21inAugust
06-02-2002, 01:11 AM
I was wondering if ADHD or ADD had a negative affect on dating because my last boyfriend had ADHD and blamed all of his short-comings as a partner on his ADHD. For example, he claimed that the reason he has to cheat or move on from a girl is because of his attention deficit and "need for novelty". Plus he was really weird,so I wonder how much his condition really had to do with his behavior and choices. He was 23 at the time I dated him.
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mlgable
06-02-2002, 01:56 AM
Since when is ADHD a reason to cheat on anyone. ADD/ADHD may affect the relationship somewhat but it is not an excuse for anyone to have keep moving on or look for novelty in a relationship. If you really care about the person you are with the ADD/ADHD shouldn't be a real problem during the dating stage.
21inAugust
06-02-2002, 03:49 AM
That's what I thought, but I had to see what other people with Add actually had to say since my ex is the only person I've ever known personally who had it.
help
06-06-2002, 04:22 AM
It can have a dramatic effect on relationships.
The only way it has to do with "cheating" on someone is because he may get bored easily and needs an intense stimulation like the feeling of a "new" relationship; although, ADD or not, that's still no excuse for cheating.
ADD behavior in relationships consists of ALOT of breaking up/getting back together, LOTS of meaningless arguments, and a GREAT loss of emotion. An ADD individual "checks out" or is mentally unable to see "warning signs" that something may be wrong emotionally, or relationship wise. This usually leaves the non-ADD individual to cheat, especially if the non-ADDer is female. They do this subconcioiusly to sabatoge the relationship, and ultimately "want out".
The only way it has to do with "cheating" on someone is because he may get bored easily and needs an intense stimulation like the feeling of a "new" relationship; although, ADD or not, that's still no excuse for cheating.
ADD behavior in relationships consists of ALOT of breaking up/getting back together, LOTS of meaningless arguments, and a GREAT loss of emotion. An ADD individual "checks out" or is mentally unable to see "warning signs" that something may be wrong emotionally, or relationship wise. This usually leaves the non-ADD individual to cheat, especially if the non-ADDer is female. They do this subconcioiusly to sabatoge the relationship, and ultimately "want out".
21inAugust
06-06-2002, 05:53 AM
Wow, a lot of what you said sounds like what went on. The only difference is that my ex (the one with ADHD) did the cheating. He constantly broke up with people or had them brake up with him, he seemed to have no clue that there were major problems in the relationship, he had been dumped by a wife whom he convinced to have an "open-marriage" with and give her kid up for adoption...the list goes on and on. Help, thanks for your insight.
cameron82
06-10-2002, 12:37 AM
I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 16 and now I'm 21. I've always had trouble keeping up intimate relationships. The biggest reason is because of my impulsivity. I'd say things that sounded good at first and then severely regret them later. Also, it was difficult for me to say something and stick to it. Often my girlfriends would be confused. They'd say "I really don't understand you, you're telling me two different things!" They'd be so frustrated. I feel like I have great intentions, but that its incredibly hard to keep up relationships. Even the girls I liked, calling them would be a pain and an extreme chore because I didn't have the energy or consistency to keep it up. I have to constantly push myself to start and maintain intimate relationships. Its much easier for me to keep them temporary. This might be where he was coming from? Just my experiences, take them for what its worth.
21inAugust
06-10-2002, 10:26 PM
Thanks Cameron, what you have described to me sounds a lot like what could've been my ex's mindset. You know how you mentioned the impulsiveness casuing you to sometimes say things that you thought sounded right at the time but later regretted saying? Well my ex use to say a lot of offensive things to me that he thought was funny. He'd always defend whatever he said with a "I'm just joking".
[This message has been edited by 21inAugust (edited 06-10-2002).]
[This message has been edited by 21inAugust (edited 06-10-2002).]
sheristress
06-26-2002, 02:39 AM
Before I got married, I went out with alot of weirdos that didn't have add or adhd. Some guys will cheat no matter what. You don't have to have add or adhd to have problems in your relationship. My nephew whose 20 has adhd and I never even knew it. He's very smart and on the honor roll at his college. He's also been going steady with the same girl for the last 3yrs. and she's absolutely crazy over him. He's always held down a job and now he's been promoted manager. He's studying to be a CPA certified public accountant and doing very well in his academic life and personal life too. He also has alot of friends.
Fixer79UC
06-26-2002, 07:02 PM
I agree with sheri. ADD is not the reason your ex is an *** . He just is. I am 22 and have not been treated for my ADD for a long time until a month ago. My girlfriend of 2 years and I, had just broken up, my grades sucked, so I decided to give it another go. I certainly don't the lack of treatment helped my previous relationship. I didn't plan things for us to do enough. It took too much planning ahead. I forgot things constantly, which frustrated her (then I'd get frustrated that she was frustrated because I couldnt help it). We'd argue and I'd forget what we were arguing about. I couldn't see the problems between us. We had other issues too. ADD is not the reason we broke up, but I certainly think it made things much more difficult.
christian_momx3
07-03-2002, 06:00 PM
I am married to a man with ADHD. I was not fully aware of his condition when we were dating or when I agreed to marry him. I knew that we had some problems, but hey...everyone has problems, right!?!? Well, after about three weeks of marriage, he left me. We got back together shortly after that and then he did it again. This went on every couple of weeks for the next 7 months. Then I moved...without him. We have been on again and off again since that. I finally decided that I needed to learn how to deal with this. I have been doing everything in my power to accept him as he is and cope with the life that I chose when I said "I do". But since I agreed to "for better or worse, for richer or poorer (his spending habits challenge this, too), in sickness and in health" I cannot just write him off and say that because of his illness we cannot make it. So, in November of last year, we decided that we are going to stay together and make it work. We have been together since then and have been making great strides in our marriage! Sure, it has been VERY hard to have a relationship with someone that has this disorder! But, the best thing that I can do for him is to be supportive, loyal, and faithful...regardless of whether he returns those qualities! I have read countless books and we have been in couseling quite a bit. Right now I am reading a book called "You Can be the Wife of a Happy Husband". I have a deep faith in God and have found that if I trust Him and do what He has told me to do, my husband and I can make it through this with an even stronger marriage than most people without this "setback"! So, the most important thing to do if you are in a relationship with an ADHD person, is just LOVE THEM! Love them as they are and let them know that you understand that they are going through some rough things and you will be there for them no matter what. Because that is what they need! In their world, not even their thoughts are stable, they need some consistancy...you can be the one thing in their world that is unwavering! It takes a special person and an unbelievable committment to make a life with someone with ADHD, but the rewards are phenominal!! My husband has brought me more happiness than anyone else ever could! So, if you are reading this and you are in a relationship with an ADHDer, just hang on! You are about to be taken on the most adventurous ride of your life! But stick with it! You will experience some unsettling things, but you will come out of it a stronger and better person! And you most likely will find out that the disease is hiding a wonderful person who is longing to love you back!
[This message has been edited by christian_momx3 (edited 07-03-2002).]
[This message has been edited by christian_momx3 (edited 07-03-2002).]
21inAugust
07-29-2002, 03:06 AM
Thank you everyone for taking the time to join this discussion and try to help me out with my question. (sheristress: It's very good to hear that your nephew is handling having ADHD so very well, I hope he keeps it up.
christian_momx3: Not many people work for their marriages these days and everyone's so quick to divorce so good for you both! It's good to hear that you guys are making an effort to fix things. I wish that I could've been like you and understood my ex's ADHD better and be able to stick by him and be that one unwavering thing in his life. He was my first love but he totally sh*t on me from the beginning and after a year of trying to cope I just couldn't take any more).
[This message has been edited by 21inAugust (edited 07-29-2002).]
christian_momx3: Not many people work for their marriages these days and everyone's so quick to divorce so good for you both! It's good to hear that you guys are making an effort to fix things. I wish that I could've been like you and understood my ex's ADHD better and be able to stick by him and be that one unwavering thing in his life. He was my first love but he totally sh*t on me from the beginning and after a year of trying to cope I just couldn't take any more).
[This message has been edited by 21inAugust (edited 07-29-2002).]
Telsah
07-30-2002, 09:13 PM
Here's a twist. My child is ADHD and so is his father. I have had to continually be there for my ex in order to keep his relationship with his 6 yr old son together, missed visits, forgotten phone calls, angry outbursts, his father just can't get his life together jobs, homes etc.etc.. The problem is that even though we are separated (4 years) I have been the most consistent and caring person in this man's life. I have had to be very upfront with him on an almost daily basis about his responsibilities to his son and its not always nice. My problem is that he seems obsessed with me and won't leave my alone about getting back together with him and it's very stressfull to my new, very loving relationship. He doesn't get it, no matter what I say. Any advice...
LCarter
08-05-2002, 08:08 PM
To Christian-Momx3: My son is 21 with ADHD and I pray he meets a wonderful great woman like you some day who will love him the way he is. His ADHD comes out with anger. For the most part he does a good job of controlling it, but his last girlfriend brought out the worst in him. He holds down a job and for the most part does well without medication as an adult. ADHD definitely makes a relationship harder even with the parents.
LedHampton
08-06-2002, 01:24 PM
Christian-Momx3: "disease" is such an ugly word. otherwise, good for you - glad to see you waited it out.
Telsah: it is genetic and typically passes from father to son so i've heard - no medical links to back that up, but i think someone should agree with me..
Telsah: it is genetic and typically passes from father to son so i've heard - no medical links to back that up, but i think someone should agree with me..
Varika
10-15-2002, 04:17 PM
Personally, I don't think having ADD makes it any more difficult to have a relationship than, say, normal adolescent self-esteem problems. If you want it to work, you can make it work. You just have to be aware of and RESPONSIBLE FOR your shortcomings. That last one is the key, IMO. It's not right to say, "Oh, well, I have ADD, so it's okay to act like a total jerk." That's avoiding responsibility--especially since I doubt the ADD was really behind most of his behavior. Yeah, "I'm sorry, honey, I got involved in this discussion and forgot to call you!" can be reasonably blamed on ADD. Once in a while. But I canNOT beleive that "I screwed a random stranger" is a result of ADD, because ADD certainly doesn't take away your ability to know right from wrong! It's just as easy to say, "Babe, you know, I'm getting a little bored with the way we keep dong the same old things all the time. Let's do something wild and crazy. Let's run off for a weekend in the Poconos, or skinny dip in the Pacific." And while it might not be easy at the time, it's certainly KINDER to say, "I'm sorry, hon, but I don't think I'm ready for an exclusive relationship with you. I don't want to hurt your feelings, or stop seeing you, but I think I want to date some other people, too."
On the other hand, if you tell your partner, "I have ADD. Sometimes I lose track of time and forget to call people, and I might forget we have a date sometimes. I don't always do things the way people without ADD do them, and I definitely think differently and will probably, sooner or later, entirely miss the fact that you're upset over something unless you tell me to my face," it then becomes the partner's responsibility to be up front about things: "Hey, three nights in a row you said you'd call me and you never did. Write a note next time, ok? Here's a sticky pad, put that note where you'll be sure to SEE it!" or "Hey, my birthday's in two days, did you write it on the calendar? You promised to take me out to dinner."
But ADD or no ADD, cheating is NEVER something that's forgiveable! That's not an ADD issue, it's a lack of respect, and a lack of guts. I took it MUCH better when my ex said, "You know, there's someone else in my life, but I still want to be with you," than when she said "I'm not coming back from my vacation because I'm getting married." Truth up front might not be easy to chew, but it's infinitely more palateable thanfinding out you've been lied to for weeks. ADD is NOT an excuse to be a two-faced, lying jerk.
On the other hand, if you tell your partner, "I have ADD. Sometimes I lose track of time and forget to call people, and I might forget we have a date sometimes. I don't always do things the way people without ADD do them, and I definitely think differently and will probably, sooner or later, entirely miss the fact that you're upset over something unless you tell me to my face," it then becomes the partner's responsibility to be up front about things: "Hey, three nights in a row you said you'd call me and you never did. Write a note next time, ok? Here's a sticky pad, put that note where you'll be sure to SEE it!" or "Hey, my birthday's in two days, did you write it on the calendar? You promised to take me out to dinner."
But ADD or no ADD, cheating is NEVER something that's forgiveable! That's not an ADD issue, it's a lack of respect, and a lack of guts. I took it MUCH better when my ex said, "You know, there's someone else in my life, but I still want to be with you," than when she said "I'm not coming back from my vacation because I'm getting married." Truth up front might not be easy to chew, but it's infinitely more palateable thanfinding out you've been lied to for weeks. ADD is NOT an excuse to be a two-faced, lying jerk.
dinel
10-15-2002, 09:44 PM
I'm kinda going with Virika, sounds pretty accurate.
Harley1903
10-23-2002, 10:02 PM
I am an adult with ADHD and was only officially diagnosed when I was a senior in college. I am now 27, happily married and teaching. Having ADHD did make most things genuinely more difficult, as did my immaturity, but I was still responsible for the choices I made good and bad. Having ADHD isn't an excuse to do whatever you like...cheating etc...it just makes relationships more difficult, but not impossible. It's really just like any other difference that people have to deal with.