DAE
10-10-2003, 03:28 PM
my boyfriend has a problem and I have gone online to look for some info/advice on this type of relationship anxiety but havent really found anything...maybe some of you guys out there can relate. He is a pretty secure guy in almost all aspects. He is talented and gorgeous and has lots of friends. He by no means controling of me and is cool with me talking to other guys when we are out (w. the occasional playfully 'jealous' comment) not posessive or jealous to any excessive degree at all. But he has one major issue which comes up every once in a while and makes him very depressed and withdrawn sometimes for hours at a time - thinking about me having sex with ex boyfriends. I have had my share of exes before him but no more than most and not even as many as him! He knows it is illigical and feels embarassed and stupid about it but can’t control it once it starts. Sometimes I don’t even have to actually mention an ex (which I rarely do, so it's not because I talk alot about them), I can just talk about something that happened in the past that occured when I was dating someone else and that sets the wheels in motion - he is reminded that I have been with other people and he starts to get vivid pictures in his head about me having sex with another guy. We talk openly about it which is good but I really dont know what to do when he gets in one of these spells..I feel bad and nothing I say seems to help. Guys out there - if any of you have this problem, what is the best thing for a girlfriend to say or do to calm you down?
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PauloSRS
10-14-2003, 04:41 AM
I don't know if i'll be of any help but my experience tells me that you can help him a lot by just talking to him and telling him that you are only his love and that the past is just it...past. " In order to trully live you have to die to the past everyday... ", someone said that once. I trully agree... Another aproach to the problem ( kind of sneaky but what the hell in war and love everything is fair ) is to mention the Caos Theory :) , if you hadn't had all those ex and the past experiences you wouldn't be living that love today because everything you do makes the difference in the next second... So you lived that way...but it's that that permits the love you have today because if you would change anything in your past you would be changing yourself, your living and your future ( now it's yours present )...think about the future...it's yet to be written and you and your boyfriend are the ones with the pen in your hands ( " pen " although most writers use PC's :) ). The past is gone and unless you develop a time machine ( if you do please notify me ) just forget it, you can't change it. Today you can change everything, tomorrow doesn't exist...write it down with your boyfriend...
By the way...Portugal would be a perfect spot for a honey moon :) ... All the best for you and your boyfriend.
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Trust me it's paradise...
By the way...Portugal would be a perfect spot for a honey moon :) ... All the best for you and your boyfriend.
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Trust me it's paradise...
cyber_drifter
10-18-2003, 04:00 PM
Hi Dae,
I had the same problem three years ago, I am over it now but it did almost split us up.
What happened was that my partner and I had been living together for about six years. We loved each other, but were not in-love. Eventually though I did fall in-love with her and that is when the obsession started. I am not sure what was at the root of the problem but I guess it was the fear of being compared, or that the other guy’s where more well endowed than me. The only advice I can give you is to keep reassuring him that what happened before you met him meant nothing to you, and to keep giving him complements on his sexual performance. I eventually did recognised that what happened before I met my wife had nothing to do with me and not that important anyway.
Tom
I had the same problem three years ago, I am over it now but it did almost split us up.
What happened was that my partner and I had been living together for about six years. We loved each other, but were not in-love. Eventually though I did fall in-love with her and that is when the obsession started. I am not sure what was at the root of the problem but I guess it was the fear of being compared, or that the other guy’s where more well endowed than me. The only advice I can give you is to keep reassuring him that what happened before you met him meant nothing to you, and to keep giving him complements on his sexual performance. I eventually did recognised that what happened before I met my wife had nothing to do with me and not that important anyway.
Tom
NoonBlueApples
10-19-2003, 04:33 AM
Although this is really embarassing I can COMPLETELY relate to this issue as the one obbsessing about past people. I should probably mention that I have severe OCD, and that is where most of this stuff emulates from,...but in my past and currentexperiences I cannot stop thinking about who my partner has been with...In reality I know it is an abnormal pattern of thought, and I know my usual line of questioning "what did you do with him", or "did you do this" etc. is rude and ridiculous, but it will be all
I will think about until I ask the question...sometimes I don't even care, but for fear that the thought will stay with me forever, I have to ask them to purge it from my mind....If I don't it will be the only thing I think about constantly until I do.....If you don't have OCD. this may sound ridiculous, but for those that do=, one could probably relate to these things easily...don't get me wrong, I know it is not normal to obsess about peoples' prior experiencres, and I know it is a completely awkward line of questioning, but if I don't get confirmation, I my imagination will run wild, and my mind will fill with endless repeating thoughts...I hope this made sense, but I probab;y sound like a psycho....but (to reiterate) I conscuiously do not have a problem with prior experiences, but if I don't purge myself of the poisibilites I my mind will go into endles ridiculous images invented acts wanton hedonism on the paret of my partner.....I know it is not normal or right to think this way,but I cannot help the thoughts....although i am better than I used to be, and feeling like you might have had lesser experience than the other person and fears of inadequecy as a result proibably play into this........
I will think about until I ask the question...sometimes I don't even care, but for fear that the thought will stay with me forever, I have to ask them to purge it from my mind....If I don't it will be the only thing I think about constantly until I do.....If you don't have OCD. this may sound ridiculous, but for those that do=, one could probably relate to these things easily...don't get me wrong, I know it is not normal to obsess about peoples' prior experiencres, and I know it is a completely awkward line of questioning, but if I don't get confirmation, I my imagination will run wild, and my mind will fill with endless repeating thoughts...I hope this made sense, but I probab;y sound like a psycho....but (to reiterate) I conscuiously do not have a problem with prior experiences, but if I don't purge myself of the poisibilites I my mind will go into endles ridiculous images invented acts wanton hedonism on the paret of my partner.....I know it is not normal or right to think this way,but I cannot help the thoughts....although i am better than I used to be, and feeling like you might have had lesser experience than the other person and fears of inadequecy as a result proibably play into this........
XoThatGirlXoXo
10-21-2003, 07:15 AM
I have the same problem, except it is flipped. I cant seem to get over my boyfriends past. He is 26 and Im 20, so he has been with a lot more people than I have. He went through his stages where he slept around, etc. He has had a few serious girlfriends before me. I know he loves me and he is with me because he wants to be, but sometimes I cant help but think about him with other girls. I am learning to deal with it a lot better now though. Your boyfriend just needs to learn that everyone has a past, including him. You cant help what happened before he came along. Just be sure to reassure him that they mean nothing to you now. Give him lots of compliments and make sure he knows he is appreciated and wanted. He has 2 choices, either he eventually gets over it, or it will eventually ruin your relationship.
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
§ Mary §
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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
§ Mary §
Huntress
10-26-2003, 10:15 PM
I have gone through this and still am to a degree. It's like I get jealous of my boyfiends previous lovers. It upsets me and makes me feel cheated on. (Even though I know it's just life and everyone has a past.. especially me!) Interesting to see i'm not the only one though..