Beth Ann
08-13-2002, 09:45 AM
Hello, everyone. I am 34, and married with step children (2 girls, aged 8 & 12). I do not have any kids of my own, and do not plan on having any. I would like to hear from other women in my situation. I love my husband dearly, and knew it was a package deal. Don't get me wrong. I do not dislike children, I just never wanted any of my own. I love my nieces and nephews, and also my friends kids. But I do not have the same kind of love for my husband's kids. I feel extremely guilty about this, and I try so hard to love them and show them that I love them. We get them every other weekend and sometimes during the week. I become a different person when we have them. It's just hard becoming an "instant mom". Does anyone have any advice or opinions on this subject? I would love to hear from you. Thanks, Beth Ann p.s. I've been married a little over a year, and have been with my husband for 3 years.
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NeverWed
08-13-2002, 09:55 AM
Hi. MY situation is similar. But, I have 2 children of my own, and 2 teenage stepsons. We have been a unit for 7 years, and what you are feeling is perfectly natural. I have never bonded with the step kids. They have their own mom, and there was never the chance for a maternal bond to form with myself and them.
I think the best way to deal with the situation is through respect. Respect their position in your relationship, and they will respect yours. Remember that you share one very common thing....you all love the same man.
I think the best way to deal with the situation is through respect. Respect their position in your relationship, and they will respect yours. Remember that you share one very common thing....you all love the same man.
Beth Ann
08-15-2002, 10:45 AM
Thanks so much for the advice. It helps to know I'm not the only one who hasn't bonded with their step-children. I still feel guilty about it though.
hillarynotclinton
08-15-2002, 07:47 PM
Im married with a daughter, a new baby, and a stepson. I have not bonded with him at all. Part of it is because he is very difficult to be around. He is 5 with severe developmental delays. I cant even understand him when he talks. He also displays socially inappropriate behavior and can be quite mean and you just dont get much from him in the caring department. My role in his life is helping my hubby learn how to deal with him. We strongly suspect he is mentally retarded, but his mom hides him. It will be up to us to have him diagnosed, which with our insurance is expensive. He has never attended school, and his parents for the most part never took him in public much. My 5 year old daughter is advanced for her age and well-disciplined. The new baby seems to be doing great too. sometimes I feel like i made a mistake marrying someone with a child like this, but I truly lovemy husband, and will try to make this work.
Mushmelon
08-18-2002, 01:44 PM
OH PLEASE!!! I'm so glad someone finally addressed this issue. I've tried unsuccessfully before. My two are almost grown (19 and almost 18). They have cars and jobs, etc. They do still live at home but I never see them because they're hardly ever here. My kids are far from being angels but they don't smoke, drink, do drugs, they were both straight A students, bought their own cars...you get the picture. Now for his terrors: Girl, 14...boy, 9. I did not take the 'package deal' when I met him. His kids lived with their mother several states away. We saw them a couple of weeks in the summer and over Christmas vacation. Then all hell broke loose. The ex-wife got evicted and lost her job. Child Protective Services called us and told my husband that if he didn't come and get them they could take them into custody. Needless to say he went and got them. That was a year about 2 years ago. They have caused so many problems between us. They lie, steal, backtalk me, and he and I have so many fights and arguments because of them. Their 'mother' now lives in the same town as us and has been through 4 jobs and 2 homes in the last year. I now spend all of my time at work or in my room. I can't help it. I was almost done with kids! I feel like I've had 10 years added to my sentence when I was about to be paroled. I did get over the guilt thanks to a book I read (I wish I remembered the name). It said that what I feel is normal and I shouldn't feel guilty about not falling in love with his kids when I fell in love with him. How can you feel motherly towards someone when you don't want to? You aren't alone out there.
MzRed
08-30-2002, 06:41 PM
Ok my reply is VERY diffrent LOL. I am a gay female and I have a 7yr old daughter whom is aware of my sexual prefrence.My problem is I have been with this 21yr.old "child" so to say because she has been very sheltered and still goes to MOMMY on EVERYTHING. So for me it is frusturating because I have to deal with the two of them holding this grude on each other.The two of them do not get along they tolerate each other and that's it. Lately I have been thinking of breaking up with my girl because of this craziness, we often argue about it alot.My other relationships have accepted my daughter as their own and my daughter loved them as well.It's just I have been with my girl for 4yrs now and it's hard to shake the things we have accomplished off. I have also been somewhat cheating with an older woman 25 whom is INDEPENDENT and loves my daughter and wants to get to know her better, we have been having an affair for 1yr now and I love her too, the only thing is I think I love my girl more.......ANY ADVICE????
kama2080
08-31-2002, 10:44 AM
Hey ladies..
I'm going to mix things up a bit and give you a look from a different perspective. I'm a 21 yr old female that 'gained' a stepmother at the age of 9. My dad left my mom for this woman, and while I've gotten over that part, I've never been able to bond w/my stepmom. It's really hard to accept a woman when you feel like she's the reason you don't have your daddy anymore. Plus she makes no effort to hide the fact that her 3 daughters come first over me and my 2 sisters. She's civil, but it's obvious that she's being that way for my dad's sake not ours. So it maybe hard for you to deal w/ a 'ready-made' family, but you had a choice to enter the relationship, unlike the children, who just have to learn to deal. Just my opinion, I'm sorry if I've upset anyone, definitely not my intentions..
Kat :bouncing:
I'm going to mix things up a bit and give you a look from a different perspective. I'm a 21 yr old female that 'gained' a stepmother at the age of 9. My dad left my mom for this woman, and while I've gotten over that part, I've never been able to bond w/my stepmom. It's really hard to accept a woman when you feel like she's the reason you don't have your daddy anymore. Plus she makes no effort to hide the fact that her 3 daughters come first over me and my 2 sisters. She's civil, but it's obvious that she's being that way for my dad's sake not ours. So it maybe hard for you to deal w/ a 'ready-made' family, but you had a choice to enter the relationship, unlike the children, who just have to learn to deal. Just my opinion, I'm sorry if I've upset anyone, definitely not my intentions..
Kat :bouncing:
Mushmelon
08-31-2002, 01:54 PM
Kat...you didn't upset me at all. In fact, you gave me a different perspective. BUT...you do realize that it was your dad that left, right? This woman could not 'steal' your dad from your mom unless he wanted to go. The reason I address this issue is because my husband was still with his exwife when I came into the picture and I feel that this is part of the problem I have with the step-monsters. I'd be mad at the parent that left you, not the person that they are with now. Just my opinion...
Mushmelon
08-31-2002, 01:57 PM
Also...MzRed...How can you expect your child to accept this person? There must be a problem there somewhere if you're cheating. Kids are smarter than you think, especially 7 year olds. She may not know you're cheating but I'm sure she knows something is going on and because of this would show your partner less respect. Just my opinion....
kama2080
08-31-2002, 03:21 PM
Mushmelon..
I completely agree with you. My stepmom didn't twist my dad's arm to make him leave, but I was focusing on the stepmom part. Plus she's just as guilty as him, being as she was in the same position as my dad, and she gave up her 3 girls and husband just like he did. Fact is, if someone's married, the other person needs to wait until they've closed that chapter of their life before moving in for the kill.
Kat :bouncing:
I completely agree with you. My stepmom didn't twist my dad's arm to make him leave, but I was focusing on the stepmom part. Plus she's just as guilty as him, being as she was in the same position as my dad, and she gave up her 3 girls and husband just like he did. Fact is, if someone's married, the other person needs to wait until they've closed that chapter of their life before moving in for the kill.
Kat :bouncing:
MzRed
08-31-2002, 03:55 PM
Mushmelon,
I agree with you on that but even before I started cheating my daughter has had the same attitude about her from day 1. I have thought about that myself and although that might contribute a tad bit it is merely the reason. My girlfriend is Jealous of my daughter because she wishes I were all too just her and she has told me this,this occured in an argument and she point blank told me "you're right I wish I could have you all to myself" I left that night , yet she called me all night and finally that morning I answered and she begged me to come home...So here I am and she has NEVER said such a stupid thing since yet the two of them are not the Brady's I would say they are more like the Addam's..LOL
I agree with you on that but even before I started cheating my daughter has had the same attitude about her from day 1. I have thought about that myself and although that might contribute a tad bit it is merely the reason. My girlfriend is Jealous of my daughter because she wishes I were all too just her and she has told me this,this occured in an argument and she point blank told me "you're right I wish I could have you all to myself" I left that night , yet she called me all night and finally that morning I answered and she begged me to come home...So here I am and she has NEVER said such a stupid thing since yet the two of them are not the Brady's I would say they are more like the Addam's..LOL
Beth Ann
09-01-2002, 02:24 AM
Kama2080 (Kat), I know where you're coming from. Believe me. I have been in your shoes, too. When I was 9, I caught my dad kissing another woman....and I went home and told my mom about it. From there on, everything went to hell. It seems that my dad had been cheating on my mom for a long time, and not with just that one particular woman. To make a long story short, my dad did eventually leave my mom for "that woman". They got divorced, and my mom tried to get on with her life. But my dad kept acting like he still cared for her, and kept her hanging by a string. Even though I was little, I knew what was going on. Anyway, my little brother was in a car accident not long after the divorce (only got bruised up), and my mom and dad ended up getting back together-for the sake of us kids. This story is gonna be long, but I've got to make my point here. Both my mom and my dad lived the rest of their lives miserably, just for the sake of my brother and me. Do you know how guilty I feel, now that I understand? I know my dad never loved my mom the way she wanted and needed to be loved. I think she loved him, but a one-sided relationship is very hard. When I was a teen-ager, and knew a little bit more about love, I found several pictures of "that woman" (my dad's girlfriend) hidden in a storage building. I realized that he really loved her, and gave his happiness up for me. I know that when some dads stay in the relationship for the kids, that it is the right thing. But, not in my case. You see, I never saw any love between my mom and dad. No hugging. No kissing. No happiness. My dad never went on vacation with me, my mom, and my brother. He never went to any of our school events, not even our graduations. He wasn't really a father. He was just a man who lived in our house. Now, my brother and I are both "relationship-dysfunctional". We have been in and out of many relationships. We both seem to "have it all together", but not really. We've still got problems inside. Now, more of my story. Sorry this is so long. My dad got cancer when I was 22. I was getting ready to leave town and start a new life for myself. (I had gotten married at 18, and divorced at 19. I then got involved with a womanizer-just like my dad-and had just gotten out of the relationship when I was 22.) When I found out about my dad having cancer, I decided to stick around. It was only then that he started acting like a father to me. It was probably the first time I saw him kiss and hug my mom since I was probably 5 or 6. All those years, my mom had said she was going to leave him when my brother graduated from high school. That was the year he graduated. She didn't leave. My father died when I was 26. I only had 4 good years with him, and I am thankful for those years. But I do feel guilty that he missed out on his life. I do think it would have been hard for me to have a stepmom. I hated that woman, even though she was nice to me. I did blame her. Not my dad-even though now I know it takes two. There were times when I almost started to like her, but I felt like I was betraying my mom. It's really all kind of confusing, but I think everyone would have been better off if my mom and dad would have stayed divorced. Maybe they each could have spent the rest of their lives being with their true loves. Me and my brother would have been messed up either way, I think. But maybe not as bad. Does that make sense? Kids need to grow up in a loving household. I know that from experience.
kama2080
09-01-2002, 11:37 AM
Beth Ann..
I read you post, and I feel for you. I would have to agree w/you completely. I'm glad my parents divorced, because it allowed my mother to move on and find her true love (my stepfather) and become a happier person. But that still doesn't excuse my fathers or stepmothers behavior. It does bother me sometimes, not so much as I've gotten older, but to a 9 or 10 year old it's pretty hard to deal with.
I also agree w/ your statement on not wanting to bond w/your dad's gf because you felt like you were betraying your mom. I felt that way too, but my stepmom made and still makes (sometimes) it pretty easy to hate her. I appreciate your response..
Kat :bouncing:
[This message has been edited by kama2080 (edited 09-01-2002).]
I read you post, and I feel for you. I would have to agree w/you completely. I'm glad my parents divorced, because it allowed my mother to move on and find her true love (my stepfather) and become a happier person. But that still doesn't excuse my fathers or stepmothers behavior. It does bother me sometimes, not so much as I've gotten older, but to a 9 or 10 year old it's pretty hard to deal with.
I also agree w/ your statement on not wanting to bond w/your dad's gf because you felt like you were betraying your mom. I felt that way too, but my stepmom made and still makes (sometimes) it pretty easy to hate her. I appreciate your response..
Kat :bouncing:
[This message has been edited by kama2080 (edited 09-01-2002).]
A-me
03-08-2005, 04:49 AM
I need some advice. I am involved with a man who has a 6 year old son. He has joint custody and has his son two weeks a month. We are planning to get married on April 7th. April 7th is on a Thursday which would make it perfect for us to take a long four day weekend to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. Problem is, he has his son those days and has suggested we wait till he doesn't have his son. I want to get married on that day and do not want to have to pick another day just so that it will be when he does not have his son. He could easily ask the child's mother to keep him those days. My question is, should I be upset about this? Do I have the right to be upset about this? I am upset about this but not sure if I should say anything. I feel he puts his son before everything else and this is kinda bothersome to me. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.
A-me
03-08-2005, 04:56 AM
I need some advice. I am involved with a man who has a 6 year old son. He has joint custody and has his son two weeks a month. We are planning to get married on April 7th. April 7th is on a Thursday which would make it perfect for us to take a long four day weekend to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. Problem is, he has his son those days and has suggested we wait till he doesn't have his son. I want to get married on that day and do not want to have to pick another day just so that it will be when he does not have his son. He could easily ask the child's mother to keep him those days. My question is, should I be upset about this? Do I have the right to be upset about this? I am upset about this but not sure if I should say anything. I feel he puts his son before everything else and this is kinda bothersome to me. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.
Hangin in There
03-08-2005, 07:30 AM
I see no reason why his mother shouldn't keep him for you that weekend. You're not going to get married every week.
ana_27
03-08-2005, 10:40 AM
I'm living with a man who has a 9 year old daughter. There have been times in the past and occasionally in the present as well where I wish I had him to myself. At the same time, she brings a different dynamic to the relationship that enables me to see what type of father he will be to my children. It also gives us the opportunity to do things that we normally may not do if she wasn't around. We have her every other weekend and that's working out ok but I do have that fear of what our life would be like if she ever has to come and live with us full time. (Her mom's a floozy.)
My two biggest issues are not being able to attend adult events on the weekends he has her and scheduling "family" vacations when really all I want is to just be with him alone, relaxing. When a nine year old is around, there is really very little down time. I work very hard at my job and have only three weeks vacation a year. I want every one of those days to be as relaxing and fun as possible and there's a part of me that resents having to sacrifice my vacation doing things I may not necessarily want to do. Every time we make plans we have to make sure she'll have fun, that she won't be bored or that she will have a friend with her, etc. Most of the things I like doing are not exactly fun for kids. However... c'est la vie. We make the decision to accept these men for who they are and understand that it's a package deal. Sometimes we may resent that but we shouldn't feel guilty about it ladies. Luckily I've managed to bond with my future step daughter and she really likes me back which helps a lot. If she hated me or resented me for "stealing" her dad, we would have some major issues and I don't think I could stay in the relationship. I'm also very lucky that her parents were split up years and years ago so she has known all along that there's no chance of reconcilliation.
There was some problems in the beginning but I've found that if I just let him BE the parent and not try to step into that role and just be more of a friend, it's easier on everyone and it's helped my relationship with his daughter a lot.
My two biggest issues are not being able to attend adult events on the weekends he has her and scheduling "family" vacations when really all I want is to just be with him alone, relaxing. When a nine year old is around, there is really very little down time. I work very hard at my job and have only three weeks vacation a year. I want every one of those days to be as relaxing and fun as possible and there's a part of me that resents having to sacrifice my vacation doing things I may not necessarily want to do. Every time we make plans we have to make sure she'll have fun, that she won't be bored or that she will have a friend with her, etc. Most of the things I like doing are not exactly fun for kids. However... c'est la vie. We make the decision to accept these men for who they are and understand that it's a package deal. Sometimes we may resent that but we shouldn't feel guilty about it ladies. Luckily I've managed to bond with my future step daughter and she really likes me back which helps a lot. If she hated me or resented me for "stealing" her dad, we would have some major issues and I don't think I could stay in the relationship. I'm also very lucky that her parents were split up years and years ago so she has known all along that there's no chance of reconcilliation.
There was some problems in the beginning but I've found that if I just let him BE the parent and not try to step into that role and just be more of a friend, it's easier on everyone and it's helped my relationship with his daughter a lot.
misery
03-08-2005, 11:27 AM
Hi All,I just popped in and thought I would throw in my 2cts.
My hubby and I have been married for almost 13 yrs.We both started with kids.I had 1 and he had 2.We went on to have 3more.All girls!
You should really look at what you are doing,b/c kids are a life long commitment,no matter what.You are now a part of there life at it is not easy.There will always be struggles and sacrifes.And kids of divorce no matter how long there parents have been divorced always seceretly hope that there parents will get back together.
Ana27,You need to be careful b/c if you resent his kids they will sense this,kids are not stupid.I'm not trying to upset you I just want you to know that they pick up on all that little stuff.I'm so happy that your stepdaughter likes you that makes it so much easier and I do hope that it never changes.
As for vacations and time off.It may not be what you want but you can truly have a blast with kids and for the private time there is nothing wrong with having a sitter,or waiting until she's not around to have this time.
For your wedding has he talked with his ex about trading weekends?Or have you talked with her.Not always but sometimes it's great to make arrangements with the ex,b/c then she knows you care about her child.For us this worked for awhile,even though my hubby was married to physco women from H...! I'm sure you get the point.
I wish you all the best in your upcoming marrige,and remeber hang in there.If you love him and he loves you things will always work out.Just remember kids are for life they can't be pushed aside.
Congrats.Misery
My hubby and I have been married for almost 13 yrs.We both started with kids.I had 1 and he had 2.We went on to have 3more.All girls!
You should really look at what you are doing,b/c kids are a life long commitment,no matter what.You are now a part of there life at it is not easy.There will always be struggles and sacrifes.And kids of divorce no matter how long there parents have been divorced always seceretly hope that there parents will get back together.
Ana27,You need to be careful b/c if you resent his kids they will sense this,kids are not stupid.I'm not trying to upset you I just want you to know that they pick up on all that little stuff.I'm so happy that your stepdaughter likes you that makes it so much easier and I do hope that it never changes.
As for vacations and time off.It may not be what you want but you can truly have a blast with kids and for the private time there is nothing wrong with having a sitter,or waiting until she's not around to have this time.
For your wedding has he talked with his ex about trading weekends?Or have you talked with her.Not always but sometimes it's great to make arrangements with the ex,b/c then she knows you care about her child.For us this worked for awhile,even though my hubby was married to physco women from H...! I'm sure you get the point.
I wish you all the best in your upcoming marrige,and remeber hang in there.If you love him and he loves you things will always work out.Just remember kids are for life they can't be pushed aside.
Congrats.Misery
ana_27
03-08-2005, 11:48 AM
Misery, I appreciate where you're coming from but please understand that I don't resent her (he only has the one child) but I sometimes resent some of the situations that arise. I would never externalize that in a way that would allow her to pick up on it. My boyfriend knows some of this stuff and is very patient and understanding. He realizes that not all women make instant, perfect step-moms and that every day is a learning experience. We offer her as much of a normal home environment as we can. She has never known her parents to be together. They had her in highschool and were together for about a year. Ever since then, her mom has gone from one man to another while he has only introduced her to two women. I give her and him a lot of myself and sometimes a little selfishness and wistfulness comes to the surface. I'm only human.
lisa24
03-08-2005, 01:30 PM
I need some advice. I am involved with a man who has a 6 year old son. He has joint custody and has his son two weeks a month. We are planning to get married on April 7th. April 7th is on a Thursday which would make it perfect for us to take a long four day weekend to celebrate and enjoy ourselves. Problem is, he has his son those days and has suggested we wait till he doesn't have his son. I want to get married on that day and do not want to have to pick another day just so that it will be when he does not have his son. He could easily ask the child's mother to keep him those days. My question is, should I be upset about this? Do I have the right to be upset about this? I am upset about this but not sure if I should say anything. I feel he puts his son before everything else and this is kinda bothersome to me. Please let me know what you think. Thanks.
I don't think you should be upset about it. And I personally believe a person SHOULD put their child before anything else. What are the particulars of this wedding? Would it be THAT much of a problem to wait until he doesn't have his son?
Why don't we ever tell a mother to put her child before her man, but we expect a man to put his gf before the child?
Every choice in life involves sacrificing one thing for another. It's up to you whether you wish to be the bigger person about it, or if you'd rather spend your life being resentful of an innocent child.
I don't think you should be upset about it. And I personally believe a person SHOULD put their child before anything else. What are the particulars of this wedding? Would it be THAT much of a problem to wait until he doesn't have his son?
Why don't we ever tell a mother to put her child before her man, but we expect a man to put his gf before the child?
Every choice in life involves sacrificing one thing for another. It's up to you whether you wish to be the bigger person about it, or if you'd rather spend your life being resentful of an innocent child.
goody2shuz
03-08-2005, 01:38 PM
Saw this post earlier and had one thing to share with all.....as Lisa so perfectly pointed out, the children come first. I am an advocate of children and the future, and with so many divorces and people giving up on marriages....the one's who seem to suffer the most are the children. They are the creation of two people who loved each other and if that love has changed in a way thus leading to divorce...why should they be left to suffer??? When a man divorces his wife his first family will always come first....because that is the right way if should be. A good father or mother should always put their children first and let's face it...would you even want a lesser person in your life??? So....when you meet a man or a woman with a child you must realize that they are a package deal and if you cannot accept it as so, perhaps you should reevaluate the situation.....Goody :angel:
ana_27
03-08-2005, 03:17 PM
Give me a break! No one is arguing that children should be every parent's priority but I'm sick and tired of step moms getting chewed out on this board. Would it really hurt the child if the wedding is on that weekend and this once, on this momentous occasion the schedule is changed??? I think not. Let's not be so extreme here that we can't allow this woman one day where she comes first. Her wedding day.
misery
03-08-2005, 04:26 PM
I don't think I phrased things right.I'm not jumping you or any one eles.I'm a stepmom myself and my hubby's kids are monsters.No matter what we have done as far as they are or there mom is concerned has been right.I guess I just wanted you to step back and make sure this is what you really want.And when the answer is still yes go for it.It is just hard no matter what.And there isn't any reason for his ex not to keep there daughter for that weekend.Make a trade,maybe she(ex)has something going on where it would be easier if her duaghter wasn't there.
Please don't think I was jumping down your throat,this was not my intention at all.Ihave 13 yrs of being a step parent behind me.I have been through decent times as well as awful awful.There is absolutely nothing wrong with a few selfish thoughts,god knows I've had them.Honestly you should be praised for having the courage to admitt it out loud.Anyone saying they haven't had these thoughts would be lying.I'm sorry for the confusion of my post.I really do congradulate you on your upcoming wedding!!! Misery
Please don't think I was jumping down your throat,this was not my intention at all.Ihave 13 yrs of being a step parent behind me.I have been through decent times as well as awful awful.There is absolutely nothing wrong with a few selfish thoughts,god knows I've had them.Honestly you should be praised for having the courage to admitt it out loud.Anyone saying they haven't had these thoughts would be lying.I'm sorry for the confusion of my post.I really do congradulate you on your upcoming wedding!!! Misery
SophiaM
03-08-2005, 09:22 PM
Give me a break! No one is arguing that children should be every parent's priority but I'm sick and tired of step moms getting chewed out on this board. Would it really hurt the child if the wedding is on that weekend and this once, on this momentous occasion the schedule is changed??? I think not. Let's not be so extreme here that we can't allow this woman one day where she comes first. Her wedding day.
Yes, I happen to agree with Ana here. I mean, it seems like he has the child regularly for two weeks out of the month. THey already scheduled the wedding on April 7. I don't think it would devastate the kid to not be around for that ONE day. What's the big deal about it? Children are not that fragile. It would be different if the father completely neglected his child, but it's not the case here obviously. But if the ex-wife won't agree, why not just bring the child to the wedding? I think it would be a lot of fun for him/her, depending on the age, of course.
Yes, I happen to agree with Ana here. I mean, it seems like he has the child regularly for two weeks out of the month. THey already scheduled the wedding on April 7. I don't think it would devastate the kid to not be around for that ONE day. What's the big deal about it? Children are not that fragile. It would be different if the father completely neglected his child, but it's not the case here obviously. But if the ex-wife won't agree, why not just bring the child to the wedding? I think it would be a lot of fun for him/her, depending on the age, of course.
A-me
03-09-2005, 12:48 AM
WOW......I really appreciate everyone giving me their views.
I understand completely about children coming first. But children should also know thier place and that is as the child. I feel like the father allows the son to control the situations, and this is my main problem. Yes, children come first, but I will not allow a CHILD, not even my own, to make my decisions for me and control my life. I am the ADULT, not them. I understand that decisions we make can affect a child, but we are talking about a marriage, not a divorce.
Someone made the comment about changing my wedding day. This is not a doctor's appointment that can be easily rescheduled. I am not sending this child off to boarding school. He will be with his own MOTHER. I do not feel that is something that is going to traumatize and devestate the child for the rest of his life. This is MY day......sorry for being selfish with it but I don't go out and get married everyday. Thanx ana_27.
Someone also made the comment that children are a lifetime commitment. What the hell is marriage then? A temporary commitment?
I understand completely about children coming first. But children should also know thier place and that is as the child. I feel like the father allows the son to control the situations, and this is my main problem. Yes, children come first, but I will not allow a CHILD, not even my own, to make my decisions for me and control my life. I am the ADULT, not them. I understand that decisions we make can affect a child, but we are talking about a marriage, not a divorce.
Someone made the comment about changing my wedding day. This is not a doctor's appointment that can be easily rescheduled. I am not sending this child off to boarding school. He will be with his own MOTHER. I do not feel that is something that is going to traumatize and devestate the child for the rest of his life. This is MY day......sorry for being selfish with it but I don't go out and get married everyday. Thanx ana_27.
Someone also made the comment that children are a lifetime commitment. What the hell is marriage then? A temporary commitment?
lisa24
03-09-2005, 11:35 AM
As far as the comment children SHOULD come first, I simply responded to the last line of your post.
I feel he puts his son before everything else and this is kinda bothersome to me.
As for the date of the wedding, well I asked what are the particulars? Did you already sink thousands of $ into this day that you will be losing if you change the date? Did you both previously agree to this date and now he's suddenly going back last minute and changing plans? Or did you pick the day that is 'perfect for you' and just expect him to agree to it? He has his child twice a month, you knew that going into it, so you knew there would be some working around particular dates, did you take this into consideration when planning the date? Or again, did you just pick the 'perfect date for you'.
I only responded based on what I read. And what I read was "I want to get married on that day and do not want to have to pick another day just so that it will be when he does not have his son"
I didn't read anything that explained all the problems this will cause for Everyone involved.
Look, I have no personal interest here, so I don't care if you compromise or not. BUT there's already conflict regarding having the wedding on this weekend. You can fight for your way, leaving him unhappy on YOUR wedding day. Give him his way, leaving you unhappy on your wedding day, OR you could sit down together and Compromise on a new wedding date, Neither of these days, and work this out TOGETHER so you can BOTh be happy.
Just a suggestion.
I feel he puts his son before everything else and this is kinda bothersome to me.
As for the date of the wedding, well I asked what are the particulars? Did you already sink thousands of $ into this day that you will be losing if you change the date? Did you both previously agree to this date and now he's suddenly going back last minute and changing plans? Or did you pick the day that is 'perfect for you' and just expect him to agree to it? He has his child twice a month, you knew that going into it, so you knew there would be some working around particular dates, did you take this into consideration when planning the date? Or again, did you just pick the 'perfect date for you'.
I only responded based on what I read. And what I read was "I want to get married on that day and do not want to have to pick another day just so that it will be when he does not have his son"
I didn't read anything that explained all the problems this will cause for Everyone involved.
Look, I have no personal interest here, so I don't care if you compromise or not. BUT there's already conflict regarding having the wedding on this weekend. You can fight for your way, leaving him unhappy on YOUR wedding day. Give him his way, leaving you unhappy on your wedding day, OR you could sit down together and Compromise on a new wedding date, Neither of these days, and work this out TOGETHER so you can BOTh be happy.
Just a suggestion.
GirlHarley
03-09-2005, 09:27 PM
I would like to offer my life’s experience as well as situation.
I’m a 42 yr old woman.
My father :angel: died when I was turning 8. He left my 28 yr old mother with 6 children. 6 months after the death of my father, my mother introduces us to HER BOYFRIEND. Her boyfriend (who has no children) moves in with us and we are to call him Dad…The bleep bleep man doesn’t want to MARRY my mother because she has children – but he lives with us for freaking 10 years…
OK, then mother finds a man who will marry her with her 5 teenage children (one of my brothers died shortly after my father :angel: ) we move 400 miles away from our LIVES so mother can marry this man and again she asks us to call him DAD – Neither one of these MEN were father figures nor did they care to be. But, I had to respect them, be nice to them, and call them a name they did not deserve. I hated it then and I continue to hate it now….. :eek:
OK, fast forward to my life, I marry, become a mom and get a divorce.
ONE thing my ex-husband asks of me is if I date someone to PLEASE be it a nice guy who will treat our son well….Well ladies, I dated some nice guys, dated some real losers, and had two guys dump me because I had a son….OH, and there were HONEST guys who just didn’t want to Date a divorced single mother….MY SON always came first!
I was NEVER going to be like my mother, because I knew of the PAIN it caused me. NO MAN will ever become between me and my son – He is the MOST important thing in my life.
I also had an “attitude” towards men :rolleyes: – SO, if they don’t want a divorced single mother then “I” don't want someone else’s kids either.
Ha ha – :p Sure enough – I go and fall in love with a man who has not 1 child…. but 3! The oldest doesn’t like me but it’s not because of anything that I have done, she has issues with her father (for good reasons).
I accept it and don’t force myself on her or try anything to damage any further the relationship she has with her father – I stay out of it.
The other two children :) – I get along Great With, I could not ask for Better Step Children, I treat them as I treat my son. I’m a screaming mother so they have seen how strict I am with my son, but they also see how loving I am with him – I love those children as if they were MINE.
Lastly, I could NEVER imagine not having my son or step children at my wedding, as you can see, I’m engaged (3 years) but I do call them my step children. They don’t call me mom nor would I EVER Ever expect them to or have them….The middle child is a girl and we are great friends and I asked her not to think of me as a step mom but as an Aunt – she knows how I treat my nieces as my own daughters as well – with advice, shopping trips, dinner and movies, and wonderful talks about life..I don’t speak badly about their mother even though my thoughts of her are as a physco ex wife.
hey don’t need to KNOW that or SEE any negative from me (they will soon find out on their own if not already) about their mother…
Being a Parent or Step Parent is the hardest in the world, it is NOT the children’s Fault they have different adults raising them –
What is important is LOVE, Attention, Direction, Discipline, and showing THEM you are not the enemy. :angel:
Sorry so long, I just had to get this out….
I’m a 42 yr old woman.
My father :angel: died when I was turning 8. He left my 28 yr old mother with 6 children. 6 months after the death of my father, my mother introduces us to HER BOYFRIEND. Her boyfriend (who has no children) moves in with us and we are to call him Dad…The bleep bleep man doesn’t want to MARRY my mother because she has children – but he lives with us for freaking 10 years…
OK, then mother finds a man who will marry her with her 5 teenage children (one of my brothers died shortly after my father :angel: ) we move 400 miles away from our LIVES so mother can marry this man and again she asks us to call him DAD – Neither one of these MEN were father figures nor did they care to be. But, I had to respect them, be nice to them, and call them a name they did not deserve. I hated it then and I continue to hate it now….. :eek:
OK, fast forward to my life, I marry, become a mom and get a divorce.
ONE thing my ex-husband asks of me is if I date someone to PLEASE be it a nice guy who will treat our son well….Well ladies, I dated some nice guys, dated some real losers, and had two guys dump me because I had a son….OH, and there were HONEST guys who just didn’t want to Date a divorced single mother….MY SON always came first!
I was NEVER going to be like my mother, because I knew of the PAIN it caused me. NO MAN will ever become between me and my son – He is the MOST important thing in my life.
I also had an “attitude” towards men :rolleyes: – SO, if they don’t want a divorced single mother then “I” don't want someone else’s kids either.
Ha ha – :p Sure enough – I go and fall in love with a man who has not 1 child…. but 3! The oldest doesn’t like me but it’s not because of anything that I have done, she has issues with her father (for good reasons).
I accept it and don’t force myself on her or try anything to damage any further the relationship she has with her father – I stay out of it.
The other two children :) – I get along Great With, I could not ask for Better Step Children, I treat them as I treat my son. I’m a screaming mother so they have seen how strict I am with my son, but they also see how loving I am with him – I love those children as if they were MINE.
Lastly, I could NEVER imagine not having my son or step children at my wedding, as you can see, I’m engaged (3 years) but I do call them my step children. They don’t call me mom nor would I EVER Ever expect them to or have them….The middle child is a girl and we are great friends and I asked her not to think of me as a step mom but as an Aunt – she knows how I treat my nieces as my own daughters as well – with advice, shopping trips, dinner and movies, and wonderful talks about life..I don’t speak badly about their mother even though my thoughts of her are as a physco ex wife.
hey don’t need to KNOW that or SEE any negative from me (they will soon find out on their own if not already) about their mother…
Being a Parent or Step Parent is the hardest in the world, it is NOT the children’s Fault they have different adults raising them –
What is important is LOVE, Attention, Direction, Discipline, and showing THEM you are not the enemy. :angel:
Sorry so long, I just had to get this out….
Snails
03-09-2005, 11:59 PM
Great post Girl Harley--I completely agree with all your insightful advice. My mom and dad divorced when I was young, and I feel that I got extremely lucky as far as stepparents go. My dad left my mom for a very nice, patient woman and has now been with her for more than 20 years--they never got married, and I was never pressured to think of her as my mom or as a replacement for my mom. Instead, she's been the sort of "aunt" figure you describe, and in addition to how happy she makes me dad, I feel very blessed to have had her as a consistent presence all throughout my life. My dad also made an effort to always live near my mom, with whom I lived, so he could see me regularly and be an active, involved (albeit divorced father). I am grateful to both my parents for making such an effort to both be involved in my lives, which required them to be much nicer to each other than they probably would have liked. As for my mom, she always put me way in front of any potential boyfriends...she did have some relationships over the year, but there was never any doubt that I was, and always would be, the most important person in her life. She would never have dated, let alone married, someone I didn't welcome wholeheartedly into our lives. I can't even express how much I appreciate her sacrificing her personal life to some degree in order to make me feel secure, important, and unconditionally adored. Unfortunately, this is a very difficult compromise that not all divorced/single parents are willing to make, but the best parents love their children enough to prioritize their happiness above the parents' own--this takes a very special kind of unselfishness that only the best parents (with the luckiest children :angel:) possess. I'd say that if the original poster has found a guy who loves his son enough to make him his #1 priority in life, she will be marrying a wonderful, admirable man.
A-me
03-10-2005, 03:05 AM
I agree with putting a child first to an extent. But if he put's the child before me then our relationship will likely suffer. If he puts me before his son then their relationship will suffer. There needs to be balance and I am not seeing that. I feel like he let's his child run the show. I could go on and on but my date has already been changed once. I wanted to get married on March 7th but my Grandmother died and I had to leave town. I want to get married on April 7th because it falls between my father's birthday and my Grandmother's birthday who died. SO excuse me for not wanting to change it again. I had decided originally on March 7th for other inportant senimental reasons but that didn't work out due to a death in the family. This is an inportant day for me as it should be for him aswell. We are not having a "wedding" so that it why it is even more inportant to me to get married on a day that I feel is special to me. That's right ME!! All this talk about it makes me not even want to get married so thank you ladies sooo much for giving me all this stuff to think about. Marriage just ends in divorce, obviously, and causes to many problems.
Hangin in There
03-10-2005, 07:22 AM
I like that my boyfriend of three years (and my last one) had no children. At least that's ONE issue we don't have to deal with. I commend people who say they love their stepchildren as their own....I couldn't do it! Sure, I would treat them nice, feed them, drive them around, etc....but MY son would always be first to me. That's a mother's instinct to me, I believe. I could not love anybody's kids as much as my own.
GirlHarley
03-10-2005, 09:04 AM
SNAILS – great post and wonderful to see/hear that a young child survived the divorce parent/step parent turned you into the wonderful adult you are today. :angel:
My hope; is my son will appreciate all that his father and I have done for him, making this child of divorce into a positive one that he will be a Happy Adult with no resentment but tell a story such as yours. :)
A-ME – You are not selfish, you are an honest human woman. :cool:
I agree wholeheartly with you not to allow the “child” run the show.
That is not good for you, his father and for the sake of the child.
You’re also correct; there should be a Balance for time for you and your boyfriend. Then you need to communicate that with him that. Let him know
YES, his child should be his first priority but he now has YOU too and he needs to find a balance –
Men are not as good at this then woman are – Trust ME… :rolleyes:
My boyfriend “tried” to force his children on me, he wanted to make me happy Before his children, he actually said something once to his children about keeping the noise level down while I was sick and napping when his children were visiting - While his intentions were meant to be good – You see, he comes from a Large (12 kids) Loving Family so he had no clue of divorce….It was ME who told HIM….Never to force his children on me or to shh them when I was napping (they were not that loud) I told him how I felt as a child and what it did to me, my mother chose MEN over being a mother and shoved me aside like a burden…I was not going to allow that for my son or his children.
I’m sorry if I missed a post if you answered this question, but what is the big deal to switch weekends with the boys mother? Is it your boyfriend or the boy’s mother who is not co-operating? If the boy is running the show in his father’s life and your relationship and yes, it’s important to tell your boyfriend that is wrong. The boy needs discipline and will not only LOVE his dad more but respect him and appreciate it ever more…Again, trust me – cause I’m the ‘mean” parent while my ex-husband is the “fun” parent…but we Still balance HIM (son) in our relationship.
HANGING IN THERE – I too felt like you. I didn’t think I could ever love someone else’s children. You hear all these horror stories about step kids – I was scared as can be getting involved with a man with 3 children – I got SO LUCKY….(about time) they are great kids – hey of course my son will still come first no matter what, but again it’s called that Balancing Act and making Everyone feel Special. My son is best friends with his 15 yr old stepsister – and loves being an older brother to the 11 yr old. :cool:
I could never tolerate bratty children – my own as well as someone else’s – My son “can” be a spoiled brat – :nono:
I tell him to knock it off, he’s loved and knows he’s a priority no need for snotty bratty attitudes or behavior…He also knows my childhood upbringing and how it effected me. :cool:
My hope; is my son will appreciate all that his father and I have done for him, making this child of divorce into a positive one that he will be a Happy Adult with no resentment but tell a story such as yours. :)
A-ME – You are not selfish, you are an honest human woman. :cool:
I agree wholeheartly with you not to allow the “child” run the show.
That is not good for you, his father and for the sake of the child.
You’re also correct; there should be a Balance for time for you and your boyfriend. Then you need to communicate that with him that. Let him know
YES, his child should be his first priority but he now has YOU too and he needs to find a balance –
Men are not as good at this then woman are – Trust ME… :rolleyes:
My boyfriend “tried” to force his children on me, he wanted to make me happy Before his children, he actually said something once to his children about keeping the noise level down while I was sick and napping when his children were visiting - While his intentions were meant to be good – You see, he comes from a Large (12 kids) Loving Family so he had no clue of divorce….It was ME who told HIM….Never to force his children on me or to shh them when I was napping (they were not that loud) I told him how I felt as a child and what it did to me, my mother chose MEN over being a mother and shoved me aside like a burden…I was not going to allow that for my son or his children.
I’m sorry if I missed a post if you answered this question, but what is the big deal to switch weekends with the boys mother? Is it your boyfriend or the boy’s mother who is not co-operating? If the boy is running the show in his father’s life and your relationship and yes, it’s important to tell your boyfriend that is wrong. The boy needs discipline and will not only LOVE his dad more but respect him and appreciate it ever more…Again, trust me – cause I’m the ‘mean” parent while my ex-husband is the “fun” parent…but we Still balance HIM (son) in our relationship.
HANGING IN THERE – I too felt like you. I didn’t think I could ever love someone else’s children. You hear all these horror stories about step kids – I was scared as can be getting involved with a man with 3 children – I got SO LUCKY….(about time) they are great kids – hey of course my son will still come first no matter what, but again it’s called that Balancing Act and making Everyone feel Special. My son is best friends with his 15 yr old stepsister – and loves being an older brother to the 11 yr old. :cool:
I could never tolerate bratty children – my own as well as someone else’s – My son “can” be a spoiled brat – :nono:
I tell him to knock it off, he’s loved and knows he’s a priority no need for snotty bratty attitudes or behavior…He also knows my childhood upbringing and how it effected me. :cool:
A-me
03-10-2005, 06:02 PM
Can anyone recommend a good book for step parents? I really do care about doing the right thing.
GirlHarley
03-10-2005, 07:09 PM
Can anyone recommend a good book for step parents? I really do care about doing the right thing.
Good For You A-ME :)
You're heading in the right direction...Their are tons of parenting books at Barnes and Noble as well as step parenting. I don't remember which one I purchased, it's been so long but it was very helpful...I even picked up a book for my boyfriend which was for divorce parents since he didn't know anything about divorce or being a single parent. (He was married for 15 or 16 years)
Good Luck A-ME - let us know about your wedding plans, I hope it turns out the way you want it to.
Be Happy! :cool:
Good For You A-ME :)
You're heading in the right direction...Their are tons of parenting books at Barnes and Noble as well as step parenting. I don't remember which one I purchased, it's been so long but it was very helpful...I even picked up a book for my boyfriend which was for divorce parents since he didn't know anything about divorce or being a single parent. (He was married for 15 or 16 years)
Good Luck A-ME - let us know about your wedding plans, I hope it turns out the way you want it to.
Be Happy! :cool:
goody2shuz
03-10-2005, 07:29 PM
I'm not sure....but Dr. Phil has a fairly new book called "Family First" and I believe it does have a section on Step-parenting.
Just to clarify my earlier post on how the children should come first from first marriages. I just wanted to let you know that I have personal experience from having a brother who has been remarried twice and has three different families that he melds together. I know that my niece from his first marriage cherishes every moment she has with her dad as do my neices & nephews from his second. He has made a point of not missing one single visit with his children because he sees how important they are. I'll never forget when his second wife had a double mastectomy and he travelled 8 hours roundtrip to pick up my niece so as not to miss the visitation. So while I do understand the originl posters concern of having her wedding day on a certain day....the importance of starting your life on the right foot of making each and every person in the new family to feel a part of that day ~ children included, is IMPO, the most important thing to be considered. You are marrying the father and his children creating a new family unit that should be respected & cherished. And so.....everyone should attend and no one excluded. :nono:
Good luck and hope you find the book helpful....Goody :wave:
Just to clarify my earlier post on how the children should come first from first marriages. I just wanted to let you know that I have personal experience from having a brother who has been remarried twice and has three different families that he melds together. I know that my niece from his first marriage cherishes every moment she has with her dad as do my neices & nephews from his second. He has made a point of not missing one single visit with his children because he sees how important they are. I'll never forget when his second wife had a double mastectomy and he travelled 8 hours roundtrip to pick up my niece so as not to miss the visitation. So while I do understand the originl posters concern of having her wedding day on a certain day....the importance of starting your life on the right foot of making each and every person in the new family to feel a part of that day ~ children included, is IMPO, the most important thing to be considered. You are marrying the father and his children creating a new family unit that should be respected & cherished. And so.....everyone should attend and no one excluded. :nono:
Good luck and hope you find the book helpful....Goody :wave:
hillaryb
03-10-2005, 07:35 PM
OMG goody, he didnt leave her in the hospital did he??? Your brother wanting to keep visitation is all well and good, but his wife was having a double mastectomy. Tell me he didnt make her go through that or recover from it by herself!!! :eek: If there ever was a reason to rearrange things a bit, that is it! :angel:
goody2shuz
03-10-2005, 08:56 PM
OMG goody, he didnt leave her in the hospital did he??? Your brother wanting to keep visitation is all well and good, but his wife was having a double mastectomy. Tell me he didnt make her go through that or recover from it by herself!!! :eek: If there ever was a reason to rearrange things a bit, that is it! :angel: His wife was insistent that nothing change...including his visitation. She new that his ex wouldn't allow for a makeup date. And my parents stayed with her while I watched the other kids. I know, it sounds almost bad, but that is how committed they BOTH were to the kids. That's what I wanted to express. Also, now that he is divorced he even allows my niece from this first marriage to spend time with his second wife because they miss each other. I know it's not something everyone would do but my brother has always put the kids first and he was lucky enough to find women that did too ;) Hopefully this time around he'll stay married :D ....Goody :angel:
hillaryb
03-10-2005, 11:09 PM
lol Ok, that isnt so bad. Wow. I hope such a wonderful lady is doing well after a mastectomy??? Is she alright physically? I also hope your brother manages to make his current marriage last (3rd??) But is the ex healthy now?? :angel:
goody2shuz
03-10-2005, 11:18 PM
lol Ok, that isnt so bad. Wow. I hope such a wonderful lady is doing well after a mastectomy??? Is she alright physically? I also hope your brother manages to make his current marriage last (3rd??) But is the ex healthy now?? :angel: Yes...thank goodness she is past the 5 year mark which makes her chances of reoccurrence very unlikely. :bouncing: The thing is.....all his wives are very likeable....this third is not my favorite but he just married her in November...so she'll probably grow on me ;) And I just hope this is it....he's got 7 kids now between the 3 marriages. 1 from the first, 3 from the second and his new wife has 2 of her own :eek: It's never a dull moment in Goody's family....but you gotta love 'em. We're still close to the first 2 wives....the 2nd one was my daughters sponser at her Confirmation and she is flying my daughter down to see her next weekend. Thank God things can be that way despite the circumstances but it makes it dificult to explain my brother's behavior. Oh well...family, you are stuck with them ;) ....Goody
A-me
03-11-2005, 12:21 PM
"So while I do understand the originl posters concern of having her wedding day on a certain day....the importance of starting your life on the right foot of making each and every person in the new family to feel a part of that day ~ children included, is IMPO, the most important thing to be considered. You are marrying the father and his children creating a new family unit that should be respected & cherished. And so.....everyone should attend and no one excluded."
I guess you missed the post where I said that we were not having a "wedding", we are going to the justice of the peace. My mom is not able to come into town for this so therefore to make things fair, I do not want any family there. We plan on having two celebrations for each family where the child is going to be appart of it. But after we get married we were wanting to leave town for a few days just the two of us. I can't help it if I picked a day that he has his son. I am not asking him to give away his son, I am just asking if he can stay with his own mother on those days.
I guess you missed the post where I said that we were not having a "wedding", we are going to the justice of the peace. My mom is not able to come into town for this so therefore to make things fair, I do not want any family there. We plan on having two celebrations for each family where the child is going to be appart of it. But after we get married we were wanting to leave town for a few days just the two of us. I can't help it if I picked a day that he has his son. I am not asking him to give away his son, I am just asking if he can stay with his own mother on those days.
lisa24
03-11-2005, 01:26 PM
I can't help it if I picked a day that he has his son. I am not asking him to give away his son, I am just asking if he can stay with his own mother on those days.
By the same token, he cannot help it that the weekend that works best for you happens to be a weekend that he is scheduled to have his son.
And by the same token, He is not asking You to cancel the wedding, just can it be a different weekend.
Only pointing out that for every reason you have, he has an equal reason for his position.
I understand why you want this day to be special, but it's his day also.
No, his (the bf) wants should not be placed above yours, but at the same time, then why should your come before his? It's a 2 way street here.
Which thread on here recently said something about "true love is SELFLESS"? Personally I believe that. If you love this guy so much, wouldn't you understand his position and be willing to reason with him?
Is a completely new compromise on the wedding day at all possible? Why does it HAVE to be this weekend? Why is it so crucial that you get your way?
I understand you want the wedding this particular weekend, I really do, but it simply isn't working for the BOTH of you.
Are you not able to Self-lessly make a sacrifice and compromise a new weekend, all in the name of love?
Whether you or anyone wishes to believe it or not, Selfless acts of giving DO get rewarded.
By the same token, he cannot help it that the weekend that works best for you happens to be a weekend that he is scheduled to have his son.
And by the same token, He is not asking You to cancel the wedding, just can it be a different weekend.
Only pointing out that for every reason you have, he has an equal reason for his position.
I understand why you want this day to be special, but it's his day also.
No, his (the bf) wants should not be placed above yours, but at the same time, then why should your come before his? It's a 2 way street here.
Which thread on here recently said something about "true love is SELFLESS"? Personally I believe that. If you love this guy so much, wouldn't you understand his position and be willing to reason with him?
Is a completely new compromise on the wedding day at all possible? Why does it HAVE to be this weekend? Why is it so crucial that you get your way?
I understand you want the wedding this particular weekend, I really do, but it simply isn't working for the BOTH of you.
Are you not able to Self-lessly make a sacrifice and compromise a new weekend, all in the name of love?
Whether you or anyone wishes to believe it or not, Selfless acts of giving DO get rewarded.
goody2shuz
03-11-2005, 01:50 PM
"So while I do understand the posters concern of having her wedding day on a certain day....the importance of starting your life on the right foot of making each and every person in the new family to feel a part of that day ~ children included, is IMPO, the most important thing to be considered. You are marrying the father and his children creating a new family unit that should be respected & cherished. And so.....everyone should attend and no one excluded."
I guess you missed the post where I said that we were not having a "wedding", we are going to the justice of the peace. My mom is not able to come into town for this so therefore to make things fair, I do not want any family there. We plan on having two celebrations for each family where the child is going to be appart of it. But after we get married we were wanting to leave town for a few days just the two of us. I can't help it if I picked a day that he has his son. I am not asking him to give away his son, I am just asking if he can stay with his own mother on those days.
A-Me....I guess my understanding of what marriage represents is just different than yours. You say that since your mom can't make the day then everyone else that can celebrate the day should be excluded even if they may wish to share in the day. From the way I see things, your fiance feels that the day should work around his son, who does and always will come first in his life since he is part of his first family & your mom can't make it and possibly could if you changed the day as well as others. I understand that you will be having other celebrations but it is my belief that a marriage is the joining of two people and their families.....everything that is part of their lives including children and to start out your marriage on things being so separate is only looking for a life that will continue to be that way. You asked for help and opinions and all you seem to see is what you want and are disregarding your fiance's and other peoples feelings, which appears to be very selfish on your part, IMHO. I hope you take the advice offered here to heart so that you can start your marriage off on the right foot.....Goody :wave:
I guess you missed the post where I said that we were not having a "wedding", we are going to the justice of the peace. My mom is not able to come into town for this so therefore to make things fair, I do not want any family there. We plan on having two celebrations for each family where the child is going to be appart of it. But after we get married we were wanting to leave town for a few days just the two of us. I can't help it if I picked a day that he has his son. I am not asking him to give away his son, I am just asking if he can stay with his own mother on those days.
A-Me....I guess my understanding of what marriage represents is just different than yours. You say that since your mom can't make the day then everyone else that can celebrate the day should be excluded even if they may wish to share in the day. From the way I see things, your fiance feels that the day should work around his son, who does and always will come first in his life since he is part of his first family & your mom can't make it and possibly could if you changed the day as well as others. I understand that you will be having other celebrations but it is my belief that a marriage is the joining of two people and their families.....everything that is part of their lives including children and to start out your marriage on things being so separate is only looking for a life that will continue to be that way. You asked for help and opinions and all you seem to see is what you want and are disregarding your fiance's and other peoples feelings, which appears to be very selfish on your part, IMHO. I hope you take the advice offered here to heart so that you can start your marriage off on the right foot.....Goody :wave:
A-me
03-11-2005, 01:56 PM
I agree with putting a child first to an extent. But if he put's the child before me then our relationship will likely suffer. If he puts me before his son then their relationship will suffer. There needs to be balance and I am not seeing that. I feel like he let's his child run the show. I could go on and on but my date has already been changed once. I wanted to get married on March 7th but my Grandmother died and I had to leave town. I want to get married on April 7th because it falls between my father's birthday and my Grandmother's birthday who died. SO excuse me for not wanting to change it again. I had decided originally on March 7th for other inportant senimental reasons but that didn't work out due to a death in the family. This is an inportant day for me as it should be for him aswell. We are not having a "wedding" so that it why it is even more inportant to me to get married on a day that I feel is special to me. That's right ME!! All this talk about it makes me not even want to get married so thank you ladies sooo much for giving me all this stuff to think about. Marriage just ends in divorce, obviously, and causes to many problems.
This was an ealier post of mine where I talked about the inportance of this date that you obviously missed so maybe this will answer you questions about why THAT DAY is so inportant to me. About compromising, sacrificing, and "selfless acts of love". I agree with you, it's a two way street. But you don't get married everyday and why should I have to pay the price and give up something inporant to me because he chose to have a child with a woman who ended up cheating on him and leaving him....a woman he claims he didn't even love. Why would you get married if you do not love the person and then bring a child into it? Had he thought about this more seriously then there wouldn't be a child who is now affected not only by divorce, but is affected by both his parents remarrying and his mother having another child on the way. Me and the child are paying the price here and I think it sux. Yes, I understand that I will have to share this man with his child. But the child also needs to learn that he will have to share this man with me. EVERYONE will have to compromise and make sacrifices in this family and situation. I should not have to be the only one doing so. If his mother is unable to keep him then that is fine and we will work something else out. But if she is able to do this I do not see what the problem is.......we do not get married everyday.
This was an ealier post of mine where I talked about the inportance of this date that you obviously missed so maybe this will answer you questions about why THAT DAY is so inportant to me. About compromising, sacrificing, and "selfless acts of love". I agree with you, it's a two way street. But you don't get married everyday and why should I have to pay the price and give up something inporant to me because he chose to have a child with a woman who ended up cheating on him and leaving him....a woman he claims he didn't even love. Why would you get married if you do not love the person and then bring a child into it? Had he thought about this more seriously then there wouldn't be a child who is now affected not only by divorce, but is affected by both his parents remarrying and his mother having another child on the way. Me and the child are paying the price here and I think it sux. Yes, I understand that I will have to share this man with his child. But the child also needs to learn that he will have to share this man with me. EVERYONE will have to compromise and make sacrifices in this family and situation. I should not have to be the only one doing so. If his mother is unable to keep him then that is fine and we will work something else out. But if she is able to do this I do not see what the problem is.......we do not get married everyday.
goody2shuz
03-11-2005, 02:27 PM
A-me.....I don't wish to hurt you in anyway...but i sense that there are more issues here than just a day you want to get married. If my guess is right, you want to feel as if you come first in your fiance's life. And, you are the adult adn need to understand that whatever happened in the past is not your future stepson's fault and he should not have to suffer the consequences of two adults mistakes!!!! This is where Goody takes it to heart. The fact is that this little boy has suffered enough and it would only behoove you to embrace him as you do his dad. He must come first and I have a feeling that if your fiance treated it in any other way you would be disappointed in him. It's the type of father you want to be your future children's father.....one that isresponsible and sees how important it is to not disappoint his child...doesn't mean he doesn't love you less, just that he loves in the right way. Please don't fight him on this....for in doing so you may lose him because of something he knows is right. I would suggest you get a book to help you figure this all out. Marriage is not one day.....it is a lifetime. And to go into it looking at it as if it is already doomed to fail is not a good thing either. I am not here to insult....just to assist you in seeing how things will be. I am here if you have any other concerns....Goody :angel:
SophiaM
03-11-2005, 03:01 PM
I honestly don't envy your situation, and having dated someone with a child before, I would have to now seriously think if I'd like to get involved in such a complicated situation again. I wouldn't say "no" right off the bat because if the guy was great and perfect for me in every way, I would not let that stand in the way. But, as you see, it's a lot more challenging and complicated than marrying a guy who is lik yourself: single and no children from prior relationships. You have to seriously think if you will be able to deal with similar situations in the future. By "similar" I mean occasions where you will come secondary to his son, because they WILL happen.
As far as the issue at hand, well, have you or your fiance tried to ask the ex-wife if she's willing to stay with the kid on the day of your wedding? Perhaps you're worrying needlessly and she might, in fact, cooperate. I hope that this is the case and that everything works out fine for everyone involved. I can completely understand that you don't want to have to reschedule your wedding AGAIN, and I don't blame you.
As far as the issue at hand, well, have you or your fiance tried to ask the ex-wife if she's willing to stay with the kid on the day of your wedding? Perhaps you're worrying needlessly and she might, in fact, cooperate. I hope that this is the case and that everything works out fine for everyone involved. I can completely understand that you don't want to have to reschedule your wedding AGAIN, and I don't blame you.
ana_27
03-11-2005, 03:02 PM
A-ME, how does your husband feel about his son not being at the wedding. I understand it's just a civil ceremony but it is a wedding ceremony nonetheless. Is he ok with that and the issue is only about timing or does he actually want his son there on that day? I have agreed with you up until this point but now I'm not so sure. You mentioned that since you won't have any family there, neither should he. That is not fair. Don't make him pay for something that is not in his control. Let him have his son there if he wants and you can then drop him off at his mom's or have someone take him and you can go off and have a very romantic few days together in which he will be happy and relaxed and focus on you as opposed to feeling sad and distracted by the fact that his son wasn't there.
I will give you some advice that really worked well for me. You will understand what I'm saying because I have a feeling we are very much alike in how we feel about things or at least how I used to feel about things.
Deep down I know you want to accept his son but you're having difficulty. Deep down I think there's a lot of resentment and you wish he didn't have a son. However, you cannot change that he does and you can do one of two things. You can resent it and fight it despite your good intentions and this will only drive a wedge between you and your future husband. Eventually he will come to resent you. OR you can stop fighting it, embrace it and try to be the best step mom in the world. Don't let the little things bother you. Compromise on the big things. Give his son genuine affection and you will get genuine affection back. Your fiance will love you SO much more when he sees how much you love HIS child. My boyfriend told me that he knew he was going to marry me the day he saw me and his daughter snuggled up in bed watching a movie and she was stuck to me like glue. He said in that moment the love he felt for me was stronger than anything he had felt up to that moment because he knew I was being real and that we will work as a family unit.
I think the best thing you can do for your future family is to go to bed tonight, do some thinking about how you can make the best of this situation and wake up tomorrow with a whole new attitude. I guarantee you that you will have a much better relationship with your fiance. Best of luck A-ME. Please come back to the boards and tell us all about the wedding. I wish you and your husband a very happy life together.
I will give you some advice that really worked well for me. You will understand what I'm saying because I have a feeling we are very much alike in how we feel about things or at least how I used to feel about things.
Deep down I know you want to accept his son but you're having difficulty. Deep down I think there's a lot of resentment and you wish he didn't have a son. However, you cannot change that he does and you can do one of two things. You can resent it and fight it despite your good intentions and this will only drive a wedge between you and your future husband. Eventually he will come to resent you. OR you can stop fighting it, embrace it and try to be the best step mom in the world. Don't let the little things bother you. Compromise on the big things. Give his son genuine affection and you will get genuine affection back. Your fiance will love you SO much more when he sees how much you love HIS child. My boyfriend told me that he knew he was going to marry me the day he saw me and his daughter snuggled up in bed watching a movie and she was stuck to me like glue. He said in that moment the love he felt for me was stronger than anything he had felt up to that moment because he knew I was being real and that we will work as a family unit.
I think the best thing you can do for your future family is to go to bed tonight, do some thinking about how you can make the best of this situation and wake up tomorrow with a whole new attitude. I guarantee you that you will have a much better relationship with your fiance. Best of luck A-ME. Please come back to the boards and tell us all about the wedding. I wish you and your husband a very happy life together.
lisa24
03-11-2005, 04:17 PM
This was an ealier post of mine where I talked about the inportance of this date that you obviously missed so maybe this will answer you questions about why THAT DAY is so inportant to me.
Saw that post, so sorry for commenting the wrong way.
As an outsider, I have a hard time viewing this as the 'perfect day' because to me the perfect day would be a day that is Perfect for the BOTH of you.
About compromising, sacrificing, and "selfless acts of love". I agree with you, it's a two way street. But you don't get married everyday and why should I have to pay the price and give up something inporant to me because he chose to have a child with a woman who ended up cheating on him and leaving him....a woman he claims he didn't even love. Why would you get married if you do not love the person and then bring a child into it? Had he thought about this more seriously then there wouldn't be a child who is now affected not only by divorce, but is affected by both his parents remarrying and his mother having another child on the way. Me and the child are paying the price here and I think it sux. Yes, I understand that I will have to share this man with his child. But the child also needs to learn that he will have to share this man with me. EVERYONE will have to compromise and make sacrifices in this family and situation. I should not have to be the only one doing so. If his mother is unable to keep him then that is fine and we will work something else out. But if she is able to do this I do not see what the problem is.......we do not get married everyday.
As for you having to pay the price - you don't. You don't HAVE to marry this man.
But you want to, I would hope because you do love him. And thats great. I hope you have a long and healthy marriage.
The fact is someone in this situation has to step up and be the bigger person. Someone has to sacrifice something. Has he NEVER made a sacrafice for you before? (I'm really asking, I wouldn't know.) Maybe you would want to reconsider a future with him if this is so.
Just my opinion, but true, committed love doesn't ask questions like "well why should I have to?" "Why am I the only one?"
And if you are the only one, is this really love going on?
Why should you have to sacrifice? Because You are the adult here. That's what you said. Well, adults know we don't always get our way in life.
I understand it's your wedding day. I understand it's important to you. I'm sorry things aren't working out as smoothly as you wished they would. I hope you find some resolve soon, I truely do.
Your original question was, "Should I be upset". I only provided MY opinion as an alternate view. It was originally intended to help ease the conflict. Sorry I wasn't able to do this for you by viewing your situation thru different eyes.
Saw that post, so sorry for commenting the wrong way.
As an outsider, I have a hard time viewing this as the 'perfect day' because to me the perfect day would be a day that is Perfect for the BOTH of you.
About compromising, sacrificing, and "selfless acts of love". I agree with you, it's a two way street. But you don't get married everyday and why should I have to pay the price and give up something inporant to me because he chose to have a child with a woman who ended up cheating on him and leaving him....a woman he claims he didn't even love. Why would you get married if you do not love the person and then bring a child into it? Had he thought about this more seriously then there wouldn't be a child who is now affected not only by divorce, but is affected by both his parents remarrying and his mother having another child on the way. Me and the child are paying the price here and I think it sux. Yes, I understand that I will have to share this man with his child. But the child also needs to learn that he will have to share this man with me. EVERYONE will have to compromise and make sacrifices in this family and situation. I should not have to be the only one doing so. If his mother is unable to keep him then that is fine and we will work something else out. But if she is able to do this I do not see what the problem is.......we do not get married everyday.
As for you having to pay the price - you don't. You don't HAVE to marry this man.
But you want to, I would hope because you do love him. And thats great. I hope you have a long and healthy marriage.
The fact is someone in this situation has to step up and be the bigger person. Someone has to sacrifice something. Has he NEVER made a sacrafice for you before? (I'm really asking, I wouldn't know.) Maybe you would want to reconsider a future with him if this is so.
Just my opinion, but true, committed love doesn't ask questions like "well why should I have to?" "Why am I the only one?"
And if you are the only one, is this really love going on?
Why should you have to sacrifice? Because You are the adult here. That's what you said. Well, adults know we don't always get our way in life.
I understand it's your wedding day. I understand it's important to you. I'm sorry things aren't working out as smoothly as you wished they would. I hope you find some resolve soon, I truely do.
Your original question was, "Should I be upset". I only provided MY opinion as an alternate view. It was originally intended to help ease the conflict. Sorry I wasn't able to do this for you by viewing your situation thru different eyes.
A-me
03-11-2005, 05:25 PM
Me and my boyfriend have agreed to have his son's mother keep him. We have agreed to this the day after my original post. There is no problem there. My bf does not mind his not being there. His parents are the ones who will want to be there but I would rather it be just him and I. He doesn't get along to well with his mother and him and I both agree that she is very controlling and is not very supportive of him gettting married. So, while I understand it's two families coming together, we would rather it be peaceful. I know his son is appart of his first family but that "family" is not mine and I am not theirs. There have been plenty of times where I have had to go out of town to visit family without him because he had his son. When my grandmother died two weeks ago he could not go with me cause he had his son. So, I am supposed to be ok with his son taking so much priority over things? I do not think that is the right way. I will be part of that family too, and the natural order of things is - Father, Mother, then the child/children. I am not the child's natural mother but I will be marrying into the Mother role. Like I said earlier, children should know their place and that is as the child. Children grow up, go off to get college, get married, and then what? Then I become first???? The love for his child should not come before the love of his wife. While the child will be his forever and he will be the child's father forever, the child will not be a child forever and will eventually grow up and become an adult and have his own life. Does the child grow up and put his parents before his wife/husband? I look at the big picture not just the way it is now. A marriage is the rest of your life while parenting ends one day when the child grows up and becomes an adult an no longer needs his parents. Children outgrow their parents but a wife never outgrows her husband. She is the one who is still there when the child/children grow up, move away and get married. If you put the child/children first, when they are gone, you are then left with two number twos who don't even know each other because they were too busy pleasing the children instead of each other. This is another cause for divorce. It's a balance thing. The love for his son should not come before the love of his wife because the loves are different. He cannot get the love of his wife from the child and he cannot get the love of his child from the wife. When he does not have his son I do not try to take the son's place. It is impossible because the love is different and there is no replacing anyone. No one can fill that void except for his son and vice versa. For those of you who put the child first, you are putting your relationship second which in the end will become a strain. When the children are gone you will be left with your spouse, who was #2 all those years.
goody2shuz
03-11-2005, 07:12 PM
A-me.....While I mostly understand what you are saying....I am referring to when somebody has children and is marrying. An already made family comes first....and always does in the eyes of a court. You must realize that before you even get into this marrriage. Yes....in my marriage I do come first as my husband does so as to stand on a solid foundation. However, if my husband had a child before we married.....they are a unit and you should be prepared to treat them as so. To separate them is going to cause problems in your marriage. when his son has a special event and it lands on your anniversary or birthday and it is something that cannot be made up guess where your husband will be???? There is so much to talk about and if you haven;t already you ought to. That's all I am saying. How long have you known your boyfriend and how has he handled situations so far with his son and you??? Does it feel to you as if he's going to be putting his son first and have you been left to feel that way??? Because if he has you are not going to see a chnage after you are married nor should you expect one. Again, I am only here to make sure that you know what you are getting yourself into.....Goody :angel:
A-me
03-11-2005, 11:36 PM
I never said I wanted to separate them. me and my bf have been doing a lot of talking about different issues. We have good communication and I am so lucky to have someone, a man, that actually listens to me when I talk and a man who is concerned about my concerns, wants, needs, and etc. etc. It is very important to me that we are on the same page and I really feel that we are. I know that there is still a lot that I will have to learn and I know I will have to make sacrifices. This is new for me and my bf is very patient and understanding of this. I am the luckiest girl in the world and I have accepted what comes with him and that it's a package deal. It doesn't make it easy to deal with but I am trying really hard. This man is very important to me and all the effort I need to make all this work. We have been dating for a year and a half. And during that year and a half we have only gotten into one fight. It wasn't even a fight. I just got mad at him and gave him the silent treatment for about five hours till I was calm enough to talk.....and it had nothing to do with his son. We talk lot about different things and if something is bothering either one of us we always talk about it right then and resolve it then instead of letting things simmer. I beieve this is going to work out because it is very important to the both of us. And regardless of how things may sound, I do care very much for his son and his well being. I am concerned about his feelings and how all of this will end up affecting him in the end.......not just our marriage, but the divorce of his own parents.
Annsap
02-08-2007, 02:56 PM
I am in need of some help form you ladies! I am newly married and my husband has a 4 yr old daughter, i knew or atleast i thought i knew what i was getting myself into but, our marriage has been on the rocks with issues only when we have her. We have her only three days every other week, and on every other friday and saturday. When my husband picks her up from school and arrives at home he is a total different person towards me and lets her get away with so much. I feel really bad because i have no love for her and sometimes feel uncomfortable around when she is with her dad. I have two nephews and love them to death, so it is not an issue of not liking kids it only happens with his daughter. He tells me that i feel this way because she is not mine. I really need some advice on how to over come this. Please help!
keepsgoin
02-08-2007, 03:05 PM
Ann, though I am certainly no moderator here...I'd like to suggest for you to just start your own new post to get help with your current situation. Your post will get overlooked in this one.:) Just go to the beginning of the relationship forum and click on "new thread" and start it that way.
BrandyBobs Lady
02-08-2007, 03:42 PM
I have two different aspects here of this step-parent/child relationship. My biological father and my mom divorced when I was 9 years old. Later on my mom and my dad both remarried and I gained not only a step mom but a step dad as well. My step mom had 2 daughters from her previous marriage. When my mom got sick myself and my 3 younger siblings had to live with my dad when I started 5th grade. We were not really made to feel welcome in the home. We'd get shoved outside in the dead of winter and made to play in the barn while my step mom and her 2 spoiled daughters got to stay indoors where it was nice and warm. Needless to say my stepmom made the rules in house but my dad never knew what went on when he wasn't home. He just did as he was told. We were made to clean the house, feed the horse which was a he-devil, and do dishes. If dishes weren't done we were paddled with a 1/2" board and 3 holes drilled in the end by my dad because he was told do so. She never bonded with us either as you can tell. Grades? Oh lord...if I got an F on a report card I was incarcerated for 6 weeks at a whack in my room (with no help so I could at least improve). No one would bother to help me and since we lived in the country staying after school for extra help was out of the question. Needless to say I hated my step mom and don't much care about my father either. He doesn't have time for his kids at all and therefore I have no time for him either. My stepdad however is my dad. He treated me like a daughter even though he had 2 sons of his own. Him I bonded with and got to know him and I love and respect that man. He is a wonderful husband to my mom too.
As far as my step mother...she died back in November and I could give a *****. She didn't give a rats a$$ about me and therefore the feeling is mutual. She treated me and my siblings like servants and like crap. I'm not sure how I will feel when I find out my real dad passes away. Probably nothing at all either. He allowed this stuff to happen and allowed her to tell him what to do with us.
As far as my step mother...she died back in November and I could give a *****. She didn't give a rats a$$ about me and therefore the feeling is mutual. She treated me and my siblings like servants and like crap. I'm not sure how I will feel when I find out my real dad passes away. Probably nothing at all either. He allowed this stuff to happen and allowed her to tell him what to do with us.
Annsap
02-08-2007, 04:42 PM
Thank you!
tarheel247
02-08-2007, 04:47 PM
I'd like to know if A-me got married and how its workin out...:rolleyes: