I have so much to say, .. my life, the endless game of cat and mouse filled with failure, self doubt, addictions, mental/nervous breakdowns, ... you name it, I've been there. At this point in my life, being 24 years old, I have experienced more than most people in there entire lives.
I have had more jobs than you could imagine, and have been fired from them all, for the same thing, being late daily, not going in ..etc..
My family blames it on my lack of responsiblity, saying I need to get a schedule worked out, where i can wake up on time. Im sorry to say,.. since my first psychological evaluation when i was 9 years old, and diagnosed with ADD/anxiety, over 14 years ago. The symptoms that were looked upon from teachers, counselors, and family: Have not changed. My inhability to get up in the morning, get to bed at night, maintain focus on my work, social anxiety issues, etc... I was placed into Emotional support class in 4th grade/seperated and segregated from my peers, I was turned into an outcast, prior to the placement, the evaluation of which I spoke of earlier, It was stated:: my fear of being laughed at by fellow students, severe self-confidence issues of which at my age of 9, should not be exhibiting to the severity I was.. Well, as a result of these observations,.. I was placed into a <sped> class, anyone who knows about these classes in gradeschools, knows how we are treated. I was placed on Ritalin, for years to come. My social/emotional fears becoming worse day by day, year by year. I was rated in the evaluation of having an IQ of 132 at 9years old, advanced cognitive learning/problem solving abilities/ it was stated that these skill levels, I was 5 years advanced, a child prodigy. << well no-matter how intelligent I was said to be, improper-placement in the education/schooling system, I was held back, and was never given the space I needed to reach my potential.<< half way through my senior year in highschool, under recomendation from my guideance counselor, I dropped out of school >>, by this time, after I was given up on I left school, and home with nothing but drug addictions, and a life of small crime, leading me into county jail, on numerous occasions.
Its been 5 years now, and I am no-longer a criminal,. All I am now is a guy trying to survive, living back with his mother, .. and unable to hold a job, ... or maintain a sleep schedule..
Regardless of what I would gain/loose by doing so,.. it doesnt make a diffenence... Some things are just out of my control.
Like I told my mother, who is a nurse of 35 years >, You honestly think,my illness goes away, 14 years ago, you payed $3,000 to have me evaluated because of these same issues.
Honestly, I would love to be like everyone else, I have strong talents, of which get me in the door to some really amazing jobs,..but I can'nt get relaxed, because I know,.. a few weeks, or a month or two, I will be called into the supervisors office, and let go. I am used to that now, it doesnt hurt anymore. I can say this though, When I am working, I am scared to go to sleep at night, scared of waking to an alarm clock that has been going off for hours, and knowing I just lost another job.
I really wish this was grounds for social security compensation, Almost 7 years into my adult life, and not a single thing to show for it.
I guess Im just destined for failure.
Its hard to get back on the ball and find another job to get fired from, ...but Hey .. why not.!!!
Oh yeah, I am taking adderal 20mgs/ twce daily ...
haha, maybe my family they shouldnt have addopted me from a 15year old drug addict, <-- oops did i forget to mention!!!
I am now a very paranoid person and i hate it, constantly filled with my own conspiracies about everyone being out to get me.. Its really really bad.
If you care to hear let me know.!!

IM DONE WRITING FOR NOW, I HAVE PLENTY MORE...
THANK YOU FOR YOU PATIENCE,... MAYBE WE CAN HELP EACH OTHER...

~MIKE~

What's up mike? Well I think your experiences have summed up AD/HD's harmful potential completely. Is the adderall working/helping ? I'm in the same boat as you when it comes to being late. Luckily I've never been fired or let go from a job because of it. Have you thought about going the entrepenuer route ?

Well, the adderal .. I should say, makes things worse .. Me being way to analytical in my everyday life.. and constantly over analyzing the smallest of tasks ..Im digging to deep into the concept of everything..such as finding what reality really is and consists of, into psychic connections between everything, .. It is really quite annoying, and always gets in the way of my work,.. my mind wanders endlessly, and im constantly reminded to stay on task .. Friends have already confronted me about constantly rambling about my views on everything ..of course they dont understand the way I do .. It can be really fun at times you can get so positive and everything is great, and then there are times when your mind races too fast, and you have a hard time reacting to situations, working in a call center i found myself in conversation with customers that had nothing to do with work.. and your job frowns appon this ..
It seems impossible to get on the right track .. everytime you try, it seems alittle more hopeful, and then... you get shot down farther when everything falls appart again.
The adderal, has not fixed the problem, but has made more, and these ones im sure are ireversable.
It hasn't made me get up on time, or too bed decent hour for work all it does is gives me the abiltiy to function on a semi-productive, slightly conscious mental level .. basically my mind is on auto-pilot.
.. so yeah if you consider living on 3 to 4 hours sleep, helpful then yeah..!! it would be i guess.
for instance, .. look what i am doing at 3:00am ..on a wednesday.. three weeks after loosing my job ..
Well, back to another cigarette..
Until next time ...

~stay tuned~

Humm an en·tre·pre·neur
that doesnt sound like a bad Idea.. would take allot of planning....

Mike, hello! okay, i feel all of it, all of it, all of it. i feel like your the only one that really understands. i know my friends don't, because ive gone through friends who have pretty much manipulated me, and lowered my self esteem. so, im through with them. its just hard to say....its so hard. i can't talk to anyone about it...my parents don't understand.

so when i try not to think about myself so much...you know, to try to focus on other things besides yourself, you can't...right? i think i will change, that i will eventually grow out of it. maybe i will, maybe things will be different for me or whatever. i want them to change. i do, i really do. i paint, and thats the only thing that really lets me speak my mind.

everything makes sense in my head, just getting it out is the hard part...

yes it is hard getting it out... sometimes i scared to speak, cause i know how silly i must seem....
and remember awhile ago, when you said to yourself.."no one understands me"
Well look where you are now ...