My wife is having some issues that I'd like to know if other women on this page can understand. This is the deal. I can't understand this change of heart. It really bothers me that I even have to talk about this subject so early in my marriage about someone I thought was my soulmate.

About 2 mos ago, my wife breaks down while her parents flew down to visit and tells me that she doesn't know why but she doesn't feel for me the same way she used to. While crying, she says that she has been "distant" over the past month for a reason. If she was, I couldn't tell except for in the bedroom, but ever since she started taking the pill years ago, her sex drive has gone down anyway. She tells me that she loves me, but feels like she is NOT IN LOVE WITH ME. She says she doesn't know if she should of gotten married when she did. A lot of doubt in her mind to say the least. Does this make any sense?

We're in our mid 20s, both have great jobs and we've been together since the beginning of college. We were together 5 years before getting engaged and everything was great.
UNTIL--
Her grandmother died of natural causes 2 mos before the wedding and then the big one. Her brother died 1 1/2 weeks before the wedding of complications from his handicap. We drove back to our home state 6hrs to be there before he passed on but were 2 hours too late. She took it hard on the surface for a few days and everybody assured her that the wedding was going to be a happy time and it would help her grieving to have something happy come out of something bad. We buried him, I was a pallbearer with the family, and she seemed as she took it well and concentrated on the wedding. We went on a fabulous honeymoon on a carribean cruise and bought a house shortly thereafter and moved in. Everything was going real well. Then she dropped that bomb. What gives?

Im not the perfect guy but I consider myself to be a good husband. we had a great sex life, i don't drink, smoke, or am abusive to her. I treat her like a lady. Maybe I didn't say love you everyday but I spoke with actions more than words. She is my best friend. We have years of pictures and experiences, good and bad, together. I don't want this to ruin our marriage. She doesn't know what is making her feel this way but I suspect it's all the stressors right before the wedding that she had to repress and it's all coming out now and I am getting the brunt of it.
We went to one session of counseling together and the counselor said the same thing. Now she is going by herself to a counselor. We haven't been intimate for almost two months because she says she doesn't have the desire for it right now, not with me, not with anybody. She's been three times to her counselor and she is still distant. Not the same girl that I married right now. Any help would be great. I don't have friends I can talk with about this. Thank you.

Hello,

Those are some very harsh words to hear "i'm not in love w/ you". First off I feel very sorry for you and your situation. Some poeple don't realize that they have a good thing until its taken away from them.

Keep up the counseling w/ her or let her go alone. Mabye she's just stresed out and needs to work thru her own issues.

6 months is a short time, but you said you were together for 5 yrs? Is it that she felt rushed into getting married? I mean there has to be a reason she's feeling like this. I would jsut do my best to support her and try to make it work out, if it ends up not wroking I'm sure there are plenty other women who would lvoe to be married to you. ** basically try to make it work, but if she pushes you away there's not much else to say and do except move on **.
Good luck and God bless.

Therapy takes longer than three sessions and in some cases it can take years before the person can work through their issues.
I have to agree that her problems probably stem from the events before the wedding. That is alot to supress just so the wedding can go as planned. It might have been in her best interests at that time to delay the wedding so she could have gone through the porper grieving process(but too late for that now). Give her time,I know it can be rough but chances are if you stay with her and help her work this out it will make your marriage even stronger.

Your wife sounds very depressed, understandably, but its great that shes going for counseling. The only advice I can give you is to hang in there and support her. Dont do anything you will regret by turning away from her or to someone else. She may be scared to be in love with you right now because she doesnt want to lose you too. I know its hard for you too, so if it gets too hard maybe you could talk to the counselor alone too .

How long have you been married?

I am so sorry that this is happening...it sounds like you have a very healthy relationship and she is just really struggling right now. It sounds like she has some major grief and guilt issues concerning the deaths before the wedding, but that she's manifesting those issues in her relationship with you. If your sex life has always been fine and suddenly she is stopping it with no change on your part, that says that there's a problem with HER, not with you.

I have a feeling that if you give her time, encourage counseling, and continue to be understanding and supportive as much as possible, things will resolve themselves. Hopefully she will come to realize that she is taking her grief and frustration out on you....and then she will see how you have always been there for her and will realize what a great "catch" she has! I hope this happens sooner then later, but I would give it some time and try to be as understanding as possible.

As I've said in other posts....women often superimpose their everyday feelings onto their relationship. I've done this before, and it only creates problems in a relationship that is otherwise fine. I bet (in time) she will realize her issues have nothing to do with you and all will be fine. If not, then you can at least say you were the best husband you could be.

I wanted to say thanks to everyone who let me know their unbiased opinions. It helped more than you know.

I think it would be a good idea if you consider going to marriage counseling with your wife. It can help a great deal. Take care

Greeno, She may be overwhelmed. Most women get very stressed out emotionally, especially for the things she has gone through. It sounds like everything is moving too fast. It sounds like she needs time to herself for a while. A vacation or a weekend away with a friend and even go to see her parents. Counseling would be a good idea. But if I had lost two loved ones, had to work a full-time job, plan a wedding, honeymoon, and then buy a home, I would be very overwhelmed. Death alone takes a toll on anyone. I think you two have been together a long time and I don't think she wants to give that up. It sounds like you care very much, she is lucky I am sure to have you, but don't blame yourself. She probably doesn't feel anything right now. Give her time. Good luck, badgirl

Hi Greeno,

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. I think you need to be patient with your wife. You sound a lot like my boyfriend. Im pretty sure I put him through the ordeal you're going through now when my mother passed away three years ago, when I was 20. I got really really strange. Things were crazy. I started hating, well really despising, my boyfriend. I had plans to just pick up and move to Sweden -- dont ask me why, I dont have relatives there, I dont really know anything about the country!! -- To cut a long story short, it was a very crazy time, I had about 2 years of counselling and a lot of antidepressants (which, Im very proud to announce Im weaning myself off at the moment - down to 75mg from 300mg!!) and Im still with my boyfriend. Coming close to our 8 year anniversary!!
He's been my tower of strength, my hero! I know that sounds cheesy, but he's put up with so so much and Im so so grateful to him for that!!!

So my message to you Greeno, is hang in there. It might be tough, and maybe I have old fashioned thinking when I say this, but I really believe love will conquer all. :)

Good luck.
Kerry
:)

[This message has been edited by Jaxxx (edited 12-25-2002).]

Greeno, I totally agree with what the others have said. A lot of things happened around the time you got married so things just didn't really get off to a good start, and that's not your fault. Nevertheless, counselling is the best solution.

On another note, I must say marriage changes things quite a bit. I feel that it puts a lot more pressure on couples. This is just my opinion okay, and others may not feel the same way. But my husband and I first started going out together 10 years ago. We moved in together 8 years ago. We got married two years ago. And we have NEVER had so many huge arguments and problems as we did since we got married. We have been seeing a marriage counsellor for most of 2002. So that might have applied to you as well, and added to what's going on. I know I've sort of caught the tail end of this discussion, but does anyone agree?

Yes, we have our arguments but we really are on the same page most of the time. We hardly ever have blow out fights. I can't remember one in the past few years at that. She is seeing a counselor for what I see as depression but she does not feel that she needs any medication. I tend to disagree especially if we have been together 6 years and this comes along now.

Greeno
I have been married almost 10 years now, and believe me we have had our up and downs. I didn't think that I needed medication, but it wasn't until my mother told me to go see a doctor for some. We went through marriage counceling and this really helped us. There is a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, it is an excellent book. My husband is the one that told me about it, and it makes alot of sense. Everyone receives love in a different way whether it is words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service or physical touch, and this books explains which way you each receive love. It helps you spouse understand your needs!!! Good luck and take care.

Hey Greeno - Glad to see you posting. Seems like a good honest post and you pulled some great responses.

I am, at times, the general board antagonist. Don't intend to do things that way but I see things a little differently than most.

So..... Your charming bride does not "feel" the same way about you that she did earlier. Ummmmmmmm.... Please excuse me, but what does "feeling" have to do with anything? I don't recall any vows saying anything about how we feel.

Listen pal.... If she is all into how she "feels" then perhaps it would be best if you just let her become a problem for someone else. Anyone that is so weak that they base their love on how they feel is not much of a partner.

If you stay married you will most likely have children. Children are too precicious and too tender to trust their upbringing to someone that may waffle if they start to "feel" different about the child.

Being a mom is not easy job. Being a dad is just as hard. If a person measures their relationships on how they "feel" then they most likely will be unfit as a parent; especially to an adolescent.

I wish your bride the best. If she stays stuck on the "feeling " thing, however, it may be best for you to move on. There are plenty of women out there that understand committment and what it entails. For heavens sake, the mother of your children should be strong enough to look past feelings and be able to do the right thing.

Best of luck to you.
Bruce

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Bruce, I think your dog did eat your brain! Since when do we just dump a spouse because they are depressed or going through a bad time. How about in your vows where it says in good times and bad? I guess some people value their relationships a little more and think that feelings do matter. If you are married and act like that to your wife I can imagine how she "feels" about you.

A lot of you guys are mentioning marriage counseling but do you mean with both of us or is it better for her to go by herself to try to work out some issues she has(deaths in family) before I work into the mix? Right now she is seeing someone by herself and she says that the counselor is very good. She goes about every week or two. She hasnt' mentioned that original statement about feeling different towards me in about two months now. That doesn't mean it's still not there but it is not like she reminds me of it every week. Everything seems like it is status quo right now. A little better than when it first popped off but not back to normal. I feel the distance still there but patience isn't a virtue that I was born with but I am going to try.

Greeno, I think that's great that she is getting counselling, I admire her for seeing that she needs to get some help to get over this. I don't think you necessarily have to go but if one day she asks you to come along, you go. Surely this death stuff might be her problem, but you are married, so her problems are your problems because they affect your relationship (ie the two of you together), don't they.

As for being impatient - if you are interested in fixing this relationship then you won't dare put any pressure on her. Firstly, how can you force someone to get better? Secondly, she is doing the BEST thing a human being can do to get help for their problems and you have to remember that. She is not only doing it for her, she is doing it for you too and for her marriage. If you start getting impatient and putting pressure on her then it's going to look like the best she can do is still not good enough for you.

Your quote "She hasnt' mentioned that original statement about feeling different towards me in about two months now. That doesn't mean it's still not there but it is not like she reminds me of it every week. Everything seems like it is status quo right now.", suggests to me that you are trying to look for problems that aren't there. Give her a break mate! She's doing the best she can for you and is getting better! But it is going to take a while whether you like it or not.

Well, to give everybody that has tried to help an update, she wants to separate. She feels that her counselor has helped her realize that she is not happy in this marriage and hasn't been for quite some time coming now. She doesn't feel that any more counseling would help and if I made her go, it would just be her sitting there to appease me. I have pleaded with her to no avail. The new house we just bought we are going to have to eat trying to sell it, and I told her she can have most of the furniture and pictures. I don't want any of it.

I had a relationship end like this before, not by my wants but by the girlfriends wants, and it was not a good time them. Of course the relationship was only a year long but I fell hard. This is a little different. There is more at stake. I found the best way to get over the past relationship was to sever all ties, move away, and move on. Don't look at pics of us together, don't have anything to remind you of that person, because that makes me hurt all over again. It worked last time and I told her that I would have to do that this time as soon as the divorce papers are signed. I told her that is just who I am, I cannot be "friends" afterward while she is most likely seeing someone she feels will make her "feel happier" than I did.

Thanks to all those who tried to help.

Greeno,

I'm very sorry to hear about your wife and you splitting up. I think she is evil for doing this to you especially AFTER your married to her. How very selfish she is.
I know the pain and hurt is going to be there for a while, but try to look at it this way, YOU did everything you could do to help her and obviously she isn't worth it because she gave up on the relationship.
why do that to someone put them thru a relationship/marriage and leave? How cold human's can be. God is with you Greeno, he'll help you thru this.
God bless.

Ravekane,first that is kind of cold of your to accuse her of being cold and selfish. We only have one side of the story here. Granted it is sad that she isnt going to try to work things out but still you cant judge a person until you know her side also.
This maybe something she has to do to feel better with herself. She may have had doubts before the wedding but suppressed it along with the grief she was having due to the loss of family memebers.
Also she may have thought that event hough she had doubts that getting married would ahve fixed that.
I am not saying that Greeno did anything but we only have his side of what is going on. Which in some cases that person can make themselves out to be the vitcim when that may not be true.
Greeno I am sorry that things have turned out the way they have.
Couples counseling might have ben a help because then you both could have worked together instead of her going to work through her issues alone.

Greeno I'm sad to hear about the way things have ended.

My husband and I have a couple of times come pretty close to what you are going through now and those times have been pretty bloody devastating.

I wish you the best of luck in the future.

greeno, I know you don't want to hear this but the best thing you can do is just let her go. The more you plead with her and try to reason with her, the more she will pull away. Give her the space she wants and hopefully she will realise that divorce is not what she wants. But she needs to sort through this on her own or else it will keep resurfacing in the future. I know you love her and you just want to be there for her and help her, but there are some things in life we just have to do on our own. Some people have a strange way of grieving. I know I pushed everyone away when I was grieving because I felt like no one understood me. Just give her the space she needs because that is all you CAN do for her.

Greeno - Sorry to hear it ended like this. Despair not. There will be plenty willing to take her place.

Bruce

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Thanks everybody for the advice, good and bad. I am giving her the space she said she needs. If she makes the decision I don't like, I am going to deal with it. She doesnt know what she had till I'm not there anymore and then it's too late, I'm not going to be there.

Greeno,
Good for YOU!!!
I have been happily married for 47 years. I take people at their word and believe what they say. When your wife tells you that, she feels she does love you any more or like she use to--- and she shows it by her actions for 2 months. She wouldn't have to leave because --- I would !!!

Love is not a feeling ---- It is a CHOICE you make. Think about that!!!

I certaily wish you Well.

God Bless----Harry



[This message has been edited by Harry (edited 01-12-2003).]

Greeno, we hope you are doing okay, badgirl

To give you guys an update:
We had a "talk" and she chose to leave me because she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She admits that "I am a great guy, and that you never mistreated me", but I don't have the same feelings for you that I once did, etc, etc. So the house we bought together right after we got married is going on sale and I'm relocating out of state for a new job in the near future. She told me that she cared for me like a "family member" but not felt for me like a husband. So I responded, "well, consider me a family member that just died also, because as far as you should be concerned, I am dead to you as of now". I have severed all ties to her and I don't want her to talk to me any longer unless it has to do with the house, furniture, or the like. I will not get upset and beg for her back, I will perservere and find the silver lining to this situation. It has opened up some opportunities for me that were not there before. She felt like a stranger to me when I talked to her the last time and it seems to have made it easier for me to get over this without crying, whining and begging. Thanks for everybody that tried to help my situation.She will not find another guy that treated her the way I did, cooking, cleaning, taking care of her car, and pampering her with gifts anywhere. She made a big mistake.

You deserve better Greeno. When the right times comes, you will meet someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.
Take care

Greeno, I wish you the best of luck with everything. I know this is hard but you seem like a strong person and I know good things will come to you in the future.

Greeno, glad to hear from you. There are plenty of women out there that would love to have you!! You have wonderful qualities and you are right she will see that down the road, but she has to learn it the hard way. Good for you and good luck, Badgirl.