hangtenvetter
07-19-2003, 12:55 AM
Hi. I have been on the boards for a bit and have yet to discover where I fit.
I don't know what it is. It's like there is something inside that I haven't uncovered. Like there is some piece or memory that is stuck and I am trying to remember it. Like there is a key that I need to find to understand what makes me think the way I think.
I am happy, but for the longest time I couldn't sleep. Thoughts were racing in my mind like wild fire. Now after the meds, the thoughts have dissapated. The sleep has returned. Yet, I feel a pull. There is a sense that there is something I -have- to do. I get the feeling that I am preparing for a mission. I have to be in tune, alert, ready for the word to "go there". It is almost like I am waiting on a "calling".
I know most people want to have a purpose. This search for meaning is something that I think you are supposed to grow out of. It's as if I am stuck in my teens or something. Seems like the rest of the world just lives. I don't know why I am always trying to figure everything out.
I think about the cycle of my day and it seems like the days are flying and I am still trying to figure out what the hay I am supposed to do. I'll be old, gray, shriveled in the twinkling of an eye. And I'll still be lost as a goose wondering about the reason for it all.
It's like I need to step onto something, but I don't know where to step.
You know when you are hungry for something, but you don't know what it is. That is the way I feel about life. It's like I am waiting for that something. For things to finally click, and to go -yes- ... I know what I was cut out for.
I feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.
I think I ought to change from hangtenvetter to squarepeg.
That was a lot of rambling. Thanks for listening.
[This message has been edited by hangtenvetter (edited 07-19-2003).]
I don't know what it is. It's like there is something inside that I haven't uncovered. Like there is some piece or memory that is stuck and I am trying to remember it. Like there is a key that I need to find to understand what makes me think the way I think.
I am happy, but for the longest time I couldn't sleep. Thoughts were racing in my mind like wild fire. Now after the meds, the thoughts have dissapated. The sleep has returned. Yet, I feel a pull. There is a sense that there is something I -have- to do. I get the feeling that I am preparing for a mission. I have to be in tune, alert, ready for the word to "go there". It is almost like I am waiting on a "calling".
I know most people want to have a purpose. This search for meaning is something that I think you are supposed to grow out of. It's as if I am stuck in my teens or something. Seems like the rest of the world just lives. I don't know why I am always trying to figure everything out.
I think about the cycle of my day and it seems like the days are flying and I am still trying to figure out what the hay I am supposed to do. I'll be old, gray, shriveled in the twinkling of an eye. And I'll still be lost as a goose wondering about the reason for it all.
It's like I need to step onto something, but I don't know where to step.
You know when you are hungry for something, but you don't know what it is. That is the way I feel about life. It's like I am waiting for that something. For things to finally click, and to go -yes- ... I know what I was cut out for.
I feel like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.
I think I ought to change from hangtenvetter to squarepeg.
That was a lot of rambling. Thanks for listening.
[This message has been edited by hangtenvetter (edited 07-19-2003).]
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goodmom
07-19-2003, 04:33 PM
It's funny that you should post this, because I often feel this way, especially if I'm a little depressed. I go around thinking, "so what am I suppose to be doing? what am I suppose to see???". I've become a little obsessional about it lately I think, because I went through something traumatic with my daughter this past winter, and even tho she's healthy now, I keep thinking there must have been a reason why we went through what we went through. I just told my sister yesterday that I thought I was "missing something" and I can't stop thinking about it. She said sometimes a purpose shows up later, or you are unaware that you are fulfilling your purspose until it's competed and you look back. (I sometimes envy her sereneness!) My favorite line from Bugs Bunny was "oooooo, I HATE not knowing what it is!" One of my quirks is fixing, solving and closing things. I feel uneasy if things are unresolved. This feeling I get -- that I should be doing something, or that urgent attention is needed and I'm not seeing it -- is an anxiety that stems from that.I know and understand it mentally, but at times it can be overpowering. My husband has said, "she's fine now, stop obsessing over it." Can't. As far as being a square peg, I know how you feel. I've surrounded myself with a few other squarepegs and we are all "happy" together in a square-pegness. We see the round pegs and just say "humph. They're not like us." I know exactly what my friend is feeling when she calls to complain about her husband's dirty shoes (I don't share that ideosynchracy, but I do know the anxiety). She ends with "you know how I feel right?" and I always do. That's why I (and most of the world, whether they admit it or not) know how you feel too. I know that I'm not suppose to write any thing religious on here, but prayer has helped me "wait" and let things happen in due time and to accept life's cliff hangers. I'm trying to replace fear with love these days (sounds like a bumper sticker). I'm not perfect mind you, but it's helped. Oh yes, humor is a HUGE help. What would Bert on Sesame Street say? George Castanza? Felix Unger? It's funny when you think about it, and derails the obsession for awhile. Please know that you are "known" and understood by others. Your post made me know that are others that feel as I do and I'm not alone. I just hope that my post helps you as much as yours helped me.
Lee
NJ
Lee
NJ
hangtenvetter
07-19-2003, 05:32 PM
I keep thinking there must have been a reason why we went through what we went through.
Yep. I am still struggling for the rhymes and reasons to events in my life. Thankfully that is subsiding somewhat. I think one thing the religion teaches us is that there is a higher meaning to things. So we stretch and try to grab onto "higher" things. Only sometimes we definitely obsess about fiction that we percieve as reality.
...I was "missing something" and I can't stop thinking about it.
Yes. Whatever the piece is, I'd like to know. If there is no piece, that'd be a piece in itself, and I'd be finished.
One of my quirks is fixing, solving and closing things. I feel uneasy if things are unresolved. This feeling I get -- that I should be doing something, or that urgent attention is needed and I'm not seeing it -- is an anxiety that stems from that.I know and understand it mentally, but at times it can be overpowering.
Oh man, I am the same way. Totally. Actually I do it professionally as well at work! I -have- to have things in place and in order at work before I can have fun. I can't imagine a vacation without things fixed. I can spend days working on a particular problem, and I will not let up until I solve it. This is actually good in most cases. But when your brain starts hounding you with more and more things to solve it gets quite stressful. When I finally went to the doc, I was solving things all day, while laying in bed trying to sleep and finally in my dreams. Round the clock solving. The thing is, I -can- solve stuff. It is just that it is hard to stop and relax.
I know that I'm not suppose to write any thing religious on here, but prayer has helped me "wait" and let things happen in due time and to accept life's cliff hangers.
I didn't think there was a rule about not writing anything religious. All I can say is that the best and worst things I've seen in my life have revolved around religion. There is nothing worse and more detrimental than misguided, misinterpreted religious life... and nothing better than a true religious life.
Oh yes, humor is a HUGE help.
No doubt!
Your post made me know that are others that feel as I do and I'm not alone. I just hope that my post helps you as much as yours helped me.
Yes your post helped me. I was actually thinking nobody might respond. Then when I saw the post I was so happy. Good luck and have a good Saturday.
That's all folks!
[This message has been edited by hangtenvetter (edited 07-19-2003).]
Yep. I am still struggling for the rhymes and reasons to events in my life. Thankfully that is subsiding somewhat. I think one thing the religion teaches us is that there is a higher meaning to things. So we stretch and try to grab onto "higher" things. Only sometimes we definitely obsess about fiction that we percieve as reality.
...I was "missing something" and I can't stop thinking about it.
Yes. Whatever the piece is, I'd like to know. If there is no piece, that'd be a piece in itself, and I'd be finished.
One of my quirks is fixing, solving and closing things. I feel uneasy if things are unresolved. This feeling I get -- that I should be doing something, or that urgent attention is needed and I'm not seeing it -- is an anxiety that stems from that.I know and understand it mentally, but at times it can be overpowering.
Oh man, I am the same way. Totally. Actually I do it professionally as well at work! I -have- to have things in place and in order at work before I can have fun. I can't imagine a vacation without things fixed. I can spend days working on a particular problem, and I will not let up until I solve it. This is actually good in most cases. But when your brain starts hounding you with more and more things to solve it gets quite stressful. When I finally went to the doc, I was solving things all day, while laying in bed trying to sleep and finally in my dreams. Round the clock solving. The thing is, I -can- solve stuff. It is just that it is hard to stop and relax.
I know that I'm not suppose to write any thing religious on here, but prayer has helped me "wait" and let things happen in due time and to accept life's cliff hangers.
I didn't think there was a rule about not writing anything religious. All I can say is that the best and worst things I've seen in my life have revolved around religion. There is nothing worse and more detrimental than misguided, misinterpreted religious life... and nothing better than a true religious life.
Oh yes, humor is a HUGE help.
No doubt!
Your post made me know that are others that feel as I do and I'm not alone. I just hope that my post helps you as much as yours helped me.
Yes your post helped me. I was actually thinking nobody might respond. Then when I saw the post I was so happy. Good luck and have a good Saturday.
That's all folks!
[This message has been edited by hangtenvetter (edited 07-19-2003).]
halo81
07-19-2003, 07:06 PM
i think i know alittle about you guys are talking about its like before i go to work i gotta get all my things ready like change to my work clothes cause i work in a factory, put on my safety shoes and grab my safety glasses right? its really simple things and if i forget any of them i have an extra pair of safety shoes at work and if i forget my glasses someone at work always gives me some and my clothes dont always get that dirty at work i can stay pretty clean but atleast lately when i go to work i feel like theres something else im forgetting but just dont have an idea of what it is so i check for my wallet and cell phone stuff i dont really need to take to work but helps just in case i need them and after i checked for anything i think i might need i still feel theres something else missing i dont know if you understand but anyways what ive been kinda trying to do lately is ok if i think that im missing something but im not sure what then i guess i dont really need it right? so i just go to work anyways and just see how it goes i dont know if i make to much sense but it kinda makes sense to me
hangtenvetter
07-19-2003, 07:32 PM
Hi Halo. Thanks for your reply.
I forgot to add in my last post: since I've been on the meds I get a real sense of completion after doing something. There must be some sense of award your brain gives you when you do finish something. My awards were all gone. Somebody had stolen the Oscar!
Now I can do something and look at it, say it is finished, feel good, walk away and forget about it. No agonizing. No what ifs. No feeling like I -should- do more.
[This message has been edited by hangtenvetter (edited 07-19-2003).]
I forgot to add in my last post: since I've been on the meds I get a real sense of completion after doing something. There must be some sense of award your brain gives you when you do finish something. My awards were all gone. Somebody had stolen the Oscar!
Now I can do something and look at it, say it is finished, feel good, walk away and forget about it. No agonizing. No what ifs. No feeling like I -should- do more.
[This message has been edited by hangtenvetter (edited 07-19-2003).]
goodmom
07-21-2003, 03:51 PM
I totally agree with your posts. I simply must have things in order before being able to have fun. I used to love that aspect of my job that allowed me to "close" a case and organize the file in completion. It was the best feeling in the world. My house is spotless, in order, beds crisp and clean before I go on vacation. It has to be so otherwise I'll think things are unresolved and I won't have fun. And I still do solve problems in my sleep. That's probably why I grind my teeth. Unfortunately, I'm going through the phase right now that I'm missing something -- that's something's wrong and I'm suppose to handle it. I'm pretty sure this all happened because the doc had said that my daughter's condition could just "pop up" at any moment. And so I look at every little thing she does as a prelude to a problem. "did I miss a clue? is she showing problems? How can I fix this?" I guess I should say "how can I fix me?" I know all parents worry, but I acknowledge that mine has become obsessive. I'm hoping that with time, prayer and support, I'll return to normal, and find something else to obsess about.
Lee
Lee
hangtenvetter
07-22-2003, 12:25 AM
I have some friends that can live in chaos and be totally calm at peace and have a blast. I do not know how they do it. I can say that they end up in trouble a lot too. So the order thing is good to an extent.
My house is spotless, in order, beds crisp and clean before I go on vacation.
I picture one of those commercials for cotton. Now I am thinking wood floors, open windows blowing in fresh air, a sea breeze, new shiny appliances...
I'm pretty sure this all happened because the doc had said that my daughter's condition could just "pop up" at any moment. Part of it is probably being a "good mom" too. ;)
...find something else to obsess about.
I seem to float from one thing I'm "into" to another. I wouldn't call these obsessions. I think clinically they are referred to as "preoccupations". I think it all started with Pacman. Or was it the Rubic's cube?
Well I do hope you get past this. My wife has been quite obsessive herself. She began after we had our daughter. Everybody called her "Nazi Momma" (jokingly) because she wouldn't let anybody touch our little one.
It has been a real battle for her. She just can't help think that the whole world is a vile festering bacterial petri dish. She has to tell herself that she has a choice about choosing fear. She is getting better.
I envy your orderly house. I try, and things are pretty decent. But I want that fresh crisp delicate feeling in my home.
Take care.
My house is spotless, in order, beds crisp and clean before I go on vacation.
I picture one of those commercials for cotton. Now I am thinking wood floors, open windows blowing in fresh air, a sea breeze, new shiny appliances...
I'm pretty sure this all happened because the doc had said that my daughter's condition could just "pop up" at any moment. Part of it is probably being a "good mom" too. ;)
...find something else to obsess about.
I seem to float from one thing I'm "into" to another. I wouldn't call these obsessions. I think clinically they are referred to as "preoccupations". I think it all started with Pacman. Or was it the Rubic's cube?
Well I do hope you get past this. My wife has been quite obsessive herself. She began after we had our daughter. Everybody called her "Nazi Momma" (jokingly) because she wouldn't let anybody touch our little one.
It has been a real battle for her. She just can't help think that the whole world is a vile festering bacterial petri dish. She has to tell herself that she has a choice about choosing fear. She is getting better.
I envy your orderly house. I try, and things are pretty decent. But I want that fresh crisp delicate feeling in my home.
Take care.
poreoilyme
07-25-2003, 07:11 PM
It sounds to be like what you're all searching for is security. You are battling emptiness. I think faith is the only answer to truly feeling fulfilled, but that's easier said than done if you are cyncical of religion. You can learn to be spiritual, however, and that starts with being more attentive to the little things that do make a difference, and they're not material, which is why those disordered people seem so calm and happy. They don't depend on their environment for security because they have already have it within themselves. They have faith in something, and if not God, then in themselves. Sometimes we look for bigger answers than the simple ones right before us. You have a marvelous chance to live as a human being and create your destiny from day to day. Work at that, and influence people. Have or find a mission and purpose in life. Start out small and methodical. Chose a project that makes you want to get up in the morning and get right on it. Be creative, seek out chances to make a difference in other people's lives, do things that will give you small rewards--take a class and strive to get an A. Try another one and try to do even better--not for anyone but just yourself. Congratulate yourself on taking the initiative if at first you just get a D, and then keep striving to do better. You need goals and structure, a mission, passion, and rewards. Take chances and don't settle to just be content. Get involved and make your life so busy that if you are sick one day the world will notice your absence. Becoming engaged in life instead of observing it works wonders.
Good luck!
Good luck!
hangtenvetter
07-26-2003, 12:32 AM
I agree with you for the most part. And I appreciate your advice. I look on my first post and feel really childish for writing it. It's nice to be anonymous --- even though anybody who knows me who sees "hangtenvetter" will undoubtedly figure out it is me. I keep kicking myself for coming up with that name.
I especially like the advice you gave about taking a small piece and working on it.
I will say that I've been creative, taken small rewards, made plenty of A's, taken classes for myself (art etc.), volunteered at soup kitchens, worked with homeless children in Russia, have faith, normally feel pretty happy, enjoy most anything, learned and learned, love my job where I get to do exactly what I studied for in school and am doing more than I could have imagined professionally. I also have a happy home life here with my wife and little girl.
So things are pretty straight.
I grew up in government housing where I suppose we were in semi-poverty. I grew up dumber than a rock. I also experienced some wild religious stuff as a kid.
At some point along the way, I decided I was going to "get right". So I started studying. And it turned out I had a small talent. I was good at math. I studied my butt off. It seems like 10 hours a day for 6 years.
Then I decided to get "even righter". So I plugged into a Bible study, made some friends. And even married one of them.
So I continued to do good and make everybody happy happy. It is what I do best. I can fix things for people. Or at least I think it is my job!
All the while trying to do live up to my "higher calling" as a Christian do-gooder (or is it gooderer?)
I know that the point is not being a do-gooder.
Anyways, I think I am outdoing the childishness of the first post.
I will say that some new things are occuring to me. And I think a turning point is coming. Or possibly a stopping point. Not sure there.
I do have some pent up things. I never really knew how much they were there until recently. For some reason I've had dreams of childhood almost every night for weeks.
BTW: I just watched a movie called "Almost Famous". It is a great movie. It gets my thumbs up.
Take care. Thanks for listening. It helps to put these things, as whacky as they may be, on paper... or should I say electrons.
I especially like the advice you gave about taking a small piece and working on it.
I will say that I've been creative, taken small rewards, made plenty of A's, taken classes for myself (art etc.), volunteered at soup kitchens, worked with homeless children in Russia, have faith, normally feel pretty happy, enjoy most anything, learned and learned, love my job where I get to do exactly what I studied for in school and am doing more than I could have imagined professionally. I also have a happy home life here with my wife and little girl.
So things are pretty straight.
I grew up in government housing where I suppose we were in semi-poverty. I grew up dumber than a rock. I also experienced some wild religious stuff as a kid.
At some point along the way, I decided I was going to "get right". So I started studying. And it turned out I had a small talent. I was good at math. I studied my butt off. It seems like 10 hours a day for 6 years.
Then I decided to get "even righter". So I plugged into a Bible study, made some friends. And even married one of them.
So I continued to do good and make everybody happy happy. It is what I do best. I can fix things for people. Or at least I think it is my job!
All the while trying to do live up to my "higher calling" as a Christian do-gooder (or is it gooderer?)
I know that the point is not being a do-gooder.
Anyways, I think I am outdoing the childishness of the first post.
I will say that some new things are occuring to me. And I think a turning point is coming. Or possibly a stopping point. Not sure there.
I do have some pent up things. I never really knew how much they were there until recently. For some reason I've had dreams of childhood almost every night for weeks.
BTW: I just watched a movie called "Almost Famous". It is a great movie. It gets my thumbs up.
Take care. Thanks for listening. It helps to put these things, as whacky as they may be, on paper... or should I say electrons.
hangtenvetter
07-27-2003, 01:00 AM
I just heard a quotable quote. "It's perverse. We spend years cultivating the mind. Learning and learning. And then, in the end, all we want to do is shut it off."