mommieof2girls
07-10-2003, 01:39 AM
Hi, I've posted a few times here and I'm still confused about
myself. I'm wondering if i'm an evil person and mom. I'll try and
sum up my story as best I can. Here it goes:
First of all, I have never seen a doc about these thoughts, I am on
zoloft but only because I told the urgent care docs that I was having
panic attacks. Ok, well I have been having "bad thougths" I have
thoughts of hurting my kids in some way like, choking, drowning
during bathtime and stabbing. I've read books about ocd and have
done some of the things in there to help because it was really hard
for me to function when all these thoughts started. I am doing much
better since being on zoloft but I still get thoughts of " do i love
my kids" , "do i care for them" I feel so awful just typing those
words. See, before the thoughts came i was really depressed and so
stressed out of being a mommy, my mother in law even gave a name for
what i was feeling, she said I was "parent tired". At times I wanted
to run away and not take care of them anymore. Like when they would
argue and fight in the car I would do the usual, stop fighting or
whatever and i would feel as if i was so defeated that i couldn't
control anything. I would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach
that went down through my legs kind of like being really scared.
Then the day after thanksgiving of last year, i had a bad thought. I
was saying prayers and asking god to help me protect my kids from
evil and I started to think how anyone could hurt children even
parents. When I thought that last thought about parents a thought
popped in of me choking my daughter. It scared me half to death, i
kept asking myself why on earth did i think that??? I just knew I
was evil and I was afraid that it was a thought that would come
true. I didn't even want to get angry at them because of the fear
that I would hurt them.
Since i've been on zoloft I have been much better and I'm able to
control things alot better now, but.....every now and then a thought
will pop up like I have no feelings, as if i'm numb. What is wrong
with me it gives me so much anxiety. Am i an evil mom??? Why does
my brain do that? Sometimes I just want to be away from doing all
the mommy things and just be by myself, and I feel so guilty for
thinking that. Sometimes I'll be talking about my kids at work like
how they didnt' behave or I just can't wait til school starts again
and I realize that I hardly say anything nice about being a mom.
What is wrong with me. As I'm writing this I just feel so awful and
I feel sick to my stomach, the scared feelings again. I just feel
that if I don't care for them then maybe I will someday snap and hurt
them because I have no feelings. It makes me doubt who I am, I've
always been a caring person so how on earth can I think things like
that about my own kids. God, I would be lost without them, see even
as I just typed that a quick thought went through my head asking "
would I be lost without them?" WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! THAT CAN'T
BE NORMAL FOR A MOM TO SAY!!!! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT, I'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU ALL THINK I'M A
PSYCHOPATH!!!!
THANKS,
SUZIE
PS. SORRY IT'S SOOOOO LONG!!!!
myself. I'm wondering if i'm an evil person and mom. I'll try and
sum up my story as best I can. Here it goes:
First of all, I have never seen a doc about these thoughts, I am on
zoloft but only because I told the urgent care docs that I was having
panic attacks. Ok, well I have been having "bad thougths" I have
thoughts of hurting my kids in some way like, choking, drowning
during bathtime and stabbing. I've read books about ocd and have
done some of the things in there to help because it was really hard
for me to function when all these thoughts started. I am doing much
better since being on zoloft but I still get thoughts of " do i love
my kids" , "do i care for them" I feel so awful just typing those
words. See, before the thoughts came i was really depressed and so
stressed out of being a mommy, my mother in law even gave a name for
what i was feeling, she said I was "parent tired". At times I wanted
to run away and not take care of them anymore. Like when they would
argue and fight in the car I would do the usual, stop fighting or
whatever and i would feel as if i was so defeated that i couldn't
control anything. I would get this feeling in the pit of my stomach
that went down through my legs kind of like being really scared.
Then the day after thanksgiving of last year, i had a bad thought. I
was saying prayers and asking god to help me protect my kids from
evil and I started to think how anyone could hurt children even
parents. When I thought that last thought about parents a thought
popped in of me choking my daughter. It scared me half to death, i
kept asking myself why on earth did i think that??? I just knew I
was evil and I was afraid that it was a thought that would come
true. I didn't even want to get angry at them because of the fear
that I would hurt them.
Since i've been on zoloft I have been much better and I'm able to
control things alot better now, but.....every now and then a thought
will pop up like I have no feelings, as if i'm numb. What is wrong
with me it gives me so much anxiety. Am i an evil mom??? Why does
my brain do that? Sometimes I just want to be away from doing all
the mommy things and just be by myself, and I feel so guilty for
thinking that. Sometimes I'll be talking about my kids at work like
how they didnt' behave or I just can't wait til school starts again
and I realize that I hardly say anything nice about being a mom.
What is wrong with me. As I'm writing this I just feel so awful and
I feel sick to my stomach, the scared feelings again. I just feel
that if I don't care for them then maybe I will someday snap and hurt
them because I have no feelings. It makes me doubt who I am, I've
always been a caring person so how on earth can I think things like
that about my own kids. God, I would be lost without them, see even
as I just typed that a quick thought went through my head asking "
would I be lost without them?" WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!! THAT CAN'T
BE NORMAL FOR A MOM TO SAY!!!! PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND!!!
ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT, I'LL UNDERSTAND IF YOU ALL THINK I'M A
PSYCHOPATH!!!!
THANKS,
SUZIE
PS. SORRY IT'S SOOOOO LONG!!!!
Sponsor
Delphi373
07-10-2003, 12:06 PM
Hi Suzie,
You're not a psychopath and the thoughts you are having are very common for OCD. I seriously recommend you see a therapist who specializes in OCD and tell him/her everything you have mentioned here so that they can help you understand the nature of your thoughts and how to handle your OCD. You aren't evil, a bad mother, or any of those things. It's perfectly naturaly to feel frustrated and tired and exhausted while parenting, and I could go so far as to say that your repressed frustration is showing itself as obsessive thoughts about harming your children.
Just understand you're not alone, you're not crazy, nothing is wrong with you. I am glad the zoloft is helping, I would rec. also seeing a therapist again, to help you understand this better though. Also, you can check this board for similar stories...they are everywhere and very common. You're not alone! Take care! :)
You're not a psychopath and the thoughts you are having are very common for OCD. I seriously recommend you see a therapist who specializes in OCD and tell him/her everything you have mentioned here so that they can help you understand the nature of your thoughts and how to handle your OCD. You aren't evil, a bad mother, or any of those things. It's perfectly naturaly to feel frustrated and tired and exhausted while parenting, and I could go so far as to say that your repressed frustration is showing itself as obsessive thoughts about harming your children.
Just understand you're not alone, you're not crazy, nothing is wrong with you. I am glad the zoloft is helping, I would rec. also seeing a therapist again, to help you understand this better though. Also, you can check this board for similar stories...they are everywhere and very common. You're not alone! Take care! :)
darktimes
07-10-2003, 12:22 PM
Suzie,
I send you a big hug. I know how lonely, scared, and confused you are right now. I can tell from reading your story how much you truly love your children. If you didn't love them soooooo much the anxiety depression and all of the other icky feelings wouldn't be there after the bad thoughts. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. And the thoughts are just that - thoughts...they are not you. YOU are a child of God - and God needs you to fight this battle.
I would start by reading "Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer. It helped me tremendously to understand why bad thoughts happen to good people. I would also recommend that you see a professional that can design a plan of attack for you to help you fight you obsession. It was the biggest leap of faith that i took...and God helps those who trust in him.
Everyone who is posting on this website is in the same battle...Understand you are not alone...i send you my prayers and love...
Eric
I send you a big hug. I know how lonely, scared, and confused you are right now. I can tell from reading your story how much you truly love your children. If you didn't love them soooooo much the anxiety depression and all of the other icky feelings wouldn't be there after the bad thoughts. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. And the thoughts are just that - thoughts...they are not you. YOU are a child of God - and God needs you to fight this battle.
I would start by reading "Imp of the Mind" by Lee Baer. It helped me tremendously to understand why bad thoughts happen to good people. I would also recommend that you see a professional that can design a plan of attack for you to help you fight you obsession. It was the biggest leap of faith that i took...and God helps those who trust in him.
Everyone who is posting on this website is in the same battle...Understand you are not alone...i send you my prayers and love...
Eric
JjW1
07-10-2003, 02:00 PM
Hi Suzie,
you are a good person, and the thoughts are not your fault. don't give up, you will make it. I will pray for you.
you are a good person, and the thoughts are not your fault. don't give up, you will make it. I will pray for you.
mommieof2girls
07-11-2003, 07:05 PM
Hi and thanks for responding to my post. It really helps when I know I'm not the only one and also to be told that I'm not going crazy. I just hate it when I dwell on things, I've noticed throughout my life that I've always been a person who dwells on things. Is that a normal thing for people to do or is it the amount of dwelling on things? I've been told that some people had ocd tendencies before it came out completely and I guess I'm trying to think back and see if I've done some things too. I don't want to have ocd but yet, i'm afraid that if I don't then I am crazy, can anyone else relate to that??
Thanks again for all your kind words to me!!
Suzie
Thanks again for all your kind words to me!!
Suzie
lbohler
08-13-2003, 11:07 AM
i no just what you are going throw i am going throw the same thing and it is driving me crazy.my kids are my hole world and i would die befor i would hert them and i do not understand why i have these thoughts it makes me feel so sad i am scard that i will hert them and not no that i am doing it and that is so crazy i think that i should not be there mommy and that i should just leave them with there daddy and never come back i went to the doctor and got on effexor xr but i did not tell them about my thought cause i am scared that they will take my kids from me and i have not told my husband about them eather cause i am scared that he will take the kids from me i have never talked about this to anyone and could not beleave that i was not the only one out there i just wish that the bad thoughts would go away i am scared when i have them i love my kid i eat sleep and breath them and i dont no way i have bad thoughts i pray at night and ask that please not have them please dont let me hert my kids and me not noing what i am doing even tho i dont see how any one can hert a child this is the first time that i have ever takked about it and it herts me so much
curt34
08-13-2003, 12:26 PM
mommieof2girls,
Please step back and realize that these thoughts don't have anything to do with your love for your children. At one time or another a lot of us have the same thoughts. I used to have them toward my dogs when I was in college and I truly loved my dogs (I realize these feeling towards your kids are more daunting than my aforementioned pets). It scared the crap out of me too. You need to see someone to help you with your OCD. I just started and it's been wonderful. I will pray for you. Remember, whenever you have fearful or upsetting thoughts they are not from God. hang in there...you're seeking help and that's the first step in getting a handle on your problem.
Please step back and realize that these thoughts don't have anything to do with your love for your children. At one time or another a lot of us have the same thoughts. I used to have them toward my dogs when I was in college and I truly loved my dogs (I realize these feeling towards your kids are more daunting than my aforementioned pets). It scared the crap out of me too. You need to see someone to help you with your OCD. I just started and it's been wonderful. I will pray for you. Remember, whenever you have fearful or upsetting thoughts they are not from God. hang in there...you're seeking help and that's the first step in getting a handle on your problem.
lbohler
08-13-2003, 04:54 PM
I AM TO SCARED TO TELL ANY ONE ABOUT THIS I AM SCARED THAT THEY WILL NOT UNDERSTAND AND THINK THAT I WOULD REALLY HURT MY KIDS AND I AM VERY SCARED TO TELL MY HUSBAND I AM SCARED HE WILL LEAVE AND TAKE THE KIDS FROM ME I AM ALSO SCARED TO TELL THE DOCTOR CAUSE I AM SCARED HE WILLPUT ME IN A NUT HOUSE OR NOT LET ME BE WITH MY BOYS I TOLD THE DOCTOR THAT IT WAS STRESS AND DEPRESSION AND ANXITY HE ASKED ME IF I HAD THOUGTHS AND I SAID NO I AM JUST TO SCARED TO TELL ANYONE. WE I FOUNT THIS WEB SIGHT THIS MORING I FELT SOME RELEF THAT I WAS NOT THE ONLY ONE AND COULD TALK TO SOME ABOUT IT AND I THANK CAUSE OF THIS I FELT OK TODAY NOT WORRING ABOUT IT BUT AM STILL SCARED CAUSE I NO IT WILL HAPPEN AGAIN THANKS FOR THE RESPONDS IT REALLY MAKES ME ALITTLE BETTER JUST TO THAT I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE I GUESS I DO HAVE OCD I HAD NEVER HEARD OF IT TILL I STARTED READING YOU ALL STORIES