I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago. The diagnosis means nothing, and I've come to know that I'm Nakai, and nothing less. I'm the one that gets to define what being Nakai is all about. It's kinda neat, actually. I've come to see myself as more than a victim of sexual and physical abuse. My online support groups call us survivors, but I don't really like the thought of simply surviving, either. I want to really live. I want to live with the vibrance of life that some only dream of. And I know I can live like that. PTSD is very debilitating, but I can be happy that the abuse, the worst of it, is already over. I still have flashbacks and nightmares, which are very discouraging, but I know that they will end. I feel silly, having childish fears, but they don't have to consume me. My past is terrifying, especially when I relive it, but it's only the past. I fear that if I let it consume me, it will become also my future. That, and living my life as I know I can, with all the joy there is to have, is sweet irony. It's exactly what I was always told I couldn't have or didn't deserve. Horrible things happen to wonderful people, and in our case, they come back to haunt us. Don't let your past steal your future. Don't let your agony be a shadow over the joy you once had and can have again. Don't be discouraged when the past comes back. It has never been your fault, nor your desire for this to happen to your or anyone else. Why should that change when you have a bad day? We all have bad days. Remember that your good days are proof that you can beat your past. You're the victor! Moments of despair aren't failure. They're something that has to happen for us to appreciate the glorious moments even more. You are beautiful, precious, and loved.
-Nakai