I am a new poster, but wondered if anyone ever experienced the terror and frustration at not being able to do even the simplest task or procrastinating to the point of self destruction? I suffered from this for an entire year, yet I felt physically fine and was not depressed, I simply could not do things I needed to do to survive. Read on if this has happened to you.

There was a change in my life a few years ago where I went through a divorce/job change and financial issues all at the same time. I was never organized, but married to a spouse who assisted me whenever I fell behind. After my divorce, I moved out on my own and experienced something that was so dark, scary and frustrating that I considered suicide as I couldn't figure out a solution to my problem. I tried therapy, meds(many kinds, combination), alternative healing, and still could not understand what was happening to me. For Example:
I was in excellent health, not depressed at all, could do fun things that I enjoyed but could not clean the dishes in my sink. I would look at them and almost cry, but something would not let me go to the sink and clean them. I had a high paying job, but could not pay my bills, I knew they had to be paid, but was powerless to actually pay them. I ruined my credit, went through my savings, but managed to somehow always pay my rent and support on time. I would watch as I sabotaged myself, knowing I needed to take action, but could not. My house became so cluttered that I could not move and I was living in filth. I could not even mail a letter if I had to put a stamp on it, and yet I could play tennis, go for a walk, and felt physically fantastic. I would cry out in frustration, and went to a multitude of doctors who had never encountered this problem. I didnt file my business expenses for an entire year, and had no idea what my monthly expenses were or couldnt get myself to look at things that were important. I started to withdraw and felt so overwhelmed, there was no space to even sort it out in my mind. All of my attention was fixed and I felt frozen. Has anyone ever experienced this? I remember trying an antidepressant, one of many and instead of alleviating my anxiety or assisting me, I found it easier to ignore things and just let my mail pile up in a bin. Credit cards were cancelled, money gone, I could not believe I could do this to myself and watch this happen, feeling like there was no solution. This was and is not simple depression.
Finally, I reached out to some friends, and decided to take action. I found that part of my paralysis was an emotional default, and if I was mindful, I could choose to shut down or move through the reaction. I reached this conclusion through my dreams, journal entries and self discovery. I am slowly building my life back, and take meds as part of the process. If I stay in a routine, like getting up and making my bed as soon as I get out of it, I can stay in a productive state. Its been almost a year, and my house is completely organized, every room, my finances are better, I still have my job and although I have issues still to deal with, seem to be progressing and feeling better about myself. I write this as I never encountered anyone who suffered like this and hope this entry helps others who might stumble upon this entry. I cannot express the horror I felt, and would do anything to assist others who may be dealing with this issue. I am not a professional, and would only offer my insights, experiences and wisdom. I created coping skills and would be happy to offer any assistance I could. I am just offering to help from my heart, and from a place of compassion. Have a great holiday, Wil

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 02-15-2003).]

Hey, Wil, if you're still out there?????

Yes, this sounds all too familiar. I have no motivation which my family can't comprehend. I can type my heart out on the computer but when it comes to some task as simple as watering my plants, writing a letter, just picking up the phone & dialing to make a phone call, I feel "paralyzed". (My older son also suffers from this.) His poor wife can't understand how he says he's "brain fatigued" & can't help out with simple household chores & paying bills, but can go out & play basketball for 2 hours!) He suffers from bad mood swings by the way. Not sure if this is related to his procrastination/lack of self-motivation.

So thanks for your offer to give support. I'm thrilled you've been able to work through this & would appreciate any help/suggestions you could offer.

Prayers & best wishes!

Hi CareyAnn:

I can relate to what you write about. I was initially surprised to see that my post was viewed but no one else experienced the same thing.

This was also the case when I sought professional help, no one could understand and wanted to quickly label me depressed and prescribe Antidepressants. I knew it wasnt the answer. I went to numerous Psychiatrists and also a Neurologist.

I created my own solutions and continue to improve upon them. I can only offer you my insights and experiences, but I also understand what you are going through. I actually documented everything in my journal as I had no one else to discuss it with.

Have faith in yourself that you will get through it and try to recognize when you are being harsh and judgmental towards yourself. It only adds to the frustration.
Wil



[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 02-15-2003).]

Hi Wil,

This is my first post to this message board but I have viewed it over the past few days. I just noticed your posting tonite and it was as though you were writing about my life. I have been living in the same emotional environment as you had; leading a normal life on the outside (holding down a job, spend time with friends and family), but I cannot bring myself to do the most simple tasks that most consider routine. I live in a nice large apartment that is cluttered beyond belief; It is like a death defying maze going from my bedroom to the front door. Doing dishes and laundry, paying bills, and just commiting to simple organization is beyond my grasp. I sometimes revert to using plastic cutlery to eat, will do wash when I completely run out of anything wearable, and have had my phone and cable shut off several times because I cannot get it together long enough to pay the bills which I have always had the money to cover.

Some of the most extreme examples of my behavior include the fact the I have 2 years of Federal tax refunds due to me amounting to alot of $$$ but due to simple errors when I filed they cannot release the money. I just keep putting off the simple act of picking up the phone and fixing the problem. I have had a faucet leaking for the past 6 months which is now just a steady stream for which all I have to do is pick up the phone and have my landlord repair but I cannot have him enter my place in the state its in. I could fix it myself in one afternoon but I chose not to. I have been like this for 2 years after a traumatic breakup; I have had issues with depression and ADD most of my life but when I have explained my struggle with organizational stability to my doctor or former therapist, they act completely baffled, never heard of this, etc...

I would like to communicate with you and any others who experience life like this. It has nearly driven my to complete isolation and suicide. Reading you post has made me feel that I'm not alone and that there could be hope.

Thanks and God Bless,

Paul

[This message has been edited by Paul C (edited 01-17-2003).]

Hi Paul:

Thanks so much for posting your experiences. I know exactly what you are going through.

I remember a time when my hot water heater was broken and I went almost two months taking ice cold showers because I could not bring myself to pick up the phone and call my landlord to replace it. I remember thinking how crazy I felt, and yet I went through all the paces and no one would have a clue as to what I was going through.

My mother also suffers from this to a lesser degree, but has many of the same issues. I met a woman who had this paralysis and she lived without heat and hot water for years due to the fact she could not clean her apartment and would not let anyone in her house. She would go to my mothers house to shower every morning and when offered help, she would refuse and not even acknowledge this due to the shame she felt. She held a job, looked fantastic, but the self judgment and self loathing caused her to completely withdraw. She recently died of cancer at 52. I believe she ultimately couldnt deal with her life and didn't know where to go for help. This was prior to my experiences and it was my Mom who clued me into the fact that others have had this experience.

I will construct a post of the solutions I found, but its still an ongoing process for me and I have made some major successes.

Hang in there, I appreciate your struggle and glad that my post was helpful and that you are not alone.
Wil

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 02-15-2003).]

Wil,

Thanks so much for the response. I'm so glad you are finding your way to a more productive and happy existence. You may find this hard believe but I had the same exact experience with the hot water heater. This went on for about 6 months and turned out that the hot water valve on the heater had simply been turned to the closed position for a maintenance check and never turned back. The situation occured many years ago and ultimately helped lead to the end of a relationship (she didn't like cold showers when she stayed over...)

I have read some of your posts throughout the site and appreciate your willingness to share and reflect on your struggles. Your experiences have so many parallels to what I live with and your ability to overcome so much has given me a new light of hope. I am extremely interested in learning of the use of Omega fish oil in your diet, how this has affected you, as well as how you've developed new organizational systems of doing things that have helped you along. It is interesting (yet distressing) that your mother has some of these traits. I wonder if this can be occur genetically through generations. Your story of your mother's friend who passed away from cancer was tragic and makes me seek desperately needed change now as the new year begins; I fear an existence and demise that this woman had experienced.

Thanks again for the encouragement Wil,

Paul

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[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 02-15-2003).]

Hi Paul:

I am glad you posted, I have been thinking about you and glad to know you feel you are not alone. There are many things I have done to help myself and each day gets better and when I make mistakes, I no longer beat myself up anymore and give myself credit for getting as far as I have, I realize I have more faith that if I stumble and fall, I will be fine and sometimes look at where I started and I feel better. One small positive can make a difference, can you find any? If not, perhaps we can create one together. This is public but I will post something I have learned and if you try, you will have a big positive to work with when you feel defeated. Are you ready? Here goes...

At one point, I became aware that I was afraid of almost everything, and of course I was paralyzed as we have talked about earlier. I remember I had read that having plants could be healing and theraputic and a good place to put your attention for a healthy activity. I researched it on the internet and got excited about it.

When I went to buy plants, I found I was terrified and had total paralysis and frozen with fear at the thought of buying plants and I hated myself even more, does that sound familiar? It was at this point after numerous therapists/and everything else that I stumbled upon my own solution from something larger than me I guess.. but read on..

I found that when I looked at why I was terrified I couldnt find an answer. It was a default and I never noticed that I had this default built into my being. I started to realize that all my fears and paralysis were a default and I never stopped to ever consider an alternative, it simply was my reaction to almost everything, hence the paralysis. It never occured to me to be mindful or even notice that I had this default. So, I looked at my fear of plants/care/selection and wondered why I instantly went into a default mode. I wrote in my journal about the issue and tried to remember if I had any memories of plants or something similar in my childhood or any other time. I instantly flashed on my Dad telling me what an idiot I was and could never care for anything and make anything grow. I had completely forgotten the incident, but the emotional default was still in place yet I didnt even know it existed! I simply reacted without being mindful, it was normal for me to do this for just about everything. So I took another look at my fear of plants and words flowed from me and it said "if I am mindful I can look at the reason behind my fear and response, once I looked at why and where it came from, I was able to make another decision and went to get plants. That was a year ago and I have a green thumb and they are everywhere and I uncovered a new gift.

I looked at why I couldnt make a phone call to my landlord and get my hot water heater repaired or even why i didnt want to look. I was paralyzed and I never even paid attention to it other than it was just an automatic default, I never questioned or noticed I was doing this, it was just like breathing to me, it just happened. Does this sound familiar? So I looked again and found a memory/event from the past again with my Dad where I was criticized for something I was trying to fix. I felt diminished by him and that feeling became my automatic default for the category of having to repair anything. It didnt matter what it was, it was my automatic default and if something went wrong or needed repairs, I wouldnt even think about an alternative, I didnt even think about my automatic default, it was simply a paralysis and that was what I had my attention on. Since my attention was on my paralysis I would get angrier and more frustrated at myself, and the negative reinforcement would continue, it never occured to me that I had automatically shut down and that an emotion was directly related to this and anything else I included in this category called "repairs/anything broken'. Again in my journal I wrote about this as well and the phrase if I am mindful... and plugged in another possibility, and it was to call and gave myself a choice and found it was easier once I became aware of why I automatically shut down. It felt funny at first, but after almost a year, I have eliminated almost all of the paralysis bit by bit.

Paul - If this makes sense to you in any way and you get honest with yourself, try looking at a smaller issue first until you are comfortable before the larger issues are handled. For example, take your previous issue with the water heater. Did you and do you continue to automatically default and not even think about it at all other than to focus on your paralysis and the anger and frustration that comes with it? If so, did you notice you missed the fact that you automatically defaulted without knowing it and never noticed? You didn't even have a chance to fix it or look at it did you? The process was so automatic it didnt even occur to you. Isnt that amazing? Can you associate an emotional event that might have triggered this default for this entire category of 'Fixing things/repairs" - you may find somewhere in your life something that triggered this automatic default. Once you are aware of this, you can be mindful and give yourself a choice - the consequences of an automatic default you werent even aware of or be mindful and choose something else. Now that you have choices and have some attention on the choice and not on your paralysis, you are able to get it done. And you are free from judgment for that particular issue. And you will have a small positive to build upon and use should you judge yourself for something else. I realized all my paralysis was tied to an emotional event, and by being aware of the default, I gave myself a choice for the first time in years and didnt even need to get stressed about it. Hope this helps, if so let me know and we can try some other coping skills/exercises I created to help myself.

I also looked at the things I had no problems with and found I have no negative emotion tied to them or any related activities that were labeled in the same category. I am a very good athlete so any sports related activities were easily handled and I had no paralysis at all. Isn't that cool? Look at the things you can easily do in your life and see if it holds true for you? If so, you just made a major hurdle in your life and can build on it. It also cleared up the mystery of why I could do some thing without any effort at all despite the paralysis of the rest. None of the doctors/professionals could give me a reason why that occured other than to label me depressed and offer meds. One suggested I was Bi-Polar and suggested Lithium, could you imagine being on meds for years due to something so simple? Do you think it happens with other issues or problems? I notice a shift as people take responsibility for their own wellness and include a visit to a doc/specialist as part of their own due dilligence prior to making final decisions about their path of treatment.

As this is a public forum there is no privacy and comments or opinions are fine with me. I make no assertions or any experience as a Therapist/psychiatrist and I work in the corporate business world. I notice with my kids that areas of difficulty can be overcome much the same way. To be honest, I would never have posted this publicly had I an option, but if one person experiences relief or eliminates a lifetime of suffering, isnt that amazing? Thats the point of the boards eh? Please remember this if you are posting and disagree entirely.

Wil




[This message has been edited by Wil (edited 01-20-2003).]

Yes - yes - yes!!! Wil has "paralysis of the Will" that's too funny (well - it would be if it weren't so serious!). I just found this message board, otherwise I would have replied earlier.

Your scenerio certainly sounds familiar to me!! In fact, as I write, I'm sitting in a room full of stuff that I'm getting ready to "organize" - well - thinking about getting ready to! I just started counseling (again) to deal with some of these "sabatoge and procrastination" issues and already have gotten some good ideas. Glad to hear you came "out of it"! I'd love to hear more examples or motivators. "Just Do It", (the non-ADD viewpoint), doesn't always work for we fellow ADDer's!

Di

Di:

Thanks for the feedback, and your sense of humor. Its appreciated, but I decided against posting any more personal discoveries for the time being. I feel a bit exposed and that I am a rarity here, 172 views of my posting and only 3 replies.

I now realize that most venture into the ADD forum for med information and very few experienced what I have, so its too personal for me to continue sharing stuff that very few can relate to in the first place.

I considered deleting what I posted, but your response is enough for me to leave it alone and might assist someone else who stumbles upon this by accident and offers hope.

I also learned that you cannot help anyone who doesn't want to help themselves. I responded to two other postings and realize I wasted my time trying to help and feel a bit foolish for doing it publicly.

I give myself a pat on the back for trying though!!!! Take care and have a great day.

Wil

Good going, Wil. Your succinct phrase, "paralysis of the will" is highly descriptive of many of us who live with ADD. Until I learned to get a routine going and follow the "only handle paper once" mantra, I regularly fell into complete paralysis when confronted with paying bills, solving common daily problems, etc.

I'm lucky to have a great partner in my life who help keep me from spinning off into inability. But he doesn't really want to always - as he used to put it - be the missing part of my brain. I was pretty sure that I had ADD from reading about the disorder, but even I was blown away when reading "Driven to Distraction". It was my life!

I've finally taken the bull by the horns and gotten a professional diagnosis of ADD (no surprise), and am just beginning a course of medication. This may not be my med - I'm not physically comfortable with Adderall, but I'm amazed at the way it seems to close all those hundreds of open doors in my brain, where snippets of thought go in and out every second, making it difficult for me to even remember why I walked into a room. I'm willing to give this med a go, and then if it's not right, try something else. I'm a physical fitness nut and eat very healthy - and it drives me nuts to see posts by those folks who equate medication with evil and insist that natural herb-based pills and restricted diets are the way to go. Those of us with ADD know that we've been through the ringer since early childhood, and I can guarantee you that I've eaten better than any of those diets.

I think it's great, however, that there are so many new ways to tackle ADD - and different people will respond to different therapies. It just gives such *hope* ... which is what I was missing for all those years.

So thanks for sharing your experiences.

EllayGuy

Thanks Ellay Guy:

Isn't it a relief to know you are not stupid and can finally stop beating yourself up for things that seem to easy to others?

I take Adderall but have been exploring all types of options, I hate how I feel on Adderall, it takes away my creativity and my upbeat personality. I can actually feel it wash over me, but it does help me to get the stuff done that I tend to avoid/procrastinate with.
I recently looked at my diet and other factors and will never stop until I can find a solution that does not include meds. Until then, I have to function and do take them combined with other supplements in the hopes I can reduce or eliminate any med. I tried them all Adderall was most effective for me, but still dont enjoy how I feel on it.

Good luck,
Wil

Yes, Wil, it's extremely good to know that there is actually something that can be *done* for the horrible problems with attention. I really had almost given up, although I had learned to cope in some interesting ways and had become very successful in business. Personal life wasn't as structured and it was a mess and very torturous.

Like you, I'm not fond of Adderal, but I've only been taking it for a few days. I don't think it's going to be the solution for me. I've tried the dietary methods, but they've done nothing for me. I eat very healthy, and my diet already was 90% of what they recommend. Same with fish oils, et al. The meds were for me the very last stop on a long journey - I made sure I tried all the rest first. I'm not judgmental about meds, and I don't automatically think there's anything wrong with taking them. They're just chemicals, as is what makes up the chemistry of the brain. What I'm looking for is something which provides my brain with the chemicals it needs *without* screwing around with my clarity of thought or affecting my physical well-being. Now that I'm on this part of the journey, I'll see what meds work and what meds don't. But I have to give it a try, which is why I'll stay with the Adderall for a bit, provided it doesn't take away from my quality of life.

I suspect that I'll do better on the meds like Wellbutrin, which a friend of mine, who matches my symptoms almost 1 for 1, has been doing very well on. Nothing is perfect, nothing guaranteed, but that's life. I'd like to just do better, or at least the best I can. It was really good to hear how you felt about the drug and how you've balanced your need for the drug's positive effects with its negative side.

Good luck to you, Wil.

EllayGuy

Will,
I am not surprised that you did not get a lot of replies to your post. You have done a great deal of work looking into your life and to get on track. Not all are capable of that big picture look of how and why. It is obvious that you are of the belief of the mind/body continuum. I remember many moons again believing that it was mind over matter. That was before having an ADHD child. As with you, I won't stop until I am COMPLETELY sure that every avenue has been explored for lifetime success. Sometimes when you get off track, it takes a lot of work to back on. You have obviously done that, a very wise soul. btw, procrasination is not just for ADDers. Don't lose the lesson that you have learned. I am guessing that there a lot of CHADD members that would be interested in your wisdom! Be Well!

Addvocate:

Your kind words are appreciated.

Your child already shows how gifted he is by his choice of parents.

Wil

I have to thank God for that, adopted. He had so many lessons in store for me, I didn't begin to understand!

Will - if you're still out there -
Just got through reading these posts. Wanted to let you know that I, too, suffer from the same perplexing disorder you describe. I have an ADHD son (my youngest). My older son does not seem to suffer w/ADD. I have my suspicions that I too have ADD. Cannot organize ANYTHING, house always a mess, gone without hot water & air conditioning for fear of allowing people in to fix it and thereby witness my extreme disorderly ways. I don't think my malady is as pronounced as yours. I too had to delve into my past to figure out an answer as to why I was like I was. The short of it is, extreme trauma to my psyche as a child. This trauma of course, remained buried in my brain, and I was unaware that it had even occurred until I hit 30, and some program on TV brought it home like a bolt of lightning. Needless to say, I was a mess for weeks trying to deal with it all - a lot of anger too. After much soul-searching, and some counseling, I realized that the bottom line was I didn't really care for myself as a person, didn't think anyone else did, and didn't think I deserved anything good in my life. This was the subconscious control over my life, why I chose to walk the razor's edge when it came to letting things go as far as they possibly could before I would disintegrate.
Anyway, I wanted you to know that I'm glad you posted. I really didn't think there was anyone else out there who could identify with me. These days, things are better. I've recently bought my own home, and, although I have a lot of boxes, I've actually been able to throw some stuff away. (did you, by the way, find it hard to throw stuff away? I mean, I still have receipts from stores from years back, not important stuff - just stuff like groceries!! And I can't begin to tell you how much stuff I have from the 60's & 70's!) My kids make fun of me. They are so insistent on keeping their stuff organized (even the one with ADD!) And they have absolutely NO problem throwing stuff away. I am grateful that they did not inherit my housekeeping ways, though. But then, they have not had the traumatic history from which it stems. So, to you & the other folks who posted THANKS!!!

Hi Mack:

Thanks for your post, life has gotten better for me as well and I keep rolling uphill. There are probably numerous solutions/combinations that help towards healing and I only posted my experience cause I had not run across anyone else who had the same issues. ADD coupled with emotional abuse was a tough hole to pull myself out of. Thanks again,
Wil

Hi

My here I was actually looking for a board for cataracts but in my usual ADD way got destracted and found you all.

Paralysis of the will I must use it it is so apt to how I felt but could never phrase it so well I could be up all night soing a tax return because it had to be posted in the morning but the kitchen would look like some strange scientific experiment on the concept of how quickly mould will clean plates(not quite as bad but you get the idea) I just couldn't do things and no idea why I would stand in the siting room and say right now I will do X then Y and 2 hours later of flicking through the tele or a mag some time on the internet etc I would still be saying now I mucst do X or Y.

Luckily for me at 41 I came acctross a lady who recomended a nurologist who had helped her and she said how I appeared and what I said was so familiar to her she didn't tell me at the time what she had but I saw him and I have ADD inattentive type I have been on ritlin for ! year and I have the occasional paralysis of will but I can beat it at last it is such a great feeling took a while as I was in such a shock that there was aname foir it.

spooky

Wil- your post "paralysis of the will" is phenomenal. It fits me to the "T". I am so paralized right now I cannot even say everything I want to say in this message board. I feel overwhelmed. Growing up I also had a mother with ADD. Not to the debilitating extent I have though. SHe wanted so bad to protect me she woudl become very angry with me whenever I showed signs of ADD. Instead of helping me it made it worse. My mother did and does love me, but it was also an emotionally abusive situation for many years. In the past three to four years she and I have reconciled and worked many things out. I am a Christian-otherwise I never would've been able to do so. I wasn't even diagnosed with ADD until recently-October 2001. No one ever would have guessed. I am a fighter- or at least I used to be- the manner in which I would "cope" w/my ADD and with my mother's unbearable criticism was to do all I could- my best- to prove her and those who didn’t believe in me wrong-to cash into the advantages-the benefits of ADD- the creative side of us- in so many ways I have recently learned that ADD can be used to our advantage- it makes us special- creative-intelligent-UNSTOPPABLE- when it lets us that is. I had straight A's growing up. My mother loved me but was still critical. I was able to overcome the negative part of the ADD by thriving on the positive reinforcement and approval of other adults in my life while I was a child. Mt teachers, my coaches, non-profit orginazations I particiapted in, my pastors, my church, the elders at my church, the congregation, my youth group- I had a polished reputation that kept me going-made me overcome. This was very dangerous. I was accepted into every IVY League University I applied to. I was a junior olympian in the german gymnastics team growing up. I graduated second in my class in high school- when I lived in the states I made public appearances and protests for the greater common good of all- I started a "feed the homeless" ministry at the tender age of 15 at my local church. I was captain of the cheerleading squad. I knew I was talented, special, and capable. I knew there was something different about me that allowed me to succeed, to thrive-some strange obsesseive energy. WHen I went to college I flunked out. I could not direct my energies. I found that when someone had a negative view of me- like my physics professor at Stetson University (you see I was going to get PhD in physics, win the nobel prize, and become an astranaut)-but if someone thought I coldn't make it- well... when I went to college I no longer had structure-at home my mother knew school was imperative-so she made sure all i ever had to worry about was school- no bills, no getting groceries, food, preparing meals- making appointments- calling and changing appointments- she took care of it all. When I went away I had no skills in handling the everday stuff of life. So for the first time I did poorly in school- and to boot, it was compounded by the negative expectations my physics professor had of me-he had such enjoyment and satisfaction in my struggles and failure. I hated him for it. I moved home. My father passed away and my fiance and I broke up the same week. My mom and step-dad had problems and kicked me out of the house...through the years many other things happnned. I got depressed- I did eventually get my 2 year degree. My academic record is quite strange to look at. It is dotted with areas of striaght A's and then areas of failures, or bad grades. In October of 2001 I saw a Psychiatrist- I was so depressed- I hated myself...I despised me-I failed to live up to everything i Know i can be- and to make it worse people who acted like my enemies savored my defeats-used them against me- I was almost done with my 4 year degree- but had been dismissed academically. I decided I did not deserve a degree-and that they were right- I was wrong, irrisponsible, and deserved what I got. I was not "cut out for it". This hurt so bad. My mom begged me to call the school one last time and see if anything could be done. I had already been dismissed several times and thanks to the ADD brilliantly fought and convinced the administrative people there to let me back in. But I knew I had burned my bridges. I called anyhow- I was in tears when I made the appointment- I told the secretary that I was too ashamed of myself to appear in person and talk to the necessary individual there. That admin. person who I was too emberassed to talk to called me back- she was sweet, supportive- she said she would let me back in under the condition that I would see a psychologist at the university. I did. I did more than that. I also saw my pastor-he recommended a psychiatrist, I continued to see the psychologist from school- I joined a program for people with academic difficulties who need support. They assigned a mentor- I met with her once a week- she was like a big sister-kept me on track- that program had me take a course for Learning with my ADD. I was back on track. I prayed about meds for three months before decided to take them. My prescription was for Aderall. I am poor and have no insurance. So, when I finally accepted the meds, I went to the pharmacy to get my Aderrral AND my Zoloft (antidepressant)- the clerk told me it would be a total of 450 dollars (that was per month). I sank to the floor and burst into tears. The pharmacist felt bad for me. Begged me not to cry. Told me to go online and see if I could get some "patient assistance" for the zoloft. WHat I needed most was the Aderall. I went on line-found the pharmaceutical companies. NO patient assistance for Aderrall- but there was some for its competitor-concerta. and for Zoloft. I contacted my psychiatrist and had the pharmaceutical companies send the necessary info. My psychiatirst had no idea Concerta had patient assitance. It is now a part of the office offered assistance to those in need there- I was happy to know others would be able to get the meds they needed. I was doing good. Then I got a new mentor in my program. And the admin lady who was so helpful left for another campus and someone else was put there instead. My new mentor was helpful, not as much as the last though- I went to the physics department where I knew the Chair Professor there, and the advisor thought poorly of me- with good reason- due to my academic inconsistencies. It was like pulling teeth to pin them down to meet with them. I went around in circles trying to tell them they were right in their doubts about me, and to let them know I had sought professional help for the past year, and would like their guidance so I could take the last 2 classes I needed to graduate, and figure out what to do about a course I had an incomplete in. That incomplete- the professor had retired and the course was no longer offered. But my contingency for readmission was that I get that taken care of by such and such date. Such and such date was still a year away- but I wanted to plan accordingly. They never followed up despite my calls, and appearances. So in June of last year I made a meeting will all involved and wrote a letter telling them everything. They did not make the time to meet with me until mid september. I had gotten permission from the retired professor to finish my incomplete without his having to be paid out of the kindest of his heart- the professor who was the chair absolutely forbade it. He also went on to berade me. I refused to cry. I kept my cool. I was diplomatic. In a professional manner he told me I have shown myself incapable of completing my degree- and so forth- I apologized and affirmed that I understood why he felt that- (he obviously did not take the time to read the letter I wrote-it even had letters from my pshychiatroists, mentor, psychologist, and so forth)....then he told me he refused to let DR. SO and so help me finish my incomplete. I said I would respect his authority and then asked him how he would advise, therefore I proceed. He said it was not his problem...I finally convinced him to call the admin lady who had got me readmitted to figure out a solution- he told me there was a new person there now. That they would contact her instead. I asked when I could get a followup- a couple of weeks they said. Nothing. Time passed. Nothing. I moved to a house my grandmother bought so I would not have to pay rent and could finish my degree. I called repeatedly nothing. Finally I called the admin lady myself. She said she would email him and wait for his reply saying he would not support me in this incomplete....I even ended up in the hospital for a week-and then had surgery and was in bed for three weeks and still called all of them. i visited her before my surgery-told her I did not want to have to worry about this come December because I was going away to visit my fiance for 2 weeks- and did not want to get dismissed or have any trouble come this January 2003- when I was to take one of my last 2 classes offered once a year only- the day after surgery I was on painkillers but called to follow up-she told me not to worry. I called before I left the state-nothing. I called while I was away-nothing. I was dismissed while I was away. I called again. Nothing. I called when I returned. I got yelled at. Told it was my fault for not taking care of it before. I just about came undone. I remained humble and diplomatic- I went to class and asked the professor if I could register late after this mess was fixed-not a problem- the new admin lady was not helpful- I begged and pleaded- still nothing- I talked to my mentor and begged her to talk to her. Finally she approved me for readmission. Then my second mentor left and I was assgined a new one. A couple of weeks ago I missed a class- I am still in recovery and sleeping a great deal- i called my professor an hour before lecture and asked his permission to miss class-not a problem....the next time there was class the professor advisor of the dept. had spoken with my teacher- showed him my transcript ant convinced him not to let me into class anymore. My teacher was suppossed to sign the form that day- I had it with me. I show up- and my teacher tells me I am not allowed in class-to go talk to the advisor. I waited an hour for him. He showed up and told me he spoke with the admin lady-they agreed that despite my being in the special program to help students, that I had not done my part. That I did not take their advise. I never followed up. I did not do as I was told. That he thought I was not a serious student capable of physics- and they were not going to let me in class or support me- and that I was irresponsible and not going to get a degree there. Their proof was my not taking care of the incomplete in time before the deadline for me to get dismissed. I was in disbelief. I walked out. I lost it. I walked around campus weeping uncontrollably. My lips were quavering. Concerned strangers stopped me but couldn't understand what I was saying. I tried to see my former psychologist at the school- she wasn't there- i had no hope-the program that had initiated my hope snatched it away again- the program that encouraged me was now preventing me from finishing. They made me stay to see an "emergency therapist" I walked into her office- still trembling-and weeping uncontrollably. She said "I can talk to you for five minutes, but I can't help you because you are not registered"- then handed me a list of private psychologists out of the university I can contact. The irony. I walked out. Grasping at straws a former professor of mine that passed away suddenly last year-whom had become a surrogate father to me- had once mentioned to me an "umbudsman". I went to the dean's office. I asked. They said it was Dean so and so. I knew Dean so and so worked on daily basis with the mean admin lady. Why would he support me against his colleagues advice? I walked away. His secretary ran outside and chased me down. Begged me to come in and talk to her. I told her everything. The Dean fixed it so I can still graduate. I may have to swtich majors though- it will take longer that way and I would have to post pone the wedding-But that is not the point. They have not been held accountable. The past three weeks I have been unable to do anything. On top of that the concerta has gradually lost its effectiveness it seems. I am back to where I was before. I couldn't even bring myself to go to my psychiatrist and get a refill for my meds. So I have no meds now. He is out of the country for a month. On top of that when I did see him before he left, he upped my zoloft- but I know my concerta isn't working anymore. Before that I missed two appointments with him. ANd I missed an appointment with my psychologist. And now that the Dean fixed everything all I have to do is fill out a piece of paper and turn it in for the incomplete to be done away with. But I can't bring myself to do it. I missed an appointment with the new mentor and the new admin lady wants to know why but I don’t even want to talk to them anymore. I can sit here for hours and write about it- but I can't do it. I'm about to have my water, electricy and cell phone turned off. I can't sit down and figure out my bills to pay them. I had the money for the water- ran down there and wrote a check last minute before disconnection and never put the money into the account-it bounced twice (or at least I think so- I cant bring myself to verify that was the check that just bounced). I called the electric company and got two extensions-each last minute- my home phone was disconnected and i don't care- i have a cell- but no money to pay that-I was able to put it off for yet another week-have no idea what I will do until then. I was relying on my financial aid. IF I can't even get out of bed to go to the bank- how am I going to hold down a job besides my nanny position? which I love and will not leave.....i love those boys- it is the only thing I want to do- it is the only thing I can bring myself to do responsibly is to get out of bed and make it on time down there to care form them twice a week. My internet will be disconnected any day now.... I find myself hating me once again. I was in tears before I found this site....I barely have the will to fight anymore- to explain it- to fix it- there are glimpses of when I do- but they don’t last- I’m not even angry anymore-just tired- I just want the world to go away- to live in loneliness- to die there. they were all right about me- my mom, the professors- I am irresponsible if I cannot do these things. I even blew it when I did go on a mission to get help and fix it....look at me now!!! How can there be any hope now?

Hi Charlotte Aimee:

I read your post and hope you get a chance to read my reply. Darkness and difficulty are overwhelming but you might try something I use to cope - especially when you are stuck. Please read -

Remeber to stop at say to yourself "just like me, everyone has had awful times in their lives" and then take a deep breath and remember that everything you have experienced so far is behind you and let it go. I sense a few things going on - self loathing and judgement based on behaviors that have already been done and is creating your current paralysis. As you read this, if you pay attention to the words I am writing you will find that after you finish reading this you will have forgotten for the few moments it took to read this that you are paralyzed and stuck. Isn't that interesting? When we keep our attention focused on the problems, mistakes and our inability to cope, we really are keeping the focus on ourselves and it becomes a dark and never ending cycle, hopelessness can set in but its an illusion. Please read on -

If I were in your situation, the first thing I might want to do is find immediate relief from the thoughts that are attacking me and keeping me in such an awful state of mind. To release these thoughts, it requires very little energy and will give you instant relief so you can relax and take some action. Read on -

Go get some nail polish and do the following. Polish either your toes or your hands, it makes no difference. AS you paint each individual nail, put all of your attention on the polish as it goes up and down your nail. Notice the color, pay attention to how it shines in the light, observe how much space your nail takes up in relation to your toe or hand. Say all of this out loud while you are putting your focus and attention on the nail you are polishing. Continue polishing your nail until it is completed. Take a deep breath and go on to the next nail or finger.

I guarantee you that if you try and focus all of your attention on this simple action, by the time you are on the second or third nail, you will have some relief from your anxiety and feel very calm and peaceful.

What you are experiencing is not having any free attention and most of it is fixed on self judgement/monitoring and on the emotion that is underlying and causing all of your problems and paralysis.

It is hard to take action and see clearly when you are trapped in fixed or frozen attention and stuck in your head.

If you try what I suggested and really pay attention to what you are doing, you will create a space for yourself and be able to take some action towards your healing. Any time you feel yourself panicking again or feel your thoughts are focused on yourself and paralyzed, try doing something and putting your attention outside of yourself, similar to what I suggested earlier.

Your fears/anger/paralysis are not you but something that is resulting from the judgement you have on all the stuff you experienced and your inability to handle the tasks necessary to move ahead. Remember that if all of your attention is focused on what you are unable to do, you might forget you can choose something other than your current default paralysis. There is an emotion underneath that is triggering you to forget you have another choice other than paralysis.

Also - are you keeping any secrets from anyone? your boyfriend? Are you keeping secrets about your behavior from anyone at the moment? I have a sense you will find even more immediate relief and might even experience a sense of euphoria due to the release of the secrets you are holding onto. Isnt that amazing? If you like, tell your secrets to someone else if you are afraid to tell the person you are keeping it from. Either way you will experience additional relief and even more free attention. Here is why - read on

We only have so much attention that we use to operate in the world we live in. We start out with everything we need when we are young. But as we get older, every time we keep a secret, we take some of our attention and use it up, it takes even more attention to remember which secret we need to keep from whom. All of this becomes exponential until we finally run out of attention and find we are barely present and unable to function in the world. When we feel like this, it becomes a downward spiral and becomes even harder to operate in the world, Isnt that wild? Plus having ADD there is a natural inclination to keep secrets to hide what we feel is inadequate about us. Keeping secrets can become habit forming and branch out into other areas of our lives. When we have no attention, we can become paranoid, afriad and closed off from the world and trapped inside of ourselves wondering what is wrong with us and stuck on the thought of how awful everything is and we continually reinforce all our negative thoughts on ourselves continually. It can be terrifying and its absolutely incredible to try the simple exercise described above and be released from the torment. You will be amazed!!!

Remember to describe out loud and pay attention to what you are doing, use the nail polish activity and you will be amazed and probably cry from tears of relief. Please know I understand where you are and when you feel relief, you will be able to take action and fill out the form you need to complete. Please know your tears of relief will be heard by many, and know that in my neck of the woods deep in anonymitity, I will be crying those same tears of relief for you.

Wil

Hi Wil,

I'm printing and saving your posts on paralysis of the will. This tendency was affecting me to the point of being non-functional in life. I always just assumed that I get overwhelmed easily, so I just need to break things down and force myself to do things. I never got anywhere discussing this problem with anyone, including my therapist, because I had no idea how to explain that something like mailing a letter could leave me so exhausted. I never paid attention to all of the emotions I was trying to push aside and ignore when I did these things. I feel like I have something I can work with now.

I apologize because my main question isn't directly pertaining to the topic at hand. What I want to know is about the self-discovery work you did to figure this out. Did all of that come by just by paying attention to your dream symbols and noting your reactions to things? The reason I'm asking is because I've recently started on dream work to work on some of the issues in my life, and I feel I'm limitied on the amount of time to figure them out. I like the results you got so I'm curious on what you did.

Thanks,
Kiersten

Hi Kiersten:

I took some self development courses dealing with attention. Dream work is something I found helpful as well. I dont understand your comment about your time being limited regarding your dreams - you do it anyway, just write them down when you wake up.

If you post again, I will provide more info.
Wil

Wil! Thank you so much for taking the time to post what has helped you deal with paralysis of the will.

I will try the exercise you described & hope to find relief from these negative thoughts that seem to constantly bombard my conscious efforts to overcome the paralysis.

Also thank you for sharing your experiences with your dad. I believe I can trace much of my paralysis to BOTH my parents who were perfectionists & criticized everything I did. I was an A student, in the National Honor Society, got all kinds of academic awards & scholarships but it wasn't good enough for them. They were always holding out the "carrot" to me & just when I thought I'd be able to reach their goals for me, they'd up the bar making it more difficult for me to achieve. Finally, I guess I just gave up trying.

I still hear my mother's critical words at whatever I attempt to accomplish, "If you can't do it right, don't do it at all!" That was one of her most damaging mottos. When I didn't receive their approval & praise, I figured I couldn't do it right so I gave up trying. I know I have creative talent somewhere but it's been trampled on so many times that the creative juices stopped flowing (or is it that I allowed them to remain in the recesses of my paralyzed will?)

Thank you again for steering me in the direction of getting to the bottom of my being "stuck". I have purchased a journal & will start to focus on what I need to deal with emotionally to get "unstuck".

Hugs, prayers & best wishes!

[This message has been edited by moderator1 (edited 02-15-2003).]

Wil,

I didn't mean that my time is limited so much in terms of my dreams, but the time frame I'm working in to sort things out and gain some control over my life. I opted to accept a government program that will pay for the remainder of my college if I enroll right away and know what I want to do. I don't feel capable of making any major decisions, but I already very nervous about the amount of money I owe in student loans and all of the career goals I've looked at require a masters degree. On top of this, I've been unemployed for a while and need to start working. I'm going to be put on mood stabilizers and hopefully something for concentration soon which should help out.

The problem is that I'm terrified. I've been trying for years now to get my degree. I'm used to pushing myself to the point of ignoring any damage I'm doing to my physical health and emotional health. That used to be enough for me to just get by on, then it eventually reached a point where my body just wasn't holding up at all. The last time I made an attempt in college I ended up with so many health problems my doctor wanted to put me in the hospital. I was still being yelled at by everyone that it had to be my attitude because my overall IQ is high. I gave up on college to concentrate on a "real job" which didn't work out. I moved back in with my parents (where I've been there most of my adult life) and withdrew from everyone and everything that reminded me of the outside world. I didn't think that any amount of effort would be pay enough for me to get by on, and that no matter how hard I tried it would never satisfy anyone. Most of the last year, if I stay out of bed most of the day I'm doing really well.

I feel like I have the resources available to succeed, but I still need to learn how to function. I don't know how to distinguish being anemic, sleepy, depressed over something, or other similar things from one another. I would like to be in touch with myself enough to know what is wrong, and recognize it before it gets to the point where I can't function. The last couple of work experiences and with classes as been horrible enough where I'm terrified to go back into the situation. By next month, I'm going to have to learn how to deal with those fears to the point where I can succeed on those enviornments. I also have to show that I'm on a clear direction to get my college paid for, so I'm also limited on time on learning how to make decisions that are right for me. I also have a lot of past situations I need to face. I'm going back to the same college where I'm going to have to face some of the professors that really went out of thier way to help me out. I feel like I wasted all of thier time and effort, and I'm very nervous about seeing them again.

I've been meaning to start learning Tai Chi or yoga to help keep me more centered, better mental control and concentration, and increased stamina. I'm learning dream work to try to work out some of my fears concerning my life and find some kind of direction in life. It's hard because I've been depressed enough where I don't feel like doing anything. I really related to what you were saying about paralysis of the will and mentioned getting behind by learning how to do things that I'm trying to learn. That's why I'm curious about your methods.

Kiersten

I just discovered this board and cried when I read your post. I'm turning 50 this year and have suffered from the "paralysis" you describe for my entire life. Of course, there was no ADHD diagnosis when I was a child so I went through school eliciting comments such as "You're lazy", "You don't live up to your potential", etc. I'm the classic underachiever. I've been a single parent of an ADHD child for nearly 20 years and that has compounded my problems to an intolerable level. My daughter is much less attentive and focused than I am. I manage to function but am constantly putting out fires because I leave so many things undone and I feel that I have no quality of life. My stress level is through the roof and my daughter and I are at each other's throats constantly. She's depending on me for structure and I can't provide it to her.

One of the hardest things is the reaction of other people who have no idea what it's like to live with this condition, especially family. I think my family is starting to have some idea because my daughter, as well as my two teenage nephews have been diagnosed with ADHD. These children are all getting a lot of support but I never had any and it's frustrating how my family will excuse the teenagers' behavior due to their diagnosis but I am constantly criticized for not managing money properly, not paying my bills on time, not having repairs done in my apartment, having a sinkful of dishes, experiencing social anxiety, etc.

I've only read the initial post on this thread and when I have a chance to read the entire thread I hope I'll be able to gain some insights into helpful approaches for reclaiming my life and lessening my stress and frustration. Thank you for sharing your experience.

Susan

Hi Suemar:

It does help to know others have experienced what you have doesnt it? Just remember when times get tough that you are not the person others believe you to be, and try to take off the judgment and recognize the good qualities you have and play off of those when you are feeling down. Remember to observe the secrets you have in your life, keeping them requires attention, the more secrets you have, the less attention you have to operate in the world. Secrets can also include self- judgment you feel about yourself but dont want anyone to know. All of these types of things can wreak havoc on people prone to Paralysis.

Kiersten:
I have a sense Tai Chi would be a great benefit to you. Anything you can do to get out of your mind and head will be an instant relief to you. If you have no attention and paralyzed, you have to get out of your head and free up some attention.

Your feeling of wasting your professors time is not helping you at all. Remember that you are doing the best you can, their perceptions might be quite different than yours and you could be obsessing about this much more than you realize. Take a deep breath and go for it. Let me know how it goes.
Wil

Though I cannot relate to what you are going through I can certainly feel great empathy for all of you. I appreciate your candor....it makes me all the more determined to keep my ADHD son on medication so he does not have to suffer as you have. Without medication, he is unable to move forward with his day. As I see it a life spent productively with the help of medication, is much richer than one paralyzed with the inablity to move forward. I am thankful I am able to help my son get his feet off the ground each day. My best wishes to you all....thanks for sharing.