this is my first time on this board. I'm 19 and i've been dating my boyfriend of 20 for over 8 months now. problem is that we just can't get along. we fight all the time over stupid things, and then we're both too stubborn to fix things. i love him, and we want to be together, but we can't be together like this. any suggestions would be super helpful. we've tried everything we can think of. thanks

Maybe, just maybe, you love him, but he's not the right guy for you...
I just don't think it's rational to believe that every relationship before we get married has to work. We'd all be married to the kid we fell for in 9th grade.
Sometimes it just doesn't work out - that's why people date so that they can break-up if things aren't right.
That way you're free to meet the right guy when he comes along.
Love doesn't mean that things always work out.

If you knew that there was a guy out there who loved you and you loved him, who held similar beliefs about the things that mattered so that you didn't argue all the time, who was your best friend with your interests at heart.... Wouldn't you want to be free to meet him?

Hey linzy,

It's rather hard to speculate about how to fix things if we're really not sure what's broken.. Based on your post, I can only assume that your biggest problems are youth and a lack of communication..

As far as the youth portion goes, people tend to be a lot more passionate and exuberant about their opinions when they're young - especially males.. Chances are, a lot of it is purely hormonal.. That's not a bad thing, mind you, it's just a fact..

The best thing that I could suggest based on the information you've supplied is that you sit down with your boyfriend and talk to him.. Try to be more patient with one another.. Let him know that you love him and that you want to try to make things better.. Let him know that he doesn't have to express his opinions angrily or get upset when your opinions differ.. And, of course, you must be willing to practice what you preach..

There will always be clashes and differences of opinion in any relationship.. How you choose to deal with them affects whether or not your relationship survives.. If you can't have a discussion without getting angry and fighting with each other (and then can't apologize for what you've said), the future of your relationship will likely be bleak..

Also, it doesn't hurt to be the bigger person.. You have to learn how to forgive and forget, just as he does.. I can't tell you how many times I've apologized to my fiance - not because I thought I was wrong, but because silly little things aren't worth getting all worked up over.. It's just a sacrifice that you have to make sometimes..

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck.. Others might be able to provide more helpful advice if you went into a little bit more detail about your relationship..

Take Care,
Melanie

My friend Dustin and his girlfriend are in this situation. They love each other and want to be together, but fight all the time, and its over the stupidest things in the world. In fact, Dustin says that he worries about their relationship if they don't fight at least once a day.

Why be in a relationshp where you aren't happy? You might love him, but is love worth giving up your happiness? Ask yourself that question and think about it.

thanks for the advice. the thing is that neither of us want to end it, but that's what going to happen if we can't fix things. we need to stop fighting the way we do. i'm a very emotional girl, and that doesn't help matters at all. my boyfriend was very sensitive to this at the beginning of our relationship, but now he claims that he has "no more patience" for all the times i overreact to little things. you know, i just can't help it. i wish things didn't bother me as much as they do. it would make things so much easer.

Linzy, are you depressed or having problems with your hormones? Maybe taking a mild anti-depressant or something to balance your hormones would help. I went through some pretty strange so-called fights in a relationship that were about nothing but this person's lack of stability and depression. Fortunately, I knew it wasn't me, so I bided my time, and learned to overlook a lot of things and not take them personally. Eventually, it just got better and better. The love was the glue that kept it going--plus knowing not to react to every little thing. I had to learn to forgive and remember it wasn't me, or him really, but rather some internal tensions that needed defusing. It took a while, but it worked. Sometimes someone who starts silly fights for no reason is just testing you to see if you will leave, and over time trust builds and it slacks off down to nothing. Some people are so insecure they'll do anything to aggravate you just to prove to themselves they are unworthy when you leave them, just like they imagined. If you truly love them and see more worth staying for than walking away from, give it time, and really work at letting go and not abusing the one you love the most in the world. Transcend the petty squabbles and he will start to do the same. Sometimes you have to forget your pride and need to be right for a greater purpose. If you start being more like that, I bet he will too. When there are two stubborn people involved, it will take one of them to rise above it and break the old pattern. Why not you?

maybe i am a little depressed. i've never talked to anyone about it. how would you get that checked out?

You could make an appointment with your family doctor.

Good luck!