Okay, here's the situation. I got to know Tom thru mutual creative interests, we were attracted, became friends, then on his birthday we became lovers. He has no car and has lived about an hour away from me the whole time. At first he called me every night, then it was a week before I heard from him, now it is up & down. I am a very independent woman so I figured I can be very cool and very patient and not move too fast & try to smother him. I think we (were) in love and now it has been over 3 months that we have been dating. He is a hard man who has had a tough life and definately has abandonment issues from his childhood. So he does a lot of disappearing and it gives me all this anxiety cuz I think he's gonna run away and disappear from me. I love him so i am letting stuff go like not seeing him enough, and I am lucky to get a call from him once a week. He works way too much and when i do see him he tells me I am the best thing in his life. I tell him i cried cuz i hadn't heard from him, and then blows me off again. Last weekend he invited me to his show (rap), then for days did not return my calls then dissed me and went to the show without me. That's so mean! Can anyone give me advice about men who are on the run...hot & cold.... If i am patient & understanding will he treat me like a doormat?

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NIX

It sounds like he is already using you as a doormat I think that you have been paitent enough. You have to tell him if he dose not change his ways then you are not going to see him anymore. I know you love him but this might make him realize that you are the best and that he dose not want to treat the way he dose sota like slapping him back in to reality type thing. I think that he probly dose love you but it is hard when you have a childhood that make you want to run. I think that you can work this out with him you might have to be paitent but I would not stick around if he dose not start calling and spending time with you. I hope that you work everything and I wish you the best of luck..
Valerie

thanx valerie,
yeah i have already told him it hurts my feelings when he doesn't seem care if he talks to me for 1-2 weeks. And I guess all i can do now is threaten to leave (i hate the way that sounds) and i obviously need to follow through with it if he is not willing to make up for his bad behavior. I think part of the problem is that I'm afraid that he is just assuming that I don't love him. I've never told him yet, but now is not the time.
I don't want to scare him off, I don't want to be a b*#tch to him, and I also don't want to be a doormat. I'm waiting & waiting for his call to see what's up. I don't want to call him & look desperate.

You said that you became "lovers". Does that mean that the relationship was more of a casual one? If that is the case, then maybe he feels that you have turned it from something casual to something more serious. On the other hand, if a woman is too available, some guys will treat them with less respect as they know that you will come running each time they want you. Possibly he has issues regarding the relationship turning more serious considering he has abandonment issues.

Your best bet is to let him know how you feel and what your expectations are and for him to be honest in return. If he's not making you happy let him know and leave him.

far too many women are willing to settle for sporadic relationships with guys who aren't willing to put much effort into sustaining them. i wonder why on earth women involve themselves with 'hard' men like your boyfriend. there are always a limitless amount of excuses for their behaviour, that it is derived from some childhood trauma or other. where are the advantages of such a relationship??

my girlfriend would never tolerate an absentee boyfriend. so, why should you? find yourself someone more deserving of your time and who is willing to give you something back in return for your affections!

If the choice is sucker or patient then I pick sucker.

Sorry Nixie but you are a sucker. :(

Girl, don't waste your time on a man like that. You said you are a very independant woman....there is a better man out there for you....why don't you give someone who is worthy a chance? Good luck to you.-Roni

HI ITS SOUNDS LIKE YOU MAY BE "CODEPENDENT" WHICH
MEANS PUTTING UP WITH OTHER PEOPLES ISSUES INSTEAD
OF TAKING CARE OF "YOU"...THINGS MUST BOTHER YOU
CUZ YOU ARE WRITING...YOU HAVE TO FIND OUT "WHY"
HE KEEPS DOING THIS TO YOU, AND IF YOU LET HIM
DO THIS, HE WILL KEEP DOING IT. PLEASE BE STRONG,
AND "TALK" WITH HIM AND TELL HIM WHAT "YOU" WANT,
AND IF HE CANNOT GIVE IT TO YOU, WALK AWAY.

I forgot who this quote was coined by, but "Wait around for anything that will come to you, but do not long for anything else."

Please do not type in caps. It is considered shouting
and it also makes it harder for some people to read.

Thank you

- Guardian (moderator)

hello I was the original poster. Thanks everyone, you made me feel better about the situation. He still has not called me even though i left a message saying something to the likes of " please call me , i know its not the end of the world if things don't work out between us, but this is cruel. I can't even smile anymore. please do me this favor & call & don't leave me hanging like this."
Its terrible though because I haven't heard from him and I don't even know that he is alive! But this is not the first time I have wondered if something has happened to him. I'm pretty sad because i had so many fun times planned with him & my girl friends are always with their boyfriends and they never want to hang out & do fun things. I know I shouldn't but i'm afraid that I will get back together with him just cuz he's fun. i want my boyfriend back! boo hoo! He's a total jerk though! Why does it have to be so difficult!?