I will try to be brief. I do love my wife and want to spend my life with her. She and my daughter have formed a wonderful bond as well.She is from S.America and her VISA is recently cleared and soon she will be moving here. We are married.

Ok, My wife thinks that this is "Totally NORMAL Behavior of a Married woman", what do you think. PLEASE TELL ME IF THIS IS WHAT YOU THINK IS NORMAL behavior of a MARRIED WOMAN and if you would like YOUR SPOUCE doing this ??

My wife planned to attent ( and did ) a convention for which I decided to give a surprise visit and stay with her for most of the convention. She had given her absolute WORD to me that she would NOT accept or go out with any men on dinners/date. She asked me to trust her and that she would honor our marriage and would NEVER do something like this again.

Well, when I arrived to the convention it was a wonderful surprise. We had a great time. A "traveling salesman from another country then her's " began to talk to both of us. He appeared to know her VERY VERY well. After he seemed surprised to find out I was her husband ( my wife will often refer to me as a boyfriend, which she did in an email to him ), he begins to speak in spanish to my wife so I couldnt understand them. He and my wife both speak VERY PERFECT english. ( knowing I wouldnt understand ). She walks him over to a little table with only 2 chairs and has him sit with her. I am all but forgotten at this point. But, I dont complain and show Im trusting her. They spend 2 DAYS, laughing, talking in Spanish ONLY, smiling ( Never having ANY notes, paperwork, contracts,pictures, documents any kind of "business stuff" you would normally expect in a normal business meeting ) but she claims it was ALL pure "business".

As I get ready to leave for home one day before she is going home, she accidently talks about a dinner she is going on. Well, as it turns out, this guys was flirting with her, saying things against OUR marriage ( like telling her she will not like moving to the usa, even though he is mexican but living in the usa, saying other negative comments about her future with me ) Trying to be her "Latin" peer.

Also come to find out that he ASKS HER TO HAVE DINNER WITH HER , RIGHT after my flight back home ( an HOUR after Im gone ). Now WE were there for 4 days, and he says he wants a dinner with her AFTER HER HUSBAND IS GONE.If he is just being a friend, why doesnt he ever invite ALL of us ( Me her brother as well. He ALWAYS ONLY gives the invite to MY wife personally ) Also come to find out he has been emailing her before the show, asking HER to go to dinner with him, if she is "willing to risk jeapordy" by seeing him and a dinner date when they are to meet at the convention ( He , not knowing yet that I will be there )

Then my WIFE tells him to COME TO HER HOTEL and gives HER HOTEL ADDRESS as a meeting location to this traveling salesman ( that she claims she hardly ever see's and the last time she claims was over 3 years ago. This is simply some guy she says sells stuff from his employer to my wifes company ). This HOTEL meeting was planned for AN hour AFTER I was to leave to go home, where my wife would meet me the next day. I will also add, that my wife added an EXTRA day to this convention, AFTER she told me earlier she would have come to me a day sooner.

Now, AFTER TWO days and MANY hours of talking, smiling, flirting, and saying negative comments about my wifes future with me and asking SEVERAL times for a secret dinner date. My wife tries to say that this is a "vital business" dinner. It should be also noted that I have been on these "Business dinners. They included NO BUSINESS talk at all. We went to Hard Rock Cafe, Resturants, looked into hooters, walking along the waterfront, shops etc.....

Then she claims that she decided not to see him because it upset me. She said she went out instead with her two "REAL" friends ( One single guy and one married woman which are real friends to her ). These are two of her friends that were at another booth. Nice people, always spoke english around us, respectful of our marriage. My wife even told them we were married, and they were very positive about us being a couple. My wife said they all left before this guy was to come to her Hotel ( For the dinner date this guy planned for the two of them ) . And my wife claims after this guy was working her for TWO days that he never even tried to contact or call her to ask what happened, claims he never asked anything or went to her room, even thought she tries to tell me its VITAL BUSINESS.

Is this the actions of a "married wife, talking in a foreign language in front of a spouce, permit some guy to flirt and down play my wifes marriage, having men meet her at her hotel for secret dinner dates. Have other men get her to meet at a hotel and later to a secret dinner ? Permitting ANY guy to invade OUR family life and try to say things in order to get a date with my wife ?



[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-27-2003).]

I think you should trust her until proven otherwise.Just because she made a date with him an hour after you left doesn't mean anything.Surely you wouldn't expect her to make any date while your still there.There could be a safety zone that he feels with her because she is married and he can go out with her just as friends without any expectations.She on the other hand feels compelled to go on these casual friendship dates because she has to work with these guys and is trying to keep things friendly.I think you should try to trust her and not herass her, unless you have REAL proof that she is messing around.

I don't think that making dates with other men is appropriate for a married woman. I think most married men wouldn't put up with it. But if you want to stick around, maybe you should learn Spanish ASAP and see if you can figure out what's going on, like you don't already know!!!

So, dsheldon3
You would not mind if YOUR spouce went on secret dates an HOUR after your gone ?? A date made, WHEN YOUR HUSBAND is GONE. The fact that he was speaking perfect english to us, TILL he found out she was married to me. And the fact that he is asking about HER marriage, Telling her that she shouldnt move to the USA, saying that she wont like moving, that she will not like the USA, and MORE. That the dinner invite was to start by MEETING at HER HOTEL, and to WAIT till the husband is gone !!!! Your saying that you would approve of this if it was your spouce ???
If he is just a friend why wouldnt he ask to go out and to meet his friends new husband ?? Why do you think he wanted to take HER out WITH OUT the husband around ?? Why would ANYONES spouce tell some salesman to meet her at HER HOTEL ( when they have had 2 days to talk at the convention about a simple wire that probably takes 10 minutes at most to talk about ) AS SOON AS THE HUSBAND IS GONE ??? Would you permit your spouce to go out on dinner dates with anyone that asks and call it a "business dinner" ??? Would you be happy thatif some salesman talks BADLY about your MARRIAGE, then ASKS for a dinner date in Spanish ( He is Mexican but lives in the USA ) , so you dont know whats going on ?? Did I mention we are MARRIED. If you are married, would you want YOUR spouce meeting people at Hotels for dates ?? There is NOOOOO NOOOO business done on these business dinner dates. Ive been on several. So, you say that MARRIED people should be permitted to date anyone as long as its a secret to the spouce ??

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

I will answer in all caps.

Originally posted by Needhelpnow:
So, dsheldon3
You would not mind if YOUR spouce went on secret dates an HOUR after your gone ?? THEY AREN'T SECRET IF THEY ARE GOING TO PUBLIC PLACES AND NOT SHOWNING PUBLIC AFFECTION.A date made, WHEN YOUR HUSBAND is GONE.YES, IF I WOULD MIND IF IT WERE MY HUSBAND.BUT AS A FEMALE IN THE WORKPLACE, YOU HAVE TO FEEL COMFORTABLE AROUND THE PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH.I'M NOT SAYING SAYING WHAT SHE DID WAS RIGHT BUT THAT YOU SHOULD TRY TO UNDERSTAND HER PERDICAMENT. The fact that he was speaking perfect english to us, TILL he found out she was married to me. And the fact that he is asking about HER marriage, Telling her that she shouldnt move to the USA, saying that she wont like moving, that she will not like the USA, and MORE.THAT COULD BE NOTHING BUT CONVERSATION. That the dinner invite was to start with a METTING at HER HOTEL, and to WAIT till the husband is gone. AGAIN, THAT MEANS NOTHING,ITS NOT LIKE SHE INVITED HIM UP TO HER ROOM .IT MIGHT HAVE JUST BEEN MORE CONVENIENT TO MEET THERE.Your saying that you would approve of this if it was your spouce ??? NO I WOULDN'T APPROVE UNLESS I KNEW WHAT THE SITUATION WAS ,IF IT WAS BECAUSE HE WAS IN A STRANGE TOWN AND DID NOT WANT TO GO TO A CERTAIN MEETING ALONE I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT, A MAN DOES NOT NEED TO TAKE A WOMEN OUT ON A DATE TO STAY BUSINESS PARTNERS.
If he is just a friend why wouldnt he ask to go out and to meet his friends new husband ??BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE,DOESN'T MEAN HE IS GOING TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF HER. Why do you think he wanted to tak HER out with OUT the husband ??BECAUSE EITHER HE DID NOT WANT BE ALONE AND OFCOURSE HE COULD BE INTERESTED HER.BUT JUST BECAUSE HE IS INTERESTED IN HER DOES NOT MEAN THAT YOU SHOULD NOT TRUST YOUR WIFE. Why would ANYONES spouce tell some salesman to meet her at HER HOTEL AS SOON AS THE HUSBAND IS GONE ??? YOU ARE WAY TOO PARENOID,BUT IT IS UNDERSTANDABLE. Would you permit your spouce to go out on dinner dates with anyone that asks ??? THATS REDICULOUS, WHY WOULD I,BUT UNDER CERTAIN CIRCUMSTANCES IT WOULD BE OK .I WOULD TRUST HIM.Would you be happy that he talks BADLY about your MARRIAGE, then ASKS for a dinner date in Spanish, so you dont know whats going on ??WELL IF YOU ARE SHOWING AS MUCH JEALOUSY HERE AS YOU WERE THERE I CAN SEE WHY HE WOULD DO THAT.

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]



[This message has been edited by dsheldon3 (edited 10-26-2003).]

dsheldon3
I think you have the wrong idea about me. One other thing, he didnt know she was married till I told him, the dinner date was to be a secret date AFTER her husband was GONE. My wife says he is just a regular saleman that she has not seen in YEARS. AND, the guy made MANY insults to OUR marriage. So, do you still think he just wants to be her "friend" . He also spoke PERFECT english til minutes after he realized she was indeed married and married to the guy standing next to her. And you said " Why would he ask her on a date while you are there ? " Are you kidding ?? Maybe because WE ARE MARRIED. Would you have your spouce make secret dates behind your back like to dinners where NOOOOO business is done. It means going to dinner, bars, walks along the water front, staying out late and NOOOOOO business whats so ever. Now, she did hide from him and didnt go, because of me, but did go out ===> with another single guy and a married woman. I DIDNT MIND or have ANY problem with that. The ones she went out with didnt act so obvious and rude. Nor did they get into OUR marriage and make flirty and bad comments about her moving to the USA with her husband.No did they plan on innapropriate meeting locations or have the rudness to act like a dog in heat with the husband right there. Maybe you wouldnt mind some woman throwing themself of your husband. Maybe you have an "open" marriage. We have a traditional ONE on ONE marriage.

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

LOL !!!! No, I would not like it.And you should not put up with it,but you need to explain to your wife that its NOT because you don't trust her,but that you don't trust the other guy to keep his hands off.But remember by telling her this you are accusing of her of not being mature enough to choose her own friends and that she doesn't know who is safe and who is unsafe which is an insult to her character.

to dsheldon3
Dont you think its also dangerous to "tease" a man into giving him signals that she doesnt mind insults to her marriage and willingness to meet at hotels etc.... There are men, who, take what seems to be given to them. I see this as NOT only an insult to our marriage what she approved of, but, a very unsafe act. Inviting obvious people like this to meet at her hotel ?? To be willing to meet him after her husband is gone ? Letting him know, its ok to talk badly about her husband ? Would you let your daughter meet a guy like this at your daughters hotel after her husband is gone ? Would you think it was nice if your husband did this. Mind you, it was a surprise visit as well, and before I got there, he was supposed to be writing "business" email, but was asking her to "risk jeapordy" and have a secret dinner with him.
My wife did end up instead , going out with two other REAL friends, one was a single guy. I didnt mind that at all. This other guy was just a sleeze bag looking for a good time.
These "business" dinners have NOOOOO business done. Its going out to bars, resturants etc..... Ive been to them.
So, bottom line. Do you approve of a "spouce" acting in this mannor or not ? Im getting mixed messages from you ?

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw her. It was very rude to speak in a language that she knew you could not understand. Kick her to the curb. She will only hurt you!

I suggest you divorce your wife and marry me.I'd love to have a man with your views as my husband. http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/biggrin.gif http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wink.gif


Originally posted by Needhelpnow:
to dsheldon3
Dont you think its also dangerous to "tease" a man into giving him signals that she doesnt mind insults to her marriage and willingness to meet at hotels etc.... There are men, who, take what seems to be given to them. I see this as NOT only an insult to our marriage what she approved of, but, a very unsafe act. Inviting obvious people like this to meet at her hotel ?? To be willing to meet him after her husband is gone ? Letting him know, its ok to talk badly about her husband ? Would you let your daughter meet a guy like this at your daughters hotel after her husband is gone ? Would you think it was nice if your husband did this. Mind you, it was a surprise visit as well, and before I got there, he was supposed to be writing "business" email, but was asking her to "risk jeapordy" and have a secret dinner with him.
My wife did end up instead , going out with two other REAL friends, one was a single guy. I didnt mind that at all. This other guy was just a sleeze bag looking for a good time.
These "business" dinners have NOOOOO business done. Its going out to bars, resturants etc..... Ive been to them.
So, bottom line. Do you approve of a "spouce" acting in this mannor or not ? Im getting mixed messages from you ?

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-26-2003).]

someone said something about not trusting the guy, but trusting the wife. this sounds like something my fiance has said to me before. im a very loyal fiance though, and i would never act on any guy making moves on me. but to me, when he says that he doesnt trust the guys but he does trust me, it's still a slap in the face. when he says that he doesnt trust the guys, he's still saying he doesnt trust me, b/c no matter how much a guy may come at me, he should trust that ill do the right thing and not act on it. which is exactly what i do if and when it happens.

however, you do need to follow your gut on the siuation. also, since ive been w/ my fiance, i have not been out to dinner or lunch w/ any males, for business etc. i respect my fiance enough to not put myself in awkward situation.

so in answer to your questions, yes i do think she was a bit out of line. maybe if she was just your gf it MIGHT be okay, but she's your wife. her behavior seems a little inappropriate to me.

good luck,
mary

Needhelpnow....if she was a good wife she wouldn't put herself in a situation like this. It sounds like she enjoys the attention from another man. ( I am not saying she is cheating) For them to change their perfect English to Spanish in front of you is very wrong and disrespectful to you. Be careful with a woman like this. Sounds like she needs some sort of drama in her life whether you are there or not. It doesn't sound like she is being honest to you either. I am sorry you have to go through this. In my opinion what she is doing is wrong. The only reason I ever talked in Spanish to my friends in front of others who couldn't was so they could not hear what I was trying to say. No other reason for it. I was in high school then. Better think twice about this game she is playing with you. Good luck-Roni

Yes, thanks. She is actually mad at me ???? I dont get it. I think she is embarrassed she got caught and doesnt know what to say. She does think that "Every Married Woman" acts in this way (1)Changing to another language in front of the husband (2) Inviting salesmen to meet her at her hotel as soon as her husband is gone (3) Letting men say bad things about her marital and plans to move from her country with her husband (4) Letting ANY man get involved in her love life, let alone a traveling salesman (5)Telling a man its OK to make secret dinner plans with her and show it doesnt matter if she is married or not (6)Not standing up for her own self respect and marriage with some guy clearly looking for his own pleasure.
This guy will never respect her as a married woman now that she has let him get away with this. There is a new person t her work that is taking over my wifes position when she moves here. Ive politly asked if this new person can start dealing with him, since it it the new persons job. And if she can just stop the personal interaction with him. She refuses to her personal conection with this sleezy guy, even though soon she will be moving here and not working where she is now. She thinks this guy did not do anything wrong ( But later says that NONE of her guy friends would ever act like him ) So, do you think she just likes the attention as some have suggested ??
Do you think she should cut off future contact with this guy to give us a better future as husband and wife ?
Thanks to ALL and dsheldon3. I was a little worried by your first comment LOL. Maybe you needed more of the details that I posted now. She did give her word that she would NO longer do these conventions with out bringing me in the future. I plan to hold her to this promise.

You are obviously not blind....just having a hard time taking this in. Personally, I would never do this to my dh. I love to get attention but not like that. She is totally disrespecting you....I don't care what country she is coming from. She has no business being mad at you. Ask her how would she feel if you had done the same thing to her? If she says it wouldn't bother her then maybe she doesn't really love you like she should as a wife.

[This message has been edited by roni624 (edited 10-26-2003).]

I'm speaking as a married businesswoman:
1. The speaking in Spanish in front of you was rude rude rude and I would have said something right there about it;
2. If her business success depends on secret liaisons at hotels, etc., then I would not put up with it. If anything, I make sure my husband meets any guys I have to work late with or something so that he knows eveything and everyone and knows I am upfront.

If I were you and intended to continue to work on this relationship, I would sign up for a Spanish class in your community. (a Continuing Education class at a nearby college, a community Spanish outreach, after hours high school class, etc.)
If I really were in your shoes I would be getting into some serious marriage counseling. If you don't want to lock her up so she can't speak to men, and she thinks she can carry on a social life with men you don't know, obviously there need to be some ground rules. A counselor can help find the right fit that both people can agree with. If they can't or won't agree, then that leads to decision time.
This is kind of a really bad situation that I'm not sure will change very soon...

Thanks Mouse62 and HoosierBj
To Mouse62 and HoosierBj, thank you very much. This "business dinner" has NOOOOO business done at it. Only recently, VERY recently she did hint at admitting its not actually "business" but wouldnt out right say it.Still trying to hint that it was business later again. Ive been to these "business dinners" with her. NOT one time was business EVER done. We went to places like the hard Rock Cafe, walking along the water, shopping late at night at tourist places, looking into Hooters, playing together. She said, because I found out, she avoided this guy. Even though she was foolish enough to freely hand out her "Hotel" address to tell him to meet her there AFTER her husband was gone. I should also say, her brother who works the SAME company and was there, was NEVER "personally" invited to go to dinner with this traveling salesman. It was ALWAYS directed in private, by email and in Spanish to my WIFE. In my wifes business there is a person taking over her position ( because she is moving here to the USA with me ) but, SHE REFUSES to cut off her relationship with this guy, even though its the job of the new guy at her office now. She WONT set a limit with this "traveling salesman" and wont even say she will stop with the "social" and stay STRICT business and NOT meet with him ANY more like this. She had attended these things before and there alwys seems to be some story why she is having to stay out till late at night, and go to dinner with anyone that seems to ask. She tells me. Im sorry I dont know how to say "no" to a boy.
I love her sooooo much and I dont want anyone else. My daughter loves her like a Mom. I just want her to STOP and focus on OUR relationship and stop all the nonsense and excuses why she "HAS to accept dinner dates" etc especially with jerks like this guy
... How can she let some other man get involved to make comments about if she should move with her husband, how he knows she wont like it, asking her, emailing her and asking her to meet him for dinner if she is willing to " Risk Jeapordy" by seeing him, and my wife seemingly willing to go along with it and use her hotel as a meeting location "after" the husband is gone. Speaking in Spanish minutes after he figures out that she is married and Im her husband. This guy was there for SEVERAL days when I was there. He NEVER gave a personal invite to ME to come with. He never gave a personal INVITE to her brother who was also there. He NEVER emailed her brother to go to dinner. It was ALWAYS directed to my WIFE in Private.
Oh, and since I found out, my wife ended up going out early with another single guy and a married woman BEFORE this guy was to show up at her hotel.These were her "real" friends she said. I didnt complain at all because these people were very polite, my wife made an effort for me to meet them / know them, and to them, she introduced me as her husband. She also spoke ENGLISH with them when I was there as well. Her TWO real friends also seemed to take an interest in "knowing" her husband and spoke to me often.They NEVER said ANYTHING bad about us and seemed HAPPY of us as a couple. SHE DIDNT do the same with this scub bag traveling salesman. This traveling salesman also had NO respect for her as a married woman.He NEVER seemed to have ANY interest in her husband and only minimal polite interest in her brother, who works for the SAME small family company as my wife does.She even went on to tell me on the phone that NONE of her guy friends would act like this traveling salesman does. But, again, she tries to say this is ALL NORMAL BEHAVIOR of a "Married Woman"

Originally posted by mouse62:
I'm speaking as a married businesswoman:
1. The speaking in Spanish in front of you was rude rude rude and I would have said something right there about it;
2. If her business success depends on secret liaisons at hotels, etc., then I would not put up with it. If anything, I make sure my husband meets any guys I have to work late with or something so that he knows eveything and everyone and knows I am upfront.

THANKS !!!!!!!!! This was refreshing to know that NOT "ALL MARRIED WOMEN ARE LIKE THAT" , like my wife told to me.

Originally posted by Greenberry:
I don't think that making dates with other men is appropriate for a married woman. I think most married men wouldn't put up with it. But if you want to stick around, maybe you should learn Spanish ASAP and see if you can figure out what's going on, like you don't already know!!!

Thank you for your honest and unbias opinion !

Originally posted by HoosierBj:
If I were you and intended to continue to work on this relationship, I would sign up for a Spanish class in your community. (a Continuing Education class at a nearby college, a community Spanish outreach, after hours high school class, etc.)
If I really were in your shoes I would be getting into some serious marriage counseling. If you don't want to lock her up so she can't speak to men, and she thinks she can carry on a social life with men you don't know, obviously there need to be some ground rules. A counselor can help find the right fit that both people can agree with. If they can't or won't agree, then that leads to decision time.
This is kind of a really bad situation that I'm not sure will change very soon...


Thank you for your unbias opinion !!! I do NOT believe in OPEN marriages and I do love her and I hope she stops doing this. I really do love her.

Needhelpnow...where is she now?

I don't understand her way of thinking. To me it is just selfish of her to be behaving this way. I have a friend of mine that is a flight attendant(her husband works w/my husband. She is gone a lot and she does a lot of things her husband does not know about. I don't think she tells me everything she does but she does go out to eat and to night clubs and parties with these men she meets on the plane. I know her husband has no clue because I know for a fact he would not tolerate this from her. She is drop dead gorgeous and she knows it. She loves the attention and says it is all in fun....but I just can't seem to agree with her on that. I could understand if she was single but she is not. True marriage is all about respect and honor. If she is not willing to understand the meaning of that then maybe she may not be the one for you. I know you love her very much and this has to hurt...but is this something that you will be able to live with in the future if she chooses to continue her behavior? She may say there is nothing wrong with what she is doing but deep inside she has to know it is wrong. I hope you are able to work things out.-Roni

Originally posted by roni624:
Needhelpnow...where is she now?

I don't understand her way of thinking. To me it is just selfish of her to be behaving this way. I have a friend of mine that is a flight attendant(her husband works w/my husband. She is gone a lot and she does a lot of things her husband does not know about. I don't think she tells me everything she does but she does go out to eat and to night clubs and parties with these men she meets on the plane. I know her husband has no clue because I know for a fact he would not tolerate this from her. She is drop dead gorgeous and she knows it. She loves the attention and says it is all in fun....but I just can't seem to agree with her on that. I could understand if she was single but she is not. True marriage is all about respect and honor. If she is not willing to understand the meaning of that then maybe she may not be the one for you. I know you love her very much and this has to hurt...but is this something that you will be able to live with in the future if she chooses to continue her behavior? She may say there is nothing wrong with what she is doing but deep inside she has to know it is wrong. I hope you are able to work things out.-Roni

Her VISA was just approved and in VERY few months will be moving here. I want us to be a life long family with her looking to me for her attention. I want us to be BEST friends, soul mates in life. To show sooooo much love that scum bags like this guy would realize he needs to move on and work on someone elses wife. I am VERY attentive to her. I write cards, letters, gifts, email Im sure, 5-10 times as much as her. When we are together I give her all my atention and my eyes never drift away to other women. I try hard to give her ALL the attention she needs. I always let her know where I am through emails and she is able to contact me 24 hours a day through internet alpha ( written messages on my pager ) ALL my phone numbers so she feels safe with me. I dont mind doing ANY of this because I want her to fel safe. I dont go out and date other women. I dont even hang out with other women. I work, visit family, play with my daughter, hang out at home and now preparing our home for her move here. Im VERY devoted to her and ANYONE that knows me, knows my wife. I carry pictures and show everyone I know. My wife, is much less likely to be quite as open about me. For example, with this traveling salesman.


[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-27-2003).]

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-27-2003).]

That is so wrong. I used to be this way to someone who was the same as you. We were never married but had been together for 7 years. He doted on me like crazy. I just took advantage of him because I knew he would always be there. I really didn't care about his feelings and yes I did date other guys. I loved the excitement of a guy trying to convince me to forget about my bf(but then again I was at the age of 16-23yrs of age; very immature) He put up with a lot of my bs for many years. Then one year I met my husband and dropped my bf like if he wasw nothing. I didn't cry or even felt bad for him. It was Valentines Day and he had brought me flowers and a gift and I just told him I didn't love him anymore and that I had to go because I already had plans for that evening. It didn't hurt to leave him because he kept forgiving me. I just lost respect for him. He was a good guy. Never did anything wrong. Would drive 2 1/2 hrs every weekend to see me. I did some cold things to him and he kept me. To this day I don't even think about him nor care about him. I have been with my husband for almost 8 yrs now and I would never dare try pulling the things I did to my ex back then. I left my ex for him.

I guess what I am trying to say is if you keep puting up with her behavior she may lose respect for you all together.-Roni

Well, I gotta say she is definitely not acting like "all" married women! I agree with some that she needs to be allowed to have her own life and that you shouldn't expect her to stop socialising with all guys, but this situation seems to go far beyong mere "socialising"!

Going for an occasional drink with an opposite-sex friend is not cheating, and all friends are entitled to give their opinions on their friends' decisions (especially when they are as important as moving to another country!!!) but when said "friend" keeps badmouthing you in front of you, and keeps trying to talk her out of moving in with you and insists on talking to her in a language he knows you don't understand, and she insists on having ONLY one-on-one dates with him, refuses to let people know she is married (HELLOOOO - OBVIOUS sign there! Only people who want to give an "I am free for romance and more" signal deliberately lie to others to cover the fact that they're involved or even MARRIED!!!) and arranges dates with this guy deliberately behind your back then this is more than just a little bit FISHY!

If he was just a friend they would have NO problem whatsoever to meet up when you are there, she would have been honest with him (and everyone else) about being married and she would not have made this such a secret!

If I were you I'd confront her well before she moves across and probably uses you to get at a Green Card - make sure you get someone to translate your reasoning into Spanish so she can't fob it off as a mere complication in language!

I know South Americans are supposedly more flirty and open but that's no reason to LIE to others about her marital status or to do/arrange these things BEHIND YOUR BACK! I have know a fair few people from Brazil and Venezuela in my time and, while much more open and cordial in friendly relationships than most, they most certainly did not act like THAT!

------------------
Redhead23

Female, 25

Quit smoking & left abusive relationship in 2003 - now there's just some 25 lbs to lose and my head to clear!

Possible ADD

Anxiety, panic attacks

This situation sounds very suspicious to me. I am not married, but I am in a serious live in relationship with my boyfriend. I would never do anything like that and neither would he. We live in Europe, he speaks French, I dont. He would never speak French in front of me with someone who spoke English. Its disrespectful of your wife to do that. Also, she should have defended your relationship to this guy. I dont understand why she would let him out your relationship down. How did she respond when he told her these things? Did she agree. She should have told him that YOUR relationship is not up for discussion, and she should have defended you and your relationship is avery nice, but blunt way. Also, to meet him right after you leave doesnt make sense either. Are you SURE she didnt meet him? You say she went out with other friends, are you sure shes not just telling you that?? Maybe she did meet with this guy after all, but she is telling you she didnt?? One last thing, if she is married, why would she not have told this man??? Out of respect for you, she should have told him that she was married, whether or not you were there with her! I suggest you look further into this because it all sounds too suspicious to me. Good luck!

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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

§ Mary §

Originally posted by XoThatGirlXoXo:
This situation sounds very suspicious to me. I am not married, but I am in a serious live in relationship with my boyfriend. I would never do anything like that and neither would he. We live in Europe, he speaks French, I dont. He would never speak French in front of me with someone who spoke English. Its disrespectful of your wife to do that. Also, she should have defended your relationship to this guy. I dont understand why she would let him out your relationship down. How did she respond when he told her these things? Did she agree. She should have told him that YOUR relationship is not up for discussion, and she should have defended you and your relationship is avery nice, but blunt way. Also, to meet him right after you leave doesnt make sense either. Are you SURE she didnt meet him? You say she went out with other friends, are you sure shes not just telling you that?? Maybe she did meet with this guy after all, but she is telling you she didnt?? One last thing, if she is married, why would she not have told this man??? Out of respect for you, she should have told him that she was married, whether or not you were there with her! I suggest you look further into this because it all sounds too suspicious to me. Good luck!



Thanks, its good to get a womans view. She is actually upset at ME because I was upset about this ????? I just dont get it ???? He says this is "normal" behavior for a married woman. This was a short convention, and in retrospect, it does seem odd, that this company "sent" this traveling salesman out to do business with everyone, but spent so much time, clearly not doing business at our booth, when they are guaranteed to buy their products anyway. It seems he used his companys money to pay for his plane money to play. I asked all the same questions as you, but sje doesnt want to talk about it. I asked why didnt he ask us ALL in open in a language we all understand. Why the dinner invite was always told to her in private. Why this traveling salesman wanted the date RIGHT after her husband was gone ? Why my wife would tell this guy to come to her Hotel as soon as her husband is gone ( about an hour after actually ). Why he would talk PERFECT english, then after I introduce myself as her husband, why would he change to spanish. Why would he email her, before HE EVEN MEETS ME, to ask her if she would be willing to "risk jeapordy" by going to dinner with him. The guy had NEVER even met me. If he was a friend, why wouldnt he want to go to dinner with ALL of us ? Why would my wife tolerate this traveling salesman from getting himself involved into HER married life ?

I personally think he had to switch gears since he wasnt expecting me at the convention and thats why he changed to Spanish, to "work on her for a date" and I wouldnt know. What do you think ?

Do you think my wife was clearly showing him, by not defending her marriage and her husband. Telling him to COME TO HER HOTEL, going along with talking Spanish so I couldnt understand and telling this guy she was willing to sneak out with him.

WERE ALL SIGNS THAT SHE IS WILLING TO DATE MEN BEHIND HER HUSBANDS BACK AND DO MORE WITH THEM ?? Do you think a guy could EASILY see this as a womans 'hint' that she is willing and wanting to sneak off with this man for a date, maybe more ?

She might.Better keep close tabs on her.Go with her to any meetings and shower her with so much affection that she won't even think about cheating.Thats the best you can do.

[This message has been edited by dsheldon3 (edited 10-28-2003).]

As a woman....that behavior is accepting anythig that comes her way. The whole "language switch" pretty much gave it away. If she thinks this totally acceptable behavior and she is not doing anything wrong then I really really really think you have ALOT to think about. Make sure she is not using you to get over here. No woman who cares for her man would treat him like this.-Roni

Whether or not the 2 of them had business together no longer seems to be the issue. Even if it was business, it was over the "boundaries". She did a lot of things she should not have done. Personally I think she was "inviting" him to invade on your marriage. By allowing him to talk badly about your marriage, that makes it seem as though she agrees. If he thinks shes not happy in her marriage, he thinks he has a chance. Of course your wife doesnt want to talk about it. Shes afraid she might slip up and tell you more, or she would rather drop it and hope you forget. Concidering you are married, you cant just leave, so you need to have a long talk about the boundaries. Be exact and make sure she KNOWS what is acceptable behavior and whats not. Then, if she continues to do things that she knows are not acceptable, that is when you need to concider leaving her or taking some kind of action.

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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cant change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

§ Mary §

Dude, what's with you? Tell me you just didn't stand there while they were speaking spanish rudely in front of you and you didn't nip it in the butt right there? If she is cheating you let it happened right in front of your face? In my opinion I don't feel that's proper behavior for a wholesome wife. She doesn't have respect for you. You need to think about your life with this woman who doesn't respect you, lies to you, and lives a double life. You are not being paranoid you are being played, buddy! Check your chick!!

Originally posted by junalo:
Dude, what's with you? Tell me you just didn't stand there while they were speaking spanish rudely in front of you and you didn't nip it in the butt right there? If she is cheating you let it happened right in front of your face? In my opinion I don't feel that's proper behavior for a wholesome wife. She doesn't have respect for you. You need to think about your life with this woman who doesn't respect you, lies to you, and lives a double life. You are not being paranoid you are being played, buddy! Check your chick!!

Well, there had been some questionable stories and very late nights outs when she went out to other conventions with out me, pretending to be at her hotel( She and this guy didnt know that I was planning to show up ). She asked me to trust her, and so, I decided to surprise her. She also gave her word to me that she would not do EXACTLY what she did anyway.Still she asked me to trust her. Even though I felt the activity was VERY unusual for "business" I didnt say anything. When she slipped about this guy asking her to dinner, followed by some honesty in the bad things he had said in Spanish and about our marriage, him asking her again to have dinner with her when I was gone, everything became more clear. She has since PROMISED never to go on these events now, with out me with her the entire convention. Im willing to keep us together as long as she keeps this promise. I dont understand how she can say this was "NORMAL" for married women to do.


[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-28-2003).]

Originally posted by dsheldon3:
She might.Better keep close tabs on her.Go with her to any meetings and shower her with so much affection that she won't even think about cheating.Thats the best you can do.

[This message has been edited by dsheldon3 (edited 10-28-2003).]

Well, she gave her WORD that she would never attend these kinds of events with out me with her. Because of this, Im still with her. I do love her. I know she loves me. She just doesnt understand limits and boundries like MANY have mentioned.

I hope she doesn't lie to you about these events now. This has to be tough on you.-Roni

I hope so as well. It just strikes me as odd that she would think, or at least say that this is "Normal" behavior of all married women. PLUS, she acts mad at me ????? And is very afraid to give any additional details of this event or past or future events with this person. Is all very strange. She did give her word that she would "Never" attend events like this with out me in the future, but seems to want to get me to stop asking questions and let this blow over. Again, seeming VERY "worried" to answer any other details.

[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-29-2003).]

Originally posted by cutup:
I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw her. It was very rude to speak in a language that she knew you could not understand. Kick her to the curb. She will only hurt you!

I hope so as well. It just strikes me as odd that she would think, or at least say that this is "Normal" behavior of all married women. PLUS, she acts mad at me ????? And is very afraid to give any additional details of this event or past or future events with this person. Is all very strange. She did give her word that she would "Never" attend events like this with out me in the future, but seems to want to get me to stop asking questions and let this blow over. Again, seeming VERY "worried" to answer any other details.

Originally posted by XoThatGirlXoXo:
Whether or not the 2 of them had business together no longer seems to be the issue. Even if it was business, it was over the "boundaries". She did a lot of things she should not have done. Personally I think she was "inviting" him to invade on your marriage. By allowing him to talk badly about your marriage, that makes it seem as though she agrees. If he thinks shes not happy in her marriage, he thinks he has a chance. Of course your wife doesnt want to talk about it. Shes afraid she might slip up and tell you more, or she would rather drop it and hope you forget. Concidering you are married, you cant just leave, so you need to have a long talk about the boundaries. Be exact and make sure she KNOWS what is acceptable behavior and whats not. Then, if she continues to do things that she knows are not acceptable, that is when you need to concider leaving her or taking some kind of action.



Thanks so much. This is how I felt ( what you wrote above ) now, she does this ==> I hope so as well. It just strikes me as odd that she would think, or at least say that this is "Normal" behavior of all married women. PLUS, she acts mad at me ????? And is very afraid to give any additional details of this event or past or future events with this person. Is all very strange. She did give her word that she would "Never" attend events like this with out me in the future, but seems to want to get me to stop asking questions and let this blow over. Again, seeming VERY "worried" to answer any other details.

Originally posted by cutup:
I wouldn't trust as far as I could throw her. It was very rude to speak in a language that she knew you could not understand. Kick her to the curb. She will only hurt you!

I hope so as well. It just strikes me as odd that she would think, or at least say that this is "Normal" behavior of all married women. PLUS, she acts mad at me ????? And is very afraid to give any additional details of this event or past or future events with this person. Is all very strange. She did give her word that she would "Never" attend events like this with out me in the future, but seems to want to get me to stop asking questions and let this blow over. Again, seeming VERY "worried" to answer any other details.

I hate to say this but I think she may already be guilty of something. You are giving her quie the benefit of the doubt...but I think you already know what is going on and are having a hard time accepting it. We can all sit here and tell you that you are a fool for keeping her but only you can decide where your marriage to her will lead to. You need to ground yourself and tell her that she isn't the one who should be mad. There is no reason to talk a different language(that your husband doesn't know) to another man who knows perfect English already. That is SO WRONG. The only reason for that is to hide something. That is not healthy for your marriage. I don't you and I don't know her but I am not buying her story that she will not go to these events without you. You are here she is there...how would you ever know?---And her reason for being mad....is to turn the tables so you can get off her back.-Roni

If you would stop herassing your wife about it and start giving her more affection you'd be a lot better off.

Originally posted by dsheldon3:
If you would stop herassing your wife about it and start giving her more affection you'd be a lot better off.

I think I dont understand. Most of your advice has been right on the mark with everyone else. You said you would not like your spouce doing any of this, that you like a man with my views, and I think you even feel that this secret date was wrong, changing of languages and this traveling salesman trying to lessen the value of my wifes marriage was not right. As you can see, I never complained when she ended going out with the other single guy and the other girl. That guy she ended up going out with ( or at least she said she went out with these two "real" friends" spoke english , even though it was harder for them, were very supportive of us, NEVER tried to say any secrets, were very professional at the convention and were very polite and respectful of us at the convention ).
I give her TONS of affection. I send her flowers ( silk and real ), write her TONS of letters and cards, Call her VERY often. I do all these WAY more then she does for me. When we are together I shower her with attention. What ever we do, Im happy to do it with her. Im waiting till her VISA is approved and we are having a "second wedding" ( we had a legal and a very private religious one here in the USA) in her country REAL soon. I make her feel safe by giving her my text pager where she can reach me 24 hours a day via internet, ALL my phone numbers and my familys numbers.
All Im asking for is the truth about the events that happened. If it was so benign wouldnt you think that she wouldnt be so worried to give me any more details ? Dont you think its strange that she is mad at me ? I simply dont know why she would be so paranoid to simply be honest, IF, it was nothing, then why not fess up ?? This guy was clearly up to something and his intentions do not seem honorable. I think he was thinking about his own pleasure maybe that night or in the future. Theres just no reason for someone like this to try to get this involved "over business". Clearly in his early email he wrote to her, he states " would you be willing to "risk jeapordy" in sneaking out to a dinner date with him. She said on IM that she had told this guy that she has a bad "BOYFRIEND" (she didnt say husband) and when I introduced myself as her husband at the convention ( because she seemed like she didnt want to introduce me to him )he seemed puzzeled like he had no idea she was married. VERY soon after that they changed to Spanish and she directed him to a little table with only TWO chairs for them. Her excuse later was " I dont know how to say "NO" to guys when they ask me out" !!!!!!
I have always been a VERY good botfriend, fiance and now husband to her. She is my world and my eyes are only for her. I would do anything for her and is the ONLY woman I ever let get close to my daughter. Im the ONLY boyfriend of hers that has ever traveled to her home country ( normally she had to visit them ) Ive given her more cards and flowers then ALLL her other boyfriends put together. We spend EVERY vacation together ( well, as many as we can ). I wore a wedding band before we were even really married as she said was custom in her country ? And now that we have been maried for 8-9 months, ONLY take it off when I absolutly need to ( which is VERY rare ). I carry pictures of my wife and daughter and show everyone ( something that my X says I do MUCH MUCH more then she does ).
If this was YOUR husband, would you at least want to know the truth and the depth of what may have ( at past conventions )or what was planned to happen ? The truth is all Im asking for. And some williness to hear this kind of stuf wont happen anymore. She did say she would never attend these conventions with out me. That helped alot.



[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-30-2003).]

If this was YOUR husband, would you at least want to know the truth and the depth of what may have ( at past conventions )or what was planned to happen ? [QUOTE]

Yes, I would.And if he didn't tell me I would assume the worst.It almost seems obvious to me that she may very well have messed around on you.And if she did it once, she will probably do it again.I'm happy to hear of all the showering of affection.The only thing I can suggest is that you both discuss her getting a different job that doesn't make her vulnerable to these kinds of situations.It doesn't look like things could workout the way they are unless you can keep tabs on her 24 hours a day.

YOu sound like a very intense man, and that you obviously move her very much. Perhaps this intensity is too much for her so she is beginning to pull away from you?

If she wont go to marriage guidance I would suggest you still go yourself. If she sees you doing this it may nake her nake more of an efforct too or it may help you understand everything from another point of view (from someone that probably has listened to similar stories and can advise better). It maybe that this could be the end of the relationship and that a counsellor could help you to come to terms with it. It could be a cultural missunderstanding, is ther much of age gap between you? Have either of you been married before? Is this a behaviour problem that either of you are bringing from previous rleationships and reenacting?

Originally posted by heymeester:
YOu sound like a very intense man, and that you obviously move her very much. Perhaps this intensity is too much for her so she is beginning to pull away from you?

If she wont go to marriage guidance I would suggest you still go yourself. If she sees you doing this it may nake her nake more of an efforct too or it may help you understand everything from another point of view (from someone that probably has listened to similar stories and can advise better). It maybe that this could be the end of the relationship and that a counsellor could help you to come to terms with it. It could be a cultural missunderstanding, is ther much of age gap between you? Have either of you been married before? Is this a behaviour problem that either of you are bringing from previous rleationships and reenacting?

So, what you are saying is that if you are married, you would approve of your spouce meeting people at thier hotel AFTER the Husband/Wife has gone away ?? How is that "Normal" cultural to ANY culture ?
You would say its Ok to change languages so that someone could talk badly about you ( yes, she told me he did that ) flirt and weaken your spouses will that they would be willing to go on a secret date after your gone ? Would you want your spouce meeting individual persons of the opposite sex at Hotels AFTER you are gone ? Why do you think he didnt want to have dinner when I was there ( PS, He NEVER met me and only then found out she was married ). Would you like people of the opposite sex asking your spouce out to secret dinners in a foreign language, and have them smile like nothing is going on ? How about if you were standing next to your spouce and they begin to talk in a foreign language then walk away from you to a private table with only two chairs ( and do that for 2 days ). Oh, by the way, they BOTH didnt know I would be there. So, I think thats another reason he didnt know what to do other then change languages. Im actually a very calm person, but I also think that we have certain loyalities we have when we marry someone. Marriage is alot different then two 16 year olds going to the prom ( dance ) together. There are certain acceptable 'values' that should be expected when one says "I do".

So, you are saying that you would accept someone YOUR married to to do these things when ever they are away from you ? Then to try to lie about it and refuse to give any more details ?



[This message has been edited by Needhelpnow (edited 10-30-2003).]

Hello! I feel very compassionate for you and your situation as I too have had troubles in the first 1 year of marriage but it was due to both parties in my situation. I can say that if your wife loves you she would stop doing the things that she has been doing to you, My husband was going to leave me because I wanted to go out and party all the time and there were other males there alot of times, How ever I was not secretive of where I was or who was there I even often asked my husband to go with me. I changed because I love my husband dearly and I put this man through hell for so called friends and parting. I even told him that I had cheated on him for 3 months and that I know I was wrong to do so but him (husband)and I were not happy together and had no buisness getting married at the time that we did both of us were not ready for the committment and now it has been 3 years since then and our marriage is stronger and 100000x better than before. I would have to say that it appears to me that your wifes not wanting to be honest and her actions lead me to believe that there is a little more going on than she is willing to admitt to. I would advise you to stop being Mr. nice guy and tell her like it is either she will love you more for it or she will leave which it may be in your best intrest if she is not willing to change as my husband told me his love can only take him so far before it starts to end and if I did not change or would not try to change then our marriage together had to end because he could not take it any more and we both were a bad husband and wife to one another and we changed and learned what it truly meant to be a happily married couple though it was hard we made it and so can you and her. infedility is a bad thing and it depends on the couple if they can work it out and see past it. I am not saying that she is cheating but all her actions are dishonest and if she can not say no to a man when he ask her out or she doesn't want people to know that you are married I think that her reasons are due to unfaithfulness to you and your marriage. Have you ever thought that maybe she only married you so that she could come to America and get away from her own life in her old country? Maybe it was for your money also. You seem like a wonderful man and you and your daughter deserve to be happy and to have a woman in your lives that can be a devoted wife and mother

Hello! I donot understand why your wife is behaving in this manner. No this is not the way a married woman should act and she is being very secretive and defensive on the subject it would concern me too if I were you. I also had a very rough 1 st year of marriage the only thing is the both of us were not being a good wife or husband to one another and we realized that we were not ready and should have waited but we worked things out because we did truly loved one another and did not want to continue putting one another through hell so we both made changes with in ourselves and we are 100000x happier and our marriage is strong and working. My husband gave me a choice as I did him either straighten up or this marriage is going to end and there was even infidelity I am not proud to say on both parts because our marriage was so bad. If your wife truly loves you she will change her ways and try to be honest with you even if it hurts you. I donot understand why she does not want others to know that you two are married right there is a major red flag and if she can not say no to dates with other guys what else is she doing that she can not say no to? I donot want to pass judgement on her but do you think that she only married you so that she could stay in the country or for your money? There are a lot of women from foreign countries that do this to men not saying that this is her reason but is it possible? You seem like a good person and you and your little girl deserve happiness and a wife and mother who is both good and devoted to you both. If you can stand the pain then keep trying to work it out but if she is not making any efforts and refuses too than you need to leave her alone and divorce her as I know that this is easier said than done but love only goes so far and she's really pushing it in my eyes. Good Luck and take care

I do not think that was appropriate At All talking in a different language right in front of you, when they can speak English just as well. And putting down your marriage to her. What business is it of his?? Why would she allow him to talk like that to her?? And referring to you as her boyfriend in the emails?? Why? Your her HUSBAND!
Follow your instincts, they sound pretty loud and clear! She's not respecting you at all and your marriage.
I think if you do love her, you should talk to her, and she really should come clean with what that really was all about. Then you need to decide from there if you should forgive her.
You shouldn't let it go, otherwise, not only will you be okaying her behavior, she'll think it's okay to keep doing whatever she was doing, maybe with others.
You don't want to allow yourself to be treated like that.

[QUOTE=Pootsi]I do not think that was appropriate At All talking in a different language right in front of you, when they can speak English just as well. And putting down your marriage to her. What business is it of his?? Why would she allow him to talk like that to her?? And referring to you as her boyfriend in the emails?? Why? Your her HUSBAND!
Follow your instincts, they sound pretty loud and clear! She's not respecting you at all and your marriage.



And what if I find out she has more secrets with this other guy ? Somehow, I have a feeling she has some more secrets with this "vulture" I say this because of the way he was "hanging out" at the convention waiting for her husband to leave. I feel she need to completely END this reelationship and ANY contact with him forever because of this. Am I wrong ?

[And what if I find out she has more secrets with this other guy ? Somehow, I have a feeling she has some more secrets with this "vulture" I say this because of the way he was "hanging out" at the convention waiting for her husband to leave. I feel she need to completely END this reelationship and ANY contact with him forever because of this. Am I wrong ?[/QUOTE]

What the hell is YOUR problem??!! This woman is being deceitful, hiding things, not respecting you and causing you pain and grief by turning you into an insecure blob - realize that you 2 need a serious heart to heart talk and probably marriage counceling - and if this doesn't work, kick her to the curb. Put you foot down and be a man!

Of course you have the right to feel that way, and you should tell her.
From what you said about the awful experience you went through, it sure sounds suspicious.
I do hope you talk to her and maybe go get some marriage counciling to help communicate with each other. Could he be an ex-boyfriend?
I don't know what to tell you, unless Im in your shoes.
You really need to tell her that you can't go on without knowing what that was all about.
It may help to talk about it in front of a marriage councilor, just to help straighten things out, without any manipulating.
Good luck to you!

Thanks. Again, she tells me, that this kind of behavior is "Normal" of a married woman.

What on earth does she mean by "this kind of behavior is normal for married woman"? What behavior??
Cheating? Being sneaky? Treating her husband with disrespect? No, I don't think so!
You aught to say,"Do I have DUMB written across my
forehead or something"?.
Come on, she sounds manipulative, and it seems to be working on you.
You aught to write things down when she does it from now on, things that look suspicious like what happened, and look over it.
Just from her saying that this kind of behavior is normal for a married woman sounds like she doesn't respect you, like your dumb or something.
Im a married woman (happily, on both sides), and that is Not normal behavior for me to be like for sure.
Im sorry, but being married, everything should always be out in the open with each other, you should be able to have no questions about trust with one another.
Have some trust in yourself, you know when something isn't right, otherwise you wouldn't be this concerned.
Well, I hope things get better somehow. If not, don't let yourself be use to being treated bad, over and over with excuses of all kinds. No one deserves that! Get away from it, and start building up your self esteem.
Good luck!

Thanks. I agree with you Mouse62 and with everyone else. There is just something VERY VERY fishy about this whole story that my wife has given me.

Im sorry for sounding mean, Im not trying to be towards you, it just makes me angry, cuz you seem so good and innocent, and she seems to not be very nice at all to you:(
Poots-

Im sorry for sounding mean, Im not trying to be towards you, it just makes me angry, cuz you seem so good and innocent, and she seems to not be very nice at all to you:(
Poots-


Thanks. You are not being mean. This is what I wanted. I truly WANTED to know what the average person would think if they were told such a "story" by someone they love or were married to. You are right, this has hurt me. I am so devoted as a husband.

Hello! I sure hope that you get the answers to your questions from her soon. I really think that she is lucky to still have you in her life after all she has been putting you through and you must truley love her alot to keep torturing yourself . All I have to say is that you desrve better than this and if she loves you she will come clean and stop doing what ever she is doing with that man. I donot understand why she is doing the things that she is but it is not the behavior or actions of a wife that loves you and is committed to you. I really feel that you have to ask yourself if this marriage is worth staying in anymore and though it hurts sometimes you just have to let go and your wife does not seem like she's willing to change for you or the relationship at all. I really feel that she is hiding more than what she says from you. Why else would she not want others to know that you two are married? Why does she not speak english with him when you are there? Why does she have to lie about where she is at or going? I really feel for you and I think you already know the answers to your suspicions in your heart and that you just donot want to except the fact that she is being disloyal in many ways. I wish you the best of luck with this situation and in life. You seem to be a nice loving and devoted husband and you need someone in your life that is going to give you the same respect, love and devotion that you give to her and this relationship if that is what you choose to call it is very one way. Take care and you will know what to do when the time is right, if you choose to stay things will only get worse for you because she aleady knows that whatever she does you are going to put up with it and she will just keep on walking on you til you can not take it anymore and there's no life or self esteem left in you

Well, I recently found out that she lied to me and was with him at a previous convention that she had sworn that she did NOT see him at all during this time.

How did you find out that she lied to you? I think she is cheating on you, and you need to confront her. Even if she is not cheating, she has definately over stepped the boundaries. Dont let her get away with behavior like that! No wonder why she wanted to avoid talking about it. I knew there was more to the story than that! There is probably a lot more that you dont know also. You need to find out what is going on.

Needhelpnow,
She is playing you like a fool and you are permitting her to do so. Most everyone here told you that her actions are not indicitive of a good wife, or any "wife" for that matter. You keep telling us the same info over and over again. "Risk ..." Smell the java...... its been brewed for some time now. :yawn:
Marilyn