Hi guys. I've been lurking on this board for a while and can identify with some of the things I read here.

I have a son that is 22 now. He was diag. with ADD when he was around 10. he was medicated with Ritalin up until the 11th grade. Things got pretty bad then. We went though the usual things that many of you have gone through in the elementary grades. You know, bad grades, behavior problems, not fitting in and all. Once he got to the 11th grade things got to a whole new level. First alcohol entered the picture, then other drugs. It all culminated in some jail time last year.
One day I sat down and had a long talk with him. I told him that it appeared to me that I, in spite of being his dad, just did not understand his condition well enough. I confessed that I was unsure if the Ritalin had ultimately been a good thing or a bad thing. I appologized for the things I had done wrong and told him that I was going to do all that I could to understand him better.
I quit making demands on him. Job, school, etc. I pretty much let go and let him live his own life (he still lives here at the house). Amazingly, as I let go and my anxiety level decreased he began to get better.
I guess what I am saying is that I lowered my expectations. Was that a bad idea? Am I giving up? I don't know. I do, however, know that there is peace in my home now. My son is a different person.
I'm not really sure why I am posting this. I suppose it is becasue I wish that I had relaxed earlier in the game. I thought grades were really important. They really are not. I though him being accepted by peers was really imporant. It's not that big a deal. The important acceptance he really needs comes from me. He finally gets it.
Our kids are different. they may never make good grades. They may never go to medical school. they may never be perfect kids in the eyes of the world. They can, however, still accomplish a lot. Sometimes, as parents, we are all that they have. Let us not fall into the same trap the world around us has. Let us not be condescending, critical or judgmental. Let us be open and accepting. Let us be a refuge for them until they are able to figure things out on their own.

My son has a good job now. It's dangerous (ADD's and risk. I swear) but it pays him about %600.00 per week. He likes the work and it has given him new confidence. Funny thing is that this particular job can pretty much only be done by an ADD individual. Much multitasking required. How about that? For years I have treated that condition like a disease. Now, it appears that he may have a chance to get wealthy because of it !
Good luck to all of you.
Bruce

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

You wrote an absolutely beautiful, relevant message for all parents today. I am so glad things are going so well for your son. Thanks for sharing this!

Mydog8mybrain, I am sure your son is proud of you and he of you. That is a good story you shared with the board. You are right about ADD adults and children, they can be very talented and sometimes in the production aspect of a job. I know two people who are ADD adults and they can work circles around me. Sometimes we as parents do make mistakes, but we learn from them, as well as our children. Don't be so hard on yourself about the grades though, just think if they received no education and we didn't help them, where would they really be. I have no regrets in that manner. I didn't push mine, but I helped them in a lot of ways as far as my education would take me and then I would hire a tutor, but knowing they could make good grades helped their self-esteem greatly. I have noticed other replies you have given on the healthboard, you are a very smart man, Badgirl

"Let us not fall into the same trap the world around us has. Let us not be condescending, critical or judgmental. Let us be open and accepting. Let us be a refuge for them until they are able to figure things out on their own."
I am quoting what you a said because I want to remember it. Bravo! Great message for everyone. I am an adult with severe ADD predom inattentive type. I have a Masters Degree but have been fired from a lot of jobs. I am a mother now to a son who may or may not turn out to have predom inattentive type ADD or any number of other problems ( he is only 3) I think what you said above is a good thing for ANY parent to remember because every child is different and may not live up to our expectations.
Until you were able to stop following society and judging your son by societies expectations you were locking horns with him and making him feel bad and angry. That is a very very common mistake parents make and not something you should beat yourself up about but it's so great that you worked you way out of your habit parterns. When you son started feeling unconditional love from you he felt better about himself and you and he started really WANTING to please you instead of resenting you for what he probably percieved as your looking down on him.
I need to keep this in mind because my son is 3 years and 3 months and he is still wearing nappies. His teacher, his father and I have all been getting on his case trying to tell him that he has to use the potty. I can see the look on his face. It is a look I've seen on ADD kids I was teaching. We are making him feel bad about himself. He just isn't ready to use the potty for some reason and he knows he is "failing" in some way from our reactions. I am not sure what to do because his daycare is really on his and my case about it. I have to somehow approach this more gently and RESPECTFULLY.

...........Until you were able to stop following society and judging your son by societies expectations you were locking horns with him and making him feel bad and angry...............

Bingo. You hit the nail right on the head. that was our problem exactly. Actually, his mother was the one with the expectations and she was terribly mean to him during his adolescent years. Thankfully, she fell in love with some other guy, divorced me and left town. Made things very peaceful for my sons.

But in some respects you are right about the societal thing. I think we all can fall into that trap without knowing it.

YOu were right about the unconditional love thing. Once that got started on my part things got better on his part. It was just amazing.

Funny thing is that I don't remember reading much about that in any of the literature I read on the subject. Most of the stuff I read (now this has been a few years back so it may be different now) cast things in a sort of "OK - yer kid is messed up but here is the best way to unmess him so he can act normal" kind of tone. I mean, it was still a disease vs. cure kind of mentality that seemed to prevail.

I think I'll write my own book..... it will go something like....... " Yer kiddo is different. He will never make the honor roll, be a movie star or be president. He can, however, regard you as the greatest parent in the world if you will love him with every fiber in your being".

I know some kids are angry, some are mean and some are just plain stupid, however, they all seem to respond to love. With the exception of the pathologically sick, I've seen dozens of ADD boys respond to that one thing that sooooo many parents just can not give..... gool ole unconditional love.

Seems simple to me. Then again, I'm a pretty simple guy so there may be more to the picture than I am able to see.

Bruce

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

I really respect you for loving your children, that is great. It sounds like you have learned a lot over the years, good for you. Yes love is the most important thing. I have seen a lot of adults that cannot even love today or know how to love because they were not shown this in their childhood, very sad because they are missing out on a lot, your a good man, God Bless your home and children, Badgirl

Badgirl and others: thanks for the compliments. I'm just a basic guy and a dad.

Yes - the unconditional love theme is soooo important. I had it as a kid growing up. My mom and dad (and both sets of grandparents) were just splendid in that area. We always knew we were loved. Of course, my mom lost it when I was 15..... shot my dad and shot herself. Man, that was a train wreck.

But..... prior to that..... they were just the greatest. My childhood memories are just wonderful.

So ... moral is ..... give 'em all the love you can. Not always easy but it is necessary.

I think kids need to feel accepted within the walls of their own home. Heaven knows that outside those walls there is enough rejection, judgment, criticism, to fill the ocean. When they get home, though, things ought to be accepting. Even if their room is not clean, even if they smell of alcohol, even if they have had a bad day..... They still deserve to be loved when they walk in the door.

Just my two cents.

Good luck to everyone.
Bruce

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Those who dispense tough love to their children now should be prepared to receive same back from them in 30 years.

Great Story! It is the unconditional love that gives kids the "resiliency" to get through it all and succeed. So many fall into the trap as viewing their kids accomplishments as their report card as a parent. In the end, I believe the yardstick of success is how people treat each other DESPITE their differences. With that yardstick, I know my ADHD kid is going to outperform me as a human being. It took too long for me to "get it". It is good that you "got it" in time as well.