collegegirl
10-19-2002, 11:59 AM
Okay...I'm not sure if this goes in the relationship category or not, but I figured it'd be a little more appropriate in here.
I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I think we have a great relationship. The thing is, everytime the thought of sex comes up, I freeze. I'll want it beforehand, all the way up until it's time to do the deed. I used to LOVE sex. Couldn't get enough of it. But lately... it's just.. I don't know. I don't want him to even TRY to give me an orgasm. I don't know why. Most times, I'd rather cuddle with him and go to sleep.
This is upsetting to me. Extremely so, because I want to enjoy sex. I WANT to have a normal (even phenomenal) sex life, and yet I find myself hiding under the covers so I don't have to be naked, and I get completely grossed out because we all know sex can be messy. It's gross to me! I haven't felt that way in the past, so I don't know what's wrong.
My boyfriend tries SO HARD to make it enjoyable for us both, but I just... don't... want it anymore. And I want to want it, because I'm depriving him of something he shouldn't have to go without. I'm not the kind of person who would have sex even if I didn't want it, so if I'm not getting any, neither is he, and that's not fair. I'm starting to worry that I should go talk to a headshrinker or something, because it's been going on for a while, and I just don't know what to do.
Any suggestions? It would REALLY help, from men and women both. Thank you.
I love my boyfriend and he loves me. I think we have a great relationship. The thing is, everytime the thought of sex comes up, I freeze. I'll want it beforehand, all the way up until it's time to do the deed. I used to LOVE sex. Couldn't get enough of it. But lately... it's just.. I don't know. I don't want him to even TRY to give me an orgasm. I don't know why. Most times, I'd rather cuddle with him and go to sleep.
This is upsetting to me. Extremely so, because I want to enjoy sex. I WANT to have a normal (even phenomenal) sex life, and yet I find myself hiding under the covers so I don't have to be naked, and I get completely grossed out because we all know sex can be messy. It's gross to me! I haven't felt that way in the past, so I don't know what's wrong.
My boyfriend tries SO HARD to make it enjoyable for us both, but I just... don't... want it anymore. And I want to want it, because I'm depriving him of something he shouldn't have to go without. I'm not the kind of person who would have sex even if I didn't want it, so if I'm not getting any, neither is he, and that's not fair. I'm starting to worry that I should go talk to a headshrinker or something, because it's been going on for a while, and I just don't know what to do.
Any suggestions? It would REALLY help, from men and women both. Thank you.
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Fantaseee
10-19-2002, 12:53 PM
I gues the obvious question is has anything happened inbetween time that could impact on yr feelings about sex. maybe you did something that felt out of yr control, witnessed something that you wish you hadn't - that kinda thing. sometimes something that at the time didn't seem to significant can be enough to trigger a phobia of sorts. i know you are not phobic of sex, but you have developed negative thought patterns towards it somewhere down the line and i guess some sort of therapist could help you unravel what happened.
on the other end of the scale it could be linked to a medical problem, have you changed yr BCP perhaps? or yr hormones may have become unbalanced through other means.
i think you need to approach this problem both physiologically and psychologically, a trip to yr doctor for tests would be my first port of call if it continues.
on the other end of the scale it could be linked to a medical problem, have you changed yr BCP perhaps? or yr hormones may have become unbalanced through other means.
i think you need to approach this problem both physiologically and psychologically, a trip to yr doctor for tests would be my first port of call if it continues.
buck58
10-19-2002, 01:01 PM
collegegirl, I'm just a regular guy, but, I've got a gut feeling from what you wrote, that I don't think it has anything to do with you liking or not liking sex, since you said you always liked it in the past. Just something to think about, but could there be something "else" going on, that you may be punishing yourself for? Keeping yourself from enjoying anykind of pleasure. Just an idea, please write back if you like, none of us want you to be miserable. Bye.
buck.
buck.
collegegirl
10-19-2002, 01:03 PM
Thank you for responding quickly.
As far as I know, I haven't witnessed some scarring event or something like that... I suppose I couldn't say definitely, though.
I just switched from a really crappy pill to Depo Provera... maybe that has something to do with it? I don't think the list of side effects said anything about a loss of libido, but I could double check.
I don't know what's wrong... I'll think about the things you said. Thank you VERY much. Sometimes it's just good to get feedback.
As far as I know, I haven't witnessed some scarring event or something like that... I suppose I couldn't say definitely, though.
I just switched from a really crappy pill to Depo Provera... maybe that has something to do with it? I don't think the list of side effects said anything about a loss of libido, but I could double check.
I don't know what's wrong... I'll think about the things you said. Thank you VERY much. Sometimes it's just good to get feedback.
Blastoff9600
10-19-2002, 02:09 PM
One of the side effects of depo is loss of sex drive along with depression.
Also some other side effects are INFERTILITY,bone density loss,continuos spotting,and the list can go on and on.
The reason I bring up the infertility and such is because so many young women dont know about it. I had to learn the hard way. I only had two shots of Depo back in 1996 after the birth of my first child. Then low and behold it took over three years and several infertility doctors before I was able to have another child. Everyone of the doctors I saw told me I was not the first patient they had had to deal with thanks to Depo Provera and they even assured me I wasnt the last they would deal with.
Do search online and you can find many,many sites in which women are suffering from infertility and more problems thanks to Depo.
Also some other side effects are INFERTILITY,bone density loss,continuos spotting,and the list can go on and on.
The reason I bring up the infertility and such is because so many young women dont know about it. I had to learn the hard way. I only had two shots of Depo back in 1996 after the birth of my first child. Then low and behold it took over three years and several infertility doctors before I was able to have another child. Everyone of the doctors I saw told me I was not the first patient they had had to deal with thanks to Depo Provera and they even assured me I wasnt the last they would deal with.
Do search online and you can find many,many sites in which women are suffering from infertility and more problems thanks to Depo.
collegegirl
10-19-2002, 07:59 PM
I didn't know that it caused infertility... from what I understood, it tended to delay fertility, but I didn't know it automatically broke it. Thank you for the advice; I will talk to my doctor on Monday.
And I was talking to my boyfriend, and I realized something I hadn't thought of. My first shot was only three weeks ago... the problem's been there for a couple of months. Any other thoughts? Thanks.
And I was talking to my boyfriend, and I realized something I hadn't thought of. My first shot was only three weeks ago... the problem's been there for a couple of months. Any other thoughts? Thanks.
collegegirl
10-20-2002, 01:34 PM
What I mean by "I don't want to have sex" is that I want NONE of it. Nothing. I'd rather go to bed, because all of it is just waaaay too much effort. For me, blowjobs are a serious effort... they're saved for when I'm REALLY wanting some. My poor boyfriend... he puts up with so much.
Blastoff9600
10-20-2002, 02:51 PM
Well then you next step is to have your doctor check your hormone levels to see if those are ok. Sometimes they can get screwed up and cause a drop in sex drive.
Then also talk to your doctor abut depression. Some people can suffer from it without really knowing for sure what is wrong. That too can effect your sex drive.
Then also talk to your doctor abut depression. Some people can suffer from it without really knowing for sure what is wrong. That too can effect your sex drive.
Angelene
10-21-2002, 08:45 PM
Perhaps you're dating someone from the wrong gender? I find that when sometimes I think sex is too much of a chore sometimes, it's because I'm thinking of women. I'm bisexual, and it's tough b/c I go through phases. I've been monogamous with my boyfriend for 4 years, and I get what I call "cravings" every so often. Of course, it's tough for my boyfriend b/c nothing he does can turn me on. It's horrible for me too, and I question my relationship, my sexuality, my everything...sometimes it takes "me time" to figure out what the problem is.
Or it could be depression, lack of sex drive. I was on Paxil for a month and couldn't even IMAGINE taking the effort to try to have sex b/c i thought it was gross, it was only for him, not for me, it wasn't fun, it was tiring... Talk about some other forms of birth control. My roommate just went off Depo and got the birth control patch, so she wouldn't have to worry about taking a pill every day.
I believe you when you say you love your boyfriend, but are you _in love_ with him?
Ask yourself what YOU need, what do you desire, what do you view as sexy, as romantic. Question if you're happy in all parts of your relationship. If you're feeling at all deprived, it doesn't mean it's over, it means you guys might just need to talk it out, change some routines. Or take some time apart for you to explore your feelings.
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"Never give up, never surrender!"
Or it could be depression, lack of sex drive. I was on Paxil for a month and couldn't even IMAGINE taking the effort to try to have sex b/c i thought it was gross, it was only for him, not for me, it wasn't fun, it was tiring... Talk about some other forms of birth control. My roommate just went off Depo and got the birth control patch, so she wouldn't have to worry about taking a pill every day.
I believe you when you say you love your boyfriend, but are you _in love_ with him?
Ask yourself what YOU need, what do you desire, what do you view as sexy, as romantic. Question if you're happy in all parts of your relationship. If you're feeling at all deprived, it doesn't mean it's over, it means you guys might just need to talk it out, change some routines. Or take some time apart for you to explore your feelings.
------------------
"Never give up, never surrender!"
ana_24
10-22-2002, 01:08 AM
Wow.. sorry to hear you're going through this! It sounds to me like the problem is either psychological or physical... since you mentioned you enjoyed sex until a couple of months ago, then i'm inclined to say it's a physical issue.. First off, let me tell you, Depo is nothing but trouble! I've never heard a single positive thing about it and everyone that I know who's been on it, has gained an insane amount of weight. Stop taking those shots, they're poisoning your body. There has to be another b/c method out there that works for you...
As far as the sex issue goes, someone brought up a good point.. are you IN LOVE with your boyfriend? Maybe your feelings for him are more platonic and you are no longer turned on by him. Is there anyone else that you have developed an interest in? Maybe it's not really obvious to you, but has there been another male friend around you lately, or have you maybe started taking any new medication? Do you have any other symptoms such as fatigue, depression, weight gain/loss, etc? Sorry I can't be of any help... i hope you figure this out soon. Your boyfriend sounds like a sweety!
As far as the sex issue goes, someone brought up a good point.. are you IN LOVE with your boyfriend? Maybe your feelings for him are more platonic and you are no longer turned on by him. Is there anyone else that you have developed an interest in? Maybe it's not really obvious to you, but has there been another male friend around you lately, or have you maybe started taking any new medication? Do you have any other symptoms such as fatigue, depression, weight gain/loss, etc? Sorry I can't be of any help... i hope you figure this out soon. Your boyfriend sounds like a sweety!
Hadom79
10-22-2002, 09:13 AM
Well college Girl, hmmmm interesting one. When you say you want sex do you mean you yourself want it or that you want your boyfriend not to be without it for these create a unique set of circumstances. If it is your drive that is lacking here are some things to think about; Are you emotionally connected to your boyfriend? Are you harboring any bad feelings against him? I'm not saying that he may be a "bad person" but maybe there is something in him you may resent. Do you deep down inside feel that when he is having sex with you that his prime motive is to send you climbing up a wall? Moreover have the two of you tried communicating more during sex with both verbal and nonverbal messages. You may be able to "charge" each others batteries. Is his preformance up to Par? If it is your biological or chemical reflexes in the works have you tried to counter the effects with food or herbs(the food herbs not the drugs). Because there are foods that increase the sex drive like their are foods that have an effect on the taste of a man's semen. What have the two of you done in the areas of sexual educational research? Check the libraries, as if this is important in your life you will be inclined to do so. You may find the soloutions in your own studies. I hope you find the answers. Remember these are your questions, only answer these if you feel compelled to.
collegegirl
10-22-2002, 01:23 PM
Climbing up a wall?? Doubtful.
Yes, it has gotten more routine...a bit more platonic feeling. I went to the library the other day and got some good ideas.
There is no one else I'm interested in. I love my boyfriend (though I feel like an old married couple, which isn't necessarly bad :))
I had wondered about whether or not I'm with the right gender. I go through my moments, too, when I feel mildly attracted to women, but from what I understand, that's a normal part of most people, so I don't give it more than a second thought, if that.
I can't exactly do anything about the Depo until December, when my next shot is due, but I will do all the research I can in the time being :)
Thank you everyone. If anyone else has any ideas, it would be helpful!
Yes, it has gotten more routine...a bit more platonic feeling. I went to the library the other day and got some good ideas.
There is no one else I'm interested in. I love my boyfriend (though I feel like an old married couple, which isn't necessarly bad :))
I had wondered about whether or not I'm with the right gender. I go through my moments, too, when I feel mildly attracted to women, but from what I understand, that's a normal part of most people, so I don't give it more than a second thought, if that.
I can't exactly do anything about the Depo until December, when my next shot is due, but I will do all the research I can in the time being :)
Thank you everyone. If anyone else has any ideas, it would be helpful!
Hadom79
10-27-2002, 02:29 PM
Just wondering if the whole mundane aspect is due to a lack in creativity, and i mean this not only in the bedroom but also outside as well. If your boyfriend expresses his love for you in creative ways outside the bedroom (like leaving you little notes, making special plans for the two of you) things might improve in the bedroom.
jukaam
10-27-2002, 10:38 PM
Just some ideas:
- Maybe your boyfriend is trying too hard. Try to have him not start anything, or say anything sexual until, you have to go to him, then see how you feel. At the same time, thinking of what you want sexually. What would turn you on and how. They say that women get turned on by reading and men get turned on my video. Try reading sexual articles to get your mind into getting your drive back. Try to think of positive sexual thoughts instead of negative ones more frequently.....throughout the day.
- It could be medically related such as lack of vitamins or a low case of depression etc...
- How you were raised as a child....if sex was something to be talked about or not until a specific age?
- Or you could just be in a lull?
Sexual relationship's only grow and that means going through good times and bad. That's great that you are both working together to get through it. I think that that shows how strong of a relationship you both have. Don't give up!
- Maybe your boyfriend is trying too hard. Try to have him not start anything, or say anything sexual until, you have to go to him, then see how you feel. At the same time, thinking of what you want sexually. What would turn you on and how. They say that women get turned on by reading and men get turned on my video. Try reading sexual articles to get your mind into getting your drive back. Try to think of positive sexual thoughts instead of negative ones more frequently.....throughout the day.
- It could be medically related such as lack of vitamins or a low case of depression etc...
- How you were raised as a child....if sex was something to be talked about or not until a specific age?
- Or you could just be in a lull?
Sexual relationship's only grow and that means going through good times and bad. That's great that you are both working together to get through it. I think that that shows how strong of a relationship you both have. Don't give up!