password to for all her really personal emails. It makes me think you have mixed feeling in regard to your spying or maybe you really don't even want to discover that she has a dark secret.
As for internet paedophiles they are actually a lot rarer than I am sure you believe but what you need to do is educate your daughter rather than spy on her. You may be able to read some of her emails but you can't access the conversations she has in chatrooms or using messenger services.
The same goes with drugs. If the average parent talks to their kids about drugs at all they will usually make the mistake of overstating the dangers of drugs. They will more or less say- "Drugs kill, don't use them". But what about Johnny? He uses drugs most weekends and is an image of health.
If through your spying game you find out your daughter has researched Ecstasy on the Internet that doesn't mean she has used it or is even considering trying it. All she is guilty of is researching it on the internet, perhaps because she has heard about it at school or in the news and wants to find out exactly what it is. It probably wouldn't be that easy to raise such a subject with a mother that is so suspicious, uptight and paranoid that she reads her daughters email. So are you going to punish the girl for being inquisitive or will you just have a serious chat with her about drugs (which is something you should have done regardless)?
I am glad you stop at the point of reading diaries and monitoring phone calls but how you can so strongly discriminate between one method of spying and another very similar method is beyond me. If you read her emails why not listen in on, even record, her phone conversations?
Despite what you may believe your daughter is in no way better off for your suspicion, spying and mistrust. In fact it interferes with the relationship you have with your daughter and the closeness between you. It also negatively affects your own mental health if only slightly.
I don't doubt you love and care for your daughter more than the world. But regardless of your motives this behaviour is not of any benifit to either of you. What you should do is spend as much time as you can with your daughter and educate her about all of your concerns. Build up the trust between you. Help her grow into an informed, confident, strong, young women with solid principles. This will go with her where ever she is where as you can not be there to spy on her.
On the issue of privacy you are really kidding yourself. There is little point in reading your daughters email at all if you have forewarned her. Much like the police phoning a party and informing them that they will be conducting a drug raid in 2 hours time. Would you expect them to find any drugs?
She can just use that hotmail account you don't know about or the password to for all her really personal emails. It makes me think you have mixed feeling in regard to your spying or maybe you really don't even want to discover that she has a dark secret.
As for internet paedophiles they are actually a lot rarer than I am sure you believe but what you need to do is educate your daughter rather than spy on her. You may be able to read some of her emails but you can't access the conversations she has in chatrooms or using messenger services.
The same goes with drugs. If the average parent talks to their kids about drugs at all they will usually make the mistake of overstating the dangers of drugs. They will more or less say- "Drugs kill, don't use them". But what about Johnny? He uses drugs most weekends and is an image of health.
If through your spying game you find out your daughter has researched Ecstasy on the Internet that doesn't mean she has used it or is even considering trying it. All she is guilty of is researching it on the internet, perhaps because she has heard about it at school or in the news and wants to find out exactly what it is. It probably wouldn't be that easy to raise such a subject with a mother that is so suspicious, uptight and paranoid that she reads her daughters email. So are you going to punish the girl for being inquisitive or will you just have a serious chat with her about drugs (which is something you should have done regardless)?
I am glad you stop at the point of reading diaries and monitoring phone calls but how you can so strongly discriminate between one method of spying and another very similar method is beyond me. If you read her emails why not listen in on, even record, her phone conversations?
Despite what you may believe your daughter is in no way better off for your suspicion, spying and mistrust. In fact it interferes with the relationship you have with your daughter and the closeness between you. It also negatively affects your own mental health if only slightly.
I don't doubt you love and care for your daughter more than the world. But regardless of your motives this behaviour is not of any benifit to either of you. What you should do is spend as much time as you can with your daughter and educate her about all of your concerns. Build up the trust between you. Help her grow into an informed, confident, strong, young women with solid principles. This will go with her where ever she is where as you can not be there to spy on her.
rainflower
02-04-2003, 12:04 AM
Nayrb~
Can I just say coming here for ideas, throwing an issue out for the crowds to offer advice- nothing wrong with it. But I would like to remind you that we are just regular folk here...at least I am. I have no professional experience in this field, so as a parent and someone who wasnt a teenager such a long time ago...great I can offer you advice all day long. But the more I Read the responses, the more I think about your situation, I really, really think you and your family need some therapy and in a hurry.
YOu asked if she could balk...even run away when you lay down the law- absolutely she can and most likely will. It happens every day all over the world. But you are the only one who truly knows your situation, and you and your wife are the only ones who can weigh your options and decide what is worth doing.
I dont believe professional intervention at this point is an option. If you cant afford it there are lots of free pastors, school counselors...crap- borrow the money if you must. For everyones sake in your family go together and separate.
I heard once about a mom who actually handcuffed herself to her rebellious daughter and did everything with her...letting her know the whole time that the reason why she was doing this was BECAUSE she loved her so much. The daughter finally broke down after a LONG period of time and changed her ways. I know from family experience that kids say they dont want boundaries when they are actually begging inside for them. Time after time this has been told to me from family members as well as friends who told me that they wished their parents had layed rules...even strict ones down, because while being allowed to raise themselves by making their own adult choices before they were actually adults was fun for a while...when they grew up it equalled in their minds that their parents actually didnt care enough to bother.
Bother...bother,bother,bother. Never stop loving her not for a second. But please show her thru effort. It is not going to be easy..especially because truthfully a huge portion of this was caused in the first place by your slack parenting..but accept the responsibility in that...maybe even sit her down and apologize for letting her down..but follow it with"but from this second on I care so much for you that I wont allow you to ruin our lives any further and I am going to do all I can to not just let you throw yours away. If you do so, if you choose this then know that you are choosing this path against our love for you. YOu are worth caring for...so you are worth trying. WE wont give up on you..please dont give up on yourself."
Can I just say coming here for ideas, throwing an issue out for the crowds to offer advice- nothing wrong with it. But I would like to remind you that we are just regular folk here...at least I am. I have no professional experience in this field, so as a parent and someone who wasnt a teenager such a long time ago...great I can offer you advice all day long. But the more I Read the responses, the more I think about your situation, I really, really think you and your family need some therapy and in a hurry.
YOu asked if she could balk...even run away when you lay down the law- absolutely she can and most likely will. It happens every day all over the world. But you are the only one who truly knows your situation, and you and your wife are the only ones who can weigh your options and decide what is worth doing.
I dont believe professional intervention at this point is an option. If you cant afford it there are lots of free pastors, school counselors...crap- borrow the money if you must. For everyones sake in your family go together and separate.
I heard once about a mom who actually handcuffed herself to her rebellious daughter and did everything with her...letting her know the whole time that the reason why she was doing this was BECAUSE she loved her so much. The daughter finally broke down after a LONG period of time and changed her ways. I know from family experience that kids say they dont want boundaries when they are actually begging inside for them. Time after time this has been told to me from family members as well as friends who told me that they wished their parents had layed rules...even strict ones down, because while being allowed to raise themselves by making their own adult choices before they were actually adults was fun for a while...when they grew up it equalled in their minds that their parents actually didnt care enough to bother.
Bother...bother,bother,bother. Never stop loving her not for a second. But please show her thru effort. It is not going to be easy..especially because truthfully a huge portion of this was caused in the first place by your slack parenting..but accept the responsibility in that...maybe even sit her down and apologize for letting her down..but follow it with"but from this second on I care so much for you that I wont allow you to ruin our lives any further and I am going to do all I can to not just let you throw yours away. If you do so, if you choose this then know that you are choosing this path against our love for you. YOu are worth caring for...so you are worth trying. WE wont give up on you..please dont give up on yourself."
i need a name
02-04-2003, 11:41 AM
Nayrb, Sorry to say this, but what I see here is very simple. You and your wife although I am sure you love your daughter dearly have set this problem into motion yourselves. You have tried to be her friend and not her parents. Being your child's friend comes much later. Like when they are grown and have kids of their own.
Please don't think I am attacking you. That is the last thing I would want to do. I have a 12 year old daughter of my own and when I read your post I thought " There for the grace of God go I." Our DD started at a very young age doing some of the things that you have discribed your daughter doing. It has taken a huge toll on the rest of the family. Hubby and I have to take a VERY hard line with her on many things and I am sure she hates us for it. But frankly I don't care. She doesnt' have to like us, but she does have to respect her father and I, and her little brother and follow the rules as long as she lives in our home. We still even after months of councling have good days, bad days and days when I have seriously thought of sending her away.
I should add that she was diagonsed in the third grade with ODD. If you are not sure what that is do a search on oppositional defiance disorder.
Please don't think I am attacking you. That is the last thing I would want to do. I have a 12 year old daughter of my own and when I read your post I thought " There for the grace of God go I." Our DD started at a very young age doing some of the things that you have discribed your daughter doing. It has taken a huge toll on the rest of the family. Hubby and I have to take a VERY hard line with her on many things and I am sure she hates us for it. But frankly I don't care. She doesnt' have to like us, but she does have to respect her father and I, and her little brother and follow the rules as long as she lives in our home. We still even after months of councling have good days, bad days and days when I have seriously thought of sending her away.
I should add that she was diagonsed in the third grade with ODD. If you are not sure what that is do a search on oppositional defiance disorder.
CindyA
02-04-2003, 12:45 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Zegna:
[B]CindyA: Yes I am the proud parent of 3 year old twin girls and a 1 year old boy. Me and my wife love kids and plan on having at least a couple more. I have also donated two houses that are used for accommodating homeless youths and am active in the running of these homes. I am also looking to purchase a third home which will house girls undertaking an anorexia recovery program. Plus I was also raised by the perfect parents. And while I welcome your inquiry I think experience is often over rated as the large majority of parents are at best mediocre. Oh, did I mention I am only 26 yo.
Zegna,
Not that I won't finish reading your post, because I will. I had to stop and say that your arrogance overshadows any semblance of intelligent, thought-provoking argument. I have no further interest in engaging in dialog with you. May you continue to be perfect and have everything perfect in your life. If only the rest of us were so lucky.
[B]CindyA: Yes I am the proud parent of 3 year old twin girls and a 1 year old boy. Me and my wife love kids and plan on having at least a couple more. I have also donated two houses that are used for accommodating homeless youths and am active in the running of these homes. I am also looking to purchase a third home which will house girls undertaking an anorexia recovery program. Plus I was also raised by the perfect parents. And while I welcome your inquiry I think experience is often over rated as the large majority of parents are at best mediocre. Oh, did I mention I am only 26 yo.
Zegna,
Not that I won't finish reading your post, because I will. I had to stop and say that your arrogance overshadows any semblance of intelligent, thought-provoking argument. I have no further interest in engaging in dialog with you. May you continue to be perfect and have everything perfect in your life. If only the rest of us were so lucky.
Zegna
02-04-2003, 02:53 PM
CindyA: You questioned whether I in fact have any parenting experience and the first paragraph of my last post (which you quoted in your corresponding post) just bluntly states my credentials.
I did refer to my parents as being perfect which in all reality they are not, parenting is an art and perfection doesn’t exist. However you can be so close that it just doesn’t matter anymore and that is where I would place my parents, in the masterpiece category. I do not claim to be perfect or that my life is perfect at all although I am completely happy in every aspect of my life. If you are envious of that then that is your problem.
I think your real issue is instead more with the remaining eight paragraphs of my previous post that you claimed not to have read. How dare I expose the many holes, problems and inconsistencies in your "I spy on my daughter for her own good theory".
You claim my "arrogance overshadows any semblance of intelligent, thought-provoking argument". I don’t deny that a good deal of my writings on this board have come across as arrogant which is contrary to my usual character. This arrogance stems from my strong beliefs that I know something that no one else posting to this board does and the fact I have been defending myself from such assaults. (Here I go again...) There is no doubt that I have been the only person on this post that has been consistent, not contradicted themselves or been conflicted at all. I also think I am the only person that has brought any real perspective to this argument and am definitely the only person to address all of the issues raised.
So I ask you, open your mind and overlook my petty arrogance and you might realize ***I have refrained from saying something extremely condescending here***.
Why don't you print out this complete threat and ask your therapist to pick the winner. Although I do think that in your previous post you not only turned this into a contest but unknowingly admitted defeat as well.
I did refer to my parents as being perfect which in all reality they are not, parenting is an art and perfection doesn’t exist. However you can be so close that it just doesn’t matter anymore and that is where I would place my parents, in the masterpiece category. I do not claim to be perfect or that my life is perfect at all although I am completely happy in every aspect of my life. If you are envious of that then that is your problem.
I think your real issue is instead more with the remaining eight paragraphs of my previous post that you claimed not to have read. How dare I expose the many holes, problems and inconsistencies in your "I spy on my daughter for her own good theory".
You claim my "arrogance overshadows any semblance of intelligent, thought-provoking argument". I don’t deny that a good deal of my writings on this board have come across as arrogant which is contrary to my usual character. This arrogance stems from my strong beliefs that I know something that no one else posting to this board does and the fact I have been defending myself from such assaults. (Here I go again...) There is no doubt that I have been the only person on this post that has been consistent, not contradicted themselves or been conflicted at all. I also think I am the only person that has brought any real perspective to this argument and am definitely the only person to address all of the issues raised.
So I ask you, open your mind and overlook my petty arrogance and you might realize ***I have refrained from saying something extremely condescending here***.
Why don't you print out this complete threat and ask your therapist to pick the winner. Although I do think that in your previous post you not only turned this into a contest but unknowingly admitted defeat as well.
Kimianne
02-04-2003, 04:30 PM
Zegna:
Wow- I've heard of people like you. Just never actually had the chance to witness first hand.
There is NOBODY in this world who is perfect or has all of the answers as you seem to think that you do.
I really feel sorry for Nayrb- I believe that he has turned to this board for help and advice. Yet this topic has been monopolized with rantings and ravings about how perfect you are.
Wow- I've heard of people like you. Just never actually had the chance to witness first hand.
There is NOBODY in this world who is perfect or has all of the answers as you seem to think that you do.
I really feel sorry for Nayrb- I believe that he has turned to this board for help and advice. Yet this topic has been monopolized with rantings and ravings about how perfect you are.
charby15
02-04-2003, 05:22 PM
What i see is a normal teenage girl. At that age every girl or boy for that matter will try and push the bounderies!! I hated my parents at one point. I was not allowed to have boys in my room for a long time and when they did finally allow it my door was to stay open, then when i was in college i could go in with my door shut and he could stay the night but on the couch. You have to set boundries.
When i was 15, if i would have been an hour late and didn't even call to ask or let them know my butt would have got it the minute we walked in the door. MY parents wouldn't have even let us make it up the stairs, let alone to my bedroom. And if i had a BF in my bedroom my dad would have come in and made him leave the house and i wouldn't have been allowed boys over for a long time. As for the gum I flat out would have got my butt wooped!! I know some might not agree with spanking a child. My parents by no means were ever out of line when spanking me and i never even thought abuse. I see absolutly nothing wrong with a spanking with the hand. and trust me I hated to hear my dad say GRAB YOUR ANKLES (i know that sounds bad, but it worked.) They stopped spankin when it stopped hurting me and my brother. As for internet in the bedroom. I was young i was not allowed to have TV, phone or internet in my bedroom. I could take the cordless to my room and talk. As for internet my dad still checks the history on my 17 year old brother cause he has a tendancy to look at porn and my dad will block the site. As for privacy. My parents NEVER and I mean NEVER read my diary or went through my stuff. If i left something laying around then that is a different story. If you want your Daughter to trust you, then give her a reason to trust you.
IF i was in your shoes this is what i would do. I would call a family meeting. I would tell her that you are NOT HAPPY with the way things are going in this family. I would tell her that you DO NOT like the way she disrespects you and her mother and that YOU WILL NO LONGER ALLOW IT. Lay down the law right then and there. Tell her that for now she is not allowed to have her BF over cause of the way she disrespected you and that she is grounded for one month and her BF is not allowed in her room for another month after that. I would take out the internet and TV from both daughters rooms just because there is no reason to have it there. Then i would tell her that you can see the websites she is going to and that you do not agree with what she is looking at and limit her internet time to an hour a day and that is it. as for gum tell her that everytime you find gum in the house anywhere except for the garbage that is a week of being grounded. AND STICK TO IT!!! Make a chart of chores for BOTH GIRLS!! Where they swith off each week with garbage and vacuming for one and dishes for the other. Swithc em every week. MY brother and i always had chores his was packing in wood and taking out garbage and mine was dishes. We took turns cleaning our bathroom and our rooms had to stay clean. My parents didn't care if we missed dinner we had to stay in our room until they were clean. No fun until chores are done!! that was my dads motto!!! You know what i HATED MY DADS GUTS cause he was so hard on us. But now i am 21 and i have the greatest relationship with my parents. As long as i followed there rules we all were happy. and if i didn't hesitate to break a rule they didn't hesitate to punish me to the fullest. I admire my parents for how they raised me now and i hope i do as good of a job as them some day.
I hope my advice helps. Just be the parent no matter how much they hate you. Be the friend later. I used to tell my dad to his face that he was an a-hole and guess what he just said i will take that as a compliment and you can go sit in your room for the rest of the night for talkin to me like that. and by god i did...... sat there with no TV, no internet, no phone. Just me and my thoughts. Good luck to you.
When i was 15, if i would have been an hour late and didn't even call to ask or let them know my butt would have got it the minute we walked in the door. MY parents wouldn't have even let us make it up the stairs, let alone to my bedroom. And if i had a BF in my bedroom my dad would have come in and made him leave the house and i wouldn't have been allowed boys over for a long time. As for the gum I flat out would have got my butt wooped!! I know some might not agree with spanking a child. My parents by no means were ever out of line when spanking me and i never even thought abuse. I see absolutly nothing wrong with a spanking with the hand. and trust me I hated to hear my dad say GRAB YOUR ANKLES (i know that sounds bad, but it worked.) They stopped spankin when it stopped hurting me and my brother. As for internet in the bedroom. I was young i was not allowed to have TV, phone or internet in my bedroom. I could take the cordless to my room and talk. As for internet my dad still checks the history on my 17 year old brother cause he has a tendancy to look at porn and my dad will block the site. As for privacy. My parents NEVER and I mean NEVER read my diary or went through my stuff. If i left something laying around then that is a different story. If you want your Daughter to trust you, then give her a reason to trust you.
IF i was in your shoes this is what i would do. I would call a family meeting. I would tell her that you are NOT HAPPY with the way things are going in this family. I would tell her that you DO NOT like the way she disrespects you and her mother and that YOU WILL NO LONGER ALLOW IT. Lay down the law right then and there. Tell her that for now she is not allowed to have her BF over cause of the way she disrespected you and that she is grounded for one month and her BF is not allowed in her room for another month after that. I would take out the internet and TV from both daughters rooms just because there is no reason to have it there. Then i would tell her that you can see the websites she is going to and that you do not agree with what she is looking at and limit her internet time to an hour a day and that is it. as for gum tell her that everytime you find gum in the house anywhere except for the garbage that is a week of being grounded. AND STICK TO IT!!! Make a chart of chores for BOTH GIRLS!! Where they swith off each week with garbage and vacuming for one and dishes for the other. Swithc em every week. MY brother and i always had chores his was packing in wood and taking out garbage and mine was dishes. We took turns cleaning our bathroom and our rooms had to stay clean. My parents didn't care if we missed dinner we had to stay in our room until they were clean. No fun until chores are done!! that was my dads motto!!! You know what i HATED MY DADS GUTS cause he was so hard on us. But now i am 21 and i have the greatest relationship with my parents. As long as i followed there rules we all were happy. and if i didn't hesitate to break a rule they didn't hesitate to punish me to the fullest. I admire my parents for how they raised me now and i hope i do as good of a job as them some day.
I hope my advice helps. Just be the parent no matter how much they hate you. Be the friend later. I used to tell my dad to his face that he was an a-hole and guess what he just said i will take that as a compliment and you can go sit in your room for the rest of the night for talkin to me like that. and by god i did...... sat there with no TV, no internet, no phone. Just me and my thoughts. Good luck to you.
Zegna
02-04-2003, 07:22 PM
Kimianne
I have heard of people like you also.
If you have read my last post you would have read quite clearly I said I do not even claim to be perfect. I don't even claim to have all the answers but I am a sure sight closer than anyone else to offer their opinion on this thread. All other posters all suggest getting tough in one way or an other but offer no practical advice on how to follow through with it. Nevermind the fact that it will never work because this girl (again...) doesn't "give a sh*t" and (almost understandably) has no respect for her parents.
As for this topic being "monopolized with rantings and ravings about how perfect you are". Well didn't I just say I don't claim to be perfect (and never have on this borad) at all and as for my parents I cleared that up in my last post.
The suggestion that the threat has been monopolized by anything of the sort is plain ridiculous. In fact less than 10% of my own paragraphs even mention anything regarding me personally or my private life. It is instead yourself and CindA that have decided to start concentrating on me.
**** **** **** _ _ _
-First post, 12 paragraphs, 2 containing refererence to my own parents and their desirable qualities, no mention of me.
-Second post, 10 paragraphs, 1 mentioning my parents in direct response to what was said my another, no mention of me.
-Third post, 3 paragraphs, none containing anything regarding me.
-Fourth post, 9 paragraphs 1 mentioning me in direct response to anothers query.
-Fifth and six posts, completely off the original subject, direct response to the bitterness of others.
I have heard of people like you also.
If you have read my last post you would have read quite clearly I said I do not even claim to be perfect. I don't even claim to have all the answers but I am a sure sight closer than anyone else to offer their opinion on this thread. All other posters all suggest getting tough in one way or an other but offer no practical advice on how to follow through with it. Nevermind the fact that it will never work because this girl (again...) doesn't "give a sh*t" and (almost understandably) has no respect for her parents.
As for this topic being "monopolized with rantings and ravings about how perfect you are". Well didn't I just say I don't claim to be perfect (and never have on this borad) at all and as for my parents I cleared that up in my last post.
The suggestion that the threat has been monopolized by anything of the sort is plain ridiculous. In fact less than 10% of my own paragraphs even mention anything regarding me personally or my private life. It is instead yourself and CindA that have decided to start concentrating on me.
**** **** **** _ _ _
-First post, 12 paragraphs, 2 containing refererence to my own parents and their desirable qualities, no mention of me.
-Second post, 10 paragraphs, 1 mentioning my parents in direct response to what was said my another, no mention of me.
-Third post, 3 paragraphs, none containing anything regarding me.
-Fourth post, 9 paragraphs 1 mentioning me in direct response to anothers query.
-Fifth and six posts, completely off the original subject, direct response to the bitterness of others.
Nayrb
02-04-2003, 10:05 PM
I need a name: THankyou for pointing out the oppositional defiance disorder.(odd) I have done a search on this and I see a very familiar resembalance. I am going to look into this further.
Thanks to all of you's who have taken the time to read and reply. I feel a bit of frustration was starting between a couple posters but I know it was just the tension created by the race to find the cure .
Thanks to all of you's who have taken the time to read and reply. I feel a bit of frustration was starting between a couple posters but I know it was just the tension created by the race to find the cure .
i need a name
02-04-2003, 10:41 PM
Glad to offer some help... But remember,if it does turn out that you and your family are dealing with this disorder, It could be an explination. Not an exucuse. DD often tries to say " But I can't help it Mom." True sometimes she can't but MOST of the time she can.
charby15
02-05-2003, 06:08 PM
This is not directed to I need a name so please don't take offence to this. Your daughter might very well have ODD, but seriously look at this situation. I see nothing but a spoiled rotten teenage girl that has been allowed to rule the house!! I do understand that some people do suffer from different disorders, but now adays people are so quick to put the blame on a disorder rather then themselves and that is sad!! People don't want to admite that they might have f*cked up somewhere down the line. But fact is knowone is perfect. Every parent is going to make mistakes but it is the ones that will admit to the mistakes and do soemthing to fix it!!! PLEASE RE-READ my previous post I really feel that i gave some good advice. If you give it a good try i bet a million bucks she will be just fine. You let her disrespect you and you haven't taught her the proper respect she should give to all people! Not just you!! Please don't give up on your daughter and blame it on a disorder! Giver her a chance. Be a good parent and you might get a good child in retern!
i need a name
02-05-2003, 09:26 PM
I take no offense at all... In fact I agree with you. It took a long time and a lot of councling before DD was diagnosed. We were afraid that DD would be labeled, so we had her evaluated by several doctors not telling any one what the others had told us. They all came to the same diaganosis. I think all kids have some of the traits they use to diagnose ODD. However, the kids with the disorder have those traits exaderated.
Nayrb
02-05-2003, 09:34 PM
I just wanted to give a update. This morning my wife opened my daughters back pack(some of you's will concider this an invasion of privacy also) and found her birth control pills. Just what we expected! WE never told her about the find. WHY !! Some of you will ask! Because, if she;s gonna f**k her boyfriend then its better to be safe then sorry. I just don't see how she thinks she can be intimate with someone that she don't even know the middle name of. I guess some people are made to learn only by their mistakes. I removed the spyware from her computer tonight( some of you's will be happy) We don't want to know anymore. If you are not or have never been a parent of a teenage boy or girl, then please do not reply to this post. I'm sure your replys sounds good to you when you read it back to yourself, but if you have never experiences teenagers the your only surmising. Apply your theories first then repost with your results. I'm interested on how you will make out. Oh ya forgot to add that a doctors appointment was made for my wife and I to discuss with our doctor her behaviour. This is set for Monday.
[This message has been edited by Nayrb (edited 02-05-2003).]
[This message has been edited by Nayrb (edited 02-05-2003).]
msrivers
02-05-2003, 09:50 PM
Nayrb, I feel for you. I truly do. I was 22 when I gained custody of my then 12 year old sister. Things went great for a year or so, she followed the rules, was respectful, everything any parent could have hoped for. Then something happened. She hit puberty, BIG TIME!! Oh my goodness, we tried EVERYTHING. We did the spying, the reading of her 'personal' stuff, we drove her to and from school, we tried grounding, we tried talking, we tried counselors. We laid down the law and we laid it down HARD. Know what she did? She ran away. Then she came back home, then she ran away again, then she came home, then she ran away again. This time when she came home we called the police. They had a big talk with her. She made all sorts of promises to us, then she ran away again. The police were called, she was arrested as a runaway, and she got to spend some time in detention. We were awful stupid ignorant morons in her eyes. She was a belligerent, hardheaded,ignorant teen in our eyes. I remember scouring the streets at night trying to find her. It was an awful trying time in my relationship with her. But teens will do what they want to do. Eventually they will find a way to do it. I do say lay down the law, discipline her, pay NO ATTENTION to how she feels about you or what she says about you. For her sake you need to play hardball.
Today my sister thanks me for being there for her, and she has apologized profusely for what she put us through. She knew that no matter what she did or how much she hurt me I would always be there for her and I would love her. At 21 she is a much wiser and more appreciative girl. It sounds to me like you are doing your best, and in the end that is really all that counts. Good luck, truly.
Today my sister thanks me for being there for her, and she has apologized profusely for what she put us through. She knew that no matter what she did or how much she hurt me I would always be there for her and I would love her. At 21 she is a much wiser and more appreciative girl. It sounds to me like you are doing your best, and in the end that is really all that counts. Good luck, truly.
Nayrb
02-05-2003, 10:07 PM
MSRIVERS: Thanks for sharing. I told my wife the other day that when our dughter finally wakes up out of this age(probally 25) and if she wants to do something nice for us to show how sorry she is, I told my wife that I'm gonna tell her to take us to dinner and I want what ever I want to order. And I 'm going for everything!! I'm gonna drain her bank account LOL! Seriously! then we will take her home and I will ask to use her washroom and I will stick gum everywhere LOL! I'm not really laughing but it makes me chuckel thinking about it.
Anablackfury
02-06-2003, 01:42 AM
Ok first off you might not want to read what I have to say b/c i am not a parent of a teen. But instead both a parent and a teen. First Congrats on letting your daughter date. Most parents would say that is too young, but it makes for a good learning experence. As a parent, you have to find the median between being to strict and too un strict. both can be really bad and led down the same roads. Instead of hiding what you are doing and sneaking. Confront your daughter. And no I don't think it is a good idea for a teen to have the internet in their own room.
As for her boy friend, Pick out a specific room(s) that are on/off limits and stick to them. If they don't follow those rules, then tell him it is time to leave. Demand respect, but also earn it. Sneaking around does not denote respect. Tell her that she will have to earn your respect, and that currently she has none. Remind her that having the internet is a privalage,not a right. Also having someone over, or going places, a privalge not a right. If you wanted to you could ground her until her graduation, That is your right as a parent. Make her earn these privalages, don't just hand them over.If you are going to spy on her internet, tell her. Really sit down and talk to her. Remind her that as a child all she really has are privalges. Tell her of the responsibilties of having sex. And the life long effects. Don't hold back. Remind yourself that you are the parent, and she is not.
I am hoping you can get though to her, b/c my mom didn't. Here I am 19, with a 2 yr old daughter, and I am stuggling to keep us alive and food on the table. No, I am not a single mom, I just got lucky, really lucky. If it helps any, you can use me as a refence. The night I lost my virginity, was the night of my daugher's conception. I hope things work out for you. you will be in my prayers.
As for her boy friend, Pick out a specific room(s) that are on/off limits and stick to them. If they don't follow those rules, then tell him it is time to leave. Demand respect, but also earn it. Sneaking around does not denote respect. Tell her that she will have to earn your respect, and that currently she has none. Remind her that having the internet is a privalage,not a right. Also having someone over, or going places, a privalge not a right. If you wanted to you could ground her until her graduation, That is your right as a parent. Make her earn these privalages, don't just hand them over.If you are going to spy on her internet, tell her. Really sit down and talk to her. Remind her that as a child all she really has are privalges. Tell her of the responsibilties of having sex. And the life long effects. Don't hold back. Remind yourself that you are the parent, and she is not.
I am hoping you can get though to her, b/c my mom didn't. Here I am 19, with a 2 yr old daughter, and I am stuggling to keep us alive and food on the table. No, I am not a single mom, I just got lucky, really lucky. If it helps any, you can use me as a refence. The night I lost my virginity, was the night of my daugher's conception. I hope things work out for you. you will be in my prayers.
charby15
02-06-2003, 12:06 PM
You know I am very sorry you felt that my advice was not good enough because i do not have a teenage daughter. I guess the fact that i was once a teenage girl.....not that long ago might i add.....merits nothing. I beleive that most anyone who read this forum would agree with me and most others advice on here. Your daughter will continue to grow up and treat you the way she does cause i don't believe anything you do will be productive.
I do think that was a good choice not to freak out on her when you found the birth control. But why not confront her on it and have THE TALK with her. Tell her you don't quit understand her choices, but that you are proud of her for being safe. Make sure she can come to you for anything (if in fact that is how you feel. The more open you are with your daughter the more open she will become with you.
Once again, I hope you rethink you choice to ignore good advice and don't be so quick to blame it on ODD. I once again wish you the best of luck.
I do think that was a good choice not to freak out on her when you found the birth control. But why not confront her on it and have THE TALK with her. Tell her you don't quit understand her choices, but that you are proud of her for being safe. Make sure she can come to you for anything (if in fact that is how you feel. The more open you are with your daughter the more open she will become with you.
Once again, I hope you rethink you choice to ignore good advice and don't be so quick to blame it on ODD. I once again wish you the best of luck.
Crimzon
02-09-2003, 06:51 AM
Hi!
Well, first off my name is Laura and i'm 16 year old, almost 17. I can't say that I know your daughter, but I can help you with a few things.
When I was 12 I was raped at an innocent sleepover gone wrong. From then on life was hell. I gave my parents hell and they never knew why. I hated everyone and everything for years. I hated myself. I never told anyone about the rape until I was 15. My mother and I had a fight one day. We had a serious talk after the fight and I broke down on my mother, telling her everything. I now see a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. I am coming terms with the rape and I now respect my parents. Things are a lot better.
My point is, It's very hard being a teenager these days. The world is so dangerous. There's so much that's probably going on in your daughters head. I'm not saying that she's been victimized, but try to have a heart to heart with her. Find out what she's really feeling and what's going on in your daughter's head.
All I really wanted from my parents was their patience, understanding and love. I wanted rules. All children want rules and guidance. Along with the love and understanding there must be rules. Once I got those things from my parents things have gotten batter and better. Life is not so chaotic. Just try to understand your daughter and tell her that you're sorry she's hurting. Tell her that what she does hurts you. Let her know that you are there for her.
Yes, teenage girls may seem crazy to you adults, but underneath all that chaos and hate is just a little girl that wants your love.
As for the boyfriend aspect...let your daughter have the freedom to date, but tell her that if she is to date then she must follow your rules. Just keep an eye on your daughter. Someday she will understand. Most, but not all guys my age are very decietful...and most girls my age trust too openly. Your daughter will learn from the choices she makes. As long as she learns from growing up then she will be fine.
As for the things your daughter has been doing on the computer, do nto tell her that you have been spying on her. That will just make more chaos in the household. Yes, I do understand that you have the right to keep an eye on her but keying her into what you are doing will just make her trust you less. My suggestion is that you move the computer to the living room or an open room so that you can watch her activity. If that doesn't work take the internet away from her. A person can live without the internet.
I hope this helps you.
------------------
Laura
Well, first off my name is Laura and i'm 16 year old, almost 17. I can't say that I know your daughter, but I can help you with a few things.
When I was 12 I was raped at an innocent sleepover gone wrong. From then on life was hell. I gave my parents hell and they never knew why. I hated everyone and everything for years. I hated myself. I never told anyone about the rape until I was 15. My mother and I had a fight one day. We had a serious talk after the fight and I broke down on my mother, telling her everything. I now see a therapist and a psychiatrist regularly. I am coming terms with the rape and I now respect my parents. Things are a lot better.
My point is, It's very hard being a teenager these days. The world is so dangerous. There's so much that's probably going on in your daughters head. I'm not saying that she's been victimized, but try to have a heart to heart with her. Find out what she's really feeling and what's going on in your daughter's head.
All I really wanted from my parents was their patience, understanding and love. I wanted rules. All children want rules and guidance. Along with the love and understanding there must be rules. Once I got those things from my parents things have gotten batter and better. Life is not so chaotic. Just try to understand your daughter and tell her that you're sorry she's hurting. Tell her that what she does hurts you. Let her know that you are there for her.
Yes, teenage girls may seem crazy to you adults, but underneath all that chaos and hate is just a little girl that wants your love.
As for the boyfriend aspect...let your daughter have the freedom to date, but tell her that if she is to date then she must follow your rules. Just keep an eye on your daughter. Someday she will understand. Most, but not all guys my age are very decietful...and most girls my age trust too openly. Your daughter will learn from the choices she makes. As long as she learns from growing up then she will be fine.
As for the things your daughter has been doing on the computer, do nto tell her that you have been spying on her. That will just make more chaos in the household. Yes, I do understand that you have the right to keep an eye on her but keying her into what you are doing will just make her trust you less. My suggestion is that you move the computer to the living room or an open room so that you can watch her activity. If that doesn't work take the internet away from her. A person can live without the internet.
I hope this helps you.
------------------
Laura
*SoccerMom*
02-09-2003, 11:05 AM
Nayrb~
I was a little taken aback when you made the statement about only wanting replies from parents of teens. I used to feel the same way about some of the replies that I would get to my posts ("What do they know? They have never been through what I am going through!")
One thing that I have learned on this board is that help can come from so many sources. Sometimes it helps to listen to the advice of teens (who are living in the same world as your teen), college aged (lived through it), new parents (vision of how to deal with their kids), parents of teens (same boat as you), parents of adult children (been there!) or adults/no children ( a different perspective). It is your responsiblity to listen to the advice, perhaps do some soul-searching, and apply what you like to your life situation.
JUST THE THOUGHTS of a "lived through it" teen & now the parent of puberty-stricken, almost teen son and two young daughters.
(Welcome, Crimzon! I admire you for sharing your difficult story. I am sure it can help many others.)
[This message has been edited by *SoccerMom* (edited 02-09-2003).]
I was a little taken aback when you made the statement about only wanting replies from parents of teens. I used to feel the same way about some of the replies that I would get to my posts ("What do they know? They have never been through what I am going through!")
One thing that I have learned on this board is that help can come from so many sources. Sometimes it helps to listen to the advice of teens (who are living in the same world as your teen), college aged (lived through it), new parents (vision of how to deal with their kids), parents of teens (same boat as you), parents of adult children (been there!) or adults/no children ( a different perspective). It is your responsiblity to listen to the advice, perhaps do some soul-searching, and apply what you like to your life situation.
JUST THE THOUGHTS of a "lived through it" teen & now the parent of puberty-stricken, almost teen son and two young daughters.
(Welcome, Crimzon! I admire you for sharing your difficult story. I am sure it can help many others.)
[This message has been edited by *SoccerMom* (edited 02-09-2003).]
mydog8mybrain
02-09-2003, 08:56 PM
Hey Nayrb - What a post. What a thread! Great discussion brought to the surface here. I'm just real impressed.
OK - I AM the parent of one teenager and one child that is now 22 years old. I just have to chuckle when I read your posts. I have lived your life pal and it is just simply awful while you are in the heat of the battle. Just awful.
OK - Take a deep breath. Relax. Chances are things will be fine in the end. Our battle lasted about 7 years. Mine being male, he got a little jail time added to his resume. Whew! I'm sure glad those days are behind me.
Here's my advice......
1. I agree with the above poster..... Every day she needs a smile and a hug (if she will even let you hug her). This is going to pay you GREAT benefits in about 30 years when she is fighting this battle with your grand daughter. YOu can look her right in the eye, as she laments her daughter's latest escapade, and remind her that she got an "I love you" every day! Oh man, what a trump card that will be!
2. OK - So she's starting to sleep with her boyfriend. Oh man, this is a hard one. It has eternal consequences if things get out of hand. My two cents would be for you and your wife to sort of get your game plan together in case the big "P" word becomes a part of your vocabulary. Learn about various facilities that attend to young ladies that are in a family way. May never happen, but if it does it would be best to be prepared.
3. You asked about what to do if she decides to leave home. Do you go look for her? Well..... I guess each situation is different. IN my case, yes. I did go looking. I looked high and low. Was it the right thing to do? I dunno. I DO know, however, that since we have gotten through all of that, my son does recall watching as I searched for him. He comments now how sorry he is that he put me through that pain. He further states that in retrospect, it was a really strong symbol of my love for him. 15 years old? Would I go out looking again? You can bet your sweet a** I would.
I'll not address the comments of the others regarding mechanics of discipline. I'm not much of an expert here. Heck, I'm not an expert at anything. I think it just has to be a trial and error kind of thing.
4. Keep a diary. When all of this is behind you put it with your last will and testament. If the day ever comes that you need to be put in a skilled nursing facility it will most likely be her and her sister that call the shots. Then, more than ever, she will need to be reminded of what she put you through. Be sure to put some tissues with the diary, she will need them then!
Best of luck to you. The battle is hard. It can tear apart families. 90% of the time things work out, kids grow up, parents reconnect with their children and we all live happily ever after. the other 10%, however, can be a real disaster. If you happen to wind up in the 10% catagory I just don't know what to say. Try to make good decisions, think with your heart as well as your head, and try to do it from an aspect of love, not control. If you can do that, then even if you wind up in the train wrecked 10%, at least you can look back and say you did the best you could with what you had to work with.
Take care my brother. I wish a good future for your daughters.
Bruce
------------------
Here's a good one.... Came from Andrew Young (U.S. Ambasador to the UN and former mayor of Atlanta, GA). "Why is it, that we try to shield our children from the same struggles that made us who we are?"
He made this comment in reference to a question from a reporter on the attitude of his parents when he left home to work with Martin Luther King in the civil rights movement.
OK - I AM the parent of one teenager and one child that is now 22 years old. I just have to chuckle when I read your posts. I have lived your life pal and it is just simply awful while you are in the heat of the battle. Just awful.
OK - Take a deep breath. Relax. Chances are things will be fine in the end. Our battle lasted about 7 years. Mine being male, he got a little jail time added to his resume. Whew! I'm sure glad those days are behind me.
Here's my advice......
1. I agree with the above poster..... Every day she needs a smile and a hug (if she will even let you hug her). This is going to pay you GREAT benefits in about 30 years when she is fighting this battle with your grand daughter. YOu can look her right in the eye, as she laments her daughter's latest escapade, and remind her that she got an "I love you" every day! Oh man, what a trump card that will be!
2. OK - So she's starting to sleep with her boyfriend. Oh man, this is a hard one. It has eternal consequences if things get out of hand. My two cents would be for you and your wife to sort of get your game plan together in case the big "P" word becomes a part of your vocabulary. Learn about various facilities that attend to young ladies that are in a family way. May never happen, but if it does it would be best to be prepared.
3. You asked about what to do if she decides to leave home. Do you go look for her? Well..... I guess each situation is different. IN my case, yes. I did go looking. I looked high and low. Was it the right thing to do? I dunno. I DO know, however, that since we have gotten through all of that, my son does recall watching as I searched for him. He comments now how sorry he is that he put me through that pain. He further states that in retrospect, it was a really strong symbol of my love for him. 15 years old? Would I go out looking again? You can bet your sweet a** I would.
I'll not address the comments of the others regarding mechanics of discipline. I'm not much of an expert here. Heck, I'm not an expert at anything. I think it just has to be a trial and error kind of thing.
4. Keep a diary. When all of this is behind you put it with your last will and testament. If the day ever comes that you need to be put in a skilled nursing facility it will most likely be her and her sister that call the shots. Then, more than ever, she will need to be reminded of what she put you through. Be sure to put some tissues with the diary, she will need them then!
Best of luck to you. The battle is hard. It can tear apart families. 90% of the time things work out, kids grow up, parents reconnect with their children and we all live happily ever after. the other 10%, however, can be a real disaster. If you happen to wind up in the 10% catagory I just don't know what to say. Try to make good decisions, think with your heart as well as your head, and try to do it from an aspect of love, not control. If you can do that, then even if you wind up in the train wrecked 10%, at least you can look back and say you did the best you could with what you had to work with.
Take care my brother. I wish a good future for your daughters.
Bruce
------------------
Here's a good one.... Came from Andrew Young (U.S. Ambasador to the UN and former mayor of Atlanta, GA). "Why is it, that we try to shield our children from the same struggles that made us who we are?"
He made this comment in reference to a question from a reporter on the attitude of his parents when he left home to work with Martin Luther King in the civil rights movement.
mlgable
02-10-2003, 10:18 AM
I did not read every response but full well agree with the discipline plan most have suggested. She is a minor and you are the adults. The longer you let her control the situations instead of YOU controlling the situations the worse it will get. As for the internet...........if she is doing things on the internet that are inappropriate then disconnect the internet. Spy ware is not something really needed since all you need to do is check the computers history or logs but that is another topic. As for taking her boyfriend to her room.........as the others have already said...........YOU need to set the limits as to where she can and can't take her boyfriend. Chores need to be done daily and you decide when they need to be finished ie: before she goes to bed or before she leaves for school etc. My one question is when did you stop setting limits and let her control the two of you? So long as our kids are minors in our home they will abide but our rules and we will set the rules not the other way around. When you do decide to start setting the limits remind your daughter that it is BECAUSE she abused things in the first place so that she knows why the stiffer rules will be enforced from here on in. Good Luck.
mlgable
02-10-2003, 10:34 AM
After reading about finding the birth control in your daughters book bag and the fact that you are not going to bring it up to her I began to realize that you are missing a wonderful opportunity to reopen the lines of sexual communication for your daughter. You state that if she is going to have sex you would rather she be safe then sorry but you must also realize that birth control pills do not make her safe as they only prevent pregnancy. You and/or your wife need to sit down and discuss the rest of the sexual implications involved such as the possibility of STD's if a condom isn't used, what she plans to do should an accidental pregnancy occur etc. Sit down and talk with her to let her know that you are there for her no matter what happens. At this point it seems like the lines of communication between you two are not real strong as she went out and obtained birth control without even consulting either of you. Use this time to rebuild those communication lines but also to set some limits for her within your home since it is your home and you are the adult. She needs a good role model and that would be someone who sets limits for her so that she knows what is expected of her etc.
wrin
02-11-2003, 06:58 PM
I'm a college-age teenager (19 now, yowza, and have things changed,) and as much as I haven't ever had a teenage daughter, I've BEEN a teenage daughter, and I'll tell you what worked for me.
Like a few people before said, there's no being too nice and there's no being too strict -- you've got to find a happy medium between reasonable and unreasonable.
Quit caring so much about what she thinks and her friends think and her boyfriends think -- she's going to think you're retarded fully half the time she's awake and out of bed, and it isn't going to change until she calms down and realizes exactly how lucky she does have it. I'm not saying she hates you, or you should go through her things because she will despise you anyway, but if she's got any decency, eventually it'll come around. It's hormones and peer pressure and being treated like an adult but not being allowed to do adult things that does it. Thousands of other things, too, probably.
The going-through-her-things bit isn't such a great idea simply because part of the reason she might be acting out against you is because she knows she can get away with it. Because she knows you're her parents and you're not going anywhere, and probably, neither is she for quite awhile. Any trust or love that lies in there (and as much as you may not think there is, trust me, when she hears stories about how her friends' parents kick the crap out of them and get drunk every weekend, she's secretly thanking God that you guys don't pull stunts like that,) is going to be forfeit -- because she'll have no reason to trust you anymore. It's ammunition -- that you never went through her private, private things. Of course, there's a big difference between a diary and a pack of condoms in her coat pocket.
The thing about the birth-control pills -- you really need to have a jack with her about that, if you HONESTLY think better-safe-than-sorry, maybe TELL HER that. She's hiding them because she doesn't want them taken away, like you did her condoms. Sit her down and don't let her leave. If you have to use force, USE IT by all means, I'm not saying bruise her, but by the good Gods, you're the parent and you're running the show -- you're not acting like a director, you're acting like an apprenticing production assistant. Even if you don't know what you're doing, it's so much more ... comforting? to us teenagers, that it seems like you are, because honestly, we like to think you do know what the hell you're doing, because we know damned well that we don't.
Then again, she IS fifteen, and I think you need to have a chat with her about sex at that age. Because there's a great chance for her to be taken advantage of, (I know you know this, but trust me, I know this a little more acutely -- it happened to me, when I was fifteen, not all that long ago. Perhaps if my parents had shared their concerns with me and been reasonable, I would have put some thought into it, instead of spiting their screaming.)
As much as you think what you say doesn't matter, it does, to her, in a way. As much as you think she doesn't listen to what you have to say, she does, even if she doesn't show it. I acted out at my parents, I was belligerent, I was rude and many other things, and they yelled and screamed and hit me, but that didn't make a difference. The real knife in my gut was when my parents showed that they were genuinely disappointed in me.
Let her punishments fit her crime -- if she leaves gum everywhere, make HER clean it up. And don't let her do what she wants until she does. Same deal with the using lots of water to wash her hair. If she's taking a little too long in the shower? Cut the hot water. Won't get out of bed? Start flinging cold washcloths. Start taking away real privileges -- not just objects of affection and importance. Take away her internet, take away her whole computer, take awya the keyboard unless she has a report to be done, and in that case, move the computer to a public place so you can watch and make sure she's not playing. Look at not doing her laundry anymore. For a fifteen year old teenager who's trying to look good for her peers, making her do her own laundry is a real reality check. Get a locked cabinet -- make two keys. Mum and Dad both get one. Keep them on your person -- do NOT hide them anywhere in the house on a regular basis, because she WILL find them. Don't be nice. Being nice will not get you anywhere. Besides, it's not like she's being very nice to YOU.
She could have it a lot rougher -- ... I guess she hasn't figured that out yet.
Like a few people before said, there's no being too nice and there's no being too strict -- you've got to find a happy medium between reasonable and unreasonable.
Quit caring so much about what she thinks and her friends think and her boyfriends think -- she's going to think you're retarded fully half the time she's awake and out of bed, and it isn't going to change until she calms down and realizes exactly how lucky she does have it. I'm not saying she hates you, or you should go through her things because she will despise you anyway, but if she's got any decency, eventually it'll come around. It's hormones and peer pressure and being treated like an adult but not being allowed to do adult things that does it. Thousands of other things, too, probably.
The going-through-her-things bit isn't such a great idea simply because part of the reason she might be acting out against you is because she knows she can get away with it. Because she knows you're her parents and you're not going anywhere, and probably, neither is she for quite awhile. Any trust or love that lies in there (and as much as you may not think there is, trust me, when she hears stories about how her friends' parents kick the crap out of them and get drunk every weekend, she's secretly thanking God that you guys don't pull stunts like that,) is going to be forfeit -- because she'll have no reason to trust you anymore. It's ammunition -- that you never went through her private, private things. Of course, there's a big difference between a diary and a pack of condoms in her coat pocket.
The thing about the birth-control pills -- you really need to have a jack with her about that, if you HONESTLY think better-safe-than-sorry, maybe TELL HER that. She's hiding them because she doesn't want them taken away, like you did her condoms. Sit her down and don't let her leave. If you have to use force, USE IT by all means, I'm not saying bruise her, but by the good Gods, you're the parent and you're running the show -- you're not acting like a director, you're acting like an apprenticing production assistant. Even if you don't know what you're doing, it's so much more ... comforting? to us teenagers, that it seems like you are, because honestly, we like to think you do know what the hell you're doing, because we know damned well that we don't.
Then again, she IS fifteen, and I think you need to have a chat with her about sex at that age. Because there's a great chance for her to be taken advantage of, (I know you know this, but trust me, I know this a little more acutely -- it happened to me, when I was fifteen, not all that long ago. Perhaps if my parents had shared their concerns with me and been reasonable, I would have put some thought into it, instead of spiting their screaming.)
As much as you think what you say doesn't matter, it does, to her, in a way. As much as you think she doesn't listen to what you have to say, she does, even if she doesn't show it. I acted out at my parents, I was belligerent, I was rude and many other things, and they yelled and screamed and hit me, but that didn't make a difference. The real knife in my gut was when my parents showed that they were genuinely disappointed in me.
Let her punishments fit her crime -- if she leaves gum everywhere, make HER clean it up. And don't let her do what she wants until she does. Same deal with the using lots of water to wash her hair. If she's taking a little too long in the shower? Cut the hot water. Won't get out of bed? Start flinging cold washcloths. Start taking away real privileges -- not just objects of affection and importance. Take away her internet, take away her whole computer, take awya the keyboard unless she has a report to be done, and in that case, move the computer to a public place so you can watch and make sure she's not playing. Look at not doing her laundry anymore. For a fifteen year old teenager who's trying to look good for her peers, making her do her own laundry is a real reality check. Get a locked cabinet -- make two keys. Mum and Dad both get one. Keep them on your person -- do NOT hide them anywhere in the house on a regular basis, because she WILL find them. Don't be nice. Being nice will not get you anywhere. Besides, it's not like she's being very nice to YOU.
She could have it a lot rougher -- ... I guess she hasn't figured that out yet.
Nayrb
02-11-2003, 10:52 PM
I would like to know something from those of you who admit to have been very rebellious towards your parents. You confess to us ( parents) that you admit to pushing your boundries and you feel so sorry for your actions today! Have any of you "rebels" every sat down lately and poured your hearts out to your parents for what you put them through? If you honestly have not, then I highly encourage you to do so because they deserve to hear the truth.
wrin
02-11-2003, 11:47 PM
I have made a point of telling my parents what was going on in my head at the time, so they not only understood that I didn't mean to put them through anguish, but that they understood that what I was doing made sense to me at the time.
charby15
02-12-2003, 01:47 PM
I don't really think of myself as a rebelious teen, but I did not get good grades (almost didn't graduate), I always caused greif when it came to chores. I drank and partied. and yes my mom is my bestfriend and i have said i was sorry more times than you can count!!!!!!!! I have appologized to my dad too for being a "Disapointment" cause that is what i thought i was.
thewaggz
02-12-2003, 09:51 PM
I have never raised a teenager, but I do have a job where I have to deal with them every day. I work in a mental facility for Children. Every day I deal with teenagers that are bi-polar, ODD, ADHD. Who have been abused so badly they have brain damage, trust issues, flash backs, abandonment issues and so on. Many of the children we house have been removed by the state from their home. Many have been placed there by their parents.
I have read all the advice. I think therapy is the way to go. I have dealt with many like your daughter. Sounds like she could be ODD, and possibly bi-polar. I would also dig deeper into a possible abuse. She seems to be sexually active and not afraid for you to find out. Cry for help? Trying to tell you something? Are you morons because something has happened and you didn’t see it or weren’t there to stop it? Hope not, but something to look in to. I also find it odd that although she is flaunting in your face that she is sexually active, she has also made sure to take responsibility by using condoms and getting on birth control.
I agree that maybe you should be sterner with her, but also think talking helps more than anything. Sometimes we worry so much about how to punish that we never ask why she is acting this way. What has changed in her life to make her so angry?
Also, don’t be afraid to get the rest of your family involved. Aunts, uncles, grandparents. If you have them as back up support your daughter will know that you cared enough for her you weren’t embarrassed to ask for help from your family. It will also provide you with someone to lean and confide in. When you’re not strong enough to deal with her behaviors let someone else be strong for you.
Good Luck.
I have read all the advice. I think therapy is the way to go. I have dealt with many like your daughter. Sounds like she could be ODD, and possibly bi-polar. I would also dig deeper into a possible abuse. She seems to be sexually active and not afraid for you to find out. Cry for help? Trying to tell you something? Are you morons because something has happened and you didn’t see it or weren’t there to stop it? Hope not, but something to look in to. I also find it odd that although she is flaunting in your face that she is sexually active, she has also made sure to take responsibility by using condoms and getting on birth control.
I agree that maybe you should be sterner with her, but also think talking helps more than anything. Sometimes we worry so much about how to punish that we never ask why she is acting this way. What has changed in her life to make her so angry?
Also, don’t be afraid to get the rest of your family involved. Aunts, uncles, grandparents. If you have them as back up support your daughter will know that you cared enough for her you weren’t embarrassed to ask for help from your family. It will also provide you with someone to lean and confide in. When you’re not strong enough to deal with her behaviors let someone else be strong for you.
Good Luck.
Starbuk498
02-14-2003, 11:02 AM
Nayrb,
I have read all the posts and your answers to them all. It just seems to me that you want "advice" on how to make things better.....but you just don't seem to be following through with what you need to do to start fixing this problem.
First of all, WHY in the world does that kid have the internet hooked up in her room and why isn't it in a family place that ALL can have access to? You mean to tell me that your child has JUST started acting up and she was fine up until she got the computer? NO I don't hink so - What do you think a Teenager is going to do with access to EVERYTHING anyway? Come on.
And in reference to her boyfriend being up in her room. HOW as her father can you allow something like that? There is NO reason why ANY BOY should be up in her bedroom at ANYTIME with or without the door open. That is just downright wrong. Your daughter is on Birth control pills AND you have found condoms....she is obviously having sex. And at 15 - there is no reason why you should be making it easier for them to be alone together.
As for the Gum incodent. You have got to be kidding me. If she was my kid, she would be stripped of EVERYTHING. All priviledges. And I wouldn't let her do ANYTHING or go ANYWHERE until she cleaned up. That and she would find the gum in all of her personal things....her makeup, her bed and on her clothes. How dare she do that??? THAT IS JUST DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING - AND COMPLETELY DISRESPECTING THE BOTH OF YOU AND YOUR HOME.
It sounds like the relationship with your daughter cannot get any worse than what it is. YOU need to gain control of this situation and NOW- you need to realize that what you are both doing now is SIMPLY NOT WORKING and you need to start from scratch.
How do you do that? STRIP THE LITTLE UNGREATFUL BRAT OF EVERYTHING. Going out, telephone, any outside activites, the internet (take the friggen thing out of her room already - you have control of how she uses the internet.....not her) and anything else. She needs to "earn" things back. YOu got to lay some ground rules and STICK TO THEM. It sounds like she can't possibly think any worse of the both of you....why don't you try to gain some of her respect back by showing her that the both of you are not going to tolerate her disrespect to all in that house anymore at anytime.
As for your comment about you not caring what she does after 18 years of age........I know that, that is the anger talking......but it is YOUR repsonsibility to make her a responsible, caring, functioning adult. Not ours. So please understand that it is YOU that needs to mold her and care about how she turns out....because it will be OUR problem some day if you don't. It is a parents responsibility how their kid turns out......because eventually......they are let loose on society, and honestly........we just don't need any more bad people out there.
I don't know where you lost control.......or when, but honestly, it really doesn't sound like you had control at ANY point in her life to turn out the way she has.
As for therapy........GOOD. You all can benefit from that - there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. What IS wrong is knowing you need it.....and never going to get it.
But first and formost.........YOU ARE THE PARENTS. Act like her parents and take control back.
Remember.......calling the police and asking them to get involved (behavior permitting) is not such a bad thing.....maybe she needs a little "authority" to show her the way.
This post is not to lash out at you for being a "bad" parent......but to hopefully wake you up and make you see that it is YOU that has created this monster.......and you got a hell of alot of advice from these boards that is some of the BEST advice you will receive........now it's YOUR job to act on it and take back control.........
Stick to your guns and best of luck.
Stefanie
[This message has been edited by Starbuk498 (edited 02-14-2003).]
I have read all the posts and your answers to them all. It just seems to me that you want "advice" on how to make things better.....but you just don't seem to be following through with what you need to do to start fixing this problem.
First of all, WHY in the world does that kid have the internet hooked up in her room and why isn't it in a family place that ALL can have access to? You mean to tell me that your child has JUST started acting up and she was fine up until she got the computer? NO I don't hink so - What do you think a Teenager is going to do with access to EVERYTHING anyway? Come on.
And in reference to her boyfriend being up in her room. HOW as her father can you allow something like that? There is NO reason why ANY BOY should be up in her bedroom at ANYTIME with or without the door open. That is just downright wrong. Your daughter is on Birth control pills AND you have found condoms....she is obviously having sex. And at 15 - there is no reason why you should be making it easier for them to be alone together.
As for the Gum incodent. You have got to be kidding me. If she was my kid, she would be stripped of EVERYTHING. All priviledges. And I wouldn't let her do ANYTHING or go ANYWHERE until she cleaned up. That and she would find the gum in all of her personal things....her makeup, her bed and on her clothes. How dare she do that??? THAT IS JUST DOWNRIGHT DISGUSTING - AND COMPLETELY DISRESPECTING THE BOTH OF YOU AND YOUR HOME.
It sounds like the relationship with your daughter cannot get any worse than what it is. YOU need to gain control of this situation and NOW- you need to realize that what you are both doing now is SIMPLY NOT WORKING and you need to start from scratch.
How do you do that? STRIP THE LITTLE UNGREATFUL BRAT OF EVERYTHING. Going out, telephone, any outside activites, the internet (take the friggen thing out of her room already - you have control of how she uses the internet.....not her) and anything else. She needs to "earn" things back. YOu got to lay some ground rules and STICK TO THEM. It sounds like she can't possibly think any worse of the both of you....why don't you try to gain some of her respect back by showing her that the both of you are not going to tolerate her disrespect to all in that house anymore at anytime.
As for your comment about you not caring what she does after 18 years of age........I know that, that is the anger talking......but it is YOUR repsonsibility to make her a responsible, caring, functioning adult. Not ours. So please understand that it is YOU that needs to mold her and care about how she turns out....because it will be OUR problem some day if you don't. It is a parents responsibility how their kid turns out......because eventually......they are let loose on society, and honestly........we just don't need any more bad people out there.
I don't know where you lost control.......or when, but honestly, it really doesn't sound like you had control at ANY point in her life to turn out the way she has.
As for therapy........GOOD. You all can benefit from that - there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. What IS wrong is knowing you need it.....and never going to get it.
But first and formost.........YOU ARE THE PARENTS. Act like her parents and take control back.
Remember.......calling the police and asking them to get involved (behavior permitting) is not such a bad thing.....maybe she needs a little "authority" to show her the way.
This post is not to lash out at you for being a "bad" parent......but to hopefully wake you up and make you see that it is YOU that has created this monster.......and you got a hell of alot of advice from these boards that is some of the BEST advice you will receive........now it's YOUR job to act on it and take back control.........
Stick to your guns and best of luck.
Stefanie
[This message has been edited by Starbuk498 (edited 02-14-2003).]
CindyA
02-18-2003, 08:59 PM
Nayrb,
So, how are things going with your daughter? Did any of this information help you at all? Has your family been able to make any changes?
So, how are things going with your daughter? Did any of this information help you at all? Has your family been able to make any changes?
Nayrb
02-18-2003, 10:13 PM
CindyA, I will share with you very soon what has been happening lately. There has been somewhat of a break through but I don't want to jump the gun and spread a bunch of good news that usually turns sour within a few hours. If things continue on the positive side for the next few days, I'll gladly post. I'm sure many of you's are concerned. I'will share with you that we (my wife,daughter,myself)did have a doctors appointment.
maisy
02-25-2003, 01:40 AM
I still have a hard time with the internet availability in her room. There is no part of the Bill of Rights which specifies that a teenager will have access to the internet without parental supervision. With some of the things I have accidentally seen on the internet and the horrible XXX ads I get via email (and I'm 37!) I cannot imagine how a young teen would handle some of it.
You may want to consider moving the computer to a family area in the house....OR disable the internet (cut off phone jack to her room) and allow the computer in her room for schoolwork (writing papers etc) and non-internet computer games ONLY. If she wants to surf the net she can do it in the family room. She may still access a lot of crap by using someone else's computer outside the home but then at least you won't be condoning it.
Hope you are able to get some therapy for the family. You DO need to be concerned about what she is like at 18, and 24, and 28, because she may well still be living under your roof, or get married/divorced and then return...or just make your life miserable by staying in the same town and harrassing you from a distance! 18 isn't any sort of a magic number...she could be an even bigger pain in the butt later unless some major changes are made. Good luck!!!!!
You may want to consider moving the computer to a family area in the house....OR disable the internet (cut off phone jack to her room) and allow the computer in her room for schoolwork (writing papers etc) and non-internet computer games ONLY. If she wants to surf the net she can do it in the family room. She may still access a lot of crap by using someone else's computer outside the home but then at least you won't be condoning it.
Hope you are able to get some therapy for the family. You DO need to be concerned about what she is like at 18, and 24, and 28, because she may well still be living under your roof, or get married/divorced and then return...or just make your life miserable by staying in the same town and harrassing you from a distance! 18 isn't any sort of a magic number...she could be an even bigger pain in the butt later unless some major changes are made. Good luck!!!!!
Healingmylife
04-12-2003, 01:15 AM
Raising Children is a difficult job. We all have our own ideas about how to go about this. There has been a lot of talk of disorders and as much talk about condoms and birth control pills. I personally feel that she is simply a rebelious teenager. She shows a great deal of responsiability by using birth control. She deserves credit for that. (Right or wrong) Respect is a whole other issue. Was she brought up in a respectful home? Do you and your wife show each other respect? It would seem that if she had seen respect she would have learned it. Did you wait on her hand and foot as a child? Give her everything she wanted? Think back, somewhere along the line something went wrong. I however, unlike most did not have "perfect" parents. I had a mother who worked all the time and a step father who saw me as a package deal. There was no loving and nurtering in my home growing up only fear and need for approval. I was an only child. Perhaps she is jealous of her younger sister? I would highly suggest therapy but NOT for you and your wife. For your DAUGHTER! She needs to be able to talk to someone she can trust and build a "new" relathionship with.
As for spying on her? That's disreceptful. I have an 11 year old and before entering her room I knock on the door. This is how children learn respect. By living it. Boyfriend in bedroom? Door open your in ear shot as long as there behaviour is approiate, I don't see any harm in it. What's the difference in a bedroom or livingroom on a sofa? I think the only disorder your daughter is suffering from is suffication. Just my opioion no disrecept meant to you or your wife.
Good Luck!
As for spying on her? That's disreceptful. I have an 11 year old and before entering her room I knock on the door. This is how children learn respect. By living it. Boyfriend in bedroom? Door open your in ear shot as long as there behaviour is approiate, I don't see any harm in it. What's the difference in a bedroom or livingroom on a sofa? I think the only disorder your daughter is suffering from is suffication. Just my opioion no disrecept meant to you or your wife.
Good Luck!
tagger
04-16-2003, 12:04 AM
Hi Naryb.
I was a rebellious teen. Two pregnancies...two abortions..drink, drugs, boyfriend, all of that. I was spoiled rotten! I was the youngest of three and the only girl. Guess what, we all survived! I'm 48yrs now so there were no internet issues etc. but I managed to drive my parents crazy anyways. Got kicked out of two (private) schools for..geez I don;t even remember!
Now I am the parent. My daughter is almost 11yrs and started her cycles at the tender age of just 10yrs. She is careening into adolesence and not quite old enought to handle it. She knows everything and we know nothing! Our thin thread of sanity is that she is very involved with a swim team and I think that lets off some of the steam. My GP swears by sports to keep kids focused, setting goals etc. Is your daughter involved in any sport or physical activity? My daughter is scheduled for "talks" with him (the GP) once a month (under protest!) So far he has done most of the talking but he's very persistent and I think will eventually get around her and find out what she's so "angry" about. I guess I should add that she is adopted of Asian origin, however that has now become an issue so far. We have made sure that she's been very aware of her history from day one. I'm sure this will become an issue at some point but she hasn't hit us with it yet!
Have you heard of a book "Mom I hate you, can you drive me to the Mall?". (sorry not sure of the author's name). It addresses the push pull that a teen feels when they are trying to gain their independence at the same time that they need guidance, discipline and support.
One of my strategies is that I hug her and tell her I love her every day. Most days she DOES resist but I will keep it up whether she likes it or not.
Once again if it's not to late get her involved in a sport, any sport. It is a great self esteem builder. They don't just need us to be proud of them, they need to be proud of themselves.
I sincerely hope that I'm not on this board 5 yrs fom now with the same problems as you. Parenting is probably the hardest job we do. Once again try the hug and love routine. It will seem very weird at first but you may be surprised that as you continue it will become easier, and maybe even produce some unexpected results.
Tagger
I was a rebellious teen. Two pregnancies...two abortions..drink, drugs, boyfriend, all of that. I was spoiled rotten! I was the youngest of three and the only girl. Guess what, we all survived! I'm 48yrs now so there were no internet issues etc. but I managed to drive my parents crazy anyways. Got kicked out of two (private) schools for..geez I don;t even remember!
Now I am the parent. My daughter is almost 11yrs and started her cycles at the tender age of just 10yrs. She is careening into adolesence and not quite old enought to handle it. She knows everything and we know nothing! Our thin thread of sanity is that she is very involved with a swim team and I think that lets off some of the steam. My GP swears by sports to keep kids focused, setting goals etc. Is your daughter involved in any sport or physical activity? My daughter is scheduled for "talks" with him (the GP) once a month (under protest!) So far he has done most of the talking but he's very persistent and I think will eventually get around her and find out what she's so "angry" about. I guess I should add that she is adopted of Asian origin, however that has now become an issue so far. We have made sure that she's been very aware of her history from day one. I'm sure this will become an issue at some point but she hasn't hit us with it yet!
Have you heard of a book "Mom I hate you, can you drive me to the Mall?". (sorry not sure of the author's name). It addresses the push pull that a teen feels when they are trying to gain their independence at the same time that they need guidance, discipline and support.
One of my strategies is that I hug her and tell her I love her every day. Most days she DOES resist but I will keep it up whether she likes it or not.
Once again if it's not to late get her involved in a sport, any sport. It is a great self esteem builder. They don't just need us to be proud of them, they need to be proud of themselves.
I sincerely hope that I'm not on this board 5 yrs fom now with the same problems as you. Parenting is probably the hardest job we do. Once again try the hug and love routine. It will seem very weird at first but you may be surprised that as you continue it will become easier, and maybe even produce some unexpected results.
Tagger
tagger
04-16-2003, 11:57 PM
This is Tagger again and I've been thinking I need to amend my previous posting. Hugging your daughter and telling her that you love her does not mean that you love what she does or how she acts! You must love her but at the same time discipline and use positive and negative reinforcements. Negative would be of course what she hates the most, probably grounding, losing internet etc. Don't forget the positive though. Any little thing she does or way she acts that is good should receive praise, no matter how small or insignificant. She has to know though that you will alays love her and be there for her, just don't forget, YOU are the parent and the last word. Don't give up when she's 18. My parents hung in there and in the end I've become a pretty decent person....Tagger
sakara33
04-30-2003, 09:10 AM
I know that maybe this has already been said, but you really need to sat her down and tell her that if she wants to live there that she has to obey the rules, kids in general need and want structure in there lives,they really want someone to guide them and to correct them (they may not like it then, but later on they will be thankful that they had good parents who cared enough to do that)...and with her acting out sounds like to me, that is what she needs....now if you have really tried this and that didn't work, my son did something like this, and my hubby and I evicted him from his room, we ended up putting a lock on his door, he lived in the living room for awhile out of 2 boxes and he hated it.....you are the parents, she is the child she is living under your roof not you under hers. In your first post about when the b/f come over and they went straight up stairs....I would have gave her about 5 minutes if that, and then I would have gone up there to tell her (not to care if I embarrassed her or not because she already disrespected you by going up there to begin with) to get her butt down stairs. And if you are afraid of her hurting herself, then by all means, all of you go for counseling... take her to see a doctor....because if you don't get a handle on it now it will only get worse.....there is a reason behind her acting out like this (it could be a number of things)....and you being the parents you are responsible for doing whatever it takes to find out why........no disrespect intended...at all so please don't take it that way.....I really know how hard it is being a parent to (a teenager) being treated like we don't know anything, that we are all stupid, like we have never been young before. I know it really hurts, and at times a part of you would like to give up...but we can't because we love them to much. The main thing is to get her back on the right track, because if you don't what and where will she be in a year from now if it continues......just my opinion.....take care and keep us informed of how everyone is doing....God Bless
shysanny
05-02-2003, 05:55 PM
hi i am replying to this cuz i just turned 21 so i can still very clearly remember what my parents were like and alls i can say is that when i was still living at home i did hate my parents well i thought i did, to me they were dumb and idiots and didnt know nothing. it is normal but you can bet your ass that they never let me get away with that i wasnt even allowed to have a phone in my room or nothin and if i was not home at curfew than i was grounded with everything taken awway including tv stereo evrything i basically had to stay in room with nothin and i hated them for it but you know what they stuck by everything they ever said and i kneew better than to make them mad and i knew to do my chores or else i had things taken away from me that i liked to have. anyways alls i can say is that then i grew up and realized that they werent so bad. yes there are still things they did that i dont agree with but you know what alls i can do is forgive them i dont hate them anymore i love them very much now and now that i have my own son who is only 13 months old but i can see in alot of ways that i will follow what my parents did cuz you know what they did the respect they wanted to their face and teenagers always talk about their parents behind their back i have never met one who hasnt. so just do what you feel is best but i do have to agree with most all the replys on discipline. it worked for me. but i do have one more thing to say my parents never looked at my stuff and i really would hate them if they would have of that is invasion of privacy totally. and about the condoms you can not stop her from doing it my parents could not stop me from nothin but i do have this to say dont take them from her BE GLAD SHE IS USING THEM AND GET HER ON BIRTH CONTROL
Kimia
05-05-2003, 09:32 PM
Hello,
My daughters are much younger than yours, my oldest is 8 and has ADHD, she was out of control, no matter what we did we were the bad ones. I was ont he brink of needing a funny little jacket and a padded room, Then i took a parenting class and from thier i went to a seminar it was called "Smart Discipline" and while there i bought a workbook on the Smart Discipline Plan, and it has been 3 weeks since we put the "rules" into affect, I have just had the easiest, less stressfull 2 weeks in 8 year, i strongly recommend it.
If you would like more information, I have the workbook right here and would be happy to give you some ideas.***secret*** dont tell anyone....lol, but i have copied the entire workbook onto my computer and would be more than happy to email you the info. If interested email me. earnhardtfan@metrocast.net
also this program is for kids ages 4-17 but would probably work for anyone who lives at home and is should be expected to follow the rules.
Good Luck
Kimia
p.s. YES YES YES take that computer out of her room, who cares if she hates you for it now, you would hate yourself if she decided to run away with someone she met online and ended up in a ditch somewhere......it's happening all the time, and VERY scary!
My daughters are much younger than yours, my oldest is 8 and has ADHD, she was out of control, no matter what we did we were the bad ones. I was ont he brink of needing a funny little jacket and a padded room, Then i took a parenting class and from thier i went to a seminar it was called "Smart Discipline" and while there i bought a workbook on the Smart Discipline Plan, and it has been 3 weeks since we put the "rules" into affect, I have just had the easiest, less stressfull 2 weeks in 8 year, i strongly recommend it.
If you would like more information, I have the workbook right here and would be happy to give you some ideas.***secret*** dont tell anyone....lol, but i have copied the entire workbook onto my computer and would be more than happy to email you the info. If interested email me. earnhardtfan@metrocast.net
also this program is for kids ages 4-17 but would probably work for anyone who lives at home and is should be expected to follow the rules.
Good Luck
Kimia
p.s. YES YES YES take that computer out of her room, who cares if she hates you for it now, you would hate yourself if she decided to run away with someone she met online and ended up in a ditch somewhere......it's happening all the time, and VERY scary!
poohbear7676
08-12-2005, 07:11 PM
Hello i have read all your story you need to controll the roles your the parent she is the child and if is is telling her sister she is going to hert her well baybe she needs help or bootcamp i have two childern have never touched eather one they tryed playing the how far can i go game to and they know they can't get very far the are scared of me and they know if they do something i told them not to do i would go in there room and say something right in front of ther friends or boyfriend or girlfriend there is no need for her to treat you that way unless she thinks she the parent and your the child i am sorry she out of line put the spy thing on her computer or move the computer somewhere you can see whats she is doing my daughters computer is right in the liveingroom where i can see every thing she does if i am not around she can't go on because if she did i would throw it away.You better get controll be for it's to late.
poohbear7676
08-12-2005, 07:13 PM
where could i get on of thoes book because you never know whats going to happen lol
poohbear7676
08-12-2005, 07:14 PM
Hello,
My daughters are much younger than yours, my oldest is 8 and has ADHD, she was out of control, no matter what we did we were the bad ones. I was ont he brink of needing a funny little jacket and a padded room, Then i took a parenting class and from thier i went to a seminar it was called "Smart Discipline" and while there i bought a workbook on the Smart Discipline Plan, and it has been 3 weeks since we put the "rules" into affect, I have just had the easiest, less stressfull 2 weeks in 8 year, i strongly recommend it.
If you would like more information, I have the workbook right here and would be happy to give you some ideas.***secret*** dont tell anyone....lol, but i have copied the entire workbook onto my computer and would be more than happy to email you the info. If interested email me. earnhardtfan@metrocast.net
also this program is for kids ages 4-17 but would probably work for anyone who lives at home and is should be expected to follow the rules.
Good Luck
Kimia
p.s. YES YES YES take that computer out of her room, who cares if she hates you for it now, you would hate yourself if she decided to run away with someone she met online and ended up in a ditch somewhere......it's happening all the time, and VERY scary!
where could i get on of thoes book because you never know whats going to happen lol
My daughters are much younger than yours, my oldest is 8 and has ADHD, she was out of control, no matter what we did we were the bad ones. I was ont he brink of needing a funny little jacket and a padded room, Then i took a parenting class and from thier i went to a seminar it was called "Smart Discipline" and while there i bought a workbook on the Smart Discipline Plan, and it has been 3 weeks since we put the "rules" into affect, I have just had the easiest, less stressfull 2 weeks in 8 year, i strongly recommend it.
If you would like more information, I have the workbook right here and would be happy to give you some ideas.***secret*** dont tell anyone....lol, but i have copied the entire workbook onto my computer and would be more than happy to email you the info. If interested email me. earnhardtfan@metrocast.net
also this program is for kids ages 4-17 but would probably work for anyone who lives at home and is should be expected to follow the rules.
Good Luck
Kimia
p.s. YES YES YES take that computer out of her room, who cares if she hates you for it now, you would hate yourself if she decided to run away with someone she met online and ended up in a ditch somewhere......it's happening all the time, and VERY scary!
where could i get on of thoes book because you never know whats going to happen lol
2fast4u
08-12-2005, 10:59 PM
Naybr, I haven't read through all the pages in this post. But I am sort of relating to all this, since I can still very clearly remember being 15 and having some of those same rules. And, yes, I went through a stage where I hated my parents but they were not "cool" parents and my dad was strict disiplinarian (SP?). So I did have some grounds for my hatred and still have some conflicted feelings for them.
Starting with no boys in the bedroom . . . as much as I hated this rule my parents would call me right out of my room if I tried. Or if they okayed me being in there they would make me leave the door open and one or another would show up in there from time to time.
Another rule you should lay down is that your daughters B/f's must at least say hello to you and your wife. If he can't respect you, he is not respecting your daughter.
Remember this is your house and your rules and she has to respect them whether she likes it or not. It was a hard pill for me to swallow but swallow it, I did. I also realized when I got older that although I still don't like it, it makes good sense.
If I tried some of the things your daughter is trying I knew my dad would "kick my *** clear into next week". Knowing that he really wouldn't do that but would discipline me in some very serious fashion made me hesitate to do those things. Your daughter has to know you are serious enough to carry through.
If your daughter decides she doesn't like things and wants to spilt, let her. She will come back. That world out there will be harder and scarrier on a 15 yr old then you can ever be. The only way she can make good money out there and have a bed to sleep in, is on her back. I know people who at that age chose to leave and they soon figured out that that profession brought in the most money, the quickest. Not pretty, but very true. My dad always told me if I didn't like it, I could leave. I thought about it a million times but could never figure out where I would go or what I would do for the long term. Oh sure, I could stay at a friends house for some time, but for the long term, not really.
Whatever you do decide, follow through. I had a friend whose daughter was a slob. She would always leave her clothes laying around. Never picked up after herself. Well, this lady told her daughter the next time it happens, I am going to pick up everything and put it in the garbage, I am done warning and cleaning up after you. She followed through and her daughter came to her asking about a certain one of her outfits and she told her if you run real fast you may be able to catch the garbage men. She followed through and seriously did this. Let me tell you, there was never a mess again.
I am telling you this as it was less then 10 years ago I was 15 and I hated my parents too. But I do know now their rules were for my good. I know I didn't follow this whole post so maybe I repeated but I had to put in my thoughts.
Starting with no boys in the bedroom . . . as much as I hated this rule my parents would call me right out of my room if I tried. Or if they okayed me being in there they would make me leave the door open and one or another would show up in there from time to time.
Another rule you should lay down is that your daughters B/f's must at least say hello to you and your wife. If he can't respect you, he is not respecting your daughter.
Remember this is your house and your rules and she has to respect them whether she likes it or not. It was a hard pill for me to swallow but swallow it, I did. I also realized when I got older that although I still don't like it, it makes good sense.
If I tried some of the things your daughter is trying I knew my dad would "kick my *** clear into next week". Knowing that he really wouldn't do that but would discipline me in some very serious fashion made me hesitate to do those things. Your daughter has to know you are serious enough to carry through.
If your daughter decides she doesn't like things and wants to spilt, let her. She will come back. That world out there will be harder and scarrier on a 15 yr old then you can ever be. The only way she can make good money out there and have a bed to sleep in, is on her back. I know people who at that age chose to leave and they soon figured out that that profession brought in the most money, the quickest. Not pretty, but very true. My dad always told me if I didn't like it, I could leave. I thought about it a million times but could never figure out where I would go or what I would do for the long term. Oh sure, I could stay at a friends house for some time, but for the long term, not really.
Whatever you do decide, follow through. I had a friend whose daughter was a slob. She would always leave her clothes laying around. Never picked up after herself. Well, this lady told her daughter the next time it happens, I am going to pick up everything and put it in the garbage, I am done warning and cleaning up after you. She followed through and her daughter came to her asking about a certain one of her outfits and she told her if you run real fast you may be able to catch the garbage men. She followed through and seriously did this. Let me tell you, there was never a mess again.
I am telling you this as it was less then 10 years ago I was 15 and I hated my parents too. But I do know now their rules were for my good. I know I didn't follow this whole post so maybe I repeated but I had to put in my thoughts.
blonde_girl
08-18-2005, 03:15 PM
Hi,
I am not a parent, I am only 21 (female). My dad used to embarass the crap out of me. I would do the same thing, he would tell me no boys in the bedroom and I would do it anyway. He would come up stairs and tell me infront of the boy that we were to go downstairs, I would get furious.
As for the internet stuff. I think it is fine that you have spyware on there, but by all means don't tell her, then she will just feel like you are invading her privacy. I think it is good that you ahve spyware on there, that way if she was doing anything illegal (getting drugs), or looking other things up you would know.
I used to use alot of hot water, not like your daugter, but I would take my sweet time, you know what my dad did?? Turned the hot water heater WAY down!! She won't stay in the shower if she runs out of hot water. Then he put duck tape over it so that I couldn't move it.
Pretty much I would just say as everyone else did, lay down the law. Explain to her that even though she is your daughter, this is YOUR house, and she will abide by YOUR rules. I don't know about where you live, but where we live there is a youth home. I know a girl that was sent to a youth home and that straigtened her out quick. Any questions I would ge glad to help, with a younger woman's perspective on things.
I am not a parent, I am only 21 (female). My dad used to embarass the crap out of me. I would do the same thing, he would tell me no boys in the bedroom and I would do it anyway. He would come up stairs and tell me infront of the boy that we were to go downstairs, I would get furious.
As for the internet stuff. I think it is fine that you have spyware on there, but by all means don't tell her, then she will just feel like you are invading her privacy. I think it is good that you ahve spyware on there, that way if she was doing anything illegal (getting drugs), or looking other things up you would know.
I used to use alot of hot water, not like your daugter, but I would take my sweet time, you know what my dad did?? Turned the hot water heater WAY down!! She won't stay in the shower if she runs out of hot water. Then he put duck tape over it so that I couldn't move it.
Pretty much I would just say as everyone else did, lay down the law. Explain to her that even though she is your daughter, this is YOUR house, and she will abide by YOUR rules. I don't know about where you live, but where we live there is a youth home. I know a girl that was sent to a youth home and that straigtened her out quick. Any questions I would ge glad to help, with a younger woman's perspective on things.