gem2000
08-26-2002, 09:04 PM
I am feeling so depressed right now. I am new to this board but thought maybe I could get some advice because I just don't know what to do.... I was majorly in love (or I thought so) with the guy. We ended up in a bed-buddies type of relationship for about 8 months. I wanted him, but he just wanted sex. I knew that all along but for some reason I just kept thinking he would change. I don't know if he cheated on me, but I am certain he would. For 8 months all I thought about was him, and didn't see anyone else. Well, then I met a friend of his (not a close friend). I really really like him. He treated me so differently and told me I was was worth a lot more than that. We ended up sleeping together, like right away. I wasn't pressured or anything. I just wanted him, and it was really really nice to be with a guy that actually held me and made me feel good and not just got up and left after getting it. He lives in another state though, so I knew this was just a one night thing. Now I am feeling quite sick about the fact that I made the same mistake again and slept with him right away. I liked him so much and I am afraid he will think I am some easy slut. I am sure I will never find someone because everytime I get attached I get hurt. I know my problem lies partly in the fact that I don't have any family around me, and I am always looking to replace that. Now I just feel so empty. I am not really unhappy it happened in one way because he opened my eyes to the fact that the other guy (who I still care about despite myself) is letting me make a fool of myself. Do you think he thinks I am a slut? I am 24 and he was only my second sexual partner, but both times it was kind of fast.
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star508
08-26-2002, 11:17 PM
Gem - you're not a slut! You just got out of a "relationship" where you wanted more than the guy was willing to give. Even if you knew that all along, at that point you knew for sure. If you had a "real" relationship, the fact that you slept with the friend would be called a rebound. I guess it can be called a rebound now too. From what you said, he sounds like a good guy, so I really don't think he thinks you're a slut. I actually have a theory that he knew this was going to be a one night stand but he cared enough to want to show you that you deserve more than to be a sex buddy. So that's what he did.
I'm sure you'll find someone! It might not be easy and it might take some time, but it'll happen. When people get hurt, they try to isolate themselves from possible causes of pain, but I think a guy will come along who'll be able to get past that. :)
Cheer up! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/cool.gif
I'm sure you'll find someone! It might not be easy and it might take some time, but it'll happen. When people get hurt, they try to isolate themselves from possible causes of pain, but I think a guy will come along who'll be able to get past that. :)
Cheer up! http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/cool.gif
F-Man
08-27-2002, 02:20 PM
Slut is a strong word, which I don't think fits you at all. If he made no indications that he wanted to see you again, I'd say that he too looked at it as a one night stand.
As far as what he thought...If I meet a girl and she wants to have sex the first night that kind of turns me off. I'd think she probably does it with a lot of guys if she's willing to do it with me. I probably wouldn't do it. If there was a really strong connection though, almost like a "love at first site" situation, maybe I'd see it differently, but probably not.
I caution that I am pretty conservative in my values, so I may not be a good indicator of how the average guy thinks.
Doing that once and being concerned about it is not being a slut. To me a slut is more a person who sleeps around with a lot of different partners that he/she doesn't have a relationship with, and he/she doesn't see much wrong with it. It doesn't sound like that describes your situation at all.
I'd suggest you forget about that guy you were seeing for 8 months. That doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship at all. He obviously doesn't respect you. I'm sure you do deserve, and will find, much better than that. He doesn't deserve you!
As far as what he thought...If I meet a girl and she wants to have sex the first night that kind of turns me off. I'd think she probably does it with a lot of guys if she's willing to do it with me. I probably wouldn't do it. If there was a really strong connection though, almost like a "love at first site" situation, maybe I'd see it differently, but probably not.
I caution that I am pretty conservative in my values, so I may not be a good indicator of how the average guy thinks.
Doing that once and being concerned about it is not being a slut. To me a slut is more a person who sleeps around with a lot of different partners that he/she doesn't have a relationship with, and he/she doesn't see much wrong with it. It doesn't sound like that describes your situation at all.
I'd suggest you forget about that guy you were seeing for 8 months. That doesn't sound like a fulfilling relationship at all. He obviously doesn't respect you. I'm sure you do deserve, and will find, much better than that. He doesn't deserve you!
AshLin
08-27-2002, 02:23 PM
Hi Gem,
First off... I don't think you are a slut. Sounds to me like you have a self esteem problem. Seems you need a guy to make you feel good about yourself, and you put your heart in their hands. You feel that sex equals love, and you want to show them love, so you give them sex. Just as you said, you don't have family around, and you are trying to make up for that. I don't think that you are a slut, I have done the exact same thing, it makes us feel good... but may not be the right way. This guy you have been seeing for 8 months.. drop him, he isn't worth you.
My best advice would be to stay away from guys for awhile, and get yourself together. Get your confidence and self worth back... once you have done that, you will be able to date, and not have sex right away. You haven't done anything wrong.. but I would advise against staying on this path. You have a lot to offer a guy, not just sex, and you know that. Stay strong, and learn from your mistakes. Best of luck to you.
Ash
[This message has been edited by AshLin (edited 08-27-2002).]
First off... I don't think you are a slut. Sounds to me like you have a self esteem problem. Seems you need a guy to make you feel good about yourself, and you put your heart in their hands. You feel that sex equals love, and you want to show them love, so you give them sex. Just as you said, you don't have family around, and you are trying to make up for that. I don't think that you are a slut, I have done the exact same thing, it makes us feel good... but may not be the right way. This guy you have been seeing for 8 months.. drop him, he isn't worth you.
My best advice would be to stay away from guys for awhile, and get yourself together. Get your confidence and self worth back... once you have done that, you will be able to date, and not have sex right away. You haven't done anything wrong.. but I would advise against staying on this path. You have a lot to offer a guy, not just sex, and you know that. Stay strong, and learn from your mistakes. Best of luck to you.
Ash
[This message has been edited by AshLin (edited 08-27-2002).]
livenlearn
08-27-2002, 05:31 PM
like my name here..... live n learn.... i've been there... sleeping with a guy right away... thinking he was "different".. or it was ok.... .. this is how we learn..... "chalk it up" as experience... and move on.... don't beat yourself up about it..... it happened.. nothing you can do to change the past... however, you can change the future..... go easy on yourself..... and learn from your mistakes....
gem2000
08-28-2002, 06:34 PM
Thanks all you guys!
I am still feeling all empty, just because I really liked this new guy. I don't go for a lot of guys, but when I do I fall in love head over heels immediately, and convince myself I will never meet another. I do regret sleeping with him because he must have thought "wow, that was easy", and I really am not, but at least it has forced me to get over my friend with benefits.
I am still feeling all empty, just because I really liked this new guy. I don't go for a lot of guys, but when I do I fall in love head over heels immediately, and convince myself I will never meet another. I do regret sleeping with him because he must have thought "wow, that was easy", and I really am not, but at least it has forced me to get over my friend with benefits.
the_old_soldier
08-28-2002, 08:52 PM
Gem:
Not all guys want the women for "sex buddies". For me, I like the girl to be a FRIEND first; a lover later on.
Practice Safer Sex
Not all guys want the women for "sex buddies". For me, I like the girl to be a FRIEND first; a lover later on.
Practice Safer Sex
AshleeD
08-28-2002, 10:05 PM
Hey Gem :wave:
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Many, many girls and women have gone through what you are right now, including myself.
I've learned from my mistakes, and realized that now, to find out whether a guy is looking for sex, or looking for love, is to watch and see how he acts about it. If he's constantly talking about it, wanting you to give him some, etc., forget him, because you are worth more than that.
I understand the way it feels when you are lonely and wanting to feel that special way you feel when a guy is on top of you, making love to you, holding you, and making you feel special. Trust me, we all get this way. You are NOT a slut, and please don't beat yourself up thinking you are. If you were a slut, you would be sleeping with many, many men. Some who of which you have no care for. That defines a slut, and you are definately not in that category.
I'm sorry your heart continues to break. Mine does and still is from past relationships of mine :) It's hard, but you'll get through it. Keep busy, and keep your heart open, but not too open. Sometimes when we let good people in our lives, we let some of the bad in with the good. But hey, that's life. You live and learn, right? Like someone else said..
I'm one of the people who strongly believes there is ONE person for everyone out there. I think we will have many, many, relationships, but only one guy will be the one. I don't know why I'm so firm about that belief, but I am. So be looking around...you never know...lightning could strike when you least expect it... :)
And one day, you will meet that special someone. I promise. Do not let these mistakes make you feel that sex is all you have to give. You are way too special for all that. I hope this helps. I'm not sure if it did, but hopefully I comforted you in letting you know I can relate. It's a strange feeling of peace and comfort when you know someone else is feeling the exact same way as yourself. So I hope I put you somewhat at ease.
Take care, hun, and don't be upset! You'll find prince charming one day! Just remember you never know where the future will take you! Isn't that kinda nice to know?? Lots of love to you, sweetie!
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gifAsh
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. Many, many girls and women have gone through what you are right now, including myself.
I've learned from my mistakes, and realized that now, to find out whether a guy is looking for sex, or looking for love, is to watch and see how he acts about it. If he's constantly talking about it, wanting you to give him some, etc., forget him, because you are worth more than that.
I understand the way it feels when you are lonely and wanting to feel that special way you feel when a guy is on top of you, making love to you, holding you, and making you feel special. Trust me, we all get this way. You are NOT a slut, and please don't beat yourself up thinking you are. If you were a slut, you would be sleeping with many, many men. Some who of which you have no care for. That defines a slut, and you are definately not in that category.
I'm sorry your heart continues to break. Mine does and still is from past relationships of mine :) It's hard, but you'll get through it. Keep busy, and keep your heart open, but not too open. Sometimes when we let good people in our lives, we let some of the bad in with the good. But hey, that's life. You live and learn, right? Like someone else said..
I'm one of the people who strongly believes there is ONE person for everyone out there. I think we will have many, many, relationships, but only one guy will be the one. I don't know why I'm so firm about that belief, but I am. So be looking around...you never know...lightning could strike when you least expect it... :)
And one day, you will meet that special someone. I promise. Do not let these mistakes make you feel that sex is all you have to give. You are way too special for all that. I hope this helps. I'm not sure if it did, but hopefully I comforted you in letting you know I can relate. It's a strange feeling of peace and comfort when you know someone else is feeling the exact same way as yourself. So I hope I put you somewhat at ease.
Take care, hun, and don't be upset! You'll find prince charming one day! Just remember you never know where the future will take you! Isn't that kinda nice to know?? Lots of love to you, sweetie!
http://www.healthboards.com/ubb/heart.gifAsh
DanaJ
09-04-2002, 07:01 PM
Originally posted by livenlearn:
like my name here..... live n learn.... i've been there... sleeping with a guy right away... thinking he was "different".. or it was ok.... .. this is how we learn..... "chalk it up" as experience... and move on.... don't beat yourself up about it..... it happened.. nothing you can do to change the past... however, you can change the future..... go easy on yourself..... and learn from your mistakes....
Well I haven't been around these boards in awhile, so many of you won't know me.
Livenlearn, you are from Reading, PA?! I live not far from there. ANyway, that was off topic, but I was pretty surprised to see that! Have you lived there all your life, or are you a transplant? Just curious.
Anyway, Gem it doesn not sound like you are a slut. You may have made mistakes, but that's why we have little things called lessons ;) If you learn from your mistakes, there's no reason to look to your past and dwell on days gone by. Work on focusing on the present and future. The past is just that - the past :) I'm sure someday you'll meet the one for you. Take care.
like my name here..... live n learn.... i've been there... sleeping with a guy right away... thinking he was "different".. or it was ok.... .. this is how we learn..... "chalk it up" as experience... and move on.... don't beat yourself up about it..... it happened.. nothing you can do to change the past... however, you can change the future..... go easy on yourself..... and learn from your mistakes....
Well I haven't been around these boards in awhile, so many of you won't know me.
Livenlearn, you are from Reading, PA?! I live not far from there. ANyway, that was off topic, but I was pretty surprised to see that! Have you lived there all your life, or are you a transplant? Just curious.
Anyway, Gem it doesn not sound like you are a slut. You may have made mistakes, but that's why we have little things called lessons ;) If you learn from your mistakes, there's no reason to look to your past and dwell on days gone by. Work on focusing on the present and future. The past is just that - the past :) I'm sure someday you'll meet the one for you. Take care.
livenlearn
09-06-2002, 12:35 PM
just to answer your questions.... i am from reading, pa... and have lived here all my life... however, within the next year or so, moving north..... small world isn't it?? even on the "healthboards" :)
[This message has been edited by livenlearn (edited 09-06-2002).]
[This message has been edited by livenlearn (edited 09-06-2002).]
DanaJ
09-07-2002, 04:56 PM
Originally posted by livenlearn:
just to answer your questions.... i am from reading, pa... and have lived here all my life... however, within the next year or so, moving north..... small world isn't it?? even on the "healthboards" :)
[This message has been edited by livenlearn (edited 09-06-2002).]
Wow, well I am always in Pottstown, work there also. Just a surprise to see someone so close. I was born and raised here, but I lived in San Francisco not all that long ago.
just to answer your questions.... i am from reading, pa... and have lived here all my life... however, within the next year or so, moving north..... small world isn't it?? even on the "healthboards" :)
[This message has been edited by livenlearn (edited 09-06-2002).]
Wow, well I am always in Pottstown, work there also. Just a surprise to see someone so close. I was born and raised here, but I lived in San Francisco not all that long ago.