Pamk
06-15-2003, 04:43 AM
I, unfortunately have a toxic mother. I am better off when she is not in contact with me and vice versa. Something happens to me when I come into contact with her. She has lied and betrayed me and has gotten me into trouble with things. She has made my family turn against me and believe what she tells them. She also has tried to sway health professionals her way but thanks to the HIPAA laws she didn't stand a chance. There is a big anger problem here for me and I wish I could rid myself of the anger and hostility that I feel when I think of her. She is in "denial" that I have "mental illness" (depression and anxiety) and has never given me any credit as far as anything goes. She never gave me any credit or a pat on the back when it comes to how I take care of my daughter. I am only berated and put down and told that I should do it this way, not my way.
I guess this is more of a vent than anything but she is the cause of my PTSD. I was recently hospitalized and I had flashbacks of her shaking me and telling me how she was going to take me to "family court and give you away so that you can be a foster child..." I relive this on an almost daily basis. It hurts so bad and nothing is making it go away. I am 37 and I cannot seem to get rid of this anger and hurt.
Thanks for listening.
I guess this is more of a vent than anything but she is the cause of my PTSD. I was recently hospitalized and I had flashbacks of her shaking me and telling me how she was going to take me to "family court and give you away so that you can be a foster child..." I relive this on an almost daily basis. It hurts so bad and nothing is making it go away. I am 37 and I cannot seem to get rid of this anger and hurt.
Thanks for listening.
Sponsor
ffsmith
06-18-2003, 12:57 AM
My mother is the same in many ways.
She lies and steals form me. Tries to put me in jail and get me on the medications that she wants.
She also is part turning the family against me.
It sounds like your mother is probably worse than mine is however.
But it also sounds like you probably have more of a “life” than I do.
For me it is not so much one event, but I just can not get over the feeling that to my mother and father
I am a failure and a disappointment.
I can not get over the fact that they do not like me but that they like my brother and sisters.
That they think I have the “problem”
And that I am defective.
They have said this, and they have treated me like this all my life
Besides making me feel sad
It is all I know about myself.
It is the only way I know how to treat myself.
All I ever learned is that I am bad, defective looser, and failure
All I ever learned is how to hate me and attack me emotionally and mentally
Nobody ever showed me how to love me?
How do I do that?
How do I like me?
How do I be supportive of me?
Nobody demonstrated that to me.
All I know how to do is to attack and hate me,
I imitate my parents and I hate me.
She lies and steals form me. Tries to put me in jail and get me on the medications that she wants.
She also is part turning the family against me.
It sounds like your mother is probably worse than mine is however.
But it also sounds like you probably have more of a “life” than I do.
For me it is not so much one event, but I just can not get over the feeling that to my mother and father
I am a failure and a disappointment.
I can not get over the fact that they do not like me but that they like my brother and sisters.
That they think I have the “problem”
And that I am defective.
They have said this, and they have treated me like this all my life
Besides making me feel sad
It is all I know about myself.
It is the only way I know how to treat myself.
All I ever learned is that I am bad, defective looser, and failure
All I ever learned is how to hate me and attack me emotionally and mentally
Nobody ever showed me how to love me?
How do I do that?
How do I like me?
How do I be supportive of me?
Nobody demonstrated that to me.
All I know how to do is to attack and hate me,
I imitate my parents and I hate me.
Pamk
06-20-2003, 01:34 AM
You sound so much like me. Really. All of my life I was told how much of a failure I am, that I would be taken to family court and given away, brat, instigator, my sisters did nothing wrong, it was always me, of course. I was the trouble maker of the family. I have no life at all. My daughter is my life but she is not living here with me right now thanks to my mother and her plots and schemes to get me "help" but believe me I am helping myself without her and she will be the one who loses out.
I was just recently in the hospital as I said in my last post and they told me that I have to prove her wrong. You should prove them wrong too. Prove them all wrong. Get in counseling if you aren't and get better for no one else but yourself. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I am 37. I was always hated by my sisters. I am in the middle. Even my mother's parents didn't care for me much at all. I found a letter that my maternal grandmother wrote to my mother telling her to put me in a school for troubled kids. I was troubled but you know why? I needed love and I needed to learn how to love myself because no one showed me how to. You said the same thing in your post. No one showed you or taught you how to love yourself and now you hate yourself and that is really sad. I hate myself too but I try to make the best of what I have and most of the time it doesn't work and I spend many hours crying in the car or in my bed, wherever no neighbors will hear.
I am trying very hard to get better. With 37 years of trauma we can't expect it to happen overnight. Your parents and your family are the ones who are sick. They gave you your trauma and you need to get help for it if you aren't. You can get over this and so can I but we can't do it alone. You sound really sad and I can very much understand why. If it doesn't sound as though you have posttraumatic stress disorder I don't know what else, depression and anger too. I have lots of that. I take it out on myself and what does that do? It only scars me. It doesn't make my "mother" hurt, but me. It says up top No HATEFUL posts but this is post has hateful feelings because I very much hate my mother but I also want to get over it and over her.
I wish you luck. Don't give up. I refuse to give up. Do everything you can to prove them wrong. They are the ones with the problems but they hurt you and made you have problems. They are in denial. They pick on the weak or the black sheep and watch us squirm. My mother gets off on that stuff. She is sick. I would love to have her committed for a psych eval. What information they could find in her! Dreaming!
Don't give up. Best of luck to you.
Pam
I was just recently in the hospital as I said in my last post and they told me that I have to prove her wrong. You should prove them wrong too. Prove them all wrong. Get in counseling if you aren't and get better for no one else but yourself. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking? I am 37. I was always hated by my sisters. I am in the middle. Even my mother's parents didn't care for me much at all. I found a letter that my maternal grandmother wrote to my mother telling her to put me in a school for troubled kids. I was troubled but you know why? I needed love and I needed to learn how to love myself because no one showed me how to. You said the same thing in your post. No one showed you or taught you how to love yourself and now you hate yourself and that is really sad. I hate myself too but I try to make the best of what I have and most of the time it doesn't work and I spend many hours crying in the car or in my bed, wherever no neighbors will hear.
I am trying very hard to get better. With 37 years of trauma we can't expect it to happen overnight. Your parents and your family are the ones who are sick. They gave you your trauma and you need to get help for it if you aren't. You can get over this and so can I but we can't do it alone. You sound really sad and I can very much understand why. If it doesn't sound as though you have posttraumatic stress disorder I don't know what else, depression and anger too. I have lots of that. I take it out on myself and what does that do? It only scars me. It doesn't make my "mother" hurt, but me. It says up top No HATEFUL posts but this is post has hateful feelings because I very much hate my mother but I also want to get over it and over her.
I wish you luck. Don't give up. I refuse to give up. Do everything you can to prove them wrong. They are the ones with the problems but they hurt you and made you have problems. They are in denial. They pick on the weak or the black sheep and watch us squirm. My mother gets off on that stuff. She is sick. I would love to have her committed for a psych eval. What information they could find in her! Dreaming!
Don't give up. Best of luck to you.
Pam
ffsmith
06-22-2003, 04:46 PM
My mother is cold and gets off on that stuff too.
She hates my dad. They went to a marriage counselor who told them with out a doubt to get a divorce.
She decided instead to stay with my father but to hate him, disrespect him and make his life hell.
He tells me that in 10 years that they have had sex 3 times.
All I know is he has a lot of porn and she has a stack of about 1000 romance novels
So yes they are not perfect either.
I am very sad. I want to kill myself.
Everyone says that that you should not kill yourself because that is just giving into you parents and giving them more power than they have.
Others say that you should not kill yourself because that will make you parents and family feel bad.
I do not really care about any of that however; I want to do it because I am really sad like you said.
But I would like to not give up too?
I know that they will never change and that I will never prove them wrong. At least not to the point where they say that they were wrong. They do not know how to say sorry or that they are wrong.
(I admit it is hard for me to --- having never seen them do it)
I do not know exactly how old I am. I have not kept track or celebrated a birthday since grade school.
I was born in ’71 and my birthday is in about 3 weeks that is all I know.
She hates my dad. They went to a marriage counselor who told them with out a doubt to get a divorce.
She decided instead to stay with my father but to hate him, disrespect him and make his life hell.
He tells me that in 10 years that they have had sex 3 times.
All I know is he has a lot of porn and she has a stack of about 1000 romance novels
So yes they are not perfect either.
I am very sad. I want to kill myself.
Everyone says that that you should not kill yourself because that is just giving into you parents and giving them more power than they have.
Others say that you should not kill yourself because that will make you parents and family feel bad.
I do not really care about any of that however; I want to do it because I am really sad like you said.
But I would like to not give up too?
I know that they will never change and that I will never prove them wrong. At least not to the point where they say that they were wrong. They do not know how to say sorry or that they are wrong.
(I admit it is hard for me to --- having never seen them do it)
I do not know exactly how old I am. I have not kept track or celebrated a birthday since grade school.
I was born in ’71 and my birthday is in about 3 weeks that is all I know.
Pamk
06-23-2003, 12:49 AM
I am sorry you have the same kind of rotten parents that I have. I have wanted to die for a long time but I can't give up. I feel that in the future somewhere there will be happiness and that gives me hope. It sounds like you are really depressed and I can tell why, so am I. If I were to kill myself it would only make my parents and other family members talk about how "sick" I was and what a pity it was that I didn't "get the help" that I needed, blah, blah, blah. I had two cousins kill themselves and it hurts the family more than anything. This was years ago but the mother and sister are the only ones left and it still haunts them. I feel that is a selfish way to go and there has to be hope for people who feel so sad and depressed and just not worth trying to live anymore.
Are you on meds? I am on a bunch. They help at times but I end up sleeping my days and nights away most times and wake up about 5 pm some days and then stay up until maybe 2 am and then the cycle continues again. It isn't much of a life but I am living. I have a child and eventually I hope to get her back. She hasn't been with me for about a month or so. That is one reason why I will never trust my parents again. I hate my mother with a passion but as bad as the fantasies are about what I could do I would never because I have to live MY life the best I can and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in prison or worse.
I often wonder what it will be like after she dies. If I will miss her or if I will be relieved. My grandmother (her mother) didn't like me very much at all and when she died I didn't shed a tear. I can see that happening with me when she dies. She has a long life ahead of her though probably because her own mother was about 94 when she died. She has about 20 more years or so.
There is a woman I know who has a mother like ours and she just deals with her and "uses humor" whatever that means so it doesn't get to her as much. I am too much of a softie and I cry too easily and let things get to me too easily.
Don't give up. It is too easy in one way but hard in others. I hope you get some help so you can get out of this somehow. I am going to counseling now once a week and although I don't really like it, it is helping a little tiny bit each time.
Pam
Are you on meds? I am on a bunch. They help at times but I end up sleeping my days and nights away most times and wake up about 5 pm some days and then stay up until maybe 2 am and then the cycle continues again. It isn't much of a life but I am living. I have a child and eventually I hope to get her back. She hasn't been with me for about a month or so. That is one reason why I will never trust my parents again. I hate my mother with a passion but as bad as the fantasies are about what I could do I would never because I have to live MY life the best I can and I don't want to spend the rest of my life in prison or worse.
I often wonder what it will be like after she dies. If I will miss her or if I will be relieved. My grandmother (her mother) didn't like me very much at all and when she died I didn't shed a tear. I can see that happening with me when she dies. She has a long life ahead of her though probably because her own mother was about 94 when she died. She has about 20 more years or so.
There is a woman I know who has a mother like ours and she just deals with her and "uses humor" whatever that means so it doesn't get to her as much. I am too much of a softie and I cry too easily and let things get to me too easily.
Don't give up. It is too easy in one way but hard in others. I hope you get some help so you can get out of this somehow. I am going to counseling now once a week and although I don't really like it, it is helping a little tiny bit each time.
Pam
ffsmith
06-23-2003, 02:28 AM
I do not think I would cry if my parents died either.
I probably would not feel relieved either.
And that is not healthy.
I am glad therapy is helping you a little.
I am thinking about changing therapist soon.
I wish you the best and your daughter
I probably would not feel relieved either.
And that is not healthy.
I am glad therapy is helping you a little.
I am thinking about changing therapist soon.
I wish you the best and your daughter
Pamk
06-23-2003, 03:39 AM
Hi again. If you are not getting anywhere with the therapist you have now then move on to another one. Every therapist has their own way of treating their patients and it doesn't always work for everyone plus there are others who are better than some!
I like that you are thinking about finding a different therapist because that really means that you want to keep trying. That is good. You know that too, right? Right now you sound very down and distraught. Don't give into that feeling and try, as hard as it is to keep going and maybe hopefully someday with the right meds and treatment you can pull through this. You are still very young. You have plenty of time to get better. I am older than you, 37 but I still want to think I have plenty of time too. Keep on trying.
Keep on posting.
Thank you for the well wishes for my daughter and I. I have a foster care woman coming here tomorrow to INSPECT my apartment. It is 2:37 AM and I am working. I cancelled her last week because I didn't want to face her but I can't do that today. She has to come and if I pass her inspection and interview they will recommend that I get my daughter back when we go to court on July 18th, or 17th, a Thursday anyhow. I have to try to put on a big happy act but I can tell you I am not happy and I just want these people to get the hell out of my life and leave me and my daughter alone. They pick on people who have mental illness but don't see that the people who did it to us are the ones who are "acting" normal, like my mother! She comes across to outsiders as so normal and it just makes me want to puke.
Try to get some rest and take care of you. Post again if you want. I will check back soon.
Pam
[This message has been edited by Pamk (edited 06-23-2003).]
I like that you are thinking about finding a different therapist because that really means that you want to keep trying. That is good. You know that too, right? Right now you sound very down and distraught. Don't give into that feeling and try, as hard as it is to keep going and maybe hopefully someday with the right meds and treatment you can pull through this. You are still very young. You have plenty of time to get better. I am older than you, 37 but I still want to think I have plenty of time too. Keep on trying.
Keep on posting.
Thank you for the well wishes for my daughter and I. I have a foster care woman coming here tomorrow to INSPECT my apartment. It is 2:37 AM and I am working. I cancelled her last week because I didn't want to face her but I can't do that today. She has to come and if I pass her inspection and interview they will recommend that I get my daughter back when we go to court on July 18th, or 17th, a Thursday anyhow. I have to try to put on a big happy act but I can tell you I am not happy and I just want these people to get the hell out of my life and leave me and my daughter alone. They pick on people who have mental illness but don't see that the people who did it to us are the ones who are "acting" normal, like my mother! She comes across to outsiders as so normal and it just makes me want to puke.
Try to get some rest and take care of you. Post again if you want. I will check back soon.
Pam
[This message has been edited by Pamk (edited 06-23-2003).]
ffsmith
06-23-2003, 11:20 AM
I know what you mean
I hope the “inspection” goes well
I hope you get your daughter back
Good luck to you
I hope the “inspection” goes well
I hope you get your daughter back
Good luck to you
Pamk
06-24-2003, 02:39 AM
Thanks. The inspection went well. The woman was real nice and told me I didn't have anything to worry about but of course the final decision will be made by the judge. They will give recommendations that she be returned.
I hope you get a better therapist. I went to mine today and I asked her if she was going to be retiring any time soon. She did tell me that she was going to be cutting back. Of course that didn't make me feel any better. I have been seeing her off and on since 1990. It is hard to start off with someone new but if I have to I will.
I hope you feel better soon. Take care of YOU!
Pam
I hope you get a better therapist. I went to mine today and I asked her if she was going to be retiring any time soon. She did tell me that she was going to be cutting back. Of course that didn't make me feel any better. I have been seeing her off and on since 1990. It is hard to start off with someone new but if I have to I will.
I hope you feel better soon. Take care of YOU!
Pam
Deb41
07-26-2003, 01:34 AM
I also have a toxic mother.. She is nice to everyone else but me and my family. I took her in coz she was sick.. i thought humm good oppertunity to get to know each other again . WRONG! She has hurt me so much and in some ways she has taught me how to be a good doormat.. I'm getting stronger with all the anger I have inside.. that the only one that can make me happy is me. And tell people how i feel. Even if they don't like to hear it. She Moved out i could not do it any moer i had anziety attacks and just could not sleep..And my kids could see what was happening to me and they were worried. I feel somewhat better now but the only thing now is with the recovery of my abuse I can feel my feelings. Sometimes i don't want to coz I been depressed for about 6 months now I'm slowly getting better.. with her gone. The best thing is to detach with love.. You will always love your parents no matter what but you can make a choice that they can't hurt you any more..It takes lots of practice but it works.. One thing my councler told me just a weekago..i have been reading about boundries and she said think of this.. If you get that gut feeling someone has over steped your boundries.. and you have a choice to get angry or to tell them how you feel or just how to react.. Another thing she told me yrs ago. With anger and reaction is to Fell the feeling , Act on what your feeling and then make a decision how your going to react...
Well I said enough
Peace * Love
Deb in WI
Well I said enough
Peace * Love
Deb in WI
stayinonbriteside
08-18-2003, 02:31 PM
hi ladies
i too have a toxic mom, i never thought of it that way but that is the definition of my mother. i will try to make this short kinda hard but i will try lol
i grew up in a large family and it was like strangers living in the same house. my mother loved to cause problems for everyone, was never taught to get along she just loved to fuel everyones fire. this is of course when she was home, there was a lot of neglect and everytning i had to say was stupid!! so of course i started to not talk hardly at all ( i even had anxiety when i was asked a question, something as little as the weather, i always felt i was going to say or do something stupid. there was never any love shown and if i tried i was called an idiot or whatever.
now i am 42 i take meds for my anxiety and i see a shrink, which is rather difficult cause trying to tell him what is going on is hard but i am slowly coming around. to this day brothers and sisters dont talk to each other and i could kiss my friend goodbye before i could a family member.
so believe me when i say my mother is toxic there is sooo much more to the story than what i have here. but i find it easier to type about my past than to talk about it lol!! anyway my depression is so terrible sometimes but i don't show it, dont know how to reach out to people. well funny tho cause growing up in such a terrible way and i always thought everyone grew up this way, that is until i had a child of my own, that is when i really started to look at things differently. i wondered how my mother could treat such a wonderful, beautiful child the way she did me?? i guess the only good thing that came out of it is how much i love my children and how i would never, never, ever treat them like that. to me my children are the best thing that has happened to me and i don't see how my mother thought what a terrible thing children were to her. how else can i explain the way we were treated.
i am just glad that i am strong enough to break such a terrible cycle. well sorry for rambling didn't mean too. but i am so glad to talk to someone about how i feel. even though i have friends that would listen also, i just have a hard time talking about it, i was always told what ever goes on in my home (childhood home) stays in that home. i was not aloud to tell anyone about anyting, i even lied to friends about christmas i would tell them all the things i got and in fact there was nothing there for us.
hope all is well with you guys
andrea :round:
i too have a toxic mom, i never thought of it that way but that is the definition of my mother. i will try to make this short kinda hard but i will try lol
i grew up in a large family and it was like strangers living in the same house. my mother loved to cause problems for everyone, was never taught to get along she just loved to fuel everyones fire. this is of course when she was home, there was a lot of neglect and everytning i had to say was stupid!! so of course i started to not talk hardly at all ( i even had anxiety when i was asked a question, something as little as the weather, i always felt i was going to say or do something stupid. there was never any love shown and if i tried i was called an idiot or whatever.
now i am 42 i take meds for my anxiety and i see a shrink, which is rather difficult cause trying to tell him what is going on is hard but i am slowly coming around. to this day brothers and sisters dont talk to each other and i could kiss my friend goodbye before i could a family member.
so believe me when i say my mother is toxic there is sooo much more to the story than what i have here. but i find it easier to type about my past than to talk about it lol!! anyway my depression is so terrible sometimes but i don't show it, dont know how to reach out to people. well funny tho cause growing up in such a terrible way and i always thought everyone grew up this way, that is until i had a child of my own, that is when i really started to look at things differently. i wondered how my mother could treat such a wonderful, beautiful child the way she did me?? i guess the only good thing that came out of it is how much i love my children and how i would never, never, ever treat them like that. to me my children are the best thing that has happened to me and i don't see how my mother thought what a terrible thing children were to her. how else can i explain the way we were treated.
i am just glad that i am strong enough to break such a terrible cycle. well sorry for rambling didn't mean too. but i am so glad to talk to someone about how i feel. even though i have friends that would listen also, i just have a hard time talking about it, i was always told what ever goes on in my home (childhood home) stays in that home. i was not aloud to tell anyone about anyting, i even lied to friends about christmas i would tell them all the things i got and in fact there was nothing there for us.
hope all is well with you guys
andrea :round:
Sting66
08-22-2003, 05:55 PM
Wow! I am relatively new to these boards but after reading about all of your experiences here, I can't help but write something!
I, too, can't believe that a mother would treat her own child this way.
I pulled away from my very abusive mother four years ago, and she also succeeded in turning the whole family against me. (They kind of had been against me forever, but my pulling away and taking an assertive stand made them all go for my throat...in a manner of speaking.)
I am much better off without them, but can't help feeling wistful that I don't have a family to call when something wonderful happens, or to cry to when something bad happens! I just have to keep my distance from them.
I am so glad I found this board!
Sally
I, too, can't believe that a mother would treat her own child this way.
I pulled away from my very abusive mother four years ago, and she also succeeded in turning the whole family against me. (They kind of had been against me forever, but my pulling away and taking an assertive stand made them all go for my throat...in a manner of speaking.)
I am much better off without them, but can't help feeling wistful that I don't have a family to call when something wonderful happens, or to cry to when something bad happens! I just have to keep my distance from them.
I am so glad I found this board!
Sally
stayinonbriteside
08-23-2003, 10:10 PM
hi sally,
some how reading your message was reading something i would have written!!! i too have not spoken to family i am not too sure who disowned who anymore, but i do know that ever since i made a stand no one talks to me either between that and my mother making sure to help them see what an awful child i am!! she was always good for that, instead of helping us get along she loved to add fuel to the fire. anyway i too find it strange that there are times that i miss them but in the same sense am glad to have such a burden taken off my shoulders. i dont understand it.
well i am glad you found this board cause it does help take a lot off your shoulders, just to be able to talk about it helps somewhat, don't ya think.
well take care and keep strong
andrea :wave:
------------------
2/98 anterior laminectomy c5/6-c6/7 w/titatium plate and six screws-used my own hip bone
returned to work in sept/98
oct/98 was struck from behind by a bus! never had an accident before this!!
4/2000 i went to the docs again and was told to go home soak in tub and take ibprophen well took advise and as soon as i leaned back my neck snapped.. my neck fractured after all this come to find out my site hasn't fused yet,
2nd surgery coming up 8/27/2003 posterior this time
some how reading your message was reading something i would have written!!! i too have not spoken to family i am not too sure who disowned who anymore, but i do know that ever since i made a stand no one talks to me either between that and my mother making sure to help them see what an awful child i am!! she was always good for that, instead of helping us get along she loved to add fuel to the fire. anyway i too find it strange that there are times that i miss them but in the same sense am glad to have such a burden taken off my shoulders. i dont understand it.
well i am glad you found this board cause it does help take a lot off your shoulders, just to be able to talk about it helps somewhat, don't ya think.
well take care and keep strong
andrea :wave:
------------------
2/98 anterior laminectomy c5/6-c6/7 w/titatium plate and six screws-used my own hip bone
returned to work in sept/98
oct/98 was struck from behind by a bus! never had an accident before this!!
4/2000 i went to the docs again and was told to go home soak in tub and take ibprophen well took advise and as soon as i leaned back my neck snapped.. my neck fractured after all this come to find out my site hasn't fused yet,
2nd surgery coming up 8/27/2003 posterior this time
Sting66
08-25-2003, 10:43 AM
Wow, I really am glad I found this board! I feel for everyone in these posts. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.
I especially thought it was funny (well, funny and sad both) when my father called me up and told me, "Well, thanks to YOU, our family is now dsyfunctional." This is right after I took a stand and told family members that I would no longer be available to take their abuse. Yup...I made the family dysfunctional...LOL
Hey Andrea, best of luck with your surgery. I see it is just a few days away. Do let us know how you're doing!
Sally
I especially thought it was funny (well, funny and sad both) when my father called me up and told me, "Well, thanks to YOU, our family is now dsyfunctional." This is right after I took a stand and told family members that I would no longer be available to take their abuse. Yup...I made the family dysfunctional...LOL
Hey Andrea, best of luck with your surgery. I see it is just a few days away. Do let us know how you're doing!
Sally
munder
09-12-2003, 08:54 PM
Just stopped by this Board. Posting to give y'all some hope. I am a 50 yr. old female with a toxic mother. I am also a recovering alcoholic, sober 12 years. Resentment at my mother fueled many of my drinking binges. Getting sober and dealing with the resentment, then 18 months of therapy have helped me tremendously. I've changed in that I am no longer her doormat and no longer tolerate her manipulation. I do not instigate any contact with her. When she calls me, I talk with her as long as she maintains the boundaries I have set. When she steps over them, I tell her that I am hanging up, then do it. It infuriates her that I won't play her sick games. Tough! Part of my therapy was grieving the fact that we have never had a good relationship and never will. I learned to get the "mothering" I needed from other women--my dear loving mother-in-law & my AA sponsor. They are my "mothers." My mom is just someone I have to deal with occasionally. This has been a l-o-n-g and sometimes painful journey, but well worth it. A good therapist is well-worth any monetary investment!
queenpooch
09-23-2003, 07:47 PM
Hi everyone,
I just joined Healthboards. I've been looking for help in dealing with my emotionally manipulative mother. This thread came up when I entered "toxic mother" in search. I hope it's OK that I'm posting in PTSD. I'm not sure if I have that or not, but I can sure identify with the experiences and emotions all of you have shared.
Munder, I can really relate to your story. First, congratulations on your sobriety! Isn't the 12 step program wonderful? It helps in all areas of life, in addition to alcoholism. My 20 year old son is a recovering addict and alcoholic, and has been in recovery for 3 years. He is now in college and thriving, and goes to an AA meeting EVERY NIGHT. He finds that helping others with their addictions(the 12th step?)has helped him remain sober.
Anyway, I am a 44 year old mom and homemaker. I feel I am a very nurturing and loving person, a good mother and a good wife. I used to be very attractive, and even did a lot of local modeling and TV commercials. My looks are gone now, though, and I am trying to take responsibility for that, rather than blame outside influences.
I am in my 2nd marriage - and my two sons, ages 17 and 20 are by my first husband. I have been lucky to be a stay at home mom all these years - in some ways. In other ways, it's been a lonely time for me. My current husband and I have been married for 11 years, and had no children. He is a "functioning" alcoholic and emotionally unavailable to me - always has been. He is literally obsessed with off-shore fishing, and practically lives on his boat at the marina. I married him because he's gorgeous and sexy and intelligent, and I needed to be rescued financially. I convinced myself that he would become more affectionate and attentive as time went by, but it's only gotten worse. His father, a physician, was an alcoholic and physically abusive to him and his siblings. I am ADD, overweight and depressed. I am also sick and tired of trudging through life with no sense of happiness or peace. I have also become a recluse in my home and have developed severe anti-social behavior. I get angrier every day, and I have recently become very worried about myself. I just started taking Wellbutrin last week for depression and constant fatigue. I've been seeing a great therapist, who has been making me think about my childhood and my family. Over the past few months, I have slowly realized (remembered?) that my mental problems are partly because of emotional neglect and verbal abuse from my mother all these years.
(Please excuse the ramble-on sentences and grammatical gaffs!)
My mother always said the most horrible things to me and my two younger brothers. Things like, "You are the disappointment of my life" and "I have no chance at personal happiness because you were born." Or she would tell us we were "emotionally disturbed" when she couldn't control our behavior as children. She had zero patience with us (neither did Dad the Doormat), and I have no memories of any pleasant family outings or vacations. There were never any "mother-daughter" activities (she was always too busy running for public office or getting an advanced academic degree.) My dad would take me to plays and the symphony and broadway shows, but he NEVER did anything with her or my brothers. (My mother and father finally divorced after 25 years of marriage when I was 23. He can't stand her, but she thinks they're good friends.) I wish SO much that I could detach myself emotionally from this woman. My therapist told me I needed to "divorce" myself from her. Before I talk to her on the phone, or before a visit, I will try to prepare mentally to stand up for myself for a change and not get defensive when she hits me with one of her verbal "zingers" - but I always end up getting defensive and hurt by something she says (a sarcastic, hurtful comment) or even just by her tone of voice and demeanor. Frankly, I can't STAND being around her - and she lives within 5 miles of me.
I can think of dozens of times that she has acted like a complete jerk toward me - especially at family gatherings during the holidays. A typical scene: Four years ago, during preparation for Thanksgiving meal, she grabbed my arm tight and pulled me in to the bathroom as if I were an errant child. She hissed at me, "This obesity has got to stop!" Of course, I started to cry, and it ruined my Thanksgiving. The next day, she is at my front door with two beautiful Poinsettias as a peace offering - but no apology naturally. This type of scene has taken place over and over through the years. It was like being the child of an alcoholic, without the alcohol!
My mother is a very powerful and well-respected member of the community. She's highly educated, a judge, and elder in her church, and very influential politically. I grew up in a high profile family and everything I did as a teenager has come back to haunt me a hundred-fold. I can't go anywhere without running in to someone who #1: asks about my mother, and #2: reminds me of something horrible I did once. Oh, and #3: exclaims about the weight I've gained.
It is impossible for me to ever confront my mother with any of this, but the charade of kissing her ass is slowly killing me. I am trying to prepare myself to "divorce" her as my therapist suggests, but it would mean moving out of town (not such a bad idea really) and giving up my inheritance (a SIZABLE inheritance.) I know in my heart that my peace of mind and sanity is worth losing all that, but it's still hard.
Wow, I really wrote too much. I'm sorry, but I had to get it out. There's SO much more...
Thanks for reading this - I feel better after writing it. I will hope for better times ahead for all of us. Indeed, God please bless us all.
[This message has been edited by queenpooch (edited 09-26-2003).]
I just joined Healthboards. I've been looking for help in dealing with my emotionally manipulative mother. This thread came up when I entered "toxic mother" in search. I hope it's OK that I'm posting in PTSD. I'm not sure if I have that or not, but I can sure identify with the experiences and emotions all of you have shared.
Munder, I can really relate to your story. First, congratulations on your sobriety! Isn't the 12 step program wonderful? It helps in all areas of life, in addition to alcoholism. My 20 year old son is a recovering addict and alcoholic, and has been in recovery for 3 years. He is now in college and thriving, and goes to an AA meeting EVERY NIGHT. He finds that helping others with their addictions(the 12th step?)has helped him remain sober.
Anyway, I am a 44 year old mom and homemaker. I feel I am a very nurturing and loving person, a good mother and a good wife. I used to be very attractive, and even did a lot of local modeling and TV commercials. My looks are gone now, though, and I am trying to take responsibility for that, rather than blame outside influences.
I am in my 2nd marriage - and my two sons, ages 17 and 20 are by my first husband. I have been lucky to be a stay at home mom all these years - in some ways. In other ways, it's been a lonely time for me. My current husband and I have been married for 11 years, and had no children. He is a "functioning" alcoholic and emotionally unavailable to me - always has been. He is literally obsessed with off-shore fishing, and practically lives on his boat at the marina. I married him because he's gorgeous and sexy and intelligent, and I needed to be rescued financially. I convinced myself that he would become more affectionate and attentive as time went by, but it's only gotten worse. His father, a physician, was an alcoholic and physically abusive to him and his siblings. I am ADD, overweight and depressed. I am also sick and tired of trudging through life with no sense of happiness or peace. I have also become a recluse in my home and have developed severe anti-social behavior. I get angrier every day, and I have recently become very worried about myself. I just started taking Wellbutrin last week for depression and constant fatigue. I've been seeing a great therapist, who has been making me think about my childhood and my family. Over the past few months, I have slowly realized (remembered?) that my mental problems are partly because of emotional neglect and verbal abuse from my mother all these years.
(Please excuse the ramble-on sentences and grammatical gaffs!)
My mother always said the most horrible things to me and my two younger brothers. Things like, "You are the disappointment of my life" and "I have no chance at personal happiness because you were born." Or she would tell us we were "emotionally disturbed" when she couldn't control our behavior as children. She had zero patience with us (neither did Dad the Doormat), and I have no memories of any pleasant family outings or vacations. There were never any "mother-daughter" activities (she was always too busy running for public office or getting an advanced academic degree.) My dad would take me to plays and the symphony and broadway shows, but he NEVER did anything with her or my brothers. (My mother and father finally divorced after 25 years of marriage when I was 23. He can't stand her, but she thinks they're good friends.) I wish SO much that I could detach myself emotionally from this woman. My therapist told me I needed to "divorce" myself from her. Before I talk to her on the phone, or before a visit, I will try to prepare mentally to stand up for myself for a change and not get defensive when she hits me with one of her verbal "zingers" - but I always end up getting defensive and hurt by something she says (a sarcastic, hurtful comment) or even just by her tone of voice and demeanor. Frankly, I can't STAND being around her - and she lives within 5 miles of me.
I can think of dozens of times that she has acted like a complete jerk toward me - especially at family gatherings during the holidays. A typical scene: Four years ago, during preparation for Thanksgiving meal, she grabbed my arm tight and pulled me in to the bathroom as if I were an errant child. She hissed at me, "This obesity has got to stop!" Of course, I started to cry, and it ruined my Thanksgiving. The next day, she is at my front door with two beautiful Poinsettias as a peace offering - but no apology naturally. This type of scene has taken place over and over through the years. It was like being the child of an alcoholic, without the alcohol!
My mother is a very powerful and well-respected member of the community. She's highly educated, a judge, and elder in her church, and very influential politically. I grew up in a high profile family and everything I did as a teenager has come back to haunt me a hundred-fold. I can't go anywhere without running in to someone who #1: asks about my mother, and #2: reminds me of something horrible I did once. Oh, and #3: exclaims about the weight I've gained.
It is impossible for me to ever confront my mother with any of this, but the charade of kissing her ass is slowly killing me. I am trying to prepare myself to "divorce" her as my therapist suggests, but it would mean moving out of town (not such a bad idea really) and giving up my inheritance (a SIZABLE inheritance.) I know in my heart that my peace of mind and sanity is worth losing all that, but it's still hard.
Wow, I really wrote too much. I'm sorry, but I had to get it out. There's SO much more...
Thanks for reading this - I feel better after writing it. I will hope for better times ahead for all of us. Indeed, God please bless us all.
[This message has been edited by queenpooch (edited 09-26-2003).]
Sting66
09-23-2003, 11:15 PM
Hello Munder and Queenpooch,
Welcome to this thread! I think it's great that we have a place to 1) vent, and 2) chat with people who know exactly what we're going through!! I go on and on, too, so don't anyone worry about rambling or something. It's worth it to write a lot. Very therapeutic!
I'm still going through the grieving process of never having a mother I needed. I remember being seven years old and reading that Dr. Seuss book, "Are You My Mother?" and when the bird finds his mom at the end, I thought, 'Wow, I hope that happens to ME someday...' (Meanwhile, Mom was in the next room.) Sad, huh?
I set my boundaries with my mother four years ago, and she spread rumors around the family about me. They are all afraid of her, so they were all just horrible to me. They told me I had gone crazy, and mocked me for being insane. I didn't need that, so I pretty much divorced myself from all of them.
Queenpooch, I have a Doormat Dad, too! He called me up one day and scolded me, "You have made our family dysfunctional, something we never were until YOU messed everything up! You'd better apologize to your mother and sisters." (Yeah...hmmm...apologize to them all for spreading sick rumors. Yikes...)
My three sisters are so afraid of my mother that they took her side, and dumped on me, one by one. Maybe they figured it was better to have ME feel bad than to have their scary mother mad at THEM. It's funny, people hear about my family and always ask me if I'm the oldest kid. Actually, I'm the youngest! That always surprises people.
Anyway, Mom went through life blaming people for her own tantrums. We got punished for crying out in pain or fear. If you told her to stop yelling, hitting, or scaring you, she would tell you, "You're so rude and unpleasant." Then she'd tell Dad, who would say, "Stop being rude and unpleasant." Then, while I cried, the sisters would join in scolding me fiercely, then looking to their mother for approval.
Queenpooch, I hope you can move, to do something to get away from her. It's very difficult to detach. My mother 50 miles away, and makes it easier. I can't believe that people tell you about weight you've gained. That is SO crass, and ridiculous poor manners. Shame on them. You need support, not insults.
For what it's worth, I have been dieting myself. I needed to lose 40 pounds, and have lost 10. I'm trying to do it the healthy way, slowly and surely. I've found that after age 35...it gets harder and harder to lose weight. Yikes.
Anyway, I think it's perfectly appropriate to post in PTSD section. After all, here we all are...
Best of luck to everyone!
Sting66
Welcome to this thread! I think it's great that we have a place to 1) vent, and 2) chat with people who know exactly what we're going through!! I go on and on, too, so don't anyone worry about rambling or something. It's worth it to write a lot. Very therapeutic!
I'm still going through the grieving process of never having a mother I needed. I remember being seven years old and reading that Dr. Seuss book, "Are You My Mother?" and when the bird finds his mom at the end, I thought, 'Wow, I hope that happens to ME someday...' (Meanwhile, Mom was in the next room.) Sad, huh?
I set my boundaries with my mother four years ago, and she spread rumors around the family about me. They are all afraid of her, so they were all just horrible to me. They told me I had gone crazy, and mocked me for being insane. I didn't need that, so I pretty much divorced myself from all of them.
Queenpooch, I have a Doormat Dad, too! He called me up one day and scolded me, "You have made our family dysfunctional, something we never were until YOU messed everything up! You'd better apologize to your mother and sisters." (Yeah...hmmm...apologize to them all for spreading sick rumors. Yikes...)
My three sisters are so afraid of my mother that they took her side, and dumped on me, one by one. Maybe they figured it was better to have ME feel bad than to have their scary mother mad at THEM. It's funny, people hear about my family and always ask me if I'm the oldest kid. Actually, I'm the youngest! That always surprises people.
Anyway, Mom went through life blaming people for her own tantrums. We got punished for crying out in pain or fear. If you told her to stop yelling, hitting, or scaring you, she would tell you, "You're so rude and unpleasant." Then she'd tell Dad, who would say, "Stop being rude and unpleasant." Then, while I cried, the sisters would join in scolding me fiercely, then looking to their mother for approval.
Queenpooch, I hope you can move, to do something to get away from her. It's very difficult to detach. My mother 50 miles away, and makes it easier. I can't believe that people tell you about weight you've gained. That is SO crass, and ridiculous poor manners. Shame on them. You need support, not insults.
For what it's worth, I have been dieting myself. I needed to lose 40 pounds, and have lost 10. I'm trying to do it the healthy way, slowly and surely. I've found that after age 35...it gets harder and harder to lose weight. Yikes.
Anyway, I think it's perfectly appropriate to post in PTSD section. After all, here we all are...
Best of luck to everyone!
Sting66
ffsmith
10-06-2003, 11:53 PM
I have tried the divorce or separation thing too.
It is hard, because they blame you for the estrangement . . . or dysfunction.
In a way it is you because you are making the choice too stay away for your own health.
It is the right thing to do.
But it hard when you do not have much of a support system like me.
It is hard, because they blame you for the estrangement . . . or dysfunction.
In a way it is you because you are making the choice too stay away for your own health.
It is the right thing to do.
But it hard when you do not have much of a support system like me.
Seasons
10-18-2003, 08:31 AM
Boy do I ever know about toxic mothers. I grew up in a very abusive home and most of it at the hands of this person known as my "mother". I was one of those kids that spoke out when I felt that things weren't right so I got it even worse than the other kids because I was a threat to her. What I mean by that is that I was the child most likely to report her or tell other people what she was doing. So to make sure I didn't have any credibility in the community she made sure that everyone thought of me as an instigator. Still to this day she tries to thwart anything that she is aware of that I am doing that may possibly expose her for what she is. I haven't associated with her in many many years.......why should I?? I feel that a lot of people stick it out with their parents or family because there is this idea in our society that family is through thick or thin........that's crap...the symbol of family and parents is something that is earned out of respect and trust....if your "family or mother" does nothing but belittle you and make you feel bad then who says you "have to associate with them" ???
Someone said in a posting here that everyone loves there parents......sorry but thats not true. I definately do not love them and never really did....I had no choice but to depend on them for a roof and food but thats not love. Do I care what they think of me.....nope. At one time I thought I did but after much healing and gaining inner wisdom I realised that really what it was ....was the self doubt. Why was I the only one standing up and saying "this is wrong"...it took a while for me to realise it was because I had a strong sense of justice. You know the old saying that "everyone else can't be wrong and it must be you"......well thats crap too ......everyone else CAN be wrong and you right!
I've spoken to many people that have toxic parents and they only really and truely began their healing journey when they let go of them and held onto themselves. Putting that distance there allows you to focus on you without continuously being traumatised over and over again everytime they are in the same room as you.
I am still going through a healing journey but have come a long ways. I'm very proud of myself for having the guts to go through all this....and always admire others when I see that they too are taking on the challenge....so many walk away from it only to live their lives in the dark constantly running from the fear of pain.
Seasons
Someone said in a posting here that everyone loves there parents......sorry but thats not true. I definately do not love them and never really did....I had no choice but to depend on them for a roof and food but thats not love. Do I care what they think of me.....nope. At one time I thought I did but after much healing and gaining inner wisdom I realised that really what it was ....was the self doubt. Why was I the only one standing up and saying "this is wrong"...it took a while for me to realise it was because I had a strong sense of justice. You know the old saying that "everyone else can't be wrong and it must be you"......well thats crap too ......everyone else CAN be wrong and you right!
I've spoken to many people that have toxic parents and they only really and truely began their healing journey when they let go of them and held onto themselves. Putting that distance there allows you to focus on you without continuously being traumatised over and over again everytime they are in the same room as you.
I am still going through a healing journey but have come a long ways. I'm very proud of myself for having the guts to go through all this....and always admire others when I see that they too are taking on the challenge....so many walk away from it only to live their lives in the dark constantly running from the fear of pain.
Seasons
millertang
01-06-2005, 02:49 AM
wow, i'm not alone. :wave: my entire life my mother has pushed me away, when i was born she cried and wouldn't hold me. she said that i looked like i had down syndrome or cleft/lip pallet.
since then she has hurt me more than anything or anyone has hurt me before. she lies, manulplates and plays mind games.
my father died. That christmas she handed me pictures of my dad dead in the casket & told me that she was going on a date with the handyman. the entire extended family told her that the handyman wasn't a good man (turned out that he was a crack head and he took alot money from her). she told us all to go to hell and that we just wanted her money. We just wanted her.
3 out of 5 children stay away from her b/c she hurts us. i can hear her in the back of my mind all day long; "get out of my kitchen" "get away from me" "your dad is a loser and so are you" "i wish that i had one smart child" "stop sweating" "you're a liar and a theif" .
she told me to stay away from her right before christmas she said that i ruined her life b/c i had told my dads sisters the things that she was doing.
it's so sad, all that a child wants is his or her mothers love. in my case my wish will never come true. she likes being mean. she likes to mentally break the kids down. i'm 30 years old and i still want her love. wait, i need to take that last sentence away. her love hurts and there is a price which is your dignity. when i want to pick up the phone to call my mother :confused: i have to think twice. :nono: i call one of my sisters instead and my sister will talk me out of calling my mother. it's almost like being an alcoholic. i have to avoid her everyday and just pray for some angels to come help ease my mind and heart.
hopefully, this board will help and maybe someday i can help someone else like me. i have so many horrible stories that she has done to me; to all 5 children and my dad. i love him for staying married to that evil woman. he was a good man and all she did was degrade him. how can a mother just dispose of her own children?
since then she has hurt me more than anything or anyone has hurt me before. she lies, manulplates and plays mind games.
my father died. That christmas she handed me pictures of my dad dead in the casket & told me that she was going on a date with the handyman. the entire extended family told her that the handyman wasn't a good man (turned out that he was a crack head and he took alot money from her). she told us all to go to hell and that we just wanted her money. We just wanted her.
3 out of 5 children stay away from her b/c she hurts us. i can hear her in the back of my mind all day long; "get out of my kitchen" "get away from me" "your dad is a loser and so are you" "i wish that i had one smart child" "stop sweating" "you're a liar and a theif" .
she told me to stay away from her right before christmas she said that i ruined her life b/c i had told my dads sisters the things that she was doing.
it's so sad, all that a child wants is his or her mothers love. in my case my wish will never come true. she likes being mean. she likes to mentally break the kids down. i'm 30 years old and i still want her love. wait, i need to take that last sentence away. her love hurts and there is a price which is your dignity. when i want to pick up the phone to call my mother :confused: i have to think twice. :nono: i call one of my sisters instead and my sister will talk me out of calling my mother. it's almost like being an alcoholic. i have to avoid her everyday and just pray for some angels to come help ease my mind and heart.
hopefully, this board will help and maybe someday i can help someone else like me. i have so many horrible stories that she has done to me; to all 5 children and my dad. i love him for staying married to that evil woman. he was a good man and all she did was degrade him. how can a mother just dispose of her own children?
singer1
01-06-2005, 07:21 AM
Pamk,
Are we related? It sounded like you were talking about my Mother! My advice is, try and keep your distance. Have you stood up to her as far as how you feel on things? If you have and she continues not to listen, it's far more healthier for you to stay the distance. I went almost 5 years of not speaking to my parents because of some issues and now that we have started talking again, I see that things have not changed and I just keep my distance and limit phone calls. Why parents can't listen to their adult children, I guess I'll never know! Good luck and keep your chin up and know that you are okay. You just need to change some things in your life. Get involved in your family, Church, etc...and you will find that you will be healthier! :wave:
Are we related? It sounded like you were talking about my Mother! My advice is, try and keep your distance. Have you stood up to her as far as how you feel on things? If you have and she continues not to listen, it's far more healthier for you to stay the distance. I went almost 5 years of not speaking to my parents because of some issues and now that we have started talking again, I see that things have not changed and I just keep my distance and limit phone calls. Why parents can't listen to their adult children, I guess I'll never know! Good luck and keep your chin up and know that you are okay. You just need to change some things in your life. Get involved in your family, Church, etc...and you will find that you will be healthier! :wave:
Meridith
01-06-2005, 01:44 PM
I feel so badly reading these entries. I will pray for you all to recover from your situations. I am certain that you all have good qualities and there is no reason to hate yourselves. Reaching out and supporting each other is a common beautiful quality that you all share. Start there and every morning when you wake up try to hear your own voices telling yourselves that you are good people with lots to offer. Parents that don't know how to parent are not correct in assuming since their children have some problems, they are failures. More than likely they just never knew what to do and were scared. Forgive them and don't look back.
woodfaery
01-07-2005, 01:55 AM
To know we are all not alone is for me...truly a comfort, and yet makes me just want to break down and cry because I too understand all too well about a toxic mother. This is the first time I have found any feelings remotely close to mine regarding my mother.
My whole childhood, my mother did not allow me to hug her and she did not ever hug me. She did not tell me she loved me, and when I told her I loved her...she acted like she did not hear me. To gain my mothers love I married a man that she approved of. We were married for 7 years, and had two beautiful sons. My mother would side with him any time we had a marital arguement. Being a mother at home 24/7 with little relief and a husband that I was not comfortable with because he began drinking a lot and became abusive. Still my mother chose his side. One day I got up from my family and went away. I began drinking and staying at the bar. My mother was there for my husband. Eventually I became extremely depressed, found a place to live by myself and just sunk into deeper depression. Sadly, I let my children slip away and my mother helped my husband...who became my exhusband. She helped him and acted like I was no longer her family--and i didnt feel anything but darkness and depression seep into all aspects of my life. I knew my children would hate me anyway, I felt like I had no hope in my life. Somehow years later I got back on track and finished college...all with the wonderful help of good grades and financial aid. Through the times I was attending college I wrote my children letters every day...or every other day. My exhusband would complain when I called or wrote saying I was calling too much and writing too much. But as time went on I realized that my children never hated me. They loved both me and their dad. Well, my mother remained by his side as his friend for years. She spent holidays with him and his new wife. When I would visit my children or come by my exhusbands to get my children...my mother would be there. She would act like she did not know me. When I got a terrible virus, that led to paricarditis (inflammation around the heart) she told people she thought I was faking it. She ignored that I was severely ill. I eventually pulled through and regained my health but had a big scare because...it was my heart after all. Well I am remarried happily and my children love me and also love my husband. They also love their dad too, and some how we (my exhusband now get along after several years.) I am now a manager, and my husband is an instructor. My mother lives not very far from me....10 miles away. But, she visits my exhusband all the time. She does not like my oldest son, and kind of likes my youngest son. But what really surprised me this new year...my step brother told me that he wanted to hang out with me. So he came over and he told me that our mother is so mean and so fake...and that he understands. He also told me he found out who my father was after all these years...so now at the age of 35 I find out and he said he thought it was unfair for him to keep that kind of secret. Well, after he told me, I was relieved...but also made the choice in my heart to steer clear of my mother because I am more than ready to let go of her. I dont need her, after all...I never had her love. Its so clear to me that all these years....I rebuilt my life and became successful in many aspects of my life. My children love me, I am a caring loving mother despite how life had its strange turns, and some poor choices I made in the past when I was severely depressed. But all I know is this, I made things right for my kids because I truly love them and adore them...thats all that matters. Geez, I know I vented big time. But I just want each and everyone of you to know...you are not alone, you are beautiful, unique, and a precious soul. You can rise above. You CAN. You are in my heartfelt thoughts.
My whole childhood, my mother did not allow me to hug her and she did not ever hug me. She did not tell me she loved me, and when I told her I loved her...she acted like she did not hear me. To gain my mothers love I married a man that she approved of. We were married for 7 years, and had two beautiful sons. My mother would side with him any time we had a marital arguement. Being a mother at home 24/7 with little relief and a husband that I was not comfortable with because he began drinking a lot and became abusive. Still my mother chose his side. One day I got up from my family and went away. I began drinking and staying at the bar. My mother was there for my husband. Eventually I became extremely depressed, found a place to live by myself and just sunk into deeper depression. Sadly, I let my children slip away and my mother helped my husband...who became my exhusband. She helped him and acted like I was no longer her family--and i didnt feel anything but darkness and depression seep into all aspects of my life. I knew my children would hate me anyway, I felt like I had no hope in my life. Somehow years later I got back on track and finished college...all with the wonderful help of good grades and financial aid. Through the times I was attending college I wrote my children letters every day...or every other day. My exhusband would complain when I called or wrote saying I was calling too much and writing too much. But as time went on I realized that my children never hated me. They loved both me and their dad. Well, my mother remained by his side as his friend for years. She spent holidays with him and his new wife. When I would visit my children or come by my exhusbands to get my children...my mother would be there. She would act like she did not know me. When I got a terrible virus, that led to paricarditis (inflammation around the heart) she told people she thought I was faking it. She ignored that I was severely ill. I eventually pulled through and regained my health but had a big scare because...it was my heart after all. Well I am remarried happily and my children love me and also love my husband. They also love their dad too, and some how we (my exhusband now get along after several years.) I am now a manager, and my husband is an instructor. My mother lives not very far from me....10 miles away. But, she visits my exhusband all the time. She does not like my oldest son, and kind of likes my youngest son. But what really surprised me this new year...my step brother told me that he wanted to hang out with me. So he came over and he told me that our mother is so mean and so fake...and that he understands. He also told me he found out who my father was after all these years...so now at the age of 35 I find out and he said he thought it was unfair for him to keep that kind of secret. Well, after he told me, I was relieved...but also made the choice in my heart to steer clear of my mother because I am more than ready to let go of her. I dont need her, after all...I never had her love. Its so clear to me that all these years....I rebuilt my life and became successful in many aspects of my life. My children love me, I am a caring loving mother despite how life had its strange turns, and some poor choices I made in the past when I was severely depressed. But all I know is this, I made things right for my kids because I truly love them and adore them...thats all that matters. Geez, I know I vented big time. But I just want each and everyone of you to know...you are not alone, you are beautiful, unique, and a precious soul. You can rise above. You CAN. You are in my heartfelt thoughts.
SandraM
01-09-2005, 07:23 PM
Put me in this boat too. Both of my parents were jerks. My father only cared about his booze. I was the youngest of 4, "the accident that wasn't wanted" so I was told by them. My mother's father was a jerk too as well as my father's mother. My one brother died shortly after I was born. So I was the target to take her anger out on. My brother and sister were the favourites and never had any abuse only I did. I moved out when I was 16 and it was the best thing I ever did. I never saw them again since. I have since heard they passed on years ago and no I did not go to their funerals. I do see my sister but not my brother. He needs to grow up yet. And I refuse to be treated the way he treated me. My sister and I do not talk about the past, but then she will side with my mother since she was a favourite plus never go the abuse as I did. I still have flashbacks of the times when she locked me up in the attic with no floors or walls just the joists and itchy insulation. There were no lights or windows either and little oxygen and yes I did pass out a few times. Then there the times she set me on fire. Plus all the beatings with the strap. Which I think was daily, for some stupid little thing I must have done which it usually was. I wasn't a perfect child, but what child is? But for the little things I had done, this wasn't the type of punishment she should have done thats for sure. No child deserves this kind of treatment. I did marry when I was 31 which my worst mistake. He was such a good liar and actor and hid his drinking well. It wasn't till after we married did I see the amount he drank. I stayed with him for 3 years, kept hoping he would change. Well that never happened. As far as he was concerned I was the drinker and I don't drink. He was in such denial. When I told him to move out and I had enough of this crap, it was then he hung himself. That was almost 15 years ago now. I have hardly dated since and doubt I will again. I am 49 now. I never had any children which was best in the longrun the way things turned out. So I have no regrets that I didn't have them. I know I need to get back into therapy again. And hopefully I will soon, just things are kind of hectic right now with my job.
Forgive, is a very hard thing to do.
Anger, a hard thing too to deal with.
Who said life was easy?
Sandra
Forgive, is a very hard thing to do.
Anger, a hard thing too to deal with.
Who said life was easy?
Sandra
kerry1
01-09-2005, 08:51 PM
I had a toxic mother growing up, and nobody understood why I was so messed up, because my mother was such a "nice lady". Why is it always the child's fault??? WHY?
Anyway, I had lots of therapy, and she mellowed out a lot with age, and we get along fine now. But some of you people on this thread - your mothers are so much worse than mine, I can understand why it's killing you. It's probably literally killing you. You Do Not Deserve This!! I don't think you should even be talking to these people, these so-called parents. Most of you need to divorce them and find surrogate parents, therapists or whatever.
Most of you would not subject your children to such poisonous treatment; you wouldn't subject your husbands/wives, friends, even co-workers, to such abuse. Why would you subject yourselves to it?? Why is it any different? Please, please, get away from these soul-killers. You're just battered children who never had a chance to grow up, because to grow up, you need love.
Anyway, I had lots of therapy, and she mellowed out a lot with age, and we get along fine now. But some of you people on this thread - your mothers are so much worse than mine, I can understand why it's killing you. It's probably literally killing you. You Do Not Deserve This!! I don't think you should even be talking to these people, these so-called parents. Most of you need to divorce them and find surrogate parents, therapists or whatever.
Most of you would not subject your children to such poisonous treatment; you wouldn't subject your husbands/wives, friends, even co-workers, to such abuse. Why would you subject yourselves to it?? Why is it any different? Please, please, get away from these soul-killers. You're just battered children who never had a chance to grow up, because to grow up, you need love.
woodfaery
01-10-2005, 12:55 PM
You're just battered children who never had a chance to grow up, because to grow up, you need love.[/QUOTE]
Kerry, I absolutely agree. So many people here are very loving though and like myself basically had to be adults instead of have a chance to be a kid. This board has given me a lot of strength to look at the big picture, to let go and live a more fuller and loving life with people who are loving and who do have as much to give as I do.
May you all find joy and love yourselves enough to move on. Its hard but when the going gets tough...the tough get going. :cool:
;)
Kerry, I absolutely agree. So many people here are very loving though and like myself basically had to be adults instead of have a chance to be a kid. This board has given me a lot of strength to look at the big picture, to let go and live a more fuller and loving life with people who are loving and who do have as much to give as I do.
May you all find joy and love yourselves enough to move on. Its hard but when the going gets tough...the tough get going. :cool:
;)
SandraM
01-11-2005, 06:59 AM
And the sad part too, when people who have had this kind of upbringing is that usually most relationships don't last. And probably won't till the person deals with their past first. But thats easier said then done. It can take many years to get over their pasts. And here these people were only reaching out for love which they never had, then not knowing how to handle it since they never had it. Sad situation from their pasts and their relationships not working out cause of someone else's insecurity and anger.
sweeterthan
01-16-2005, 01:29 AM
Hello. It is sad to hear how everyone has had bad times with there parent(s). Me and my mom had a very bad relationship for many years. She was an alcoholic, she physically and mentally abused me, my sister and my brother. She used to say she wish she never had us because she could never have a boyfriend because of us. We all have different fathers and my mother never wed any of the 3. They were all abusive to her, whether mentally or physically.
My sisters father used to beat all of us. I have seen him hit my mom so many times. She finally got away from him many years ago. But she herself was abusive towards me and my siblings.
At the age of 16 I finally moved in with my older brother who was 20 at the time and had his own apartment. I couldn't take it anymore. She hit me and yelled at me almost everyday when she was drunk. She slept with guys who were as young as 17 and the whole school knew about it and people would say stuff to me. I also found out she did cocaine. I couldn't take it anymore I was practically suicidal because I felt my life was so f'd up.
Well I'm almost 21 now. I have my own apartment and live with my boyfriend. My mother and I now have a better relationship because I have learned to forgive. I think she still drinks but I don't talk about it when i go to visit her.
I have gone to therepy and talked about alot of this. They diagnosed me with PTSD because I wake up with nightmares about my mother or step father abusing me and I feel like I'm reliving it. I take meds for it and its not to bad anymore but I still get the nightmares at least once a week. I'm just glad me and my mother are on good terms now and I love her very much and I forgive her for what she has put me through. But I will never forget it. I guess it was just that traumatizing.
I can only hope all of you can have a better relationship with your mom or your dad if they have done you wrong in the past.
But in some cases I can understand if you would never want to talk to them again. In the case if you were sexually abused by a family member. Thankfully I have never gone through that but God bless any of you who have. I just hope the best for all of you. Whether you forgive and move on or put it in the past and work through the bad memories. Remember there is always help out there and you are not alone.
-Amber
My sisters father used to beat all of us. I have seen him hit my mom so many times. She finally got away from him many years ago. But she herself was abusive towards me and my siblings.
At the age of 16 I finally moved in with my older brother who was 20 at the time and had his own apartment. I couldn't take it anymore. She hit me and yelled at me almost everyday when she was drunk. She slept with guys who were as young as 17 and the whole school knew about it and people would say stuff to me. I also found out she did cocaine. I couldn't take it anymore I was practically suicidal because I felt my life was so f'd up.
Well I'm almost 21 now. I have my own apartment and live with my boyfriend. My mother and I now have a better relationship because I have learned to forgive. I think she still drinks but I don't talk about it when i go to visit her.
I have gone to therepy and talked about alot of this. They diagnosed me with PTSD because I wake up with nightmares about my mother or step father abusing me and I feel like I'm reliving it. I take meds for it and its not to bad anymore but I still get the nightmares at least once a week. I'm just glad me and my mother are on good terms now and I love her very much and I forgive her for what she has put me through. But I will never forget it. I guess it was just that traumatizing.
I can only hope all of you can have a better relationship with your mom or your dad if they have done you wrong in the past.
But in some cases I can understand if you would never want to talk to them again. In the case if you were sexually abused by a family member. Thankfully I have never gone through that but God bless any of you who have. I just hope the best for all of you. Whether you forgive and move on or put it in the past and work through the bad memories. Remember there is always help out there and you are not alone.
-Amber