Hi all. I find this all quite intriguing. As you will have seen from my other posts, I was prescribed seroquel, but never took it (that was 5 months ago). I have been depressed since then, and certainly have remained suspicious of others (I just can't trust people) for years, but sheesh - in the past 2 weeks, people I have never seen before are coming into my room and doing pretty wierd stuff, and the voices are getting more regular. I have seen what I came to realise was my lampshade becoming human (long blond hair, strong powerful shoulders and red eyes). It smiled at me, and tilted its head both to the side and forwards - even smiled at me! Yesterday was the strangest day I've had since 2000 (when I was depressed, but never diagmosed with anything - I saw shadows all the time, and voices spoke to me 24/7, one time ordering me to slit my wrists - but my shrink didn't do anything except remain silent when I told him what was happening to me. I only saw the shrink because my girlfriend asked me to. But what I saw was real!). Anyways, back to yesterday ... I woke up, and the first thing I saw was a young girl (aged 13-16) wearing a blue knee-length dress and brown sandals, with short brown hear, flying above my bed. At first I though how wierd! But then I relaxed, and smiled at her. She smiled back at me. I though she was cute. I said 'hallo', and she said 'hi' right back. After a while, I got up (my wife was still asleep), and went to the kitchen for breakfast. She moved her head towards me, and smiled broadly. I became a bit uncomfortable, thinking this is too strange, so I began to try to focus on eating my food as vigorously as I could. When I looked up a while later, she had left the building.

In my office that evening, I heard a clear voice insulting me. I told him to 'shut up', and he told me 'why should I? I give the orders around here, and I'm in charge. You bloody fool!' I asked the voice, if it was real, to show me what he looks like. Immediately, I saw in front of me a middle-aged man dressed in military uniform, with a moustache, posing as if for a photograph for me. I said 'so what do you want with me.' And he said 'wait and you will see.' Other voices are also always insulting me, making me feel worhtless and angry. Driving home, there was a song on the radio, and I am sure that the lady singing was singing to me - she said 'I love you', and I said 'I love you too', then she said 'I'm going home', and I said 'Really? Do you live with me?' I know that the girl was speaking to me, but how do I tell anyone that? No-one is going to take me seriously. This evening I was singing while making supper when another voice interjected, and then another, and then there was a whole cacophany of singing voices in my head, in perfect harmony. We were dancing round the room for - I don't know how long, I'm not really conscious of time anymore. Anyway, I enjoyed it so much. But then I felt sad, but I can never cry. I don't know how to anymore? I feel emotionally blunted, dead really. As if I'm not really here. I don't want to feel this way, and the more this happens, the more confused and frightened I become. I can't tell people what I'm feeling. I told my wife and my Mom (who has the ability to draw out anything from me). I trust them. But I'm suspicious of most other people. If someone looks at me in town, I look the other way. If our eyes meet they will know what I am thinking, and that could be dangerous. My wife said something to me yesterday, and I told her that that was WOW, she read my mind. Freaked me out! Gotta find a way to keep my thoughts to myself somehow. Of course this is different - via internet - 'cos you can't see my eyes. That is the key to my soul. The eyes ...

I'm 24 years old and a university graduate completing a Masters this year. But my work is not going well lately - I just can't concentrate. I'm a runner, but don't feel motivated. I sleep as much as I can, because I feel threatened by life and other people. I know what I know, and this is all so real to me. And even though these people don't frighten me, and the voices, although cruel, are not always cruel, and so I'm not frightened. But I am confused. It's real to me, but my wife seems worried about me. So I guess there is a problem. But I don't know what to do. I just want to be happy, and for everyone to stop staring at me.

What a story! If I were you I would get the prescription filled for the seroquel and take it for a while and see what happens. You might find that it will help eliminate these hallucinations you're having. It won't work overnight either, it will take some time, possibly months. Atleast you realize that these are hallucinations and you realize that something is wrong, and that's the first step. Most people with schizophrenia don't realize that anything is wrong, but you do, and I see that as a good sign. Does your wife think that you should try the medication?

Wow! What an experience. You definetly need to start taking your meds. I would not be suprised if you didn't also need to be taking an antiphycotic. Please take your medicine and see what happens. Then if you are still hearing voices go back to your dr. and tell him/her what is going on. Don't stop seeing the dr. until the voices are gone. They are a danger to you and your wellbeing.

To Arebe: Actually, I said that this is very real to me, but mt wife tells me it's not. I can't understand why she says it's not real, when it's as real as anything else to me.
To Karla: I don't have any meds! I was prescribed seroquel, but never took it (partly because of a fear of side effects, partly because I thought it unneccessary). Now the prescription has expired. There are NO meds to take ...

My wife phoned my psychiatrist today. I agreed for her to do so, because I want to put her mind at rest. The psych says she's too busy to see me for several weeks, and besides which, says I must go through my shrink first and get a referral. However, she told my wife that she thought this was serious, and said I might consider going to a hospital psychiatric unit immediately. I think this is a bit much, but agreed to phone my shrink, who will be seeing me in four days time. He thinks it's serious, so now I am even more confused! Why do all these people think I am crazy, when all I know is that I'm just being me - alhough I'm not really sure who I am these days. I do feel I'm not really here, and feel emotionally and, at times, even physically dead. Last night I dreamt I was in a graveyard, and that I went into a science laboratory where they were doing experiments on dead bodies before placing them in their graves. When I walked in, the scientists all stared at me, and I knew they wanted to conduct experiments on me. Now today I am feeling anxious, and suspicious of people. A friend phoned earlier inviting himself over, and I was relieved when he cancelled. I think he wants to 'sass me out' or something. I know my wife isn't experiencing what I am experiencing, but I tell her that that is because the voices and my new friends are meant only for me - nobody will ever hear the voices or see my friends, because they came only for me. I don't really know why yet, but the military voice told me to wait for further instructions, and that's what I am doing right now. Will keep you informed ...

I feel excessively tired, and have an ongoing headache (like a drill exploding in my brain). I cannot concentrate on my work or anything else really, and keep irregular hours and eating patterns. When I try to read the writing is excessively blurred, and I think I am slurring my speech when I attempt to read out loud. I am aware that these are different to what I used to feel, but that doesn't change the fact that the visions and the voices are real and exist for me and me alone. I understand that other people think I am not behaving normally - but as far as I am concerned, I cannot understand why my wife doesn't see my world in the way that I do. It is somewhat frustrating. She told me that she came home yesterday and found me staring blankly, as if I was literally on another planet. Perhaps I was, but I really can't remember ... Can any of you relate? I feel safe in the internet - you can't see my eyes, and so my secrets are safe.

I have an academic paper to submit by next Friday. I wish I could concentrate long enough to write the damn thing (it's a religious paper), and I know that if I write it, something of myself will be imparted onto the guy whose marking it, and he will thus be able to spread a part of me into the reality of others' lives for me, in a way I cannot do (this is important as he is internationally known and respected). I see it as a holy grail, my duty to the world. Perhaps other people know that I know some of the world's deepest secrets, and they want to steal my knowledge from me. But they can't do it, unless they look into my eyes and thus steal it from me. I have a responsibility to protect what I know with my life if needs be. Nobody can really understand that! That is wht the voices and my friends have come specifically to me, to guide me in this task, my task as the bearer of the holy grail - that is, the secrets of the world.

[This message has been edited by Overdrive (edited 05-17-2003).]

You should definitely follow through and seek help as soon as you can.

I truly believe that if you take the advice of your doctors and possibly realizing that your wife is there to help you,, your life could be easier to deal with. No one is out to steal secrets from you, nor is there any further instruction you need to wait for. Life can be dealt with on a different plane when accurate medication is introduced and levels out the chemical imbalance. There are millions of others who are going throught the exact same thing. Give it a try, the side effects would probably be less severe than what your dealing with on a daily basis.
Were all here to listen to you, and to help if youd like.
Everything will be alright.
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/wave.gif

Hallo NewMe. Thank you for your input! I know my wife is concerned about me. That is why I've agreed to go to the psychologist on Wednesday. She phoned the psychiatrist, but that person refuses to see me for several weeks (she is fully booked). Besides which, I don't think she is very competent. I am hoping that my pschologist will be in a position to help me work out the meaning of my thoughts, my voices, and the messages that I am receiving ever more regularly these days (especially in the last 2-3 weeks).

You seem to dismiss the fact that I am starting to get very clear messages: My dream last night was a clear warning from my subconscious that I must be vigilant with the knowledge that I have been given. This afternoon I was walking to my office at the university, and I saw a brown envelope. It was empty, with no address. But, written in red were the numbers 312. These numers are significant. As soon as I realised this truth, the Book of Romans came to mind, and I realised that the message was for me to read Romans 3:12, and to consider its importance in my task of protecting the Holy Grail (ie the secrets of life, of human existence). Having read the passage, I realised why I am so suspicious of other people, and why they must not look into my eyes. I am being fed the secrets of life. I am the bearer of the Holy Grail. If they see my eyes, they will know my soul, and thus know the thoughts of my mind, my heart, my very being. I cannot let that happen. I must remain vigilant. Humanity have evil intentions, and there are some who see the potential of the knowledge with which I am being equipped. That is the message I received today. Thanks be to God. I have heard. I will obey!

Overdrive- Hello, I am happy that you find comfort with the internet....I hope you also can trust your Dr. enough to share this information with him...You are dealing with alot on your own, you need a friend to help you through this...You are right there is evil in the world, but there is also goodness...I pray you will have enough trust in your wife and Doctor so that they can help you with your feelings...There is nothing wrong wit your feelings, I believe that you are experiencing everything that you have described...I pray for your peace and well being ....

My mother has heard voices for years, and although she is not as intelligent as you are, has come to learn to live with them.

My brother inherited the disease from my mother, but the voices eventually caused his death - you see, he suffered from paranoia which led him to hide in the
Texas bush. He was found 2 month later - dead. How it pained me to bring his body back and I could not even see him, his body was so decomposed.

Of course these voices are real - which is why you need to be careful - they can eventually cause your demise.

G'day all! What an interesting day I had today. I saw a psychologist (the Godfather) who referred me to a psychiatrist 2 hours later. Well guess what? I am now officially a clinically diagnosed SZ. Feel very scared about it. The Psych says I'm having a 'Schizophrenic breakdown'. He prescribed Serenace, with Akineton to help with the side effects. I don't understand what's going on, but I am going to take the meds (starting tonight). The psych wants to see me again next week. Does anyone have any info on Serenace, and any other advice that may help me? I am struggling to come to terms with this diagnosis, and avoided phone calls this evening (not that that is unusual for me, but I REALLY didn't want to speak to anyone). Please help, anyone. I'm really scared (and not just of the side effects, although I see they are potentially pretty horrible too).

You have taken the first step - now take the meds, and as you have probably been doing, write a journal about how you are feeling. Take this journal with you next time you see your doctor. I think that as you reflect on your new journal and compare it to these postings, you will be able to see your progress or report any concerns you may have.

P.S. You are really fortunate in having such a loving support and family. May the gods of the universe protect you and yours.

Thank you. Started the meds this morning. Like you said, I feel whacked! Other side effects included: nausea, dry mouth, dizziness, and rigidity (only after the first dose, for about 30 minutes or so - stiffness in my arms and legs). Have had 2 doses thus far, and my third will happen in a few minutes. Feel trapped somewhere in the middle of what I was feeling, and a small sense that there is some other reality somewhere out there (?). Have been keeping a journal, and the docs both have a copy of it. Am feeling quite exposed! But calmer than I've felt in four months ...
Thanks y'all.

I will check in on you periodically. Know that I care.

Thanks all you guys! Your msgs are comforting and encouraging. It's great to know that there are others out there who can relate to my situation. Hope you are all well and recovering totally.

I've now been on the serenace (Haldol) for 4 days. The first day was horrible - experienced nausea, restlessness, dry mouth and chest area, and, mostly, extreme exhaustion (and some mild stiffness). Day 2 was better, but much the same as day 1. Day 3, however, was the worst! Having slept most of the day, I decided (foolishly, I realise now) to go running 6 miles in the afternoon. Half way through, I started to feel stiff from the neck to my toes (only on the right side of my body). I couldn't control my neck nor my tongue (which went purple and blue). Having been given a lift home by a security company who found me on the side of the road, my wife took me to hospital, where I was put on a valium drip for 30 minutes. Day 4 has been, well, I guess great! No side effects from the other night, and, apart from tiredness and restlessness, I feel fine.

Am seeing my psychiatrist again tomorrow for a follow-up. He has reduced the dosage after the dyskenetic reaction. No more hallucinations or voices, which I am grateful for - although adjusting to reality has been quite traumatic. Best wishes to you all!

It is amazing how much different you already sound - we are so lucky to have been born in an era where a little pill can reduce your anxiety and some pain!

Stay in there - it sounds like you are in great hands with your doctor and family. I am glad I was able to be of some solace.

In reading through this thread, it is obvious how the meds are already helping Overdrive. I hope Overdrive posts more so I can learn of the progress.

Hi all! Feeling good today. The meds have kicked in. My side effects today are no more than just plain tiredness. Otherwise, I am no longer hearing voices, seeing things etc. I actually feel 'born again', so to speak, like I've been given a second chance. I submitted my final paper for my Masters degree coursework (just a thesis now to complete), and I am definitely going to run the Comrades next month (89km)! Am excited, but obviously cautious in training. You see, I have that dystonic reaction while training last week, then on Monday I made it to 3.6km before feeling a bit (not much) stiff, but very tired. Yesterday I ran 4km and felt tired, but actually quite positive. Running 10km today, & hopefully I'll affirm my readiness to cope with 89km. Will keep you informed! How are all of you? I enjoy this space, as you give interesting advice and assistance, and you make me feel more positive re life and my future. Thank you!

It is so exciting to see how things have settled for you - having completed my masters several years ago while raising a family - I can only imagine the stress of the acceptance of your thesis, and now the work really begins - very cool that your head is clear to pursue what you started.
What is your thesis by the way? Just curious.

Hey all - and thanks Esperanza! My thesis is exploring the similarities and differences between the Anglican and Catholic Priesthoods, with emphasis on their attitudes towards transformation in post-apartheid South Africa. What was your thesis on?

Am still quite tired, but otherwise I am (I hope!) fully over my breakdown. Getting on with life, as they say. I do feel a bit depressed, though - sometimes I feel I'd prefer to live in my deluded world than in reality. I know that that is silly (stupid), and I don't feel that all the time, but I feel disillusioned increasingly. Might this be linked to the aftermath of the breakdown, or the fact that my dosage has recently been reduced (now a quarter tablet three times daily)? Any thoughts, and is it okay to take antidepressants while on Haldol? All the best ...

Wow, I would love to hear about this when you are done - if I had a 1000 lives, what I would not be interested in, I don't know--

My thesis was about leadership in schools. Do the informal leaders reflect current leadership and what are their characteristics? I was asked to participate in a symposium after it was done - what an honor. But what a pain - especially the pulling of the data together in a comprehensive format.